“It was always about her… about living up to the superhero I always felt she was to me… from day one, I’ve just wanted to make her proud of me…”

10-31-1991

“Just 30 more minutes mommy…” I pleaded with my mother while I was wearing my Catwoman costume for Halloween. My mother, wearing a batgirl costume for the occasion, let out a sigh as she sat down on the couch. Me, being on a sugar rush, zoomed over to the couch. “Why can’t we get candy for 30 more minutes?”

“I’m tired sweetie…” my mother responded. “...you have school tomorrow too…”

“Aw…” I said, being an obviously disappointed seven-year-old.

“Plus, I have this really bad headache…” she added on, neither of us both knowing at the time it was due to the brain cancer that would kill her in three months time. “There’s always next year… and since Halloween is on a Saturday, you can stay up longer. But, that’s next year. You need to start getting ready for bed…”

“Fine…” I said with a halfhearted sigh. My mother saw the sadness in my face and she got up and went over to a collection of tapes she had.

“You want to watch one of my matches with me?”

My eyes instantly lit up, having become attached to her wrestling career!

“YEAH!” I said with excitement. My mother grabbed the tape and she put it in the VCR. She didn’t realize it at this moment, as I wouldn’t tell her for another few months, but the match she put on was the match that made me want to be a wrestler in the first place. That match was seeing my mother beat Chelle Kramer to win the world title she had been chasing for years. I STILL remember how inspired I felt in my heart, seeing my mom, like this amazing superhero and the best one I can ask for, live her dream. I remember the tears of joy in my eyes, watching her win as my mother hugged me. But what I remember most was the sentence that crossed my mind as I watched her celebrate with her title…

“I wanna do that too…”

“That was me living my dream…” my mother reflected, snapping me out of my thoughts. “I don’t know what you want to be when you grow up sweetheart, but just know that whatever it is, I’m always going to support you and I’m never going to leave you behind…”

“I love you…” I said in response, curling up in her arms. I remember hearing her say “I love you too” while my imagination ran wild on what being a professional wrestler would be like.

I never imagined that this would be the last Halloween that I’d ever have with her…

5-6-2022

“Seeing her climb the mountain inspired me so much to want to do the same thing. Of all the matches of hers I ever watched, it was THAT one that has always stuck with me and has always given me that bar to reach…”

I said this to my cousin Cynthia Rivers through a Zoom call I was having from my hotel room in Greece during a therapy session I was having.

“...I feel as if finally winning that SCW Bombshells World title is going to be when I feel like I’ve finally reached it. Cindy, you know I need this. You know how bad I want this. It’s been an on and off subject for months. I can never feel like I’m the superhero my mother was without that…”

Cindy takes some notes, then catches me off guard when I realize that she’s wearing an expression of concern on her face. I see her review notes from previous sessions we’ve had.

“Is everything okay?” I ask.

“We’ve discussed your mother many times and I’m just looking over notes, reviewing the progress you’ve made since September, reviewing the hurdles you’ve overcome and how much you’ve grown since you hit rock bottom eight months ago and don’t get me wrong, these are all wonderful things.”

“But…”

“Every time you talk about your mother, I feel this… vibe… that she casts a shadow over you. I mean no disrespect. But, you’ve overcome so many things and you’ve grown so much that maybe it’s time to do the one thing you’ve needed to do for years and not decades…”

“You’re scaring me. What are you getting at here?”

“Let me just ask you a question. Throughout your career, have you ever felt as if you’ve ever reached that bar or ever lived up to the superhero vision you’ve always had of your mother?”

I squinted, expressing annoyance on my face.

“Cindy… again, what are you getting at? I feel…”

I paused, feeling my chest tightening.

“...I feel very uncomfortable right now…”

“Is this because you know the answer and you don’t want to say it?”

I sighed with both regret and reluctance.

“I pretty much admitted it earlier without realizing it… that I could never feel that I’ve lived up to my mother without the Bombshells world title. I’ve never reached that bar… or I never felt like I ever have…”

“Don’t you think that’s why you’ve never fully conquered your psychological demons as it pertains to your career?”

Now I was feeling angry…

“...excuse me?”

“Have you ever considered what you just admitted… of never feeling like you’ve lived up to the superhero vision you’ve had of your mother… IS the problem that you have never acknowledged or overcome to be a better person?”

“No, are you fucking kidding me?” I asked, anger increasing in my voice.”

“Cousin, why are you not being honest with yourself?”

“I’ve ALWAYS been honest during EVERY session we’ve ever had. I’ve ALWAYS tried my best to be honest for Kimberly to be the best role model I can be for her and you’re telling me this, you’re calling me a LIAR! WHY in the HELL would you THINK that feeling the way I do regarding my mother is “THE PROBLEM”? How can you say that, CIndy? How could something noble like wanting to replicate what she did and be inspired by her be a BAD THING? It’s RIDICULOUS!”

“It’s not when you consider that you’ve never gotten over her passing…”

For a brief moment, I lost it.

“...FUCK YOURSELF, CINDY!”

"You never got over your mother's death and THAT'S why you feel like you have a standard with her to live up to... THAT'S why you're so driven to be that world champion you've always wanted to be. THAT’S why you USED to beat yourself down and act like the sky is falling after every loss. You’ve never given yourself a chance to heal from her passing. Thirty years later and you’re STILL stuck in her shadow. Maybe that’s why in SCW, you’re ‘always falling short when it matters’.

I clenched my fist for a few seconds, anger seething for a while. My heart sank because it knew that to some degree, Cindy was right. Thinking about my mother’s death in this moment made me feel like that sad, heartbroken little seven-year-old girl I was all over again when I first heard the news. Tears even formed in my eyes.

“I’m sorry…” I said, taking a deep breath. “You’re right. I’ve never gotten over her death. Her death still haunts me. It still destroys me. It still leaves me with the emptiest feeling in the world knowing that I never got to grow up with her. Her death and the fact that my entire career has been based on honoring her memory from day one and making her proud… I don’t want to say it puts so much pressure on me but…”

“If it doesn’t put pressure on you, you’d never have those meltdowns you once did…” she reminds me. It wouldn’t feel like a big match failure feels like you failed her and dishonored her memory, would it?”

I shook my head, agreeing with her.

“You have to start the healing process now…” she adds. “You have become strong enough to heal, to let go, to move on…”

I squinted my teary, glistening eyes.

“You have to face her death and the reality of it… starting with how she died…”

“I know how she died! Single car accident, veered off the highway, crashed into a tree…”

“The autopsy showed she had a brain aneurysm…”

Suddenly, I felt numb.

“...that’s what killed her. She was already dead before she hit the tree…”

“WHY COULDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS YEARS AGO?” I said in a burst of anger.

“You weren’t ready to know the truth… until now…”

I felt like I jumped on a time machine back to that horrible day she died at this point.

“I’m saying this not just as your therapist, but as family. For 30 years, you have been in so much pain… every single day. That pain in your heart is so deep that it’s killing you and you don’t even know it. Have you ever felt like you’ve attained closure from her pasting?”

Through my own tears, I shook my head.

“...I don’t even know what that closure would look like, Cindy. I miss her so much, every single day. My heart has never stopped hurting or yearning for her. I’ve been a little girl with a broken heart for 30 long years. She’s the one piece of my life I wish so much I had. It hurts so bad that she can’t be here. It’s painful for me when I can’t ‘take that final step’ because it feels like I’m letting her down and hell, at one point, it used to make me feel like I was such a failure as a daughter. Gosh, after the second loss to Amber, I was SO broken that I was wishing it was ME that died in that accident either with her or instead of her”

“That’s alarming and I’m SO glad that you’re beyond that line of thinking. Still, if you want to be the best that you can be: as a professional wrestler, as a human being, and most importantly as a mother… you HAVE to let go and move on from her death…”

“DON’T FUCKING TELL ME I HAVE TO LET GO! I CAN’T let go! Not when she’s the inspiration I’ve had for ALL of this!”

The tears started flowing to go along with my anger.

“Don’t FUCKING TELL ME to move on from my mother and to let her go!”

“It’s the ONLY WAY you’re ever going to be the best you can be, Miranda…”

“NO! There HAS to be another way! You can’t tell me to move on! She means EVERYTHING to me and you’re telling me to move on and act like she never existed?”

“I’m not telling you to act that way. I’m telling you that you need to let go of her death because hanging onto that pain is THE biggest reason why you haven’t been SCW Bombshells World Champion yet and why you sometimes struggle with being the right role model for Kimberly…”

“I can’t do this…” I said with a teary anger in my voice as I slammed the laptop shut and cut my session short. I curled up into bed clutching onto the nearest pillow that I could find. My head was spinning in denial.

“I don’t want to let her go…” I thought to myself. “I can’t let her go… especially knowing HOW she died… I can’t… I’ll be a weaker person if I do… if I let her go, what the fuck is going to push me in my wrestling career? How can that quack sit there and tell me that?”

My mind raced for a little while… before I fell asleep…

Next thing I knew, I was standing by a tree stump next to a highway. I was immediately confused. I could hear cars zooming by.

“What’s the matter?” I heard my mother say behind me. I looked at her, saw the cars behind her, took note of the scenery and I widened my eyes in shock knowing exactly where I was.

“...you did NOT just bring me to the very spot that you died…”

My mother had a conflicted look in her eyes, but I immediately snapped into my seven-year-old mode and ran up to hug her. I wanted to hang onto her for as long as I could and I surely didn’t want to let her go. But, she wasn’t returning the hug and this caused me to become confused as I let her go. She maintained that conflicted look in her eyes.

“Mom…”

“The day I worried about has finally come…” she responded, confusing me further. “I knew someday you’d face your final test…”

“...final test?” I said, my voice nearly quivering in denial.

“The day you have to start letting go is here, Miranda…”

I was immediately stunned, hearing this from my own mother.

“Somewhere in you, you know that you can’t become what you are destined to be until you move on and let go of me. You cannot be stubborn about this for another second. You have to face this. That’s why I brought you to the very location that I died. I KNOW this is hard for you, sweetheart. You think this isn’t hard for me too?”

“...how can I let go of the inspiration I’ve had since I was a little girl?” I asked. “How can I move on from the very thing that inspired me to be a professional wrestler in the first place? You’ve always been that motivation for me to be at my very best and now YOU are telling me to move on too?”

“You’ve outgrown that inspiration, sweetheart. I’m disappointed whenever you feel like you’ve disappointed me or that you’ve never met the bar you say I set for you. You’ve LONG exceeded that bar, Miranda… and WAY earlier in your career than you ever want to give yourself credit for. In fact, that bar was exceeded before Kimberly was even born and yet you DON’T want to see that because you want to hang onto me. I’m NOT going to let you hurt yourself this way anymore. In fact, I’ve become a burden to you…”

“...no you haven’t mother…”

“You’re still trying to live up to my career long after you’ve exceeded it and you continue to deny that perspective…”

“I HAVE…” I snapped back at her, uncharacteristically. “...because if I ACCEPT that perspective, then that’d be letting go of you…”

“What is so hard about letting go of me, Miranda?”

“Because NONE OF IT IS FAIR, MOTHER!” I said with an angry passion in my voice. “NONE OF IT! Because you DIED, I had to suffer for the rest of my childhood being mistreated, emotionally abused and psychologically neglected by a piece of shit father that NEVER wanted me in the first place, alright? He took great delight in tormenting me knowing YOU were never going to be able to stop him! You think that’s fucking FAIR? It’s not…”

“Let it out, sweetheart…”

“It’s NOT FAIR that you were taken from me so FUCKING SOON…” I lashed out, as tears flowed down my face. “...we NEVER got to make EasyBake cookies together! You NEVER got to pick out a prom dress for me! You NEVER got to arrange my sweet 16, or fix my hair for a wedding, or go shopping with me at the mall, or teach me how to cook, or god… even help me with me with my stupid senior English thesis for fuck’s sake! You NEVER got to train me to be a wrestler and you NEVER got to live to see my biggest career moments! It’s BULLSHIT, mother! It’s SO UNFAIR that all of those precious little moments I never got to have with you got STOLEN from me!!!!! I’ve had to live with these BURDENS for more than 30 years! You think that’s FAIR? You think I DESERVE that?”

“It’s okay… be angry…”

“You left me WAY too soon and you expect ME to EVER get over that and move on? Honestly, you have no idea how much BITTERNESS I’ve ALWAYS carried with me because you left me too soon? WHY did you have to leave me so soon?”

I sat down on that stump, eyes itching, turning red, my heart destroyed into a million pieces all while I was reliving the emotions I felt the moment I heard she had died again. I was slightly shaking, my emotional breakdown was becoming uncontrollable.

“Life isn’t always fair…”

“Easy for YOU to say, being the one that’s dead! I am horrified to admit this mother, but for the first time, I’m ANGRY at YOU for leaving me too soon! I think of all of the obstacles and personal demons I would’ve never had to deal with at ALL if you didn’t and… I’m sorry… I shouldn’t…”

“It’s OKAY, Miranda! BE ANGRY with me! Tell me how you REALLY feel because this is how you start healing!”

“...I don’t want to fault you for dying, mother. But god, if ONLY you checked out those insufferable migraines WAY sooner than you did and maybe you would’ve caught the brain cancer at stage zero and not stage four…”

“I’m sorry…” she said, surprising me and finally getting me to calm down. “You don’t have to say it because I know that little girl I loved so much… and still do and always will… felt like I let her down.”

“You said you’d always be there for me… why wouldn’t I feel let down? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to act like… like…”

“A brat? It’s okay. That’s your inner child talking. That’s her letting out the pain you’ve made her hold back for decades. I’m so sorry that I left you so soon. And I’m sorry for doing what I’m about to do for you to start the healing process for your own good…”

“...what do you mean?”

On the snap of a finger, a light blinded me. I found myself in the passenger’s seat of a car and I saw my mother driving.

“...Mom, what are you doing?”

She was acting like she wasn’t hearing me.

“Let’s get you the latest news this morning… January 25, 1992…” I heard the radio say, my eyes widening in shock when I realized what was happening. I saw my mother hold the front of her head and scream “OH MY GOD MY HEAD” as if she was in such horrible pain. She tried so hard to focus on the road before she suddenly collapsed on the wheel. The car speed up right through the road heading right toward the barricade.

“MOM! MOM! WAKE UP! Mom, you’re going to crash! MOM!!!!!”

The car crashed through the barricade before speeding right into a tree, immediately breaking it and causing it to collapse right on the roof of her car, immediately shattering the windshield. My heart sank knowing it was hopeless. I knew at this point that she was dead and the most horrifying realization is that I saw it happen and there was virtually nothing I could do to save her. I was seeing some cars stop to observe the situation with someone rushing to a nearby payphone to call the police about what just happened.

Me?

I was shaking. I was in such denial at what I just saw. My nerves were on fire at this point. Police arrived on the scene a few minutes later and I was numb to it all at this point. It was one of the most horrific, gut wrenching feelings I ever experienced knowing that I just witnessed my superhero die. I didn’t have long to soak in what I had witnessed before I was blinded by another white light and I finally woke up…

5-7-2022

My eyes opened and this chill went down my spine. I was still in denial at the nightmare that I just had. I was sweating profusely and I could even feel my own rapid heartbeat. My mouth was dry. My arms were numb. I slowly sat up on my bed and just to add to the cruelty of what I had just dreamt, I had to deal with the irony of having a headache that was quite possibly a migraine. The tears were there when I came to accept that I really DID just experience my mother’s death from a first person perspective.

“Why would she show me that?” I asked in the confusion that was drowning in the shock that I was experiencing right now. “I had to see it for myself, didn’t I?”

Upon realizing this, I began to feel less numb. I wasn’t feeling hot. My heartbeat was slowing down. I felt like I could breathe a little bit better. The confusion was starting to wear off. The tears were still falling.

“You had to see it for yourself for your own good…” I could hear my mother saying to me in my head. The shock began to wear off at this point and after a few minutes, I was in for another surprise… the surprise being that after the shock was wearing off, I wasn’t feeling empty, or hopeless or lonely. I was feeling… okay! Sure, the nightmare I experienced was amazingly jarring and was going to leave a mark. But the irony of it all was despite everything, I knew I was going to be fine.

“My mother is right…” I said to myself. “Cindy is right. My inner child has clung onto my mother for way too long and I am seeing how it’s affecting me. I’m seeing how hanging onto my mother is holding me down. I shouldn’t be angry about her premature death. I should be grateful for the time I DID have with her. I shouldn’t be cursing her and blaming her death and wishing that my personal demons and obstacles never happened. If she never died, I would’ve never had to face them, sure… but I wouldn’t be so strong right now without ever facing them. Instead of wishing things turned out different, I should be grateful that they turned out the way they did. I should recognize how strong I am for overcoming what I have instead of feeling empty and weak because she’s not here anymore.”

I took a deep breath, letting the last of the shock wear off.

“I have to move on. I have to let go of that pain I’ve been experiencing for 30 years. I can’t live by the ‘superhero complex’ I gave her. I have to start healing and I have to start NOW… because at the end of the day? I can no longer burden myself over something I never got to have. How do I let go, heal, move on and be the best that I can be? How do I even start? What should I do?”

After accepting that it was time for me to move on and heal from the death of my mother, I definitely felt better and stronger… even if I didn’t know exactly HOW I was going to make it happen. All I knew at this point was that for the first time in my life, I finally accepted that she was gone and never coming back no matter how much or how long I wanted her to.

I couldn’t focus on replicating the superhero I thought she was…

I now had to figure out how I could be that superhero myself…

All I knew was that acceptance was the first step on finally healing from the one thing that has haunted me my whole life and my entire wrestling career…

Later…

As the camera came on me with the famous Parthenon in the background, I never would have imagined that knowing how my mother died and actually witnessing it in my dream the night before would cause me to heal so much in the immediate aftermath of the experience. And yet, as I gathered my thoughts on how to express what was in my head, I could feel my heart and soul finally begin to heal and that healing that I was experiencing was one of the most empowering feelings I’ve ever had go through me.

“I can’t say I am the most knowledgeable person, but I want to start off by saying that Hygieia might have paid me a visit to help me begin the healing process of something that has been the biggest burden of my life for more than 30 years. She’s a goddess of health for the uninitiated. I’m going to start off by discussing this unbelievable roller coaster I’ve been on since I came to Sin City Wrestling. There have been GREAT times, there have been hard times. The great has outweighed the hard. I’ve learned more about myself here than I have in any other company. I know my flaws and I know that some of the hard times I’ve had here, I’ve brought upon myself just with the way I think. But for a little perspective? For my whole career, up until last fall anyway, I struggled with self-esteem and struggled with confidence here and there. I used to beat myself down and be my own worst enemy all because I tried so desperately hard to live up to the path my mother set before me. I tried so hard to clear a bar that I had cleared years ago yet I was too stubborn to realize it. My mother was my superhero you see… and hanging on to her for so long has ironically made me drag myself down worrying that I disappoint her or that I’m a failure of a daughter to her.

I finally accepted that she’s gone… I finally accepted that I’ve exceeded that bar she set for me. I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that it’s OKAY to let her go and that I shouldn’t be trying to live up to her career anymore. I was scared to move on… but now I’ve started that process and the mark of a true superhero is to know when to make a sacrifice and for me, that’s what that is. I’ve always known deep down inside of me that I was a strong woman with so much heart and potential and yet, this nagging little feeling inside of me always lurked trying to tell me otherwise. Well Roxi? I’ve defeated that feeling now. I can say with CONFIDENCE that you ARE getting the best version of me that you’ve ever gotten, that this company has ever gotten because I KNOW in my heart that if I can face the biggest tragedy I’ve ever had in my life at LAST and FINALLY begin the process of overcoming it once and for all after thirty years of fear, then I can do ANYTHING I set my mind to INCLUDING that world championship that you have now. I SEE things differently, Roxi. I never thought that letting go of someone I love dearly would give me such clarity, but I see things BETTER than I ever have before and this perspective inside of me is making me SO STRONG that I know in my heart that it’s not just a matter of WHEN I win that World Championship, it’s a matter of it happening eight days from now. I don’t need her to be my superhero anymore because what I should be focusing on is being that for my daughter. That perspective, when I think about how strong I’ve become, allows me to see where it all began for me… and Roxi…

…it started with you…

It started the night that you beat me on Climax Control on the road to High Stakes.

I never thought I’d call that loss a GOOD THING, but if it NEVER happened, I would’ve never allowed myself to grow and I would’ve fallen into the same toxic cycle that I fell into after I lost to Amber both times. I HAD to lose that match so that I could FINALLY start growing and I don’t even define my growth by the fact that I’ve only lost ONE match since you beat me, I define my growth by the way I handled that one loss. When I lost in the finals? Yeah, it was crushing for me. I won't lie about that. But I didn’t break down. I didn’t act like the sky was falling. I did not act as if I had to retire.  What losing in the tournament did was light a fire under my ass to push harder and that’s how we’re here, Roxi. I KNOW that by sticking to the fight, NOT collapsing like before and winning that four way, that I’m a stronger woman than EVER… hell, I’ll even go as far as saying that I’m even stronger than you. You may have beaten me before, but the next time we wrestled each other? We drew. It BOTHERED the shit out of you. I SAW you express that on Twitter when you talked about needing to be better and hell, you had EVERY RIGHT to be bothered by that outcome because the truth is? You SHOULD’VE beaten me again and you DIDN’T! I was two weeks removed from Chamber of Extreme and YOU couldn’t beat me. Most wrestlers in my situation lose, but not ME, Roxi. You couldn’t beat me because you were stuck in your own damn head yourself. You didn’t beat me because somewhere in your mind, you were so WORRIED about being put in the back of the line had you lost to me. I remember that match SO well and that match defines so much between you and I and it TELLS ME how I’m stronger than you.

You let it eat at you.

I didn’t.

Just like I did prior to my big rise back to this point, you were the one devastated with a feeling of emptiness after High Stakes. You were the one worrying about ‘back of the line’. You were the one talking about narratives that you had in your head, how you should’ve faced Amber one on one at High Stakes, how it should’ve been YOU winning the world title in the end and more or less, you were acting as if it was unfair that it didn’t turn out the way you did. You think that’s ancient history just because you’ve finally won that title, Roxi? It’s not. Because I know for a fact that all it takes is losing that world title for you to spiral and relapse back into those feelings all over again. You can’t deny it. You can’t diminish it. Imagine it Roxi… ALL of that time… ALL of that hard work you put in… ALL of what you overcame including your biggest personal demon in Roxi… to LOSE the world title in your first Supercard defense? Don’t lie to me. You know that wouldn’t sit well with you. Yet, you want to talk to ME about acting as if it’s not the end of the world if I lose at Into the Void? I have to hear THAT from the same woman that LITERALLY ACTED like losing to Amber at drawing with ME was the end of the world? I have to hear that from the same person that’s complained about ‘one title shot a year’ in the past like it was this big injustice and the end of the world? Like I’ve been TRYING to tell you, I GET IT… but just because I get it doesn’t mean I wholeheartedly agree with it all. I GET that it was about Amber for you, I GET that you wanted to win the title from HER specifically. Yet YOU want to tell me NOT to act like it’s the end of the world if I lose?

YOU… the same person that wasn’t satisfied for MONTHS, who went into our previous one on one encounter… expressed all this fear and worry and bitterness about being ‘forgotten in the grand scheme of things’ which is the most utterly ridiculous thing you can even say at that point… wants to tell ME not to act that way? I’m not sugar coating here, I’m going to call it like it is. It’s utterly fucking ridiculous, Roxi… especially since after I lost in the Blast from the Past finals, I did EXACTLY what you did after High Stakes and that’s push myself HARDER to get to this point and say “hell with this, I’m not letting ANYONE deny me again”. Did I EVER act like losing Blast from the Past was the end of the world? Tell me Roxi. Name ONE fucking time I EVER acted like the sky is falling over Blast from the Past this year. You can’t. You can’t even say that my attitude since then with my ‘not being denied anymore’ mantra is that because if you DID, YOU would be the one looking like a hypocrite, Roxi because THAT is EXACTLY how you behaved after that triple threat loss that devastated you so damn much. YOU were the one going into our last one on one encounter months ago, that made this BIG WHOOP about how our last match was ‘starting over’ for you as if all if the ‘hard work’ you did meant nothing and how losing to me was going to be this ultra, mega devastating setback for you that was going to mean ‘back of the line’ and ‘being passed up’... but you want to LECTURE ME about acting like a loss isn’t the end of the world?

Hell, if I’m not mistaken, I think the match we had is the last significant match you’ve had in SCW that had an outcome that WASN’T a victory so I KNOW that’s not ancient history because you haven’t had to face a loss since High Stakes and honestly? That’s going to be where you’re REALLY going to be tested Roxi because it’s the LOSSES, it’s the SETBACKS, it’s the WALLS that you hit that show the content of your true character and the way I responded to Blast from the Past PROVES that I’m stronger than you because I reacted SO much better to my last loss than you did in yours and yet, you want to walk around here acting like you’ve got it all figured out, that you have me figured out, that you suddenly think you’re going to get the same Myra that you got eight months ago? It’s like you haven’t been paying attention to the way I’ve been since our draw. It’s like you want to stay stuck on this vision of me that you remember because honest to god, we don’t interact very much and we haven’t gotten to know each other on a personal level. It’s like you didn’t pay attention to the fact that after Violent Conduct, I DID do the EXACT same thing YOU expressed worry and fear of…

I DID step back…

I DID start over!

I started from the BOTTOM all over again, the same BOTTOM that I had been put in after Violent Conduct and the same bottom that you kept me in when you beat me. I embraced the challenge of the Chamber of Extreme. I faced Jessie at High Stakes when MOST Bombshells of the same stature that I’m in would hardly give her the time of day because they think they’re ABOVE facing someone like her. I ACCEPTED the same grind that YOU openly put down, rejected, complained about, worried about, going into our last match against each other facing wrestlers like Char Kwan to close out the year, having to face someone like an Adrienne Beaufort on the first Supercard of the new year to CONTINUE to prove myself and to CONTINUE to build myself back up. I ACCEPTED that grind from square one that YOU decided you DIDN’T want to deal with again and I embraced it with flying colors up until the Blast from the Past tournament when I put myself in that conversation for the title again… the same tournament that by the way, you decided NOT to be part of. I don’t know your reasons why you didn’t partake in the tournament, and maybe you had a good reason, but in any case, I took on that challenge of that tournament that you didn’t. And to top it ALL off, I did it under the shadow of a 30 year old pain that I’ve FINALLY started to heal from in the death of my mother that took me an eternity to accept. The fact that I’ve accomplished what I have IN SPITE of that, IN SPITE of my personal demons, conquered and unconquered, in SPITE of the adversity that has been thrown in my way? Not just in Sin City Wrestling, but my whole career? I KNOW that makes me a stronger woman. The fact that I took on that journey from square one you DIDN’T want to take on and made it all the way back to THIS point makes me the stronger woman.

You beat me, and you lit a fire in me… one that I’m afraid is going to come back and burn down your title reign MUCH sooner than you want it to. My perspective changed because of THAT match and THAT match is what pushed me to become the stronger, better person that you are facing at Into the Void. It’s so UNBELIEVABLE that you’re trying to make me PROMISE something like that when you consider that when you beat me before, I DIDN’T act like it was the end of the world then either. YOU of all people should know better than that. You’re so damn busy having tunnel vision about your own journey and being so damn hyper focused on Amber, on the world title, and whoever your opponent is in front of you that you may not even know the Bombshells division that you’re the champion of now that you should. If you DID? Maybe you’d know me better than you actually do. My perspective on everything has changed for the better Roxi and I don’t need to prove that to you, or to anyone else. The only two people I am responsible for proving that to are myself and my daughter. Period!  Nobody knows me better than I do and if you want to stay stuck on the Myra you knew in late 2021, hey be my guest and make winning the world title that much easier for me because you and I both know you have a history of staying stuck in history and not recognizing the growth of another person. Were you NOT the same woman that defended the title against Crystal and LOST to her after you spent like 90 percent of your promo going into that defense worrying so damn much about her past? You didn’t focus on 2020 Crystal, you focused on 2015 Crystal, acting like you were facing THAT version of her and yet, I don’t remember you ever acknowledging that as a mistake. You sure haven’t learned from it considering you’re making the same damn mistake against me.

I’ve gotten to where I am because I have a track record of facing and overcoming my fears, facing and overcoming my demons and being able to show my daughter that you can overcome anything. Yeah, I WANT that damn world title. It’s not even about completing my career resume at this point. It’s not about living up to my mother’s legacy. It’s about my daughter and showing her that you can overcome ANYTHING that is thrown in front of her and showing her that you can accomplish ANYTHING you set your mind to. THAT is why I want that title, Roxi. I made a promise to her that I was going to be the SCW Bombshells World Champion ‘someday’ and ‘someday’ IS Into the Void, there’s no fucking denying that and there’s no denying me! Even if you do win, you’re NOT denying me because I WILL continue to come back stronger and I WILL continue to come back better UNTIL I win that title and fulfill that damn promise to my daughter. I’m NOT staying stuck in 1992 trying to live up to the superhero my mother was to me, I’m FINALLY learning how to be that same superhero, if not a better one, for my daughter!

Into the Void? I SHOW YOU to your face not just how much stronger I’ve become since our last encounter, but how much stronger than YOU I’ve become! You can dispute that all you want to, but your old words and actions don’t lie. YOU are the one with more to lose than I am. YOU are the one that has the pressure on them. YOU are the one that was so fixated on Amber, you never stopped to think about ‘well, what am I going to do when I win that title?’ and it’s THAT lack of perspective, compared to MINE anyway, that’s going to be your BIGGEST downfall! You’re the proverbial frog in the pot of boiling water that doesn’t even know the water is boiling yet, Roxi. You got your fucking wish. You got your match against Amber and you won. Great. Congrats. Come Into the Void, you’re going to experience what a REAL superhero in wrestling does and that’s EMBRACE the journey from square one… not that YOU don’t… just… that I do it BETTER than you do!

When I win that title from you, you’re going to realize that. Sadly for you, ‘superhero’, by the time you do? It’ll already be too late….

3-18-2022

“It all comes down to this…” I thought to myself as I sat on a dock overlooking the Ocean. I was giving myself a break from a gathering that was happening at the beach. Despite knowing that I was leaving for Los Angeles tomorrow, there was no sense of nervousness in me as I looked at my reflection in the water.

“Two more days…” I said out loud. “I’ve rebuilt, overcome and gotten stronger for THIS moment: the Blast from the Past finals. I know in my heart I deserve to be here no matter what anyone else has to say…”

I took a deep breath as I looked into the water. I was replaying the three heartbreaks that had knocked me down.

Last year’s final.

The two Amber losses.

Reliving them only invigorated me. I wasn’t feeling sorry for myself whatsoever.

“There’s a reason why things went for me the way they did last year…” I said with a smile, showing that the heartbreaks weren’t bothering me anymore. “...I HAD to suffer through them. I NEEDED to be tested. In order to become the stronger woman that I’ve become since then, I had to endure three of the most hurtful heartbreakers of my career. I could’ve folded. I didn’t. I passed the test and continued on in my journey. Those losses happened because I was still missing pieces of the puzzle. But, I can confidently say going into the finals this year that the missing pieces ARE in place… and that’s why I DO believe that Max and I WILL win regardless of what anyone else thinks…”

“And yet…” I heard the voice of my best friend Jazmyn Rain say as she sat next to me on the dock. “...there was a point where you wished they never happened…”

“I know…”

“That was the pattern you always had before. You went into those three matches wishing that some of the adversity you endured in places like UWA and Carnage never happened…”

“I’ve fixed that problem…” I said, bringing a smile out of Jazmyn’s face. “Had I been more grateful abo9ut my shortcomings… had I embraced what happened in UWA or accepted what happened in Carnage before, maybe I beat Amber or win the tournament last year. I fell short because I wouldn’t learn my lesson. This time? I have.”

“Myra…” Jazmyn said with a serious expression on her face. “...it wasn’t your time then. I know those failures drive you now. So, I want to test you. Would you change any of those matches? REALLY think about it. Don’t bullshit me.”

I took it in stride, smirking as I looked back at the water.

“What if I won last year’s final?”

Jazmyn and I discussed the question while I saw an alternate reality in the water…

“FUCK YOU RUBY!!!! EAT SHIT!”

I screamed this at the television in an alternate reality that had Mac and I winning the tournament. I saw myself pin her and a smile was on my face.

“That’s what you get for talking all of that shit! Why don’t you take all the crap you said about me and shove it? Fucking BITCH!”

“Myra… really?” Adrianna asked me. “You won Blast from the Past…”

“I KNOW I did but what satisfies me more is the fact that I shut her the hell up!”

Adrianna and Scotty looked at each other, perplexed. Scotty shook his head.

“Myra, I know Ruby said what she said, but don’t run up the score. There is such a thing as being a sore winner and that’s what you’re being right now. If Kimberly saw you acting this way…”

“LOOK, I proved Ruby WRONG, OKAY?” I said, adamantly showing how ungrateful I was for the accomplishment Mac and I had attained. “ I QUIETED critics like her that wanted to bury me and drag me down. I made SURE she regretted saying all those horrible things about me. She and everyone else in the division that wanted to bash me was WRONG. NONE of those bitches EVER had a right to criticize me…”

“You’re acting SO much like an old Myra that I didn’t like…” Adrianna said with a concern in her voice.

“That’s your opinion ADRIANNA!” I said, still showing the anger I was holding on to from Ruby’s words going into the finals. “I’m NOT forgiving her or forgetting about that because that’s FUEL for me to beat down Amber and win that title. Oh I can’t wait to shut HER the fuck up! I can’t wait to make that bitch CRY and feel sorry for herself and hopefully leave SCW because if you remember, she said some empty, nasty bullshit toward me in the semifinals. Did she think I was going to forget that just because I won the tournament? Hell no…”

“It’s OVER with Myra…” Scotty said, trying to plead with me to focus on the positive and not the bitter, angry ego that I was expressing here.

“No… it’s not over until I win that title and KILL all the INFLATED overhype that Amber has surrounding her. Beating Crystal for the title doesn’t make her SHIT…”

I stormed off, leaving Adrianna and Scotty in stunned silence.

3-18-2022

“Yeah… that sounds right…” Jazmyn says with a sigh. “You STILL had that chip on your shoulder then. You wouldn’t have been focused on the accomplishment and the fact that you got a title shot out of it, you would’ve been focused on the fact that you shut people up along the way.”

“Yeah… knowing me…” I said, feeling a bit regretful in my own mind. “God, all these years I’ve been in this business and having that former tendency to take everything said about me so damn personal. I admit, I was so fragile last year. I took some empty comments from Ruby and Amber EXTREMELY personal and at that point, I was fighting for the bruised ego and dismissing the journey that it took to get to the destination because the destination was all I cared about…”

“Myra, as your lifelong best friend, I am going to tell you that losing in the finals last year was good for you…”

“I agree…” I said, delighting Jazmyn.

“If you never lost in the finals, you would’ve ultimately never learned how to let the words of other people roll off your back. You have, in the last six months, and that’s why you’re the best version of yourself that you’ve ever been and someone as hollow as Mikah can’t take that from you.”

“You’re right. Honestly? I chuckled so much at what she said… not just because of how predictable it was, but because words like that don’t get to me anymore.”

“Honestly, when you went on the last Climax Control and allowed those awful words Jaycee and Levana say about you roll right off your back, I was SO proud of you!”

Jazmyn gave me a brief embrace, showing her happiness with my growth.

“Last year, you would’ve ranted and vented played into their crap. But, you didn’t. If you WON last year, you would’ve never had the strength to react so positively!”

“I wouldn’t have. That’s why anything Mac and Mikah have to say about me feels like it doesn’t matter at all…”

“It DOESN’T, Myra. It’s like I told you 14 years ago when you had your huge breakthrough in NSWA… only YOU know your truth. Now, assuming everything else stays the same… imagine… What would it be like if you beat Amber at Summer XXXtreme on your birthday last year?”

Taking her advice, I looked back into the water and imagined an alternate reality where I, not Amber, won at Summer XXXtreme…

“WE’RE SO HAPPY FOR YOU!”

Jazmyn herself was giving me a big embrace as we celebrated my World Championship victory over Amber Ryan inside Adrianna’s hospital room. Scotty hugged me. My daughter wrapped her arms around me and for a brief moment, I was feeling overjoyed.

“I did this for you, sister!” I exclaimed as we hugged each other. “I wish I could’ve done the same with Blast from the Past though…”

“Myra…” Adrianna said with a surprised voice. “You STILL won the world title! That tournament means nothing anymore.”

“Yeah but… did I HAVE to go through the heartbreak of that nonsense with Ruby? Did I HAVE to wait for her token title shot to come and go before I got my shot to shut Amber the fuck up? Honestly, I’m glad that I won the title now but this should’ve happened two months ago. I really wish I had won Blast from the Past so that this would mean so much more…”

“How can you say that, Myra?” Jazmyn asked me. “It was a bump in the road. Why are you still so sore about that?”

“All along, I knew Ruby was a fluke that didn’t deserve it. The fact that she proved me right and has faded to being irrelevant makes that ‘bump in the road’ look even worse. Hell, I wish she was still on the roster so I could get my revenge and shut her up for good. I’ll even put the title at stake… I don’t care. I CAN’T be satisfied with beating Amber until I correct that. But NO, she’s GONE… and she’s ALWAYS going to have that BULLSHIT over me…”

“You are so ungrateful…” Scotty snapped at me. “So it wasn’t the perfect journey. Who cares. What matters is that you STILL have the title…”

“But the other Bombshells are going to degrade me over the tournament and put a huge asterisk on it…”

“Myra… oh my GOD…” Adrianna said with tears in her eyes. “What happened to winning the title for ME? Instead it seems like you are taking your journey for granted. You’ve been through so much, yes. But the obstacles make you STRONGER! How can you dismiss what you’ve been through like that?”

“Winning this title doesn’t change the fact that I should’ve won that tournament and didn’t…” I said, causing a collective sigh to be heard from anyone else. “Ruby will always have that over me and that taints this title win for me… honestly…”

3-18-2022

“You used to be so hard on yourself…” Jazmyn says with a sigh. “...I remember how you didn’t want to celebrate ANYTHING during your Internet title reign because you were stuck on this event that happened in UWA or because you were stuck on that Luciana match from back in PRW…”

“Yeah… I know. I’m truly sorry that you had to see me beat myself down all these years and that I was so stubborn before. I’m sorry that for so many years, I was such a negative person that would allow her failures to define her in the worst way. I know that I hurt you and everyone else by being like that…”

“You did…” Jazmyn acknowledges with a nod. “...but we love you and we’ve forgiven you and we’re so happy to see you become what you are now.”

“Still, back when I was the Internet Champion, I wasn’t enjoying my successes or the title because all I’d do is punish myself for all the times I felt short in previous companies and for all the horrible things I did to other people in GCW. I had this mentality that I wasn’t allowed to be happy with anything. Hell… after Violent Conduct last year… I could’ve easily allowed myself to slip into the bitter, angry darkness I was in back in GCW. I could’ve lost my ability to be happy with anything anymore. I would’ve been so bitter over the Amber losses and treated the Festivus World title as a consolation prize. I could’ve made that choice to be that kind of person but I didn’t.”

“I’m SUPER GLAD that you didn’t go down that road, Myra. Because to be brutally honest… if you HAD gone down that route, you would’ve turned into…”

“Another Amber…” I said, causing Jazmyn to widen her eyes with surprise at the fact that I read her mind. “I would’ve become that wrestler that just took pleasure in putting other people down.  I would’ve been just like her: never grateful, happy or satisfied with anything, living in nothing but pure misery. It’s not worth it…”

“You took the hard road, Myra. You fought back. You jumped right into the Chamber of Extreme. You built yourself all the way back from the bottom and became a better person than ever! Would you be so strong had you beaten Amber at Violent Conduct?”

There was a bit of a sullen feeling knowing what the answer was. However, this didn’t stop me from looking back into the water to conjure up one last alternate reality: me, not Amber, winning at Violent Conduct.

“I WANT TO BEAT HER AGAIN!!!!!”

I was quick to say that to Adrianna while we were at a dinner that celebrated my victory at Violent Conduct.

“Myra, you just went through hell in that exploding barbwire match. Why would you want to face her again?”

“To be honest, I wish I would’ve ended her career for all the nasty shit she said about me…”

Adrianna sighs and shakes her head.

“YOU WILL NEVER BE ENOUGH…” I said with a mocking tone of voice. “Kiss my ass! She’s lucky she’s even breathing after the hell I put her through.

“Why do you NEVER appreciate ANYTHING, Myra? GOD! You nearly killed her! You didn’t have to go to the extremes that you did to win the title. You hospitalized her. She’s out for a long time. You’re the champion! Can’t you be happy with that?”

I shook my head as I let my anger get the better of me.

“I HATE that woman…” I exclaimed without hesitation. “I want to defend against her in a rubber match so I can beat her again, end her career, and shut her up once and for all. I won because I wouldn’t take her shit anymore, simple as that. I’m the top Bombshell in the company like I DESERVE to be and that she NEVER thought I’d become.”

“I know that you had to endure so much of her crap, especially Summer XXXtreme when you feel like you let me down, but I would think that for you, going through that would make THIS victory sweeter for you.”

“It DOESN’T, okay?”

“I know you don’t like the struggle. But, the struggle is part of the journey and…”

“The JOURNEY doesn’t matter, Adrianna! Nobody cares about the hows and the whys and all of that crap. All that matters is the DESTINATION and the fact that I silenced that horrible excuse of a woman! FINALLY! I can’t let her have Summer XXXtreme over me… I just can’t! She never had a right to tell me that I would never be enough…”

“I can’t do this right now…”

I was briefly shocked seeing Adrianna stand up and leave due to the fact that she wanted nothing to do with my attitude about the struggles I endured to beat Amber at Violent Conduct in this alternate reality.

3-18-2022

“The destination was all I cared about.” I admitted to Jazmyn. “I always hated the struggle and heartbreak. I always had a hard time letting go of those. But now? It’s not a huge burden for me anymore…”

Jazmyn grabbed my hand and smiled at me.

“What you did after Violent Conduct: stepping back, embracing every part of who you are, expanding your horizon and taking on new challenges… it was the best career move you ever made.”

“Yeah?” I said, seeing Jazmyn’s eyes light up with joy. She nodded in response.

“I’ve known you all my life, Myra. I’ve seen you start out as this annoying, whiny, impatient, self-absorbed brat that you were as a teenager and through the years of your wrestling journey, mature into a confident, wise, shining bright light that is an inspiration for so many people especially Kimberly. Seeing you grow SO much these last six months has made me so proud of you and so happy to call you the best friend that I will ever have.”

My own eyes lit up hearing this from my best friend.

“”Fourteen years ago, I told you that the words of others didn’t matter… that all that mattered was how you felt about you, not what others felt about you. I told you to BELIEVE in yourself because as long as you did, you would always be capable of climbing mountains so many others told you you couldn’t climb. Fourteen years ago, you learned how to BELIEVE. Now? In front of my very eyes? I’m seeing a woman that has MASTERED the art of believing in herself and her inner truth and who has become so strong that she’ll never let ANYONE define her again because she KNOWS who she is in her heart!”

“Thanks!” I said, as we gave each other an emotional, passionate embrace. The last six months and my amazing growth flashed through my conscience.

“I’m asking you what I asked earlier…” she said as we broke our embrace. “Those three matches? Knowing what you know now and knowing who you were then compared to who you are now? Would you change the outcome of last year’s finals or those two Amber matches?”

“Hell no, I wouldn’t…” I said, causing Jazmyn to smile once more. “I’m grateful for the journey and everyone, especially you, that has been a part of it from day one. I’ve figured out how I’m going to get over that hump in SCW now… and how Max and I WILL be winning that tournament.”

“You’ve got this, Myra! I’m not even going to say ‘good luck’...” she paused as we stood up on the dock. “Because you DON’T need luck! It’s all in here…”

Jazmyn pointed to my heart before she left me alone to reflect on everything…

Later…

“The predictable arrogance of these people…” I said into the camera as I relocated and sat on a cliff overlooking the ocean, taking in the calmness of that with the night sky.

“I KNEW that they were going to try to come after Max and I the same way everyone else we’ve faced has come at us. All they wanted to do was pick at my failures. Really, Mikah, what the hell did you think you were going to accomplish? Did you think you were going to break me? I’ve shrugged it off ALL tournament because to me? You’re just reminding me of events that have made me STRONGER! You see Mikah, I KNOW that I AM the stronger and better woman than you because unlike YOU, I ACKNOWLEDGE my shortcomings. YOU on the other hand, want to paint this picture that you’re PERFECT and that you never stumble and fall. I wear my shortcomings on my sleeve, YOU run from them and want to act like they never happened. In your promo, all you’d talk about was what you’d done before and brag about being the measuring stick you used to be, but you NEVER acknowledged how painful losing that world title three times was. You just want to act like they never happened and run from them and that’s what makes you weaker than me. You don’t know how to be grateful for a fucking thing in this business and you showed that to me when you came out and said that what both of us accomplished doesn’t matter as far as this match… which HEY, way to dismiss your own accomplishments there.

Also? Way to completely contradict yourself later by puffing out your chest and trying to brag to the world that you changed the game, what it meant to be a Bombshell and how you’re still the measuring stick. You’re so IGNORANT that instead of KNOWING what I am all about… which you never could because you don’t have the passion to learn a damn thing about any opponent, you try to throw low hanging fruit at me that everyone else has thrown before and trying to make it seem like because I lost the finals last year, that I’m THAT far beneath you. Yeah, I know you tried to throw the finals in my face and you tried to use that to support your argument that I’m not good enough and that I don’t have what it takes all because I DIDN’T let Mac spear Ruby in the finals. You know what would’ve happened had I done so? We would’ve been disqualified and we would’ve lost anyway… and Mac probably blames me for letting him spear her. You clearly DO live in a DELUSION, Mikah. You’re THE example of ‘do what I say, not as I do’. I mean, you’re talking about how you don’t give a shit about what I said in my past promos yet you’re mocking a past promo regarding what I said about my past failures.

Mock me for them all you want. I’m NOT backing down from what I said because I AM GRATEFUL for EVERY SINGLE STEP OF MY JOURNEY… unlike YOU… who called her own accomplishments useless, who even SAID that she NEVER cared about the world championship. THAT is what gives me ALL the heart and passion in the world to defeat you in this tournament. You spent ALL of your promo TRYING to convince the world that you’re more relevant than I am… despite the evidence to the contrary. But I’M the one that’s BITTER?

No Mikah, that’s YOU!

YOU are the bitter one. You hide it so well, but if you weren’t such a bitter, ungrateful person why are you even wasting time trying to talk yourself up and trying to bring me down? Because you’re the bitter one that doesn’t want to let go of the past. You’re the one that does not want to EVOLVE… you and your ‘fuck change’ mentality. Yeah, way to express another sign of weakness there because at the end of the day, change is inevitable in this business. Times change. People change. Your refusal to change or evolve in any way is exactly why this company has passed you by. Yeah, at one point you did break records and set a new bar for the Bombshells division. But because you’re so BITTER, you refuse to even acknowledge or mention that Alicia Lukas took your bar and raised it and then Amber Ryan took that bar and raised it. By the way, a bitter person doesn’t acknowledge what I just did about Amber. Hell, if I was bitter about my failures, you know exactly what I would be, Mikah? I’d BE YOU! I’d REJECT these failures that I embrace and I would refuse to grow and change at ALL… but I DID because I was BRAVE ENOUGH to face those failures and become an even stronger and better person while you just sit there and just rely on your accomplishments acting like they have the weight that they did four plus years ago when they don’t.

The likes of myself? Amber? Andrea? Hell even Krystal?

We’ve SURPASSED YOU… because throughout our careers here, we EVOLVED and embraced that change and were grateful in some way for the journey ahead to become better wrestlers. You? Hey, if you want to remain complacent and be the same old Mikah, be my guest. You’re NOT the measuring stick anymore and you’re so BITTER and ungrateful that you refuse to even ACKNOWLEDGE that anyone has surpassed you. I, with my 350 day title reign last year, surpassed you. I’ve BEEN more relevant in this company than you have. Any time a new card comes out, there is ALWAYS chatter about ME being a perennial world title contender and being the best Bombshell yet to win a world title and yet, with you? Last I checked, Bombshells in the locker room want to challenge Amber, Roxi, Andrea, hell I’ll put my name on the list. I don’t hear anyone talking about wanting to face you with the exception of Crystal and that list she has. For the most part? Unless we’re talking about the mixed tag division? The Bombshells roster has largely moved on from you because you don’t want to compete in singles matches anymore. If your name holds more weight backstage than mine does, how come I’m being billed as a perennial contender while you, at this point in your career, are seen by the consensus opinion as just another Bombshell on the roster these days?

The worst part is Mikah, you allowed yourself to be that with your passionless, gutless, ungrateful attitude of yours. What you showed me with your prior words is that you are someone that’s devolving into a damn parody of yourself. Someone who fears failure and always runs away from it like you do doesn’t have the right to come at me and mock me for ‘embracing failure’. When you won your third world title, it was just another day for you in the office. You wanted to act like Crystal never beat you for it. It NEVER happened because you have to do whatever you have to do to maintain this delusion that you have that you’re still one of the top Bombshells in the company. You NEVER used your failures to make yourself better because if you HAD? Maybe you grow up and EVOLVE after Dani beats you for the world title and maybe you become a better wrestler but no, we can’t have that because the most ungrateful bitch in SCW history has to act like adversity, obstacles and failure doesn’t exist with her. Why should you be grateful for anything? Losing the title was never a big deal to you. You’ve beaten the ‘Mark Ward’s favorite’ thing to death this whole entire tournament. It’s all about that and adding another accomplishment to your list and that’s it and I KNOW that when Max and I win, you’re not going to learn ANYTHING from this because FUCK CHANGE, right?

You will NEVER admit it being the coward that you are, but I know deep down, you’re worried about me way more than your ego would like to admit. I may not be a psychologist, but if you’re THAT much better than me, why the hell did you feel like you needed to bring up past accomplishments and why did you feel the need to brag about raising the bar? Why did you make such a ridiculous effort to try and bring me down? WHY are you trying to make it seem like I AM nothing? Why did you go out of your way to paint a picture of me that you and I both know isn’t true? Because YOU feel the need to go into this match feeling superior to me, that’s why! It’s an insecurity that reflects on YOU, not me! I want this a hell of a lot more than you do and I’m not letting you take this from me. In all honesty, you’re no different from the basic bitches that I dealt with in the NSWA locker room when I broke in 14 years ago…

You’re no different from that bleach blonde, skinny bitch that called me a ‘dumb Florida moron’ and said that I would never amount to anything.

You’re no different than the coke face wife of the owner that said that I didn’t have what it took to be a champion.

You’re no different from a locker room that did nothing but mock me for my failures and my early rookie struggles who tried to throw those failures in my face over and over again.

You know what I did 14 years ago when faced with the similar nonsense you, Mac, Jaycee, Levana and Todd have thrown at me all tournament? I broke out, I did my thing and I ROSE to the occasion getting the biggest win of my career up to that point literally climbing a ladder in Ceasar’s Palace and getting a title shot briefcase.

Well Sunday? Despite ALL of your negativity toward Max and I and ALL of the cheap shots, and ALL of the bullshit and ALL of this EMPTY NARRATIVE that we don’t deserve to be here or that we don’t deserve to win, history WILL repeat itself for me personally because on Sunday, I WILL rise to the occasion again to get the biggest win of my SCW career up to this point. You don’t have the heart, the courage or the gratitude for your journey to stop me! You, nor ANYONE on this roster EVER gets to define me because I know who I am, I know what I’m about and I know that I can look in the mirror no matter what and sleep at night knowing that these last six months? I HAVE been on the most AMAZING journey possible to grow into the woman I’ve become and the CHAMPION I’m ABOUT to become. I can go to bed at night KNOWING who I am, knowing I am strong enough to face ANY obstacle in front of me and knowing EVERYTHING I’ve learned in the last six months will ALWAYS make me BETTER and STRONGER, than an empty, passionless, lackadaisical, self-absorbed, bitter, delusional, self-loathing person like YOU!

Win or lose, you can’t take that away from me and I KNOW that bothers you because I WAS someone like you who used to LACK appreciation for what it means to be a champion in this business.

Not anymore.

Unlike you, who is all about the destination, I’m GRATEFUL for my journey… through the good and the bad… because I know that the journey, especially the hard times I’ve endured and will endure, is what builds me to my ultimate DESTINY of becoming SCW Bombshells World Champion…”

2-28-2022

I did not know what to expect when I walked back into my home following my return from the last Climax Control. Kimberly was still at school so I had a few hours to myself. Adrianna was right there in front of me with a notebook in her hand.

“Hey…” I greeted.

“Welcome back, sis.” Adrianna said warmly. “Scotty told me to give you this.”

I saw the notebook and I became intrigued.

“He found it in his dad’s stuff and said this was for you to read… alone.”

Adrianna suddenly handed it to me before turning and heading upstairs. I was confused for a few moments with everything happening so fast. I took a breath and I sat down on the couch. I was in for a shock when I opened up the book.

“I recognize this handwriting…” as I saw ‘First Day of Training: 6-5-1975’... and a picture of my mother at the age of 20 below that.

“...this belongs to my mom!”

My eyes widened with shock as I flipped through some pages. I was seeing some entries she had written throughout her wrestling career, but the first one that grabbed my attention was a page with ‘Perseverance’ written at the top.

“There’s sure been plenty of that for me lately…” I said as I began to read aloud from the date of 11-6-1980.

"13 tries now... and I STILL haven't won the CWA World Women's Championship…” I read, and immediately I felt that sympathy.

“I’ve accomplished everything I’ve ever wanted except win that world title. It stings that I just can’t seem to get it done no matter how hard I try. I’ve pushed myself to become a world champion for five years. I really want to be a star… and defend that title all across the country and expand my horizons beyond the South and I just can’t do it without that belt. I used to be worried about never winning that title a few years back, but I’m not thinking like that anymore. This 13th setback isn’t going to kill me. I am DETERMINED AS ALL HELL to do what I got to do and get another shot. The failures are PAINFUL, but I know that all I need to do is win that belt ONE time and the ANGUISH I’ve dealt with for 13 times will disappear. Tonight SUCKS, there’s no erasing that. But, I’m not quitting. I’m heartbroken, but not shattered. Unfortunately… the worst part was seeing that rail-thin supermodel BITCH Chelle Kramer at the bar running it all in…”

As I continued to read aloud this entry, I began to really immerse what I was reading in my thoughts… as if I was seeing her life through my own eyes.

11-6-1980

“I can’t fucking believe this…” my mother said as she walked into a Miami bar. “How many more times am I going to have to deal with falling short when it matters the most before I finally win that title?”

“You’ll get her next time, Trina…” a friend of hers named Becca told her. My mother sighed as I was feeling sadness at her frustration knowing how easy it was to root for her.

“I just wanna punch something…” my mother admits. “That fucking cheater had to hold the damn rope and pay off the fucking reg to beat me. I’m getting so fed up with this. I’m so sick and damn tired of being the ‘best woman in CWA to never win the big one’. That label is an insult to me, Becca. What the fuck else do I gotta do to win that belt and to wipe that smirk off of Chelle’s face?”

My mother heard laughter as Chelle, the champion, walked in with the CWA World title and her entourage behind her.

“Oh HI, TRINA!” Chelle told her in a mocking fashion. “What’s that? You’ve failed THIRTEEN TIMES NOW!”

The vain bitches laughed at my mother and there was anger going through me reading about my mother being picked on.

“Oh HI CHELLE… what’s that? You had to cheat to beat me AGAIN? Hey, cheating ain’t new for you, sweetheart. When are you telling your husband you’ve been sleeping with every referee and the promoter himself behind his back?”

“EXCUSE ME?”

That’s right, mom! Stand up to her!

“You heard me! Listen, I don’t give a fuck if you run me down for ‘never winning the big one’, I AM going to win it…”

“You’ll NEVER be enough, Trina…”

“Shove that ‘never be enough’ crap straight up your ass, crack sniffer!”

“Give it up, Trina! Seriously! Just accept that you’ll never win the big one.”

“I’m NOT giving up on my dream no matter how bad you want me to and I don’t give a fuck about what you think. I know in my heart, I AM better than you and one day, when you’re not cheating and sleeping around, I AM going to show that”

“Not against me, you won’t… you Alabama, backwoods skank…”

“Empty, supercilious, vapid whore"

My mother got decked with a bunch, igniting a barroom fight. “HOLY SHIT” was my thought when I read this part of the page, but I felt so proud of my mother for standing up for herself. She ended the entry by talking about the satisfaction she felt that she busted Chelle’s lip and gave her a black eye even though she spent that night in jail. When I finished the page, I was floored in the best way imaginable…

2-28-2022

“My mom took NO crap…” I said with a laugh. “She had a rebellious streak just like I do. Hell, she went through the same thing I've gone through with the haters, critics and everything... and she didn't take any crap. Like me, she wasn't giving up on her dream. Knowing my mother the way I did, I never got the vibe that she’d give up and quit… and that’s why I can’t and won’t ever quit my dream of becoming the SCW Bombshells World Champion despite the empty, bullshit words of an Amber Ryan, Kate Steele, Todd Williams or whatever Levana Cade might have the nerve to say to me. My mother… stubborn and persistent just like me…”

I smiled at this fact and I was feeling inspired in my heart already when I flipped to the next page and began to read it aloud.

“9-30-1982…

At LAST... after 16 tries and 7 long years, I'm finally the CWA World Women's Champion... and the best part was I won it off that BITCH Chelle Kramer too…”

I paused and smiled reading that aloud and my inspiration to win Blast from the Past and the Bombshells World Championship grew within me.

"A champion stays vigilant and doesn't let anyone tell her 'no'. I wasn't gonna let that little tramp define me. Coked up SKANK! All the years of bullshit I ever dealt with from the day we met! She did everything she could to stay in my way. She insulted my family and I. She even had the nerve to make fun of my father for being diagnosed with cancer! She’s the most mean spirited person I’ve ever met.  This is a brutal ass business... but ya gotta stay strong, keep your head up, persevere... 'cause the day you realize ONE success, your 100 failures are forgotten about…

Whether it’s 15 failures or 100, what MATTERS is the ONE time you get it done. The wait was long, but it was worth it... lord almighty, the happiness I felt today was amazing!”

My mother’s writings began to describe the moment she experienced right after she realized her dream and again, I immersed myself in it…

9-30-1982

Backstage, my mother had clutched her newly won CWA World Women’s Championship and buried her face in the gold. I was experiencing feelings of pure joy when I read about how she shed tears of joy of her own and how she described that it was the greatest feeling in the world she’s ever experienced up to that point in her life.

“Finally…” my mother said, not minding the tears that were streaming across the gold of the title she just won. “For nearly a decade, I busted my ass for this. From the day I walked into that wrestling gym to start my journey, this is what I wanted to do. I endured a lot of manure just to finally get here… Chelle and her nonsense when she cheated me in ‘80, that one title match in ‘78 when I was just a half-second slower in getting out of the cage, my first ever shot in ‘77 when I grabbed the rope to break the pin and the ref missed it…”

I felt that tug in my heartstring reading my mother bring up her past heartbreaks, reminding me FAR too much of my loss in the finals last year and the double whammy to Amber.

“...and none of it means a damn thing anymore, Trina…” my future trainer Scott Lockley said to her as he walked in. “You’re the champ now, as you were always destined to be!”

Of course, reading about my trainer celebrating this with my mother didn’t surprise me.

“Thanks Scott…” my mother said as she stood up to exchange a hug with him.

“It’s only fitting that the best damn women’s wrestler in the South finally has her world title. You’ve had to persevere through so much from other people trying to drag you down, to other people cheating you. Nobody deserves that title more than you do, Trina.”

“Seven long years…” my mother reminded Mr. Lockley, as I felt nothing but pride in my mother seeing her dedication pay off. Reading this inspired me knowing that she overcame heartbreak and that I would someday as well.

“Congratulations Trina…” Chelle said as she walked in. Mr. Lockey was pissed off. “...you won. I was wrong.”

Chelle stared down my mother while she didn’t know what to do at that moment.

“Honestly Trina, you should fuck this bitch up for all the bullshit she put you through for the last seven years.”

Instead, my mother extended her hand.

“Thank you…”

Chelle was surprised, but she shook my mother’s hand and left.

“It’s behind me, Scott…” my mother said and I was so happy on the inside to read about my mother setting a championship-caliber example.

2-28-2022

"That's my mom... always being the bigger person. 16 times? Those horrible losses she went through? It makes my failures in SCW look like a cakewalk in comparison. I've endured so much myself and when I win that world title, it too will be worth it..."

I continued to flip through my mother’s diary and I began to realize that the wrestling-related entries suddenly stopped after November 1983. Written entries were replaced by pictures: those of her being pregnant with me, the moment she held me for the first time, pictures of me as I was growing up, pictures of me being happy with her…

It was heartwarming seeing her diary begin to focus on me. But then I saw the one sentence that wiped away ALL the good feelings I had…

"1-18-1992...Brain cancer. Inoperable. Terminal. 'A short time to live'...”

Suddenly, I began to feel numb.

“Oh no…” I said to myself knowing exactly where she was going.

“For all the persistence and perseverance I’ve shown over my life and my former wrestling career, this is my biggest test of all.” I read aloud. “I don’t want to die…”

“I can’t read this…” I said to myself, feeling that numbness in me grow… “No… mom WOULD want me to read this..”

I continued reading aloud.

“Just when I thought about getting back into the business for my daughter…

But ya know what? I’m not throwing a pity party. However long I got left, I’m going to keep on fighting and keep on living. What I’ve learned from my time in the business is that it ain’t about winning or losing, it’s about fighting until the very end no matter what. My time on earth is running out, but so what? If I’m goin’ down, I am goin’ down swinging! I’m not afraid to die. That’s the one thing I want Miranda to know about my passing… that I wasn’t afraid to go. It PAINS ME more than ANYTHING that I am leaving her behind but I got faith in the Lord above that somehow, someway, she’s gonna be alright. Still…hearing that I was going to die sucked the soul out of me. So much for those ‘innocent migraines’ that I thought were nothin’ for the last 2-3 years…”

My heart was sinking at this point, but I was staying as strong as I could as I read on…

1-18-1992

“Are you SURE there’s no way?” my mother asked her doctor.

“Your tumor is inoperable and even if it was, your cancer has metastasized all over your body. You’ve already celebrated your daughter’s birthday for the last time…”

“Miranda…” my mother lamented with a tearful sigh. “I’m never going to see her grow up…”

Reading about how she said that shattered my heart into pieces. The tears were already coming and a few even fell on the page at this point

“I understand that hearing ‘you are going to die’ is a scary pill to swallow, Mrs. Rivers but…”

“I ain’t scared, doc…” my mother said to him, surprising him. "For however long I got left, I'm living my life to the fullest and I'm going to fight for as long as I can"

“There are medicines that…”

“I don’t want any…” my mother said, surprising him (and me) again. “My little girl told me today her dream was to be a wrestler just like me and I've gotta teach the most precious part of my life that she's gotta be a fighter no matter what. It’s the one thing I’ve gotta do before I go. She’s too young to know what I am going through and if she were to see me with those medicines…”

“She’d know something is wrong…”

“This fight to the end is for my daughter…” she said, as tears of sad determination stroll down her face. “When she grows up, she’s going to know that I never stopped fighting for her and that I was the best mom she could’ve ever wanted. She’s going to know that I was a fighter that wouldn’t quit even when everything seemed bleak and that I set the example for her to be the best she can be the very best way that I could. She’s going to run into a brick wall time and time again, but I’ll make damn sure she remembers me and the example that I set for her so she can know how to break that goddamn wall down every time…”

That’s where my mother’s final diary entry ended and while I was incredibly heartbroken to have read about, and to a certain degree lived through, the moment she realized she was about to die, there was a huge piece of my heart that was on fire because my heart was inspired by the fact that she persevered through the end.

3-2-2022

“Mom…” I said through my tears, lamenting the fact that just one week after she wrote that diary entry, she was gone.  “You sacrificed so much for me. How could I ever forget that? You fought for me and if it wasn’t for that, there’s no way I’d ever realize my dream of being a wrestler. God, if you were here with me right now to see what I’ve become, you’d be so proud of me. I know it’s been more than 30 years, but it still feels unfair that you were taken from me so soon…”

I suddenly lost my grip on that last page and the page suddenly flipped to one more page. This page wasn’t a diary entry… it was a letter…

"To my baby girl Miranda... the brightest light in my world... you'll come across this one day and I have faith that on the day you do, you'll be flying high and at the absolute best part of your wrestlng career…”

“WHAT?” I said in disbelief seeing that my mother wrote one last letter to me before she passed.

“From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry that I couldn’t stay longer for you. To think, I was wanting to unretire from wrestling just so you could watch me compete and so that I could inspire you to live your dream. I know life without me is hard sometimes, but no matter what you go through or how deep the darkness you come across becomes, you have to stay strong and finish the fight no matter how it ends. As you continue your journey, you CANNOT be afraid to fail. Failure is part of wrestling just as much as it is part of life. You are going to fail and I’m sure by the time you read this, you’ll have suffered some heartbreakers just like I did when I was chasing the dream. You gotta persevere and stay persistent sweetheart, no matter what anyone says, no matter what you go through.

ALWAYS BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! Every time you believe, I will be in your heart cheering you on and believing in you too!

Never stop fighting, my angel...

Never!!!

I love you Miranda, and I always will!

With all my eternal love…

Mom"

While I was undoubtedly crying, that fire in me to win the tournament and the world title grew to its strongest point yet. Experiencing the parallels between my mother’s career and my journey and knowing that she kept fighting even as she was dying was inspiring.

Now?

I was more inspired than ever to fight until the end and achieve what I know in my heart is my destiny…

3-4-2022

Here I stood inside of the Las Vegas Convention Center. I not only felt my mother’s presence beside me, but I was also wearing an old “Trina Rivers’ t-shirt from the early eighties with a replica of the CWA World Women’s Championship wrapped around my waist. When the camera came on, I was nothing but determined and inspired. The inspiration my mother provided me was about to shine through in the biggest way imaginable when I expressed my thoughts.

“Two rounds down, two to go. Max and I have gotten it done and ultimately, that’s what matters. However, now comes the semifinals and I am not going to sugarcoat it. Levana and Jaycee ARE going to be the toughest competition that we’ve faced in this tournament so far and that’s fine with me. Just because two hotshot rookies who definitely had good influences taught them along the way as they came up through the ranks eliminated the current world champion and a Hall of Fame member doesn’t mean I should just give up and quit. What? Because Amy’s a Hall of Famer and Levana beat her means I have no right to beat her? Because Amber was eliminated by this team and considering the past I have with her, then I have no business moving on? I call bullshit on that of course. You two… I can sit here and I can dissect your words and what you’ve said to your opponents so far all night long… but that’s not going to do anything for me. I already know you two are going to come in here being SUPER confident just because of the competition you’ve eliminated so far and I can’t blame you both for that. But see, there comes a point where you hit a wall. I know that going forward, the harshest words and the toughest criticisms are going to be thrown my way.

I know this is the part of the tournament where I am going to get flak for being the runner up of last year’s tournament, for losing to Amber twice, and for any predictable excuse that you two can dig up on me to paint this opinionated, false narrative that I can’t get it done when it matters and that I’ll never be good enough because of that. I already know that in some way, shape or form, you’re going to take a few things I’ve said in recent promos and you’re going to try to use that as ‘proof’ to try to drag me down and paint me as unworthy and you know what? FINE! BE that predictable. You want to throw my failures in my face? FINE because I’m NOT going to let ANYONE in this company, especially you two, attempt to define me for my failures because the only one that defines me is me. Yeah, I’ve had my shortcomings in the big moments in SCW and I haven’t gotten to the top YET, but so the fuck what? You want to spend all day throwing that in my face, you’re just wasting your time because my mother, who was a professional wrestler herself, was someone that didn’t win a world championship herself until her 16th try and I’m OKAY with that because what I learned from HER experience is that how long it takes? How many times fall short? It means NOTHING. What TRULY matters is WHEN you get it done and no matter what the fuck happens in this tournament, I am going to get it done and I am going to be the SCW Bombshells World Champion and win or fucking lose, you two do not have ANY sort of power to EVER take that away from me. Yeah, those were some painful heartbreakers but you know what? I wear them on my sleeves as badges of honor because the ONE thing that MOST wrestlers ALWAYS forget in this business is that you can’t succeed without failing first. You two think you’re going to be better than me because of failures that happened last year? Typical young wrestler thinking…

No, I’m going to let you both in on a little secret here that you think is crazy…

My FAILURES from last year, hell not just last year, but from my entire career? They make me BETTER than both of you. What? You’re SHOCKED I’d say such a thing? You two don’t even KNOW what failure in this business is like. I can tell you from experience that it IS a bitter pill to swallow and that’s a bitter pill that you are both going to swallow because your victories so far are going to have both of you sticking your heads up your own asses thinking that you’ve got it ALL figured out. You’re OVERCONFIDENT coming into this match with Max and I. You think just because Max is someone that failed in the first round last year and because he’s trying to make a comeback at his age, that it makes him an easy target. You think just because of my shortcomings, shortcomings that are going to make me a champion someday by the way, that I’m just someone you can run over.

Yeah, think like that all you want. The only people that you are bringing down with your way of thinking are yourselves. Levana wants to go on Twitter and act like I’m this “cheerleader” or whatever the hell she said and act as if my career has been all rainbows and sunshine… noooope… you don’t know the first thing about me, Levana. All you know about me is things that I’ve said on camera and the matches that I've competed in throughout my time in Sin City Wrestling. I’ve ALWAYS been a realist with myself. I have my dreams, I preach my positivity, I go out and I fucking inspire people to be their best, I fight for my daughter every single time I step into that ring just the way my mother used to fight for me when she was alive. I’ve NEVER, not ONCE, had it easy, alright? I’ve fallen down the path of darkness. I’ve seen the world the way you appear to see it. I’ve been that miserable bitch that has taken her insecurities out on others in the past. I’ve had my moments of glory, I’ve had my moments of heartbreak and sure, that makes me flawed as fuck. I’m not perfect and I’ve never pretended that I was. I knew that coming back to this tournament and taking that journey to finish what I started last year was going to be difficult, but I’ve never, EVER believed that it wasn’t possible to win this tournament and I’ve never doubted for a second that Max and I can, and will, win this match. With you two?

You don’t even know what it’s like to fall short. You’ve never had to lick any wounds since you made it to this stage. You’ve never felt the sting of failure… and THAT is what will sink you in the end. You two walk around here acting like winning every single match in front of you is how you’re going to be a champion and everything, but no, that’s not how you’re going to be a champion. You become a champion by persevering through the difficult times. How the hell can you two sit there and say you know anything about perseverance in this business when you’ve yet to experience ANY iota of a difficult time whatsoever? Spoiler, you can’t. You become a champion by getting knocked down and then being persistent enough to get the fuck back up and fight all over again. You two can’t say that you’ve been persistent because you’ve never been knocked down before. Max and I? Yeah, we’ve experienced HELL so many times in our career, yet HE still keeps coming back and I STILL keep fighting. Max and I? Yeah, we’ve been knocked down SO many times, and you may knock us down on Sunday, but does that mean we stop fighting? FUCK NO! Does a victory for your team prove ANYTHING you say about us right? Maybe in your egotistical rookie minds, but in the grand scheme of things? FUCK NO! Because you two don’t define Max and I and you definitely don’t define who we are in this business.

You can knock me the fuck down as many times as you want, and yeah, people are going to mock me for getting knocked down and they are going to prick and poke and prod at me and run up a list of times I’ve been knocked down as their excuse to make up this narrative about me ‘not being able to get it done and never will be able to get it done’, but all I need is ONE fucking moment of glory, ONE fucking SCW Bombshells World Championship and ALL of that shit? ERASED! I am THREE wins away from erasing all of that shit and even if it doesn’t happen here, does that mean it’s never going to happen? FUCK NO! Because just like my mother did when she fought for years to be a world champion and kept falling short OVER and OVER again until her career until she won the big one, I WILL fight to the fucking end no matter what! For better or worse, I will NEVER quit fighting until I achieve MY destiny in this business because if anything? Past failures? They break, destroy and even RETIRE most wrestlers that have ever walked through that door in Sin City Wrestling but for me? They BUILD ME into the champion I’m going to become.., that I’ve been everywhere else I’ve ever wrestled but here.

Would I be this strong, this confident, this determined and this persistent had I won Blast from the Past last year and/or either of the two matches I had against Amber?

No.

Because had I won any of those, I’d be no better than you two because the journey would’ve been too easy for me.

So for you two and for anyone else in this company from Todd Williams and anyone in the Bombshells division, BY ALL MEANS throw my failures in my face… because all you’re doing is reminding me of the building blocks along the way that I’ve had to collect to get to my ultimate goal. Ironically, for all your brash bravado and for your egos taking SO much pride in rubbing the failures of others as you did with your past opponents, the BITCH of the reality coming your way on Sunday, it’s your lack of knowing how to fail and your subsequent lack of knowledge on how to handle it that is going to sink you both in the end. Go ahead, fly high, define me however the fuck you want to define me, but one thing my mother never did was allow any of the enemies she encountered in her life define her…

And like her?

I’ve allowed someone else other than me to define me for the last time! It took Amber knocking me on my ass the second time to FINALLY get it… but unfortunately for you both, I DO get it now.

Either we win, or you both do me a favor and give me another failure to learn from that’s going to build me into a champion. It's a WIN-WIN for me! I got nothing to lose but this match and encountering wrestlers LIKE you throughout my long career? I KNOW that you AREN’T strong enough to have that same mentality. It’s like I learned 14 years ago when I had my big breakthrough moment and everyone under the sun wrote me off as an afterthought:

The WORDS of others don’t matter… but what matters is how I feel about me…

And I feel like I’m a Bombshells World Champion in the making about to enter the peak of my career.

[FADE]

2-8-22

“Set one of the Miami Jr. Tennis Tournament Finals goes to Karen Maher!”

I could only feel sympathy pouring through my heart as Kimberly was coming my way gripping a tennis racket with anger and frustration.

“I’m so sorry, Kimmy…” I said with concern on my face. “You still have two more sets to go. You can still beat Karen!”

“But I NEVER beat her, mommy…” she says with sadness on her face.

“Just give up now KIMBERLY…” the annoying voice of Karen, a girl of similar age to Kimberly, echoes our way. Kimberly gets angrier when Karen gets closer. “...I ALWAYS beat you! This is what? Your third straight time you’re gonna lose to me? You’ll NEVER beat me! You’re a choker just like YOUR MOM!”

“I hate you…” Kimberly says with anger.

“You’ll always be second to me…”

“Shut up…”

"Kimmy's a loser! Kimmy’s a loser!” Karen sings out loud.

“I’ll KICK YOUR ASS!” Kimberly blurts to my shock and Karen’s laughter as she leaves.

“Kimmy, don’t listen to her… it’s okay…” I said to her.

“She’s such a BITCH!”

My jaw dropped in shock hearing those words from my 8-year-old.

“Kimmy! Don’t use that language!”

“Sorry… it’s just… she makes me SO MAD! I always lose to her and I’m so sick of it!”

“This time WILL be different. You are going to win!”

“No I don’t! I never do!”

“Kimmy, remember that tournament I was in last year where that green haired girl was saying all of those horrible things to me?”

Kimberly nods.

“Yeah, she won…”

“I didn’t know it at the time, but I let her. I allowed her empty words to get to me and it cost me that tournament. You are NOT going to let HER empty words cost you what you are capable of, you understand me? Don’t do what I did! Be better than those words! "What happened before doesn't matter, just this game. Remember that? Her words DON’T MATTER!”

“Thanks for the inspiration, mommy! I’ll go tie the match right now!” she says, embracing me

“THAT’S the spirit!” I told her as she ran back onto the court for the second set. I sat down on the bench reflecting on last year’s tournament as I had mentioned it.

“If I didn’t take those STUPID words from Ruby Steele THAT much to heart, Mac and I would’ve won that tournament. I know it. I’m not making that mistake again this year and I'm not letting my little girl make that mistake herself…"

With that, I reflected on my mistake last year…

Last Year…

“It sickens me SO MUCH that some fucking FLASH IN THE PAN like RUBY STEELE gets to be in the finals…” I ranted to Adrianna at the lobby of the Tropicana in Vegas the morning of last year’s finals.

“Don’t let her words get to you so much, sis! They mean nothing.”

“That loudmouth little BITCH only got this far because a second-chance partner in Mark Cross has carried her ass… PERIOD!”

“Myra, don’t focus on her. SHE doesn’t matter. Alright? She’s just saying things to get inside of your head…”

“Who the FUCK does she think she is trying to bury and undercut my Bombshells Internet Championship reign?” I asked with anger, ignoring my sister.

“...she already has…” Adrianna laments with a sigh. “Please! Let it roll off your back…”

“NO! I’ll beat the RESPECT into that BITCH!”

“She’s not WORTH your emotions, Myra!”
“She doesn’t deserve to even BE HERE, let alone WIN the damn thing!” I snapped back. “I’m HUMBLING HER and I don’t give a FUCK what it takes to make that happen! I’m winning this to SHUT HER UP!”

“You’re so screwed…” Adrianna said to me, only angering me further. “...I can’t believe you are making the same mistake AGAIN… the same mistake you ALWAYS do whenever you come so close to something…”

“What the hell are you talking about? Ruby deserves to have respect beaten into her for the way she carries herself acting like she’s someone when she’s nothing but Kate 2.0!”

“I’m talking about letting the words of other people get to your head because you’re feeling SO insecure about yourself! You’re not ready to be world champion in SCW. You did the same thing in Carnage AND in UWA! Get the fuck out of your own head and stop putting so much pressure on yourself. I understand this means everything to you, but quit letting others define you and what you’re capable of. You’re better than that! Trust your abilities that SHE can’t take away from you. I get that Ruby is annoying and you’re probably right about her being undeserving but…

“Honesty, I don’t even care if I break the bitch’s jaw…” I said, much to Adrianna’s shock.

“You don’t get it…” she said as I began to walk away from her.

“How would YOU? You’ve never been a wrestler and you’ve said you’ll never be one…”

I could hear my sister sighing all while not realizing that she was right all along…

"It took me a few tries to get it... but in Orlando recently, I finally did..."

DisneyWorld. Festivus In Florida.

I was seeing my ex-boyfriend and my opponent at the event, Jayson Schneider, in clear view. I was calm as I walked up to him and he smirked when he saw me.

“Well, if it isn’t the GLORIFIED CHOKER…” he said to me with a sneer on his face. “Are you here to drop to your knees to beg me to take you back? You think that’s going to spare you from the TORTURE you’re about to receive?”

I just chuckled at him to his uncomfortable surprise.

“For all of your accolades and everything, it’s HILARIOUS that you’ve only won ONE world title in the last 10 years. Amber Ryan was always right about you, you will NEVER be enough! You’re NEVER going to be a world champion again! And if you thought the sex we used to have was something, just imagine how HARD I am going to fuck you tonight! I’m going to fuck you so hard you’re going to do what you ALWAYS do when you choke: CRY!

Again, I did not react to anything that Jayson was saying. I just smiled at him, causing him to widen his eyes in shock when he realized his mind games were failing.

“I’m going to take what Amber Ryan put you through and make it WORSE! AMBER RYAN! AMBER RYAN! AMBER RYAN! You are AMBER RYAN’S BITCH and you always will be and as long as she is in Sin City Wrestling, you are NEVER going to win the Bombshells title. AMBER RYAN! AMBER RYAN! AMBER RYAN! Hey, maybe after I shatter your spirit, you can go back to SCW and lose to Crystal Hilton too. The Rebellious Vixen DIES tonight and it’ll be ME that kills her. You’re going to go back to your daughter crying about how once again, Amber was right and you WILL NEVER… BE…. ENOUGH!”

“Are you done?” I asked him, causing his jaw to drop. He couldn’t believe that I wasn’t flinching. “Jay, you’re not getting inside of my head. You’ve said some AWFUL things about my career and my life and you’ve tried so hard to end it many times. You’re not important to me anymore and after you go through the table, you won’t even exist to me.”

I walked by him and I could FEEL how stunned he was that he could not break me down like he had before…

"Meaningless words didn’t get to me in Orlando and in the Blast from the Past tournament, they aren't getting to me this year... I'm way stronger this time around…”

Present Day

“What did I tell you?” I said to my daughter as she came back toward me. My daughter was smiling.

“That’s the first time I’ve even won a set against her!”

“One more, Kimmy! You’ve got this. Look at her…”

Both of us were looking at Karen who was stunned and completely out of it.

“You’ve got her! She’s already acting like she’s lost. I’ve seen that facial expression many times in the face of my opponents when they realize they’re about to lose. She did not expect you to force the deciding set. Let me ask you something. Do you think you can beat her now?”

“I KNOW I can beat her, mom! I KNOW I can!”

Kimberly’s confidence brought a bright smile to my face.

“YES! Kimmy, just the POWER of KNOWING you’ve got someone beat is one of the most AMAZING feelings in the world. On the contrary, the opposite knowledge of feeling like you’re beat…”

“Like my last two matches against her…”

“Exactly! It’s the worst feeling ever. Doubting and questioning herself is the WORST! Look at Karen! What she’s feeling right now is how I felt going into Violent Conduct against Amber when I was afraid that I lost to her before the bell run. DON’T be that feeling! OWN the moment! When I won the Festivus World title, on the other hand, I KNEW I was going to win! Be like ME when I won that title, Kimmy. You are in control! You’ve got this! Win this! I believe in you baby girl!”

“Did you doubt for a second you were going to win that battle royal?”

“NO! Are you doubting yourself now?”

“No…”

“GOOD! You’re on the right track! As soon as I beat Jayson, I knew I was winning the battle royal. You know you can beat Karen in a set. Do it again and do what I did in Orlando, okay? This is your moment!”

“Yeah! This is my moment… like you with the battle royal…”

“Finish this Kimmy and make this moment yours!”

I kissed her on the forehead as she confidently walked back onto the tennis court with the body language of the champion that I knew she was about to become while reflecting on my journey as well…


"Both in the finals of the tournament and my matches against Amber... I let the moment own me... I got too intimidated…” I admitted to myself internally, reflecting further…

9-12-2021

3:20 AM

On the morning of Violent Conduct, anxiety was drowning me. I had my journal out while I was sitting up on my bed writing some unpleasant, unwelcome thoughts…

“I feel like everything is caving on me…” I admitted in writing. “...this is my last chance against Amber. Failing last time, on my own birthday, I’m not over it. How can I be over it when I dedicated the first match to Adrianna and I lost? How can I be over it when I’m always ‘so close, yet so far’? What if I really can’t beat Amber? How am I going to survive feeling like this? If I lose, I go to the back of the line. I can’t afford that. Is the spotlight too much for me? Am I always meant to be second best? Am I really never going to be enough?”

I angrily tore out the page, ripped it in half and tossed it in the trash. Those horrible thoughts continued to persist in my head at this point

“I can’t get this awful feeling in my gut that I’m not going to win tonight. Maybe Amber is just too good for me. I just admitted in my journal that I’m not even over Summer XXXtreme. I already know that my confidence isn’t even a hundred percent. I know that the crap that Amber said to me is a lie, and yet there’s this annoying little thing in my head wondering if they’re actually true. I can’t afford to lose tonight, but it just feels like its inevitable. Maybe the Internet Championship is as good as I’ll ever have… maybe I’m destined to never be world champion again and I’m just around to be Amber Ryan’s bitch. It should’ve happened at Summer XXXtreme… it didn’t. Why would it happen now? The only destiny I’m ever going to have in wrestling anymore is heartbreak and misery…

I should just accept it…

I’m not good enough to beat her on that grand stage where everything is on the line and I never will be…”

My anxiety kept me up the rest of the night and of course, losing to Amber again was a self-fulfilling prophecy at that point…

“I had no faith in myself EITHER time I faced Amber and I let the spotlight swallow me whole. I finally realized that’s why I was always ‘so close, yet so far, always second best, always in that position of ‘never being enough’. But I finally learned and grew. Going into the Festivus world title match... it was a whole different story. I KNEW that moment was mine…

12-30-2021

I had invited Andrea Hernandez and Chelsea LeClair, my two proteges, over for a special breakfast. I was already feeling like I was about to become a world champion that day and as we all finished our food that marked this special ‘Utopia reunion celebration’, I felt this AMAZING feeling of warmth pour through my soul.

“That was an amazing win you got last night, Myra…” Chelsea said with a smile.

“That was pretty neat. I mean, helping you put that son of a bitch through the table after all the crap he put you through for years…” Andrea added.

“I definitely felt so much vindication last night…” I admitted to my proteges. “So many of my career confidence issues are really because of him and I feel like I have defeated the source of so many of my demons.”

“He didn’t even affect you at ALL…” Chelsea said with astonishment.

“For years, I let other people like him, Amber and Ruby Steele define my destiny with such vapid emptiness…” I admitted. “Ever since I became the Rebellious Vixen again, I’ve done all in my POWER to GET that fucking power back! I REMEMBERED that the Rebellious Vixen never let ANYONE define her or deny her and TONIGHT, NOBODY is denying me that Festivus World title…”

“Um… I’m in the match too…” Chelsea reminded me.

“Sorry Chelsea…” I said with a chuckle. “But the Myra that always doubted herself in big match situation, like my duology with Amber and last year in the Blast from the Past Finals…is DEAD. Nothing personal against you and I love what you do, but I KNOW I am becoming a five-time world champion tonight.”

“How bold…” Andrea said with a scoff… “...especially since that BITCH Victoria denied me a spot in my match and you and I both know that I’d push you to the fucking limit…”

 "Andrea, you and I both know that you’ve got to be bold to get to that next level” I paused, feeling my motivation pour through my spirit. “I've finally overcome all the demons that held me back before and I feel the strongest I've been since that Vegas ladder match years ago where I had my big breakthrough moment. Today, like then, I'm climbing that ladder to achieve MY destiny..."

Chelsea was looking intimidated.

“Good luck, Chelsea. Nothing personal. But tonight? I feel like I’m about to do something AMAZING!”

Just like Violent Conduct, winning that Festivus World Championship was a self-fulfilling prophecy… but a FAR more positive one.

All it took was fully believing in myself again…

"That's how things will be different this year... I'm going to OWN the moment AND this tournament... and nobody's going to take that control away from me..."

Present Day

“I DID IT! I DID IT!!!!” Kimberly exclaimed with joy as she came back in my direction with the trophy that she had won for winning the Junior Indoor Tennis tournament against Karen. She put the trophy down in front of me and we exchanged a huge hug. Happiness was really going through me and I couldn’t help but have tears of joy in my eyes seeing my daughter become a champion in her own right.

“I’m so proud of you…” I said, as I held her closer and tighter. “That is how you become a champion, Kimmy: you went in there and you owned that moment. You didn’t let Karen get inside of your head and you defined your own truth. You stood up to her like a champion, you owned that moment, and you controlled your own destiny! There is no greater joy as a mother to know that my baby girl is already growing up so much! I’m going to regret saying this, but the woman you are going to become is someone I can’t wait to meet…”

“Thank you for being my inspiration, mommy!” Kimberly said as we broke our embrace and she picked up her trophy. “I wouldn’t have done it without you.”

“No, thank YOU for being mine… every single day, every single match…” I said with a smile. I know exactly how I'm winning that tournament this time. You showed me… and for that… we’re getting some ice cream! Come on, let’s go celebrate!"

Kimberly held onto her trophy and I had an arm around her as we left the tennis facility and continued to have that inspirational, mother-daughter bonding moment that was my guidance for making things right for this year’s Blast from the Past tournament…

2-11-2022

Adrianna and I were standing in front of the camera at a junkyard on the outskirts of Las Vegas. There was a garbage can that was set on fire while Adrianna held onto a tape. Inside, I was feeling incredibly happy. Last year’s disappointment in the finals of the Blast from the Past tournament? What disappointment? My heart was fluttering with freedom long realizing that last year’s failure did not define me or my SCW career as a whole as I began to express my thoughts.

“Fire… it represents so many things. Fire can erase the bad memories. What my sister has is a tape of last year’s Blast from the Past finals. Every time I’ve come so close yet so far, i’ve let it bother me and it takes me an eternity to get over it. But this time? I’m breaking that cycle. Adri?”

Adrianna dumps the tape of last year’s finals in the fire.

“Does that make it clear enough for you? I’m NOT affected by last year’s outcome and I’m damn sure not going to allow the empty words of other people bother me and bring me down in the tournament this year the way I let it happen in the finals! I haven’t even WRESTLED in this tournament yet and they’re already coming… looking at YOU Mac “Mikah is an upgrade over Myra in every way” Bane! This FIRE represents the ABILITY that I have in me to take empty words like that and past disappointments and just let them burn into the ether. This represents the PASSION flowing through me that allowed me to push past the disappointment and to become a stronger wrestler than ever. The fact is, last year? I wasn’t even THE best version of myself and I made it to the finals and THAT is a SUCCESS to me. THIS year though? This FIRE represents the HUNGER that I have to win this and I am STOKED to have an equally determined partner by my side in Max Burke. You talk about POTENTIAL with this team and I see it there, but potential can only go so far. Potential doesn’t mean SHIT if you don’t OWN THE MOMENT and THAT, I will admit, was my mistake last year. I didn’t own the moment. I allowed the pressure and the empty words of a flash in the pan get to me. But this year? I AM owning that moment. This is OUR tournament to win and I will stake that claim against ANY team that’s there. I’m in this tournament to own the moment, but can you say the same about our opponents? No. Miles and Audrey are great at what they do and everything, but the fact of the matter is, this moment is too big for them.

I know, bold thing to say. But I know Miles is a guy that hasn’t found his way yet. How can he be confident in winning this tournament if he isn’t even fully confident in himself? We’re talking about a guy that admittedly joined Wolfslair to ‘work on his shortcomings’. Miles, you are just like Wolfslair lately, you haven’t ‘owned the moment’. Last time we saw you, SuMa defeated you. You had a SIMILAR opportunity at High Stakes when you were in that four way for a title shot against Alex Jones that Mac himself ended up winning and you couldn’t get it done there. You see Miles, you are coming into this tournament feeling the NEED to validate yourself to other people. I’ve seen you talk about putting people on notice and just THAT indicates the lack of confidence that is going to cost you in this tournament. I’m not pulling this out of my ass, ‘pretty boy’, because THAT was ME last year. I felt the need to validate myself over a past I should’ve gotten over. Even though Max hasn’t been in the game, his work in SCU DOES make him more prepared for this than you… and I TRUST he’s going to take care of you.

But that’s Milo, let’s talk about YOU, Audrey.

You seem like a nice girl and all. You remind me of me in some good ways. You’re determined to go out there and be a champion. Like me, you’ve got a daughter that you fight for and want the best for and that daughter serves as your inspiration. Yet, when I look at you, you know what I also see? I see ME from last year. Sure, that CAN be a good thing Audrey considering that the ME from 2021 WAS a 350 day Bombshells Internet Champion, but… I’m not saying this as a good thing. Where I was psychologically before I discovered the Rebellious Vixen again was someone that was doubting herself in the big moments and letting anyone else define her and making her feel insecure. I’ve seen that in YOU in the little that I know about you. You fought Bella in APEX recently, right? Their Twitter was promoting her and YOU didn’t like it. YOU didn’t think she deserved that. Sure, you beat Bella in that match, but I see weakness with how you went about it. You want to be a big deal in this business, you don’t worry about the hype your opponents get, you worry about YOU. I don’t know what got into you, but you had this awkward moment where you described Bella as ‘kind of a bitch’ all while saying until you were blue in the face why you felt she was overrated and protected and while you were complaining that APEX management sung your praises and that Sierra Williams considered her a contender. You did what you had to do and you won a spot in their big chamber match…

So you’d take that and express confidence in yourself for this tournament, right?

WRONG!

While I am OWNING the moment, you’ve ALREADY let the moment OWN YOU! I made that mistake last year, but you’ve come into this tournament having already lost because I saw some words that you had going into an APEX episode a few weeks ago when you were teaming with Sierra and I saw you openly, on camera, ADMIT that you didn’t even KNOW why you signed up for this tournament and even hinted that it may have been Bella saying something about you being “stagnant”. I heard that from you and it makes me wonder if you even WANT to be in this tournament or if you even have the DETERMINATION to compete in it. I hope you’re not HALF-ASSING this just because you may have decided to be part of this tournament ‘on a whim’. That doesn’t fly, Audrey… and to be perfectly honest, that kind of attitude is generally something that rubs off on you from family influence. Perhaps this type of attitude you’ve had about the tournament going into your last APEX match the reason why you’re generally known for tag success and not singles success? Perhaps it’s the reason why for as BIG as the Russow name is in this business why a Russow has only been a champion ONCE in Sin CIty Wrestling and it was only a two month reign by Jack at that? I know the Russow name is a big deal in APEX, but this is SCW! With all due respect to APEX, success there doesn’t translate to success here as Bella Madison herself, you know, the person you had SUCH a big problem with before you beat her, can attest to.

Levi and Jack aren’t necessarily known for ‘owning the moment’ in SCW, so what makes you think YOU will be different? You’re a strong person, Audrey, but the thing that holds you back is that you have yet to prove that you can be at your strongest. You’ve had your chances in APEX to prove that you can be more than a tag team competitor but the reason why you haven’t is because you don’t have the focus that I’ve grown over the years to be a big match competitor. For instance, in APEX, did you not lose to Mike Hawk recently because your arch nemesis in Heather Haze created a distraction for you? You’ve got to STAY focused no matter what the odds are against you and I question if you have the capability to do that yet. I understand that losing a title match is a heartbreaker, but while you were taking breaks following the loss of your tag team titles, I suffered two DEVASTATING losses to Amber Ryan and I STILL came back stronger. Can YOU even say that you’ve done that? I WANT to say that you have or that you’re on your way to doing so, but when I watch what you say on camera and when I studied footage of you from APEX, I get the sense that you’re just too burdened of a wrestler to reach the potential that you are capable of. I get that you have so much going on. I totally understand that family comes first and that your daughter had surgery recently. Last year, my sister ended up in a life threatening accident and I STILL fought for her… and I’m so happy she’s standing beside me by the way…

When it comes to adversity and pushing through life’s curveballs, I KNOW I am stronger than you at doing so. I take a swing for the fences with those curveballs while you have more of a swing and miss track record. You seem to be the girl that collapses when there’s too much going on around you and I’m not judging you for that because I used to be the same way. You, like me last year, allow just about any nagging little thing to get to you.

On potential alone, you do remind me of a younger me.

But in terms of knowing how to win and learning how to overcome adversity? You’re not in that league just yet. I come into this thing STRONGER after EVERYTHING that I’ve been through last year. While you don’t even KNOW why you’re in this tournament at all, I am in this to win this! I am in this to be one step closer to achieving MY destiny of becoming the SCW Bombshells World Champion! This moment this year belongs to Max and it belongs to ME and I am OWNING IT this time because I am NOT going to allow ANYONE to deny or define me ever again. I am going to take that label of ‘best in SCW that’s never won a world title’ and I’m going to BURN that label into dust! I HATE that it has to come at your expense because you DO seem like someone that I would LOVE to take under my wing and mentor to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be, but that’s the way it is in this business. I suppose it's only fitting that to advance to where I hunger to be, I have to beat someone that reminds me of the version of myself that I was last year. Not to say that you, or last year’s Myra Rivers was weak or anything, because I know at heart based on what I’ve seen you do that you’re NOT weak…

But just like me last year when I was going through this tournament and my Amber double heartbreak, you’re strong and you’re capable, but unfortunately, you’re not strong enough yet.

Me? I KNOW I am! I KNOW how tough this tournament is and knowing what I was able to accomplish IN SPITE of my shortcomings, I know in my heart that I can win this tournament and become world champion with those shortcomings and old burdens taken care of. I HOPE after this experience, you become smart and strong enough to start overcoming that is keeping you from being the best you can be.

This year? The Rebellious Vixen not only owns the moment, but she owns HER moment and I know that’s going to ruffle some feathers and bruise some egos but I don’t care! Miles, Audrey, as good as you both are, you lack the wisdom, experience and the knowledge of top-tier success that we have to advance past us… and that’s what makes me confident that we’re moving on this Sunday and I get one step closer to my destiny of becoming the SCW Bombshells World Champion I’ve ALWAYS been capable of becoming!"

“I didn’t rest on my laurels following my win over Char Kwan. I went to Colorado and I got some extra training from Kim Pain, an associate of Kat Jones, Mac Bane among others… all for ONE LAST CHANCE at a world championship in 2021…”

Festivus In Florida 2

12/29/2021

I began to reflect on the tables match I had on night one of Victoria Salinas’s supercard event against my ex-boyfriend Jayson Schneider, remembering this match and the crap I heard from him going in through my internal thoughts…

“I’m going to end your career. You are worthless. SCW should not employ you on their roster. You will never be a world champion again. You will always be the so close yet so far bitch…”

“Throughout the match, he tried to fill my head with these lies over and over again. Did I waver? No. I wasn’t going to let him beat me or be a part of my life any longer! My trainer, Scott Lockley, always reminded me that I should always stay strong in the face of adversity.”

I reflected on the moment where I dove off the top rope and gave Jayson a somersault cutter from the top rope right through a flaming table.

“Suddenly, I found myself ONE WIN AWAY from a world championship! Now, I had to go through 14 other women in both a battle royal and a Tables, Ladders and Chairs match should I survive to the final two in order to get the world championship I had starved for, for so long.”

12/30/2021

I remembered the end of the battle royal phase where Ryleigh Ruin eliminated someone else, leaving her and I as the final two in the Tables, Ladders and Chairs match.

“I can do this…” I thought to myself. “I KNOW I can do this! Remember what Amber Ryan kept telling you this past summer… remember how she told you that you will never be enough, remember all those horrible, nasty things she said about you that nearly drove you out of this business… take out all of that bitterness, that anger, that frustration out on this BITCH and show her what being a world champion is ALL ABOUT!”

I was hurting badly during that match. Ryleigh targeted my ankle constantly. There were moments during the match where it seemed like I was about to lose. But never for even a nanosecond did I feel like I was in danger of losing. Ryleigh was a therapeutic opponent for me considering how similar she was to Amber: loved to talk a bunch of shit, loved to bring people down to feel better about herself, and willing to be as violent as possible to win. For me, beating her and winning this world title wasn’t just about getting that world title I fell short of winning in SCW, but it was a therapeutic healing I needed. Mr. Lockley taught me so much about silencing the critics.

The joy poured through me when I grabbed the FESTIVUS World Championship from the rafters and dropped down to the mat. But my journey wasn’t over yet…

“YOU DON’T DESERVE IT!” Victoria Salinas would tell me repeatedly as she assaulted me after the match and abused her power on her own show to force me to defend the world title I won against her right then and there, after I had gone through hell. “Fuck you, I DO deserve it” was my thought process as a few wrestlers rebelled against her and I recovered, also remembering what my trainer had told me about how I define me…


“Nobody else writes your story but you…” he’d say.

And when I recovered thanks to help from the uprising against Victoria, I would nail her with the Rebel Bomb, get the three count and keep the world championship I had just won. I closed the two night event in Orlando, and 2021, as a world champion.

I will NEVER forget the joy that flowed through me when I came to terms with what I had accomplished. I had endured two nights and four different matches each with a varying degree of hell attached to it to become a world champion! Backstage, the joy was amazing!

“I love you so much…” Adrianna said to me when we exchanged a huge embrace. I wasn’t crying, but she was. She, more than most, knew the pain that I had to endure for years to achieve this moment. “I never doubted you for a second. What you did out there wasn’t just the Rebellious Vixen doing what she’d done for years, it was an EVOLUTION!”

“This is just the beginning…” I was quick to remind my sister! Our conversation didn’t last too long without more familiar faces jumping in.

“You’re damn right it’s just the beginning…” I heard my best friend Jazmyn Rain say as we exchanged a hug and she told me ‘congratulations’.

“That was so INSPIRING!” Chelsea LeClair, my former protege, said to me as we exchanged a hug as well. “I’m so lucky and so blessed to have been mentored by someone like you. If anyone deserves this, it’s YOU!”

The joy within me really got me to smile the widest that I had in years. Years of pain, mostly psychological, some of it self-inflicted, began to melt off of me.

It was an overjoyed feeling to FINALLY get over the hump and NOT be that “so close, yet so far” wrestler I had been dating back to my awful experiences in UWA. Yet, there was this pull in my heart that was also telling me that this was just a preview of my destiny to come in SCW…

“Now that I know I can win a world championship the right way, it’s time to do the same in 2022! There’s not a woman on that roster that is going to stop me! It’s time for the Rebellious Vixen to shine the brightest she ever has in her career…”

New Year’s Day

Just a couple of days removed from my world championship victory at Festivus in Florida, I took a trip to the one place where it all began for me: the Lockley Wrestling Institute… or what was left anyway. The gym and the ring were still in good shape but my old wrestling school was largely in disrepair otherwise. I was inside of the training ring kneeling down in the center of it. Memories of my training and my beginnings were flooding my thoughts. I had the Festivus World Championship laid out in front of me and as I looked at my reflection in the newly won title, I saw myself at the young age of 18 busting my ass and training as hard as I could to break into the mainstream. I saw Lockley coach me, mentor me, teach me and encourage me to be great. I reflected on the day that I left his school for good and the best advice he ever gave me…

“The best way to be successful in this business is to be you…” I said out loud, remembering those words loud and clear. I looked up at the ceiling and the sky at this point. “I will never forget that you taught me that.”

I took a deep breath before I began to talk to my late trainer in spirit.

“This world championship that I won is because of you and I will never stop appreciating what you did for me. I won this world title the other night because I was ME! I didn’t pretend to be anything else. I didn’t feel the need to fake anything. What the fans saw at Festivus in Florida was me at my absolute best and in my purest form… what YOU helped me find when you were training me. Gosh, 2021 had its ups and downs. I had my 350 day title reign in SCW. But when Adrianna’s accident happened, the year really turned upside down. It was set up perfectly for me to win the world title on my BIRTHDAY, for HER… and I didn’t. It crushed me… and Violent Conduct was worse. I remember when I wanted to quit after that, but the piece of you that’s in my heart wouldn’t let me do that and I am so grateful that you didn’t let me quit. I’m grateful as hell that you pushed me to keep going after that frustrating loss to Roxi. I’m so thankful that you helped me find the Rebellious Vixen again…”

I took a pause and a deep breath, going through my sentimental feelings toward my trainer and father figure as I looked down at the world title. My heart was filling up with pure emotion at this point.

“Your teachings pulled me through the absolute worst. I would’ve never been able to get over Amber Ryan if it wasn’t for you. I’m going to tell you something Scott…”

I paused and picked the Festivus world title off the mat, placing it on my lap.

“...when I touched this championship for the first time and when I realized it was going to be mine, after my mother, you were the first person that I thought about. You were the person that I wanted to make proud…”

The emotions in my heart were starting to pour through me. When I remembered that this was the first world title I had won after he had passed on and that he died while I was being the most evil bitch in the business and cheating my way toward my previous world title, my eyes started to glisten. I was still happy, but guilt was beginning to enter my heart as well.

“This is what you wanted for me…” I said as tears started to stream down my face. “...to shine at my brightest one more time before you died… and you never got to see that because I was too busy being such a horrible person in GCW and winning their Global title by dirty tricks and cheating my way to it. You even DIED on the day I won THAT title and ever since I found out you had died, I’ve felt so HORRIBLE and GUILTY about it. You died being SO disappointed in me…”

I was starting to lose it a little bit more at this point as the tears started to flow faster. I was starting to feel my heart break knowing that he couldn’t be alive to see what I had accomplished at Festivus in Florida 2.

“I’m HAPPY that I managed to win a world title the right way, but I’m so heartbroken that you couldn’t live to see it. I wish you were there, Scott. You were like my dad to me! I wish that you would be here right now and we’d be having a celebration, having a drink or two, and talking about how far I’ve come and how proud of me you are. I wish we could laugh and smile and talk about how the best is coming for me. I wish you could be here for me to encourage me to keep being at my best and to tell me how much you believe in me. God, I’m going into a big year in SCW right now and I’ve got so much I want to do. I want that World title there SO BAD after that double heartbreak with Amber. I SO wish you could be here on this journey I’m about to embark on because while I’m confident, I’m also scared of failing and letting you down again. This journey I’m about to begin called 2022 would’ve been a GREAT time for you to be here. What if I come up empty in 2022? What if I go into Inception and some unexpected setback happens? NO… HELL NO! You would NEVER want me to think like that… especially after I just won this world title. 2022 will be different for ONE BIG REASON: because I go into it having the ONE thing that I NEVER had any year before: the knowledge of what it means to be a champion through everything you ever taught me…”

“My father would’ve been happy to see you come around just now…” I heard the voice of his son, Scott Lockley Jr., say. I quickly dried my eyes to see him standing by the ring apron while a part of me was feeling embarrassed.

“How much of that did you hear, Scotty?”

“Pretty much everything,” he said with a soft sigh. “I know that my father and you meant the world to each other and it’s quite satisfying to see that you want to honor him after you won that world title through all the adversity you had to deal with not just at the event, but the whole year. Mind if I join you there?”

I shook my head and Scotty entered the ring with me.

“Miranda…” he began, causing me to stand up and pick up my title to look at him more directly while knowing that the usage of my full first name meant something serious was about to be said. “... don’t you dare regret that he’s not here physically. You and I both know that if he were still alive, he would be incredibly proud of you. In fact, with how far you have come in the last few months, it concerns me that you still regret the fact that my father died while you were going through a hard time in GCW so to speak, especially now that you won your fifth world title.”

‘I was… having a moment…” I said with a sigh. “I miss him so much and it’s because of that, that I still regret that I was such a horrible person when he had died. I STILL feel horrible that I even WON a world title doing the opposite of everything he taught me and being everything he never would’ve wanted me to be. It’s one of the few regrets I am still carrying with me knowing that I was letting him down as he passed…”

“Don’t be so ridiculous…” Scotty responded to me, surprising me. Inside, I was starting to feel a little bit awful that I still carried regrets that Scotty and I likely both knew that I shouldn’t be carrying anymore. “Miranda, what you were at the time that my father died and all of the awful things you were doing is a burden that you have to let go of now. You proved to the world that you are light years better than that and most importantly, when you won that championship that you are holding right now, you proved it to yourself too. You not only found the Rebellious Vixen again, you have grown her into something spectacular.”

“I know I have and I appreciate you telling me that. But that’s not going to change the fact that he was so disappointed in me when he died…” I said, as I began to tear up again.

“Can I let you in on a little secret, just for your own sake?” he asked me.

“Shoot.”

“My father and I had so many conversations while he was on his deathbed. As it turns out, there was one that was about you…”

Hearing this caused me to widen my eyes in surprise.

“He talked about me?”

Scotty nodded and continued.

“When we talked about you, my father predicted that you and I would reconnect again at some point. He expressed faith that the darkness that you were going through at the time was something that you were going to overcome to be stronger and better than before.”

The tears that were going down my face turned from sorrow to joy the moment I heard that. The guilt that I was feeling over him was starting to fade.

“REALLY?” I said in a surprised, slightly shrill voice. “He said that about me? Your father, on his deathbed, had THAT much faith in me at my worst that I was going to turn things around and be better than ever?”

Scotty nodded with a bit of a smirk on his face. I gasped, feeling a bit shocked, but definitely happy.

“Oh my god…” I said as I wiped away a tear. “Scotty, that means so much to me, more than you could ever know. He believed in me during a period where it was impossible for me to believe in myself!”

“Yes, he sure did. He had nothing but good things to say about you. He was never upset with you for the way you were carrying yourself in GCW. In fact, he was never disappointed in you at all…”

“I can’t right now…” I said joyfully as I clutched the world title to my chest. “If you’re making this up, I’ll kill you!”

“Trust me, I’m not. I’d never lie about my father. He never felt like you let him down. Sure, he wasn’t happy that you were acting the way you were in GCW, but he never held a grudge. Heck, he never got angry with you at all. My father understood that at the time, you were going through so much pain that was making you act that way. He knew that there were issues that were holding you down that had turned you into the monster that you were at the time. He understood that you had so many issues within yourself that you had to work out. He never wanted to cut you off or distance himself from you. He had the door open for you the entire time knowing that there would be a day where you would come down and seek him out. Sadly, yes, he died before that day ever came. But when you came to my father’s house a few years ago and we reconnected, I was stunned… not just because I was seeing you for the first time in years, but because my father was right. My father’s prayers were answered the day you came to that door.”

“...he prayed for me?”

“Once he realized he wasn’t going to make it, yes. He prayed for internal peace and strength for you. Those prayers were answered even further when you won your world title.”

“I need a moment…” I said through my happy tears. I looked up at the sky, directing my emotion and the conversation toward my trainer in the sky. “I love you so much! Thank you for having so much faith in me from day one. As if I wasn’t inspired enough already, the first person that ever had faith in me had faith in me until his dying breath. Scotty, do you realize how much that inspires me? He gave me EVERYTHING I needed to be successful. He stood up for me. He gave me so much, even faith that I probably didn’t deserve. I love that man so much, Scotty. If only he was my actual father and not the asshole that raised me…”

I stopped talking for a moment, continuing to let out my happy tears. I was surprised when I felt Scotty’s arm come around me. He pulled me into a warm, soft, brief embrace, both touched that I praised his father so much and happy for me that I was able to come around and begin to move past the guilt that I had carried for years.

“For what it’s worth, Myra… he really did see you as the daughter he never had.”

I chuckled for a bit while I soaked in the warmth that was going through my heart again. Looking at my Festivus world title again, my soul began to drown in inspiration. At this point, I was beginning to feel loved more than I ever had in any moment since before my mother had passed away. The sadness and the guilt was long gone. Inside, I was feeling so amazing about myself. For the first time in my career, hell the first time in my life, I was beginning to feel like a champion. For the first time ever as a professional wrestler, the purpose of me being in this business was starting to be realized.

“Scotty, I think for the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and tell myself ‘I love you’. I was born to be a champion and your father’s destiny was bringing out the champion that was always in me. He gave me the greatest gift a wrestler can ever have and now? I don’t want to make up for my wrongs to him. I want to repay him! I want to give back! I want to find the BEST way to ever thank him for EVERYTHING he’s ever done for me! Scotty…”

I looked around the gym and the ring, noting the disrepair the Lockley Wrestling Institute was in. There was a slight moment of sadness seeing it in the shape it was in, but the inspiration in my soul gave me an amazing idea.

“...I want to bring this school back… and run it… for him!”

Scotty found himself stunned by this, but in a happy way.

“Miranda, I appreciate that. You do realize that it’s going to cost…”

“I don’t care about the cost! I want to bring back the school… for HIM! It’s my big gift to him for all the amazing things he’s done for me.”

“It’s a hell of a gift and you have my support on that. The greatest gift of all you can give him? Be you!”

“Of course! The best way to be a champion is to be me, just like he taught me!”

“Your world title there is a testament to that. However, it’s only the beginning. You know that you’re capable in SCW now… to win the world title there too. The proof is literally in your hands. What you accomplished in Orlando is a preview of a destiny that awaits you in SCW.”

Without even thinking about it, I walked up to Scotty and happily gave him the biggest hug that I could.

“You’re so right… on all of that! Thank you!”

“The best is yet to come…” he said as he returned my hug.

Now?

I was feeling like I was ready to kick off 2022 and the journeys I was about to embark on: giving back to my beloved trainer and becoming the SCW Bombshells World Champion I believe in my heart now more than ever I am destined to become.

January 8th, 2022

Back home in Miami, I had the Festivus world title on my lap.

“The best part of my career is just getting started…” I thought to myself.

“Mommy…” Kimberly, my daughter, said to me in surprise. “When are you gonna play Mario Kart with me?”

“In a few minutes, sweetheart!” I said with a smile. “Just give me five, okay?”

“Okay…” Kimberly says, then gasps when she sees my world title. “It’s so pretty!!! Well DUH it is when you’re the one that has it!”

I laughed at this. “Thank you.”

“Can I hold it?”

“Of course!” I said, as I handed Kimberly the title. “HEY! Take it upstairs and keep it for a little bit! It’s your title too, sweetheart! I won it for you too! Run along! I’ll see you in a little bit!”

“OKAY!” Kimberly says with excitement as she runs up the stairs with the title. I took a deep breath soaking in all the happy vibes I was going through. Suddenly, I felt this cold, near-freezing sensation sweep my neck and shoulders as if someone was embracing me. I looked around and obviously didn’t see anyone.

“I’m proud of you…” I heard from someone that wasn’t even there. “...I will always be proud. Keep creating your destiny...”

“...Scott?!?!?!”

My eyes widened with surprise and that near-freezing sensation disappeared.

“...was that you? Did I actually hear you or did I imagine it in my head?”

I wasn’t freaked out for long, taking another breath and smiling when I remembered the words I just heard.

“I believe in the destiny I am about to create in 2022… now more than EVER!” I said with confidence.

At this point, I went upstairs to play Mario Kart with Kimberly feeling nothing but the brightest joy I’ve experienced in years!

January 15th, 2022

FROM MY NEW YOUTUBE CHANNEL

The cameras came on and I was beaming with all the joy in my heart as I held a microphone in my hand and had my Festivus World Championship wrapped around my waist. I was standing on the sands of a beach that was in front of the Fort Lauderdale Grand Hotel located in its namesake city not far from Miami. It was a chill, yet calming evening and my bright mood was shining through as I began to speak.

“Happy new year! Let me tell you something, I am EXCITED for Inception because for me, I’m about to start the most challenging journey of my career! However, coming into 2022, I know in my heart NOW more than EVER that I AM going to tackle the journey, overcome anything in my way and have the most rewarding year of my career, EVER! Anyone and anyone may want to bring me down and that’s fine but I know that I AM one of the best wrestlers in this company and that I am destined to win the Bombshells World Championship and I am going to give it the best that I’ve ever had to make that dream come true and it ALL starts with Adrienne Beaufort. I’ll get to her in a bit, but I want to acknowledge that I’m here at the Fort Lauderdale Grand Hotel, the site of where I had my FIRST EVER Independent wrestling match on my 19th birthday back in 2003. I was nervous as hell, but also excited because I knew that it was the start of a special journey for me and it’s only fitting, going into my first match of 2022, to come back here and… I’ve got some guests with me…

The shot pans to show a woman, a young man and an older man standing behind me.

“It’s great to see you again, Myra!” The older man stated.

“It’s great seeing you again too, Joe! Joe here was the promoter of the Indy company I wrestled for! The man next to him is Zay, who wanted my autograph after my first match…”

“Sup y’all! This is Myra’s first ever FAN here!”

“And the lady is Melanie, who happened to be my opponent that night. Wasn’t I a natural when I won, Melanie?”

“Yeah yeah, rub it in…” she says with a playful eye roll.

“I wanted to talk to you all for a brief minute to share with the fans my start in the business and to REALLY connect with them on a level that I haven’t connected with before. So, a couple of questions. When you first met me, what was your first impression of a young, naive, and stubborn Miranda Lynette Rivers when she walked into that building to have her first real wrestling match ever?”

“Myra… damn…” Joe begins with a laugh. “You were a pain in the ass, let me tell you. It was youth and inexperience, I get that. But when you walked in telling me that you were destined for greatness and that wrestling the opening match was an insult, I thought you had an obnoxious attitude because you really acted like you didn't want to pay your dues. You wanted to go straight to the top right away. I’m glad you grew out of that, but please teach your opponent a lesson in paying your dues. She reminds me of the parts of you that I don’t like. Adrienne Beaufort had no business cutting the line the way she did then spitting in the faces of those that tried to help her. It’s sickening!”

“Now, let me keep it real right here…” Zay begins. "You looked like one of those stereotypical Barbie bitches that didn't seem like anything special. I thought you were never going to make it because you seemed generic to me. Now, your girl Adrienne over there in Sin City Wrestling, I see nothing special about her. Like, for real. Who the fuck does she think she is? She’s just another metal chick like Jessie and Krystal, but the big difference with her is she’s some martial artist and that’s supposed to make her special? Yeah… no… you at her age were WAY above her level!"

"I wanted to beat the shit out of you because you thought you were too good to be here all because of who your mother was.” Melanie reminds me to my slight regret. “You thought coming out of Lockley's gym made you better than us. But you outgrew that. That girl you’re facing? UGH! The way I see it, she walks around with the attitude that coming from GO Gym makes her something but I don’t see it. I think going straight to SCW is going to ruin her career."

“Interesting thoughts. And… yeah, I admit that I definitely was quite a bit like Adrienne when I was her age. Compared to then, what’s your impression of me now considering how I’ve grown out of being, for lack of a better term, an obnoxious, self-absorbed brat?”

"You turned out to be one of the greatest talents I've ever had working for me and I was not surprised that you've made it as far as you have” Joe said, causing me to smile. " Over time, you developed some wisdom about our business. Wisdom to know what wrestling is all about made you who you are and someone like Adrienne lacks that which is why she says and does stupid things that get her in trouble."

"You're one of my favorite wrestlers ever and you've got the best spirit in a wrestler I've ever seen.” Zay adds. "Adrienne doesn't have that spirit that you do with how she tries to cut the line and tweet about nonsense like who she kissed under the mistletoe and all of that irrelevant bullshit!”

"You're one of the best wrestlers of my generation, honestly. You humbled yourself to learn and grow.” Melanie adds. "Adrienne doesn't have that humility to shut up and pay her dues. But, when you’re done with her, perhaps she’ll start to develop that. Here’s hoping! You on the other hand, haven’t even peaked yet"

“Thank you so much for your kind words and your thoughts guys! It was great seeing you again!”

There was a quick hug with each of them before they departed. From there, I spoke directly to Adrienne.

“Adrienne, you seem like a good girl and you seem like someone that REALLY wants to be part of this business. Yeah, what you just heard may have been true, but the point I wanted to make is two-fold. I wanted to get the perspective of a fan, promoter and a wrestler about what they think of you, and I wanted to put things into perspective for you on how this business really works. I WAS very similar to you when I was your age. I wanted to rush into big time glory and championships. I wanted everything to happen for me so fast. I wanted to take on the biggest and the baddest right out of the gate. I didn’t understand the value and the meaning of working your way up the business. Adrienne, compared to ME, you’ve had it LUCKY! Whereas YOU came to Sin City Wrestling straight out of GO Gym with the training that you have and no Indy experience, I had to wait ONE YEAR before I even had an INDEPENDENT WRESTLING MATCH and then I had to pay my dues and bust my ass in the Indies for FOUR AND A HALF YEARS before I FINALLY hit the damn mainstream with NSWA. Advantage ME right out of the gate. You didn’t have to go through the grind that I did and therefore, you don’t have the ability to appreciate what it takes to be a champion in the business nearly as much as I do. Yeah, I called you out for a reason a few weeks ago when you made that stupid mistake of trying to call out Amber and it wasn’t just for what I said. I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t mention that yeah, I made the mistake of wanting to rush up the ladder too when I got started myself, but I didn’t go right after the fucking world champion like you did. You haven’t even EARNED a match against the world champion and you’re already alienating your bosses one match in? Not smart!”

“I was HOPING that getting booked against Andrea and being all but thrown into the fire was going to teach you something. I really do! I mean that. Perhaps going through the Andrea experience was going to give you a stronger work ethic and make you appreciate everything that the business about. But sadly, I don’t think it did. Let me ask you something, Adrienne. Aside from training at Go Gym most likely, what did you do to prepare yourself for our match? What did you do to get ready for 2022? What work did you put in during the holiday break to be a better wrestler? What I did? I got the FUCK out of my comfort zone and trained HARDER than before training with someone that I would’ve never imagined to train with in Kim Pain and LEARNED how to be mentally tough and to address the ONE weakness that had been holding me back for years! I went to Orlando, for a massive supercard that one of my former peers put together and I beat the SHIT out of my ex-boyfriend in a tables match, setting him on fire. I busted my ass through a battle royal and endured so much shit in a TLC match not just to win THIS world title you see around my waist, but to KEEP IT! I sure as fuck put in WORK for 2022. What did YOU do, Adrienne? Tell me something that you did to grow. Don’t tell me about Go Gym. Everyone in their right mind would train during the holidays. Did you go above and beyond?

I don’t see it. I don’t see tweets of you training. I don’t see you talking about what you are planning on doing to be a better wrestler. No, I see you do nothing but tweet about mainly dumb things and tweeting about this relationship with Emerald. Last Climax Control, did you talk about Andrea and the lessons you learned from facing her? You didn’t. Hell, you didn’t even mention Andrea by name. You were talking about how nervous you are about our match and how you were HOPING that you would have something easier for your third match. Are you fucking kidding me, Adrienne? I don’t take it as an insult to ME personally, but if you REALLY want to be someone in this business, you don’t SAY things like that. Sure, it’s OKAY to FEEL like you want an easier match, but when you go out and say that you wish you had something easier for match three, it comes off as you don’t want the challenge. It really comes off as if you don’t WANT to bust your ass to make it up the ladder. You know who MY third SCW match was when I first came here? AMBER RYAN… and I was facing her coming off of a LOSS in my second match. Not ONE TIME did I sit there and say “well, I wish I had it easier”. FUCK THAT! You know what I did, Adrienne? I EMBRACED that challenge, took it head on and I BEAT AMBER RYAN! THAT is what the FUCK you do when you face a challenge that the powers that be here throw at you. You don’t lament and wish you had it easier. Compared to just about everyone on the roster, you’ve had it EASY! It took ME almost 18 YEARS to go from training to SCW while YOU came here at JUST 18! Don’t WISH about EASIER since you have a golden opportunity being on this roster so damn young.

Last Climax Control, would it have HURT YOU to at least SHOW like you give enough of a crap? If you’re not openly wishing for an easier match at Inception, you’re kissing Emerald, someone who is aligned with Kate Steele, under the damn mistletoe and creating a fucking predictable soap opera. Yeah, THAT is going to go over real well with Kate! That’s the thing with you Adrienne, you don’t have your priorities straight. Not that there's anything wrong with dating or anything, but how do you expect to move up the ladder when you don’t have your priorities straight and when you don’t seem to have the proper mentality for the business? The only people that go straight from wrestling school to the big leagues at such a young age are prodigies and you and I both know that you wouldn’t consider yourself a prodigy. You create your own destiny in this business Adrienne, and I hate to say it, but if you continue to go down the path that you are going on… so unfocused and stirring up trouble with the wrong people like Kate and Amber, you are going to end up with a shorter career not just in Sin City Wrestling, but in our business entirely. The way you’re going, you’re putting yourself at risk of being out of the business by the age of 22… not because you’re not good enough. You HAVE to be talented to be on THIS roster at YOUR age I’m sure… but because you’re showing signs of not being smart enough yet. I’m not calling YOU stupid, but you have made some stupid decisions already that have drawn the ire of our bosses. You carry around this attitude, and I understand it may not be intentional and you may not realize this, that you are taking the business that I love and that I have cried, bled and suffered for, for granted and that’s something that doesn’t sit well with me.

Are you going to tell me to fuck off too just like you did with Jessie a couple of CC’s back when you threw her less than stellar record in her face when she was trying to help you?

For your sake, I hope you don’t. You said that you heard my message loud and clear, but did you?

Because your actions since then don’t seem to indicate that. Your choice to date Emerald knowing it wasn’t going to sit well with Kate is a lack of WISDOM on your part. It’s a move that is going to have Kate wanting to beat the shit out of you and considering how badly you alienated the Bombshells locker room by going straight for Amber right away, there are going to be very few women back there willing to help you. The lack of SPIRIT within you is obvious. It’s one thing to WANT this like you do, but it’s a completely different thing to SAY that you want this and ACT like you want this and considering how you lamented the fact that your third match here isn’t an “easier match”, that REALLY concerns me because that’s NOT acting like you want this. That’s acting like you want everything to be easy! You think it was easy for ME when NSWA was throwing me into the fire against some of their best up and comers right way? NO! And even THEN, while I admittedly was very immature as a rookie, I STILL didn’t act like that or whine about not having an easy third match. Your expressed desire to have it easy and your actions toward Amber and how you recently treated Jessie is proof of a lack of HUMILITY on your part too. I get it, that was me too at first. But when I struggled in the early going in NSWA, I shut my mouth, worked on what needed to be worked on and paid my fucking dues.

Paying your dues is EMBRACING the challenge I bring to you at Inception… not wishing you had an easier opponent because let me tell you something sweetheart, this is the toughest women’s division in wrestling and you’ve got to be so much tougher than that to make it and be a champion here. Inception for me is showing this company that I’m about to start the best year of my career here and that THIS title around my waist WILL, one day, be the SCW Bombshells World Championship. I’ve had to endure SO MUCH this past year to be as strong and as smart as I’ve become since my misadventures with Amber and I had to go through HELL to be the Rebellious Vixen again and I KNOW, starting with you, I WILL have to go through HELL to get the ONE championship I am MORE motivated than EVER to have! That’s how you pay your dues in this business young lady, and come Inception?

I’m going to teach you that lesson, and many more lessons, about how this business, especially the Sin City Wrestling Bombshells division, really is! My destiny starts with YOU… and I already know you don’t want this match nearly as bad as I do…

With the blazing inferno tearing through my heart and soul and with my motivations being as bright as ever, I shut off the YouTube feed knowing that I am far from done.

“I have had the unfortunate tendency to beat myself up, tear myself down and doubt that I will ever get to where I want to be the moment I suffer a huge setback. This was a pattern of mine for a decade.

I’d do well and do big things… I’d come ‘so close, yet so far’... then my confidence collapses and I feel unworthy of being in that spot as I question if I will ever be a world champion again.

Blast from the Past. Summer XXXtreme. Violent Conduct.

SCW. Carnage. UWA. PRW.

Doubt consumed me for 10 years… it consumed me when I faced Roxi...having not recovered from the Amber matches psychologically…

 Then she beat me… and like Amber… it SUCKED! It PAINED ME!

But this loss was different.

Disgusted with myself for the outcome… I finally broke the cycle. Losing that match to Roxi finally snapped me out of it and realized what I had to be to get to where I wanted to be…

The SCW Bombshells World Championship…

October 17, 2021

“Are you with me?”

A worried Jazmyn Rain stood in front of me while I was sitting down in my hotel room following that loss to Roxi.

“Myra. Say something!”

I wasn’t saying anything, for I was having a classic devil/angel on my shoulder moment inside of my own mind.

“That just further proves you’ll never be world champion…” the devil said.

“Don’t listen. You know it’s not true.”

“You haven’t been as dominant since you lost the Internet title. You’re slipping again.”

“The level of competition has been greater. You knew this was coming. These losses are to two-thirds of the High Stakes main event. It’s not like you’re losing to Char Kwan or Apple Coren…”

“Yet, you’ve proven incapable of getting to the next level, just like always. Shall we run down the company names again?”

“Those companies don’t matter anymore.”

“Come on! Give in! Beat yourself down! Cry! Say that you want to retire! Do what you’ve always done when you lose. Admit that you’re a failure…”

“Change the pattern…” the ‘angel’ urged me “...you can overcome this.”

“If JESSIE SALCO of all people is telling you to be better, you know you’re slipping…”

Anger poured through me.

“Stay strong…”

Yet, motivation hit me.

“I’m okay…” I managed to utter to Jazmyn, who became instantly relieved.

“Oh thank god!” Jazmyn responded. “I was worried you were about to beat yourself down again!”

 "I'm not happy with the outcome, especially after Jessie ran up the score... but I'm not going to beat myself up anymore. I'm going to use it to get stronger and be the best version of myself! Why should I beat myself down and start doubting myself after EVERY SINGLE LOSS? I shouldn’t… especially since I’m wrestling better than I ever have…”

Jazmyn’s eyes lit up with joy when she realized I broke the cycle.

“The Rebellious Vixen never did that… and that’s exactly who I need to be and will be again to break through to that world title I want so much. Violent Conduct is the last loss I am beating myself down for...”

I smiled with confidence through the adversity as Jazmyn and I exchanged an embrace. This was the moment I realized that I was strong enough to overcome any doubt that came my way and to never put myself through it ever again…

“This was the moment I fully committed to being the Rebellious Vixen again…

...losing to Roxi didn’t destroy me the way the losses to Amber did. It fueled me for High Stakes, motivated me further to end Jessie Salco’s Chamber of Extreme streak, shut her the hell up and prove her wrong. Jessie should’ve never told me to ‘be better’ and never used that loss to try to run up the score at my expense. That’s what drove me to finally break the cycle that had cursed me for a decade.

No more pity parties... I am DONE being a victim of my doubts..."

High Stakes

While I was feeling as sore as I had following Summer XXXtreme, I was in some bright spirits after finally being able to pull through on a Supercard with a hardcore stipulation attached to it. I felt a happiness pour through me that hadn’t been felt in years when I realized not just that I ended Jessie Salco’s chamber streak, but that it was the Rebellious Vixen, my best and purest form as a professional wrestler, that pulled it off. My sister Adrianna was hugging me and I could feel nothing but joy emanating from her.

“That’s the Myra I’ve wanted for so long…” she says, warming my heart.

“I’m glad that I made you proud…” I said as I smiled through the pain I was feeling. It’s the most liberating feeling in the world to be myself again and to accomplish what I just did on the biggest show of the year. I know Jessie isn’t as big of a name as Amber or Roxi. But, ending a streak? It’s… an AMAZING feeling! A win like that and I feel whole again… like I can accomplish ANYTHING!”

“You shut Jessie the fuck up…” Adrianna said with a smile. “But still… what she said about you going in…”

“Right…” I reflected. “Be better… she should’ve never challenged me like that…”

“She tried spinning this narrative that you’ve fallen off since your Internet reign ended…” Adrianna reminded me. “She doubled down on it by acting as if your loss to Roxi was this huge setback as proof that you were slipping…”

“It’s hyperbole…” I said with a scoff.

“I know it is. But you know this locker room. They’ll take any little thing and exaggerate it to make the most ridiculous claims… like how Evie tried to say that Andrea had a ‘huge fall’. I’m worried that the most petty of the Bombshells are going to be criticizing you in a harsher fashion and try to bring you down by doubting you and saying that you’re incapable of being a world champion because of the losses you’ve had to Amber and Roxi…”

“I’m not…” I said defiantly. “If they want to say that, they can say that. I’m no longer worried about the opinions of other people and I am not worried about someone doubting me and trying to use doubt to bring me down. Jessie expressed doubt about me, did she not? I shut HER up tonight and I can silence ANYONE that does the same. Adri, you have to remember that at my very best, which I know in my heart I am right now, doubt wouldn’t break me or bring me down… it would FUEL me! It fueled me tonight… and it fueled me during one of the greatest ‘Rebellious Vixen’ moments ever: the night I became a two-time world champion…”

Adrianna’s eyes lit up as I flashed back to that monumental experience…

June 29, 2009

...an experience in San Diego, California that would be brutal. A wrestler known as ‘Sinclair’ was pounding the hell out of me. I had just been thrown off the side of a cell structure and tossed back into the ring. The match had already been going on for 20 minutes.

“You weren’t prepared for this…” Sinclair told me with a smirk as he rolled back into the ring. “I can’t believe PRW thinks YOU are worthy of being a world title contender…”

“I am…” I told him defiantly as he picked me up, nailed me with a scoop slam and forced me to kick out of a pinfall attempt. For the next few minutes, he pummelled me and I remembered feeling like I was fading. I could feel some blood coming out of me, my limbs starting to get lighter, a fading feeling of hope in my heart and just outright praying that the torture I was experiencing would be over. After Sinclair gave me a running powerslam and I had to kick out again, I was feeling delirious. I closed my eyes for two seconds and when I opened them, I saw my father laughing at me as he stood over me.

“How many times have I told you that you’ll never amount to anything?” he said to me as he laughed at me. Sinclair was beginning to pick me up as my father stayed in my line of vision. “You are the most useless thing I have ever seen in my life! USELESS!”

This didn’t traumatize me. I felt a jolt in my heart that gave me a further push, even as Sinclair gave me a suplex. He rolled away, exhausted himself. I rolled over on my stomach and saw Kirk Storm, my NSWA nemesis snickering at me from the corner.

“You never had what it took to be a main event star…” I imagined him telling me with a sneer. “You only succeeded in NSWA because the legends and big names were gone by the time you won your first title. You can't be a world champion for a promotion that matters."

That angry motivation within this Rebellious Vixen only grew, but I was screaming in pain as Sinclair trapped me in an ankle lock with a grapevine. My soul was torn. Of course I didn’t want to give up, but I could feel something in me telling me that I should. I tried to kick my way out of it, but I was barely making headway. I imagined seeing NSWA’s president standing in front of me at the ring apron cackling at me.

“You never belonged in this business you DUMB! FLORIDA! MORON! You were only a world champion before because it was WXWF, a company that didn’t last three months and had minor league competition. You didn’t hack it in NSWA. You are the most worthless wrestler I’ve ever met in my life…”

“Fuck you…” I whispered as with a desperate kick, I broke free from that ankle lock. My ankle was killing me and I was clutching at it while I imagined a vision of the previous PRW World Champion standing above and behind me.

“You’re only in this match as an injury replacement, remember?” he said to me, further pissing me off. “That’s MY title you’re going for! If I didn’t get injured, you wouldn’t be fighting for it. You're only here because of me! You're not ready nor deserving of this spot and you'll never be the face of the franchise. Fucking PARASITE…”

I could feel my heart come ablaze when I heard this thought. However, Sinclair had picked me up and drove me hard into the ground with a running spinebuster. All four of these “doubters” that I was imagining in my head were all surrounding me. They were laughing at me, taunting me, constantly telling me that I didn’t have what it took to be a main event star, telling me that I didn’t deserve to be a wrestler, telling me that I was incapable of this and incapable of that. Their laughter just fueled me as I kicked out of the ensuing pinfall.

“YOU CAN’T DO IT! YOU CAN’T DO IT!” the doubters said to me as I was pulled up to my feet. This blazing fire in my heart, the passion and the motivation to silence them and achieve my destiny, gave me the adrenaline I needed to counter with a jawbreaker and begin to rally back. We both stood up. He tried to clothesline me but I ducked it and countered with the hardest spinning heel kick I’d ever hit in my career up to that point.

“USELESS!” my father screamed at me in my imagination.

“You’re WRONG” I thought to myself as I nailed Sinclair with a running knee. I looked back at Kirk. “You were NEVER a main eventer, so what gives YOU the right to judge me?”

A flying forearm was my next maneuver in my comeback. NSWA’s president was starting to look worried in the corner.

“I CAN and WILL succeed without your PATHETIC COMPANY!” I imagined myself saying to him as I brought Sinclair down with a springboard bulldog. I went to the top rope and glared at PRW’s first world champion who thought I was only because of the match because of his injury. “...and I’m ABOUT to be that FACE OF THE FRANCHISE YOU NEVER COULD BE!!!!!”

I leapt off the top rope and nailed a perfect 630 splash into the face of Sinclair.

1.

2.

3.

And the images of my doubters inside of my head had them ALL dropping their jaws in stunned silence. The most joyous feeling of my life poured through me as I heard my fans cheering for me and as I felt the PRW World Championship in my hands for the first time. I stayed on my knees and clutched the title to my chest, feeling my mother’s presence with a sweeping warmth going through me.

“I finally realized my destiny…” I thought to myself as I shed tears of joy into the championship that I just won. “I silenced everyone that doubted me. Their doubt, their hate, they pushed me to prove them wrong and I DID! I was REBELLIOUS to the very end until I FINALLY made my dreams come true!”

I stood up to celebrate in a sea full of “MYRA!” chants while also seeing the joy in the eyes of so many little girls that stood up to me.

“I did it…” I whispered to myself. “...I’ve become the face of the franchise I always knew I’d be and that so many doubted I’d ever become…”

The hunger to relieve this joy in SCW? I’m the only one that knows how deep that is…

High Stakes

“You and I both know that our father was my harshest critic of all… and I overcame him on that night I won my second world title. The Alicias and Ambers of the world are child play compared to him. I remember now…”

“You’re ready for me to give you this…” Adrianna said with joy as she gave me a sealed envelope. “Our cousin Cindy told me to give that to you. She wouldn’t tell me who it was from. I’ll leave you to read it…”

Adrianna gave me another embrace as I glanced at this mystery letter. However, before I could open it, I saw, in the corner of my eye, the finish of the triple threat with Amber pinning Roxi. I didn’t react to this, but I knew that Amber remaining champion would make it harder for me to realize my destiny and that it would bring the critics out of the woodwork.

“If anyone wants to write me off as a main event contender, so be it…” I said to myself. "I've silenced the doubters before and I will do it again!"

I watched Amber’s celebration not with dread, but with determination. I was feeling extremely happy within myself knowing that at long last, I was feeling like I had all the tools in the world to realize my dream and my destiny of being the SCW Bombshells World Champion and most important of all, the confidence it was going to take to get to that level no matter what kind of doubt they wanted to throw at me…

For now?

It was time to enjoy being the Rebellious Vixen again…

November 17th, 2021

“WE LOVE YOU!” a couple of teenage girls said to me at my first meet and greet in more than a decade as I sighed posters for them!

“I’m so glad you’re doing this again…” another young woman said to me as I signed an 8x10.

“What you did at High Stakes was yet another inspirational chapter of an inspirational run in SCW…” a mother told me as I signed her souvenir cup. “...I was a teenager when you won that Hell in a Cell in San Diego and to finally meet you and to be able to bring my daughter to do the same… I’m SO happy you have no idea…”

“Fans like you are why I do what I love…” I told the mother as I exchanged a hug with her and her daughter. This would be the last signing of the meet and greet and Adrianna was beaming on the side.

“Doesn’t it feel amazing to connect with your fans again?”

“I’ve missed it…” I said with a smile. “...I can’t believe I’ve been missing out on that. I was such a recluse for so long because I was stuck in my own head feeling like I didn’t deserve to be happy and yet, here I am having one of the happiest times of my life!”

“I’m just so amazed by the progress you have made so quickly!” Adrianna beamed. “You have a big heart, Myra and such an amazing passion for what you do! You deserve to spread that heart and that passion around to those that you inspire!”

“My bond with my fans has come back and not a moment too soon…”

“I was wondering if you can sign my collector’s album…” I heard a familiar, sickening voice say to me. Seeing the face of my ex-boyfriend Jayson Schneider disgusted me. “...it’s the least you can do for EMBARRASSING ME during your High Stakes promo…”

“Really?” I asked, annoyed. “You have THAT fragile of a fucking ego that you get your panties in a wad over mentioning the deathmatch that I BEAT YOU IN? You really want to fight me over that?”

“Myra, Myra…” Jayson said with a chuckle. “...I just wanted to see the Rebellious Vixen again. You know, I still have a grudge for all the matches we had a decade ago…”

“Yeah, because she beat you in every single one of them…” Adrianna said with a scoff.

“I have no shame in that… even if I AM bitter! The ‘Rebellious Vixen’ cost me a world title or two. But let me ask you a question, Myra. You spent a whole decade being a self-loathing, self-doubting, miserable BITCH especially every time you came SO CLOSE, yet SO FAR, exposing such a sickening, disgusting lack of a self-esteem… and with a magic wand… BAM! The Vixen is back! I don’t buy it. In fact, let me tell you something, Myra. You only decided to be “rebellious” again when you got sick and tired of Amber Ryan kicking your ass…”

“OH HELL NO…” Adrianna said.

“I got this…” I said, narrowing my eyes with anger. Jayson just snickered at Adrianna’s anger.

“...you didn’t go back to ‘rebellious’ because it’s the best version of you. No, you did it because it’s your last resort to being relevant. After Roxi kicked your ass, NOW you brought the Vixen back? Is that how DESPERATE you are for a world championship, Myra? It’s a glorified nostalgia act… and Roxi’s going to expose that. When will you accept that you’ve won your last world title?”

“Sometime between ‘never’ and ‘go fuck yourself’...

“I mean… you’ve got to look at the evidence…”

Jayson opens up his ‘collector’s album’ which is a collage of photos of my failures over the last decade. There was an entire PRW page dedicated to my main event losses starting in 2011, including a time or two where Jayson defeated me, a GCW page featuring photos of Jazmyn Rain beating me and my most recent world title to date being taken from me in 2017, a page with UWA featuring all the times I failed to become a world champion, a page with Carnage featuring my two losses of the Ultraviolent title and my last match where I lost a world title match, and a page for SCW that featured me falling short in Blast from the Past, twice against Amber and recently against Roxi.

“...you can’t compete at that level anymore, Myra… ‘rebellious’ or not. Give it up. That 350 day reign is as good as you’ll ever have it in SCW. That’s your legacy in that company. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Accept that. That’s the best you can do. Somewhere in your heart, you know I am right. You know that you can never reach that level of dominance again. Amber destroyed you. Roxi? You can’t even beat her. But you want to be a world champion? You’re a failure, Myra…”

I was beginning to feel that same fiery motivation in my heart all over again… the same one that fueled me to my greatest wrestling moments and that fueled me to silence the doubters like the pathetic ex-boyfriend in front of me.

“There’s a voice in your head that tells you that one world title within the last 10 years for someone of your caliber is a failure…”

“You haven’t held a world title in that long, you can’t talk.”

“You’re not a big match wrestler anymore. Putting on an old mask isn’t going to change that. You had your moment at High Stakes. It was a nice, one night only nostalgia trip for your fans and it should stay that way. You can’t revive that old ‘rebellious’ magic. Your destiny is to simply be one of the best Bombshells that never won a world title. You’re not good enough. You know that. Under the mask, you feel that. The next time you come ‘so close, yet so far’, you’re going to be bawling in the corner of your hotel room to Adrianna and/or Jazmyn telling them you’re done and that you’ll NEVER RECOVER FROM YET ANOTHER HEARTBREAK!”

Jayson was laughing at me all while the spark within my soul continued to ignite. He wasn’t breaking me. He was fueling me.

“In fact…” Jayson said as he pulled out a camera and turned it on. He focused it on my ‘book of failures’ before focusing it back on me. He tossed a pen at my feet. “...get on your knees, which is the only thing you’re a legend at anymore, pick up that pen, sign that for me, admit you’ll never be a world champion again, and CRY about it! Show the world who you really are! Come on Myra! CRY! Cry for me BITCH!”

“You’re done, right?” I asked him, leaving him surprised. I started to laugh at him which caused him to be a bit unnerved. He was starting to sweat bullets when he realized he wasn’t getting inside of my head like he was hoping to. “Let me tell you something, Jay. I’m not ‘rebellious’ again because I’m ‘desperate for a world title’, it’s because it’s EVERY part of who I am as a professional wrestler and as a woman, alright? You are looking at the Myra that you not only could never beat back in the day when she was at her absolute best, but that you never accepted. You want to come to my face and trash talk me and try to break me down by planting doubts in my head? It’s not going to work. I’m too strong to be brought down by your amateur hour. In fact, you just made me MORE motivated to beat Roxi and to be one step closer to my destiny…”

“...so… you want to get back together? Because this feistiness of yours is SEXY!!!!”

I slapped the camera out of his hands, causing it to fall to the floor and break upon impact. I took the “Book of Failures” he put together, ripped it to shreds and tossed the remains in his face.

“Get the fuck out…” I told him. Jayson nervously nodded and fled the scene, much to Adrianna’s happiness.

“THAT is what I am fucking talking about!” Adrianna said with joy. “Way to turn it all around and shove it up his ass! Did you see the look of panic on his face when he realized the hatred he was spewing at you wasn’t going to work?”

“Yeah…” I said, continuing to smile. “His empty words weren’t going to bring me down… and the same will go for any catty, petty BITCH in the Bombshells locker room that wants to throw the same shit my way. Let’s go do something fun, Adri…”

Adrianna smiled at me as we cleaned up and closed up shop for my meet-and-greet fan convention…

November 19th, 2021

ON-CAMERA

“The following Hell in a Cell special handicap challenge is scheduled for one fall…” Adrianna said as I stood inside a cell structure that surrounded a training ring at Scott Lockley’s old wrestling facility. “Introducing first, the Rebellious Vixen, the record setting Internet champion, the slayer of Jessie Salco’s chamber streak… MYRA RIVERS!”

I stood confidently in my corner dressed in a Buffy-like outfit.

“And her opponents…”

I smirked as four female ninja wrestlers: a purple mask, white mask, yellow mask and blue mask, enter the structure and the ring with me.

“From parts unknown, the SOUL CRUSHING SHE-NINJAS OF DOUBT AND IMPENDING PSYCHOLOGICAL DOOM!!!!!! Ring the bell!”

Before I knew it, the four ninjas jumped me in the corner and they had pummeled me all the way down to the floor!

“You’re never going to be SCW Bombshells World Champion” said the blue mask.

“You can’t beat Amber. You can’t beat Roxi! You’re in decline! You’re about to fall down the ladder and this week, when Roxi beats you again, you will never be seen as a world title contender again…” says the yellow mask.

“You’re too hurt to beat Roxi…” says the purple mask. “...you were just fodder for her last time! You’re just a stepping stone for her this time!”

I kept taking punches while the ninjas of doubt kept beating me down.

“You will never be enough and when Roxi beats you again, it’s going to be finalized! You’ll never be good enough to be the best!” says the white mask.

“Wrong…” I said as I stood up and began to come back. I superkicked the white mask right in the head causing her to collapse to the mat. I doinked the heads of purple mask and blue mask together and then roundhouse kicked yellow mask in the gut. “...ALL OF IT! WRONG! I am NOT going to confirm to what ANY doubter thinks of me! I AM a world champion in the making!”

Rebel Bombs in succession follow, first to yellow, then white, then purple, then blue. The “Ninjas of Doubt” are all lying on the mat while I take the microphone from Adrianna and express my thoughts.

“I have a message for the Bombshells division. Do you want to doubt me now? Jessie doubted me. Jessie ran up the score on me after our last match together, Roxi. She told me to ‘be better’. That didn’t sit well with me and neither did losing to you. This little skit here demonstrates what I am going to be from now on. You can doubt me, you can hate me, but not only will I not give a shit about what you think, I will do what I did to jessie at High stakes and I will SHUT YOU UP! Prior to the Rebellious Vixen coming back, I would let people like Amber Ryan tell me this and people like Ruby Steele tell me that, and certain bombshells on the roster try to tell me that I’m not capable of anything, that my success is either a fraud or that it’s the greatest success I’ll ever have. I’ve had some people think that the Internet Championship and my 350 day reign is my legacy in this company. Not that it’s a BAD legacy, but WHY should I settle for that? Roxi, just like you I want that World Championship and I want it badly and this Sunday? Yeah, I have a bone to pick with you. You won in our last encounter, but at the end of the day, I was the one that won at High Stakes. I’m the one that showed what a real superhero could be. Roxi, when I first came here, I looked at you with envy. I envied you because I saw the personification of what I could’ve been if I didn’t make the mistakes that I’ve been. I used to see someone like you and think ‘damn, I’ll never be Roxi. She’s a pure soul. I never will be after what I’ve done’. I used to beat myself down and feel sorry for myself, Roxi. The last time you faced me, you faced the last vestiges of the old Myra. You got the last shot at the Myra Rivers that would feel sorry for herself and doubt herself after every big loss. You may have won, but you didn’t break me. No, you made me stronger. It was losing to you that was the final straw and that made me realize that being the Rebellious Vixen is what I was born to be in this business…”

It was what made me realize that… well, I was wasting my time wanting to be you. Why should I be you when I could be ME… the BEST version of me? You see Roxi, words that you didn’t say… they are REALLY fueling me this time around. I’m not talking about “be better”, I’m talking about the SHIT Jessie Salco spewed at me going into that Chamber. The way she was talking about me? She was acting as if I had fallen off since losing the Internet Championship and if I was on my way down. She was acting like you blew me out of Philadelphia in that match. It’s nothing personal against YOU, but that REALLY pissed me off and it was my pleasure to shut her up. But I know it’s just one match. This match? I REALLY get to quiet the critics and I will!

‘Roxi won last time’ they’ll say.

‘Myra’s not ready for Roxi’ they’ll say.

‘Myra’s too hurt from Chamber of Extreme’, they’ll say.

‘Roxi will win because she’s got more momentum than Myra’, they’ll say.

‘Roxi will win again and once more use Myra as a stepping stone to their ultimate goal.’

‘Roxi will get back on track with a win against Myra’

‘The Rebellious Vixen hasn’t gained enough experience to beat Roxi right now…’

‘Myra’s momentum is down, Roxi’s is up’

‘Myra is the clear underdog… BLAH BLAH BLAH… I’ll stop there, you get my point, Roxi. Two months ago, hell even a few weeks ago when we last faced off, that would’ve gotten to me and that would’ve discouraged me. But you know what that does, Roxi? It FUELS ME! You don’t even KNOW the BURNING PASSION that is searing through my soul to win this match. Our last match was a learning experience for me, yes. But it was also both a humbling AND a humiliating experience for me. If there is a match that I AM going to have to REALLY get my foot back in the door of the world championship picture THIS… IS… THAT… MATCH! If you even DARE look past me because you’re making googly eyes at Amber and thinking about Amber, not only will I KNOW it, but I will make you PAY for it. You don’t get to overlook me. I can’t hate your continued desire to be a world champion, Roxi. I’d be a hypocrite if I did. But that doesn’t mean that some of the things you’ve said lately and some of your actions don’t concern me. Going into High Stakes… you know what I saw? I saw someone whose ego is getting out of control. Admittedly, I was ‘too nice’ to say it last time around, but I’ve got to say it not because I hate you, but because I want to help you. Going into High Stakes, you spent SO much time being BITTER over Crystal being in that match. You and her have a history. I get that. But you TIED that match. You were BITTER over the fact that it wasn’t just YOU! You expressed an uncharacteristic bitterness in your heart that I’d never noticed in you. She wasn’t supposed to be part of the match?

According to WHOM?

Since when are YOU entitled to having that High Stakes main event moment?

Since when did YOU become so judgmental toward someone, Roxi? I get that you and Crystal have your history, but from your words against her, it’s like you HATE the woman.

Since when did you become so internally insecure of yourself that you picked apart your match history with Amber stating that she ‘never pinned you and try to use THAT as a point to make?

But what REALLY concerned me about you going into High Stakes was the ATTITUDE of it all. You admitted that it wasn’t just about being the world champion. You admitted that it was about YOU proving a point. YOU even called SCW… YOUR HOUSE!

REALLY? Roxi, I respect you for what you’ve done in this company and you’ve done so many amazing, wonderful things, but REALLY? Who the hell do you think you are to let off such an obnoxious, self-absorbed comment like that? When you say something like that, you basically act as if this division should revolve around YOU. Where in the hell did you get THAT attitude from? That’s SO out of character for you Roxi. I was FLOORED when I heard you say that. SCW is YOUR house? Last I checked, you weren’t the first Bombshells World Champion. Isn’t a superhero supposed to be someone that protects and serves for selfless reasons, Roxi? Well, declaring SCW ‘your house’ is not selfless whatsoever. That tells me right there, when you said that, that High Stakes wasn’t about the love of competition, the love for this division and the honor and respect that the Bombshells Championship deserves. That tells me right there Roxi, that this is all about YOU! Maybe that’s not what you MEANT when you said that, but that that REALLY bothers me because I thought you were SO much better than that. It wasn’t just an off-color one off either, talking about how Crystal is only here because of you and everything. But you double down on that by talking about how ‘everyone is going to put respect’ on your name.

NOW you are DEMANDING that everyone respects you? You know who does that type of shit, Roxi? Alicia Lukas. You want EVERYONE to respect you? Not EVERYONE is going to respect you, Roxi… as a wrestler or as an individual. Hell, even though Amber might respect you as one, she clearly doesn’t respect you as the other. I get that being disrespected SUCKS, Amber did that to me, Ruby did that to me, Jessie did that to me, but you want to know what we do with disrespect? We SILENCE it! That’s what heroes do, Roxi! Heroes SILENCE the disrespect and SILENCE the doubters. Heroes do NOT make everything about them. Heroes do NOT demand that people ‘put respect on their name’. It HURTS me to say this Roxi, but I HOPE by saying this you wake up a bit and realize what kind of self-destructive path you’re on. MAYBE Amber was right about you all along. I walked into SCW and I saw a role model of someone that I envied because I wished I could be them. Now? I see someone who has become so obsessed with winning the SCW Bombshells World Championship that she is doing so to her own detriment. I see someone whose title hunger is consuming them to the point of being bitter and to the point where they HAVE to be respected.

That’s what I see, Roxi.

You are becoming bitter and angry over the fact that you haven’t been world champion in so long and that you had to wait to get your chance. I get it. I haven’t held a world championship in nearly five years. I TOTALLY get the frustration and I USED to beat myself down for that, but I NEVER let it make me bitter. I NEVER let it consume me to the point where I betray my morals and what I am about. I NEVER allowed it to the point where I relapsed back to my evil ways, yet here you are, having gone NOT EVEN two years yet without a world title, and you’re CRACKING… treating Crystal the way you did, talking about SCW being ‘your house’... hell, since I would know ALL about this, I’m going to say that you are turning into what I used to be! The signs are there, Roxi: the ego, the bitterness, the sudden complaints about things such as being disrespected, Crystal not deserving of the world title match, not getting title shots…

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck… fuck it, you know the saying!

All this and I wonder how you see me now.

I have my doubts that this match is about honor or respect for you. I’ve been on the road you’re driving to, and I can tell you based on experience, that you’re going to see me as either a punching bag to take out your High Stakes frustrations out on or as a ‘stepping stone’ to send a message to Amber. Either way, you’re going to treat me like I’m beneath you and that’s fine. You’re going to come into this match doubting that I can beat you because you just did last month and you’re going to feel like OH MY GOD, I HAVE TO BEAT MYRA TO SHOW I DESERVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT AMBER! GOTTA BEAT MYRA AGAIN!

GOTTA PUT HER IN THE GROUND TO SEND A MESSAGE!

You’re doubting me coming into this, aren’t you? Why should you hold me at the esteem that you did before? You beat me and ‘got your win back’ from Into the Void. You’re understandably the favorite going in because you main evented High Stakes, I didn’t, because you beat me the last time, because I ‘might’ be too banged up from Chamber of Extreme. Why should you be worried about losing to me? Why should you even see me as anything other than your stepping stone back to Amber?

I’m not saying that you see me as someone that will never be a world champion, because I don’t think you see me that way. I think you just see me as convenient, as that stepping stone, because that’s all I was to you last time, wasn’t I? Well you know what Roxi, since SCW is ‘your house’ and since all you care about anymore is the world title, go ahead. Treat me like a stepping stone. I fucking dare you. Try to take out your bitterness from High Stakes and eating the pinfall out on me as if I’m just convenient to you. Be like all the doubters that don’t think I can beat you based off of our last encounter and take me as less than a threat. Do it! Experience what happens. Try to take out your anger and frustration from it being a triple threat and not the one on one you apparently felt you were ENTITLED TO out on me. See me as less than a threat. See me as convenient. Do all of those things and you doubt me… and by doubting me, you’re just going to motivate me even MORE to defeat you and to SILENCE the doubters and to get mine back against you! Doubt me, Roxi! Doubt me and fuel my hunger to defeat you. Not that I need it, the fact that you are turning into what you have fought against for years in my eyes is already fuel enough for me because I am NOT going to stand for you carrying this ATTITUDE that you do with trashing Crystal left and right and declaring SCW ‘YOUR HOUSE’. I’m NOT going to stand for this apparent sense of entitlement with that never ending ‘content but never satisfied’ nonsense.

I am NOT going to stand for you destroying yourself over falling short in a world title match because I WILL BE DAMNED if I let ANYONE do the SAME FUCKING THING I DID!

Doubt me!

Bring that attitude, bitterness and obnoxious self-entitlement to Climax Control. Because for the sake of this division, and for YOUR sake Roxi, I’m going to humble you and I’m going to save you from yourself! Putting myself back in the hunt for my dream and my destiny is great and all and I will ALWAYS carry my passion and determination for that, especially during this match that MANY, and most likely even you, are giving me no chance to win. But my main focus here is not just saving you from yourself, it’s showing that doubt isn’t going to shatter me anymore and that I can and WILL accomplish ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I set my mind to! Nothing personal, Roxi…

But this is for your own damn good! When you beat me, you showed me where I was going wrong.

This Sunday, when I SILENCE those that doubt me and want to write me off?

I’m returning the favor!

Believe me Roxi, this Rebellious Vixen is as passionate and as motivated as ever to do the one thing you are beginning to forget how to do, and the one thing she was best at and that’s to do what you love for the heart and the passion of this business and to BE that inspiration to so many that look up to you all while showing them that you can silence ANY and ALL doubt that comes your way!

THAT, to me, Roxi… DEFINES what REBELLIOUS really is!”

I looked down at the ‘doubts’ that I overcame, confident in knowing that on Sunday, I will continue to overcome them with a massive victory against Roxi.

October 14, 2021

“It’s been three weeks…” I tried to tell my sister Adrianna as she gathered up the last of the things she had at my home and was heading toward the front door. My best friend Jazmyn Rain was there with me as well. “...how can you STILL be mad at me after three weeks?”

I could hear Adrianna sigh in frustration.

“You PROMISED ME you were NOT going to be taking part in matches like that Barbwire Explosion thing again and then you turn around and take a Chamber of Xtreme challenge for High Stakes? What the hell is wrong with you?”

“What was I supposed to say? No?”

“...it would have been nice, Myra.”

“But if I had said no then…”

“Then you would’ve had people judging you and mocking you for rejecting a challenge from Jessie Salco. Is that it? Did you have to protect your fucking ego?”

“Adrianna, it’s not like that…” Jazmyn interjected, attempting to mediate the whole situation. “I completely understand that you went through a lot watching Myra put herself through what she did last month. She’s not trying to ‘protect her ego’. On the contrary, she’s trying to prove that she can overcome what honestly, has become the biggest psychological obstacle of her SCW career to date. Taking the match proves that she’s the best role model not just for you, but for Kimberly too…”

“Why do you not trust me on this, Adri?” I asked her.

“You broke a promise to me that you’d never put yourself at risk like that again…” she said with her eyes narrowing in half-anger yet also half-worry. “...and when someone breaks a promise to me, I can’t be around them. I’m going to be at Scotty’s and I don’t know when, or if, I am coming back. Don’t try to get in touch with me…”

“Adrianna, come on…” Jazmyn said.

“I’m sorry Jaz, but I can’t be around her right now. She made a promise. She broke it. YOU of all people would know about Myra breaking promises to you right? How many times has she promised you she wouldn’t treat you like dirt only for her to do it again eventually?”

I could only wince internally from that low blow my own sister just took at me.

“Stay away from me, Myra. I mean that. I can’t even look at you right now.”

Adrianna was out the door before I could say another word. Before I could take that moment in, Jazmyn came up to me and wrapped an arm around me.

“Let her go and give her some time. You’ve got to focus on you right now and find the old Myra again…”

This reshaped my focus for the moment, albeit reluctantly, as we sat down near her purse.

“Remember this?” she asked me as she pulled out an old 4x5 photo of me in my senior prom gown and prom queen tiara. My heart lit up seeing that old memory from 2002.

“Of course…” I said, my eyes lighting up. “In all her glory: so happy, vibrant, carefree, not worrying about what other people thought of her, not taking EVERY single ounce of adversity to heart… that’s EXACTLY the Myra I want to find again…”

Time to reflect on happier times again…

May 2002

“Congratulations!!!”

Jazmyn almost wanted to shriek with joy when we hugged each other moments after I was crowned prom queen!

“I wasn’t surprised. After all, you ARE and have been the most popular girl in the whole school!”

I was happy, but I was almost in complete disbelief. Part of me wanted to shed tears of joy the moment the tiara was put on my head.

“I never asked for this… at all…”

“Hey, when you’re you and when you don’t try to be what you’re not, it does go a long way! We should SO celebrate this soon…”

“I AGREE!” I said with an excited pitch in my voice. “What do you suggest? DisneyWorld?”

“Um… I was thinking more like sneaking into a college party somewhere and fucking shit up, you know? Tag some cars, hide some beers, get with some frat boys for the night and…”

“Are you talking about fucking shit up or fucking yourself up?” I asked her, laughing after I said that. “Oh Jazmyn. You wild child! Besides, I’m not going to cheat on my boyfriend with a one night stand. Oh, I know! SHOPPING SPREE! Everything on my dad’s credit card!”

“YES! Brilliant!”

Jazmyn and I high fived and hugged each other before we went across the dance floor. I was greeted with nothing but smiles and hugs from some of my friends along the way.

“Congratulations” a young man who would be Jazmyn’s future husband said to me.

“You really are the most beautiful person in the world!” my then boyfriend said when we crossed paths.

“You were always the raddest and COOLEST person EVER!” a mutual female friend of ours stated. I was feeling all of the love in my heart.

“I hope you never change…” Scotty said to me. “I think you’re going to do great at my father’s wrestling school.”

“Scotty, I KNOW I am going to do great! No need to remind me. Besides, I’m not thinking about that right now! I just want to have fun! I mean… HELLO? Prom queen?”

I laughed some more, showing off more of my brighter spirit.

“Right, yes. Of course.” Scotty said with a chuckle. “Congratulations again!”

“Thank you!” I said with joy as we embraced once more. Jazmyn and I continued on with our senior prom and all I could remember was how I was certainly feeling like the toast of the town and how elated and happy I was. I knew that in a matter of hours, I’d be miserable again being at home with my father, but that was the furthest thing from my mind. I was happy. This was my final moment of glory before my high school graduation and that is all I gave a damn about.

Present Day

Coming out of that memory, all I could do was sigh in regret.

“That afterparty was amazing, wasn’t it?” Jazmyn asked.

“Especially when the cops busted it and we all had to bail…” I said with a soft chuckle. “God, I miss her. I have tried to relax and have a little more fun. I went to a country club in Atlanta and tried to socialize and I felt so out of place. I took Kimberly to DisneyWorld in Orlando and while I was happy that she was happy, I wasn’t feeling it myself.”

“Why don’t WE do something fun right now?”

Hearing Jazmyn say this caught me by surprise.

“When we always had fun, it was mostly foolproof. You like Real Housewives?”

“Ew! No! That is garbage television.”

“Oh I agree! I just like laughing at all the Karens. OH, I know! We can watch some old music videos from back in the day! We should find that EVERYBODY video from the Backstreet Boys!”

“Ewww… N’Sync was SO much better…”

“PFFFT! Overrated!”

“Jaz, are we NOT having that never ending debate we had when we were teens. Come on! Just put on an N’Sync video and we can jam to it like we always did!”

“But I want the Backstreet Boys damn it. I know! Rock, Paper, Scissors. Yeah, that’s how we always settled things!”

“FINE!” I said, partially annoyed but partially amused.

“Rock, paper, scissors SHOOT!” We both said in unison as I picked paper and she picked rock.

“UGH! N’SUCK it is…” Jazmyn said amusingly. “Which song?”

“It’s Gonna Be Me?”

Jazmyn shrugged as she turned on my television to connect to YouTube. However, before Jazmyn can search for the song, a recommendation titled “MYRA EXPLODES IN BARBWIRE” with a screencap of my Violent Conduct match pops up front and center.

Whatever good mood I was building up instantly dissipated. I was staring right at a trigger that was making me feel heartbroken and melancholy all over again and Jazmyn saw that heartbroken look on my face.

“Myra, ignore that. I know it’s hard for you. But, we’re past that now.”

Seeing just the recommendation was enough to take me back to a psychological dark place that I had been in and out of ever since.

“Look, you can’t allow that match to be another ‘Luciana’ moment. You overcame that. How can you be stuck on this? I don’t understand why seeing such a stupid recommendation bothers you. You gave it your best and that’s all that matters no matter what anyone has to say. We’re over this…”

“...I’m not…” I admitted, much to her surprise. “...it will never be enough…”

“Myra…” Jazmyn said with a sigh.

“She said it seemingly ad nauseum...in so many different ways.. It will never be enough. I will never be enough.”

I was fighting them back, but I could feel the tears coming.

“I’m not over it because I will never forget what I felt when I woke up again…”

“What did you feel?”

“...I felt like I was never going to be a world champion again…”

September 13, 2021

2:36 AM.

The morning after Violent Conduct.

I was wide awake on my hospital bed. I can feel various stings going throughout me from the cuts that had to be bandaged and some even stitched. I felt this incredible soreness that made me feel like I couldn’t move. Then, I felt this unbelievable burning sensation on my right arm that was causing me to wince in pain and narrow my eyes to cope with it. I looked at my right arm and saw a four inch long stitching on my right tricep. I widened my eyes, shocked by this. My head was pounding. I looked around the room seeing if the SCW Bombshells World Championship was around. It wasn’t.

My heart began to sink.

Violent Conduct was on replay and I had awoken just in time to see the explosive ending. When I saw Amber Ryan with the world championship out of all of that?

My heart didn’t just sink… it exploded. And when it did, nothing but the reality that my window of opportunity to be SCW Bombshells World Champion, a reality that was excruciating, was pouring through me now.

“You will never be enough…” a voice in my head told me. “You will never be enough. Never be enough. Never be enough.”

It pounded my conscience again and again.

“You will never be good enough to be SCW Bombshells World Champion…” I thought to myself as the tears started to fall. You will never be the hero to your loved ones that you’ve tried so hard to be. You will never be the mother that Kimberly deserves to have… you second rate, choking, no-good FAILURE! That Internet title reign was a mirage and it’s all downhill from here. Accept it…”

I was thinking about ALL the words Amber Ryan had said to me in recent months ranging from being insecure, to ‘needing her to be relevant’, and especially to the one recurring thought that was stabbing me in my subconscious so hard it broke and made me numb to the point of feeling a sickening, tingling sensation down my spine for about 30 seconds:

“You will never be enough”

I squinted my eyes resulting in more tears slowly falling down my face and then I felt a chill pour through my shoulders…

“Amber is right… I will never be enough…”

I didn’t cry myself back to sleep. I obsessively rewatched the match, over and over and over again, all but accepting a falsehood that I no longer had the strength to fight back against…

This acceptance kept me numb to the point where I cut myself off from everyone. I began to doubt everything I was all about. And I even questioned if I ever wanted to wrestle again.

Rock bottom came for me once more… and like it always does, it hit me incredibly hard…

Present Day

Jazmyn’s eyes widened in shock and she was left in stunned silence when I told her about what happened in the hospital. I got up as did she.

“Let’s switch places…” I told her in a sullen tone. We sat down and Jazmyn was sitting to my right instead of my left. I rolled up my right sleeve and showed Jazmyn a four inch scar on my right tricep that had formed after the stitches were taken out.

“Oh my GOD…” Jazmyn said with a gasp.

“Every time this scar comes into view, Violent Conduct plays in my head all over it and I am reminded of my failure and how right Amber was all along. I feel like all I am doing is regressing…”

“You’re not…”

“The Myra you knew 12 years ago wouldn’t be going through the emotions I’ve been going through for the last month because unlike NOW, I didn’t give a crap about my reputation in this business… at least nowhere near as much as I stress and burden myself over it now. That’s regression…”

“Myra…” Jazmyn begins with a concerned pitch in her voice. “...that was just in the moment, right? In the hospital? You REALLY don’t believe Amber is right and that you’ll never be enough.”

“...I do…” I said, causing Jazmyn to sigh and worry.

“Don’t, Myra! PLEASE don’t! You know in your heart that’s not true! You know in your heart that the majority of nonsense she said about you isn’t true and even what little IS true is just an exaggeration to begin with just to make herself feel better. You know the mantra, Myra! You have to BELIEVE! What other people say about you DOESN’T matter! What matters is…”

“Jaz… that mantra is outdated now. Right now? I feel like the biggest fucking failure on the Bombshells roster and have since Violent Conduct. If that old mantra from 2008 is true to the letter, then I really am a failure… and I never WILL be enough…”

“QUIT IT!” Jazmyn said in a louder pitch. “The mantra still works…”

I lost my cool for the moment.

“AMBER FUCKING BROKE ME!” I screamed at her, causing her to quiet down. “I had TWO chances against her… and I FAILED! That fucking KILLS ME, Jaz.”

I broke down and lost it, finding myself in another embrace with Jazmyn and a shoulder to cry on.

“Don’t let it kill you anymore than it already has…” Jazmyn said in a tone that made me realize she was crying too. It’s going to be okay…”

“It won’t… not when it’s in my head day after day after day…”

“Losing twice to Amber doesn’t mean she’s right. Quit doing this to yourself. Why is this all coming out NOW?”

“I tried EVERYTHING…” I began, as our embrace broke and I looked back at my lifelong best friend. “...I bottled it all up. I didn’t want to be sad. I wanted to be strong… even if I had to fake most, if not all of it, when the cameras were on. But this has destroyed me for the past month to the point where any little reminder triggers me… she broke me, Jaz… she broke me…”

Jazmyn could only give me a look in her eyes that indicates she was really feeling my pain as I told her about something that happened at Climax Control 312…

Climax Control 312

I was packed up and ready to head out. I was feeling better following my win over Bea Barnhart and a little bit more determined after that Jessie Salco confrontation. I just happened to glance at a nearby monitor when I saw Roxi Johnson and Christina Rose co-winning the main event to punch their tickets to High Stakes against Amber Ryan.

Suddenly, I forgot that my win against Bea even happened.

I felt a gutting devastation that was crippling me.

“It will never be enough…” I told myself in my head again. “Even when you succeed like you did tonight against Bea, it will never, EVER be enough. They are in the Bombshells main event of High Stakes and you’re not. It will NEVER be enough…”

At this point, “it will never be enough” repeated in my conscience again and again until I went to the outlet the monitor was plugged into and I ripped the plug out of the socket. As those five words kept repeating in my head in an endless loop?

I felt sad that it could’ve been me going into the event as the SCW Bombshells World Champion and it wouldn’t be.

I felt empty, feeling like everything I had worked hard for in SCW, especially that record breaking Internet Championship reign, meant nothing.

I felt regret with the perceived reality in my head making me feel as if I was never, ever going to live up to the potential I always wanted to live up to as a professional wrestler. When it occurred to me that Amber, Christina and Roxi were most likely going to be the main event for the Bombshells division, I felt sick to my stomach.

In the moment, it felt like it was never going to get better for me no matter how hard I tried. Forget eight years ago when I lost my last match before my maternity retirement to my biggest rival ever: Summer XXXtreme and Violent Conduct became my new collective cross to bear… a cross that I was beginning to feel in this moment was going to crucify me out of professional wrestling for good.

I felt like I was about to break down again. But I flashed a fake smile just to feel something different.

I grabbed my belongings and left the Climax Control event as fast as I could to avoid the possibility of anyone in the locker room seeing me cry. Once I got into my rental car and turned it on, I let it all out again… the hurt, the regret, the emptiness… all drowning me in the feeling that nothing I do in my career will ever be good enough…

Present Day

My eyes were thankfully starting to dry as I explained how I felt when reality set in that I wasn’t going to be in the High Stakes main event. Jazmyn let out a sigh, although I noticed it was more out of frustration than anything.

“How can you let that woman have so much power over you?” Jazmyn asked me, surprising me to the point where I was floored. “It is so frustrating that literally the STRONGEST PERSON I’VE EVER MET… and the person that mentored and trained me to be part of this business, is letting someone like Amber Ryan BREAK HER like this! You’re BETTER than that, Myra. How the HELL do you expect to ever find your old self and who you really are when you are stuck killing yourself AND HURTING YOURSELF WITH A BUNCH OF LIES THAT SOMEONE LIKE THAT FUCKING CUNT AMBER, WHO BY THE WAY, DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING IN THE BIG PICTURE, filled your FRAGILE LITTLE HEAD WITH?”

“Jaz…” I said, further shocked by her sudden anger.

“The Myra that I grew up with? She NEVER gave a FUCK about what ANYONE else thought of her. When you find out someone said something bad about you, you scoffed it off, you let it roll off of your back and you moved on. Honestly, if prom queen Myra jumped into a time machine and come to this moment and saw YOU like this, she would be DISGUSTED at the woman she’s going to grow up to be. I understand that everything that happened cauterized and emotionally wounded the shit out of you and I, of all people, who has struggled to win ANY title these last three years, definitely understand the disappointment of losing to someone like THAT twice in a row, but having a fucking PITY PARTY where you keep telling yourself IT’LL NEVER BE ENOUGH over and over and over again and being Amber Ryan’s BITCH isn’t going to FUCKING SOLVE ANYTHING!”

“How am I…”

“Myra, losing twice to Amber isn’t what makes you her bitch. It’s how you defeat yourself and want to admit that she was ‘right’ that makes you her bitch. Would Prom Queen Myra have ever allowed herself to be beneath anyone? Even for a moment? Actually, let me hit this closer to home for you. In your early wrestling career when you were breaking out and winning your first three world championships… would the woman that at the time called herself the REBELLIOUS VIXEN EVER quit and allow someone else to be right about her even when she wasn’t?”

“...no… because the Rebellious Vixen was hellbent on shutting people up and proving people wrong no matter what it took. She didn’t allow ANYONE to define her.”

“Myra, let me put it to you like this. You ARE enough. You’ve ALWAYS been enough! You will ALWAYS be enough! If Amber was right about you, would you have ever even made it to the mainstream let alone accomplish everything that you have, especially in SCW? You are enough to be the SCW Bombshells World Champion and if you weren’t SCW would’ve never hired you at all. You ARE enough, as you are in your heart, no matter what some bullshit, insecure fucking BITCH wants to say otherwise. You don’t need to fake anything or be anything other than you! You, as you are today, are enough. You want to find that old Myra that you were again? You accept things as they are today whether you like what happened or not. You accept your failures, you accept your shortcomings. You don’t try to run and hide and make excuses. You don’t try to fake smile your way through them. You embrace who the fuck you are, flaws and strengths alike, and you accept the flaws and the strengths that you had back then. When you do that, what you were before and what you are now comes together in perfect harmony and you are the best version of yourself you can possibly be!

You ARE enough… say it….”

I cringed for a bit, feeling quite unsure.

“Say it Myra. I want to hear it.”

“I am enough…” I said with a hesitant tone…


“I’m not convinced…”

“I AM enough…” I said with a more forceful confident vibe.

“Once more with FEELING, damn it!”

“I AM ENOUGH!!!!!!”

“There you go!”

“All these years of changing this and changing that because I felt like it wasn’t good enough, all these years of the same pattern of me hating and being insecure with myself just because I don’t fulfill my own lofty expectations, all this time being tempted to go back to my old evil ways or regretting this part of my past and that part of my past and feeling like I have to keep overcoming it over and over and over… I am FUCKING DONE WITH IT, JAZMYN! I’m DONE! I will NEVER be the best version of myself if I keep falling into the same pattern over and OVER again! You mentioned the Rebellious Vixen…”

“...I did…” Jazmyn said with a smile as she was becoming happy that I was having an epiphany.

“I remember… how she never beat herself up for anything… how she would ENJOY taking the words of other people and shoving them right up their ass… how no matter what the circumstances were, she would always find a way to pull through and give it her best and would always remain confident through any adversity that tried to bring her down. She never regretted anything. She never used the past to bring herself down and make her feel like she wasn’t worthy of anything. She is who I have to find again…

...she is who I need to BE again…”

“Are you saying… what I think you’re saying?”

“It’s not going to be overnight. I’ve got to rediscover everything about her that made her so special…” I paused, slightly giving myself a moment of hesitation as I wondered if what I was about to say was something that I could commit to. But my heart was telling me in an instant that making the commitment I was about to make was the right thing for me to do… “...which I will. Jaz?

It’s time to bring “Rebellious” back…”

“I have been waiting almost a DECADE for you to say that!!!” Jazmyn exclaimed with joy. We gave each other an embrace and suddenly, I was flowing with joy in my own heart knowing that my latest epiphany gave me just the answers that I needed to find.

Now? I knew exactly WHO I needed to find and WHO I needed to be in this business…

And with that figured out? 

It was time to start the process of being the best version of myself I could ever possibly be in this business…

October 15, 2021

I was down in my basement and feeling quite strange throwing it back to an old era of my career. I was looking in the mirror dressed in my old ring gear from 2009 where instead of wrestling pants now, I was wearing wrestling shorts then, as I am right now with black being the color. Instead of the basic, sleeveless top I wear these days with just wrist tape on my wrists, I would wear a sparking matching top with sleeves that would extend from my wrist to the top of my elbow. The sleeves are visible, but the top is covered by an old, black colored t-shirt with a pink, bubble gum style font that says “Rebellious” on it. Add on “Say I” by Christina Milian playing in the background on my iPhone and the nostalgia, along with the immense happiness of being the ‘Rebellious Vixen’ again, even for a promo for the time being, had be feeling loose and free for the first time in nearly a decade as I sat on a nearby stool, turned toward the camera and began to express my thoughts.

“Notice anything different about me? Yeah, I am having a special flashback Friday here. Earlier in my career, from 2008 to 2013, the ‘Rebellious Vixen’ is what they knew me as back in PRW. So you’re wondering WHY I am presenting this to you. Well, take a good long look because in due time, this is what I am going to be again. You see, the Rebellious Vixen was a CONFIDENT, STRONG woman that didn’t give a SHIT about what anyone thought of her… a total contrast to what I have been here when I’ve addressed some criticisms at me and even taken them to heart out of my own insecurities. With the Rebellious Vixen? Insecure was a foreign language to her. She knew what her goals were and losing a match didn’t break her. It pushed her to become stronger… unlike me after Blast from the Past and my two losses to Amber where I questioned myself and wondered if I would ever be good enough. She went out and she won SO many big matches. In fact, my second world championship occurred in a Hell in a Cell match and I was defending that title on PRW’s grandest stage a month later… SUCCESSFULLY! The Rebellious Vixen was a personable, popular woman who INTERACTED with the masses that fell in love with her and did everything she could to make them happy… unlike who I’ve been in SCW from the start where while I love my fans, I have been mainly cold and distant from them and they don’t see me as someone they can count on. You see… the Rebellious Vixen was… dare I say… a SUPERHERO of sorts that would ALWAYS do the right thing and silence and put in their place ANYONE that DARED threatened the sanctity of this business.

And because I got insecure with myself when someone beat me for my third world title…and then I’d lose to that person two more times…

I slowly began to give up on her to the point where… well… in 2013 that’s exactly what I did. From the bottom of my heart, giving up on her was the biggest non-match regret of my career. I should have evolved her and continued to make her better and instead I abandoned the personality that made me what I was in this business. For so long, I didn’t stay true to myself and even here in SCW, while I’ve been MOSTLY true to myself, there have STILL been missing pieces to the puzzle. I’ve FOUND those missing pieces now… and I just need to figure out where they fit and that starts with YOU, Roxi Johnson. This is the second time we’ve faced each other and the first? You know that I beat you. You gave me one hell of a fight though, at Into the Void. Prior to Summer XXXtreme, you were without question the toughest challenger I had faced during my reign. But there is ONE thing I DO want to mention from that experience Roxi, and that’s the fact that going into that match, you expressed concern and worry about me and you were worried that I would fall back to my old, evil ways once my reign was over.

Well, my reign IS over, Roxi.

Yes, I had two heartbreaking losses to Amber.

Yes, I felt like I was on the verge of giving up on this, on both occasions. Yes, I beat myself up after the fact both times.

Yet, here I stay. Yet, I DIDN'T cave and go back to my old ways. Actually, I am now… sort of… but NOT in the way you were thinking of. No, I am BATTLING BACK! I am facing Jessie at High Stakes in that Chamber of Xtreme match, a match that she has never lost. But before I deal with that, I have to deal with you. In a way, I envy you, Roxi… and it’s not because of High Stakes and because you’re going to be challenging for the world title. I envy you because I see you and I see the wrestler that I could’ve been had I never given up on the Rebellious Vixen that had made me such a success in the early part of my career. You have had your ups and downs. You have taken a lot of shit from people. You have suffered some BRUTAL losses… even to Amber just like I have. You have taken your lumps losing to wrestlers you would normally beat 9 times out of 10 in Johanna Krieger and Ruby Steele. You have suffered some tough losses to the likes of Andrea Hernandez. And yet, not only are you still here… you are still YOU! You are STILL everything that you have always been right down to your core because you are STRONG ENOUGH to NEVER give up on who you are… unlike me… that’s what I envy you for. I see you and I see what could’ve been… and I see what still CAN BE. You see, this match for me Roxi, despite the high stakes that surround it, I am going into my first match in SO LONG a free spirit. I know that the stakes just might be that I can put myself in front of the world title line post-High Stakes with a win over you, but that’s not my goal on Sunday.

My mission on Sunday, Roxi, is to rediscover every piece of the Rebellious Vixen puzzle that I can against you knowing exactly what I have to do to be the best version of myself again, to reconnect with my younger self and finally find a perfect harmony with her. You are everything that reminds me of my old self: strong, confident, brave, resilient, coming back time and time again to prove people wrong no matter how many times… EVERYTHING I want to be at one hundred percent again. I AM going to beat you, don’t get me wrong on that. But while I do so, I am going to pick your brain and figure out exactly what I need to do to put myself back together again. You’re not facing the Myra that put pressure on herself in her match against you at Into the Void. No, that’s not who you are going to get. You’re not going to get the Myra that was hellbent on breaking records all while unconsciously holding herself down with the weight of her past being on her shoulders and feeling like she has to atone for it. Now? I don’t feel like I need to atone for anything anymore and I’m not focused on overcoming my past.

I got nothing to lose on Sunday except for this match and come hell or high water, I’m NOT doing that. But you, Roxi? It’s ALL on you… that pressure that weighed me down for years, including my entire SCW run up to this point. You’re in that High Stakes main event and you HAVE to live up to that. You HAVE to have the momentum going into High Stakes. You HAVE to have that because somewhere in your soul, there’s this sneaky little voice that is telling you that if you can’t beat me, you’re not beating Amber. You can deny it internally all you want, but whether you realize it or not, that is weighing on your soul. Believe me, I felt that TONS of times so far in my SCW career. I felt it when I faced Christina a few months ago. I felt it when I faced Alicia not that long ago. That weight is on YOUR shoulders, Roxi. Going into the four-way, you even admitted that you were ‘content but not satisfied’... and you and I both know that you felt JUST THAT when you and Christina co-won that four way. Sure, content that you are going to High Stakes… but could you REALLY be satisfied with the fact that you couldn’t win it outright? You’re not. We both know that!

That weighs on you. You talked about how you were not going to accept anything less than a victory. What if it wasn’t you, Roxi? What if Christina was the only one coming out of that match as a winner challenging for the world title at High Stakes? You wouldn’t have taken it well. What, with you repeating the “content but not satisfied” mantra over and over again. I get that you want to be the world champion again and that this is why we do what we do, but… you see… there was another reason why I described you the way I did besides comparing you to the old self I am aiming to be again. I wasn’t the only comparison I was going for. I was also bringing up how I see you personally to compare you to the way you’ve been acting lately because this whole ‘content but not satisfied’ mantra feels SO out of character for you. You care about being a world champion and all, but I don’t recall a time where you took being a world champion THIS much to heart. You’ve always felt like a go with the flow type to me and now you’ve reached a point where anything less than a victory is satisfactory? To me, that sounds like someone that’s fragile enough to crack at any misstep. Hell, I’M the one worrying about YOU and how YOU are going to cope with a defeat, ironically enough. I worry that beating you is going to take you from ‘content but not satisfied’ to absolutely desperate. What is driving you so damn hard? Is it the fact that the two women you’re in that match with are women you have less than stellar history with? Is it the fact that last year, Christina and Amber were beating you on a constant basis?

Does this have anything to do with the fact that the last time you were world champion, you did it to ‘redeem yourself’ only to have a much shorter reign than you wanted when CHRISTINA of all people beat you? I’m POSITIVE that it STILL pains you, Roxi. I am confident when I say that the fact that you have NOT regained the title since then places a HUGE chip on your shoulder that drives you to carry yourself as out of character as you have. You know what GROWS that chip on your shoulder? The fact that last year at High Stakes, Amber Ryan beat you. Don’t tell me, someone that until recently had an extremely hard time letting go of things, that it’s not a motivator for your hardcore world title push. In a way, High Stakes presents a perfect opportunity for you because you get to not only beat your sworn enemy, the same one that beat you last year at High Stakes, but you also get to beat the woman that ended your last world title run. It’s the perfect fairy tale, right?

Take it from the woman that had the perfect fairy tale of winning the world title for her sister on her 350th day as Internet Champion and her 37th birthday… don’t get married to that idea.

Your recent attitude reminds me SO much of the attitude that I am working hard day after day to break away from. That chip on your shoulder can only grow so big Roxi, and that is a lesson I have learned the hard way in recent months. I am going to tell you, again from experience and from seeing the same signs in you, that if you focus too much on trying to make up for the past like High Stakes last year or the night your last world title reign ended, you are NOT going to win the World title at High Stakes this year. Hell, I’ll even be as bold as saying that you’re not even going to beat me because unlike you, I am not carrying the burdens of my past anymore. It wasn’t just Amber being better than me twice that cost me the world title, it was focusing too hard on the past and trying to make up for it in the worst way that cost me too. I’m not saying this to bring you down or to criticize you, Roxi. I am doing this to help you… hell… to warn you about your recent ‘not satisfied’ attitude and the consequences of what can happen if you take that attitude too far… if you haven’t done so already. Take it from someone who went on that roller coaster and who nearly lost her career because of it.

That pressure is all on you on Sunday Roxi, and I hate to say it because I respect you and everything, but it’s all going to collapse on you like a house of cards. I am going to beat you and make you doubt and question yourself going into High Stakes, not because I WANT to… because that’s the last thing I want to do… but because you’re not going to handle it well. This loss coming to you on Sunday is going to hurt you, hurt your momentum and hurt your confidence because you’re going to wonder if you REALLY deserve to be at High Stakes especially since you couldn’t get that title shot outright. It’s ironic to a degree… that to find the puzzle pieces to rediscover the Rebellious Vixen and to find a perfect harmony with her to be the best version of myself possible… I have to fight and beat the woman that not only is an EXAMPLE of what I can be and WANT to be again… but has become an EXAMPLE of what I’ve BEEN throughout my SCW career and what I am trying to NEVER be again: someone who is…

Well…

Content…

But not satisfied…

Come Sunday, when I pick up a HUGE win against you and when I continue to rediscover EVERYTHING that made my younger self a very special woman and a very special wrestler, I will continue to show this division, REGARDLESS of whether who loves me or hate me, that I AM enough… and that I WILL be enough to be the SCW Bombshells World Champion.

Sunday is when I begin to REALLY break free from my burdens and progress toward being that amazing, wonderful, carefree, light hearted soul that I once was, and will be again.

Nothing personal Roxi…

You just happen to be my obstacle, and a very fitting one at that, that happens to be in the way of my journey of a REBELLIOUS rediscovery…

After Sunday? You’re going to be the one that carries an envy toward me…

I give a bit of a confident wink, showing that I’m not afraid of how Roxi will take those words that I just told her and expressing a strong conviction on top of that. I shut off the camera feeling incredibly strong. Turning back toward the mirror… I was feeling like I really am the wrestler that I was born to be for the first time in a decade.

For the first time in so long, I feel like I can smile and be genuinely happy with myself again...

And this is only the beginning...

“I get it now…

My entire journey in Sin City Wrestling has been about facing up to my past and overcoming my fears of failure, created by insecurities, which in turn were caused by the most heartbreaking losses of my career that I continued to accrue and never let go of over the years. But facing my past failures and overcoming almost all of them, particularly when I fought that practice match against Victoria and when I shattered the paintings of my most heartbreaking losses, finally opened my eyes to a perspective that I sorely needed.

As a result? All of those fears that I had going into my match against Amber are gone. I’m not worrying about ‘last chance’, the ‘window closing’ and being forced to the back of the line anymore. I’m not afraid of never winning another world championship again. I am so much stronger than I have ever been in my career. All I need to do now is take one last step regarding my past and overcome the most haunting, heartbreaking loss of my entire career…

When I overcome that, at long last? The strength that I will accrue in my heart and soul will be immeasurable!

It’ll be that strength that will allow me to take that final step and FINALLY become the World Champion I’ve always dreamed of being…”

Labor Day

The painting that I did not shatter in my previous promo, that of Luciana Verdoza defeating me in my final match in PRW back in April of 2013, was prominent in my living room as Jazmyn Rain and I were looking at that moment. At this point, I felt a cold determination sweeping through me as I remembered that painful evening and that feeling of letting down my loved ones.

“Amber is a saint compared to Luciana…” I told Jazmyn, who widened her eyes in surprise. “As big of a rival as Amber is, she’s never truly wanted to hurt me… psychologically anyway. Luciana did and that’s why our rivalry was so intense and so personal. That’s why it was so heartbreaking when she handed me the most devastating loss of my career. She and Amber have similarities though, and for all of my heartbreaking past I’ve overcome already, I know that in order to defeat Amber, I HAVE to find a way to overcome this and heal my shattered spirit from that fateful night…”

“You’ve overcome everything else and I am so proud of you for doing so with the way you won that practice match with Victoria…” Jazmyn reminds me. “You’re going to overcome this too, no matter how horribly hard this is for you.”

“I know I will… somehow...” I said, with no hesitation at all and with the readiness in my heart to face the biggest obstacle I have ever had in my career.

“Myra...” I could hear my half-sister Adrianna say. Jazmyn and I looked over and we saw Adrianna, who was still recovering from that near-fatal accident, wheelchair herself into the living room holding her phone. “You are NOT going to believe the video I just saw… and holy hell, please destroy that painting of that god awful moment...”

“When I’m ready, Adrianna...” I said with a sigh. “What video?”.


“Luciana…” Adrianna said, causing a chill to go down my spine as an indication of any remaining trauma from losing that match to her. “...that bitch decides to come out of the woodwork and suddenly release a video trashing you and calling you out...”

“You’ve got to be KIDDING ME!” Jazmyn exclaims. “Why NOW, just before Myra goes into the biggest match of her career?”

“She’s trying to bring me down again…”

“Don’t let her…” Jazmyn reminds me.

Jazmyn and I went to my couch to sit down while Adrianna had the video ready on her phone.

Then? The video played.

Luciana was sitting on her couch, with numerous 8 by 10’s of the moment she pinned me eight years ago, and she had a wide smirk on her face with nothing but evil intentions in her eyes.

“MYRA! Hi! I know you’re watching this right now. You remember me, right? Luciana? Yeah, of course you do. I’ve only been living in your head rent free for the last eight years or so.

‘I dedicate this last match of my career to my dead mom and unborn daughter… HAHAHAHA… oh man, that was the best birthday present EVER for me to DESTROY that. Oh wait, maybe I should refresh your memory…”

I was mainly chill… until Luciana’s video cut to that horrible moment: her pinning me in that match… a match that I thought was going to be my last. This was followed by her celebrating at my expense while I was slumped in the corner, shocked and dismayed that in the last match in a company that I vowed to always defend from villains like her, I failed… and I failed my mother and Kimberly on top of that. I focused on the tears I was already shedding as Luciana pointed and laughed at me before continuing her celebration. Seeing this all over again sucked the motivation out of me.

Once the video cut back to Luciana, my eyes narrowed with anger. My nerves were getting jumpy and I could feel my heartbeat increase.

“...I broke you that night, Myra. You are STILL broken from that night! That’s why you won’t beat Amber Ryan. That’s why you’ll NEVER be SCW Bombshells Champion. That’s why she’s going to end your career very soon. Your career is going to end just like it did eight years ago: getting beaten in a world championship match by a rival of yours that will always be superior to you, shattering your heart, and leaving you CRYING in the locker room about being a failure that will never be world champion again. I’m calling you out. A CELEBRATION at the Space Needle in Seattle, on me! Thursday night. I’ll celebrate your LEGACY OF FAILURE right in front of your face and remind you why I will ALWAYS be superior to you… assuming you’re not going to continue to run away like you have the last eight years HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! See you there… maybe. I can’t wait to see you fail your loved ones again when Amber shatters your ass one last time!”

The video ended and that regret of losing that match to her came flooding back. My spirit completely sank with eight year old wounds suddenly bleeding again.

“Myra, this is your chance to finally face this…” Jazmyn insisted.

“She’s right. That match… I still haven’t fully recovered from it... Of everything I’ve ever dealt with in my career, that match was the most psychologically traumatic match I ever wrestled in. I can’t take this right now. Can I really overcome this? Or will that awful night stick with me for the rest of my life? If so… I’m never going to be a world champion again. I need to go to bed.”

With a heavy, burdened heart, I went upstairs and went to bed for the night. I fell asleep with my heart and soul filled with regret, doubting that my darkest cloud would ever go away.

April 24, 2013

I found myself dreaming about that awful night of my match with Luciana Verdoza in PRW again. Fortunately, the locker room was empty. I sat alone, moping in stunned silence. That regret was really pulling at my heartstrings as my spirit was torn on mourning my rock bottom or finally fighting it.

“Even now… I wish I never lost that match. Luciana, my biggest rival ever, beating me on that big of a stage was bad enough, but under those circumstances where I let EVERYONE down and felt like I failed as a mother seven months before Kimberly was born?  For more than eight years, that awful night has burdened me and no matter how hard I try, it just never seems to go away. That match destroyed me and altered the course of my career… my LIFE! My confidence and self-esteem was nuked to the point that when I came back to wrestling, I lost faith in myself and did the awful things I had done in GCW for years. Those worries and insecurities about my abilities have ALWAYS stuck in my conscience, even during that Internet title reign. I don’t know if I am strong enough to defeat this. Nothing will ever top this as the worst night of my career…” I admitted to myself.

“You can and WILL overcome this, Miranda. I believe in you!” I heard the voice of my mother next to me as she sat by me. There was a combination of joy and relief knowing that I wasn’t about to have another nightmare as she sat down next to me.

“This was the emptiest I ever felt in my career…” I admitted. “I also felt guilty. Helpless. Alone. Destroyed. I felt worthless. I felt like a disgrace to PRW and the business that I love. I felt like I should’ve never become a wrestler at all and that I should never wrestle again. Basically? Luciana tied me down to a cross, took a sword, cut my chest open while I was awake, ripped my fucking heart out, and stabbed it into a million pieces… all while my confidence and my spirit bled until my career ended…”

“At one point, you worried that losing to Amber again would bring you back to all those feelings, didn’t you?”

I nodded. “That Luciana match was the biggest regret of my entire career.”

“How do you think things would be different if the result went the other way?”

“I would be far more confident and less secure in myself, for sure. I wouldn’t feel the need to redeem myself… and by the way, I don’t feel like I have redeemed myself at all, even to this very day. I HAVE to beat Amber to FINALLY move past this… or at least it feels that way. My career would be in a better place and I’d be a much freer spirit and a happier person knowing I accomplished everything I ever wanted in her career.”

“Are you sure, Miranda?” my mother asked. “Idealism is often far from reality.”

“I’m positive! I’d be in a much better place if I won that match.”

“Let’s test that theory… with one final lesson…”

“Huh?”

On a whim, my mother snapped her fingers and I got blinded by a flash of light.

September 12, 2021

I was staring at the Sullivan Arena with huge banners saying “VIOLENT CONDUCT: TONIGHT!”

“It’s a bold move… what you are doing…” the voice of Ricky, Kimberly’s father and my ex-husband, said to me. I was stunned to see him alive. “...you haven’t done anything with wrestling since you retired eight years ago.”

“Retired? But I wrestle for SCW…”

“Mommy, did you have that dream again about still wrestling?” Kimberly asked me from my right hand side.

“I am still with SCW. I wrestled for Carnage Wrestling, UWA, GCW, and even won the Global title there almost five years ago and…”

“Honey, did you fall and hit your head or something? You haven’t wrestled a match since you defeated Luciana Verdoza and retired from wrestling as the PRW World Champion, remember?”

I took a glance at my hand, realizing that in this reality, Ricky and I were still married.

“I won that match for my mother and made her proud… and I won that match for Kimberly…”

I was experiencing massive joy in my heart as I remembered the moment I beat her. Those awful feelings from losing that match being non-existent was a true bliss I had longed for.

“Rebel Bomb, center of the ring, then I locked her in her own submission move and made that BITCH tap out. It was the happiest ending I could’ve ever imagined. I am so blessed to have that.”

“I’m surprised you’d want to promote your tell-all book about your wrestling career to the SCW Bombshells locker room. You’ve really been distant from wrestling…”

“Look, I can inspire some women tonight, alright?” I paused, glancing at my purse and seeing that I had a backstage pass to the event. “I’ll see you both when the event is over.”

“Alright…” Ricky said as we exchanged a hug and a kiss. I hugged Kimberly as well before I made my way toward the building. To say that I was feeling elated would be an understatement. I was heading toward the arena when a shocked fan came up to me…

“Myra Rivers…” the fan said, narrowing his eyes with bitterness. “YOU of all people showing up at a wrestling event? What happened to being TOO GOOD to ever come back?”

“...I never said that…” I said, confused.

“Why don’t you go back to Miami and party with your Stepford Wives in your stupid little country club, you sellout bitch! And by the way, your tell-all book about your wrestling career was fucking garbage…”

The fan walked away from me as I scoffed in shock. I shook it off, though that comment really did cut me, as I finished my walk to the building. I was surprised to see a poster promoting Amber defending the SCW World Bombshell title against Roxi, Alicia and Christina in a four way ladder match. I walked inside the building, still feeling saddened by the ‘sellout bitch’ comment.

“What are you doing here?” I heard a woman ask me as I walked down the hallway. I turned to see Bea Barnhart, a member of the Bombshells roster. “Don’t you have a yacht in the Gulf of Mexico to sunbathe in or something Misses TOO GOOD FOR WRESTLING?”

“I’m here to promote my book about my career… Leah, right?”

“It’s BEA, stupid!” Bea snapped back. “Long before I became a wrestler, I saw what you accomplished in PRW and I was amazed by it. When you won your last match, it was amazing! You had ALL of your fans rooting for you and then in the last few years… you have done nothing but bash our business, stating that you wish you were never a part of it, telling everyone that would listen that you’d never want your daughter to be part of it because it’s beneath her and that you’d raise her to be a stronger woman than that. You are nothing but a piece of SHIT! You took your big moment and you went home to profit off of it! You STUPID! SELLOUT! BITCH!”

I was already starting to breathe hard, panicking and feeling grossly attacked. At that point, I uncharacteristically snapped at her.

“And what have YOU accomplished other than being someone else’s tagalong bitch of a wife, huh, Bea? Have you won any titles? NO! Have you accomplished ANYTHING in your career? NO! You are FUCKING JEALOUS OF ME that in ONE FUCKING NIGHT, when I won my last match and retired as a world champion, I accomplished MORE than you EVER WILL in your WHOLE LIFE… so don’t go around insulting someone that is BETTER than you and ALWAYS WILL BE!”

Kate Steele came into the picture now… and she spit right in my face.

“I don’t like you…” she said immediately. “You are SO arrogant, you know that? You want to come into OUR locker room and promote yourself like you’re the biggest legend of your generation, huh?”

“I AM! I’d say retiring as a world champion makes that a reality! Amber Ryan is just a wannabe in comparison!”

“Bitch, PRW has been dead for eight years. The casuals don’t even know that company anymore. You’re not a legend to me, Myra. You’re a NOBODY! You haven’t wrestled in more than eight years because you’re SCARED of facing REAL competition. Most of the PRW roster isn’t even in wrestling anymore. Who’s to say you weren’t a big fish in a small pond all along? Every time your face comes on my TV, I want to punch it. ‘Legend’ my ass. Take your perfect ending and SHOVE IT!”

“...okay…” I said with a tremble in my voice, feeling like I was totally lost and helpless. “...that’s… that’s your opinion. There’s no need to bring anyone down here…”

“Funny coming from the woman that did nothing but put down SCW years ago…” Jessie Salco said as she came toward the group. “Two years after you gave birth, SCW offered you a contract and you declined. You said that you were above wrestling in a ‘gimmick company’ and that people like me, Roxi Johnson, and Mercedes Vargas were not worth your time. Now you want to come into OUR yard and promote YOUR brand? I am not going to take ANYONE insulting the company that I bleed, sweat and cry for!”

“But…”

Jessie socked me right below the cheekbone, knocking me right to the floor. I was stunned while I stood up and tears formed in my eyes.

“Why does everyone hate me?” I asked. “I’m just trying to inspire you all to be better with my amazing story...”

The three women just laughed at me as Andrea Hernandez walked into the picture.

“So THIS is the woman I’ve drawn comparisons to?” Andrea asks with a scoff. “I grew up watching her do amazing things and yes, I did want to be just like her but… please… being compared to YOU is an INSULT!”

“How many SCW Bombshells World Championships between all four of you are there? Huh? Oh right, I have more world titles than all of you COMBINED! You don’t get to talk down to me. You don’t get to insult GREATNESS unlike anything ANY of you have ever achieved! Every single one of you is beneath me and if THIS is how a LEGEND like ME gets treated, then I am OUT OF HERE! I was ALWAYS too good for SCW and ALWAYS will be… so GOOD RIDDANCE! HATERS!”

“If you’re so AMAZING and such a LEGEND, why don’t you put your money where your mouth is, come out of retirement and sign with SCW?” Jessie asked me.

“She knows Amber Ryan would mop the floor with her…” Kate answered with a laugh. “Amber Ryan is a TRUE SCW legend right now and would completely end her career…”

“She’s not my cup of tea…” Bea states. “But she IS far more superior than Myra could ever dream of. She’ll never wrestle again because she’s a COWARD who is scared of being exposed as a fraud!”

“Myra, you wouldn’t last a DAY in SCW… “ Andrea said to me.  “In your miserable heart, you know that…”

The quartet all laughed at my expense before they all departed. I sat down in the hall, crying and alone. I thought back to the match where I ‘beat’ Luciana and felt some sort of misery. I realized right away that it wasn’t giving me the joy I would expect that memory to. The fact that they berated my legacy and dismissed it as a joke had me feeling extremely insecure with myself and regretting that I passed on SCW a few years ago.

“Maybe I should’ve come back after all…” I said through my tears. “...but it’s too late now! I’ve been gone for too long. I was willing to give up something that I loved for my own selfish desires and self-absorbed feelings. What did I give up by never coming back? It’s too late to ever be in SCW and to show them that my success in this business wasn’t a fluke. I have to carry that regret for the rest of my life…”

I saw my mother approaching me and she wasted no time sitting next to me. The scene switched back to the PRW locker room on that heartbreaking night.

“Why was I so… fragile and miserable? I became the OPPOSITE of who I am today. I thought having the perfect ending to my career would make me happy and strong…”

“Without that loss, you never learn anything.” my mother explained. “You never overcome the obstacles that you have by wrestling over the last six years, nor do you ever gain the maturity or the perspective that you do. You never gain the emotional strength that you gained from overcoming those obstacles. You never grow up and become a true professional wrestler. In that alternate reality? You’re as shallow and miserable as they come and you are a hated, forgotten woman in the business. Myra, things turned out the way they did with Luciana because that was MEANT to be that way for YOUR benefit. You can’t change what happened and you can’t overcome by wishing that things were different. But you CAN overcome by accepting that it happened, fighting it, overcoming it, healing from it and moving on… all with EVERY bit of perspective you have gained since that awful night. Without that night, you are not YOU.”

“I’ve learned my lesson…” I said with confidence. “I know what happened was a horrible moment for me, but after experiencing the alternative? I’m becoming grateful that it did…”

Right on cue, another blinding flash hit me… and I was awake in my bed again...

September 7th, 2021

I sat up, my eyes widened with surprise. I was quite stunned initially when I came to the realization that the way things went down turned out to be so much better for me. Knowing what I had to do to overcome the most painful memory of my career was certainly something that was starting to brighten my spirits. Once the initial shock wore off, I started to gradually feel stronger. I thought back to that painful loss and I noticed it wasn’t causing me any ill feelings.

“Thanks mom…” I said to her despite the fact that she wasn’t around.

I began to think a little bit more to myself.

“That dream I had makes so much sense. In PRW, I was not necessarily the most mature person in the world. I had a reputation of being a bit of a diva and a drama queen and no doubt that winning that match against Luciana would have inflated my ego to insufferable proportions and left me being a shallow, empty, shell of a person. I would’ve turned into a lighter version of what I became in GCW. I never, ever want to be that person again… even in another reality. I’m thinking that losing that match was the best thing to happen to me…”

I slid out of bed, my heart growing with the feeling of healing. Walking over to my drawer, I pulled out the top right drawer and collected my journal. I knew which page I was going to…

“April 25, 2013…” I began to read. “Devastated. I can’t help but continue to cry as my career had the worst possible ending ever. None of this is fair. How could I lose to HER? Luciana Verdoza does not deserve to be the last PRW World Champion. How can this happen to me? Why do I have to suffer from this? I will never get over it and I could never wrestle a match in the business again, pregnancy or not….”

Oddly, I cut off the reading as I was feeling annoyed.

“I can’t go on like this…” I said as I ripped the page out of my notebook, crumpled it and tossed it in the trash. “That night doesn’t feel so ‘devastating’ to me anymore.”

 I grabbed a pen and took that and the journal with me out of my bedroom and down the stairs. That painting of that night was still there. When I looked upon that fateful night and began to think about it, there were no feelings of sadness, emptiness, worthlessness, fear or trauma. For the first time, reflecting on that night caused me to smile and I was about to write down my feelings in a new journal entry.

“9/7/21… everything feels different…” I began to write. “I never thought I would write this, but I am starting to feel HAPPY that the worst heartbreak of my career happened. I am GRATEFUL for that heartbreak because it gave me something to overcome when I came back. It taught me so many lessons that made me a stronger, better wrestler and that further invigorated the very love I have for this business and boosted my self-worth and my pride. It was meant to be, the last eight years. I was meant to come back and face this. I was destined to be in SCW and to have another rival in Amber Ryan that many feel I can’t beat when the stakes are high. I was meant to overcome her as my final obstacle to be the world champion that fate has prepared me to become. Without that heartbreak I’ve endured, I am never strong enough to face someone like Amber or even last in SCW at all. That heartbreak made me, not broke me… and it’s about to make me a world champion… one that I’ve starved to be since I was seven years old.

But first? I have a detour through Seattle…

To overcome all of the anguish and agony the biggest heartbreak of my wrestling career ever put me through. It’s time to bury this and be at full peace…

Finally…”

I closed the journal and looked back at the painting. My heart was definitely beating some sort of healing elixir through my veins. The more my mother’s lesson sunk into my conscience, the happier and the more confident I was becoming.

At long last, I was finally ready to overcome the one obstacle that held me back from becoming the champion I was born to be.

September 9th, 2021

The Space Needle.

As soon as I reached the top and headed to where I needed to be, I felt this amazingly grim determination flow through me.

“Today is the day I overcome this…” I told myself as I walked around looking for my bitter old rival from eight years ago. I saw a white-colored party ahead and when I got to it, I saw a “Happy Retirement Myra” banner hanging from the ceiling. This caused me to roll my eyes. As I did, I saw Luciana sitting at a dinner table, smirking and minding her own business. My heart was beating fast knowing that I was about to have a confrontation eight years overdue. I stormed over to her, that angry determination flowing through me, and she saw me. She widened her eyes with surprise, but then let out a chuckle.

“You showed up. Shocker.”

I said nothing as I sat down across the table from her.

“What’s the play, Luciana?”

“Why… we’re just trying to celebrate your career!”

“We?”

Sure enough, Jayson Schneider, my ex and Luciana’s partner in crime, sat at the table between us.

“Myra, let’s be honest here. You’re not beating Amber. And… knowing you and your EGO? You’re not going to go to the back of the line. You’d rather retire before you do. SO, we just wanted to celebrate with a PRE-RETIREMENT PARTY!!!!!”

Jayson blew a party horn to add to the sarcasm.

“How is it  going to feel knowing that you just can’t beat Amber when it matters?” Jayson asked me with a smirk. “We were together when you actually did beat her but you and I both know it was a fluke. Amber is your Achilles heel that you can’t overcome no matter how many times you try. You should’ve just given up and gone to the back of the line, but instead you’d rather have your precious heart broken? Again? You can’t win. Everywhere you go, there is always someone you can’t overcome: Amber, Jazmyn, Victoria…”

“And of course… ME!” Luciana says with a laugh. “Do you realize how ELATED that I am that eight years later, I am STILL in your head, Myra? Seeing you fail at Summer XXXtreme and watching that nauseating 350 day Internet title reign was something that made me ECSTATIC! I LOVE watching you fail, even NOW! Every time you face a match like Amber and you FAIL, I take pride in knowing that you failed because of ME! I BASK in the POWER that I have had over you ever since I SHATTERED YOUR SOUL on PRW’s last night!”

“What do you think about Amber Ryan, Luciana?” Jayson asked her.

“I think she’s AMAZING! I mean she has to be considering SHE BEAT MYRA!”

Luciana and Jayson laughed at me while I didn’t react.

“Myra, do you understand the power I’ve had over you all these years? I remember when you first joined PRW and you shot straight to the top. You weren’t going to settle for less. You wanted to sign with them so you could aim for the heights that NSWA held you back from. Damn everyone else, YOU were the one that was going to become the franchise face of PRW and you BECAME THAT! Compare that to the companies you’ve joined since I’ve beaten you…”

“GCW…” Jayson threw in…

“Initially, you were just happy to restart your career. That was all you cared about. No initiative to get to the top. UWA? No initiative. You just wanted to destroy things and settle for second-tier titles. Carnage? No initiative.  You settle for tag team gold and being an ANDREW WATTS LACKEY? Isn’t that guy considered a joke in SCW? I digress, but speaking of SCW, you were timid when you first walked in. There was no ‘world title’ for you. Again, just happy to be there. All those companies… being afraid of shooting for the top… all because you were afraid of experiencing FAILURE again because of what I did to you!”

“And YOU take credit for all of that?”

“OF COURSE!”

“I already knew that, Luciana. You’re right. I DID give you too much power for so long. That experience did make me timid and worried about aiming straight for the top… but I’m here to take that power back.”

Luciana just scoffed as she reached into her purse. She took four Polaroids out and slid them across the desk to me. My eyes narrowed when I saw they were pictures from that fateful night. There was one where I had a look of terror in my eyes when the bell rang, one where I looked like I was ready to quit after Luciana kicked out, one where my eyes looked empty after I lost and one where I was crying in my car two hours after the event was over…

“That’s why you’re not beating Amber…” Luciana said to me with a sneer on her face. “I saw that SAME FEAR in your eyes at Summer XXXtreme, that SAME SURRENDER in them when you couldn’t put Amber away, that SAME EMPTINESS after the fact when you appeared on camera for the first time since that match and I KNOW you bawled your eyes out after you lost…”

“Because that’s the MYRA WAY… giving up and crying when things don’t go her way!” Jayson said with a laugh. “It’s the same cycle ALL over again! How does it feel to know that Luciana will ALWAYS have power over you?”

“Those promos you’ve been doing since then where you’re all but BEGGING for one more chance against Amber and acknowledging that you HAVE to win this time… which you won’t by the way… or else it’s over for you… how DESPERATE! It’s JUST as desperate as you were when we had our match where you HAD TO RETIRE AS WORLD CHAMPION!”

“PATHETIC!” Jayson added.

"The fact that Kimberly is growing up with YOU as a mother is child abuse with how you CONSTANTLY letter down in big matches..." Luciana said…

My heart burst into flames when she said that

 "I have defined you for the last eight years and I STILL DO considering you CAN'T WIN THE BIG ONE UNLESS YOU CHEAT LIKE YOU DID IN GCW!"

“Not anymore…” I said with increased anger. “...because I have purged my spirit of that sadness that occured because of you. In fact, I wanted to thank you, Luciana, for providing me with the biggest obstacle of my career that I will EVER overcome

“WHAT?” Luciana asked, completely caught off guard.

“You know what I am realizing hearing you talk and using the past against me to try SO HARD to bring me down right now? You’re just like Amber: THREATENED by me.”

My enemies laughed while my anger increased.

“You were ALWAYS threatened by ME since the moment we met in PRW 12 years ago. I got under your damn skin the moment we locked eyes as rivals for the first time and I KNOW that’s true because YOU were the one that went through ALL of that trouble back then, and right now, to try to bring me down. YOU are the one that STILL feels the need to pour salt in the wound. All this time I’ve been in SCW, you’ve left me alone but NOW you want to start shit with me, Luciana? NOW you’re trying to run me out of the business again? WHY? I’ll tell you why…”

“You are seriously dru…”

“SHUT UP, JAYSON!” I snapped, catching him by surprise as I continued. “...you’re doing this NOW, despite the career successes you have had since PRW, because it PAINS YOU that you DID NOT get rid of me eight years ago. You wanted to get rid of me for good and you FAILED. Who’s the one with the power, Luciana? It’s SURE as hell not you and it never WAS you! It’s SAD that despite what you’ve done in your own right in wrestling, that you will ALWAYS feel the need to be better than me and to preach this IMAGINARY SUPERIORITY over me. You will ALWAYS feel that need because Luciana, you are the most insecure woman I have EVER met in my life…”

Luciana was beginning to crack, narrowing her eyes with anger and clawing at the table.

“When I went to PRW, I did respect you and for years, despite your attitude, I did try to be friends with you because I felt like I needed your approval for the stature you held in this business. But I never did and I STILL don’t. I NEVER needed your validation. At one point, a weakness of mine was caring too much about what other people, including you, thought of me. But not anymore, Luciana. I don’t give a FUCK about what you think and I damn sure don’t give a FUCK that you don’t think I can beat Amber. You know why? Because YOU are a MICROCOSM of what people are saying about Violent Conduct. ‘Myra can’t win.’ ‘Myra can’t beat Amber.’ ‘Amber is too good right now!’ and it’s all BULLSHIT because for 14 years, I have done NOTHING but SILENCE and OVERCOME people like YOU that doubt me and criticize me and I don’t care what you think, alright? I am OVER eight years ago knowing that someone WEAK and INSECURE like you is dragging me down. Luciana, you’re not even worth being the gum stuck on my shoe!”

I stood up, angrily. I began to walk away and ironically, one of Luciana’s shoes nailed me in the back of the head and this took my anger over the top. I turned and charged back in her direction. Jayson tried to block me, but I kneed him below the belt. Luciana removed her other shoe to try to hit me with it, but I grabbed her and pinned her right against the wall, near a large white wedding-style cake on a wooden table. I saw fear in her eyes when I had her cornered. As I pinned her against the wall, I pressed my forearm against her throat so she couldn’t talk.

“See? Insecurity. You couldn’t handle the truth. You couldn’t handle that you can’t bring me down anymore. I am going to leave you with one last warning, Luciana. If you EVER try to fuck with me again, ESPECIALLY with my daughter like you did earlier in our conversation, I don’t give a FUCK about right or wrong, I WILL find you and I WILL end your fucking career, you got that? Don’t you EVER bring my daughter into ANYTHING between you and I again.”

I released my forearm from her throat, but still had her pinned against the wall.

“...yeah… of course. I… I’ll let that match die… I mean that. I’ll never bring it up again…”

“GOOD!”

I grabbed Luciana by the hair and threw her face first into the cake, leaving her screaming with humiliation that her whole entire plan backfired.

“People like YOU and ANYONE that wants to bring me down are beneath me! NOBODY dictates my destiny, my self-esteem or my self-worth AGAIN! Thank you for giving me my first building block to become the strong woman I am today, eight years ago, Luciana. But from now on? You mean NOTHING to me as far as my career and how I see myself as a wrestler is concerned. GOODBYE!”

I turned and bolted away from the “dinner” and immediately, a flood of joy and relief warmed my heart. Once my anger faded, I was smiling as bright and as wide as the night in New York when I won the PRW World Championship for the second time nearly 11 years ago. The inner peace that I had always wanted was bathing my spirit and all of that weight on my shoulders evaporated as I walked out of the Space Needle’s restaurant and into the waiting elevator.

"I've silenced one rival who wrote me off as 'never being good enough', now it's time to silence another and become that world champion I’ve always wanted to be..."

As I went down the Space Needle, my confidence was skyrocketing. I wiped away a small tear of joy that hit me as I was so overwhelmed with my newfound inner peace of FINALLY overcoming the most heartbreaking moment of my career. I hit the base of the building and existed, basking in the bright, clear moonlight I found myself in.

“I have finally overcome the biggest regret of my career…” I thought to myself as I began to walk down the street. “...there is nothing holding me back from that Bombshells World Championship now…”

I kept walking… only pausing to see that painting of that fateful match with Luciana and I from eight years ago broken into pieces and tossed in the trash. I smiled, turned and continued to walk knowing that I FINALLY put that heartbreaking experience behind me for good…

“Now I know how strong I truly am. Now I feel like I AM one of the best damn women’s wrestlers in the world and from now on, I am going to EMBRACE what I am as a wrestler… no holding back… no matter what people like AMBER FUCKING RYAN want to say about me…”

September 10th, 2021

On this night, I was sitting on the edge of a dock that was overlooking DeLong Lake in the Anchorage, Alaska area. My soul was burning with a passionate desire that I had never experienced before and I was feeling the beat of my own heart pumping so much confidence and determination through me. I looked into the lake and I saw my own reflection. In my own imagination, I was seeing every single moment of adversity that would come to define my career throughout the years. Remembering this adversity didn’t bring me down, it strengthened me. My reflection was prominent again, feeling more secure in myself than ever before. Seeing the strong, passionate, resilient woman that I had become in the reflection of the lake continued to bathe my heart in a self-love that I didn’t realize I had. It was realizing all of my strengths through all of the adversity it had developed through, that had me feeling that I was about to win at Violent Conduct.

“To overcome and reach your highest potential, you have to look inward. You have to see your flaws. You have to see the adversity that you have encountered and you have to evaluate how you’ve handled it and face the fears that the adversity provided to you. To be the best version of yourself, you have to look in the mirror and be brave enough to see where your flaws lie and what you can do to improve them. You have to realize that you CAN be better and that you WILL be better because you DESERVE to be better. Since Summer XXXtreme, by overcoming SO much of my past, my pain and my fears, I have realized that I DO deserve to be the best version of myself and my 350 day Internet Championship reign was only just a sample of it. You have to be emotionally strong and allow yourself the opportunity to face and overcome your emotional scars to be a stronger and better person. I know that when it comes to Violent Conduct, I AM going to defeat you Amber, and I am going to become the SCW Bombshells World Champion at your expense no matter how BADLY you don’t want to happen because SINCE our last encounter, I FACED myself, I FACED my flaws, I ACCEPTED them and I worked with them to be stronger and better and you are going to get a better Myra Rivers that in your own self-delusions and in your own ‘woe is me’ bullshit, you have neglected to prepare yourself for. You are going to lose at Violent Conduct in a match that, on paper, you would win on any given Sunday because of how far up your street it is because whatever advantage you have from your experience in these matches?

You’ve already negated it on your own just by the way you are and just by the way you think and act and speak. The moment I got wind of your promo last week and the moment that I heard you say the things that you said about me, I KNEW in my heart that I am NOT the underdog in this match. I know I came into this with fears, worries, doubts, concerns and such regarding my future after Violent Conduct all because I allowed traumas of the past to bring me down, but in overcoming these, I KNOW I am going to win. The stipulation, Amber? I’m not afraid of it. I go into this match with NO fears having overcome them all. But YOU Amber? I’m going to tell you the ONE reason why I am going to defeat you and win my 5th career world championship: I am EMOTIONALLY STRONGER than you are! You can be the big bad, you can be the dominant champion, you can throw your weight around all you want, but your ACHILLES HEEL, Amber, is your emotional WEAKNESS compared to your physical strengths. I’ll explain your emotional weaknesses and why they will sink you in the end, but first, I want to answer the question as to whether I would sacrifice everything for that world title.

Obviously? Yes. The fact that I have taken on this match alone is proof enough of that. I know for a fact that my career is at risk because this match can severely hurt me to the point where I may never be physically able to wrestle again. I am willing to sacrifice ALL that I can give in order to win that title. But you want to turn that around and actually ACT like you’re reading my mind, is that it? You want to ASSUME that I would think that our lives and well being are more important? That’s just the first of many graves you’re digging for yourself Amber. Obviously, well-being IS important… but that is something that you have REJECTED. You come into your last promo with this doom and gloom attitude ACCEPTING that you are waiting for someone to ‘turn the lights out on your existence’ and that your life has been forfeit. Essentially, the picture you are painting to me is that your career and everything that you accomplish in it is all that you have to live for. Tell me again how you could possibly be stronger than me on an emotional level? The way I see it, you are coming across as someone that doesn’t feel like they have anything else to live for. This is literally IT for you, Amber, what you do with your career LITERALLY DEFINES your well-being and your self-esteem and that’s just sad, it really is. You’re painting this doom and gloom picture, talking about families begging you to stop. I won't be a world champion because I value my well being SO much more than you do?

Really?

At least that’s how I interpret things, Amber. I get where you are going with the sacrifice thing, but you’re far too stuck in your own neurosis to really take a step back and see the forest for the trees. Someone that thinks like you do and has no care for their well being is someone that sounds like they have accepted that they are always going to be miserable and that nothing will ever be good enough for them. You sit there and you ACCEPT the doom and gloom, but if it were me? I’d FIGHT IT because I KNOW in my heart that I deserve better and yet, you’re content with staying where you are in your little gloomy bubble either because you don’t think that you can be better than what you are, or you are AFRAID to take the next step to change who you are and become a better person. Take away the famous career and your accolades that you’ve attained in your career, and what is left of the woman known as Amber Ryan? Can you tell me that? I know that without my career, I would still have my daughter and I would still have my loved ones, but Mac aside, what is left for you? This business is literally all that is preventing you from either falling or jumping off the edge and I pity you for that. I pity you for how emotionally weak you are. I pity you because it’s all about life on the edge for you because you feel like there is nothing left to live for. You are NEVER, EVER going to be satisfied with ANYTHING. It’s sad, but it’s as if you don’t WANT to be happy. That’s what separates me from you.

I FACE UP to my problems. You? You’re just willing to accept them and drown in them. You do a hell of a job taking out all of your pain, hurt and anger out on anyone else that crosses your path because the fact of the matter is, the only way you can ever gain satisfaction… even TEMPORARY… is by dragging others down to your level. That’s how you do what you do. That’s why you’ve been successful at what you do and because it’s worked out SO well for you, YOU don’t feel the need to evolve or to change anything… but you want to come after ME for having ‘no intention’ of changing who I am?

LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AMBER!

You are the DEFINITION of what you’ve accused me of there. You talk about how you have EVERYTHING left to lose, acting like I don’t. You’re talking about how I have NOTHING to fight for? Amber, I have EVERYTHING to fight for! I fight for my loved ones, I fight for my fans, I fight for my  daughter more than anything else in the world because my biggest purpose for continuing to do something that I love is to be the best role model I can be for her and to show her that nobody should hold you back from realizing a dream that you want bad enough no matter how many times some chickenshit self-defeatest coward wants to say “no” to them any and every step of the way. There you go again, Amber… throwing your judgments against me acting like you know me, trying to force all of these opinions and fallacies about me as if you suddenly know me. There you go again trying to slander me, trying to paint me as something that I’m not, trying SO HARD to shove this manufactured image of me from your head down the throats of anyone that is dumb enough to listen. If you want an example of WHY I am emotionally stronger than you, our first promos tell the story.

I NEVER, not ONCE, said anything derogatory toward you or ever bothered trying to put you down. Why? Because I don’t HAVE TO!. Whereas YOU are spending your promo doing just that to me. You beat me at Summer XXXtreme and yet you STILL feel the need to try to paint a fallacy of me that NOBODY BUT YOU has painted? That is a PURE SIGN of your emotional weakness. I heard that little cheap shot about how being the ‘next me’ is a “low bar”. I heard that cheap shot about how “nobody cares” about my matches and what I do in an SCW ring. Really? Who are you trying to convince that this is true because if you actually pulled your head out of your ass for ONE second, there were quite a few participants in the Internet Championship tournament talking up my title reign with the likes of Dani and Andrea making it very clear that they wanted to surpass what I did with that championship. That to me, sounds like people that care. You feel the need to throw these cheap shots and smears at myself and my career, talking me ‘toxic’ when not ONE person, except for Andrea, even THINKS of me as such. You felt the need to call my career ‘middling’, you try to paint my words as something ‘narcissistic’ and you try to paint the way I carry myself as a front when only YOU are the one saying this idiotic things that have no BEARING or MERIT as far as my career here goes. You are becoming DESPERATE to try to paint me as what I am not. Why, Amber?

Why do YOU feel the need to try to tear me down and paint a false picture of me that nobody but YOU believes?

I know why.

You’re desperate. On top of that? I am under your skin. For SOME reason, I get to you. Don’t bullshit me and tell me otherwise Amber, because if I wasn’t getting under your skin, you wouldn’t be trying to attack me with nothing but BASELESS OPINIONS! Me being toxic? Your opinion. My reign being a low bar? OPINION. Can you tell me what I have actually DONE to you that has made me get under your skin so much? CLEARLY, I bother you… and I don’t even try to. Amber, that’s a reflection of YOU and not me. Why do I get under your skin so much? Because I stepped up and pushed for a rematch? Is it because I refused to stay down like your other challengers have? Is it because there is something that you see in me that you’re envious of and you just want to take YOUR insecurities out on me to make ME look like the bad guy? Aside from what has happened during our matches, I have done NOTHING to you Amber… I have done nothing to YOU personally to warrant this sad, desperate hate in your heart that you have for me just because you are an emotionally weak, frightened little girl at heart that HAS to make someone feel her suffering because you have the self-esteem of a rock! You try to paint yourself SO HARD is being SO much better than me because you’ve made sacrifices that I “haven’t made” and because you’ve taken risks that I “haven’t taken”. You paint the picture of me being someone that doesn’t rise up to get to the next level when my entire career has contradicted ALL of that.

My big breakthrough moment? Ladder match where I had to push harder than I ever have in my whole life to be something in this business.

My first world championship ever? It happened in a four way steel cage match where I put my body on the line.

Second world championship? Hell in a Cell, enough said about that.

Hell, after I won my THIRD world title, I defended it, SUCCESSFULLY, in a DEATHMATCH OF MY OPPONENT’S OWN CREATION and with that, I fucking BLED and FOUGHT for my career, for my LIFE and for my own well-being because that match was the final match of a blood rivalry I had… that I HAD to win to prove that I could be a fighting champion against ANY opponent in ANY situation and not ONCE did I EVER feel the need to run down that opponent no matter how many times he tried to bring me down.

But I don’t know anything about sacrifices and taking risks and taking the next step and doing whatever it takes to be a world champion. WHATEVER! You think coming back from the edge of oblivion makes you better than me? It doesn’t! I did it when I came back from the most devastating loss of my whole career and became a stronger wrestler than ever. That’s not an ‘over inflated impression of self-worth’ Amber… and BY THE WAY, you can’t TALK about someone else having that considering YOU are going around acting as if the entire division is beneath you and talking about being “eternal and undeniable”... but I’M the one that’s being narcissistic.

Sure.

I’M the one that needs validation from you?

Sure.

Obviously, NEVER the case. I don’t NEED your fucking validation, Amber… especially since for more than 90 percent of my Internet Championship run, you weren’t in the picture. It was THAT title run that validated me in SCW to begin with. Not you. Don’t talk to ME about validation when YOU’RE ALWAYS SEEKING VALIDATION! Don’t talk to me about narcissism when you’re painting this picture that my reputation is ‘forgotten about’.

God, I really DO get under your skin, don’t I?

YOU’RE talking about ME being desperate? WHO is the one trying to grasp at straws with everything she says trying to undercut and cheapen everything the other woman has ever accomplished? It’s NOT ME, Amber! You’re desperate because I DO get to you and that gives ME the power over you and you can’t fucking stand that, can you? You criticize ME for not wanting to better the division when YOU are the one crying about being bitter about the division not having competition that satisfies your needs, even going as far as running down Alicia, Roxi, and Jessie among others? It’s NOT about bettering the division for you Amber. That title, for you, is about validating your own EMOTIONALLY WEAK EXISTENCE! You’re talking about how the only thing that matters to ME is inflating my own image and reputation… yet you’re trying SO HARD to portray yourself as this know-it-all who is responsible for ‘reviving the title’ in an instance of trying to inflate your own image… and by the way, YOU are the one needing to do that. Not me. You.

Yet, NOTHING that you said to me is more ridiculous than the smoking gun… the ONE line that exposes you as being EMOTIONALLY WEAK and that will ultimately be your undoing:

When you said that you’d rather breathe your last breath than see me with the title.

That proves it.

That proves that I am in your head and under your skin. That confirms the fear in your heart of losing that title to me and the hate in your heart toward me in general and that, Amber, proves once and for all that I am FAR STRONGER… emotionally, than you are. THAT one thing proves to EVERYONE that despite ALL you’ve done, you are INSECURE WITH YOURSELF. THAT is how much you hate me, Amber? You’re THAT threatened by me? You are… and you’ll never directly admit it, but saying something so SAD and so DESPERATE PROVES that you are. That ONE line explains SO MUCH of why you were so desperate to bring me down with lies, exaggerations, opinions, and so forth and why you were so desperate to paint me as something that I’m not. It explains why you feel the need to put down anyone in your way, especially me. You’re threatened by me Amber… and you always were… dating back to your first encounter at Into the Void last year where you made the same mistake in doing nothing but slandering me and judging me with falsehoods and empty opinions that lacked any sort of merit.

What those words also prove, on top of the fact that you never addressed or accepted my desire for a rematch, is that you never wanted this rematch at all. You wanted me to go away and be one and done… because you’ve always been threatened by me.

You hate me because I am the rival and the equal that you never wanted to acknowledge… and I’m going to take that hate, that emotional weakness of yours, that desperation of yours to put me away, and I am going to use it ALL against you and I will be the one OVERCOMING YOU and becoming the NEW SCW Bombshells World Champion!

What makes me stronger than you is not just the fact that I’ve NEVER felt the need to hate you or ever felt the need to bring you down with empty words, it’s the fact that I have faced every single one of my demons, shortcomings, heartbreaks, mistakes and so much more and overcome them to be stronger and to love myself more than ever.

You, Amber? You’re too emotionally weak to do the same. You don’t choose to overcome them, you choose to live with them because you’re too weak to even WANT to fight them. It’s a damn shame that someone of your caliber is afraid of their own demons and feels the need to put others down to feel better about themselves.

It’s the difference in strength on a psychological and emotional level that will be the difference at Violent Conduct, Amber… and it’s THAT advantage that I KNOW in my heart I have over you that will propel YOU to continue to suffocate in your own misery while that same advantage will propel me to FINALLY become the world champion I have always dreamed of being on Sunday!

I hope someday, Amber… you overcome your own demons… just like I have…

And I mean that from the heart…"

With that, I continued to sit over the lake and reflect on the incredible journey and my unbelievable growth as a woman and a wrestler. One way or another, regardless of outcome, I knew in my heart that my strength inside of me would continue to grow… and there was nothing that someone like Amber Ryan could do to take ANYTHING I’ve accomplished in my career away from me no matter how desperate she is to diminish it with her empty words.

Hours after Summer XXXtreme…

I was seated in my cruise cabin, alone and enveloped in the darkness, soaking everything in. I was alert and conscious following the Summer XXXtreme event and by this time, the gravity and the reality of the situation set in. I was feeling everything that I was going through.

The heartbreak.

The anguish.

There was no sense of pride. There was no sense of accomplishment. There was no sense of joy that was capable of pouring through me at this time. All I could think about, all that I could feel, was that my reign was over. 350 days. Done. Just like that. I was holding back my emotions but when I saw that Adrianna had sent me a text message two minutes prior to this moment, I couldn’t hold back anymore.

Heartbreak and anguish seemed like child’s play compared to the feeling of a massive, letdown disappointment that had just begun to flood my conscience. I began to think about how I told Adrianna I was going to win the world championship for her and for everything she had meant to me. Seeing the words “It’s okay... “ with a broken heart emoji further broke mine. I was still feeling numb when I picked up the phone and answered her text.

“It’s not okay…” I began to write. “I failed you. I said I was going to win it for you and I didn’t. I am an absolute failure of a sister…”

Clearly, it was a bad idea to communicate with anyone considering the situation. But right now? The emotional heartbreak overpowered any possible logic that could’ve gone through me at this point.

“I am so sorry that I let you down… just like I always do. You and I both know what happens next when I come THIS close to being a world champion again (or getting over the hump) and I don’t get it done. You know that the downward spiral is next. It is all downhill from here. I had my chance. It’s over. My window is closed. The reign is over….

Honestly? After letting you down so badly, I should never be in your presence again. That window is gone, Adrianna… and now at the age of 37… maybe that’s the last chance I’m ever going to have to be a world champion again. I guess the reign that just ended for me was a tease…”

The tears began to fall down my face as I hit “SEND” without even thinking about it. I wanted to just be alone, drowning in heartbreak. But the door to my room opened and the light came on. Jazmyn Rain entered and I could see her immediate concern. I felt her walk up to me.

“Hey…”

“Don’t ask me if I’m okay…” I instantly said. “Because I’m not. I try so hard to get over the hump… and I just never do. I guess with all the awful things I’ve done over the years, karma just wants to punish me by making sure I never win a world title again…”

“Myra, it’s not like that,” Jazmyn states with a sigh, trying to pull me through my heartbreak as well as my fears. “You faced someone that was on top of their game, just like you were. It was a match that could’ve gone either way. There’s no shame in losing to Amber. You know that.”

“Why?” I asked.

“I just got through explaining…”

“No matter how good I get, no matter how well things go for me, I’m always second best to someone else. Why can I never get over the hump? WHY? Blast from the Past was one thing and now this.”

“Myra, don’t be like this…”

“Why is it that every single time I dedicate a match to someone, I always fail them? Adrianna, Kimberly, my mother…”

“Stop it, Myra! You’re better than this! Don’t let this define you! Please! I don’t want to lose you again?”

“Why do I always have to be such a screw up?”

“Myra…” Jazmyn says with an annoyed sigh as she sees my phone. She picks it up and reads the text message that I just sent Adrianna. I glance at her and her eyes just widen in shock. As she reads, her jaw drops and I can see that fearful horror in her eyes. She sets down the phone. “I know what to say to you in this situation. But I won’t. You are far too good and far too smart now to know what you have to do about this without me telling you. I get that this is a habit for you, but for God’s sake, NOW is the time to break that. If you’re expecting me to cheer you up, tell you everything is okay, tell you what you have to do and inspire you to keep going… I’m not going to do that…”

Jazmyn stands up and begins to leave the room.

“Jaz…” I said in a soft, hushed voice.

“No… the best thing I can do for you right now is allow you to figure it out on your own. I’m so sorry that things didn’t go your way tonight. But that’s no excuse to give up and quit just like you’ve done in the past. You’re on your own this time…”

I was left stunned in silence when Jazmyn walked out. I just let the tears fall without saying another word the rest of the night.

“Why does this keep happening to me?” I asked myself in my mind. “Why do I keep having these huge matches like tonight where I put my heart, my soul, my spirit, EVERYTHING into what I do, yet, it’s someone else that wins? Why? I thought I had it figured out… only to find out that I didn’t… add on the fact that this was for Adrianna and I let her down… and this has to be the most heartbreaking loss I’ve had in my career in over eight years…”

The guilt. The agony. The heartbreak. The torment. The hauntings of all those ‘so close, yet so far’ matches I’ve had over the last few years. It all came to drown me in a hurricane of emotions that I couldn’t handle. I fell asleep on the night of my own birthday feeling like my spirit was torn out of me….

March 2011…

I was confused and disoriented, realizing that I wasn’t on the cruise anymore, but backstage at a wrestling event. I saw a poster for a wrestling event which really shook me. I saw a poster that said “PRW Annual Annihilation 2011” on it.

“Where am I? WHEN am I?”

I walked down the hallway not seeing anyone. But I could hear an argument from a nearby door. I knew it was the door to the women’s locker room… and I was hearing Adrianna try to set someone straight…

“You can’t let her get to you like this…” I heard her say from behind the door. “I don’t know why the hell you keep treating Victoria like a bad person! She’s done nothing to you, Myra….”

I raised my eyebrows upon hearing my own name being used.

“Except steal my spot…” I could hear my own voice from behind the door. “I was the franchise of this company until SHE came along with her sellout ways of posing for BIKINI MAGAZINES, being a fucking SEX SYMBOL and forgetting that wrestling is supposed to be about WRESTLING and not THIRST TRAP BULLSHIT... “

“If she’s such a bad wrestler, how come she’s beaten you three times in a row with a world title on the line?” Adrianna said.

“GET OUT!” I heard myself say from behind the door! “GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!”

I heard Adrianna angrily sigh as I heard her coming to the door. The door opened and we locked eyes.

“Adrianna…” I said, but she turned and walked away, acting like she didn’t see me. This confused me, but that wasn’t the end of it.

“She can’t see you…” I heard the voice of my mother behind me. I turned toward her and she was standing right there.

“Mom? What are you doing here?”

“Do you remember this night in Phoenix 10 years ago when you had one last shot at the PRW World title against Victoria and you lost?”

“Of course, but why the hell am I here?”

“Your final lesson. Did you honestly think I was going to let my own daughter self-destruct over this loss? On her birthday no less? Your past self is in there right now about to break down and give up on herself and it’s up to YOU to prevent that from happening. Only one condition: you can’t tell her about what has happened to you in the last ten years. Adrianna couldn’t see you, but she will.”

I looked inside of the locker room and saw my past self lose it and start bawling, whining and worrying about her window of opportunity being closed. It hit close to home considering that’s exactly what I did in that text message to Adrianna. I turned back to my mother to say something else to her, but saw that she was gone. Seeing my past self be so heartbroken immediately had guilt and sadness pouring through me.

“I wish I could tell her about the last… or rather next… ten years. God, I remember how horrible my confidence was shattered. This loss was the most devastating loss of my career until my last PRW match before my pregnancy retirement two years later. Mom’s leaving me to it… UGH, I hate reliving this…”

I entered the room and saw my past self just about curled up in the corner, bawling her eyes out.

“I’m done… I’m FINISHED…” my past self moaned through her tears. “How do I go from being the franchise of PRW to being NOBODY in just two months? This isn’t FAIR! How can some thirst trap like Victoria be the star of this company and not me? I gave her my very best and she STILL WON? If my best isn’t good enough, it will never be again. I’m never going to reach that peak again…”

“That’s not true…” I told her.  2011 Myra looked at me with red, borderline puffy eyes, indicating she’d been crying for a long time. “I can’t exactly tell you how, but you’re not only going to reach that peak again, you’re going to exceed it.”

My past self was stunned, having that ‘seeing a ghost’ expression on her face. She slowly stood up and stumbled backward into a corner. Her hand was shaking as she pointed toward me.

“You… you look just like me… is there a twin that nobody told me about? How could you know that I’m going to exceed the peak I was at? There’s no way… this is it for me… I’m about to become irrelevant and slide down the ladder until I’m put out of my misery…”

I cringe quite a bit, remembering full well how I treated every loss ten years ago like it was the end of the world because I was so hellbent on being a huge wrestling star.

“I know this because I AM you… from 2021… 10 years from now.”

“How… how do I know you’re not making this up?”

“I’m not supposed to tell you EXACTLY how things go for you, but things ARE going to get better. You are not irrelevant. Sure, you lost to Victoria Salinas three times in a row on three straight Pay-Per-Views: once to lose the world title to her, twice when you tried to gain it back. But why are you carrying such shame over it and acting like the world is going to end? Victoria is just hitting her stride as a wrestling star herself. Your three losses are to someone that is going to be one hell of a generational legend in the making in her own right.”

“That’s IMPOSSIBLE!” my past self screamed toward me. “She’s just a glorified, sellout bikini model who is neglecting her pure wrestling ability! Someone like that…”

“BESIDES the point…” I said to my younger self. “I PROMISE YOU, even though I can’t tell you your future piece by piece, you ARE going to be okay… MORE than okay! You can still be a world champion again! You can still grow from all of this heartbreak and improve to be even BETTER than you are right now! In this business, you NEVER stop improving nor are you ever a finished product. If you don’t evolve? You’re going to be stuck in place! Don’t do this to yourself, young Myra! You’ve still got so much room to grow! If you self-destruct, the consequences of that...you could never understand how severe they could be for you, your career, and those around you…”

“But I AM… or WAS… in peak form…” my past self insisted, much to my cringing chagrin as I remembered how far I had my head up my own ass a decade ago. “...I’m MISS PRW, damn it! I put this company on the map! I’ve grown as much as I’m capable of and now the torch has been ROBBED from me from that skank Victoria and now I’m downward spiraling…”

“You are NOT…” I insisted, with a raised tone of voice.

“SHE’S the new face of PRW…”

“She doesn’t HAVE to be if you rise up from this and try to challenge her for the world title again…”

“Yeah, like PRW is going to give me another chance after she’s beaten me three times…”

“Get a hold of yourself…”

“Are you BLIND to all the HYPE, the LOVE and the ADULATION that is surrounding Victoria now? The fucking powers that be here are treating her like their new golden girl and they have completely forgotten that I exist! My fucking boss even told me straight to my face last month that Victoria is his ‘cash cow’ now. He’s moved on all because she broke out of her shell and started to take her clothes off for Maxim! I’m IRRELEVANT NOW…”

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” I said to my younger self, that raised tone getting even louder now. “Quit beating yourself down!”

“I don’t have it anymore. NOT being the star of this company is the WORST thing that can EVER happen to me! If I’m not the star of this company, I am NOTHING! Do you COMPREHEND THAT?”

I never imagined this would ever happen, but I was suddenly realizing I was becoming angry at my younger self.

“The more PRW is up Victoria’s ass, the more I’M forgotten about! Everyone on this roster is going to call me past my prime, old news, ever the hill, and so on and so forth and there’s NOTHING I can say about that because tonight makes it officially TRUE! I will NEVER be PRW World Champion again…”

“Oh my god, you really don’t get it… I mean...WOW… I really didn’t get it back then. Listen… PLEASE listen… you’re not over the hill… because you’re not even CLOSE to hitting your prime, trust me on that….”

My past self was giving me a peculiar look and I could tell that there was a part of her that truly wanted to believe it. I was feeling confident, thinking that I was starting to get through to her.

“You are NEVER going to be ‘forgotten about’. The respect and the reputation that you have developed up to this point in your PRW career is FAR too great for this company, including your peers and your boss, to just discard you and forget about you. Anyone that calls you over the hill? Give it 2 years… TOPS… and most of those people that even go there with you will cease to exist in this business. What you are going through right now is the BEST thing that can happen to you because this is a learning opportunity for you to grow and be STRONGER! This loss tonight shouldn’t break you or define you. This loss tonight should motivate you to step your game up and get to the next level of what you are destined to be in this business because this is NOT your peak, sweetheart! You’ve got such a LONG way to go! You just need to work even harder. You lost to Victoria THREE TIMES because you thought you had it all figured out for the rest of your career. You don’t… not at the age of 26… you’ve got so far to go. Don’t give up! Keep chasing that world title!”

“What’s the point? Even if I do win back the world title, everyone is still going to be up Victoria’s ass!”

“OH MY GOD! Are you even LISTENING to a word I am telling you?” I said, as I grabbed my younger self by the shoulders, almost wanting to shake her. “Quit the pity party! It’s like you’ve forgotten how to BELIEVE! You remember that right? BELIEVE? What anyone else says about you DOESN’T MATTER? All that matters is how YOU feel about YOURSELF! Come on! I KNOW you remember that! Please, don’t give up…”

“It’s not 2008 anymore…” my younger self states nonchalantly, causing me to let out a sigh. Internally, I was raging. I clenched my fist, debating inside of my own mind whether I wanted to smack my younger self across the face or to beat the hell out of her. “...I’ve already given up…”

“What…”

“There’s no point in trying… if I can’t be the star of this company, then I’m done putting my heart and soul into this…”

“I get it now…” I said as I let my younger self go. I turned my back toward her remembering the type of person I was ten years ago. “...there’s no way I’m getting through to you. You’re too young and egotistical to truly understand right now. I thought my mission was to save you, but I can’t save you. I’m not meant to. I have to let things take their course as they did ten years ago no matter how much it hurts me and how much I may want to change my past knowing what I know now. The way she is acting… it’s like the way I acted after I lost to Amber acting like the world is going to end, it’s the way I acted after… OH MY GOD, I GET IT!!!!”

I began to walk away, enlightened and encouraged from the latest epiphany I just got, from my younger self.

“Where are you going?” she asked me.

“I’m leaving you be. I’ve served my purpose here…”

I walked out of the locker room and my mother was standing there waiting for me.

“Do you understand now?” my mother asked me. “Do you see why I brought you here?”

“...yes…” I admitted. “Talking to my younger self and trying to get through to her, knowing what is about to happen to her, realizing how easily I gave up back then, realizing how easy it is to snap back into being her when things go wrong… it’s clear to me now. I was getting so angry with her… or rather… myself… for having the attitude that I did ten years ago. God, I wish I didn’t give up so easily back then…”

“So why do you want to give up chasing the world title just because Amber beat you?”

I was feeling slightly embarrassed and guilty knowing that my mother had a point.

“I shouldn’t… why should I let a setback to someone on top of their game drag me down in 2021 the way I allowed it to sink my confidence and destroy me in 2011?”

“BINGO!” my mother said to me with a smile on her face. “I knew you’d figure it out!”

“Thanks mom…”

“You’re welcome… you’ve got this, Miranda! Now wake up and keep fighting that good fight! Keep chasing that dream and your full potential! I believe in you sweetheart and I always will! Don’t you ever forget that! Happy birthday by the way...”

“Thanks, it sure was a wild one that...”

I was interrupted by a bright, white flash and before I knew it, I was back in my room on the cruise the next morning…

July 19, 2021

I sat up on my bed, floored by the dream that I just had. I was still feeling sore and groggy.

“Now I know why things go wrong…” I said to myself. “I know why I crash so damn hard after every heartbreaking setback. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ten years ago, I gave up on myself feeling that I was never going to be relevant in PRW again. I neglected everything because I had. Sure enough, I started getting injured so much and my career really slid for more than a year and a half. That would’ve never happened if I just stayed confident in myself the whole time and kept fighting for that world title…”

My train of thought was interrupted by Jazmyn coming back into my room to check up on me. My heart was starting to beat with joy and determination again and it was already beginning to shine through. Jazmyn noticed my body language was so much better and smiled at me.

“You look better…”

“I FEEL better…”

“What changed overnight?”

“You know when I kept losing to Victoria 10 years ago and I basically gave up because I was so heartbroken?”

“Yeah. That was… rough. We were tag team champions months later and you were STILL miserable. Then the injuries and the fall down the ladder happened. You did that to yourself you know. Because you had given up after Victoria defeated you the third time, you were never the same in PRW afterward. You never won their world title again. You eventually recovered and became a Triple Crown winner there, but it was just never the same for you. You lost your confidence and it sunk your career”

“I just realized that on my own, Jaz…” I said with a confident sigh. “It was only the first time too. Those periods in my career where I was slumping and losing matches to people I’d normally beat whether they were in PRW, GCW, UWA, and so on and so forth… it all ties back to that time. That third loss to Victoria is my trigger that causes me to beat myself down and want to give up every time I have such a harsh, heartbreaking loss like last night. I let that loss, and the other ‘so close, yet so far’ losses I’ve had since then, define me as a wrestler and determine my destiny. That’s why I can’t get over the hump the way I want to…”

Jazmyn smiles again. “I knew you’d figure it out on your own. By the way, are you going to get that?”

Jazmyn pointed toward my phone, then stood up and walked out. I realized Adrianna sent me a text message overnight and I read it right away.

“I am so disheartened that you feel this way…” Adrianna wrote back, causing me to feel immense guilt. “Please don’t go back to your old ways! Please don’t give up on yourself! Please quit thinking that you let me down because you didn’t! Snap out of this! I fear that I’m about to lose you… again! Your text last night broke my heart in ways you couldn’t understand…”

I took a deep breath letting the guilt pass through me. I wasted no time responding.

“I am SO SORRY that I put you through that! I was going through an incredibly hard moment in the heat of the moment, as you can imagine. That is still no excuse for making you feel that heartbreak. Last night was my heartbreak and mine alone. You did not deserve to go through that. As soon as this ship docks, the first thing I am going to do is see you and make this ALL up to you… I promise!!!”

After including a mix of heart and praying hands emojis at the end of my text, I sent it to her. I felt better right away and I knew in my heart that in spite of last night’s heartbreak, I was going to be okay… especially with the lesson my mother helped me learn in my dream the night before. With this learned lesson, I was feeling that familiar motivational pull in my heart again, knowing that my journey to becoming world champion wasn’t over yet…

Not even close…

A few days later…

There were no words when I walked in Adrianna’s hospital room and I saw her not lying on a hospital bed unconscious, but sitting on a wheelchair awake and alert. The sight of me made her smile. Seeing her alert and seeing her wearing something other than a hospital gown, albeit with a cast on her left arm for a broken collar bone and some crutches nearby, was something that brought joy to me too. When we locked eyes, I didn’t say anything. I went up to her and kneeled down so we could hug each other. I felt a metal body brace protecting the ribs that were broken in the accident, but this didn’t sap my joy a bit.

“You picked a great day to see me…” she whispered to me in a soft voice. “They’re discharging me today.”

“That is great news…” I said as I broke my embrace. I stood up for a bit to grab a chair and sit on it right in front of her.

“I am so sorry about that text...” I stated as I grabbed her hands and showed her that I was there for her. “I know I explained it over the last text I sent you, but I just wanted to apologize to you face to face for that. Nobody feels worse about it than me.”

“Myra, it’s okay. I know that the moment for you was harsh. I understand why you felt that way. But you never let me down at all. I was bummed that you lost to Amber, but I was never disappointed in you. Everything that you did for me leading up to that match is something that I am always going to appreciate no matter what happened in that match. That auction that you did was the most amazing thing anyone has ever done for me. You have nothing to beat yourself down for.”

“I’m so glad you’re getting out of this hospital today. I’m going to be there for you. I want to make it up to you for that text and do anything that I can to help you recover from your accident. I want to make up, not just for the loss to Amber, but for putting you through the heartbreak that I did when I sent you that text in the heat of the moment. Whatever it takes…”

“Myra…” Adrianna said with a worried sigh. “Quit it! There is nothing that you have to make up for! I mean that! You don’t need to do anything for me… well… except one thing…”

“Name it…”

“Not right now. I have to talk to you about something. I’m worried about you and your psyche. I’m scared that this loss to Amber, after reading that text message, has completely destroyed your confidence. I know you had other meltdowns before, but that text message was something else. Ever since I read that, I’ve been so worried that you’re closer than ever to a horrific relapse of those old evil ways of yours. I know the cycle: you give up, you feel sorry for yourself, you snap. For the last decade or so, you’ve had these… huge… heartbreaking losses that destroy you and cause you to change for the worse…”

“Blast from the Past didn’t…”

“You weren’t pinned in that. Summer XXXtreme was different. Shoot, it was the first time someone has pinned you in fifteen months. It’s the same cycle… over and over and over…”

“It’s not happening again…”

“But how can I have faith in that? What’s different this time?”

“What’s different is that I finally know why I’ve lost all of those ‘so close, yet so far’ matches I’ve had. In some ways, I defeated myself before the bell rang, even Summer XXXtreme. With that, I admit it: I worried too much about the ramifications of losing to Amber way more than I let on. Being in that moment overwhelmed me because it was a spotlight I hadn’t been under in so long. It was the biggest spotlight I was under in more than eight years. It swallowed me alive, Adrianna. I thought too much about the heartbreaks I’ve had over the years. I worried too much about suffering another one… and that’s what happened. I worried about going through that loss and then falling all the way down the ladder… especially since so many world champions and title contenders fall off so harshly immediately after losing a world title… Ruby, Christina, Keira…”

“You’re not ANY of them, Myra. Why even worry about that?”

“A decade old habit going back to when I was replaced as the ‘franchise’ of PRW…” I admitted with a regretful sigh. “For the last decade, I’ve let every single ‘big match heartbreak’ just pile on top of each other. That’s my own fault. Still, I’m not going to use it as an excuse for Amber winning. She was better… but I could’ve helped myself too and I failed to do so. After every single heartbreak where I end up ‘so close, yet so far’ I made a bad habit out of giving up and just conceding a fallacy that only became true because I let it happen…”

“Yeah, like when you lost to Victoria three times…”

“I never, ever allowed myself to recover from that. Passing the torch before I was ready to;  it killed my confidence. I ran away from that for 10 years and I’m going to face that now. I accepted that I was never going to be a champion again… and that’s why in my last PRW match before my maternity retirement, that bitch Luciana beat me leading me to feeling like I failed my mother and Kimberly…”

“It caused you to go down that dark spiral that you did when you came back…” Adrianna reminded me. “That’s something you need to REALLY face. I remember when you were in UWA and you lost your X-Limits title to a flash in the pan on the flagship show and how that destroyed you...”


“UWA as a whole shattered me, Adrianna. More than anywhere else I’ve been, they nuked my confidence. Yes, losing that title destroyed me. Yet, I still had one more chance to finally be a world champion… and carrying that loss with me, I never gave myself a chance to win that chamber match I was in for that world title. So that put me further in the whole and instead of continuing to fight, I ran away and the roster laughed at me for it. That feeling that nothing I did was ever going to be good enough was the worst feeling in the world and I regret that I just ran away and never faced up to it….”

“Remember how as the Ultraviolent Champion in Carnage, you were one win away from a world title shot and Maggie took that title from you?”

“Of course. I especially remember how I went into that match with a feeling of dread knowing how I could never get over the hump for so long and how it felt like I was going to happen again. I never gave myself a chance then either because I was fearing the worst. Self-fulfilling prophecy after self-fulfilling prophecy, each time just casting it aside because I didn’t want to learn anything and deal with the pain of it all. I’m breaking that cycle, Adrianna. I’m finally going to face what I’ve run from for 10 years. The norm for me would be to give up, but I’m not doing that. Instead of shrinking and relapsing like I’ve done so many times, I’m going to lick my wounds, get the hell up and try again…”

Adrianna’s eyes widened with surprise when she heard that.

“Wait… you’re… you’re going to try for the World title and Amber again?”

I nodded and smiled which immediately drew a shriek of joy from Adrianna. This then filled my heart with joy seeing her so happy.

“I’m not done yet, Adrianna! I’m not going to let Summer XXXtreme define me. I’m not going to let heartbreak and ‘so close, but so far’ dictate my full potential ever again. I’m changing the narrative because instead of giving up and stepping aside like I did in the past, I’m going to aim for Amber, get one more match against her and I’m going to WIN that world title!!!!!!”

“GOOD!!!!” Adrianna said with the loudest joy I’ve ever seen out of her. “You’re doing the one thing I wanted you to do for me: keep fighting! I am thrilled beyond words, not just because you are going to keep fighting, but because you figured it out on your own without anyone having to lecture you. Promise me that you’re NEVER going to give up again!”

“I promise…” I said as we embraced each other again “...you have my vow that no matter how hard things get, I will never give up on myself again… or even express that I will or that I want to…”

“I love you, Myra! You really are the best sister ever!”

“This isn’t over yet… not until I decide it is. Now more than ever, I feel like I will be a world champion again!”

We broke our embrace again and I stood up feeling a joy in my heart and a pull to continue the fight. That is precisely what I am going to do. Deep down in my soul, I know that I’ve become too good of a wrestler to never be a world champion again. Going forward? That’s the kind of confidence that I’ll be carrying with me as I continue my journey in Sin City Wrestling to get to that elusive fifth world title I’ve wanted for so long…

August 13th, 2021

When the camera came on me as I was sitting in my San Jose hotel room, I wasn’t going through any negative emotions at all. Despite the heartbreak of Summer XXXtreme, I was feeling strong, confident and determined to get one more match against Amber at Violent Conduct. I thought about the challenge ahead and not one fiber of me was feeling intimidated by it. There wasn’t a bone in my body that had me worrying about the consequences of losing my upcoming match to Alicia Lukas. That’s because in my mind, heart and spirit I knew that I was going to win. With this full fledged confidence, I began to express my thoughts.

“I could’ve been like recent world champions and recent world title challengers that had lost that big match. I could’ve given up. I could’ve stepped aside. No disrespect to Keira Fisher but I could’ve been like her and subconsciously accepted my place in the back of the line the way she did after Christina beat her in her world title rematch. I could’ve been like Christina and contemplated retirement after Amber won the title from her, but that never crossed my mind. I could’ve been like Ruby and just fallen off the map, but I’m not going to do that. You all know what I’m going to be doing. I never, ever planned on being a one and done challenger and now more than ever, my resolve and my initiative not only remains stronger than ever, but it STILL continues to grow. It is my resolve and my initiative that has made me the success that I’ve been in Sin City Wrestling, kept me consistent and has kept me from falling off my game entirely the way some of the roster has after such a backbreaking loss. I’m going to be a world champion in this company because I never, ever give up. There were points where I could’ve, but I didn’t. Most wrestlers would’ve done so after losing the match that I just did, but I’m not most wrestlers. This company is truly just beginning to see me at the very best that I’ve ever been. As heartbreaking as Summer XXXtreme was, I’ve gotten up and I’m wanting to fight again and I never, EVER acted like a sore loser and stooped to the levels of taking out my anger on someone by possibly ending their career.

Alicia Lukas, YOU can’t say the same thing. I may not talk about you very much unless we’re facing each other, but needless to say? What you did to Courtney Pierce was pretty damn deplorable. It may have been a shock to most people, but it wasn’t a shock to me. I’ve been where you are at. Hell, I KNOW where you are at on a psychological level despite the egotistical bravado you try to show every single time you turn the camera on. I know that deep down inside, you are BREAKING. I know this Alicia, because I’ve been where you are before. I remember before our first encounter, that I compared you and I and how similar the Myra of 2010 was to the Alicia of 2020. It sickens you that it is not you in the spotlight. You know it’s true. Don’t bullshit that! If it wasn’t true, you wouldn’t have done the predictable thing and used your Queen of the Day privilege to give yourself a world title shot. You wouldn’t have done what you did to Courtney. And you sure as hell wouldn’t have gone on social media and made this huge fucking embarrassing spectacle of yourself talking about how you were going to retire from the business just for losing to Keira Fisher.

What? You thought I was going to just GLOSS over that and act like it never happened? No Alicia, I’ve got to do what so few in this compan\y have the guts to do and that’s hold you accountable for your actions. I get that we all have a moment of weakness. Hell, even I did in the immediate moments after Amber beat me and reality hit me right between the eyes that my Internet title reign was over. I get that you have certain losses that really push you to the edge and really make it tempting for you to give up. I’m not going to judge you for having that temptation to retire. But the way you handled that loss to Keira Fisher was deplorable and it was a complete embarrassment to this Bombshells division, this company and this business. You wanted to give up and quit and you threw the most pathetic pity party that one could ever imagine. You can sweep it under the rug and just say ‘I had a moment’ all you want, but everyone knows that losing to Keira again broke you. It took this fragile psyche that you’ve had since losing the world title to her and it made it even WORSE. Your actions as of late with that and with what you did to Courtney are the actions of someone that is growing increasingly desperate to be the Alicia Lukas of old. Andrea is a damn fool at times that needs to get over herself and I will be the first to admit she really stretched it when she said that your decline started when I beat you in our last encounter, but I see the point she was trying to make.

Because let’s be real honest with each other, Alicia. Since you returned from that injury Bobbie Dahl caused you, you haven’t been the same dominant wrestler you once were. Sure, you’ve won more than you lost and you tout that any chance you get. But damn, it took you what? THREE tries to finally regain the world title after you came back? That should’ve been the first warning sign. The second one was obviously after you lost the title to Keira. Since then, you’ve WON matches… but aside from Queen of the Day, can you name ONE victory that you’ve had that has stood out? You can beat the Courtneys, the Jessies and the Seleanas to your heart’s content. Sure, that will make your win-loss record look a little bit better. But the fact of the matter is, every BIG opportunity you’ve had to get back to that world title level or to even take a significant step back toward the greatness that you were once known for? You’ve failed in every last one of them with the exception of Queen of the Day.

Blast from the Past? You couldn’t even get to the semifinals. Roxi bested you there, even if you weren’t pinned.

You had a chance to face me for the Internet Championship by winning that gauntlet match but not only did you lose to Roxi again, you didn’t even finish in the final three.

You had your chance against Amber Ryan and we all know how that one turned out. Then came the loss to Keira. You can’t tell me that as you have big opportunity after big opportunity and you fail at every last one of them, that it hadn’t been cracking your psyche little by little because everyone knows that’s exactly what has been happening. That loss to Keira and your subsequent social media, ‘I’m retired, wait no I am not’ temper tantrum was the culmination of ALL the frustrations that I just mentioned. For months, you preached about getting back to the top the right way and after that keira loss, you threw THAT out the window and stooped to just wanting to hurt anyone and everyone that stands in your way. You’re declaring war on this whole division just because it doesn’t revolve around YOU anymore and you can’t stand that. Hell, you just HAD to tweet at Andrea after she said what she said about you and demanded that she respect you. You may not see it Alicia, but I do. You’re self-destructing.

You’re going down a very similar path that I did six years ago. You want to burn all your bridges in this company? Fine. But in the long run, Alicia, this isn’t going to work out for you. You’re coming into this match completely desperate at this point. I already know that this isn’t a match for you to prove yourself and to try to get back in the world title. If I had to take a guess, this match for you is to try to avenge the loss that you had to me last year. I know that last time around, when I beat you, it was a definite shocker. I don’t BET that our last encounter stung you, I KNOW it did. But what do I know, right? You said it yourself on Twitter that the only opinion that matters to you aside from your own is that of Amber Ryan, acting as if she actually LIKES YOU when her words toward you going into your match against her completely told a different story. Her opinion is the only one that matters right? So what does that mean when she is outright TELLING YOU that in HER opinion, your name doesn’t mean as much as you think it does? Can you tell me what it means when she’s calling you “trite” and “predictable” and when she’s outright telling you that you got stale and when she’s calling you a ‘main event parasite’ that is ‘toxic’ and ‘selfish’?

I’m not trying to parrot, endorse or agree with anything that Amber Ryan is saying about you even though I may hold similar views about you that she does. But if you’re telling Andrea that the only opinions that matter are those of Amber yet she had very little, if anything GOOD to say about you as I just highlighted, then does that make her negative, critical reception about you true if HER opinion matters to you? It’s like you never heard what she had to say about you at all and that makes that tweet toward Andrea pretty tone deaf if you ask me. That’s a symptom of being in your own damn egotistical bubble for too damn long and having the inability to see what is truly going on around you. You’re not “in decline” as Andrea so put it… or at least it’s not to the overly exaggerated extent that she had tried to put it as, but you’re damn sure not what you were before and it comes down to the fact that you have shown an inability to evolve in any meaningful way! The Alicia Lukas that the world sees in 2021, outcomes and accolades aside, is the same damn Alicia Lukas that the world saw when you first arrived in SCW. Your whole shtick has always been arrive, talk shit, mentally fuck with someone’s head and drive a deep seated fear into their conscience, take advantage of that with a victory and then move on with your life feeling good about yourself and using that victory to inflate your own ego and then turn the camera on in your next match and go into the same old spiel about how great you are… and that’s been pretty much the Alicia Lukas formula: rinse, lather and repeat. No matter how many times the likes of Amber and Roxi seem to hit this point with you, you don’t listen and you stick to the same shtick again and again.

Your words have ceased having the capability of psychologically screwing up someone months ago. That fearful, intimidating aura that you were known for no longer exists. Two years ago, people saw your name across the card and thought “I’m fucked! There’s no way I’m winning.” Now? People see your name on the card and want to mock you for that faux retirement bullshit. You can get mad at what I am telling you. You can have a social media temper tantrum. You can complain about how I am ‘disrespecting you’ and you can hear what I am saying and get angry like a petty little toddler who starts crying because mommy took her cookie away all you want, but the bottom line is, you have absolutely NOBODY to blame for the stagnation that you’ve had this year but yourself. You want people to put respect on your name? Don’t throw a temper tantrum on Twitter and talk about retiring all over social media to the point where it even reflects in your bio and your display name. You want people to put respect on your name? Go out there and WIN the big matches that you used to win with ease so much instead of being just another Amber Ryan challenger, being someone that gets outperformed by Sam Marlowe in a gauntlet and being someone that has constantly lost to Roxi and Keira over and over again since you lost the title to Roxi in the elimination chamber nearly two years ago.

THIS match is that big match opportunity for you, but you’re not going to win this one either Alicia, because you have ceased having any REAL passion for this business and this company LONG before this point and the fact that you haven’t made ANY real effort to get another shot against Amber the way I have since Summer XXXtreme after she put you in your place is evidence of that. I haven’t seen you clamor for a rematch with Amber ONE time while I’m out there making it known that this is a rematch that has to happen This has never, ever been about the love of the business for you, but for the love of yourself and your own ego that you just haven’t been able to justify. Period! I was in your shoes ten years ago. I thought I was too good to evolve and get better. It came back to bite me in the ass and this Sunday that’s exactly what is going to happen to you one again! It wasn’t until I FINALLY realized that I had to evolve to grow stronger and better at what I do when things REALLY started to get good for my career again. It’s a damn shame that someone with so much talent is now constantly wasting it with their own ego. But it is what it is. I can’t convince you to change your ways and that’s not what this is about for me. For me, this is about getting back on that horse and proving that  I STILL deserve to be the number one contender for that world title. For me, this is about making that very statement and Alicia, you just happen to be in the way this week.

This Sunday, when I defeat you again, that statement will be made. I will show the world that I’m not done yet. I will show the world that I haven’t given up, that I won’t give up and that I will keep on fighting no matter how rough things get. I will display how much I’ve evolved throughout my time in Sin City Wrestling. You don’t get to feast on someone that is downtrodden, coming off of heartbreak and on the verge of quitting because I am not even CLOSE to that! This Sunday, I’ll come through in this Hot Stuff Eliminator and I’ll be one step closer to my rematch with Amber.

I may have suffered a heartbreaker at Summer XXXtreme… but I’m not about to give up…

As tough a test as I know you’ll be on Sunday, I know in my heart that it’s a test that I’ve conquered before and it’s a test I’ll conquer again. Why? Because I’m coming into this on top of my game, with all the love and passion for this company pulling me through on Sunday, ready to continue the fight, ready to keep growing and evolving no matter what, ready to keep pushing toward my goals and my dreams and doing whatever it takes to realize them…

You can’t beat me on ANYTHING that just mentioned Alicia… and that’s why I’m pretty damn confident going into this thing on Sunday…

That confidence and determination continued to flood through me as I shut off the camera ready to get right back to work and continue the fight to realize my ultimate goal as a professional wrestler...

July 6th, 2021

Chelsea LeClair and I were both exhausted after we had wrapped up the practice match that we had agreed to. For me, I was feeling an incredible adrenaline rush after it was over because I truly felt that I was even more prepared for my big match against Amber Ryan.

“You were amazing, Myra…” Chelsea said to me with a smile. “You truly are ready for Summer XXXtreme!”


“I’ve never experienced you being so good yourself…” I said to my former protege. “I certainly know why you’re a world champion in your own right and getting that exposure and getting a taste of what it’s like to face a world champion on top of her game is going to do wonders for me. I know you’re going to take this and apply it to your own career too!”

“I certainly will…” Chelsea said with confidence. At this point, Jazmyn Rain, my best friend, who had seen the practice match that we had, walked up to both of us. She too, was beaming.

“Chelsea, you were phenomenal.” Jazmyn told her. “But if you don’t mind, I would like to speak to Myra, alone.”

“Sure…” Chelsea nodded as she rolled out of the training ring that we had our practice match in and subsequently walked out of the room. Jazmyn meanwhile, wrapped an arm around me and my adrenaline rush had me feeling the happiest I had ever been in my career.

“Myra… I was floored by what I just saw.” Jazmyn began. “You didn’t look like you were under any pressure at all facing Chelsea. After all these years, it brings me so much joy to be seeing you at the peak of your career being better than you’ve ever been. You kept your cool when Chelsea had the advantage, you didn’t pressure yourself into self-destructive mistakes and you’re so at peace with yourself.”

I could only smile at this myself.

“I used to wrestle these big matches fearing the worst. During my time in SCW, I’ve vanquished so many insecurities that have tripped me up in the past. I’ve done it so much that I’m not afraid of losing it all against Amber. Maybe a year ago, I would’ve been. But, I’ve overcome that fear now. The stage that’s coming? I’m not sweating it.”

“I waited years for you to reach this point as a wrestler and I’m so happy for you that you have.”

“Honestly, Jaz? When it comes to being a professional wrestler, my career and doing this as long as I have, I’ve NEVER, EVER felt as good about myself and where my career is going than I do right now. Everything is going so well for me. When I first arrived in SCW, I never could’ve imagined this. I feel like when Summer XXXtreme comes…”

Jazmyn and I would be interrupted by the sound of my phone ringing in the corner. Jazmyn was nice enough to quickly grab it for me. When she gave me the phone, I saw that Scotty was calling me. I was a little confused as to why he’d be calling, but nonetheless, I didn’t think much of it when I answered.

“Hey…” I said, not knowing what was to come.

“M-myra… um… thank god…” Scotty said with a quiver in his voice. I immediately became concerned. “...you need to come… NOW!”

“Where are you?” I asked him, feeling the nervousness pour through me already.

“I’m at the hospital… it’s Adrianna…”

My eyes suddenly widened with worry as soon as I heard my sister being mentioned.

“Scotty… What happened? Is she okay?”

“No… she… she was driving on the road to the store and… a drunk driver ran a red light and… smashed right into her…”

In an instant, my world turned upside down.

“...WHAT?” I said, suddenly feeling fear going through me. “NO!!!! Please tell me you’re joking! Please tell me that this is a sick joke! PLEASE!”

“Mini van… driver’s side… you have to come NOW! They’re not sure she’ll make it…”

That last sentence was the most painful sentence I had heard since the day I found out my mother had died. The tears were already rushing as fear and worry had dominated my conscience. Suddenly, wrestling was the last thing on my mind. I tried to be numb, but the reality of what I just heard hit me incredibly quick and incredibly hard…

“NO!!!!!!! NOT MY SISTER!!!!!!!”

“WHAT?” Jazmyn suddenly said out of her own concern.

“This is UNFAIR! She gave birth only a few months ago… NO…”

“She was conscious when they brought her in…”

“Scotty...I…” I paused, realizing that my palms were sweating and I was beginning to feel sick to my stomach. “...I don’t want to hear any more right now. I’ll see you when I get there…”

Now the numbness began to kick in, even for a few seconds.

“...oh my god, what happened?”

“I’m about to lose my sister…” I said, breaking down completely. “This can’t be happening! Why? Why now? Why HER? She doesn’t deserve this! She’s meant everything to me, both in my career and out of it and if I lose her… I don’t know how I can live with myself…”

Jazmyn gave me a warm embrace. Both of us were crying at this point.

“Go…” she assured me. “Be there for her.”

After we broke our embrace, I couldn’t have bolted out of a building and gotten into my car fast enough. Before I could even turn on the ignition, I broke down even more, unable to take the horrible news that I just heard.

“Please God, no!” I said, feeling nothing but desperate at this point. “Don’t take my sister! Please! I know that there have been times where I’ve put my career before her and times where I’ve been bad to her because of it, but please don’t take her.  I don’t feel like… I don’t feel like I’ve fully made things up to her even now… UGH! What am I doing?”

Realizing that begging God to spare her life wasn’t going to help anything, I turned on the car and I pulled out of the parking lot. The tears weren’t even close to stopping and on the drive to the hospital, my relationship with Adrianna suddenly started to flash before my very eyes…

“When I first met her in 2008, my wrestling career was just starting to take off…” I reflected. “Meeting her and realizing that I had a sister gave me the biggest boost imaginable. It was shortly after we met that I won the first world championship of my career and ever since then, she has been such a huge part of my life and my career, even now. But back then… I didn’t realize how much she’d mean to me…

Summer 2008…

Adrianna and I were alone together in a medical office in Atlanta, Georgia. Adrianna, 20 years of age at the time, was looking quite confident. Yet, here I was, a couple of days away from competing for WXWF’s World Championship, full of jitters and nerves.

“I’ve felt like I’ve bonded with you already…” I told her. “...I’ve felt so connected to you even though we’ve known each other for a month. You certainly do feel like you’re my sister. But, what if the test results show differently?

“It’ll be fine, SISTER…” Adrianna said with a chuckle. “I promise. This has been weird for me too, but I’ve felt the same bond as well. I never imagined that I’d have a big sister to look up to but just seeing what you do in the wrestling ring just inspires me so much!”

“What do you want to do with your life, Adrianna?”

“I would love to be this amazing podcast host… or maybe a singer in a band. I can’t really decide. I’m just very artistic, all in all. Hey, maybe I can do a wrestling podcast or something…”

“That wouldn’t be a bad idea…” I said, as we were both interrupted by an assistant in the office handing us both an envelope. I knew that the paternity test results both of us were waiting for had arrived. I saw mine and wasn’t surprised that Adam Rivers was confirmed as my father, as I knew that the whole time.I looked over at Adrianna.

“Well?”

“Here you go!” Adrianna said with a smile as she handed me her test results… which confirmed the same thing. My heart lit up with joy when FINALLY, I had the confirmation that I had a sister. It was one of the most joyous moments of my whole life and when we stood up and hugged each other, I could feel tears of joy going down my face. As sisters, the instant connection we were feeling was unreal.

“I told you…” she said to me.

“I feel like… I have this brand new purpose in my life and career now…”

“What’s that?”

We broke our embrace at that point and we looked each other in the eyes. The innocence that was in Adrianna really warmed my heart. I had never felt pure love from someone before… not since my mother had died.

“I’m going to promise you something, Adrianna. You are my sister and I will cherish that forever! I will always inspire you! I will always make you proud of me! No matter what happens, whenever you need me, I will be here for you. I will NEVER let you down! You are giving me inspiration that I’ve never felt before. I want to be good in my life and do good in my career now that I have someone that looks up to me and god damn it, I am going to be the best role model I can be for you. Everything I do in my wrestling career now belongs to you too. In a few days, when I win my first world title, I’ll be thinking of you and I’m going to win it for you too!”

Adrianna looked like she wanted to cry, but she kept her composure as she embraced me again.

“That’s how things are going to be as long as I do what I love…” I assured her.

“I love you sister…” Adrianna said, warming my heart.

“I love you too… and I will NEVER disappoint you…”

Of course, things don’t always work out so simple…

November 2015

“I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU!” Adrianna screamed at me when I visited her. “How can you turn your back on EVERYTHING you’re all about as a wrestler and as a human being! How can you cheat on someone that did nothing but love and cherish you? How can you stab Jazmyn in the back and treat her that way? How can you suddenly put your career over your own daughter? When we met, you said you’d be the best role model you could be for me and throwing everything away and turning your back on your morals JUST to get ahead in wrestling DOESN’T do that!”

At the time, fresh off my turn to the dark side so to speak, I really wasn’t giving a damn about what my sister had to say.

“I want an explanation, Miranda!”

“I’m doing what I have to do…” I said with an ice cold demeanor. “Jazmyn is just in my way now. I will ruin her career to boost my own. All these years being the good girl and being honorable and all it got me was letting down my unborn daughter and someone who put me through hell in PRW undeservedly being their last world champion! I don’t need to explain anything to you…”

“I’m your sister…”

“I don’t care!”

“You promised me that you’d be the best role model you could be…”

“”Promise broken. I don’t CARE for that anymore! And to be brutally honest with you, I don’t know why I should care when I never asked for a sister in the first place.”

Adrianna gasped in total shock at what I just said.

“Look at you… a sniveling, music world reject who couldn’t hack it on the air waves. Why would I want someone like YOU as a sister? If you weren’t my sister, nobody in wrestling would’ve ever given a shit about you! You’re just DEAD WEIGHT, Adrianna! Why should I burden myself with being your role model? Why do you even NEED a role model? You’re 27 now! Grow up!”

“This can’t be you…” Adrianna said with tears in her eyes.

“This is me…” I said, again in a cold tone of voice. “And honestly? I don’t want you in my life anymore.”

“Myra, please snap out of this…” she said tearfully as I walked to the door.

“Shut the fuck up, crybaby! I never wanted to be your sister anyway!” I opened the door and I heard Adrianna crying. She had collapsed and she was sitting down on the bottom of the stairs, in complete emotional pain. I glanced back at her, smirking and enjoying it before I walked out of her house and slammed the door shut.

“Even now… I don’t feel like I’ve ever made up for treating her the way I did when I was going through that awful phase…”

July 6th

“Adrianna!!!!” I said as I burst into her hospital room. I saw her completely unconscious, but still alive. I was grateful for this but seeing her in such bad shape caused me to collapse at her bedside and really let out all of my emotions while my face was buried in her bed. I grabbed her left hand and really let it out.

“No….” I said, completely devastated that she was in the shape that she was in. She had some bruises on her from the accident and she was motionless. Her hand felt cold and my heart was shattered into millions. Some previous guilt that I had in me for all the times I had let her down and treated her poorly began to pour out of me. “I don’t want to lose you! I don’t want to lose you! I don’t want to lose you! I’m so sorry for every time I’ve ever treated you badly, every time I’ve put my career above you and every horrible thing I ever said to you. I never meant any of it. I took out the pain that I harbored in me for years out on you and you never deserved that. I know I’ve never made it all up to you and… oh god… I don’t want to imagine my life without you…”

“They told me she has a 50/50 chance…” I heard Scotty say behind me. Somehow, I was able to gather myself to stand up. My eyes were beginning to hurt from all the tears I had shed and I immediately found myself running into the arms of Adrianna’s fiance. “...but right now, she’s in a comatose state.”

“The twins are okay, right?” I asked, referring to my infant nieces.

“They’re with my parents. She was on their way to pick them up when the accident happened.”

Scotty didn’t seem so shaken, which surprised me but it also encouraged me. I wasn’t right at the moment, but seeing how calm he was in the moment at least began to help me a little.

“Those twins can’t grow up without their mother. She doesn’t deserve this! Adrianna is the sweetest, kindest, most unselfish human being I’ve ever met. She’s always been there for me. She’s always cheered me up after a tough wrestling loss. She’s always set me straight when I feel like I’m on the edge. She’s always giving me such unconditional love that any sister can ever ask for. Every time she could help me with something in my career, she would. Every time I needed a lift before a big match, she’d give me that. She’s given me so much while I’ve given her so little in return and… I feel HORRIBLE about it. I could never apologize enough for the way I treated her during the GCW and UWA years.”

“She’s going to get through this, I promise…” Scotty said with confidence.

“I have to stay here with her!” I said as I walked back to her bedside and grabbed her left hand again. “I have to see her wake up… or I have to be here for her until the end. There is NOTHING more important to me in this world than my sister right now. I’m NOT leaving her side! I’m here for her now and I’m going to make up for everything awful I’ve ever done to her by being here no matter what…”

“Myra…” Scotty said with a conflicted sigh. “I know that this isn’t really the time to ask this… but what about Summer XXXtreme? What about the cruise? That ship is going to sail in a few days.”

“If I have to miss that world title match just to be with my sister, that’s what I am going to have to do!” I said, with no hesitation. Scotty on the other hand, was absolutely stunned by what I just said. “My baby sister, the only sister I am ever going to have, is more important to me than winning a world title. If I miss the cruise, so be it! I can have another world title match, but I’ll never have another sister! Amber can wait!”

“Myra, I applaud your loyalty but…”

“But NOTHING! I’ve carried YEARS of regret about my sister! Obviously, the times that I treated her like trash speak for themselves, but my biggest regret is that I’ve been so caught up with my career and with everything going on that I’ve missed out on being a real sister! Sure, going out and accomplishing something and winning a big match is an amazing feeling… but think about what I’ve missed because of wrestling. I cut her off for a YEAR to chase the GCW Global title. I missed her giving birth to my nieces because I was defending the Internet Championship against Candy that same day! I missed her first concert when she tried to be a singer eight years ago because I had to fight my last match in PRW… that I ended up LOSING! I know in wrestling, we have to make sacrifices, but this time, I have to sacrifice wrestling to be the sister I’ve never been!”

Tears of sorrow and regret were filling me more as I tightly grabbed her hand and watched her heart rate remain stable.

“You need to give yourself more credit than that as far as Adrianna is concerned. She’s always spoken highly of you.”

“This is all my fault…” I said, the guilt sweeping me now. “If I wasn’t such a screw up of a sister, she wouldn’t be this way.”

“That’s not true…”

“Yes it is! The only way I can ever make up for being such a screwed up sister is if I sacrifice the biggest match of my career.”

“I respectfully disagree, Myra…” Scotty says, much to my surprise. I turned toward him, letting Adrianna go for the moment. “If you feel like you’ve been a screwed up sister, even though I don’t think you are, nor does she, that’s one thing. If you feel like you have to make it up to her you would need to do what she’d want in a situation like this. She wouldn’t want you to sacrifice this match. She’d want you to get on that cruise and wrestle Amber Ryan for the world title. If you feel like you have to make things up to her, that’s what you should be doing.”

Suddenly, I was feeling torn as I looked at my unconscious sister, then back at Scotty. My feelings shifted to doubt at this point.

“How?” I asked with a soft, sullen voice. “How in the world can I even COMPETE against Amber, let alone WIN against her knowing in the back of my mind that Adrianna’s life is at stake? I don’t think I can do this… I don’t think I can wrestle that match. There’s adversity to overcome, and then there’s this. There’s no way I can win that match now…”

“You can…” Scotty said, reassuring me. “I believe in you! She believes in you. You’ve got so many people believing in you. I know that this sudden turn of events is going to make it more difficult for you, but you’re incredibly strong. I… WE… know you can do this. All of the obstacles you’ve overcome have prepared you for something like this.”

“How do you know she’d want me to wrestle that match?” I asked.

“For one, she’s one of the least selfish, most caring people on the planet…” Scotty reminded me. “And secondly? Well… there’s something that I have to go get from my car that will really open your eyes. I’ll be right back…”

Scotty and I embraced each other again before he walked out of the room to grab whatever he needed. This left me in an eerie state of mind as I found myself alone with Adrianna. My heart continued to break seeing her in the comatose state that she was in and I began to reflect on our relationship a little bit more…

“You have always… ALWAYS encouraged me to push on… even if that meant making a sacrifice of your own....”

June 2015

“Just sign the contract…” Adrianna says to me with a laugh. I looked at the contract offer that I had gotten from GCW that would ultimately vault me back into the wrestling business after two years away.

“I don’t know…” I said, doubting myself.

“Myra, you’re going to be fine. I know it’s scary going back to wrestling when you haven’t done it in a while. I get that you may not be the same wrestler you were before and it may not work out. I know that you want to be successful and that a lack of success may worry you. But, I know that when you sign that contract and report to GCW, you’re going to be even better than you were before!”

“Thank you, Adri!. I believe you. But, successes, accolades and all of that isn’t what I’m worried about. I’m 30 years old, about to turn 31. I’m still young enough to have success in my career and greater success than before…”

“So why are you so hesitant to get back to your dream? You want this, Myra! You deserve to go back to wrestling and have a better ending than you did two years ago.”

“I’ve got to sacrifice… and those sacrifices aren’t small. Travelling around the world again? Less time I get to spend with Kimberly? She’s only going to be two and she really needs me to be there at this age. I’ve felt you and I have bonded during my retirement too and I feel like going back to wrestling would risk that. I don’t want to lose that.”

“Don’t worry about me. Listen to your heart. I would love it, personally, if you went back. The way your career ended was cruel and there’s no reason why that should be your final chapter. Your heart wants this, Myra. Listen to it. Sign that contract and live your dream again. When Kimberly gets older, she’ll truly understand. No matter what you do, you have my unconditional support. Our bond won’t be lost just because we wouldn’t be spending as much time together. Besides, Ricky already gave you his blessing. So at this point, why would you pass this up?”

This caused me to think a bit. A part of me felt guilty because I was feeling like Adrianna was sacrificing our bond for my career. Yet, in my heart, getting back in the ring was something that I always wanted to do. There was unfinished business in the ring that I felt like I had to take care of and I knew how lucky I was that I even got a second chance to be part of something I’d loved since I was seven years old.

“You may never get another chance to go back…” Adrianna reminded me. “Wouldn’t Kimberly appreciate you more if you went back to revive your dream instead of wondering ‘what if’ for the rest of your life? I will have your back, 100 percent, just like I always have. I promise.”

I thought about it for a little more, and then I signed the GCW contract. My heart was full of joy knowing I was going to be living my dream again.

“Thank you, Adrianna. I’m so happy that I have you as my sister. I don’t know if I would’ve made this move today without you…”

This memory certainly stung for me considering I’d cut her off for a year just five months later. Still, I was only about to reflect on how strong her unconditional love truly was…

Christmas Day 2018

I was fresh off of losing the Carnage tag titles to Paragon and fresh off of deciding that I didn’t want to live in the darkness anymore. This was the day that I faced up to my awful mistakes being the person that I was for the very first time. We sat alone in my backyard with three whole years of guilt and regret stabbing me in the heart.

“I’m so sorry for being such a terrible sister and for the way I’ve been treating you the last three years…” I said with all the regret that my heart could possibly muster. “I’ve done so many awful things to you. I’ve said so many awful things to you. I don’t think I can take any of it back. I never meant to be so hurtful to you. Wrestling and I have a toxic relationship. It’s brought out the best of me and it’s brought out the worst of me… and you more than anyone not named Jazmyn has seen and felt the worst of me…”

“You put me through hell, Myra.” Adrianna said. “You called me names. You put me down. You cut me off for a whole year at one point because you thought I was dead weight. You truly broke my heart treating me the way you did. However, I never lost faith in you and I knew that someday, you were going to talk to me again. Even more, I knew that someday, you were going to come around. You’ve started to, and I’m happy beyond words. Let’s just say that this is the best Christmas present you could ever give me.”

“I’m never, EVER going back to that darkness again! I’ll NEVER be that person that I was in my wrestling career and the best way to do it is to… let it go… to retire… because this ensures I’ll never make the same mistake again.”

“Myra… don’t…”

“I have to. I’m never going to redeem myself for all the horrible things I’ve done. I’ve burned so many bridges. I’ll never be forgiven for what I’ve done.”

“I’ve forgiven you…” she said, much to my shock. “...and I think you WILL redeem yourself. You know in your heart who you need to be. You know who the real Myra is. The fans and your peers know who she is. The way to prove that you’re sorry is to give them the Myra they haven’t had in three years. You ARE redeemable. You WILL make up for what you’ve done. I was one of the people you treated the WORST and I’ve forgiven you.

“I promised you 10 years ago that I’d be your inspiration…” I said with a sigh. “If it’s the old Myra that they all knew and loved that they want, then that’s what they’re going to get. Redeeming myself and making up for EVERYTHING is going to be an uphill battle for me but if you believe in me, then I should too. I’m going to make it happen… and it’s going to take some time. How long? I don’t know. All I know is… it’s a challenge that I KNOW I can overcome. You’re so forgiving… I don’t know if I deserve it after all I put you through…”

“You’re my sister!” Adrianna reminded me. “No matter what, I will always want you to be part of my life…”

I felt conflicted, but at the same time, I was feeling happy. Once again, Adrianna encouraged me to push on. But more importantly, she made it clear that everything was a clean slate and that I had a chance to start over. Considering that most wrestlers in the business don’t even get a second or third change, it was something that I definitely felt grateful for and never lost sight of.

After all, aside from the occasional relapse, I haven’t slipped back into the darkness ever since. Adrianna was certainly someone to credit for that…

July 6th

Scotty walked back in the room holding an envelope and he was incredibly calm, even calmer than he was before he had left the room. The way he was carrying himself really caught me by surprise.

“The love of your life is in a life and death situation and you don’t seem worried at all.”

“Adrianna is going to get through this” Scotty said, almost as if he knew. “I sure as hell believe in her. She’s a Rivers, just like her sister. If my dad and I know anything about Rivers women, it’s that they’re incredibly strong. She’s been stable since she’s been here and I know that’s a great sign. She is strong enough to pull through this and so are you. Your whole SCW career has solidified you as one of the strongest women I’ve ever known. You’ve overcome so much of your insecurities and your demons that most wouldn’t even be able to themselves.”

“But… this is different. Seeing someone I love like this… it breaks my heart so bad. I’m going to be so unfocused against Amber. She’s going to beat me and I’m going to lose everything. My title reign is going to be over. The best chance at a world championship that I’ve ever had will be gone… and it just might be my last chance considering I’m about to turn 37 and everything. I’ll have to start all over again, from the bottom. I want to fight that match, Scotty. I want to dedicate it to Adrianna’s honor so badly. But I know that before, I’ve done the same thing with my mother and with Kimberly and I’ve lost those matches and it’s devastated me to the point of going insane. The consequences of that match have the potential to be severe… even more now in light of what’s happening…”

“What happened to being zen about this whole thing and not worrying about the consequences of failure like you were preaching so much about going into your mixed tag match?”

“Oh… right…” I said with a sigh. “It’s just hard right now to be so focused. Tonight’s been a roller coaster. One minute, I’m feeling like I’m the best that I’ve ever been and that I’m on top of my game and that I’ve finally got everything figured out and the next, I find out my sister is in a life or death situation.”

“I understand. But at the end of the day, the odds of you winning that match against Amber haven’t changed one bit. You have to believe in Adrianna that she can pull through this and you have to believe in yourself that you can as well. Last I checked, you’re still at the best you’ve ever been and at the top of your game. So what do you say? Are you on that cruise?”

Scotty’s words have at least pulled me out of the hole a bit. I was starting to feel that old fire and encouragement from before that had enabled me to pull off such a historic reign. My eyes were finally dry after crying on and off for so long and I could feel my spirit starting to come back to me. I nodded at Scotty who looked relieved.

“It’s what Adrianna would want. The only thing that has changed about this match is that I have something else to fight for and that something just happens to be someone that I love and care for deeply.”

“I have to get back to my parents to get the twins. But, before I go, here’s that thing that I wanted to give you.”

Scotty hands me an envelope that has my name on it and a small note that says “don’t open until your birthday”

“Adrianna wanted to give it to you when you went on the cruise. She didn’t want you to read it until your birthday, but I think you need it now, more than ever. I’ll let you know that my girls and I are okay. Kimberly’s okay, right?”

“She’s spending the night with her grandmother…” I said. “Thank you.”

We hugged each other once more before Scotty left the room for the night, obviously to take care of his and Adrianna’s twin daughters during this difficult time. I reached inside the envelope and I pulled out a card. I widened my eyes when I saw that the front of the card said “Happy Birthday” on it. I was feeling incredibly touched when it also said “To the best sister ever…”

Opening it, I found a written note inside the birthday card that Adrianna wrote…

“Myra,

Today, you’re fighting the biggest match of your life. Some birthday present, right? I want you to know that no matter what happens against Amber, I will always be proud of you for how far you’ve come and you will always be an inspiration to me. Win or lose, that will never change.

During your SCW career, you’ve been at your very best.

Beating Amber and Alicia back to back in your third and fourth matches respectively in SCW? REALLY? God, that was amazing! Winning the Internet title against Kate in just your fifth match there? I was beyond floored and beyond happy for you. I had never been more thrilled for you. It was one of my favorite moments of your career. Your amazing, historic title run, the run you had in the Blast from the Past tournament, your High Stakes win over Seleana, your recent defense against Roxi… I can go on and on. Seeing you evolve into the wrestler that I always knew you could be has been one of the greatest joys of my whole life.

I know in GCW and UWA, you were a huge screw up. I know things ended badly in Carnage. But sis, your SCW run has fully redeemed you. You have come such a LONG way from your shortcomings and all of the awful mistakes you had made to the point where those can never define you anymore. You have conquered your demons, slayed your insecurities and become the best sister anyone can ever ask for. Thirteen years of cheering for you and standing by your side and I’ve never been happier to have you as my sister than I am right now.

Amber will be tough, but the demons and the insecurities you slayed along the way were tougher.

I believe in you! I have all of my faith in you that you are going to win this match! Now go out there and do it! Go out and make history! Win number 20! Win your fifth world title. Nobody deserves it more than you!

I love you Miranda. What you do in that ring brings more joy to my life than I could ever describe and that’s something I always want you to remember.

Adrianna.”

I sighed after reading that, but in a good way.

“Ugh, I thought I was done crying tonight…” I said with a laugh as I put the card to the side for the moment. I walked over to her bedside again and I stood above her, holding her hand. “Thank you, Adrianna. Thank you for all of the unconditional love and support you’ve given me over the years even when I may not have deserved it. For you, I’m going on that cruise, I’m fighting Amber, and I’m winning that world title because I know you’d want me to fight that match no matter what. I love you baby sister…”

I emphasized this with a kiss to her forehead.

“I’m not leaving your side tonight…”

I sat down next to her and held her hand as tight as I could. Even though I eventually fell asleep in my chair, I stayed with her all night because I wanted to be there for someone who had done so much for my life and for my career…

And now? I was determined to win the world title for her too...

July 10th, 2021

Two days later, I had the cameras on me in the unlikeliest of places: a hospital waiting room. Obviously, with Adrianna’s condition being what it was, I wanted to spend as much time with her as I could. I had the Internet Championship with me and it was over my shoulder and for a while, I was battling the cobwebs in my brain that made me torn about even trying to do this. However, my heart reminded me that Adranna would still want to give it my best at what I do in this business no matter what the circumstances were. I could feel her love and her strength in my heart as I began to express my thoughts on what I already knew would be the biggest match of my career…

“It bears reminding the world, but when I first signed to Sin City Wrestling, I never imagined my journey would go like this. Summer XXXtreme will be my 350th day as the SCW Bombshells Internet Champion. Summer XXXtreme will also happen to fall on my 37th birthday. And here I am, in the best form that I’ve ever been in my career, fighting Amber Ryan in a title for title match. This isn’t our first encounter with each other, but this is our first encounter one on one since Into the Void last year and it goes without saying that we’ve both changed and grown since then. I have overcome so much to get to where I am. I had to prove myself in this company. I had to prove to the business that I had finally grown and evolved into a true professional wrestler. I had to prove to the business that I wasn’t the same old, bridge burning Myra that would cause a whole host of backstage controversy like I was before. I have. In spades. Critics have tried to come my way. You’ve had your Ruby Steeles trying to drag me down with empty nonsense and such, but through it all, through thick and thin, through the criticism, through some bitterness, through some cynics and through some haters, I never stopped believing that one day I would get to this point and that I would get to this point the RIGHT way: because I’ve EARNED IT, because I’ve proven myself as one of the best women’s wrestlers in the world! I didn’t take shortcuts. I didn’t cheat my way to get to this point. I didn’t blast anyone’s brains out with a ringbell to get my way. I did it the way I was brought up in this business!

I did it with honor. I did it with integrity. I did it because I was always capable of doing this and sure, maybe on paper, I MIGHT be the underdog against Amber Ryan because something that hasn’t changed is that she’s the favorite to win in the Vegas betting odds just about every single match that she’s wrestled. I get that she’s been dominant. I get that she has ran through just about everyone that’s been in her way. I know she gave someone of the stature of Roxi Johnson problems last year. Recently, she even put the woman that at one point was more feared than any woman on the roster in Alicia Lukas in her place. You can say that Amber has BECOME that herself and that she’s become themost HATED woman on the roser. But the thing is Amber, I don’t hate  you. I don’t fear you. I am not like Christina Rose who made it all about wanting to ‘kill’ you and who had this huge vendetta against you. I’m not someone like Ruby Steele who truly wasn’t ready for the spotlight. I am far and away the biggest challenge you are ever going to have in your title reign and that is going to hold true even if you beat me and move along with your reign. The match that should’ve been the main event of Into the Void is finally going to happen and I don’t know about you, Amber, but despite being the likely underdog… and despite the fact that my sister recently got into a life threatening accident and I wasn’t sure if I was even going to wrestle this match at one point, I’m feeling as great as I’ve ever been. I know what you are, Amber. I know your mystique and I know your aura and that’s why you haven’t been able to beat me.

Does that eat at you? I wasn’t joking nor was I holding back when I said that you were someone that needs constant validation from yourself. I never meant any disrespect by that. I was calling it like I see it because at one point, I thought just like you. I want to pity you in a way, Amber because no matter what you accomplish in this business, nothing feels like it’s good enough for you. Here you are as the world champion and one of the most dominant bombshells that we’ve had in recent memory and you STILL find an excuse to be miserable? You’ve defended that title three times already and it’s STILL not enough for you? I understand that you are one of those wretlers that feels like they can’t have enough because again, that was me at one point but wow, nothing you’ve accomplished makes you happy enough? Right, you said it yourself. ‘There’s no such thing as enough’. Yikes. That sounds quite dark if you ask me. It’s one thing to keep pushing to be stronger and better every single day, but the way you go about it, you’re never satisfied with a damn thing and you never can be, because deep down, being satisfied creates a fear of complacency in you. It’s a double edged sword. Sure, you stay motivated, but ultimately, you never stop and smell the roses. You’re far too consumed in your business, in your career, in your legacy, in your title reign and you may not realize this Amber, but the longer you become fixated on these things, the more you risk destroying yourself. I get the sense that should I win this match, everything that you’ve accomplished will feel meaningless won’t it?

The match itself, it may be all or nothing, but I’m not treating it that way because the way I see it, all I have to lose is a match and a championship I already have and that’s coming from the perspective of someone that is strong enough to be grateful of the fact that they weren’t even supposed to get as far as she has in this company. I didn’t come to Sin City Wrestling with the mission of destroying everyone, putting everyone in their place and being the best at everything. That’s an M.O. that I’ve long abandoned, Amber. You? You’re a complete mystery, or at least you’d like to think you’re one but the truth of the matter is, you’re not. Validation is what defines you because you can never get enough of it. You couldn’t even relax going into our tag team match and at least have a LITTLE bit of perspective. No, you had to spend much of your promo talking about how you didn’t like the stipulation of the match, how it has to be YOU in the proper main event of the show to ‘maintain the status quo’ and all of these other things. You brag about how you’ve  made your home in the main event and how the main event has to be your house and such, but does it really need to be? You’re the world champion. You’re still in a high profile match that I would consider the main event even though on the card it’s not the MAIN EVENT MAIN EVENT, but because it’s not, that’s something to gripe about, right? You say that you respect me, but I know you’re still going to try to do whatever it takes to try to tear me down because that IS your M.O. That IS what you feel like you need to do to every single opponent whether you respect them or not. I know this because that’s what you did to me in our first one on one encounter. It’s the intimidator tactic, I get it. You’ve got to throw someone off their psychological game. I can vouch for that approach since I used to do the same thing myself but something that you need to learn more than anything else coming into this match, Amber, is that no matter what you say, no matter what you do, no matter how badly you hurt me, no matter how much you might try to diminish what I have accomplish, no matter how much you may try to compare my SCW run to yours in a condescending way, you can’t EVER break me down.

You may respect me now, but I can’t and I won’t, forget how a few months ago, in the Blast from the Past tournament when we faced each other, you DID try to diminish what I’ve done: saying you weren’t impressed by my Bombshells Internet title reign up to that point, criticizing me for saying ‘not all that much’, even going out there and trying to Ruby Steele my titole reign before the stupid bitch herself did so leading up to the Blast from the Past finals. You tried everything in your arsenal leading up to that Blast from the Past finals match to try to diminish my title reign and make it seem like it was nothing impressive and nothing special because you felt like you HAD to do that. You HAD to even TRY to say that I had ‘stagnated’ since our first one and one encounter. I’m the one that’s stagnated, but in that promo before that Blast from the Past match, you proved that you had learned NOTHING from that first encounter. Stagnating wrestlers don’t hold a championship for 350 days. Stagnating wrestlers don’t get to the Blast from the Past finals… albeit, I HATED how I got there as far as it pertains to you because I never wanted to win that match that way, but still. What I’ve done here? It speaks for itself. The fact that you tried to diminish that before? That speaks for itself too.

You HAD to feel the NEED to do so.

Hell, you even said it yourself months ago that you have a reputation that you HAVE to uphold and that said reputation dictates that you HAVE to have a win back against someone that you’ve never beaten one on one. WHY do you even HAVE to uphold a certain reputation? Why do you HAVE to beat someone that’s beaten you in the past? That just further feeds into what I’ve been saying about validation being a drug. That just proves to me that without beating me, you’re never going to feel complete as a world champion, does it not? If you truly believed in yourself and what you do in this business to your purest hearts of hearts, then you wouldn’t HAVE to validate yourself by beating me. You wouldn’t HAVE to uphold a certain reputation. You wouldn’t NEED to have the whole world revolve around you. You wouldn’t feel the NEED to break down and put down other people as if they weren’t worthy of facing you. You treat almost everyone around you like they’re beneath you because you feel the need to do that, but you’re talking about how as the Internet champion I’m the one looking down on people? You’re the one that’s looked down on just about everyone since the day you got here which has caused so much hatred toward you from the Bombshells locker room with me being one of the few exceptions.

You can never be truly happy or satisfied in this business, Amber. You can never find your true zen nor can you ever be at peace with yourself as far as professional wrestling is concerned. It’s not momentum that is your biggest disadvantage against me. It’s not the fact that you’ve yet to defeat me that is your biggest advantage. Your biggest disadvantage, your biggest weakness, is just that: that nothing’s ever good enough for you and that you can never be happy or satisfied with ANYTHING! This match for you? Be honest. Sure, you have that motivation of facing a worthy challenger and someone that you respect, but that’s not your biggest motivation, is it? Be honest with the world. Be honest with yourself. The biggest thing for you is to finally get that win over me that you haven’t gotten yet. You’re too much of a tortured troubled soul for that thought to have NOT crossed your mind at some point. But for me? This motivation that I have? It goes beyond the business. It goes beyond accomplishing my goal of my 5th world title and my 20th title overall. Sure, those are great numbers, but I’ve never been obsessed with them. I want to win this match, Amber and I want to win it badly, there’s no denying that, but I want to win this match for the love that I have for this business. Because I know in my heart that being the SCW Bombshells World Champion gives me the opportunity to represent this company and give this company something to be proud of in the wrestling world.

Being the SCW Bombshells World Champion would be the biggest honor of my career.

This isn’t about a redemption tour. I’ve already completed that. And while I preached for so long about reaching my full potential, this isn’t about that either because I know in my heart that after all these years, I’ve finally done so and the outcome of this match doesn’t change that no matter what the outcome is.

And yes, that IS good enough for me and that’s not being complacent because I’ve NEVER, EVER been complacent in my career. That's me having the ability that YOU have ALWAYS lacked in your career and that is being secure with oneself. This is basically DO OR DIE, ALL OR NOTHING for you and you’re going to keep putting that pressure on yourself with that tendency to never be happy with anything. There is no pressure on me… even in the shadow of my sister having a life threatening accident and being comatose and knowing that I AM fighting this match for her as a thank you for all that she’s done for me. All the pressure is on you, Amber.

All that pressure you put on yourself with that lack of self-validation and the lack of ability to be secure in any way is what is ultimately going to sink your championship reign. You’ve always been one of those wrestlers that fight for glory, and championships and fame… at least that’s how you’ve always come off to me with how you act. You’ve always been fighting these battles in professional wrestling to be better than anyone and everyone… all because you can never have enough.

But not me… not anymore. I’m beyond having to fight for ego and self-fulfillment now. It’s not about goals, it’s about doing right by my life’s passion and the company that I KNOW I am going to retire with in the far future. It’s about doing right by everyone that has ever stood by me through all the years, thick and thin. It’s about my sister and making her proud. It’s about my daughter and continuing to show that she’ll always have a role model in me. It’s about my mother and continuing to fight in her honor for the legacy she left in her day and for everything she EVER did for me in my life, especially laying the groundwork for the passion of my entire life.

LOVE, not validation, Amber, is why I wrestle now… love for the business, love for this division, love for those that stand by me…

Hell, I’ve finally learned to love myself after beating myself down for years. I pity you Amber… because you ARE better than what you’ve been your entire SCW career. You’re BETTER than never feeling like anything is good enough. You’re BETTER than never being satisfied with anything. You just don’t love yourself enough to be better than all that…

Perhaps when I take that title from you, you’ll finally understand how to.

So go ahead, Amber. Bring that chip on your shoulder. Bring your worst. Bring that self-hatred and that scorn that you carry in your heart. Bring that bitterness that you carry in your soul. Because I know I’m strong enough to overcome all that, defeat you, and become the SCW Bombshells World Champion…

And at Summer XXXtreme, when I pour my heart into this more than ever before and carry the strength I’ve built within me and the strength and the love those that have stood by me have given me…

That’s exactly what I am going to do…

At this point, I shut off the camera. But even then, I pull out a picture of Adrianna and I smiling and laughing together with one last thing to say.

“We’re going to win this together sis… I know we are… your love, your strength… it’s going to win me that world title…”