Show Posts
1
Climax Control Archives / Disapointment
« on: August 03, 2018, 07:14:32 PM »
The feeling of falling into that pool, watching as my aspirations of facing my mentor disappeared as I broke the surface, was like having my heart ripped out. When I reemerged, a member of the crew offered me a hand. I took it and a fluffy white towel. Maybe it was a bit petty of me, but I didn't stick around to wait to see who won. It didn't matter to me, because it wasn't me.
Once I got out of view, the tears started. I couldn't help but feel like I had let everyone down. I had come into this fight with determination, with strength. Maybe Mikah had been right.
Her apology had come too late but I accepted it nonetheless and once we were back on dry land, she had invited me to come see the center and to talk about getting our training going again. I wasn't expecting her to be a different person. I didn't want to be treated like I was some frail flower. Crying was not a weakness, it was a release. It let go of everything you were holding inside. After I cried, I felt better.
I needed to stop, so sliding down the wall, I sit on the floor of the corridor. I didn't care that I was dripping or that I was leaving a puddle on the beautiful linoleum floor. I cared about making an impact.
I was so caught up in my own miserable thoughts that I didn't notice when Effie sat down beside me. She was dressed in a pair of long shorts, not quite long enough to be capris though. A Bikini top over bronzed skin. Her blond hair was done in rows of braids, done by a local on one of the islands the ship had stopped at.
Effie: “You know, you have nothing to be ashamed of.”
I disagreed of course. I had come out there with so many hopes and dreams and now they were all at the bottom of the pool.
Effie: “It was a match full of high stakes. It really was all about circumstances, not skill.”
I still wasn't convinced. It had everything to do with skill, just not necessarily all Wrestling skills.
Effie: “I will take your lack of speech as a silent protest.”
She pulls a cigarette case from her pocket and pulls out a stick. It looked like the ones you use for lollipops.
Effie: “Trying to quit, but I need something in my mouth...”
She nudges me firmly with her elbow, trying to get a laugh out of me. Best I can do is a smirk.
Effie: “Well there's something at least. Look, you are a tough girl. Anyone that says otherwise is just jealous. Do you realize how much potential you have? And no one in this company can fucking see it. Seems to be the folly of our bosses. If you are not crazy, an asshole or supermodel beautiful you get looked over. But isn't that life for us as women anyway? It is 2018 and there are still some people out there that believe that women shouldn't have rights?”
She shakes her head, chewing hard on the stick. I could see why she smoked in the first place.
Effie: “So those tears you are trying to hide, don't hide them. Don't let anyone tell you that crying is a weakness. It is just how you deal. See me? I get angry and that's not always good. This isn't the end. You are trained by the Bloody bombshell champion. If you weren't skilled she wouldn't have taken you on.”
It was true, Mikah didn't take on charity cases. I had to show her what I could do. She worked me for three days straight, eight hour days. Then she had been convinced I could hang.
She stands, watching me with this look on her face that I couldn't quite place. It was hard to know what Effie was thinking. She definitely wore a mask. Like the masks for comedy and Drama, only Effie's faces were indifferent and anger. So this was not something I was used to.
Effie: “I’ll see you around.”
She nods at me before walking back the way she came. Her words helped a little but I still felt like I let everyone down. I wasn't going to give up though. I just had to work harder. Be stronger. Be faster.
***
***ON CAMERA***
“I didn't come out victorious for the battle royal at summer extreme.”
Aviana sits at a table in front of a large window, a purple juice in a clear cup and lid, sits in front of her. She takes a sip and gives a half smile. She has her dark blonde hair in a ponytail. Someone walks by the window and you can now tell she is at a juice bar of some sort.
“And just like I thought, Crystal and Seleana worked together. It wasn't fair but life rarely is. I am not a mean or vindictive person but I for one am happy to see the end of the Mikah and Crystal back and forth. No one wants to see the same match, multiple times. As a wrestling fan, I would have been disappointed in that outcome but happy Mikah retained.”
She looks toward the window for a second, obvious that her loss was weighing heavily on her heart. She looks back to the camera now.
“But I wanted to be the one to win. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. So now, I have to just keep fighting my way to the top again, no matter how long it takes. I was trained by Mikah. I even incorporated some of her moves in my repertoire, but I am not Mikah and I won't be defined by her. I don't think Mikah would want that either, to her, it is not flattery to be emulated. But she does take a certain amount of pride in those she has dedicated time to training.”
She takes a sip of the drink. She then dabs the corners of her mouth with a napkin.
“I didn't get as much one-on-one as Courtney did, so expecting me to be a top billed person is unrealistic. I don't want to be defined by either of them either. A world full of people who all conform to the same mold would be a very dull place indeed.”
She attempts another smile but it falls flat. She seemed to be harder on herself than anyone else could ever be.
“I know that I am not a traditional wrestler but as you may have noticed I am not a traditional girl either. I do things my way and it does work, I just need to keep getting better. And I will.”
She inhales deeply, holding the breath before releasing it again. She is trying very hard to keep herself from getting emotional.
“So this match... a match billed as being special in some way, is against Parand Ara again. I am not going to be cocky and think that because I won before I will easily do so again. Parand was a tough fight. I need this win though and I am going to know what tools to bring into the ring this time. I am better prepared. I know her moves. She should know mine as well, but to be honest she strikes me as someone that doesn't pay much attention to her opponents that closely. She already judged me to be just as immoral and self righteous as every other bombshell.”
A determined look comes into her eyes. Probably more determined than the audience has ever seen her. As if this big loss has really provided the extra push she needed.
“In the end though, it was her own arrogance that cost her the match and I know it will cost her again this time too. I respect Miss Ara’s beliefs. I understand why she feels that women should be more, submissive and agreeable. But forcing your views on others and telling them their beliefs are wrong, is just as wrong. Accepting differences is the only way to achieve peace on this planet. I hope that if anything, Miss Ara will accept my hand in respect at the end of another well fought match. And I do respect her. Her skills are awesome and she has a natural ring awareness. Those are valuable tools to bring to the table.”
She finally is able to give a genuine smile.
“Good luck, Parand.”
She finishes the drink and stands, walking to the garbage can and turning back to the camera.
“And to answer your previous question... yes, I do have faith, just not in the things you think.”
She nods her head as she adjusts a duffle bag on her shoulder and leaves the establishment.
***
Getting home from the gym, I noticed the blinking light on the answering machine. Yes. We still had a landline. Call it old school thinking. So we also had an old answering machine too. I have no shame in it.
Ana was at a doctor's appointment so obviously she wasn't here to answer the phone. I press the button while I start to unpack my gym bag, I was still feeling damp and needed a shower desperately. I didn't do communal showers. I even changed my clothes in a toilet stall. Don't judge.
“Aviana, this is Jessica. You know, Oceana’s aunt? Yeah well I wanted to tell you personally that I came back as a match. I still want to help by donating my kidney, but I want something in return. I can't just give anonymously. I want to know my niece. So, that's my only request. Give me a call when you get this and we can chat. Okies! Bye!”
Shit.
Once I got out of view, the tears started. I couldn't help but feel like I had let everyone down. I had come into this fight with determination, with strength. Maybe Mikah had been right.
Her apology had come too late but I accepted it nonetheless and once we were back on dry land, she had invited me to come see the center and to talk about getting our training going again. I wasn't expecting her to be a different person. I didn't want to be treated like I was some frail flower. Crying was not a weakness, it was a release. It let go of everything you were holding inside. After I cried, I felt better.
I needed to stop, so sliding down the wall, I sit on the floor of the corridor. I didn't care that I was dripping or that I was leaving a puddle on the beautiful linoleum floor. I cared about making an impact.
I was so caught up in my own miserable thoughts that I didn't notice when Effie sat down beside me. She was dressed in a pair of long shorts, not quite long enough to be capris though. A Bikini top over bronzed skin. Her blond hair was done in rows of braids, done by a local on one of the islands the ship had stopped at.
Effie: “You know, you have nothing to be ashamed of.”
I disagreed of course. I had come out there with so many hopes and dreams and now they were all at the bottom of the pool.
Effie: “It was a match full of high stakes. It really was all about circumstances, not skill.”
I still wasn't convinced. It had everything to do with skill, just not necessarily all Wrestling skills.
Effie: “I will take your lack of speech as a silent protest.”
She pulls a cigarette case from her pocket and pulls out a stick. It looked like the ones you use for lollipops.
Effie: “Trying to quit, but I need something in my mouth...”
She nudges me firmly with her elbow, trying to get a laugh out of me. Best I can do is a smirk.
Effie: “Well there's something at least. Look, you are a tough girl. Anyone that says otherwise is just jealous. Do you realize how much potential you have? And no one in this company can fucking see it. Seems to be the folly of our bosses. If you are not crazy, an asshole or supermodel beautiful you get looked over. But isn't that life for us as women anyway? It is 2018 and there are still some people out there that believe that women shouldn't have rights?”
She shakes her head, chewing hard on the stick. I could see why she smoked in the first place.
Effie: “So those tears you are trying to hide, don't hide them. Don't let anyone tell you that crying is a weakness. It is just how you deal. See me? I get angry and that's not always good. This isn't the end. You are trained by the Bloody bombshell champion. If you weren't skilled she wouldn't have taken you on.”
It was true, Mikah didn't take on charity cases. I had to show her what I could do. She worked me for three days straight, eight hour days. Then she had been convinced I could hang.
She stands, watching me with this look on her face that I couldn't quite place. It was hard to know what Effie was thinking. She definitely wore a mask. Like the masks for comedy and Drama, only Effie's faces were indifferent and anger. So this was not something I was used to.
Effie: “I’ll see you around.”
She nods at me before walking back the way she came. Her words helped a little but I still felt like I let everyone down. I wasn't going to give up though. I just had to work harder. Be stronger. Be faster.
***
***ON CAMERA***
“I didn't come out victorious for the battle royal at summer extreme.”
Aviana sits at a table in front of a large window, a purple juice in a clear cup and lid, sits in front of her. She takes a sip and gives a half smile. She has her dark blonde hair in a ponytail. Someone walks by the window and you can now tell she is at a juice bar of some sort.
“And just like I thought, Crystal and Seleana worked together. It wasn't fair but life rarely is. I am not a mean or vindictive person but I for one am happy to see the end of the Mikah and Crystal back and forth. No one wants to see the same match, multiple times. As a wrestling fan, I would have been disappointed in that outcome but happy Mikah retained.”
She looks toward the window for a second, obvious that her loss was weighing heavily on her heart. She looks back to the camera now.
“But I wanted to be the one to win. I wanted to prove everyone wrong. So now, I have to just keep fighting my way to the top again, no matter how long it takes. I was trained by Mikah. I even incorporated some of her moves in my repertoire, but I am not Mikah and I won't be defined by her. I don't think Mikah would want that either, to her, it is not flattery to be emulated. But she does take a certain amount of pride in those she has dedicated time to training.”
She takes a sip of the drink. She then dabs the corners of her mouth with a napkin.
“I didn't get as much one-on-one as Courtney did, so expecting me to be a top billed person is unrealistic. I don't want to be defined by either of them either. A world full of people who all conform to the same mold would be a very dull place indeed.”
She attempts another smile but it falls flat. She seemed to be harder on herself than anyone else could ever be.
“I know that I am not a traditional wrestler but as you may have noticed I am not a traditional girl either. I do things my way and it does work, I just need to keep getting better. And I will.”
She inhales deeply, holding the breath before releasing it again. She is trying very hard to keep herself from getting emotional.
“So this match... a match billed as being special in some way, is against Parand Ara again. I am not going to be cocky and think that because I won before I will easily do so again. Parand was a tough fight. I need this win though and I am going to know what tools to bring into the ring this time. I am better prepared. I know her moves. She should know mine as well, but to be honest she strikes me as someone that doesn't pay much attention to her opponents that closely. She already judged me to be just as immoral and self righteous as every other bombshell.”
A determined look comes into her eyes. Probably more determined than the audience has ever seen her. As if this big loss has really provided the extra push she needed.
“In the end though, it was her own arrogance that cost her the match and I know it will cost her again this time too. I respect Miss Ara’s beliefs. I understand why she feels that women should be more, submissive and agreeable. But forcing your views on others and telling them their beliefs are wrong, is just as wrong. Accepting differences is the only way to achieve peace on this planet. I hope that if anything, Miss Ara will accept my hand in respect at the end of another well fought match. And I do respect her. Her skills are awesome and she has a natural ring awareness. Those are valuable tools to bring to the table.”
She finally is able to give a genuine smile.
“Good luck, Parand.”
She finishes the drink and stands, walking to the garbage can and turning back to the camera.
“And to answer your previous question... yes, I do have faith, just not in the things you think.”
She nods her head as she adjusts a duffle bag on her shoulder and leaves the establishment.
***
Getting home from the gym, I noticed the blinking light on the answering machine. Yes. We still had a landline. Call it old school thinking. So we also had an old answering machine too. I have no shame in it.
Ana was at a doctor's appointment so obviously she wasn't here to answer the phone. I press the button while I start to unpack my gym bag, I was still feeling damp and needed a shower desperately. I didn't do communal showers. I even changed my clothes in a toilet stall. Don't judge.
“Aviana, this is Jessica. You know, Oceana’s aunt? Yeah well I wanted to tell you personally that I came back as a match. I still want to help by donating my kidney, but I want something in return. I can't just give anonymously. I want to know my niece. So, that's my only request. Give me a call when you get this and we can chat. Okies! Bye!”
Shit.