Under the Bridge
Wisdom of the Troll
The Troll: Yo yo yo! It’s your boy! The Man of the Hour where truth never goes sour! The Troll is back and if you’re tuning in, it’s because you are one of the fair few who wants to know what is REALLY happening in this wild and crazy world of professional wrestling, which is also a world filled with lies. Some big, some small, but in the end, there is no such thing as what they call a ‘little white lie.’ A lie is a lie, period! So when you come to me, you get a reprieve from all of that because ALL I bring to you is the TRUTH!
And the TRUTH is -- your boy has some good news and some bad news. Bad news first, as it should be so we can bring this edition of ‘Under the Bridge’ to a close with some feel good moments. The bad news is -- that Mark Ward was fully prepared to do what was the RIGHT thing to do and award the vacant Internet Championship to yours truly, the only one who deserves it! The biggest name on the Internet - so who ELSE should it be??? BUT -- and this is where the bad news comes in … that bubble brained airhead interim boss Candy stepped in and she went behind Ward’s back and instead of giving me what is my rightful due, she instead put me into the opening round match of the tournament instead! Now I have to go through SEVEN other feebs in order to finally take what is rightfully mine?
HOW IS THAT FAIR!?
But then again, the world isn’t fair. I just want to know when it’s ever going to be unfair in MY favor? Hm??? But see, here’s another piece of perplexing news; they put me up against something called a Malachi. I mean, what even IS a Malachi??? When I first saw the lineup for the show and saw my match, I thought I was up against Senor Vinnie’s distant cousin, twice removed; but that sounds more like Mariachi. Malachi, the same guy who couldn’t hack it in SCW so he ran away with his considerably small tail tucked between his legs so tight he’d make an awesome drag queen for some nightclub in downtown San Fran! The guy who has the weakest fighting spirit but qhat do you know? The bosses lured him back with a promise at MY gold - and HE’S who I have to face?
The Troll shrugs.The Troll: Fine. Have it your way boss - bosses. You’re only going to make yourself look bad - worse than Malarky, er - Malachi. Because you went through ALL the trouble of bringing this halfwit back who couldn’t win a match, let alone a championship, if it wasn’t for his wife Bella! SHE’S more of a man than he is! And for all that trouble? He’s just going to get smeared across that ring and eliminated quick and easy. It really doesn’t exactly put good faith in the booking decisions around here, does it? Then again, word has it that Mark Ward is secluding himself away behind closed doors and just taking a steady stream of naps while the inmate - in this case, Candy - runs the asylum! Never thought I would say this but…
BRING CHRISTIAN BACK!
**BANG! BANG!**Mom: GABRIEL!
The Troll: Oh for the love of…
The Troll pulls his earphones away from his ear for a moment…The Troll: What do you want Ma!?
Mom: Do you want to go to church with me and your Aunt Clara!?
The Troll: No, Ma!
Mom: I just heard you say you wanted to bring Christianity back! I’m so proud…!
The Troll: Not Christianity, Ma! CHRISTIAN!
Mom: That’s what I said! But fine! If you don’t want to spend one hour at church with your poor mother … God knows how long I have left and how much it would mean to see my baby boy all gussied up and singing just like when he was little!
The Troll: Ma…
Mom: Not that I want to pressure you! You might just get a call from Father Neal B. Formee telling you I choked on my communion…
The Troll: AlRIGHT Ma! I’ll go! Just this once!
Mom: Aww! That’s my boy! Now hurry and get ready so we can get the front pew before that nasty Helena Handbasket gets there first! Lady always farts in church and blames the wax on the pew and her dress!
The Troll sighs heavily as he reaches forward and turns the screen off…
And a quick flip and it’s turned back on and he whispers into the camera with a conspiratorial tone.The Troll: This one is for you, my Bodacious Bobbie! I had a GREAT time last night!
He winks and turns the camera off again. [/font]
