The opening shot is nothing but darkness. That is, at least, until the cap for the video camera is removed and promptly dropped on the floor with a clatter…

The Troll: Whoop, hold on.

The Troll leaned down out of view from where he sat in his amateur studio in the basement of the house he lived in with his mom. The Troll then sat upright and tossed the lens cap to the surface of his studio desk, calmly leaning back in his chair with a smug grin on his face. That is until he almost tilted too far backwards and he quickly caught himself.

The Troll: I meant to do that, you know. So…!

He nods graciously to the viewer(s) watching this (en)grossing web broadcast, clasping his pudgy fingers together on the edge of the desk.

The Troll: My Peeps! You of course know me as YOUR Champion!

The Troll reached off camera and picked up his Troll Championship belt and set it front and center in front of the camera. He then held up two fingers.

The Troll: Two months! That is how long it’s been since your boy has been allowed to grace everyone with his presence inside of the ring! Give or take a week! And on one hand, I can understand why Mark Ward and Christian Underwood waited until now before bringing me in to show all of these pantywaists how a real man competes inside of the ring. Too much of a good thing, y’know? They don’t want to make my in-ring appearances a weekly thing and water down the Highest Rated Superstar in Sin City Wrestling history. That just wouldn’t be fair to the plebians who tune in to see some excitement in my name and are instead forced to settle for second best like Miles Kasey and Alexander Raven and Malachi… oh wait. I sent that loser packing. Never mind! But this week? This week I was not going to take no for an answer. This match…

He jabbed his fat finger onto the desk, then into his own sternum.

The Troll: This was all my idea! I demanded this match against Justin Decent because that loser has been wasting too much airtime every week! He thinks he’s so pretty and all the girls adore him, well let me tell you something! Just because that girly man holds a win over the luckiest World Champion in SCW history - and yes I am talking about YOU - J2H! Justin thinks he can kick back every week and waste everyone’s time calling the introductions to the matches. Why is this such a bad thing? You say the man is just doing his job?

The Troll scoffed.

The Troll: If that was true, someone tell the man to put a shirt on and to stop wearing Lycra pants the world can see his pulse through! I am GLAD to have this Hardcore opportunity to teach him that he is not the star of the show! I am! And I am going to beat him down until…

**THUD!** **THUD!** **THUD!**

And there was the tell-tale sound of you-know-who!

Mom: GABRIEL!

The Troll groaned, rubbing the bridge of his nose in faux annoyance.

The Troll: Yeah, Ma!?

Mom: Are you ready to take me shopping!?

The Troll: In just a minute Ma! I’m telling my Peeps about my match this weekend against Justin Decent!

Mom: Justin Decent…? Sweety! I told you to wipe the ketchup off of your contract! It’s Justin Smith you’re wrestling!

The Troll: Justin … Smith…? That really old dude who carries around a beer can!?

Mom: And the Singapore cane!

The Troll’s eyes widen and his skin pales.

The Troll: Singapore cane…?

Mom: You’re going to make your mommy proud, like always! Now hurry up and change your clothes so we can go to the store!

The Troll: Why do I need to change my clothes???

Mom: Because we’re going to Target! It’s not like we’re going to Wal-Mart or something! Target is classy!

The Troll turned and stared into the camera and mouthed ‘classy?’ before the camera switched off.

Immediate closeup of the Troll’s face as the camera for his vlog is turned on and he sits back in his comfortable yet outdated desk chair that has seen better days. He leans back, the picture perfect example of cocky confidence with his hands clasped on his belly and fingers interlaced together.

The Troll: Hey, yo! It’s your boy, da Troll! Funny way to kick things off this time around, isn’t it?

He scrunches up his face and shakes his head in the negative.

The Troll: It’s really not. You see, the Golden Girls is one of those overrated sitcoms from the worst era of television history - the eighties. Still, it is a piece of history and I have to admit my mom watched the reruns every day on her television. It’s really nice to see her enjoy something and get her well deserved laughs in. She gets her Golden Oldies on the television, but me? I get mine inside of the ring apparently. I mean…

He rolls his eyes quite brazenly.

The Troll: “Chronic” Chris Page? I mean, seriously? Who pissed in the Cheerios of the matchmakers this time around and why am I being the one made to suffer for it? Okay, it wouldn’t be the FIRST time that I stepped inside of the ring with the Golden Girls of SCW - or in this case, I suppose it’s the Golden Guys. I mean…

He holds up a hand and starts counting off of his chubby sausage-like digits.

The Troll: “Bulldog” Bill Barnhart. Fugly as he is, he’d have to be Blanche because he’s always going about lying about his age and thinking he’s all that. Mac Bane? He’s Dorothy, because he acts all big and tough but back him into a corner like I did and he becomes a blubbering, whiny mess who deep down is really just a scared little girl. “Godly” Ken Davison is tied with Matthew “the Raven” Knox on  the old, senile one of the group … Sophia? Which brings us, of course, to “Chronic” Chris Page who is the dumb one of the group - Rose. Now he has shown a bit of brain s now and again, just like that character did, but it’s few and far between because this week, you haven’t heard jack from him. And why? Because deep down he’s seen what I’ve accomplished inside of this business and he knows that I’m a force to be reckoned with! So, he’s hiding. That’s smart. But will he stay hidden?

He closes his eyes and shakes his head.

The Troll: Of course not. That’s because that made up storyline of a reputation his overpaid PR Agent has eaten away at his brain, making him believe his own hype. He really BELIEVES that he is this legend in the business and that he’s held ALL of these championships and been in ALL of these Hall of Fame ceremonies.

He huffs and stares into the camera.

The Troll: There is nothing more pitiful than a man who can’t accept the reality that is staring him right in the face. Sad, huh? Now I would have HOPED that in recent events, that the world would be a happier place. The Republicans - MY PEEPS - won the House! Huh? Huh? And of course, there’s the fact that your boy here…

He does the RVD thumbs pose.

The Troll: Has officially got game. My lovely Kitty showed up and kicked the balls of that sad O’Malley so hard he gave himself a hummer. Haha!

He laughs and claps his hands together. He wiped a gleeful tear from his eye.

The Troll: That was so great! But…

He sighs.

The Troll: People aren’t happy for me. If nothing else, they’re insulting me even more and… insulting my beautiful Katherine too! THAT … will demand a reckoning! And I thought when my Mom fainted last week, it was because she was so happy for her beautiful baby boy but sadly… no. She fainted because she was sad. And WHY was she so sad?

*THUMP!* *THUMP!* *THUMP!*

As if on cue…

Mom: GABRIEL!

The Troll sighs.

The Troll: Yes, Ma!?

Mom: I’m not talking to you!

The Troll: Okay Ma!

Mom: I just can’t believe you! After I tried so hard to raise you right, imagine! Going off and starting something with that girl and breaking the heart of that poor Miles boy!

The Troll stares into the camera, shaking his head and jetting a thumb up.

The Troll: That’s why!

Immediate closeup of the Troll’s face as the cam ear for his vlog is turned on and he sits back in his comfortable yet outdated desk chair that has seen better days. He clasps his hands on the surface of his folding table desk and wears a cocky smile on his face.

The Troll: Hey yo yo yo, everyone! It’s your boy …

**RVD thumbs to the shoulders**

The Troll: … The Troll, here with the mind blowing expose that you were prom-

**THUD! THUD! THUD!**

The Troll’s smile falls and he sighs.

The Troll: Wow. She broke her record.

Mom: GABRIEL!

He looks up toward the ceiling of his boudier which also happens to be the floor of the house’s first floor.

Troll: Yes, Ma???

Mom: Are you talking to your little friends?

Troll: Yes Ma!

Mom: Well you tell them "hi" for me!

Troll: I will, Ma!

He returns his attention to the camera.

The Troll: Now before we get to the root of why you’re all here, let me just say that it is about time that the top brass of SCW - that’s YOU Ward and Underwood - gave me my just due and put me in a spot where I can get for myself a championship match! Of course, the fact that you put me against three losers to earn this spot at High Stakes XII instead of doing the FAIR thing - which is just booking me against the Roulette Champion - is a travesty for another day! After all, how many times do I have to show Bulldog Bill Barnhart who’s boss? I mean, what do I have to do to show that old fool that he is the past whereas I am the future of this company? Roll up a newspaper and hit him on the snoot like a bad puppy who just piddled on the floor? Old Man Barnhart has had ENOUGH chances at the championships of SCW! It’s time for a REAL MAN to step up and step past a liar like him! I mean… the man is trying to convince everyone that he’s in his thirties. If he’s in his thirties then I’M a light heavyweight!

The Troll shakes his head and huffs.

The Troll: Then of course there’s Agostino Romano who has got to be THE single most overrated Superstar EVER! And when I say ever, I mean in the entire ten year history of Sin City Wrestling! All they ever do is hype this joker by telling everyone that he’s a record breaking three-time Internet Champion!

The Troll scoffs.

The Troll: Yeah, and they also forget to mention he also lost all three of those championships on the FIRST defense! Oh-OH! And then they REALLY insult me when they put Alex Rush of all people as the fourth member of this match! I mean, seriously!?

He makes the WTF face.

The Troll: Alex Freaking Rush!? The only reason this lunatic held any sort of championship down in the minor leagues was because of a rhino! … Yeah! You heard me right - a rhino is behind every accomplishment that Alex Rush has had in his life! What does that tell you about the so-called legacy this dipstick will leave behind? And these are the men they think are worthy of competing against ME for a title shot at the biggest event of the year…

**THUD! THUD! THUD!**

Mom: GABRIEL!

Troll: Yes, Ma???

Mom: Are you telling all your friends about your little wrestling match this weekend???

The Troll: Yes Ma, I am!

Mom: Aw! That's Mama's sweet, baby boy! Going after his very first championship! I'm so proud of you!

Troll: No, Ma! I told you! I have to win this match first to earn the championship match!

Mom: Oh. Do we have any Scooter pies?

The Troll does a double take before returning his full attention to his vlog.

The Troll: Now, I promised everyone out there a MAJOR news drop and as you all know - I Do Not Lie! This news is so big that it might even surpass every other nomination for the WTF/Holy Sh!t Moment of the Year in the 2022 Awards! This has everything to do with a former Superstar in SCW, the kind of guy who gets off on walking around wearing eyeliner and putting gel in his chest hair. Yeah. You know who I’m talking about…!

The Troll holds up a picture for the camera to see.


The Troll drops the photo and huffs.

The Troll: Yeah, O’Malley! The former SCU Underground Champion and SCW Roulette Champion and – probably the one person who can beat out Agostino Romano as the Most Overrated wrestler in SCW history! But this isn’t about attacking the man or throwing shade because Lord knows I’m not the sort! This revelation comes from a place of caring because my news is hopefully going to save the man from a life of humiliation – wel, further humiliation. You see, the poor man has been duped. He is a victim here, and it is my job to save him from himself! Because his wife – Darcy? She is not who he thinks she is! Are you ready for this?

He clears his throat and readies himself.

The Troll: Darcy – is Misty!

He spreads his arms out wide and nods.

The Troll: I know, right!? The very same Misty that the world thought died YEARS AGO is alive and well! Misty, Hall of Famer and one of the original Bombshells FAKED her own death for reasons unknown! She is alive and well and in this callous act has thrown all the respect and adoration the fans gave her right back in their faces! Now you might be asking how can this be true when Misty and Darcy look nothing alike but ah HA! Your boy the Troll knows! After she faked her untimely demise, she couldn’t live with her own actions and live without O’Malley so she went all Nicholas Cage and did the whole Face Off thing to come back a whole new person, start over because she had screwed up her life so ABYSMALLY – and worm her way right back into O’Malley’s life like she had never left!

He slams a fist onto the table surface.

The Troll: I will not stand for this! Women are always treating men like childish fools and acting all superior! Well let me tell you, Misty may have believed the world had been fooled by her little deception but NOT ME! And I will not rest until she has confessed the truth of her emotional crimes against O’Malley and…

**THUD! THUD! THUD!**

Mom: GABRIEL!

Troll: What is it Ma!?

Mom: Don't you "what is it Ma" me! I raised you better than that and that's the way you talk to your mother!? What if I died right here and right now and that's the last thing you said to me!? THEN you'd be sorry! THEN you'd…

The Troll: I'm SORRY Ma! Did you need something?

Mom: How come you never invite any of your little wrestling friends over? Like that sweet boy with the butt? What's his name?

The Troll runs a hand down his face, knowing exactly who she means.

The Troll: Miles Kasey, Ma!

Mom: Yeah, him! Or that Bella Madison! She's such a little doll! How come you never bring them over?

The Troll: Ma...

Mom: What, are you ASHAMED of your mother??? Is THAT it!? My own baby boy is ashamed...

The Troll: I'm NOT ashamed of you Ma!

Mom: Then why don't you ever invite them over!?

The Troll: Because I don't LIKE them, Ma!

The Troll suddenly looks into the camera with horror at his admission and quickly shuts it off![/font]

The amateur-made logo for the webcast fades away into nothingness and the Troll is the first thing scene, an unfortunate closeup of what appears to be wire brush but as he draws back, is revealed to be nothing more than a closeup shot of the hair in his nose. The Troll turns his camera’s features on and with the lightning around him, he is revealed to be seated in a shabby hotel room; complete with faded paint on the walls that is peeling in worn spots, a window with no view save for a large tree right in front of it, a bed with the blankets turned over and rumbled and pillows that look as if they’ve had better days.

The Troll: Hey, yo yo everybody! It’s your boy, the Troll, here for another expert broadcast of the Wit and Wisdom of the one and only - The Troll! And you know what that means! A healthy dose of the truth, and nothing but the truth! And you want a hint of the Truth to start things out!? Take a look around me! You see where I am? You see the conditions that a man of my stature has been put in??

He waves behind him with a flail of his flabby forearm.

The Troll: Take a guess where your boy is this week! Heck! I’ll give you three guesses and the first two don’t count! Your boy the Troll - that’s me - is all the way in Jaipuri, India! And you wouldn’t believe the lengths Mark Ward and Christian Underwood went through to keep yours truly out of this country! And why? Because they were afraid! They were afraid of what I was going to say to expose them and Sin City Wrestling! Because the last thing any cherry picking corporate schlongs like those two want is for the soft minded, weak-willed plebeians to know EXACTLY what is happening behind the scenes of their precious money making scam! And that is what SCW is - a scam! I’ll tell you why, it's because of the second reason why they went through such lengths to keep me away! Because of this high and mighty soft serve wimp named Finn Whelan that they have me up against tonight!

The Troll waves his hands around and shakes his head.

The Troll: Oh yeah, I heard ALL about the mighty and fearsome Finn Whelan! The guy is a pencil neck geek who has the body of a flat chested Bombshell but apparently the bosses expect big things from him! They think he’s something special and a future World Champion but I know better!

He pokes himself in the chest, emphasizing each word.

The Troll: I. Know. Better! Finn Whelan has about as much chance at living up to those lofty expectations as Ben Jordan has at not coloring his chest hair so you don’t see all the gray! Finn Whelan has as much of a shot at beating me this weekend as Melissa has at admitting she injected that big booty full of cement!

He leans in close to the screen and stage whispers.

The Troll: Explains a lot about that Bombshell, doesn’t it?

He taps a knowing finger to his temple and leans back the way he was.

The Troll: I’ll give you one chance, Finn, to just walk away from this match and save your dignity because the Troll is out for blood, baby! And you have only Ward and Underwood to thank for everything I was put through over the last two days! First, I SOMEHOW was given the understanding I was supposed to be in Indiana for a match so I flew ALL the way there, only to get chewed out by the **air quotes* bosses to get my, as Underwood put it, ever expanding backside to INDIA! I mean - INDIA!? Who in God;s name comes to this forsaken country WILLINGLY!? They don’t even eat BEEF! What does it tell you when a man can’t go out and get a decent hamburger because of religious morals! Imagine – pandering to the locals!

He rolls his eyes.

The Troll: Then I get stuck in coach, and do you see where they put me up when a man of MY distinction should be in the suite!? YOU Whelan! This is all your fault and I swear to GOD I am going to…!

*THUMP!* *THUMP!* The tell-tale sound of something banging on the wall.

Mom: GABRIEL THOMAS WANK!

The Troll closes his eyes and shakes his head, letting loose a sigh.

The Troll: Yes, Ma!?

Mom: Be a good boy and get your Mommy some ice from the machine!

The Troll: Yes Ma!

Mom: That’s my boy!

The Troll then side eyes the camera.

The Troll: And I want to know WHO was responsible for THAT!? Milo Kasey…!

He points right into the camera.

The Troll: It was YOU, wasn’t it!? Or maybe… Ben Jordan!? If I find out it was the Cockring King…!

He then sits back again, only something goes ‘crack’ and he plummets backwards with his feet sticking straight up in the air at full camera angle.

The Troll: CUT! CUT!
[/font]

The amateur-made logo for the webcast fades away into nothingness and the Troll is the first thing scene, an unfortunate closeup as he turns his camera’s features on and leans back into his comfortable, if obviously well-used, gaming chair.

The Troll: Hey, yo yo everybody! It’s your boy, the Troll, here for another expertise broadcast of the Wit and Wisdom of .. you guessed it - The Troll! And you know what that means! A healthy dose of the truth, and nothing but the truth! But above all, a hard dose of tough love for some plebians because that’s just the sort of man that I am! I. Care!

Then comes that all-too familiar thud on te floor of the house, which just so happens to be the roof above the Troll’s head in his room - the basement of his mom’s house.

Mom: GABRIEL!

The Troll closes his eyes and sighs, hoping - believing - that he would have more time to devote to his ‘peeps’ before the inevitable was to happen. He pulls the headset from his right ear…

The Troll: WHAT, MA!?

Mom: ‘What, Ma!’ I hope your little friends hear the way you talk to your poor mother!

The Troll: I’m SORRY, Ma! I just got down here to start tal;king to my peeps…

Mom: Are you eating those nasty things again!? If you don’t slow down on those things you might end up putting on weight and I don’t want my baby to get fat!

The Troll: I won’t, Ma! What did you need???

Mom: It started raining outside! I just put up the wash!

The Troll: O…kay? Are you going to go get it!?

Mom: Gabriel Archibald Wank!

(The Troll quickly (but not quick enough) covers the microphone in a misguided attempt to stop anyone from discovering his shame – namely his middle name.

Mom: I just sat down to watch my stories! I need you to get up here and get the wash down before it’s ruined!

The Troll: Ma! I’m BUSY!

Mom: Oh well ex-CUSE me, Mister High and Mighty Pro Wrestler! I was only thinking of you because you know what rain water does to that special detergent for your underwear and how it gave you that nasty rash last time up your…!

The Troll: Okay Ma! I’m COMING!

Mom: Aww, that's Momma's sweet boy!

He reaches forward and turns off the camera…

And several minutes later, the camera is turned back on and the Troll resumes his spot.

The Troll: Sorry about that, you know me. The ever-dutiful son! A man’s work is never done, which brings me to why I’m here today. How long has it been since yours truly has been given the opportunity to shine? Not since the start of December! Can you believe that!? They have tried so hard for so long to hold me back, to hold me down, but no sir! That is not going to happen, I won’t allow it! You know me, peeps! I just keep fighting because that’s what a REAL man does! He does not forgive, and he does not forget! Which is why, sooner or later, I am going to get my hands on that little freak Despayre and wring his neck and then make him sit back and watch as I wring the neck of that STUPID teddy bear of his! But…

He holds a hand up, conceding a point.

The Troll: This one isn’t about that sick freak. This is about your boy, that’s me, finally being given the chance ti get back inside of the ring so I can show some new loser in SCW what it means to debut against a real superstar! And they give me some guy who sounds like he should be wearing his initials on his high school Letterman jacket!

He ‘air quotes’ with a snide expression.

The Troll: JC! Maybe I’m wrong. Forget the high school dropout routine. He sounds like some gay rap superstar.

Hey yo yo yo! I’m really a boy!

He thumps his chest and gives the camera a lame rap gesture.

The Troll: What kind of stupid ring name is that!? Hi-C is more like it because any fool who talks smack about yours truly and steps inside of the ring with me by CHOICE… well, he has to be high because he can’t possbly be willing to do something so dumb by choice! He’s been talking smack for days abut what he’s going to do to me with hos like Kat Jones and other Vegas tramps jumping in to cheer him on, which is just going to make things even sweeter when I put him down and shut them up! And since he has his own cheerleading section, that’s just going to make things go even worse for poor JC!

He holds both hands up.

The Troll: Don’t blame me, JC! You only have those bimbos to blame for what I’m going to do to you. So-called unbeaten superstar, about to taste his first loss in well over a year!

He snorts.

The Troll: As. If! I believe he has a win-loss record THAT impressive about as much as I believe he’s held as many championships as he likes to brag about. And you all know me and how much I hate a braggart! Well all those titles you CLAIM to have held just means you’ve lost a bunch of championships!

And that is THE TRUTH!
[/font]

As the camera turns on and the podcast begins, The Troll sits back, this time sporting a red ball cap on his head with the ‘MAGA’ logo on the forefront and his shirt, stained with a recent chili dog feast, bears the emblem “Trump - 2024” front and center on his chest. Yes indeed, the Troll is a tried and true supporter of all things Donald Trump! And truth be told, who’s really all that surprised?

Once he reaches forward to hit the ‘air’ on his little makeshift studio, he sits back and exhales sharply, shaking his head.

The Troll: I tell you my peeps, I swear I don’t even know where to start this time! Usually, I have a set plan, you know? I have everything thought out right down to the most minute of details like any professional would. But this week, and everything that’s happened? Your boy the Troll is experiencing a first! He’s actually at a loss!

He clears his throat and holds up an index finger. He reaches over and grabs the giant sized 7-11 soda cup and slurps deeply before setting it back down again.

The Troll: maybe we should work this out with the most important topic and then so on down. And he first would be, of course, the travesty of that audit in Maricopa County in Arizona. All those reports that you hear that the auditors found that not only did Biden win the state legit but they discovered even more votes for Biden than previously believed?

The Troll shakes his head.

The Troll: Fake news! It’s just like the REAL president, yours and mine - Donald Trump - said, they REALLY discovered enough votes for him to turn over the travesty of the 2020 election three or four times over and that is a FACT! Donald Trump is and has always been OUR President of the United States! Believe it!

The Troll leans back in his chair and shakes his head, twiddling his fat thumbs.

The Troll: I suppose that rings us to the next topic, and that’s the return of Kris Ryans. Now you might be surprised by this or asking yourself why I’m either bothering talking about that has-been? Well truth be told, I feel kind of sorry for him. And here’s the reason why, and it’s my scoop of the week! You remember how we all saw that bleached blonde AA reject Mikah mention her beautiful new home in Hawaii? And then just last week we see Kris make mention of how he had to leave Hawaii? That’s it!

The Troll slams his meaty fist down onto his table.

The Troll: That’s the TRUTH right there! Kris Ryans and Mikah are back together! AGAIN! Just when you thought the man developed some common sense and dumped her ass, he falls right back into the same trap! Mikah is a USER! She was doing everything in her power to make Kris something he wasn’t and a shadow of his former self, and just as he’s making progress to being what he once was, he goes and shoots it all to hell! Just like that!

He snaps his fingers.

The Troll: And for a woman who only weeks ago was STILL trying to get into the pants of ‘Hot Stuff’ Mark Ward? You’d think Kris would have wizened up by now, or maybe he just wasn’t aware? Though I guess I can’t say he was too smart to start with if he was bending over for Fenris. Face facts! Kris Ryans just has bad taste in whoever he decided to knock boots with!

And speaking of Sodomites, that brings me to the third and most disturbing topic of all; the fact that the powers-that-be decided to place me not in the match I deserve the most to be in; for the vacant Roulette Championship! But they have me going up against David Shepherd, and I do not mean ‘going up against’ in the literal sense! I mean, this is a guy who almost caused that cruise ship to capsize the way he and Fenris were rocking the boat, so to speak! I was two floors below them and I STILL got sent off my bed the way they were going at it! And it’s DISGUSTING! And THAT’S the guy I have to step into the ring with!? It’s unfair! It's unjust! It’s no wonder though he has such a screwed up sense of what is right and what is wrong! Look at his family life! His parents make David Koresh look like Tammy Faye Baker! And that sister of his…! Well while she may be pretty hot, she’s probably responsible for half the STDs in the state of Oklahoma!

Well not to worry David! The Troll has your back … pun not intended. This match isn’t going the way you want, but given your sad lot in life, that’s hardly unexpected. I’ll take a hint from those cop shows and show you why being in the ring with yours truly will scare you straight. Your family will owe me a fruit basket after this, because you know what they say is in the state of Oklahoma!

He leans back in his chair, hands behind his head, feet kicking up on the desk with a smug smirk on his fat face.

The Troll: Just a bunch of steers and…

And the chair toples over backwards and the Troll lands hard on the floor with a thud!

With a satisfied smile
[/font]

The Troll: So, I bet you all think you got a good laugh at my expense, hm? No. I’m not talking about what Miles “Botox Buttocks” Kasey pulled when he went behind my back and invited my mom onto the Summer XXXTreme cruise, because that’s not it at all. I LOVE my mom and now, apparently, so does everyone else! That kind of worked against you, didn’t it Miles? You thought somehow, in some way, having my mom on board would be a detriment to me or an embarrassment, but it worked out for the best! Everyone loved my mom!”

*BANG! BANG!*

Mom: GABRIEL! Did you just call me!?

The Troll pulls his headphones away for a brief moment and casts his eyes upward.

The Troll: NO MA! I was just telling my peeps how everybody loved you on the ship!

Mom: Aw, that’s so sweet!

The Troll looks back into the web blog screen and is about to speak…

Mom: GABRIEL!

He sighs and pulls his headphones away again.

The Troll: What, Ma!?

Mom: Did that nice boy with the butt ever ask you out!? You know, the ones that invited me on the cruise WHEN MY OWN SON DIDN’T!

The Troll stares hard into the camera and exhales through his nose, mouthing ‘Thanks Miles!” before…

The Troll: NO, Ma!

Mom: Aww! My poor baby is going through his first heartbreak! Momma’s here for you!

The Troll groans and runs a hand down his face before he looks into the camera to address his ‘peeps.’

The Troll: Where was I? Oh, yes! The so-called humiliation Miles and certain others think they got at my expense, and all because of what happened when I stepped into the ring with a Living Legend like J2H. Well face facts, people! What else did you think was going to happen? NEWSFLASH! I let J2H win! It was all part of the deal! You know how it is with that guy! He shows up when he’s clearly not wanted and only wrestles when there’s something in it for him, and ONLY against people he clearly won’t lose to! It’s called creative control, and J2H has it in spades! If we fought for real, do you actually think that scrawny kid would stand a chance against me?

The Troll scoffs.

The Troll: Please! Everything about that punk is as fake as his Cracker Jack tattoos! And speaking of fake, that brings us to the poor slob who I’m stepping into the ring against this weekend, the next victim of … (RVD thumbs) The Troll! And that is “Bulldog” Bill Barnhart!


The Troll: Oh look! There’s the geriatric dear right now, resting up. He takes a lot of naps, you know. It takes a lot of energy to walk allll that way down the aisle and then he has to climb those steps and get into the ring without breaking a hip or hyper extending his joints lifting his leg that high to even get through the ropes. So, aside from Bill Barnhart being set up for the ultimate humiliation and falling in yet ANOTHER defeat, let me fill you in on a little secret about the famous ring veteran.

The Troll beckons us closer with a wave of his finger.

The Troll: Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, about “Bulldog” Bill Barnhart is one hundred percent fake! … Well, maybe that isn’t so much of a secret, because anybody who has watched his promos or seen his matches knows this for a fact. I mean, just LOOK at the man! Bill Barnhart would have us believe that he is a man in his thirties!? What, does he think that we don’t even have eyes? Are we headless or something and he thinks we can’t see the man for what he is!? This is a guy that sang at Betty White’s sixteenth birthday for crying out loud! A ring veteran who hit his peak in the 1930s! The man, I admit, was a Hall of Famer and a former champion many times over. We know because he takes every opportunity to remind us every chance he gets. But here’s something he forgets in his advanced years…

THAT WAS OVER TEN YEARS AGO!!!

I mean, seriously! How long is this joke going to rest on his laurels before even he understands his best years were probably when he was in diapers! Oh, wait… at his age he’s probably back in them so nix that train of thought. Fake. That’s all he is. Fake age, and apparently a fake friend. Am I the only one who realized he didn’t even CARE about what happened to his so-called (air quotes) ‘friend’ Senor Vinnie at Summer XXXTreme at the hands of that Bible Thumping Basket Case David Shepherd? Vinnie’s career is OVER because of David and all Barnhart is acting like it was just another match.

He shrugs.

The Troll: No big deal, am I right? Bulldog will just sweep it under the rug and find someone else to ride the coattails of and leech off of their popularity. Luke he does with Bea. I mean, we all see THAT relationship for what it is!

The Troll cups a hand over his mouth and stage whispers.

The Troll: That’s a trophy wife situation if I ever saw one. It’s just a shame that Bea is more of a man than Bill is. On average she does more talking about his opposition in his promos than what he does. It makes me wonder what she’s going to have to say about yours truly. But sorry to disappoint Bea, but my heart is spoken for. Which brings me to my final point to make. Last but not least, I want to dedicate this win, my ultimate victory over an aging Bill Barnhart, to my boo, Bobbie Dahl. The future Missus...

*BANG! BANG!*

Mom: GABRIEL!

The Troll: WHAT Ma!?

Mom: Is skinless chicken and salad alright for dinner!?

The Troll frowns and stares up at the ceiling.

The Troll: What’s with the rabbit food, Mom!?

Mom: I had a doctor’s appointment this morning and he said according to my weight I should be seven foot, one!

The Troll starts to say something, then freezes and stares up at the ceiling again….
[/font]

“Well! Well! Well! What do we have here!? A sense of karma? A little taste of justice? You know, hard as it is to be humble, I hate to say I told you so…”


“You heard it here first, loyal viewers! And to the hearing impaired - listeners! The Troll told every single one of those plebeians in the Superstar division that it would only be a matter of time before Mark Ward and Christian Underwood realized my value to Sin City Wrestling! I told every single one of you whiny little babies that Ward and Underwood could not - WOULD NOT - be able to silence the truth! And here we are! Next week! Your boy, that’s me. The Troll! I am going to be not only challenging Alex Jones for the Roulette Championship, but I am going to be walking away with it as well. Bank on it!”

“It’s no offense to Alex Jones and everything that he’s accomplished in this sport, which if you want to be honest, really isn’t all that much. It’s not like he’s, say - Alicia Lukas? All those World Championships and Hall of Fame inductions that he likes to tell everyone that he’s been bestowed with or won inside of the ring?”

He shakes his head ‘no’ with a haughty sense of self righteousness.

“All fake. All made up. To pad the so-called resume of the even more so-called ring veteran. If he was really as great as he wants everyone to believe, it wouldn’t have taken him so long to win a title where he didn’t have to rely on a tag team partner to carry him. He would have had the World Heavyweight Championship by now, not the Roulette title which has went downhill in prestige for the last several reigns. That’s where I come into play! Once I win that title, and I will, your boy - the Troll - will bring the Roulette title back to the stature it enjoyed when it was first created.”

“Then of course, there’s the little matter of my good friend Miles ‘Milo’ Kasey. Well, Miles? Didn’t I warn you? Did. I. Not. Warn. You!? I told you that you’d pay for saying something - anything - about my mom, and that’s what you get! Not that you had much of a chance against Mac Bane anyway, but anything that I can do to show you up for being the overrated never-was that we all know you are, I’ll do!”

“And to think that you, and people like Caleb Storms and Bobbie Dahl (and god knows who else) thought you could make me look bad in the eyes of MY Mom by sending her flowers!? MY Mom loves me more than anything! But you lot just keep sending more flowers and more, and you should see the whole upstairs of our house! It looks like a botanical garden threw up everywhere! Well the laugh is on ALL of you! You see, my mom hasn’t been home all week! She’s been out of town visiting her brother. She’s due back later today, which gives me all the time in the world to change the names on the cards of those flowers so…”

Suddenly there is the sound of a door swinging open upstairs, and the Troll realizes that he has waited too long and we hear the Troll’s (apparently) much loved mother shouting from upstairs...

MOM: “What the…!? What’s with all these flowers!? Oh Lord… oh Lord Almighty! Who died!? SOMEONE DIED!! Gabriel! GABRIEL! Where’s my baby boy…!?

The Troll rolls his eyes and huffs audibly before shouting upstairs to answer his Mother.

TROLL: “MA! I’m FINE! I’m downstairs!”

MOM: “Oh thank you JESUS! Wait, if it wasn’t you then who….?? It was your Aunt Agnes who died, wasn't it!? I warned her that one of those STDs was going to get her in the end! Oh my poor, dear sister Agnes! Why her!? I warned her that her promiscuous ways would bite her in the butt!”
 
TROLL: “Ma! Aunt Agnes wasn’t promiscuous! She just wore short skirts because she was proud of her legs!”
 
MOM: “I know your aunt had nice legs! I just don't know why she had to wave them about so much!”

TROLL: “Ma! Nobody died!”

MOM: “Oh thank the Lord! Wait, if nobody dies then… Aww, did some lucky girl wrestler catch mama's baby boy's eye? Which lucky girl sent you flowers, huh? You can tell me!”

TROLL: “No, Ma! No girl wrestler sent me flowers!”

MOM: “Well if some ‘girl’ wrestler didn't send you flowers then who.. Oh My GAWD!”

TROLL: “What…? Mom, NO!”

MOM: “It was one of them fellas, wasn’t it!? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Momma still loves her baby boy! So who was it, huh?”

TROLL: “Ma…”
 
MOM: “It had BETTER not be that David boy! I like that he’s a good Christian boy but he has issues!”

TROLL: “Ma…”

MOM: “Not that Fenris, either! He has anger problems, and his legs are too hairy! You’ll get rug burn!”

TROLL: “... Ma!”

MOM: “Oo! You know who you should go out with? That nice Miles boy. He has good 'stuff' back there!”

TROLL: “Ma…!”

MOM: “More cushion’ for the pushin’...”

TROLL: “Ma! I'm NOT gay!”
 
MOM: “Exactly! Who needs labels any more? Gay, straight... let's just all be lovers!”
 
TROLL: “MA! For God's sake!”
 
MOM: “Gabriel Thomas Wank! Don't you take the lord's name in vain in my home God damn it!”

The Troll starts to saw something but freezes and sighs. He takes off his glasses and drops them on his desktop. He grips the sides of the desk with both hands and begins beating his head onto the surface….

BAM! BAM! BAM!

MOM: “Oh for the love of…! Gabriel! Call the plumber! There go those damn pipes again!”

Head down on the desk, he blindly reaches for the power button of his computer and presses it…