Chapter 35: More Questions Than Answers

One of the biggest problems having people who care about you is that they want to know everything about what is going on in your life. There are very few people who feel that way towards me. I’m not really what you would call a likable person, and I accept that. I have a handful of friends, And while I’m grateful to have them, I’m not entirely certain the feelings that we have are mutual. I would be more than happy to be left alone to just enjoy my life. Without them. But for some odd reason, there are a few certain individuals who can look past all of my anger, issues, and narcissism and see someone worth knowing.

Among these people are members of my family. I have an interesting relationship with my brother Jax. He and I never really got along. Not until he came back into our lives after he disappeared, and I saw what he went through. For years, I blamed him for leaving, but now there is quiet respect. Then there’s my oldest sister, Amber. A woman who I was constantly trying to follow in her footsteps, and live up to the reputation that she had earned as a professional wrestler. A woman who shadow that I had felt for the longest time.

But out of my siblings, the one who was closest to Me was Tasman. The baby of the family. The youngest, and in some ways, the black sheep. Out of the four of us, she was the one who had the nicest upbringing. Coming into her own, and having memories after our father had passed away. She had been raised without that dark cloud hanging over her head. As such she only heard stories of what myself, Amber, and Jax had to go through.

However, Jax and Amber knew that there would be certain things in our lives and the amount of patience and quiet we needed. To respect each other’s privacy. If something was going on in Amber‘s life, I was not going to press and prod. I was going to let her come to me with any problems that she had if she wanted to talk. And she had that same respect for Me. Tasmin, however, didn’t have that same respect.

She wanted to know what was going on, she wanted to know what everyone’s deep and dark secrets were. And she knew that I was hiding something. She knew I was hiding some kind of pain deep down inside, an anger that wasn’t there before, she could see a plane as day. And what made it worse was that I knew she could. I felt it, her eyes moving across the room and coming to a stop on Me. Studying Me, looking for any subtle movements that would clue her into what exactly was going through my mind

My upper right lip twitched, and my nostrils flared as I tried to keep myself from exploding at her and asking her just what it was. She was looking at. I took a deep breath and cracked my neck. Tasman moved closer, placing her hands on the black marble of my kitchen countertop, and leaning forward with a tilt of her head. I swallowed, closing my eyes to calm myself, so I would not yell right in her face, Tasman chuckled and shook her head, stepping back and folding her arms over her chest

”So, did you talk to Finn? Get all this nonsense sorted out?” I stayed silent, ignoring her. I really should have known better, she was never going to take that as an answer, and she was not going to let Me get away with it. ”Hmmm? Did you ask about that Kei guy? What was going on? Did you find out what you wanted to know?”

My eye twitched. Tasmin leaned in and got even closer. Her way to let me know she wasn’t going to let this go. ”No. I got nothing out of him. It is probably nothing anyway.”

Tasmin put her finger to her lips and made a small “tut” sound. She sneered and shook her head. She was having none of it. ”Do I look stupid to you Kay?” Before I could answer in my usual bitchy way she conti her. Ruining my fun. ”I can tell by the look on your face there was more than that. Spill the tea!” She folded her arms. Clearly, she was determined and that just annoyed me even more.

I huffed and rolled my eyes. ”Let's just say we had a difference in philosophy.” Tasmin blinked a few times. That answer didn’t satisfy her. She just continued to stare at me. Pushing further and deeper. I growled and threw my arms in the air unable to hold back the anger and frustration that was bubbling up about this entire situation. ”That man just refuses to listen to reason or my fucking opinion.”

Tasmins ears perked up. ”Oh? Opinion about what?

She was baiting me. She knew it. I knew it. But fuck it. In for a penny in for a pound. ”I know he’s hiding something Tas. That Kei is bad news and he gives me this sick messed up feeling I haven’t felt since I was with the Romani.” Tasmin raised an eyebrow. She had heard about it all third hand. In fact, the closest she came was one time that Jace saw her. The only time that he did. ”He’s playing a dangerous game here. I basically told him I was sorry for fucking caring.”

Her eyes widened she raised her hands to her mouth with a sharp inhale of surprise. ”Awwww you care about him!!!” She missed the point. Completely missed it. I blinked a few times and closed my eyes. She zeroed in on the one point I didn’t want her to or need her to. ”About time you admitted it…”

”I care because we’re tag team champions Tasmin, I need him to stay on top of his game..”

”Ya huh…bullshit.” She scoffed and shook her head, fluttering her hand with a dismissive arrogance. ”You don’t have that kind of tone in your voice if it’s professional care. It’s personal…” My nostrils flared, I closed my eyes again and took a deep breath before backing up and turning to Tasmin.

”Fuck off.”

Tasmin squealed and spun around with laughter. ”Ha! See!. You care about him, you keep trying to hide it but here you are…you see him in trouble, you’re worried, it’s cute…” My annoyance was palpable. My hands clasped into fists and I stayed staring ahead. I was angry, furious, frustrated. And it was for one simple reason…

She was right….

I did care about him. Very much so. Seeing him in pain, angry, or in trouble or hurt. I hated it. I growled under my breath and folded my arms over my chest closing myself off. ”So, what do I do?” I waited for an answer, stepping forward and throwing my hands in the air. ”Exactly. You don’t have an answer. I don’t know what he’s going through, he won’t tell me and if I care then I’m going to go fucking insane…”

I knew what was about to happen, I felt it, I folded my arms over my chest and I pouted. Yes, me, I pouted. But pfft, it’s only me and Tasmin, no one else knows.

”So…..you’re not going to admit it?”

” ….I hate you…”

Misdirection

”Last time you all saw me in a match I had my hand held high, the next time after that was standing toe to toe on the mic with Julianna DiMaria. Another victor as I verbally beat her down. But the last time you guys saw me in a non-in-ring role was the contract signing. And I hate that she got the better of me…”

Kayla growls, narrowing her eyes and trying to breathe

”But with a match of that magnitude looming on the horizon I’m sure most of you inbred, incel, incompetent idiots think I’ll lose focus on the mixed tag team titles. But you could not be further from the truth. But don’t get me wrong, I’m looking forward to that match, a chance to be the SCW bombshells champion…..”

“There is still so much work to be done with these tag titles I am not prepared to give them up. Even if I do have a huge match on the horizon I have never been someone to give in to pressure or crack. See Finn and I want to be the best mixed tag team champions ever. We want to overtake and be better than Wolfslair, Team Eggplant, Austin and Tempest, and of course London Underground.”

“You notice how I didn’t include Limitless in that little list?”

“You know why?”

“Cause they aren’t in the conversation for the best ever. But Finn and I are. From winning the titles to defending them against Miles and Alexandra, Ben and Samantha, and of course a rematch against Eiley and Oz, we have set the standard and will continue to do so.”

Kayla folds her arms over her chest, showing off her tattoos as she sneers and shakes her head.

”I am not going to let my aspirations to return to singles glory stop me from keeping my promises. My promise to make sure these tag team championships mean something. To return them to the glory that they have only had small sporadic moments in the past. We have had some great mixed tag team champions, but none of them have ever been able to get to the heights that they  deserve.”

“But why is that? One of the big reasons was the rule that if you were a mixed tag team champion, you could not go for singles gold. Now that that rule is dead buried where it should always have been, you will see a lot more people willing to come after these championships. which has made it all the more impressive that we have been able to hold onto them as long as we have. Turning back challenges of champions and former world champions who have been put together in teams..”

“So yes I will be going for that bombshell championship. And yes it will take some of my focus away from the mixed tag team championships. But not on days like today. Not on weeks like this week. Not when I have a defense looming.”

“So, now we get to a new defense. A few weeks after it should have happened. And all jokes aside about Miles Kasey and Carter I’m glad to see Carter has recovered and he is ready for this. It’s just too bad a talent like him is being weighed down by Ariana.”

Cute the classic eye-roll from Kayla as she remembered her matches against Ariana

”Now don’t get it twisted here. I’m not saying that Carter would be able to beat Finn and take that world championship. I’m not even saying that Carter is on the same level as Finn but what I am saying is that he would at least put up a fight, and he is at least someone who can have glory in SE as long as he actually tries. As long as he takes things seriously and steps up to the plate, the sky is the limit for a man like Carter. He is amazingly popular, flamboyant, charismatic, and so much more athletic than anyone gives him credit.”

“As well as being tough as nails. He took that beating from Austin like a champ.”

“I wish Carter had a halfway decent partner. Cause it isn’t fair that he’s being dragged down by Ariana. However, I don’t think Carter is ready for this. I don’t think he realizes just how sadistic Finn can be and how tough he is. Finn is our world champion. For a reason, he has had a sporadic time in this company that has always come out on top at is now two-time world champion. He’s one of the most dangerous men on the roster and one of the most dangerous human beings in this business. and he and I team together almost unstoppable, and Carter would’ve needed a partner with a damn”

“Too bad he has a partner that is worthless as the gum on my boot.”

She moves around and paces back and forth. An angry and annoyed look was etched on her face.

”The reason I can say that is simple. Ariana and I know each other very well. Don’t we Ariana? You and I have gone too many times in this company. And what has happened every single time? Tell me Ariana what has happened? Because I can tell you exactly what’s happened. I have beaten you. I beat you for my Internet championship time and time again, any time they put you against me. I have stood tall with my hand raised while you have laid on the mat crying like a little bitch because you couldn’t get the job done.”

“And now it’s even worse. Because now instead of you just letting yourself down or members of your family down you are going to let Carter down. This isn’t just about you anymore. It’s about him. The worst part about all of this is that you’ve been letting him down for a long time now. When you pick up your phone and put out a tweet or an ex or whatever they want to call it, you embarrass yourself and you embarrass your partner. The stupid things that you say in the stupid claims that you make always end up, coming back and biting in the ass”

“You don’t care though.”

“Cause you don’t care about anyone. You are selfish. You don’t care about Carter and you don’t care about how all of these things make him look. You don’t care that every single time you step in the ring with him, he has to drag you to victories while you drag him to losses. and this time you are going to lose the mixed tag team championships for him. Because that is all you know how to do. You drag everyone around you down because that’s the kind of person you are. Even now you want to be selfish when it comes to these championships.”

Kayla’s voice raises up into almost a yell

”These titles need champions that are going to push themselves further. These championships need champions who are going to be able to have one foot in the mixed tag team division at one foot in any singles division that they choose to be in. They need people who are good enough to shoulder that load and handle that pressure and sweetheart you are nowhere near that level. In fact, you aren’t even close.”

“You couldn’t handle playing second fiddle to me in the Internet division. You saw me rising up to become a champion that everyone looked up to and wanted to beat, and you decided to continuously throw, tantrums over and over again. And I couldn’t let you hold that championship. I couldn’t let you have it and say that you were the champion because all that would do Is devalue it.”

“So now, here we are. Another championship another division and another chance for you to make a complete asshole of yourself. But as I said this time, it’s not just yourself you’re dragging down it’s Carter as well.”

“So I can’t let someone like you hold these titles.”

“I will do everything in my power to keep them away from you. Anything that I have to do. Any trick that I need to pull, no matter how unbelievably brutal I need to be. I am going to do everything I can to stay one-half of the mixed tag champions. And then I will go on to do something that you can never dream of doing. I will become a double champion. But it all starts with beating you and Carter and you better believe that that’s what I’m going to do.”

Chapter 31: Gypsy Blues

There are certain notes in my past that I struck a line through. Notes and stories that, quite simply put, did not belong in my vocabulary of things I wanted to talk about, think about or relive whatsoever. But with every year that goes by, I can’t help but think of where I have been in relation to where I’m going. And where am I now? Well, home. Alone. As the new year rings in, gone was the happiness, real or fake, of Christmas. Now it was all about renewal. It was all about the same lie everyone always talks about.

New year….

New me…

That mantra ran through my head as I stood in my lounge room, staring out my large bay window and out into the city lights and to the ground. I couldn’t help but wonder to myself, how many of those people thought that? How many people looked into the mirror and lied to themselves? Fully believing that, as the new year dawned, they were somehow going to magically change everything about themselves and become a new person? I was willing to bet that it was well over half of them. But unfortunately, for everyone else in my life – whether that is my coworkers or my friends – it isn’t New Year, New Me. It’s New Year, but same old Kayla fucking Richards.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, cracking my neck as I tried to get my head back in the game. I had so much to plan, so much to work toward, and it all was going to start this week. In the morning I had to organize my flight to Colorado. I had to pack my gear, extra clothes, book an Uber to the airport. All the usual things I needed to do every single time I went to work.

I was ready, mentally and physically. While so many others gorged themselves on fattening food and became lazy, I went to the gym. I worked my ass off all in preparation to come back in even better shape than when I left.

I prepared to go to bed with just a few things left to do when there was a knock at the door. I raised an eyebrow, moving toward it while I looked at the small screen that connected to the camera above the door. My heart dropped and then suddenly raced. ”Jace?” I couldn’t believe my eyes or my own voice as his name escaped my lips. He knocked again and I jumped.

What did he want? Should I let him in? After everything?

I leaned my head against the wall next to the door and shook my head, realizing he wasn’t going to leave. And, against my better judgment, I opened the door. There he stood. 6’7, 280 pounds, still in amazing shape. His long blond hair tied back in a bun, his beard neatly trimmed and dressed in a black suit with a white shirt left open at the top. A very different look from what I remember. ”Kayla…..Se Poate?” He was testing me, trying to see if I still remembered Romani.

I turned to the side, letting him in, and as he walked past me my mind flashed. Right back to the last time I saw him.


5 Years Ago.

Blood dropped from my bottom lip, my body ached as I took a deep breath in, the bruises on my ribs making every breath a chore. A painful one. I winced again as I looked down at my knuckles, bloody and beaten. But this was my life after moving in with the gypsies. The compound they had bought and built in upstate New York. My sister Amber had married Renee, their heir apparent and prince, and at the same time I had been given to…him.

Jace Pleasant. The younger brother of Renee. Just as big, just as strong, just as impressive. But while Renee was held to the traditions of a Romani prince, that being honor through strength and domination, Jace was kinder. His actions spoke louder than words as he cared for me, and despite the fact I didn’t love him, I accepted my fate with him as long as I could.

Becoming a Femeie Soldat.

Every fight I had to prove my worth was a step toward respect. But, there was something in the air tonight. Something that felt wrong and different. I heard loud talking. I made out a few words in both English and Romani – something big had happened. There were footsteps, heavy ones, and they drew closer. Before I knew it, the door swung open. Jace slid down to one knee. ”Kay, we need to go….now.” He held out his hand, I raised my eyebrow and shook my head. I was sure that this was some kind of trick or test to make sure I was still loyal to the clan.

He groaned and reached down, pulling me up by force and taking my hand, leading me out the door and down the hallway. ”Where are going?...” He didn’t answer me, his head darting side to side as we watched others run toward the back of the compound. ”What happened?” Still nothing as we reached the gate. I ground my teeth together, sick of being kept in the dark, and planted my feet before yanking my arm from his grasp. [color]violet]“JACE!....what happened?”[/color]

He swallowed and shook his head before looking back at me. His eyes were different. Still very much him, but a deep sadness behind them; he looked down at me and shook his head. ”Renee he…he’s dead.” A shiver went through my body. The patriarch of the clan. Dead. ”Someone got to him, I don’t know who, but he’s gone Kayla.” A few moments passed, he seemed distracted by it all before snapping himself back to reality, in a smooth movement he turned and kicked the side door open.

”What are you doing?”

”Go…” I was confused, lost; I had no idea what to do. Jace looked down and for a moment questioned his own choices before again snapping back to reality. ”Go Kay…you don’t belong here, your sister has already gotten out. Go…please….” I took a deep breath and moved through the door before stopping and turning, kissing Jace on the cheek before backing up and running as fast as my legs could take me….


Present Day

”What are you doing here, Jace?”

He moved across the floor, moving down to the large white leather lounge sitting in front of my large crystal glass coffee table. Moving to the far left, sitting down and making himself at home, much to my disgust. ”An old friend can’t come to visit?”

I took in a sharp breath, my nostrils flaring as my arms folded over my chest. ”Let me rephrase…” I moved closer. ”What the fuck are you doing here?”

His cocky shit of a smile faded. He realized I wasn’t in the mood for bullshit. So now it seemed like he was ready to get down to business. He sat forward, but for now stayed seated. ”You really don’t know why I’m here?”

”I don’t even know how you found me…”

I had kept off most public directories, keeping myself somewhat under the radar in my personal life. Jace chuckled and shook his head. ”You think I had to find you?” He scoffed and shook his head, raising his eyebrows. ”We never lost you…We’ve always known where you are, Kayla. You’re a loose end. You know our inner workings, our hierarchy. You know a shit ton that could hurt us…so…we kept tabs on you…a job I took personally…”

I narrowed my eyes and shook my head, clicking my tongue before shrugging. ”So what? You’re just checking I haven’t been squealing on you? News flash, once I left I wanted nothing to do with that life. Same as Amber, we got out, we want to stay out…”

”Really?” He pushed his hands off his knees standing up and towering over me. Even as he stayed on the floor below the three steps leading up to my kitchen and doorway area. ”Then can you explain why your friend, fuckbuddy, tag partner, whatever he is, has ties to the Yakuza?”

There was awkward silence.

I fluttered my hand and rolled my eyes. ”The fuck are you on about? This is seriously what you’re going with?” Jace stepped back, now it was his turn to be confused. I threw my hands in the air and laughed to myself. ”I see what is going on here. You heard I was single, and have been for a while and you missed me. But the thing is, I want nothing to do with you….ever…end of story…so take your little stories…and leave.”

”You really don’t know do you?” He chuckled, confusion ran through me as he went from chuckling to flat out laughing at me. ”Seems like you don’t know Finn as well as you seem to believe. But, on a personal note. I have been monitoring your socials. And I know you’re single. But…I prefer my conquests to be a little…less used…” I ground my teeth together and he reached out, placing his right hand on my cheek, his pinky, ring finger, middle finger and pointer all stretching all the way around to the back of my neck and head while his thumb came to rest on my bottom lip.

”But, I still know what kind of man you want…” He smiled, my heart raced, his eyes then changed, his hand moved and grabbed my head and neck, hard. Pulling me closer as his voice lowered. ”I also remember what kind of man you need…and Finn ain’t it. But then again…you know me…” He released his grip stepping back with a coy smile before moving past me toward the door. ”Seems like you don’t know Finnegan….maybe you should ask him about his little Yakuza friend…and how he knows him…cause honestly…Finn and I aren’t that much different…”

He adjusted his suit, opening the door and disappearing. As the door closed, I let out the breath I had been holding, my chest heaving as I started to shake, moving fast I deadbolted the door and turned leaning my back against it, sliding down to the floor I felt tears well up from deep below. I was scared.

I don’t do scared….


Future

”I never get tired of saying “I told you so” and honestly. Why should I?”


Kayla sights heavily, sitting down on a large red rock in the middle of the famous Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs, her hands clasped together as she takes in a deep breath of fresh, cold air. Snow on the ground nearby, but far from the blizzard downpour down the mountains.

”I have made a career out of defying what people say about me or think about me. I have made a career at being able to laugh in the faces of people who think they know me but really know nothing. Do you all think that this company is my first foreign into being told this stupid crap? When I was younger, it was all about being in my sister’s shadow. Everyone knew Amber Richards. Everyone knew what she was capable of and everybody knew that she was a former champion. And who was I exactly? I was just her stupid little younger sister, trying to make a living.”

“Thing is, it’s always something new. It went from my sister to any of my friends that I happen to be hanging out with at the time. See, some people know this and some people don’t, but I’m actually very good friends with Crystal Hilton. I know she goes by many other names, and she has become the butt of so many jokes in this company, but the truth is that for the longest time I was accused of riding her coattails because of who she is and what she’s accomplished.”

“I know. Weird, right?”

“But now, well, now it’s all about Finn. Apparently, he is just carrying me towards championships and towards titles. Even though before he and I decided to team together, I was already winning championships and proving that I wasn’t the weakling of anything. People seem to forget that I’m a three time Internet Champion, and that I have beaten some of the best of the best in this company. And before I talk about the match that I have coming up just down the road at the Denver Coliseum, let me give you a few New Year’s resolutions for 2024. That seems to be what we all want to do. You’d like that right? To know what I have planned for the New Year? Because I can assure you, while being part of the greatest tag team that this company has ever seen is definitely on the top of that list, it is not the be all, end all of what I want to accomplish this year.”

Kayla gets to her feet, her black and white converse runners letting out a crunching noise as she stops on the rocky path below, turning and looking up at the impressive formations made from hundreds of thousands of years of water and wind erosion. She turns back toward the invisible fourth wall and sighs heavily.

”Keeping the Mixed Tag Team Championships out of the hands of teams that are undeserving is certainly something that both Finn and I want to do. That includes the former champions, one half of which I am being forced to face this coming week. But aside from that, aside from keeping these championships in highest esteem and high regard, making them a prize to be wanted and looked at as a true pinnacle in this business, I also want to expand my horizons when it comes to what I’ve done and what I’ve been able to do. Everyone knows the other disdain I have for the Roulette Championship so please for the love of God, Mark Ward, Christian Underwood, please do not put me in any matches for that piece of shit championship.”

“But what of the Internet championship? Do I want to become a record setting four time champion? Do I want to hold that championship again and break all previous records including defenses and days held? Maybe. But I also hate repeating myself. No, this year, Kayla Richards is shooting right to the top. I am going to go for that World Bombshells Championship. In between my duties as the Mixed Tag Team Champion along with Finn, I fully intend on doing everything I can to get my hands on that World Bombshell Championship. That means any opportunity I have in a singles match, well, I have to just knock it out of the park. But wait, I’m a tag team specialist now right?”

“How can I be expected to win the biggest singles championship in this company when the only way I can do anything is by being dragged along by Finnegan? At least that’s what my opponent this week would have you believe since that’s what Eiley seems to think. About everybody. She has one of those diseases where she believes herself to be far superior to everyone. And talks a lot of bullshit to make people convinced of it.”

Kayla laughs to herself, shaking her head and walking down the rocky path by herself.

”I get it though. I’ve known girls like you my entire life, Eiley. You’ve been told by people over and over again, just how good you are, and how good you are going to be. They’ve built your ego up. Your mentors, your partner in crime, all of your friends. They have all built you up to make your ego as big as it possibly can be. You’ve even had some success to actually show that they might not be wrong. Before you and Ollie became the Mixed Tag Team Champions, you did have some single success. You got in the ring with people, like Samantha Marlowe and Mercedes, Vargas, and had some success. You beat two Hall of Famers who were both world champions.”

“Then again…who hasn’t?”

She can’t help but shrug, waiting for laughter to her punchline that due to the sheer isolation won’t ever come.

”You and I are looked at as the future of this division. You have to be blind if you can’t see that. We are both looked at as the ones who are going to carry this division through the next five years as some of the older, more established stars either leave or end up getting burnt out. That’s what they’re banking on. That’s why this match has been billed the way it has.”

“Eiley versus Kayla Richards.”

“The heat and hatred we have.”

“If there is heat between us, then it is definitely one-sided. You see, Ei, I don’t care about you enough to hate you. But there seems to be some form of belief that there is hatred there. If you hate me, then that’s on you. I greatly dislike your attitude, and I think you have a massive problem. And I get that seems rich coming from someone like me. I’m arrogant, I’m brash, I’m insulting, I’m a bitch – I get it. But that arrogance and ego I have earned years of blood, sweat, and tears, and through being able to beat everyone who they put in the ring with me at one point or another. If I’m beaten by someone, I get my win back – that is just who I am and what I do and what I’m about..”

She stops turning and shrugging.

”You’re too arrogant and self righteous to ever admit you’re wrong. And the worst part, Eiley, is that it’s all there, plain as day for the world to see why you and Oliver lost to us. And it has nothing. NOTHING to do with any perceived carrying on Finn’s part. No, I can show you with proof, Eiley, why you and your boy toy failed TWICE against us.”

“Look at what hapopned when this match was announced. You and I performing on the first Climax Control of the new year. I got excited despite the fact I had to face you…again. Your partner celebrated not being booked and being able to take a “longer” vacation while you had to “go to work”. Finn on the other hand? He got annoyed he wasn’t booked, he booked tickets to come to the show JUST IN CASE. Because he’s a professional...unlike you and Oliver…”

“It goes back further than that, Eiley. It goes back to when you and Oliver lost to us the first time. Instead of acknowledging it, seeing where you went wrong, you both threw tantrums and fell into deep depressive bullshit and lost over and over again. Time and time again, you two just ignored the elephant in the room. And no, I don’t mean Kris Ryans and Mikah’s egos. I mean the loss. You were so unbelievably shocked that we beat you that you just ignored it.”

“Like a child afraid of the monster under the bed, you shut your eyes tight and hoped and prayed it would go away.”

Kayla closes her eyes tight, mimicking the action as she balls her fists together before opening her eyes with an arrogant sneer.

”Only we didn’t go away. We defended those titles and showed the world we were the best while you two fumblefucked your way through match after match and lost time and time again before beating the Barnharts and taking your rematch. One you never really earned. Only to lose again. So, we circle back around to why the marketing for this match is all wrong. See, SCW wants all the people at home to believe this is going to be some sort of fiery, epic clash between two women who hate each other and want to settle a score.”

“But the score is settled. It’s the final and we won. And now you have to drag your ass to the ring one on one after all the shit you talked and try and claw back some form of dignity as you push a narrative that makes no sense. Eiley, you seem to think I have to beat you one on one to prove you wrong or validate my existence when in reality, that’s on you.”

“I already mentioned the fact I’m a three time internet Champion.”

“The women you beat, I beat too.”

“And you look at my history in this company and I have lost four times. FOUR. I am undefeated on Climax Control. I have already proved myself cause honey, because out of those four losses, none of them, NONE of them have been to you. But how many of your losses have been to me? And you think out of some misguided fake confidence that you are going to beat me because this match is one on one? Bring that confidence, Eiley. Bring all of it. Bring Mikah and Kris and Olly and that little yapping puppy you got, bring all of Jet City. I don’t care. All that confidence, all that bravado is just a mask because the one thing you could do to beat me you just won’t ever do because you ego is not capable…”

“Acceptance.”

“Accept the fact your mentors failed you, accept the fact you have lost and need to realize you are not as good as you believe yourself to be. Accept the fact that blow by blow I am better than you. Then maybe. Just maybe, you’ll rise above and be the challenge you seem to think you are…”

Chapter 25: One Step Forward, Two Steps Back.

It had been an interesting few weeks for me. Through the professional struggles that I had been forced to endure, I had a small glimmer of hope in my personal life away from the bright lights of professional wrestling, and the trials and tribulations that we are all forced to go through. After leaving the comfort of the place that I had called “Home” for the better part of the year, and the only place that I had actually felt welcome, I needed to be on my own. I needed to strike out and find a place that was uniquely me, while also allowing me to spread my wings.

This might come as a surprise to most people, but I’m not exactly the most social person on the face of the Earth. I don’t like to float around to different groups and make myself known. A social butterfly, I am not. But for a select few, I can be open. Well, as open as you’d expect me to be. In the last couple of weeks, while I had been ignoring my professional life, my personal life had felt better.

I settled on an apartment. Beautiful and spacious, but still cozy enough that I felt secure and safe. A place that I could really feel at home with. One that I bought and was mine. Not one that I shared with someone else, not one that was in someone else’s name, not even one that I rented. This was mine. I owned it. See, I have never put roots down. My sister was right in that regard. I had moved from my parents place, to living with my sister, to living with boyfriends, to living with Finn and all the others. I had traveled everywhere, but never stopped to really be myself and have a place that I could love and call my own.

That all changed a few weeks ago.

And since I moved in, I felt myself feeling more open. Both of my sisters had come to visit, my brother, even my mother. I welcomed them with open arms, gave each one of them the grand tour of my little corner of paradise. A nice open plant family room, overlooking a large bay window with a balcony. Twelve stories up. A large kitchen that I had sworn to myself and I was going to learn how to use it. Three bedrooms, the master bedroom for myself obviously, but two guest bedrooms in case my sisters ever wanted to stay over.

This was mine.

The feeling of independence and being okay with being alone sent to wash over me and fit me like a glove. Tasmin came to visit me, her long hair tied back, looking every bit the mother that she had become since her daughter, Dawn, had come into this world a little over a year ago. I must admit, I enjoyed spending time with my baby niece. Her adorable little face and look at of innocence was something that I had been missing in my life, and that I had lacked since I could remember.

But now, while she sat across from me, I could feel that she wanted to ask me some questions. She seemed happy for me, something that filled me with a certain feeling of pride. See, Tasmin had always wanted more for me. She was a loving person, always being there for her older sisters and wanting us to be happy. As happy as she was with her husband and her child, and while Amber had also settled into her own life of calm contemplation. I have never been someone to find that level of domestic bliss.

She smiled, lifting up her coffee cup and taking a sip before looking around the kitchen and across out the window.  “It’s a beautiful apartment, Kay. I’m glad you took it, and everything here…” She looked around, the vintage horror posters and band posters mixed with artistic interpretations of ancient Celtic and Slavic legends showing off my personality. “It’s very you.”

She was right. Of course, I have definitely personalized the apartment, to my own tastes. ”Thanks…I guess”

“It seems nice and quiet too…like you’ll be left alone.” I chuckled and shook my head, I know why Tasmin feels that way, I know why she thinks that way.

I stretched and pointed to my left. “I know everyone who lives on this floor…my neighbors are alright.” Tasmin looked shocked, as I thought she would. After all, I have never been the type of person that wants to go into social situations with people I barely know. Most of the time, I don’t even want to be in social situations with people I do know. “The guy who lives two doors away is a music engineer. We chat about bands and I’ve even had coffee with him...”

Tasmin laughed it off, but when I didn’t laugh, she tilted her head and looked around before leaning in close. “Seriously? You? …wow…you really have settled in here. And you seem…happy…and you look like you took everything happening in SCW really well…”

I rolled my eyes and let out a huffing noise. I threw my hands up in the air before I leaned forward, grabbing my coffee and taking a sip. It didn’t really bother me, the world of professional wrestling has always been one of people falling, and then pulling themselves back up. People who fail and find redemption in unexpected victories. “You win titles and lose them Tas, I’m ready to go back to work…I’ll rise back upI’m too good not to.”

She looked confused, and in turn that confused me. She cleared her throat and tilted her head. “So, you’re ok with the match this week?”

“What match? I know I’m due to be there, but I haven’t checked…why?”

Tasmin went quiet, looking down and shaking her head. She looked worried, I raised my eyebrow and stared at her. ”Uh, well…you are teaming with Finn…”

I took a short, sharp breath in. My hands slowly pulled into fists as I tried to keep myself calm. Why? Why did I have to be teaming with him? I let out a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. Tasmin knew, sitting back and shaking her head, looking disappointed in herself. Like she just brought up some kind of bad memory that was breaking me. And in a way, it was. I had gone out of my way to put him out of my mind, to not even think about him or mention him. Even when his return match was announced, I simply put it out of my mind and didn’t watch it all. I didn’t go near any monitors. Backstage, I was like a ghost, grabbing my bag and leaving before he stepped foot out into that arena.

I thought I had done well….

”Why? Why the fuck am I teaming with him?” I trailed off, standing up and moving across the room to look out across the city, I just happened to be looking across toward the general direction of Finn’s home. MY home. I growled and lashed out, slamming my fist into the window and turning. Tasmin jumped and shook her head. “I’m ok...this is fine...it has to be a mistake.”

I picked up my phone, flicking through my emails and finding the booking schedule for it. ”I don’t think it’s a mistake…they’re already advertising it-”

My blood boiled, my hands shook, I felt my muscles tense up and as the anger rose up from my lower stomach I opened my mouth and screamed.

“FUCK!!!”

Teamwork Makes the Dream Work

”This is complete bullshit. I know why this is happening, but I also don’t understand why it is all coming up now. See, a few months ago Finn and I wanted to team together. The mixed tag team division was in tatters at the time and no one gave a crap about it. But he and I wanted to step foot in the ring together. Nobody listened, and nobody cared. But, he left, and I stayed. And the personal relationship that he and I had is not what it was. So why the fuck are we teaming together?”

Kayla is full of venom, anger and vitriol. She growls and shakes her head throwing her hands in the air.

”I just lost my Internet championship, and I did the best I could with that title. I raised it up to a goal that people wanted to chase and accomplish, a prize that was worth holding. I did that. No one else did that. And after losing it this third and final time, I was ready to move on. I was looking at the different champions in this company and the names that currently sit on top of the mountain. Legends that I could try and bait into matches that were high profile and would give me the right level of exposure. I was already dreaming of matches that I could have with the likes of Roxi Johnson and others.”

“I was ready to go after Courtney Pierce, and anyone else who was going to step in my way. I was ready to climb up the ladder of the Roulette or Bombshells divisions. Ready to go after either of those championships and show everyone just how good I am, and that my domination of the Internet Championship division was not a fluke, nor was it all that I’m capable of. In fact, it’s just the beginning.”

“The beginning of my ascent to greatness. But now? What am I to do?”

“I know, I’m going to chase this carrot. The carrot dangling in front of me and Finn. The mixed tag team titles. A division we wanted to champion and push forward at the beginning of the year that they sat there and went back and forth on if it was coming back and if it did what would the rules be? Cause back in the day, they didn’t really like people who ruled singles divisions to step in the mixed tag. That has since changed. I could have been the Internet Champion and mixed tag team champion. So now, after losing a championship that I built up and made into a prize, getting ready to restart my career in a new direction…I’m being put in a team with a man that…well…I have a personal issue with…”

Kayla throws her hands in the air pacing back and forth in anger and frustration, a full blown anger that she usually tries to hide.

”There’s no secret: Finn and I were close. Past tense. Were close. We were friends, roommates, maybe more. Truth is, I don’t know. But personal issues broke us down and I haven’t even talked to that man in two months. And now, here I am, being forced to team with him because of something we said a year ago. And even though Finn and I, separately, are incredible athletes, I don’t know what we are going to do in this match. I don’t even know if we can co-exist.”

“Finn and I are both former champions, former world champions in multiple companies. And in SCW alone, he and I have won numerous championships and Finn has been the World champion. Even a unfocused Finn Whelan is fucking dangerous. So regardless of who we are facing, you’d think we would be a threat. A threat to our opponents and a threat to the champions right?”

“Wrong…”

“Because I don’t even know if I can look at the motherfucker, let alone tag him in. And our opponents? What the shit is this? Jane and Tyler McCulligan. Are they a brother and sister twin team? A young married couple? Fucking on the side? They’re from Tennessee, so let's be real here….”

“It could be all three…”

She rolls her eyes and paces back and forth.

“These two arrogant little cockstains think they’re top shit. Nineteen years old, both, stomping around here like they’re going to be the next big things. Dreams and aspirations abound. And while part of me understands it and even respects it, I’m just in an all-around annoyed mood. See, at least these two don’t kiss peoples asses. They already have the attitude of wanting to step on people to get where they need and want to go. Normally I would applaud that and I would actually tell people straight up I was impressed. Might even give them a hearty thumbs up.”

“But this time? Nah. See not only do I want to win, which I always do, but I want to win by not even tagging in Finn.”

“Cause then I’d have to look at him.”

“So, the only way I can stop that is by grabbing Jane by her ratchet hair and beating the living hell out of her and not even giving her the opportunity to tag in Tyler. The only way is to beat the hell out of Jane to a ridiculous degree. And this ain’t personal generic mean girl plain Jane, This is a point of pride. Cause Finn and I, two veterans of the business with histories stretching back years, are facing two nineteen year old kids who think they’re top shit.”

“Truth is…we can’t lose to you.”

“This is a lose-lose situation. If we beat you, then we just beat two wet behind the ears rookies, arrogant little douchebags who think their shit doesn’t stink and who cut promos like they have stayed up all night watching Quinten Tarintino movies, but getting the pacing and dialogue all wrong. And if we win? Well shit, we just beat two kids who we are expected to beat. Even given your lives outside of all this, and the turmoil Finn and I have gone through, we should still beat you and losing to you both is frankly an option that fills me with a level of dread that I have only felt when the Starbucks barista uses whole milk in my chai…”

“Truth be told….I’m in a shitty mood and you, Jane…you are going to be the punishing bag I let all my anger out on, Tyler on the other hand? He’ll be fine…cause I don’t feel like letting Finn have any of the attention he doesn’t deserve.”

Chapter 19: The art bof trying not to snap

My eyes fluttered open, I didn’t want to get up. My entire body hurt. It had been two days after the triple threat match, two days after losing a championship I put so much time and effort into, losing a title I tried to make matter. And even though the woman who now held it deserved a chance to make it mean something and deserved respect…

The fact I lost without losing had made me angry in a way I wasn’t expecting.

The usual aches and pains from the match seemed amplified by the anger and frustration.

The night before I had laid in an ice bath, staring at the ceiling as I waited for the pain and inflammation to fade away, pulling myself out of the elevated porcelain tub I looked at myself in the mirror, studying my body in detail. Looking over every single red patch, light yellow and purple bruises dotted parts of me. I couldn’t help but laugh. I was in the best physical shape of my life, just entering what they call “wrestlers prime”. An age where your body was mature enough to match up with all the experience you had been able to gather.

I should be at the top of the card. Dominating everyone. But instead I was standing naked in my bathroom, studying my body like it was a roadmap of failure.

I was spiralling.

Laying in bed and watching the sunlight creep in. I didn’t want to get up, I didn’t want to face the day. I didn’t want to exist. But, I pulled myself up, sliding to the floor and standing up. I needed coffee, I needed food. I threw a shirt on and opened the door, moving down the hallway to the kitchen. It was quiet. I don’t think anyone else was home. Although, in this giant apartment we were largely able to stay out of each others way.

I flicked on the coffee machine, putting a capsule in and placing my cup under the spout. It was strange, not seeing Dikcie and Aiden being idiots, seeing Kallie trying so hard to be loving and supportive while resisting the urge to slap Aiden. Or seeing Miles sitting in the corner, texting Carter. It was good not seeing Finn, not because I had a problem with him, but because wherever he was she would follow.

And I was happy to not see Emi-

”Oh Hi you’re up!”

Fuck

It was like a stone dropped from my heart to the pit of my stomach, I was at home, alone, with the bubblehead. Finn had asked me to be nice to her, to tolerate her. And I had been trying. Trying so hard to just grin through all the anger I had. I turned to face her and gave a small nod before pouring the milk in to my coffee. I leaned against the kitchen counter, trying to put it across that I clearly wasn’t in the mood to talk or play nice. Even Tasmin had tried to give me the same advice, just to kill her with kindness.

However, all I wanted to do was the first part of that little saying. She moved around and gave a little hum tossing one of her teabags into a cup. It was tea, or so it said. But it smelled like a fruit candy, strawberry mixed with sugar or high fructose corn syrup. My stomach turned. My mother would have tossed those things out and scolded Emily for thinking this was, in any way, shape or form tea.

Emily smiled faintly and cleared her throat. ”How are you feeling Kayla?”

”Fine”

I was blunt. Sharp. As straight as I could be. I’d like to thinki she would get the hint. Everyone else would. Everyone else would feel the icy glare or feel the sharpness of my tongue and know it was time to simply back away. But not her. Not this twit who had invaded my life. ”Are you sure? Finny said you might be cranky…you know…since you lost and didn’t have a title anymore.”

I took a deep breath, I closed my eyes and took a sip of my coffee. It was ok, she doesn’t understand the stupidity of the things that come out of her mouth. I can forgive stupidity. Or so I told myself.”I’m sore, I’m tired…but I’ll be fine.” I took another sip and cracked my neck. Emily gave another nod and for a split second, for a fleeting, glorious, happy moment. I thought she got it.

I was wrong.

”Ahh, ok, good I guess. Finny was wrong then, he said it meant so much to you and he said you’d probably be down. But if it’s fine I guess I was right and it didn’t matter…” She gave a small hum and sipped her fruit flavored abomination.

I ground my teeth together and that seemed to be the last straw. That one little comment at the end. That it didn’t matter. ”Well, it did matter. It does matter. But I don’t feel the need or want to talk to you about it, since you don’t know what it’s like. To be a champion, to know you’re better and to prove it, then to have it taken away. Finn..he knows…so if I wanted to talk to anyone about it. Well.” I moved forward, a small smiled coming across my lips. ”It would be with him…in private..”

She seemed shocked, I finished my coffee and breezed past her, I could feel it, her eyes burning through my back. She was angry, she was offended. And I didn’t care. I was done playing nice with her. With this whole situation. And now, she was going to see that there is one rule above all you have to follow.

Don’t fuck with Kayla Richards

Rematch.

”Sweet dreams are made of these…”

She chuckles. Whether or not she was referencing the original or, more than likely the cover by Marilyn Manson is not known. What is known is that there seems to be something different about Kayla. Maybe it was some confidence missing. Maybe it was an anger or frustration inside her.

”So, here I am, Titleless. A fact that I am sure so many of you are happy with. A fact that Ariana Angelos has been so happy about, despite the fact she was the one who lost. Not me. She was the one who let herself get beaten by Melissa. She was the one who didn’t fight hard enough, who didn’t want it bad ernough. But, I am not completely blameless. See, I failed too, I failed to stop the madness. I failed to stop Melissa from beating Ariana. I failed to keep the match going and I failed to win.”

“But, I still watched my title reign end because of someone else. Six months of blood, msweat and tears. Six months of being the Internet champion and showing the world what mattered. Six months of dragging that title up to prestige after the muck it was left in.”

“I did that. Me. And it was ended all because someone was in the match who did not deserve to be. And I get it. Some of you, usually friends of Ariana, are probably tired of hearing it. But it’s just facts. She shouldn’t have been in the match. I beat her, I amended her. And in the end what happened? I told the world she was a liability. That she would cost me and then the company and she did…”

“And now we all have to pay for it.”

“The saddest part about all this, is if I was beaten one on one, by Melissa, well I would be fine with it. But we were robbed of that big moment. Robbed of me going into a match as the champion and her as the challenger to settle it. We had a third wheel, a squeaky wheel who ended up falling over because she simply couldn’t hold the weight.”

Kayla growls and folds her arms over her chest. She wears a black biker jacket, tight black skinny jeans, converse and a black and red band shirt featuring a logo that is close to impossible to read.

”And now, here we are. I was ready to move on. As a two time Internet champion and someone who restored the title to the prestige it needed after the dark times of “she who shall not be named lest she whine on twitter and threaten a comeback”, I wanted to step up. Not to the roulette title mind you, as that would be a step down, not up. So, I wanted to start off strong, maybe go for the Bombshells title…”

“But, instead, because of people doubting Melissa could beat me one on onje and only won because of Ariana, we have to run it back.”

“Now, I know what you’re all thinking.

“You all think I’m going to agree right? Say that Melissa can’t beat me. That she got lucky? No, no I’m noit. See, she already proved she was better than a lot of people gave her credit for. Shit, I showed her respect. And trust me on this, that rarely happens. So the whole reason this match hasd to happen, the whole reason why Melissa has to defend that title against me and the whole reason why I am going to get a chance is because of Ariana…”

“Admittedly I should of had a shot anyway..”

She chuckles and rolls her eyes.

”I held the title over a hundred days, I showed you all what a champion should be. I should of had that rematch in my pocket, but I was prepared to walk away. To let Melissa have her time in the sun and to be Internet champion. See, she could beat me, she has it in her. She could be the champion for a long time. But, now I feel the need to prove a point. I feel the need to stand up and say that Ariana was the reason I lost, Ariana was the reason Melissa won and to take that title back. As much as I respect what Melissa is capable of I think maybe some of you have had the wrong idea…”

“I can beat Melissa…”

“I can beat anybody.”

“And this week…I prove it..”

Chapter 15
The day he left.
Eleven Years Ago

I remember it like it was yesterday. The day the cracks first started to show in the facade of the wholesome family unit my father had created. The public image he showed to his friends, neighbours, workmates. The giant lie of a smiling, safe, loving family. The mask he wore as that of a great father. See, from the outside everyone envied him and us. They looked at his children and smiled.

Jaxon was sixteen – tall, athletic, good looking. Naturally gifted with blessed genetics from our father’s side. He never had to lift a weight or work hard to build an impressive physique. He was 6’5” at that age with more room to grow. He had jet black hair like myself and Amber, taken from our mother’s side. Amber was fourteen, I was eleven and Tasmin...poor, sweet little Tasmin was eight. She had platinum blonde hair and, unlike the green eyes that the three of us shared, she had bright blue eyes as beautiful as the mediterranean sea. 

People saw us and the smiles we had. The forced ones that we had learned – no, been terrified into – to look genuine. All of us were actors of the highest order. Jaxon knew how to hide bruises and scars. Amber knew how to hide her inner pain. I knew how to look the other way. And Tasmin was lucky. She was oblivious...too young to see it. But one day, it all changed. The day we woke up to yelling and bellowing. Not that it was anything out of the ordinary. 

“Where is the little cunt?!?!” Our father yelled as I heard something smash against the kitchen wall. I looked across the room to Tasmin's bed, her little head popping up startled. She knew about the yelling and screaming, but as far as anything else, she was untouched. Never feeling his unwanted touch, never seeing his hand strike mother or Jax. “His clothes are gone, he ain’t in his room. WHERE THE FUCK DID HE GO?” His voice bellowed again, I heard mother’s voice as she tried to lower the volume so we couldn’t hear. I shook my head at Tasmin and she laid down, holding her pillow over her head.

I heard Amber's door open. I knew she was standing behind it, looking through a small crack. Then I heard it. The unmistakable sound of flesh on flesh. My mother's body hit the floor. The thing is I didn’t hate my father at that moment. We all knew what he was like. I hated Jaxon. He left and didn’t care about the fallout. What we’d all have to go through. This had made father angry, and he’d take it out on mother, then get drunk and angry and then Amber would pay in a different way. Amber would make sure of it to protect Tasmin, but at the time I didn’t know it...at the time, I thought I was the only one.

Amber's door shut lightly. I still heard it, but I don’t think he did. No, father was too busy, too angry. I grit my teeth and growled under my breath. I switched off, I felt nothing. Even my hatred for my brother faded away for a time. The cracks were starting to show. He would have to explain where his oldest had gone...why he had disappeared. And we would all pay the price.

Present Day

My eyes flickered open, and I took a long, drawn out breath in, pushing my hands behind me and sitting up as the sunlight poured through the large bay window to my right. The light creeping along the floor in such a bright hue meant it was going to be a lovely day. But outside, being at the end of January in New York, it was going to be cold outside. Not as cold as it was the month before, but still cold as you step outside. I smiled. I didn't need to be anywhere, to do anything.

Maybe it was time.

I had given Finn space for the last month, since the Christmas party, since we fell asleep together after a night of just being us. I had to talk with him. I’d never been that vulnerable with someone. I was trying to be Kayla Richards, the bitch who never let anyone in. The woman who was closed off and cold after not having or needing anyone. I left that woman outside that bedroom. I left her out with everyone else. The truth is, Finn deserved better.

He deserved me

The real me, the little girl I hid away the first time the back of my father’s hand struck my cheek, the me that stayed locked in a cage as my childhood friend kissed me the first time we got high together and all I did was laugh at him.

He deserved to see me for me. And that had, quite honestly, fucking terrified me. And why shouldn’t it? I’m not a touchy, feely, loving person. I’m a cunt. But I’m a cunt [i\within[/i] reason. I do love my family. My sisters, their kids, even my friends in my own way. Crystal shits me to no end, and her life choices make me want to puke and I want to slap her upside the head.

But I care about her.

She’s my friend. But, Finn is different. Finn is special and I hoped without hope that he felt it, that he knows it and that when I go and talk to him he gets it. I pushed from the bed to the floor, sliding my feet across the hardwood, grabbing my white, silky dressing gown, quickly brushing my hair, ignoring the sinking need or want to put on makeup.

He could see me without it.

Anxiety.

I grabbed the door handle, stopping suddenly to look in the mirror and pump up the twins.

I mean, come on I’m not that secure in myself.
‘
The door opened and I turned right, moving down the hallway, toward the open plan kitchen, smelling some food – delicious food. Eggs, bacon, bagels. Good, he was cooking breakfast. The perfect time to sit and talk. I couldn’t help but smile. This was really it. Time to put it all out there. I stepped into the kitchen and looked up.

And suddenly, all of the good was gone and I felt my heart sinking. ”Who the fuck are you?”

This random blond, tall, skinny, blue eyes, pink lips, tanned skin, she was in the kitchen. MY[/u] kitchen. I could feel my blood boiling as she turned and smiled at me, flashing her bleached, machine whitened teeth, a slender hand shooting up as she waved her pink, manicured nails at me. ”Hi! I’m Emily!” She announced, in the most valley girl of voices I had ever heard.

My jaw clenched, my fists clenched, and I stepped forward toward her. My mouth opened, but before I could ask her who the fuck she was again, she stepped forward, head all bubbly and happy. “Oh my god, you must be Kayla, right? The black hair. Tats, smokin bod. Yeah, you’re Kayla…Finneh’s roommate!”

Finneh?

I blinked.

She continued.

Oh god, won’t someone shut it up?

“He told me so much about you. Like, you’re kind of abrasive or whatever. But Finneh said to try and ignore any mean stuff, you’re probably joking.”

Finneh?! What the fuck? Fucking FINNEH?

”But, you haven’t said anything mean, so I’ll have to tell Finnyehyou’ve been super nice to me. Or maybe he was just trying to scare me, IDK. You know how he is.”

I tilted my head, my neck popped in about seven different places as I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. I ignored every single little need or want to rip her head off, cause, well, I needed answers. “So, you caught me at a disadvantage here, see you seem to know me, all about me…somehow. Yet, I have no idea who you are.”

She smiled at me and turned her head, confused, like a puppy. ”I told you, I’m Emily!”

Oh my god it’s special. I chuckled and nodded slowly. “Yes dear, of course you are. But I meant, who are you to Finn?”

Her face lit up and she uttered four words. Four simple words that would cause something to break and  snap, and leave me devastated in more ways than one. She giggled and waved her hand like she was some vapid version of Malibu Barbie. ”OH! I’m his girlfriend.”

The last word echoed in my head for a moment. I couldn’t help but smile. Just stand there and smile. She turned, so flippant after delivering this information. Information that just ripped my heart out of my chest and smashed it, that destroyed every single moment of happiness that I had felt a few short moments ago. And everything just kind of…muted.

I nodded. I turned and I walked across the open floor plan to the windows across the living room and opened the sliding door slowly. My bare feet stepped first onto the cold, snow covered deck. I set my hand on the metal railing. My skin turned red wherever it made contact with the frigid air.

But I didn’t feel a damn thing.

New Challenges.

“What did I say?”

The English accent, the whispered tones, the dangling Internet title. It’s got to be Promo Time with Kayla Richards.

”I said Mercedes Vargas disappointed me and I was going to punish her for it. I said she shouldn’t get in the ring with me because I was going to end her. And you all let her get in there and fail again. What the hell is wrong with you people? SCW Management, the officials, the fans, the backstage interviewers – all of you are sick sadomasochists. It’s like everything I say just gets ignored. I told you all I was a new star, I got ignored and sat backstage after destroying “names”. So I promised I would be a champion, I promised I would be the Internet Champion and lo and behold. I won it.”

“I won it and then so soon after one great title defense, I lost it to a fluke and someone who never respected it, understood it or wanted it for anything more than a tick off an imaginary list. I promised I would take it back. And I did. I told you all Mercedes better bring who she was; if not. I would destroy her, and I did. At what point does this goddamn narrative you all have change from, “Kayla is an arrogant bitch”, to, “Kayla was right?” Huh? At what point do you all actually give me the fucking respect I deserve?”

“The thing is…it’s not just me. We had Kat Jones in this company and after she split we ended up with Eavan Maloney like that was a step up instead of a step sideways into lame territory and I’m left wondering, why the hell I even bothered to elevate this thing?”

“At least, that’s what I did feel until I looked up and noticed SCW finally sent me a challenger worth a damn. And trust me, I’m not knocking Bella, she’s a good kid. But I think you all know just as well as I do that being a baby maker full of Irish baby batter is much, much more her style than carrying a whole division on your back like I have. And I already told each and every one of you what Mercedes Vargas is worth.”

She scoffs, her hand grasped around the black leather strap of the SCW Internet Championship, a title she is more than proud to hold. One she NEEDS to hold, one she CRAVES to make better.

“But as I said, there seems to be light at the end of that very dark tunnel. And no, I don’t mean Ariana Angelos. The little Greek twit is someone who I already beat the snot out of and left in a sweaty heap of depression and broken dreams, I don’t really give two shits about her. I’m talking about the blonde ass kicker they decided to put in front of me first. Melissa. Or “Lady Goth”. That is the challenger I’m talking about. And, for some reason I don’t see more people getting excited about this and it legitimately confuses me. We have a woman who is a former Roulette Champion who clearly knows how to hurt people against the current reigning, defending Internet Champion, who technically has a loss to Melissa.”

“Yeah, technically being the keyword there against her, but it still counts in so many people's minds and hearts. See, Melissa, isn’t a joke, I know that, she can throw hands, she can beat the hell out of people, this is the kind of match that makes me wake up early in the morning, go for a run and chug raw eggs before eating my fuckin’ Wheaties.”

“See, I am not stupid enough to look past her. I might be arrogant, I might be self righteous and cocky. But Kayla Richards is not an idiot. And I am keenly aware that Melissa is coming for my head and will be so full of confidence after winning that Roulette title. Now, let me be perfectly clear since It will probably be brought up. No, I don't like the Roulette Division or the title, and my heart wasn’t in winning that, but I did put all my physical effort into winning it. I did everything I could to become the Roulette Champion and I lost, I failed and I own that.”

“So no, there was no excuse.”

She pauses and takes a deep breath before throwing the internet title belt over her shoulder, the leather of the strap hitting the leather of her black biker jacket. Her emerald eyes shining with extra color and fire.

”However, beating me down, making me submit, pinning me or knocking me out is a much tougher prospect than throwing me off some cables into a pool, Melissa. And, I’d like to think you’re not stupid enough to believe it would be, but so many times I have given opponents the benefit of the doubt and believed them to be of halfway human intelligence and so many, like SOOOO MANNNY times I have been let down like Nick Cannon's kids on their birthdays.”

“But, as I said, I am glad you have a shot at the Internet Title. I really am. See, I have been trying to legitimize this. I have been trying to make sure everyone stands up and takes notice of the Internet title. And since the end of July last year, that is what I have done. With one hiccup and a lot of me kicking ass, I have done just that.”

“And now, it’s your turn to step up, Melissa. It’s your turn to bring it and I actually want you to. I need that one big match where all those idiot fans see someone across from me who is dangerous enough to beat me. They didn’t get it and won’t get it with Ariana, they didn’t get it with Keira, or Bella. I begged and pleaded with Mercedes to do it. “

“And she failed.”

“You have carved this brutal reputation for yourself and broken free of the shadow you stood in. And while due to your relationship it's hard not to mention you and Goth together, well, you have shown that you are just as dangerous of a competitor as he is. Maybe even more. And when we get in the ring, if you come at me with everything you have, win or lose, at least I know I got the fight I was looking for. Just don’t suck. I’ve had enough of people letting me down and making me waste my precious time. In and out of the ring.”

She shrugs and looks down at the title again before continuing.

“I want to continue the run I’ve been on, I need it. And you, rightfully, want to end it. And while everyone else has had a chance, a small chance, you actually have this shining moment in the sun where you could get it done. Shit, I even admitted to it, in public, on social media, you are the biggest threat I have faced. I know that. Thing is, that makes me more dangerous than you can possibly realise. I know you could end everything I have built and have a better shot than most.”

“So, let me tell you a secret. I am willing to do anything and everything to stop that. And trust me, when I say this, as vicious as I have been – you ain’t seen nothing yet. I would step over my own Grandmother’s grave to be a champion, I would sell my first born, Melissa….so tell me…how far are you willing to go?”

10. Guiding Lie/Light
Lost in the Echo

I failed him.

The Dark Angel I had pledged myself to. It’s strange when you think you can feel nothing but then you’re hit with that realisation of regret. That pain of loss. I felt like I loved him, that I was also devoted to her. And even though I knew her secret. The evil within that she had betrayed him, she was getting ready to destroy everything he was. I couldn't bring myself to betray her trust even if it meant my Dark Angel was going to fail. He was going to be dragged kicking and screaming off his golden throne and thrown into the muck and mire of the common world.

I was torn.

I was conflicted.

I was human.

She was a piece of work, that one. I had no real loyalty to her yet she had me convinced she was the true power and that she loved me and cared for me. Part of me wanted to expose her, to tell him about her deception but in the end it worked against me. I was the one put in an impossible position. I was told to destroy my sister. To go out to the ring and break her down inch by inch….

Don’t come back without her head on a pike and her heart on a platter.

His exact words.

In the end, Amber beat me. I was young, arrogant and foolhardy in thinking I could charge at her in an animalistic rage and take her down. She was stronger, faster and much more experienced. Before I knew it, I was face down and my ankle was screaming in pain. My hand pounded the mat and it was over. Failure. But they say every dark tunnel has light at the end of it if you walk far enough. Even for me it was right, but unfortunately…

My light was a bigger lie than what I had been put through before….

6 Years Ago
Las Vegas Nevada.
Test my Will, Test my Heart

“Get out of my sight….whore.” His hand was wrapped around the leather collar, his knuckles pressed against my throat causing me to gag and sputter. He pulled forward and up almost lifting me off the ground. He looked in my eyes and saw the fear, the love, the desperation. I looked back in his eyes and saw disgust. With a small flick of his shoulders, I was thrown backwards through the door into the hallway. He stepped out and looked down at me with a hiss in his voice. His followers – my family – stood on with the same looks of disgust in their eyes.

“Worthless. Don’t come back.” He slammed the door in my face and I stayed there, on the cold floor as people walked by. I couldn’t even hear their voices, see their faces. All I could see was that door. Closed and unmoving. I wanted to reach out and open it, I wanted to crawl back. I wanted to be owned by them all again. The sense of family was gone and I was alone again. But this time it was worse.

Not only did I no longer have family and love, I had lost purpose. My reason for existence. My whole body felt that numbness again. The feeling I had fought so hard to drop, to lose, to overcome. And then I heard her voice. It was the only thing that could cut through the pain. I looked up and the light above crowned her head like a golden halo as it mixed with her beautiful blonde hair.

Her soft pink lips, the deep blue eyes. 

She was an angel standing above looking down at me. But unlike the others that stared with eyes filled with pity and disgust, this was a look of concern and wonder. She found me intriguing. Her voice was soft, her eyes matched and she pulled me up to my feet. Her hand touched the leather collar and her sigh seemed to have an anger behind it as if she had known what it was to be property. I let her take it off, I let her drop it to the floor and she walked away with me. She was the light….but her lies were greater than the rest...more painful….

And my lessons were not done…..

The light came into my life. A pale skinned golden haired angel with a cute smile and an adorable laugh. Her accent a mishmash of where she had been and what she’d been able to pick up. I’m not even sure why she and I got together. I should have hated her. I should have despised her very existence and presence.

She was after all..related to the vile thing that pulled me into heel and ruined me.

I admit some of it was lust. I had no idea what I was. Straight, Gay, Bisexual, A-sexual. Those words held little meaning to me. All I know is when I saw her, when she took care of me I wanted her. Every single part of me ached for her. Begged for it and needed it. This was also a mistake. A huge one.

I thought I’d be able to be happy again.

I thought I’d be able to forget my past and let it go.

But this relationship, however life affirming, was going to do even more damage than the one with the Dark Angel and his followers. While I would never be physically abused by her, my emotional state would break and crack. I’d let her in my walls and she would break everything inside them. Piece by piece. Brick by brick, she got inside my head and she brought it all down and burned it. And then played in the ashes.

I let it happen.

I could have stopped anytime, I could have pushed her away. I could have said no. I could have retreated back into my own personal hell. But the golden haired girl drew me in. And that mistake was one I regret….

5 Years Ago
New York, New York

Her lips touched mine in the softest of ways, her hands drifted up and down my arms, her fingertips feeling like they were delivering a hundred electric shocks. It caused goosebumps all over. Her hand moved through my hair down my back drawing me close. We both laughed and giggled, we both smiled and gave each other soft looks of affection and what we thought was love.

Her bright blue eyes stared into my emerald green ones. We were almost opposites. Her long blonde hair in contrast to my jet black waves. Her pure pale skin seemed so different to my tattooed olive complexion. We would walk around hand in hand and people would look and stare. From confused looks of older generations, to the perverted smirks of random men to the smiles of happiness from others who understood love they all had their different gazes.

She and I were happy together. For a time.

I would sit at the kitchen table as she made dinner. I watched while she would hum a random song and do the most mundane things like cut up vegetables or made a smoothie. We enjoyed ourselves at home, just us. Until it was time to go to work. And what a time it was. With her by my side I was unstoppable. I won a championship that no one could take off me, I was simply the best of the best at that time.

She showed me love, she showed me compassion. She showed me how to be the best as she stood by my side. But after a while the same old doubts, the same pressures overcame us both. And then as we watched each other drift away we both knew the mistakes we made would form us into things we didn’t want to be. 

But she was the harshest lesson, she also would prove to destroy a man who took my heart and could have been the real love of my life….

Present Day

I was furious. Not the usual angry or frustrated. Flat out, blood boiling, vein popping furious. I sat at the kitchen table, a beautiful glass piece, rectangular with golden stands on each end and a center pole to take the pressure off. Gorgeous ivory chairs with gold inlets, subtle, tasteful, a hint of class. But a table that Finn hadn’t even noticed I bought for OUR house. The last few weeks had been a problem. Coming to terms with feelings, thoughts and trying to make up with Finn.

But even through it all I still had this nagging feeling that he didn’t trust me. That there was a mental block holding him back from just accepting we were more than friends. He wasn’t ignoring me, but also diverted his attention when I wanted it, as if holding it back deliberately to drive me insane. I was accused of playing games months ago, but now, what was he doing?

Everything I had gone through, everything I was forced to endure, all the indignant insults and moments where I had to endure humiliation. And that was just living in my own home with the constant visitors and others coming in.

Finn and Kayla’s Home for Wayward Fuck Ups.

There was the idiot Australian, his younger brothers hetro– ha, “hetro”-- life partner and his pregnant girlfriend. There was the aforementioned younger brother who didn’t actually live there, but might well have, and of course the stupid looking Brit with the puffy blonde hair who also wrestled for SCW. Milchael, Milky, Milhouse, Milsop, Milo…whatever his name was. And I had to put up with them. All of them. To say I was furious, well. Maybe it was a gross understatement.

”Legit, why does your face look like that?” Speak of the devil. The short, wavy-haired, weasel-faced devil, Dimitri “Dickie” Watson. Finn’s younger brother, a capable wrestler in his own right and someone who, while annoying, was a lot smarter than most gave him credit for. Not that I’d ever tell the little shit. He was, however, someone who had always been nice to my younger sister, a friend, and for that I had given him a pass and not destroyed him…

Yet.

I cleared my throat, I flared my nostrils and folded my arms over my chest. ”What the hell are you talking about?”

Dickie scoffed and rolled his eyes. ”Your face. It looks like you just sucked on about thirty-”

”CAREFUL…”

”Lemons, I was gonna say lemons.” He chuckled. He had a boyish grin that made me want to punch him, in the face, with a brick. He moved around the table, looking at it with a turned up nose. He was judging it. Judging MY taste. How dare he– I narrowed my eyes at him, tilted my head and took a sharp inhale as my nails tapped against the glass. ”Seriously. What is it with you two? You and my brother are playing this weird game of cat and mouse.”

I shook my head, sitting back in the chair but keeping my shoulder back and chest out., clearing my throat. “I have no idea what you’re going on about. And what is or isn’t happening between myself and your brother is none of your business.” I ground my teeth together, my eyes staring a burning hole right through the little shithead.

He looked unamused and even more infuriating, unintimidated. ”None of my business? This is my brother’s house that you have slithered your way into, and whenever I come over here you two are staring at each other in a way that can only be described as horngry…” I stayed silent, staring ahead. Dickie raised an eyebrow. ”See, it’s a combination of horny and an-”

”I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.” I rolled my eyes and pushed off the chair, standing up and moving around before throwing my hands in the air. ”What the hell do you want me to say, Dickie?” I was fed up with everything. ”I don’t know where he and I stand and that is the most anger inducing thing I have in my life. I have no idea what to say to him sometimes and when he makes me laugh I suddenly can’t fucking breathe or talk, and he keeps turning me down. Do you realize how humiliating that is?...You don’t get it.”

I turned to walk away, Dickie scoffed, the sound causing me to turn and stare at him with disgust again. But there was something in his eyes, a look of stark realization ”Holy shit….you really do like him….i’ll be damned, you two deserve each other.” I had no idea what to say, Dickie’s attitude, his way of seeing right through me in a moment of vulnerability, I had to get out, to walk away. I shook my head and backed away before turning on my heels and leaving the room.

The Next Step.

”This is hard. It really is. An immediate rematch. No build up, no moments to breathe. Just one match against one another. It has led me to question, why am I here? Why am I putting myself through this and why did I agree to it? I mean, think about it. The pressure I felt going into the match, the crushing nature of the loss and the fact it exposed me as…argh…human.”

She sneered, her emerald eyes staring up as the annoyance of having to see her own failures and vulnerabilities makes her body tighten, her jaw clenches.

”This business is built on a foundation of momentum. What can you build and how you can keep it going. One win turns into two, two to three and before you know it, you can get on a run that takes you to heights you never thought possible. And how you get there is honestly up to you. Up to your own devices on where you go and what you do. To some, everything has to be by the book. You have to win through “honor” and “decency”. By staying to a strict ruleset and if you deviate from that, then you haven’t earned it. But me? Well, in my mind the ends justify the means.”

“No matter how I get my hand raised, I get my hand raised. To me, it just doesn’t matter how or why. I will take every advantage, every single chance. I will bend rules some days and other days I will break them. I will try to break a bone, stretch a joint or just straight up kick your goddamn head in and cave in your skull. And I am honest about it.”

“And what’s so bad about that, huh?”

“Others in this business will smile to your face. They will be kind to you, pepper you with false narratives and sweet words. They lie to you– a barefaced lie – right to your face. It’s sad, it’s pathetic and the fact that so many of you can be that naive, to let it happen, is amusing as it is sad. But me? I will tell you the truth. Right to your face I will admit what I will do, could do and might do. And tell me, why is that so bad?”

“Why is it so bad that I tell you what I will do instead of hiding it? Why is it so bad that I am who I am and don’t give a shit?”

Kayla pauses, her arms folding over her chest as she waits for an answer that will never come.

”So then I ask the bigger question, why am I the villain? Because I will do whatever I have to do to be successful? Because I will take advantage? Come on now, you can’t be that ridiculous. And since I stepped foot in SCW, I have done nothing but be a professional, I have done my job. I have walked out there and brought people in the doors, I have made sure they spend their hard earned money and either it’s because they want to see me beat the living hell out of the pampered weaklings we all see in this company or they want to see one of their heroes put me down for the three and triumph over my particularly unique brand of “evil”...”

“But tell me, what is a hero?”

“Is a hero someone who puts other people before them? To me, that's what a hero is, and I would never, ever call myself that. I would never look at anyone and accept that. I’m not a hero and I don’t pretend to be. But that is where we are at when it comes to Keira Fisher-Johnson.”

“She labels herself a hero.”

“And why? Why do we all just sit back and take that? A hero puts everyone above themselves. And truth be told I don’t care about you, Keira. Not as a person anyway. I don’t care about your history, I don’t care about your wife, I don’t care about your mental disorder or your narratives you keep pushing or the fact you pretend to be something you’re not. That’s on you, and when your time on earth is done, you have to reconcile that with yourself. You have to look at yourself in the mirror and live with that fact.”

Her voice is gravelly, she growls more and pushes her lips together as she takes a deep breath.

”I don’t care about you I don’t even care if you beat me. Losses happen and I even said that it wasn’t that you couldn’t beat me. It’s that I had to stop you from beating me. And I failed at that. I did. I failed. You walked out with that title and that is what I care about. Because a hero would put the company and the title above themselves. A hero would make the title mean something like I wanted to. I wanted to make the Internet Championship matter and all I got from you was excuses. You making up reasons to hate me, making up reasons that I was a “bad champion”...stupid reasons.”

“But, let me ask you something, Keira. It’s a question I know the answer to, it’s a question we all know the answer to. Why did you want that title?”

“Why did you want the Internet Championship in this company? Did you want to make it mean something? Did you want to elevate it to a level higher than “shiny trinket” or “bargaining chip”? Cause I did. I wanted to make it a title people wanted to hold, a title that fans would want to see defended instead of what it became largely because of people like you and your wife.”

“But again..why did you want it?”

She chuckles to herself and moves around putting her arms out in a shrug as her white leather jacket dangles off her shoulders and arms. Her black tight jeans with slits moving with each step as the question hangs in the air.

”To become a Grand Slam Champion right? You relegated it to a trinket, again. That was your sole reason. One that you plastered up all over the place. It was your dream. A dream to take a title that had fallen off of a champion that wanted to make it matter all so you could add it to your list of titles. And hey, part of me wanted that too. Part of me wanted to add the title’s name to my list of accolades from other companies. But my plan went ahead of that, it went past such mediocre dreams and wants and needs. You wanted the Internet Title because you could hold the Grand Slam tag over us like it meant something.”

“I wanted the title itself to mean something.”

“That is the difference right? You dared to sit there before our first match and tell me that my attitude was wrong, that I was selfish because I wanted to keep that title to myself and I disrespected the Roulette Title. Yet you disrespect every single title you have held, every champion you beat and every single company you have ever signed a contract for by leaving championships in a worse way than you found them.”

“You didn’t want to make the Internet Title, you wanted the Internet Title to make you.”

“Now, I may be a horrible person. A cheater, a bitch, a total raging cunt who will do my best to break and beat anyone in front of me. Someone who will cave in a skull and not think twice about it. Someone who will sell out my own family for success. But one thing, Keira, I am not is a liar. And that is something you can never say.”

“You lie to yourself.”

“You lie to yourself everyday when you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror and give a self affirming speech. You lie to all of us with your retirement talk. Hell, you were going to leave right up until you noticed the only people who were going to care were Roxi and the one fan who masturbates to pictures of you two together. So, you started talking about unfinished business, about the “Grand Slam” that elusive internet title. And to your credit, you realized that dream.”

“But what is the next step for you? Cause don’t think I didn’t notice you looking past me to someone else. Don’t think I didn’t notice you thinking about other challengers. I posed a lot of questions to you, Keira. But I have one last question: If I beat you, will you keep your promise and walk away into the sunset having realized your dream? Or will you lie to us again, and stay for one more match all because your star has faded and you are no longer the center of attention?....I guess we will see…”

6. Savior
Feel

I was almost saved you know?. A few years ago. I was almost pulled out of it all. See while having no emotions and being able to just turn off can be useful, it can also feel like your own personal hell. Your relationships crumble, you never feel like you’re enough or that it’s even fair. Part of you doesn’t care but there is always that little spark that wants to do what is right for others. That wants to be a good person.

If you can’t be the person your family and friends deserve then shouldn’t you just walk away and disappear?. If all they do is worry and it impacts their lives then shouldn’t you do them a favor and just go?. There came a time when I thought that was for the best. My sister was gone, my brother was gone and my father was dead. It was my mother, and me. And all I did was make her worry. Tasmin was a teenager and in boarding school in London, she had her own life to worry about and my mother now free of my father’s abuse and bullshit now had a new reason to stay up all night worrying….

Me.

I was out on the town, I was doing whatever, and whoever I wanted. I would come home at 4am smelling of cheap alcohol, a pocketful of money and often some weed or a pill or two. I had no life or direction. I was spiralling and she had no idea how to fix it. Thing is she couldn’t fix it. No one could. Only I could pull that plane out of its nosedive but I didn’t want to.

So one night I left my mother’s home. I left her alone to live her life and no longer worry about me. I left her a note, I packed my bags and went to London. There I could keep half an eye on my baby sister and look for my older brother while being able to continue the lovely self destructive lifestyle that had become my trademark. But Brett was still in my life. No matter how wrong I treated him, no matter how many times I laughed off his romantic work or his sweet words he was there.

If I drank to much he’d hold back my hair. If I felt sick he’d check on me. If I got in a fight he’d get my drunk ass out of the pub. This is what Brett did and it slowly built up. I felt like I was drowning, that the world was water and it was slowly coming over my eyes and body. It was filling my nose and mouth and I couldn’t breathe and as I sank the entire world was going black. I felt it fill my lungs and every single day was like I was choking and gasping just to survive. But then through the darkness he grabbed my hand and pulled me back from the brink.

And this is where you see my true colours. Cause even a savior couldn’t find a place in my heart…

London England
9 Years Ago
Take my hand….

My fingers slowly moved along the plastic cylinder. The liquid inside was almost clear with only a slight yellow tinge. I looked around my bathroom with a sigh. My body was already out of it due to the shots of whisky and the weed. But I needed more. For the first time the alcohol and weed weren’t enough to stop it. They weren’t enough to finish keeping me numb. I needed something else. Something harder….

A guy at the pub said he knew what I needed. He promised to hook me up and the first taste was free. I brought it home, I put the powder on a spoon and heated it up. I marveled as it slowly dissolved into a liquid and I soaked it up through the cotton. And now it sat in front of me, all in this little plastic syringe. And here I was sitting on the floor in my underwear. My hair was a mess, my makeup smeared from crying. But even in this sad, desperate state I had my doubts. The trepidation was always there….

But then it hit, the headache. All I wanted was for the pain to stop for the headaches to go away. It was like pressure, build up in my skull. I wanted to take a drill to my head and let all that pressure out. I wanted it to just go away. Normally my own indifference and the mixture of herb and alcohol did it but not this time. Not anymore. It had been so long since I cried. So long since I let it out that the tears burned my eyes and cheeks. 

It felt like Lava….

I needed to do it. I needed anything to stop it. Before I knew it I had the rubber around my arm. I felt the sting of the needle piercing my skin. But this wasn’t like a tattoo sting. This was something else. Something different. I pushed the end, the liquid started to disappear as a small amount of blood flowed back into the needle. But then I could feel it. I felt it work it’s way through my body and as it did I felt the humanity get pushed back. I felt the person I was disappear and for a moment I knew the true freedom and ecstasy of death…

I felt the hands on my chest, I felt his mouth on mine. I heard the anguish in his voice and my eyes opened. There he was. Brett. His long hair flowing down as he panicked. All the peace I felt was gone and now the pain of life flowed through. I could breathe again, I could see the reality and now. Because of him I could feel. And at that moment when I turned and looked into his eyes, the life saving eyes full of love, all I felt was anger. He smiled and breathed out hard as a few tears fell. Brett put his arms around me and sighed but as he pulled away I was only able to manage three little words towards him.

“I hate you….”

Present Day
The Home of Tasmin Richards and Adam Sanders

”That arrogant…fucking….annoying…self righteous….ignorant…blind….MAN”

I paced back and forth, my feet tapping on Tasmins kitchen floor. The black and white checkered floor, something that she found to be funny and quirky, just made me roll my eyes. But I needed something, anything to focus on. Anything that wasn’t my anger. My frustration. My…nevermind. Tasmin looked up at me, sitting on a small chair next to the large round table in the center of the kitchen. Her daughter Dawn cooing in her arms. It was strange…seeing the small child actually helped calm me.

I normally hate children and babies in perticular. But my sisters kids, Ambers and Tasmins, well, I felt a need to care and protect them. It was strange. ”I love it when you come to visit Kay…really…” Her voice oozed with sarcasm, I couldn’t help but laugh, I always found it amusing when Tasmin would show that side of herself. The side that was more like me than she would ever care to admit. ”Seriously Kay, I don’t get why you’re still living there, I get you and Finn are friends but I think you need some space and you don’t need to live there anymore…”

She was right, I didn’t need to. I had enough money to find my own place following what I had done in that cesspool Project Honor, in the first season of PWE and my new home of SCW. Being able to sign a more than livable contract. But that wasn’t the point, that wasn’t why I was there and I think deep down Tasmin knows that. But, she doesn’t know exactly why….”He just….he knows how to get under my skin, he knows how to make me angry and make me want to do irrational things like walk out of the apartment in a huff and travel all the way here to see you…”

”I have never seen anyone get in your head like he does, I don’t get it…” Tasmin blinked a few times, I could see the cogs turning in her head as she started to think about it. Looking me up and down. I needed to change the subject and fast, luckily her son to be  husband Adam walked into the kitchen. Thank you for the gift, you wonderful man child.

”Oh Hi Kayla how are yo-”

”I’m fine but is there a reason why you haven’t married my sister yet after choosing to infect her with your biological 18 year commitment.”

”KAYLA!”

I just shrugged, it was a valid question. They had been engaged for a long time, Tasmin got pregnant and now here they were over a month after and still not married. Adam backed away and gave me a nod as Tasmin stood up handing him Dawn, Adam smiled, he was so happy holding her. For a moment and caught myself wanting to smile to, I turned, Adam moved from the room and Tasmin stepped close to me folding her arms over her chest. ”Are you done being in a bad mood? Are you going to go back home?”

I sneered and shook my head. ”Maybe…if he’s stopped being a complete asshole…”

Tasmin narrowed her eyes and looked me up and down, she then stepped back and laughed throwing her hands in the air. ”Oh I see it now…oh this is great…” I tilted my head, my body language changing as Tasmin kept laughing. ”I get it now. This isn’t just about sex with him….you like him.”

”I don’t know what you are talking about…this is just about his di-”

”Ututututut bullshit. This isn’t just about that. You like him, you enjoy spending time with him…..you want to be with him…”

”Nope….” Tasmin stepped forward to talk again. ”Do not!....look, I don’t know what fantasy you have in your head about me and Finn, but this is just about me wanting to be friends with benefits with him to get rid of some steam and for whatever reason he just won’t give it up….so yeah…I’m a little flustered..”

Tasmin nodded slowly, but then something else hit her, something that made the evidence seem irrefutable. ”Wait….if you’re flustered and just want sex…you’d just find someone else…but you haven’t..so that means…”

”No…”

”You’re…being faithful to him without even being with him…awww that’s so cute.”

I swallowed hard, my arms folding over my chest as Tasmin bounced up and down clapping her hands. ”I’m nit..dealing with…whatever this is…I’m going home…”

Queen of the internet

”I get it, you are all probably think I’m going to be annoyed or angry about my…ahem “loss” at the supercard…”

The british bitch Kayla Richards, the black haired heavily tattooed green eyed annoyance that had been inflicting herself on SCW for the last few months took a deep breath, staring forward with an arrogant smirk coming across her face.

”Now, don’t get me wrong, I hate to lose. HATE IT. I am in this business to be the best and you don’t do that by losing. Unless you ask people like Bea Barnhart who can go 7-300 and still have the unbridled ignorance to call herself “the best”. But in this case, I can hold my head high. For a few reasons. One, I still haven’t been pinned, I haven’t submitted, this loss was in a match that was a purely stupid gimmick. And then I realised, that was probably for the best. See the roulette championship, the entire division, it’s not for me. I’m just as likely to be put in a chocolate pudding match than a submission match, or a lingerie pillow fight than a last woman standing match. And truthfully, that kind of world is not something I’m about. So…”

“I’m glad I’m not the roulette champion and Melissa can keep that trashcan of a fucking championship. I’ll be over here competing for championships that aren’t built on the idea that comedy bullshit is just as important as the art of violence that we should all be experts at.”

“And if any of you have a problem with what I just said..well..”

“I don’t really care…sorry..”

“The supercard was an interesting night, mjy first step into the bigger SCW world, the bigger scope of event that this company can put on. And it was eye opening. The amount of fans that came through and saw the show, the buy rates, the fact it happened on a huge cruise ship. I, dare I say, enjoyed myself. And now as I leave for India I have to try and get myself excited again, see I wasn’t really fussed about going on the cruise ship but had my eyes opened, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be….but India?”

“I’m not excited about going to a third world country that is so crowded they have to ride on the outside of fucking trains…also…I’m English, do you have any idea the pure hatred that simply having this accent in that country is going to get me? No I didn’t think so…”

She folds her arms over her chest and snarls, her bag sitting next to her as we realise she’s “Home” in Finn Whelans apartment. Because they live together, in a totally non couple way. I know weird right?

”But, this trip won’t be all bad, I already hve another opportunity dropped in my lap that shows me the SCW management team not only knows what they have in me but they are also not going to make the same mistakes as in the past and not book me. And why wouldn’t you book me? In this business it’s about getting a reaction, whether that makes the mindless drones “pop” or whether you get them to hate you, if you make them feel emotion, you make money, you get opportunities. And if you can win on top of that? Well, you’re unstoppable. So, first night that I will be competing in that country I get an opportunity to earn a shot at the Internet championship…”

“A battle royal, six of us compete with the winner to go on and get the shot. How quaint, how…unoriginal. But it is what it is. You need to figure out the list of succession and who gets what. So, I suppose it’s better than nothing. Although the company is really scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to this. I mean, jesus Tempest?”

“She has size, and that’s it.”

“What have nyou done lately huh? You teamed up with Austin James Mercer, a former Internet champion and world champion, he’s shown himself to be a success but you? What have you done Tempest? What have you done to earn your way in this match? Cause lately? Lately you haven’t done a damn thing yet here you are. And I get the feeling this whole thing is geared towards trying to make you a star. A match where you can throw us all around and look like a beacon of domination and strength right?”

Kayla can’t help but chuckle and shake her head.

”I’m not going to be used like that. You might be big, strong and determined to prove you belong here, but that honestly means nothing when you can’t win the “big one” and the only time you have ever been able to win anything of note is teaming with a guy who actually has talent. And even he got sick of dragging your dead weight around. So now here you are, ready to try and win this and finally break through that glass ceiling you keep bumping your giant head on…”

“Too bad Tempest, you aren’t getting through me, but I will admit, you’re atleast a step above others in this match…and you’re not even the only ones here who can be accused of riding on coattails…”

“Hello Seleana, I’m talking to you…”

“The wife of my old friend Crystal Hilton. Wow, you know Sel I don’t think we ever really got introduced, and I find that funny considering I know your wife so well, in fact I know her better than you do. I know her so well that I know if I was so inclined I would never be in a relationship with someone like Crystal because I know what kind of person she is. She’s an arrogant bitch, one who is only ever out for herself who will step over anyone and everyone to get what she wants when she wants it. In fact it’s some of her most redeemable qualities. Ones that you don’t have…”

“See Sel, you’re what we call..the bitch of the relationship. See Crystal is a bitch no question, but you are THE bitch in your little couple dynamic.”

“And you think beating Crystal at the supercard somehow negates everything else she has done to you and this is some kind of massive redemption story for you? You haven’t really stood up for yourself Sel. Crystal has been stepping all over you for years, costing you opportunities, taking them from you, backstabbing you, shit even your small world title reign was because of her and she lets everyone know it. Time and time again she has held you down and now, becauser you beat her in ONE MATCH you think you can move on? You’re still tied to her, you’re stil stuck with her. And because of that you will always be viewed as a joke.”

“You need to take care of that first and finish your buullshit with her before you try and step up to this Sel…there’s some free advice.”

Kayla shrugs and moves around the room, moving her bag to the side as she seems to impatiently be waiting.

”But, it seems as if I’m up to the “dead weight” part of the match, the real dead weight, the woman who has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. See, Tempest has size and an intimidating look, Seleana has actually had success that she earned, the other two? Well I’ll get to them but Bea Barnhart? I already mentioned you once Bea, you should feel honored I have lowered myself to mentioning you this much and talking about you, it’d the most relevant she’s ever been. And I say that with full knowledge she was able to be a mixed tag champion with her idiot husband. But tell me Bea, what nuggets of wisdom will you drop on us today? What offensivelty stupid thing are you going to put into the universe before our match hmmm?”

“What outlandish promises about winning are you going to throw out there that you have very little chance of keeping or even getting close to? See, Bea, I have nbo problem with confidence and arrogance, ever. You should be confident, you should believe you can win and are the best to lace up a pair of boots, what I have a problem with is that you’re so damn boring about it.”

“You’re nothing but a side voice for your husband, nothing but something to stand by his side and repeat his dumb bullshit.”

“In this world where women are gaining more power, and trust me, I’m not one of these “future is female” drones, but in a world where we all have a right to stand up and have our own voices, your voice is just an alternate world version of your fat fuck delusional husband Bea…girl power indeed.”

She rolls her eyes, clearly annoyed with having to mention Bea at all….

”Oh Ariana. It’s so good to see you again. I mean after I already slapped you around. One on one you copuldn’t come close to me, I guess you think you have more of a chance in this battle royal huh? I’ll admit, you do have more of a chance than Bea, but that doesn’t really mean much. It must sting you the only way you were able to get any kind of attention was to go off to SCU and get a title before that place closed it’s doors. Congratulations by the way…”

“It’s always inspiring to see someone get a championship by getting dragged there…”

“It’s just a shame that SCU is shutting down, it seems like a company where you could have actually done something and become a champion many times over.”

“I mean any place where Amy Santino is still relevent is just an easy button…”

“But this match Ariana, it’s for a chance at a title that is being held by someone who would end you one on one. I mean there’s no shame in it, Roxi is a rare breed, a woman in wrestling that even I have toi respect and applaud. But you wouldn’t have a chance against her Ariana. You can’t beat Roxi and you wouldn’t have beaten Masque. So I need to do you a favor, you as a young wrestler are trying everything you can to build your brand. I’m going to save you, save you from making a mistake, save you from fluking your way through this Battle royal and being embarrassed by Roxi Johnson.”

“You’re welcome”

Kayla turns and sits down, crossing her legs one over the other and letting out an exasperated sigh.

”And speaking of saving people. I want to save the fans from having to see Roxi versus Keira match number 700. I mean really, does anyone want to see that? Anyone? Ever? Cause I sure as shit don’t. We don’t need to see the struggle between you to keep going Keira. Especially since we already know who’s won, and it sure as shit ain’t you. Roxi has has world title matches and runs that matter, she has been the best in this company for a long time along with Amber Ryan. Those two put on matches that made me remember why I love wrestling. And we don’t need you to somehow get another title shot and another match against your wife.”

“And we don’t need her gifting the title to you since she had bigger things to worry about. Namely the SCW bom bshells title.”

“You know, that title you’ve been able to hold but then make it look worse?”

“That one?”

“Yeah we all remember Keira. We all remember that you’re a former world champion, we all remember that you have gone to war with the best of them and we all remember your feud with Roxi and we all remember you have an alter ego named Synn and…oh god I needa double shot latte before I fucking fall asleep. We’ve seen it Keira. It’s like a bad re-run of the simpsons. We’ve all seen them and just because it might be new to someone who has never paid attention before or someone who is new to wrestling doesn’t mean we need to see it again. What this company needs is a new look…a new star..a new name to have up on the marquee…”

“With all these fairweather nobodies leaving we don’t need a retread here, and thats what we would get with you. So, it’s time for me to step up, to earn a shot at the internet title and bring it home…to make it matter….to be the best…”

2.Naive
The one who laughs last….

When i last left you people I had revealed the first time I knew something was wrong. The first vivid memory I had of a realization that my father was not a good man. I was 5 turning 6. I was just a child and while I had other memories before that they were happy ones. Looked through the eyes of a child who had not yet lost her innocence. Rose tinted glasses as it were. At that age you can’t fully comprehend the things in front of you. And as I continue my story I want to make one thing perfectly clear to every single one of you.

I am not looking for pity.

I am not looking to have my sins absolved because of the trials I have been through and the atrocities I was forced to endure. See I am not a product of my past. I am not a fragile little snowflake that was hurt and melted down till there was nothing left. No I am not a fucking victim. So if that is what you’re looking for, if you think this is a sob story told by someone who deep down just wants to be loved and accepted you can stop following me right now, turn your ass around and fuck right off.

As I continue this it’s to just give a glimpse of who I am. It’s too show why I am so strong and why I’m too be feared. I’m not like everyone else.Hell I explained it once before. You look at what my sister was. She felt very little. She was an unfeeling destroyer who was simple in her own creation, who was a beautiful artist. I called her the savant of violence. Me?. I absolutely feel everything. I feel sadness, happiness, pain, sorrow, guilt. I know the difference between right and wrong.

I just don’t give a shit….

My sister grew up to hate her past, to blame every single little thing on our father. She blamed the abuse on him and blamed everything that came after. Even today as she sits happy and pregnant with her new husband Amber has said many times she’s lucky to have broken what she calls “the cycle”. Remember when I told you she walked a different forked path from me?. That is what I meant. She walked a righteous path where all her mistakes weren’t her own. She never took possession of them. 

You see while Amber had the talent and ability to be a brutal badass bitch she never had the drive or lack of morality. She could break someone’s skull open but she never enjoyed it. That is where she and I differ. That is why I’m perfect for Finn Whelan. . I don’t blame anyone for my mistakes. I blame myself. I own them, I admit to them. I admit to a lack of understanding when I was younger….before I knew what he did...and I remember the day I first misunderstood and made the worst mistake…

“This is a battleground
I'm caught in the crossfire
My words are weaponry
And I'm waiting patiently
You win the battle now
But I will return the fire
Cause I'd crawl on broken glass
To be the one who laughs last”

Norwich England
19 Years Ago

Mother wasn’t home. She had gone out with Jackson and taken Tasmin with her. Amber and I were left in the house alone with him. I sat on the floor of our bedroom playing as Amber now 9 years old paced back and forth across the rug. I rolled my eyes and made noises as I played. Amber looked down at me catching my annoyance but she didn’t seem to care. I had no idea why she was so nervous. The events from that cold winter's night last year had all but faded from my memory. Part of me believed it was a bad dream and that it never really happened.

Ambers actions made me re-think it and I didn’t like that. I just wanted to forget it all. I wanted to forget our father in our room touching her, her hands gripping the sheets, our mother arguing with him, Jackson being hit, our mother being hit. Amber forcing me back into bed when I had a bad feeling that something was going on. All that stayed in my head because she wouldn’t let me forget. I just wanted her to sit down….

She paced again and looked towards the door swallowing hard as she heard his footsteps. A door closed, a few minutes later we heard the sound of the toilet flush, the tap turn on and his footsteps disappear back down the hall. I didn’t care I was in my own little world but Amber?. She seemed relieved. She finally sat down next to me indian style, crossing her legs over as she stayed with one eye on the door and the other on our game. We played happily. The clock ticking down as Amber kept looking towards it.

We laughed, we had fun and then it happened. The footsteps came towards the door. Amber turned her head, the doll in her hand shaking along as her body did. The door opened and our father stood there, his arms crossed over his chest. His deep brown eyes darting back and forth between Amber and myself. He hummed and put his finger to his lips before stepping forward, his hand reached out and came to rest on my head. He lightly stroked my hair and I smiled. Amber turned pale as her eyes darted back and forth between us. Our father whispered in my ear lightly.

He was going out, he said.He would be home later. Wanted us to behave, be good, be respectful.. I was naive, he never paid much attention to me. It was always Amber. Always perfect little Amber. 

She knew what it meant when he was going out. The mood in the house changed. Amber wouldn’t play with me anymore. We had to stay in our rooms, pretend we were asleep. I questioned it, wondered why Amber was so angry and sad with our father leaving. Why he would be different when he came back? I didn’t understand. I didn’t know why he was so loud, why Amber would sit up in her bed, hug her legs and cry. Our mother came home, smiled at our father as he moved passed her. The second the door closed, the second he was gone, she swallowed hard and looked defeated and fearful.

I look back now and wonder how and why I was so naive and how I couldn’t have seen what he did back then. The reason why Jackson ran away, why Amber was so protective and frightened.

The truth is harsh, the truth is painful…

But it is my truth.

Going to the Greek.

”Yes I am still employed.”

Was that sarcasm? It sounded like sarcasm. Kayla Richards, arms folded over her chest, a sneer on her face as her lip turns upwards. She seems angry, what else is new?

”I know. A shiver just went up the spine of so many of you didn’t it? See, I called my shot, I beat the hell out of Bea Barnhart, and I was up and ready to go, ready to take over SCW and the bombshells division. Then. Nothing. I didn’t get booked, no phone calls, no contracts. Nothing. I got signed and was treated like a shiny new toy for one week and then promptly forgotten. Me, Kayla fucking Richards. Treated like a nobody…”

“Do any of you understand how angry that made me? How furious I was? And then to sit there and watch Bea and her moronic husband scheme, plot and bullshit their way through a possinle title opportunity at Finn, I couldn’t just sit back anymore. And I get it, I’m not the most popular person in any lockeroom, most people hate me. Most people want me gone. But Finn isn’t one of them, and I wasn’t going to let Bill and his wife steal the Roulette title from him. So yeah I stepped in, yeah I got in the ring and blasted Bea with a knee to the face. And while I can sit here and say I did it just for Finn…well..”

“That is a little white lie.”

“I do care about Finn Whelan, and I do HATE Bill and Bea Barnhart. But, part of the reason I got involved was to remind everyone, the lockeroom, the fans, the office…EVERYONE that I was still here. That Kayla goddamn Richards is still a part of this company. And where does that leave you all hmm? Well I am still starting from the bottom and working my way up, and the evidence of that is all over my match this week. And boy do I have alot to prove and alot of damage to inflict…”

She pauses, stepping forward and unfolding her hands before stepping to the side, her hand moving up and across the room showing the beautiful apartment that does indeed belong to Finn Whelan. An apartment that, for lck of a better word, Kayla has been squatting in.

”I look around this division and so many have made the excuses about me being forgotten, saying that I have yet to make an impact, that Bea Barnhart is noone to care about, that my accomplishments have bot been respected by SCW and of course, the biggest reason they have given…the SCW Bombshells roster is so “stacked” with talent”

“Stacked…”

“Really?”

“That’s cute…”

“You all want to sit there and blow each other in a giant circle jerk and give off that karen book club coupon clipping party vibe, then go right ahead. But that isn’t the kind of person I am. Saying this division is stacked with talent is a blatant lie. This division is stacked with has beens and people living off their own faded glories. And the biggest threat in the division, that isn’t me, is a dominant former champion who would rather play at being a queen…”

“We have a pretentious gimp  in a mask as the internet champion, an aging legend as the Roulette champion who only has that title because Diamond Steele and Keira Fisher played hot potato. Mixed tag titles that are, for all purposes, dead in the water. And then a Bombshells champion who seems to have the contra code for infinite opportunities tattooed somewhere that only her wife…and Mark Ward…get to see…”

“And who else do we have? Has been old hag Vargas? Who can’t be bothered to turn up to work? What about Tempest? The giant woman who gets deeper in her feels than the “chunky” emo bitch that quit? Oh but what about Mikah and Alicia Lukas? The bad asses who held the Bombshells title for years combined? Both of them living in the past and acting like they’re still relevant instead of a paif of bottle blonde airheads stomping their feet like children…”

Her voice deepens, her accent gets stronger and her hands slide into the front pockets of her tight black jeans.

”But me? I have been at the top of my game for a while now and I decided to grace SCW with my presence only to be shuffled aside, while all these undeserving morons take my spot. And I was fine with starting from the bottom, I was fine with carving a path to the “best” this division has to offer while destroying the lower names that SCW has sitting around. But to not be used? That was insulting. So that “clerical error” bullshit can get ready to be stuffed right down my opponents throat.”

“And atleast SCW gave me someone on the…lower end..of the totem pole. An opponent I can go out there and beat the shit out of just so I can remind everyone how good I am, how much of a glorious artist of violence I have always been. And in stepping into the ring and destroying the little Greek bitch I will make damn sure that It isn’t another month before SCW fans get to see me in the ring. And that, really isn’t the best news for Ariana Angelos.”

“See Ari, I can call you Ari right? Not because I want there to be some kind of false familiarity or friendship between us, I just can’t be bothered to say an extra syllable when addressing you. So Ari, how does it feel knowing you’ll be stepping in the ring with me? How does it feel knowing that you’re going to be facing the most hated woman in the company. Or, rather, the soon to be most hated.”

“You’ve started making a name for yourself haven’t you? A few wins, a few big matches and actually getting to appear o0n a supercard. Wow, amazing, impressive. Congratulations. It’s just a shame that the only time you’ve been tested was also your biggest failure. But, while you can learn alot about an opponent from their losses you learn more from their wins.

Kayla scoffs and shakes her head, her long black hair flowing down framing her face and allowing her emerald green eyes to shine.

”And with names Like Chloe Benton, Kaiju Rainbow and Char Kwan? Well, doesn’t that just send my heart running and my fight or flight response spinning?. Chloe Benton, the rookie who constantly makes herself look like a moron. The woman who can’t wrestle a way out of a paper bag. Great win there. What about Kaiju? Actually..what [about[/b] Kaiju? Has anyone seen her? Is she still employed? Or is it another clerical error?...”

“But hey then there was the win over Char Kwan. Damn Ari, that was impressive, beating one of the most delusional bitches in this company, someone who likes to count her name and her history up there with the greats while being one of the biggest jokes. That win right there was the cherry ontop of the shit cake…beautiful…”

Kayla places her fingers on her lips doing a “chefs kiss” before shaking her head and rolling her eyes.

”Your loss, it was expected, you can’t face real challenges. Your wins? Unimpressive. And the fact is you have this entire persona, an entire vision of yourself built around one thing. Heritage. In fact when SCW announced they nwere going on a Greek tour, or “Odyssey” you were so excited, because you thought it gave you the inside scoop on all of this, to make your name matter, all because we happened to be in the part of the world your family hailed from. But here’s the problem Ari, when you craft an entire persona around a culture that is long dead and buried…you look like an idiot…”

“Leonidas is dead, Themistokles is dead, Herakles is a name in a story book, Alexander the greats empire is now a separated state of modernized countries.”

“Greece is now a rotting shithole obsessed with the past and an economy that fell in the toilet.”

“And that is all you can focus on. Hell before you faced Char you mentioned how you wanted to do an “epic promo” from a gladiatorial arena…I have no ideas why since Gladiators were a roman thingl, not a greek thing, but sure we’ll go with that as an example of how unbelievably boring, bland and annoying you are. And you think you're the future of the division? Ari…are you high?...future? Of the company or division? Ari…honey…you don't have a future in this company that isn’t followed up by the word “endeavored”...”

“You are going to be my second victim, and when I’m done with you, I’ll make damn sure there is no “clerical error” when you get your release papers…”

Last Resort

I was never an unhappy child. In fact quite the opposite. I smiled, I laughed. I played with my brothers, my neighbors, my friends at school. I was social, outgoing. Many would say I was an extrovert.

You know it’s funny, they say a leopard can’t change their spots of a zebra can’t change their stripes, implying that humans can’t change. They will always be the same. But then in the same breath those same people will chastise you for changing. The common phrasing of not understanding a changed point of view.

The world will find a reason to hate you. Either because you refuse to change or because you have changed. In the end someone, somewhere will take issue with it. Someone who has known you for years or minutes. They will make a judgment and they will follow through.

So what do we do?

What do we say?

Looking to the past doesn’t work. Looking to the future is speculatory and will never yield any truth as it is all a lie. A lie of hope, or in looking into the past a lie of convenience.

I allowed myself to be lied to once. I turned a blind eye to the problems of the world and I told myself that I was not part of the problem., That despite what I did I was a force for good. I had a right and privilege to stand above others who I looked at as scum of the earth.

But my secret? My shame? Is that deep down I knew I was no better than any of them. I had a family that I smiled and laughed with, I had a boyfriend I said I loved despite his faults and I turned a blind eye to the truth. That I was allowing them to use me for their own gains and own reasons. I was a part of the problem and in some ways I was the catalyst.

Leaving was not my idea. In fact I didn’t want to. But I needed a new start. I needed a fresh outlook and I found it.

This was my last resort.

Apologies.

Kallie was right.

It’s all Johanna could think to herself as she sat on one of the benches at Wolfslair. For the most part the moments and transgressions of last week had been forgotten and shunted aside. Largely overlooked due to Alexs’ influence and words to everyone else. Even Alicia herself had shrugged it off and made an effort to dissuade everyone’s fear. But, it was still there. The doubt and trepidation, a small look from the side here, a whisper there. Johanna had always been somewhat feared by those in Wolfslair, but this was different. It was constant.

The trust was gone. And broken.

Johanna closed her eyes, she breathed deep, in and out. Slowly but surely she was feeling better about herself and the situation. But she knew she still had something to do. Her hands found one another, her fingers interlacing as she opened her eyes and looked across the gym floor. Alicia was there, moving toward her. Wearing sunglasses, inside, her hands out as she felt for a way over to Johanna. Stepping slowly, bumping into members of wolfslair and ap;ologising. Johanna shook her head as she grabbed Austins shoulders and moved around him to find the end of the mats.

She stepped onto the concrete and closer to Johanna, her hands out as she bent down to touch the bench and turn to plant herself down on it. Alicia let out a deep breath and clung to the seat as if holding on for dear life. Johanna sighed and shook her head, a small smirk coming across her lips as she turned to Alicia. ”Are you done with the whole blind bit yet?” Alicia’s eyebrow narrowed under the glasses as she huffed and put her hand on her hips.

She feined offense and grumbled before looking directly at Alicia from behind the glasses. ”Excuse me, I have no idea what you mean, I am handicapped right now and I will thank you not to make fun.” Johanna slowly shook her head, she knew what Alicia was trying to doi. She was trying to break the ice and change the mood. To remind Johanna of the family nature of the gym.And even though Johannas guard lowered a little, she was still reminded of what happened.

She looked down and leaned forward, putting her elbows on her things as she sighed heavily ”I’m sorry Alicia…”

Alicia smirked and shook her head taking off the sunglasses. ”It’s cool I was just committing to the bit.”

Johanna shook her head and looked back at Alicia with a grin. ”Not for that, for knocking you out” She sighed again, as if holding in each breath and forcing herself to release it. There were a few more awkward moments that flew by, it would have been seconds but felt like an eternity. ”I didn’t mean it..”

”Yes you did.” Alicia scoffed and pushes up to herself moving around in front of Johanna, folding her arms over her chest. Johanna looked up and went to protest, instead Alicia put her hands up and shook her head. ”You meant to do it and it’s fine. You were angry, frustrated and in a weird mindset. It happens when fighting for a world championship…believe me. I know. I understand.” She paused again turning to look at everyone else in the gym. ”One of the few that do.”

She trailed off. Johanna swallowed hard. She was right, not everyone knew what it was like to fight for a world title. To have to get into that kind of competitive mindset. A mindset to not just win the match but to go to length that would break most humans. To be on that kind of edge. ” It doesn’t matter anyway. I failed.”

Johannes voice ended up being a whisper. All the confidence left her body and she closed her eyes. Alicia shook her head. ”Why do we fall?” Johanna looked up. Alicia smiled. ”To get back up again…”

Johanna stood up and moved next to Alicia as they both turned to look at the rest of the gym. Everyone was half watching them, half continuing with their workouts. Even Alex was looking over at them. To make sure there was no brawl about to happen. ”Thank you…” Alicia smiled wide, she gave Johanna a nod as they both just looked out again at everyone. Johanna cleared her throat and leaned over. ”Did you…take that from The dark knight?” Alicia smiled again and gave Johanna a nod.

”Hey..some of us…just want to watch the world burn…”

An old foe

]color=yellow]”Are we defined by our wins…or losses?””[/color]

Johannas bright blue eyes burned as she looked forward with a steely determined look. An answer to her question would never come from any other source but herself. She shook her head and laughed under her breath.

”A believe, it’s a mixture of both. See, some wins, they just don’t matter. Against opponents that don’t have anything more to offer than a filler match to remind everyone what you’re capable of. And some losses, well, sometimes you just don’t care enough to acknowledge them or to learn from them. That’s what most do. Most people look at a loss and simply flitter it away like a passing afterthought. Crystal Zdunich, Jessie Salco, Mercedes Vargas. They can eat loss after loss after loss and the week after come out in front of all of you and simply hide it. If you don’t talk about something or care about it then it losses its power.”

“However, that’s the problem. See, if you take somethings power away you make it not matter. You make it so that any lessons you could learn from it are wasted and growth is stunted. I lost to Amber Ryan. The biggest match of my career, for the biggest prize in the goddamn professional wrestling world and I watched as it slipped through my fingers. Now, I can take so many lessons from that match. I can look at what I did wrong and what I did right. And that gives it power. Denying that is something that can destroy you and your potential.”

“So what are the positives hmmm? What did I do that showed the world who Johanna Krieger is? Well, I matched Amber Ryan verbally and physically. See, so many wondered why I was getting the title opportunity. Some assumed because Amber had beaten all the top contenders and while it is most certainly true that she has show herself to be the best of the best…I am not simply a fill in…”

“I am a two time Roulette champion, a former mixed tag team champion and someone who has beaten some of the biggest names in SCW. I got in that ring and I took the best of the best to her goddamn limits. I made Amber think, for a split second, that she could LOSE the title. Imagine that. For one moment. A woman who has run her way through the Bombshells roster like a hot knife through butter, she came face to face with her own mortality and I put the fear of fuck9ing god into her….”

Johanna goals the last few words, pacing back and forth like a caged animal as she feels the confidence that has given her so many high profile wins surge through her body. A small smirk crossing her black painted lips as she stares ahead.

”But, what are the negatives? You know, those things that so many of you try and shuffle under the rug? Well, I lost for one. I had an opportunity that rarely comes around and despite my best efforts, Amber Ryan is the one who walked out of that match as the champion. I gave her my best and my best was simply not good enough. This time. Do you know how it feels? Giving your absolute best and then knowing it simply did not master? It would break a lesser woman. I suppose I can understand the compulsion from some of you to simply…forget…”

“To ignore, to move on. But I won’t. And I’ll use it as fuel. I will use it to drive me forward and that is very very bad news for my opponent. Seleana Zdunich. She and I could not be more opposite. I am driven by a love for professional wrestling. And she is known for being someone who is constantly preoccupied with her own personal life and it’s drama. Yet somehow, Seleana succeeds despite herself. See, on the same night that I had my greatest failure, Seleana had her greatest success in months…months…”

“A woman who has been just existing on this company. Drifting along without much of an impact.”

“Amber Ryan could have looked at Seleana, realized she was a former world champion and could have defended the title against Seleana but she didn't. She chose me. And Seleana instead got put in a triple threat match where the winner would get a future Internet title match against Andre Hernandez. Congratulations Seleana, you will be the next victim for her. And what's worse is before you even get there, before you even get to step in the ring with Andrea, you have to face me. You have to face someone who has a chip on her shoulder…”

Johanna can’t help but laugh as she shakes her head and continues.

”You need to build momentum. Build a future to try and make sure Andrea takes you seriously and against me, that won’t get you very far. Hell Seleana it won’t even get you very far with thinking that your win over Weston and Barnhart mattered. See, you were the least shit out of a shit sandwich. Dani Weston hasn’t been relevant in years, she comes, she goes, she losses, she doesn’t care and she acts like people will applaud her. And Bae Barnhart? Well, her husband seems to be holding the luck right now cause she’s got none and she doesn’t have the talent to get anywhere else. So congratulations Seleana, you found success without actually finding success, it’s an incredible talent you have.”

“But what will you do Seleana? Crow about your win? Ignore everything else that has happened in the last year? Spout off some happy go lucky bullshit to try and make those people care about you and appreciate you? Cause they don’t. They don't because you try and be a hero to them, you try and be a hero for your wife who gives zero shits about you and your family that you keep letting down.”

“This is a jungle Seleana. A jungle full of fucking predators and you and nothing but prey. And week in and week out you do your best and try your hardest, but while my hardest gets me toi the top and into wars with the top of the company your best gets you…wins over the dregs of SCW…”

“And you think this means you can get in the ring with someone like me?”

“I show respect to people who earn it. I showed respect to Amber Ryan because she has decimated the entire landscape here. But you? I don’t respect you. I’m not going to sit here and hand you a fucking participation trophy while you churn out the same boring bullshit in and out of the ring that you always do while I have pushed myself to be the most dangerous human being in this company. I am not going to respect a woman who refuses to grow and learn and sticks her head in the sand to ignore her own failures.”

“Now…at Climax Control, I will halt your momentum and I will send a message. Johanna Krieger, the Agent of fucking mayhem is not done. I will not go quietly into the night and I will not simply be happy with my “place” as others are…I will climb back to the top and I will do it on your broken body…”

Baby Steps

”Well, here we go”

Johanna stood outside the door of Wolfslair, her hand gripping the black gear bag dangling down and swinging as she reached out with her free hand and pushed the door open. It clicked, the sound hit her in the face as well as the feeling of the air. It was competition. But something else that Johanna hadn’t felt. As she moved into the main room, her eyes glided over the large open area. A weight room in the corner, lockers and locker rooms too, two rings down the back, grappling mats and groups of men and women talking and laughing.

An office to the side, where Alex stood talking to a woman with long dark hair, the two of them going over some paperwork, he smiled and she gave him a nod turning towards a few of the members. Another woman, long dark blond hair, impeccable make up and a beautiful face but also strong, muscular and obviously fit, walked up to Alex getting him to sign something before giving him a kiss and turning away, the woman looking up with a smile seeing Johanna and approaching her. [color-orange]”Johanna?”[/color] She gave a nod, a slow one. ”Alex tools me you’d be coming today, I’m Sonya Jones, I usually handle all the contracts and membership rules...boring admin stuff and I’m here to answer any questions.”

She seemed nice enough, giving Johanna a smile but also not shooting a judgemental look like others do. She smiled back, following Sonya through the gym towards the office, Alex talked to someone, a large man, at least six foot six,, long hair and a beard, it was Austin James Mercer, a world champion. Johannas eyes widened, champions did train here. ”Where do I set up and leave my stuff?”

Sonya opened the door to the office showing Johanna inside, a series of well labeled filing cabinets laid back against the wall, two desks sat side by side, it looked organised, official and professional. JOhanna placed her bag down as Sonya pulled out a plastic sleeve, Johannas name and information on a adhesive strip, she set it down in front of Jo, with a pen, folding her arms over her chest. ”Standard boiler plate contracts, read over them if you like, there is a key to as locker as well as one for the roller door at the front. Welcome to Wolfslair.” She held out her hand, Johanna raised an eyebrow and took it, Sonya knew her shit, writing in clauses that were easy to understand, easy to follow. Johanna quickly scribbled her name on the bottom and took the key.

”Thank you.”

Sonya gave her a nod and took the paperwork, Johanna grabbed her bag making her way out onto the floor, looking down at the key number before making her way to the lockers, taking her gear, stuffing the bag in and taking a deep breath before sliding her rash guard over the top. Alex moved over, his arms folding over his chest. ”I’m glad you came, it’s good to see you here Jo” Johanna turned, straightening up her gear and saying nothing, Alex moved around to her side, keeping his arms folded as if he was letting her see the rest of the gym. ”The lay out is simple, grappling, ring work, strength and conditioning. We work together, train together and have each others backs.”

Johanna shook her head and threw her hands up. ”You know this will be new to me right?...I don’t really...play nice with others…”

Her voice was low, her tone had a hint of menace. Alex cleared his throat and gave her a nod. ”We sharpen each other Jo, I get that competition is a thing for you, being able to prove how tough you are, how good you are. And we welcome that, we do.” Alex glides his eyes over to the grappling mats, leading Johanna to look over with him, Alicia Lukas was there, she slid on one knee, grabbing one of the trainees in a double leg takedown. Alicia took the girls back, sinking in a choke, she quickly tapped, Alicia let go within seconds, turning and helping her up before tapping her on the shoulder. They smiled and the girl thanked her for the lesson. ”Competition is the essence of improvement, but the catalyst is accepting to get better yourself, you should help others...we don’t hold people down here Johanna...we reach down and pull people up…”

Johanna swallowed hard, she gave Alex a nod, she understood but it felt strange. It was that bond she thought she had as a police officer. Standing by each other, helping each other. Respecting each other. But now, here she was thousands of miles away from her home, finding what she wanted to have there.  ”Understood...I can respect that” Alex tapped her on the shoulder, moving toward the rings, Johanna took a deep breath and stretched, moving towards the grappling mats and the other members. This was the start….

Remember, remember….

”I haven’t had the best run lately in Sin city have I?”

Johannas voice breaks the silence, she stares out of her apartment, a third story one in New York located in Manhattan, overlooking the streets. The company had been good to her.

”I hit the ground running when I arrived. I beat some of the best in the company, women who would go on to be world champions or who had been world champions. I won the mixed tag titles, the roulette title, twice and I struck fear into the hearts of so many in this company. Members of the bombshells division would look at the card for the week to see if they had been booked on the show and if so who against, and I would watch, I would watch their reactions. And I could tell who was booked to face me. Their shoulders would slumpm they’d let out a sigh and accept their fate…”

“They were going to catch a fucking beating.”

“And win or lose with me you know you are going to come out the other side looking and feeling different.”

“I’m not just some kind of average professional wrestler, out to do just enough to win the have my hand raised. I have always been someone who liked to hurt people. Not to end their career or maim them or anything so major. But to make them remember. You just win a match people can walk backstage, drown their sorrows and forget the next week. You hurt someone, they go home, they drown their sorrows, they try to forget and then..can’t. They wonder why their arm hurts, or their knee, ankle, neck. They feel that stabbing or shooting pain and they then know...and remember you…”

Johanna pushes her hand off the wall on the side of the window, moving and turning in her apartment before reaching down and grabbing a bottle of water with a sigh.

”Being remembered. Is that what we all want? The fame and glory is nice, don’t get me wrong, I am glad that I have been able to find some form of success in America. Being able to have a nice apartment, great friends and teammates. All while avoiding the traps I see on social media and navigating my way through that kind of mine field. But, being remembered is what I need and want. Remembered like my opponent Danielle Weston.”

“See, Dani has been in SCW a while now, been the SCW bombshells champion, shown the world how awesome she can be but has also taken time off at points. And in this world and this day and age when people have such small minds and forgetful memories it is telling about a person and the impact they have made when they can take time away from all this madness and still be remembered and not forgotten. Dani was gone for a while, and when she returned it was like she never left.”

“She and I head into our match this week and we have had the same amount of matches in company history. Twenty Nine, this will be our thirtieth matches.”

“Crazy to think about isn’t it?”

“Even crazier when you realise our records themselves are rather comparable. Similar wins, losses, the differences being that Dani can call herself a former world bombshells champion and I can’t. It’s an opportunity that has eluded me thus far yet, Dani’s return has been met with fanfare and so many have talked about how they remember her talent, and how she could recapture the bombshells championship again…”

Joanna takes another sip of water before placing the bottle back on the table, her hands also laying flat now as she lets out a breath.

”Yet, people don’t say anything about me, my name is tossed aside like I’m just another person in this company. Ready to be fed to a returning “legend”. Just a name on a loist of people that Krystal Wolfe has conquered, just a name on a list of people who have never been the Bombshells champion. And why? Am I that easily shoved aside and thrown under bthe rug Danielle?”

“You have returned, you beat Mikah one of the most dominant bombshells champions in history and despite the fact she has not been the same woman she was by any stretch that win was popped huge, promoted huge. I beat and in her prime Roxi Johnson and no one...NO ONE cared. I beat Keira, I beat Mercedes, I destroyed people as a mixed tag team champion and people forget...people forget what I am capable of.”

“So now I have to make them remember. I have to make them and you remember. So I am going to have to do something to you that you will never forget, that you will be reminded of every single time you go to do ANYTHING. And it won’t be personal Dani, I don’t hate you, I don’t know you well enough to hate you….in fact I admire you. I admire your past, your accomplishments and your success. But, when you admire something, sometimes you want to take it…”

“And that is what I want to do...take a little of it for myself. So at Climax control that is what I plan to do, I refuse to be just another name….another name on the list of people Danielle Weston beat in her triumphant return tour of Sin city wrestling…”