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« Last post by MikaAttano on October 03, 2025, 09:36:16 PM »
The desert had a way of stealing sound and memory with the same patient hand, as if the wind itself were an archivist, lifting names and footsteps and whispered oaths off the face of the earth and tucking them into a vault no one could open. Saint Antony Monastery rose from that quiet like a scar that refused to heal, its pale clay walls ribbed with generations of sun, its ironwork crosshatching the moonlight. The gate’s hinges complained as Mika pushed them and the complaint seemed less mechanical than ritual, a warning passed along the stone so that every niche and lintel and low-bent arch could hear it and turn, without moving, to regard the intruder. She stepped through with the kind of economy that belonged to someone who already understood the price of noise. If the desert buried sound, this place embalmed it.
Incense drifted in veins and ribbons out of doorways that opened onto darkness like the mouths of wells; the monks crossed and recrossed the flagstones with bowls and broom-heads and the slow, purpose-heavy gait of men whose days were sewn by repetition into a single garment. She tracked the old map every seeker learns without asking—gate, courtyard, chapel—but she did it with the poise of a woman who had walked harder maps and returned from them with her edges sharpened, not dulled.
The doors of the chapel bowed beneath the weight of the years when her palm pressed them, their grain cool as riverbed stone. The room beyond was a cathedral built from smoke and restraint. Candles packed the side tables, wicks trembling in the low draft, their fire making the painted saints breathe.
Incense clung with a sweetness grown bitter by longevity, a taste like old honey scorched in the pot; it threaded her throat, wrapped the ribs and announced itself with every breath. Mika walked down the aisle. She took the last pew and sat not like a penitent or a tourist but like a blade set on a bench, steady and unafraid of the whetstone. The crucifix presided with the implacable mathematics of suffering: a man held where the world demanded he end, anatomy arranged in the geometry of endurance, wood gone dark with varnished grief. She did not bow. She measured the distance between bone and nail with her eyes and found in it a theorem she had already solved.
It would have been easy to hear the silence as emptiness, but this silence had texture. It had weight. It pressed across the shoulders like a shawl woven from consequence, and in the strands one could feel the residues of every confession and every bargain and every I swear slipped into the darkness for safekeeping. Some people came here to be thinned into nothing, to pour themselves out on the stones and stand up lighter. Mika felt it thickening around her the way dark water embraces a swimmer who has learned not to panic. Where others broke in quiet, she fed. She let breath come and go in the tempered rhythm of a craftsman’s hand and heard the soft rasp of her own sleeve when she shifted her elbow. The candles flinched together as if something had passed among them—a draft, a thought—and she lifted her chin the barest fraction because the room itself had completed a sentence and she had no intention of missing the verb.
Footsteps arrived the way true counsel arrives: not when you call, but when you have stopped pretending you didn’t. Soft leather kissing stone, the beat of a pendulum set at the pace of a life made from hours instead of ambitions. The monk who came to stand beside her pew wore the monastery the way a tree wears winter. His robe hung from a frame lean with habit, his beard carried the frost of decades, and his face had been plowed by time into fields that could grow nothing but patience. He folded his hands into his sleeves and kept his eyes on the crucifix.
When he spoke, it was the warmth of a hand over a lamp so you can see the map without burning the paper. “The weary find their way here by paths they don’t remember choosing,” he said. “They bring burdens like stones in their hems. We teach them to lay the stones down one by one, lest the hem tear. You have come far. The dust says so. The hour, too. Shall we name the stone and set it down?”
She did not turn. The line of her mouth altered in the smallest way, an angle corrected with a carpenter’s exactness. “There is no stone,” she said, and the words rode low, even, without the quaver of admission or the theater of refusal. “There is only what grows where stones are taken out and air is let in.”
The crucified figure watched them both with the indifference born of too much witness. Mika let her breath become thinner, finer. “You have a word for it. Many words. You feed them with incense.”
“We do not feed them,” he answered, and a thread of amusement stitched itself into his tone then vanished. “We name them to deny them dominion. Names are snares we set around chaos. A wound unnamed is a river with no banks. A wound named is a cistern that can be emptied.”
His gaze fell to her hands and he saw the way one thumb worried the knuckle of the other as if testing an old scar for alignment. “Come. Tell me where it hurts.”
She allowed herself a single blink, a submission to the eyelids’ need to wet the lens, and then she turned her head enough to bring him into the margin of her sight. “You approach me as if I had come to be mended. You approach me as if I contained a pity you could coax to the surface and scoop off with the side of your hand.” She did not smile but some cousin of smiling moved through her and replaced itself with stillness. “I am not a vessel with a crack. I am the crack that moves through every vessel. The place where edges start to separate. The warmth under the crust. Call it madness if your tongue is more obedient to that word. Call it corruption. Call it rot. I call it what remains when all the naming is done.”
The monk stood without shifting his weight and Mika felt, not saw, the way his ribs repositioned themselves around the breath he took. His eyes maintained their steady weather. “A field untended surrenders to thorn,” he said, his speech entering that cadence a mind adopts when it ceases to explain and begins to sing. “A wall left naked to rain grows moss to the very lime. Bread is leavened by what is not bread. Decay is a patient steward; it inherits all.” He inclined his head toward the crucifix. “But even rot has a clock. Even thorn blooms and then is harvested by frost. In the book of days every fever breaks. We use this house to shorten the fever and to knit flesh so that hands become hands again, not claws.”
“Your book,” she said, “is too kind to endings.” The candles worried their flames against the draft and one wick, wounded by its own hunger, shivered a dark length before flaring back. Mika’s gaze returned to the fixed agony above the altar and she let the icon’s permanence pour its chill through her chest. “Where you would bind, I would breed. You treat the wound as sin and covering as virtue. But there is a truth you have learned and smothered under ointment: sometimes the wound is the only part that cannot lie. Sometimes the flesh around it invents stories to survive the idea that something has come which will not heal. You were right to speak of leaven. That is what I am. I enter at the smallest seam and I rise. Slowly. Without trumpet. Without smoke. Until the loaf realizes it is all air where it believed itself weight.”
“Then hear this,” he replied, and his voice took on the old granitic music of men who have hauled symbols up hills so often the climb itself became prayer. “In the beginning, the garden. In the garden, the tree. At the tree, the serpent. And the serpent spoke a word that tasted like hunger and truth at once. We live under that taste. We do not choose the serpent’s nature; we choose whether to feed it. A cistern can be cleared. A thorn patch can be burned to ash and sown again. Hands can learn another use. If you come to remember your hunger and call it truth, then you have mistaken appetite for law. What devours is not sovereign. It is only patient.”
She rose. The pew gave a tired sigh the way old wood does when it has been honest all its life and must be honest one more time. Standing, she gathered the chapel into a new architecture, her shoulders a column, her neck a lintel, her shadow a transcription of her into something taller and broken by the candle-stutter into a triptych of possible selves. She did not loom so much as establish.
“You read parables to me because they have saved others,” she said, and there was no contempt in it, only the same precision with which she had earlier measured nail and bone. “You do not err in mercy. Mercy is your shape. But your metaphors are orchards. I am blight. Your metaphors are cisterns. I am drought. Your metaphors count time by harvests. I am the hinge that rusts the scythe. I am not here to be unburdened. I am here to remember that when the scythe meets me, the scythe fails.”
He took the smallest half-step back as if to accommodate the new arrangement of gravity in the room. His eyes did not slip from hers. “Even blight answers to frost,” he said, holding the line of his story because men who abandon their line in the presence of other lines are not monks but reeds. “Even drought is broken by the sea that returns to the sky. The law of return governs all things under the sun. You stand, and you burn, and you spread, and you call your spreading victory. But the day comes, always, when a hand is placed upon the fevered brow and the heat leaves it. It is written.”
Mika’s laugh did not break from her so much as condense, like breath made visible on a winter window. It was a sound without joy and without mockery, a thing made from acknowledgement. “What is written,” she said, “is what men can bear to write. I do not argue with frost’s memory or water’s ambition. But I have walked too many rooms where the hand arrived and the fever took it. I have watched bread rise against the baker and make a feast of the house. You speak of sea and sky as if they do not share their secrets with rot. I don’t need the throne of the sun. I need time.”
She touched the rail of the pew with two fingers, not caressing it but locating herself in the carnal world that builds saints and then stares at them. “And time serves me because I am not spectacular. I am not conflagration. I am the seam you do not see until your garment is a story about wind.”
“Child,” he said, not from hierarchy but from the deep well within language where the word does not diminish the listener so much as admit the speaker’s own insufficient tools, “I have buried men who swore as you swear. Spear-carriers whose courage rotted in their chests when the long night came. Mothers who mistook their grief for a god and made temples to it until the house had no doors. The infection you praise makes priests of us all because we must choose which rituals to refuse. Refuse yours. Choose the smaller meal. Choose restraint. Choose to remain.”
She looked once more at the nailed figure and for a flicker there was the briefest congress between the theology of endurance nailed into place and the physics of contagion she wore like a second skin. “Remain,” she repeated softly, and the word accepted her mouth as a guest might accept a chair in a stranger’s house—grateful for the formality, unwilling to commit to staying. “Remaining is your victory. I do not remain. I outlast. The difference is not grammar. It is an appetite.”
The smoke parted and braided and rejoined above her head. “You asked what end my endurance serves. You were honest to ask. There is only one end worthy of endurance: the end where nothing lives that believed itself immune. Not faith. Not flesh. Not the little clocks by which men measure their mornings.”
He folded his hands tighter into his sleeves and the posture made him look, for an instant, like a man hiding a wound. Perhaps that was always the truth of prayer: a way to keep one’s bleeding inside the shirt. “Then go,” he said, and the biblical tone returned not as thunder but as the steady rain that writes its own psalm upon the eaves. “If you will not let yourself be bound, do not pretend binding exists. If you will not be healed, do not dishonor the sick by taking their place on the bench. Carry what you carry and learn what you will from it. But know this parable before you depart: a vine left wild climbs even the grave, yes, and drops its fruit upon stone; but stone does not eat. It remembers.”
“Stones remember nothing,” she answered, and in her voice there was no disdain, only a clarity that carried the same chill as the crucifix’s wood. “Men remember, and they carve what they remember into stone to make it obey. My work requires no chronicler. I do not need the alphabet. I write in tissue and in tendon and in will. When I am finished the only memory left is quiet.”
She stepped past him. He moved aside without ceding anything and the two of them, for an instant, were opposite columns holding up the same roof.
At the threshold she halted, not to reconsider, not to grant the room a last glance, but because the desert had pressed its night-forehead against the seam of the door and was breathing. The smell of sage with its clean bitterness lifted through the incense and underwrote it. Somewhere in the yard a broom stroked the stone with the insistence of a man who believes enough passes make a floor pure. The candles behind her made a low insect-sound that might have been the fat of their lives quieting into smoke.
She set her palm against the wood and felt in it the tally of other palms, the multitude shaped into polish. “You mistook me for a pilgrim,” she said without looking back, and there was no need to raise her voice because the chapel itself carried it. “I am not here to set anything down. I am here to confirm that when I pick something up, it does not return to the table.”
The doors answered with a groan that belonged to age and stewardship and the simple complaint of hinge against tooth. Night entered the chapel in a long ribbon and folded itself around the monks’ lamps like a teacher taking a shawl from a chair. Outside, the courtyard crouched in its geometry, the paths white as bone, the tower shouldering the moon.
The desert received her the way the sea receives something heavy and deliberate and inevitable. Behind her, the monk remained a thin, vertical fact among the horizontal certainties of pew and rail and station, his face neither absolution nor judgment, only the human limit shaped into witness.
The bells tolled once, deep and final. Mika didn’t look back. She carried the silence with her — and the infection festering within it.
The chapel doors shut with a groan, sealing in incense and candle flame, and the silence she left behind was not forgiveness but an echo that refused to die. Her steps carried her across the courtyard, where the monks moved as shadows, their faces bowed, their hands hidden. They did not meet her gaze. They did not ask. She passed among them like a ghost given flesh.
At the far wall, the iron gate waited. Rust clung to its hinges like dried blood, and when her hand pressed it open, the metal screamed as though remembering every burden it had ever held. She stepped through, and the desert took her.
The wind was alive. Gusts rose and fell in broken rhythms, twenty miles an hour at least, lashing grit across her cheeks until her skin burned raw. The stars glared like cold eyes above, pitiless, and the horizon was swallowed by sheets of dust. The monastery’s lamps behind her flickered once, twice, and vanished. Ahead, there was nothing but blackness, storm, and silence.
She stopped. She let the gale whip her hair across her face, tear at her coat, scour her flesh. And she smiled. Not wide. Not manic. But the faint curve of someone who knew the storm’s language.
“The desert tests,” she said into the wind. Her voice wasn’t raised, but it carried, thin and sharp, a blade rather than a shout. “It strips away pretenders. Weak men call it cruelty. Strong men call it trial. But me? I call it truth.”
The gusts slammed against her, rattling the brush, clawing at her boots. She tilted her head as though listening.
“Do you hear it? That is not wind. That is breath. The world’s lungs, wheezing. The cough before the fever breaks. Infection too vast to heal, too patient to stop. You call it storm.” Her hand pressed to her chest. “I call it myself.”
The storm shrieked, sand spiraling into the air, and she laughed, low and sharp.
“They tell you silence is holy. But silence is hunger. They tell you madness is ruin. But madness is endurance. They tell you infection kills. They are right. But what they never understand…” she stepped forward, boots grinding into the shifting grit, “…is that infection doesn’t end when the body dies. It spreads. It survives. It outlasts everything that thought itself untouchable.”
She began to walk, steady, deliberate, each stride claimed from the storm. Her voice grew heavier, deliberate as scripture.
“A man builds a bridge. Stone, iron, proud. They call it eternal. But deep inside, a crack runs its course, patient, quiet. They measure it, dismiss it. Years pass. Weight adds. One day, the bridge kneels. No fire. No war. No act of God. Only inevitability. They call it accident. Fatigue. Chance. I call it by its true name: infection.”
The gale roared across her, hair whipping, grit tearing her lips. She licked blood from the corner of her mouth and continued.
“A woman weaves linen. White, pure, meant to honor the dead. One day she finds a brown mark in the weave. She hides it, folds the cloth so no one sees. But when she wraps her son, the stain creeps, grows, spreads. The cloth becomes more shadow than light. She blames the dye. She blames the sun. She never blames what was always alive inside the threads. That creeping is also my name.”
She stopped again, standing against the wind, her arms lifting as if to embrace it, the sleeves snapping and tearing like banners. Her eyes burned into the black.
“Understand me. I am not fire. Fire is spectacle. I am not thunder. Thunder fades. I am not ruin. Ruin ends. I am the crack in the stone. I am the fever that never breaks. I am the prayer that rots into a scream. I am silence, multiplied. I am madness, patient. I am infection — and infection does not fall.”
The storm howled, sand rising in spirals around her legs, and she turned slowly into it, speaking now as though the desert itself were her audience, her congregation.
“Every time I step into the ring, I do not fight. I spread. I enter through the seams they don’t know they have. I wait. I remain. They call it strength when they stand against me. They call it courage when they endure. But endurance belongs to me. Strength decays. Courage rots. And when the bell tolls…”
She lowered her arms. Her voice fell to a whisper, sharper than the wind.
“…the bell tolls for what they were before me.”
Her boots carried her forward into the storm. The monastery was gone behind her, swallowed by the black. The desert pressed against her on all sides, but the wind bent and broke across her form, unable to move her. She walked steady, deliberate, every step a scripture, every word carved into the storm itself.
“I do not remain. I outlast. And when nothing else does—I endure.”
The storm pressed harder, but Mika no longer treated it as test or teacher. She walked through it as though she carried her own weather, the gale merely another voice failing to rise above hers. The sand lashed, the stars stared, the desert clawed — and still she spoke, her words steady as if they had already been written somewhere older than this land.
“They call it madness,” she said, voice cutting sharp as steel dragged across stone. “As if madness is weakness. As if the mind unraveling is something to pity. But madness is not weakness. Madness is clarity no one else dares to see. Madness is the mirror held too long. Madness is the truth spoken without restraint. Madness is the infection of thought that spreads until the lie has no room left to breathe. They name me mad because they fear the day they will think the same and realize it was never madness at all — it was inevitability.”
The wind tore her words into a hundred shards, scattering them across the dark, but each shard carried its sharpness. She pressed her palm against her chest, steady.
“Madness is not a crown. It is not a curse. It is a creed. It is the rule that hides inside every other rule. You will kneel to it whether you name it or not. It is patient. It is infinite. It is mine.”
Her shadow rippled across the sand, distorted, stretched, as though even the night bent under her speech. She kept walking, boots dragging trails that vanished as quickly as they formed.
“You want parables? Listen. A city builds its walls higher each year, stones stacked on stones until sunlight barely enters the streets. They call themselves safe. They call themselves eternal. But the sewers below grow fat with rot. One day, without trumpet or warning, the streets buckle, the walls collapse inward, and the city drowns in its own waste. Was it enemy? Was it war? No. It was what they ignored. It was what they called beneath them. It was the infection waiting underneath the stone. Always waiting. Always mine.”
Her eyes narrowed against the grit, unblinking.
“A king rules his throne for forty years. He wears gold, commands armies, builds monuments to his name. But he cannot command time. His bones thin. His lungs weaken. His hand trembles on the hilt. His monuments fall to shadow while he still breathes. He is eaten alive by the very years he thought he commanded. He dies not by sword, not by treachery, not by fire. He dies by inevitability. He dies by me.”
She paused, the storm screaming around her, sand biting at her skin. Her eyes sharpened, her words cutting closer to the truth of the match ahead.
“Some walk into the storm believing their lungs stronger, their bones harder, their heart unyielding. They believe endurance is theirs, a gift branded onto their flesh. That is the mistake she carries. Bea Barnhart wears resilience like armor, as though endurance cannot be borrowed, cannot be stolen, cannot rot. But even armor rusts. Even bones crack. And endurance does not belong to her. It belongs to me. Infection teaches her this truth — slowly, until her breath fails her, until her will is nothing but a memory of strength.”
Her head tilted, voice sliding lower.
“A mountain boasts its age, its height, its weight. Generations kneel at its foot and call it eternal. But one crack forms, invisible, a line that widens with each season. Snow melts, water seeps, ice swells. The mountain does not fall in spectacle. It slouches, stone by stone, until it is rubble. The people mourn, saying the gods struck it down. No. The gods had nothing to do with it. The mountain fell because it believed itself beyond erosion. Bea is that mountain.”
The storm screamed again, as though to drown her, and she raised her voice not in volume but in weight. Each word struck like stone on stone, a creed being carved in real time.
“I am not the flame. I am the smoke that clings after the fire dies. I am not the sword. I am the rust that devours it. I am not the scream. I am the silence afterward, when silence feels heavier than war. I am not the fall. I am the fact that everything falls.”
Her voice hardened.
“They call me an infection. And they are right. Infection is not a weakness. It is not a disease. Infection is survival. Infection is patience. Infection is the only truth this world has ever known. Kingdoms fall. Bodies break. Empires rot. But infection— infection endures.”
She paused, her breath steady, her eyes fixed on the horizon where the black met the black. The desert was not empty. It was full of her voice.
“Every creed has its tenets. Mine are simple. Nothing survives. Everything spreads. Time is mine. Endurance is mine. Silence is mine. Madness is mine. And when the bell tolls, it does not call for salvation. It does not call for mercy. It calls for me.”
She slowed, planting her boots against the gale as though delivering judgment. The monastery was gone behind her, swallowed by sand and shadow, but its bell still rang in her chest. She spoke now not as parable, not as prophet, but as creed. Each word deliberate, cold, final.
“I do not fight. I do not chase. I do not rage. I do not forgive. I enter. I remain. I outlast. I endure.”
The storm bent around her as if those words had weight greater than the wind. She lowered her arms, her voice falling into a quiet that carried farther than a shout ever could.
“I am not a spectacle. I am not salvation. I am not defeat. I am what waits. I am what spreads. I am what survives when nothing else does. I am the infection in the marrow of this world. And when the bell tolls—”
The wind hit her face, tearing blood from her lips, but she did not flinch. She smiled.
“—it tolls for what you were before me.””
Her voice shifted now, sharper, colder, narrowing like a blade tip.
“For her, it was too late the moment she agreed to stand across from me. Too late when she convinced herself she could outlast me. She will not be broken by force. She will not be conquered by spectacle. She will be undone by inevitability. By patience. By infection. By me.”
The horizon was black upon black, the sky split with stars like the eyes of a congregation too far to save her, too far to damn her. The monastery was gone, swallowed behind sand and shadow, its bell silent. But she carried the sound still in her chest — a toll that was not mercy, not law, but inevitability.
Her boots pressed onward, leaving no path behind, each step swallowed as soon as it was made. The storm screamed and shoved, sand clawed her ankles, grit streaked blood across her cheeks, but Mika walked as though she carried her own gravity, as though the desert bent to her pace.
The wind howled one last time, pushing, testing, demanding. She only smiled into it. Not wide. Not kind. A thin, sharp smile that belonged to no living saint.
Her voice dropped low, quieter than the storm, but heavier than thunder.
“…It’s already too late.”
The desert swallowed her whole. The storm closed around her. The night carried her words forward, carried them everywhere, carried them into silence — and the silence spread like infection.
“The desert forgets names, the storm devours prayers, but infection remembers. It does not forgive. It does not heal. It waits in silence, patient, eternal. And when the bell tolls again, it will not toll for the world — it will toll for her.”
The bells tolled once, deep and final.
And Mika did not look back.
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