Under the Bridge
Wisdom of the Troll
“Well! Well! Well! What do we have here!? A sense of karma? A little taste of justice? You know, hard as it is to be humble, I hate to say I told you so…”
“You heard it here first, loyal viewers! And to the hearing impaired - listeners! The Troll told every single one of those plebeians in the Superstar division that it would only be a matter of time before Mark Ward and Christian Underwood realized my value to Sin City Wrestling! I told every single one of you whiny little babies that Ward and Underwood could not - WOULD NOT - be able to silence the truth! And here we are! Next week! Your boy, that’s me. The Troll! I am going to be not only challenging Alex Jones for the Roulette Championship, but I am going to be walking away with it as well. Bank on it!”
“It’s no offense to Alex Jones and everything that he’s accomplished in this sport, which if you want to be honest, really isn’t all that much. It’s not like he’s, say - Alicia Lukas? All those World Championships and Hall of Fame inductions that he likes to tell everyone that he’s been bestowed with or won inside of the ring?”
He shakes his head ‘no’ with a haughty sense of self righteousness.“All fake. All made up. To pad the so-called resume of the even more so-called ring veteran. If he was really as great as he wants everyone to believe, it wouldn’t have taken him so long to win a title where he didn’t have to rely on a tag team partner to carry him. He would have had the World Heavyweight Championship by now, not the Roulette title which has went downhill in prestige for the last several reigns. That’s where I come into play! Once I win that title, and I will, your boy - the Troll - will bring the Roulette title back to the stature it enjoyed when it was first created.”
“Then of course, there’s the little matter of my good friend Miles ‘Milo’ Kasey. Well, Miles? Didn’t I warn you? Did. I. Not. Warn. You!? I told you that you’d pay for saying something - anything - about my mom, and that’s what you get! Not that you had much of a chance against Mac Bane anyway, but anything that I can do to show you up for being the overrated never-was that we all know you are, I’ll do!”
“And to think that you, and people like Caleb Storms and Bobbie Dahl (and god knows who else) thought you could make me look bad in the eyes of MY Mom by sending her flowers!? MY Mom loves me more than anything! But you lot just keep sending more flowers and more, and you should see the whole upstairs of our house! It looks like a botanical garden threw up everywhere! Well the laugh is on ALL of you! You see, my mom hasn’t been home all week! She’s been out of town visiting her brother. She’s due back later today, which gives me all the time in the world to change the names on the cards of those flowers so…”
Suddenly there is the sound of a door swinging open upstairs, and the Troll realizes that he has waited too long and we hear the Troll’s (apparently) much loved mother shouting from upstairs...MOM: “What the…!? What’s with all these flowers!? Oh Lord… oh Lord Almighty! Who died!?
SOMEONE DIED!! Gabriel!
GABRIEL! Where’s my baby boy…!?
The Troll rolls his eyes and huffs audibly before shouting upstairs to answer his Mother.TROLL: “MA! I’m FINE! I’m downstairs!”
MOM: “Oh thank you JESUS! Wait, if it wasn’t you then who….?? It was your Aunt Agnes who died, wasn't it!? I warned her that one of those STDs was going to get her in the end! Oh my poor, dear sister Agnes! Why her!? I warned her that her promiscuous ways would bite her in the butt!”
TROLL: “Ma! Aunt Agnes wasn’t promiscuous! She just wore short skirts because she was proud of her legs!”
MOM: “I know your aunt had nice legs! I just don't know why she had to wave them about so much!”
TROLL: “Ma! Nobody died!”
MOM: “Oh thank the Lord! Wait, if nobody dies then… Aww, did some lucky girl wrestler catch mama's baby boy's eye? Which lucky girl sent you flowers, huh? You can tell me!”
TROLL: “No, Ma! No girl wrestler sent me flowers!”
MOM: “Well if some ‘girl’ wrestler didn't send you flowers then who.. Oh My
GAWD!”
TROLL: “What…? Mom,
NO!”
MOM: “It was one of them fellas, wasn’t it!? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Momma still loves her baby boy! So who was it, huh?”
TROLL: “Ma…”
MOM: “It had
BETTER not be that David boy! I like that he’s a good Christian boy but he has issues!”
TROLL: “Ma…”
MOM: “Not that Fenris, either! He has anger problems, and his legs are too hairy! You’ll get rug burn!”
TROLL: “... Ma!”
MOM: “Oo! You know who you should go out with? That nice Miles boy. He has good 'stuff' back there!”
TROLL: “Ma…!”
MOM: “More cushion’ for the pushin’...”
TROLL: “Ma! I'm NOT gay!”
MOM: “Exactly! Who needs labels any more? Gay, straight... let's just all be lovers!”
TROLL: “MA! For God's sake!”
MOM: “Gabriel Thomas Wank! Don't you take the lord's name in vain in my home God damn it!”
The Troll starts to saw something but freezes and sighs. He takes off his glasses and drops them on his desktop. He grips the sides of the desk with both hands and begins beating his head onto the surface….BAM! BAM! BAM!MOM: “Oh for the love of…! Gabriel! Call the plumber! There go those damn pipes again!”
Head down on the desk, he blindly reaches for the power button of his computer and presses it…
