The Troll: Yo yo yo! It’s your boy! The Man of the Hour where truth never goes sour! The Troll is back and if you’re tuning in, it’s because you are one of the fair few who wants to know what is REALLY happening in this wild and crazy world of professional wrestling, which is also a world filled with lies. Some big, some small, but in the end, there is no such thing as what they call a ‘little white lie.’ A lie is a lie, period! So when you come to me, you get a reprieve from all of that because ALL I bring to you is the TRUTH!

And the TRUTH is -- your boy has some good news and some bad news. Bad news first, as it should be so we can bring this edition of ‘Under the Bridge’ to a close with some feel good moments. The bad news is -- that Mark Ward was fully prepared to do what was the RIGHT thing to do and award the vacant Internet Championship to yours truly, the only one who deserves it! The biggest name on the Internet - so who ELSE should it be??? BUT -- and this is where the bad news comes in  … that bubble brained airhead interim boss Candy stepped in and she went behind Ward’s back and instead of giving me what is my rightful due, she instead put me into the opening round match of the tournament instead! Now I have to go through SEVEN other feebs in order to finally take what is rightfully mine?

HOW IS THAT FAIR!?

But then again, the world isn’t fair. I just want to know when it’s ever going to be unfair in MY favor? Hm??? But see, here’s another piece of perplexing news; they put me up against something called a Malachi. I mean, what even IS a Malachi??? When I first saw the lineup for the show and saw my match, I thought I was up against Senor Vinnie’s distant cousin, twice removed; but that sounds more like Mariachi. Malachi, the same guy who couldn’t hack it in SCW so he ran away with his considerably small tail tucked between his legs so tight he’d make an awesome drag queen for some nightclub in downtown San Fran! The guy who has the weakest fighting spirit but qhat do you know? The bosses lured him back with a promise at MY gold - and HE’S who I have to face?

The Troll shrugs.

The Troll: Fine. Have it your way boss - bosses. You’re only going to make yourself look bad - worse than Malarky, er - Malachi. Because you went through ALL the trouble of bringing this halfwit back who couldn’t win a match, let alone a championship, if it wasn’t for his wife Bella! SHE’S more of a man than he is! And for all that trouble? He’s just going to get smeared across that ring and eliminated quick and easy. It really doesn’t exactly put good faith in the booking decisions around here, does it? Then again, word has it that Mark Ward is secluding himself away behind closed doors and just taking a steady stream of naps while the inmate - in this case, Candy - runs the asylum! Never thought I would say this but…

BRING CHRISTIAN BACK!

**BANG! BANG!**

Mom: GABRIEL!

The Troll: Oh for the love of…

The Troll pulls his earphones away from his ear for a moment…

The Troll: What do you want Ma!?

Mom: Do you want to go to church with me and your Aunt Clara!?

The Troll: No, Ma!

Mom: I just heard you say you wanted to bring Christianity back! I’m so proud…!

The Troll: Not Christianity, Ma! CHRISTIAN!

Mom: That’s what I said! But fine! If you don’t want to spend one hour at church with your poor mother … God knows how long I have left and how much it would mean to see my baby boy all gussied up and singing just like when he was little!

The Troll: Ma…

Mom: Not that I want to pressure you! You might just get a call from Father Neal B. Formee telling you I choked on my communion…

The Troll: AlRIGHT Ma! I’ll go! Just this once!

Mom: Aww! That’s my boy! Now hurry and get ready so we can get the front pew before that nasty Helena Handbasket gets there first! Lady always farts in church and blames the wax on the pew and her dress!

The Troll sighs heavily as he reaches forward and turns the screen off…

And a quick flip and it’s turned back on and he whispers into the camera with a conspiratorial tone.

The Troll: This one is for you, my Bodacious Bobbie! I had a GREAT time last night!

He winks and turns the camera off again.
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Sun Princess Cruise
*THUD!*
*THUMP!*

The sound of the multitude of crates, luggage and bags in the Troll's arms swung to and fro, slamming into the walls of the narrow corridor of the Sun Princess cruise. It might have just been his imagination, but the Troll could have sworn the deeper he went into the ship to find his luxury suite, the more narrow the halls got!

Is that even possible?

Qh! He looked up and saw a cruise employee walking down the corridor - in the opposite direction.

The Troll: Little help? ExCUSE me!? A little HELP!

Hm, they must not have heard him since they picked up speed and practically ran until they vanished around the corner. His eyes narrowed and he let go of the bags in his right hand...

The Troll: YOU just made the LIST!

*THUMP!*

The Troll: Owww!

The luggage he dropped landed squarely on his foot and he hopped up and down in pain, biting his bottom lip.

The Troll: What else could go wrong!?

He then found himself outside of a cabin door, and the number looked right. He let the remaining luggage sink to the floor and he fished out his ticket and gave it a once over. Yup! Cabin R350. TGhis is the one! Ahhh! A whole week of luxury, lounging about in his own luxurious sui-

The Troll: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT!?

He stared aghast at the so-called "suite" that was smaller than even the smallest hotel room! There was a bed, and a microscopic desk - but that was it! No mini bar! No bathroom and shower! There was barely even enough room to walk around the bed itself! His mouth was as wide as his eyes as he stared in disbelief!

The Troll: No - nonono! Nooo! This can't be right! It just CAN'T!

He must have spent ten minutes looking back and forth between the room number on the door and the one on the ticket. He struggled back upstairs to find a ship employee to find his real room, only to be told be no less than FOUR separate employees that this was indeed his cabin!

The Troll: Unbelievable! This won't stand! We'll just SEE about this!

After spending what seemed like forever getting all of his clothes and online equipment for his show into his room, he now barely had enough room left for himself! He practically slammed his laptop and speakers on the small desk, determined to get online to his peeps and voice his outrage...

The Troll: What else can go wrong!?

...There was a knock on his cabin door.

The Troll: Well it's ABOUT time!

He stomped up to the door and swung it open.

The Troll: I demand a refund and to be moved to the presidential suite - **GASP!**

And the Troll found himself staring right into the smiling face of Miles "Milo" Kasey! The Troll quickly tried to swing the door shut but Miles put up one hand against the door to prevent it, and even with his hefty weight and both hands, Miles EASILY kept the door from shutting.

Miles: Take it easy, big man! I'm not here to throw you overboard.

Miles glanced 'upward' as if in contemplation.

Miles: I think I'm about fourth in line for that.

The Troll: H-h-h-how did you find me!?

Miles: Oh that was easy. I just asked them where the smallest, worst room was and whelp! Here I am!

The Troll sneers but that charming smile never leaves Miles' face.

The Troll: Very funny! This is just a temporary situation, I assure you!

Miles plays along, nodding all serious-like.

The Troll: What do you want!?

Miles: Oh I just stopped by because I have a surprise for you.

The Troll: A surprise? For me? I don't want - no, wait! YOU GOT ME A MATCH!?

Miles: Even better!

The Troll: What could be better than...

From down the hall...

Mom: OH LORD! WHERE'S THE TOILET!? I TOOK A DIURETIC INSTEAD OF MY SEASICK PILL!!!

The Troll's face falls and goes stark pale, which just makes Miles' smile spread even wider.

The Troll: .... No....

Miles: Yup! Say "hi" to Mom for me!

Miles waves idly goodbye and walks off down the hall, whistling casually and leaving a shell shocked Troll standing frozen in his doorway.

“One of the biggest events of the year, Blaze of Glory IX, and your boy, the Troll, did EXACTLY what I said I was going to do! I took that loud mouthed, fascinated by my own ass MISTER Ass, and wiped the mat with that pretty ass of his!”

“Wait, I need to edit that last comment out. Be just a sec-damn! This is live, isn’t it? Okay, starting over. Starting over….!”


“One of the biggest events of the year, Blaze of Glory IX, and your boy, the Troll, did EXACTLY what I said I was going to do! I took that loud mouthed, fascinated by my own ass MISTER Ass, and wiped the mat with his ass! Impressed? I know, I was too. And a little disappointed because I thought for sure with all the hype and as much as everyone seems to love that idiot, there’d have been more behind him - but what he has behind him? Not as impressive as he’d have you believe. All style, no substance.”

“Plus, having been in the ring with him, I can attest to the fact that the junk Miles “Milo” Kasey has in his trunk is nothing but padding.”

There is that familiar thud on the floor of the house, thus the basement ‘roof’ over the Troll’s head.

Troll’s Mom: “GABRIEL THOMAS WANK! I want to talk to you!”

The Troll: “Mom! Not right now! I’m busy!”

Troll’s Mom: “Well EXCUSE ME Mister Big Shot Professional Wrestler! I suppose now that you hit the big time you don’t have any time for your poor mother!”

The Troll: “Mom…!”

Troll’s Mom: “I work and I slave for my baby boy and he doesn’t have time to pry himself away from his little playmates on the computer that I PAID FOR to talk to his own mother! I might as well go sit in the corner BY MYSELF and smoke wet cigarette butts!”

The Troll: “Mom, you told me you quit...!”

Troll’s Mom: “Then when the paramedics find me wedged in the tub and no longer on this earth, you won’t have to worry about spending FIVE MINUTES talking to your loving mother!”

The Troll looks forlornly at the camera on his laptop and sighs in exasperation before he reaches forward…


“Okay, I’m back to business! And speaking of business, how about the REAL Troll of SCW - namely Bobbie Dahl, mind her own? I find it absolutely riveting that this chick is still hanging around SCW, with absolutely no responsibilities and nothing to do except walk out at the end of SOMEONE ELSE’S MATCH and steal their spotlight. Oh sure, she put on the pretense of ‘saving’ Bella Madison and Courtney Pierce from that so-called amazon chick, Tempest, but we all know what that was really about. ‘Boobie’ Dahl just loves to be in the spotlight without having to work for it. That’s pretty much been the calling card of her career, ever since she first started wrestling. (If you can call what she does ‘wrestling.’)”

“She shows up. Wrestles for a few weeks/months and then vanishes from the ring. Then she spends her time mouthing off on social media and doing spot checks on Climax Control. She returns, then it’s all a matter of wash, rinse, repeat. NOBODY CARES BOOBIE! You’re just one of those people who thinks they know everything and has the right to spew random and so-called facts every chance they get.”

“I HATE people like that!”

“You know what else I hate? People who claim to be something that they’re not, just because it’s cool or the in thing. I’m talking about all the lesbians in this sport. I mean, SERIOUSLY! Oh sure, there are gay men in the sport too (and as long as they don’t flirt with me, then I’m cool with it!), but there are more gay women than there are straight women, straight men, and gay men COMBINED! Or at least, there are more women CLAIMING to be gay when they are actually straight.”

“I have it on good authority, and my sources are never wrong, that two of the most popular lesbian couples in SCW, namely Team Hero and Christina Rose and Seleana Zdunich, are actually totally and completely straight. I can’t speak for Roxi and Keira, but I hear the reason Christina does it is because it’s about the only way she can join the ‘cool kids’ table. More on this NEXT TIME…!”

“But we’ve been talking about business, and the real business this week is the next Superstar on the Troll’s List, and that’s Mac Bane. Mac… Bane.”

Snickers and shakes head.

“Mac, let’s just be honest about what you are…”

Thud on the ceiling…

Troll’s Mom: “GABRIEL! I’M MAKING HAMBURGERS FOR DINNER! IS THAT ALRIGHT!?”

The Troll: “On the George Foreman Grill!?”

Troll’s Mom: “No Angel Tuckus! The Grill’s in the shop!”

The Troll: (mumbling) “Grill’s been in the shop since February… (out loud) That sounds GREAT Mom! Thanks!”

Troll’s Mom: “Anything for Mommy’s Little Man!”

“Now, where was I? Oh yes, the TRUTH about Mac Bane and who and what he is. True, he lucked out and became the Roulette Champion, but anyone who wins that title is just a bottom feeder champion because seriously? Who cares? It’s the bottom rung of the championship ladder. It’s not the World, or the Internet. Hell! It’s not even the Mixed Tag! And it isn’t like Mac actually accomplished anything as the champion. The LOSER left SCW a week after winning the title! Who DOES that!?”

“I’ll tell you who - Mac ‘I’m Too Scared To Be A Defending Champion’ Bane, that’s who! Everyone knows, and I am going to confirm here and now, that Mac left SCW because he knew - he KNEW - that he’d be a one hit wonder and lose the title on his first defense, so he up and left. That way, in his feeble mind at least, he’d stay champion FOREVER. Sad, huh?”

“Almost as sad as being runner up in the Blast From the Past. Sure, he got to the finals, but that was just because of the OLD CHICK that was his partner. Myra Rivers carried him through the entire tournament and I think - no, I KNOW - that if you have to reply on an old woman to carry you through life, then that just makes you all the more pathetic.”

“You’re not a man, Mac. That little pipsqueak Despayre ran circles around you when you two were in the ring against each other! You talked about being big and bad but a nut half your size had you beat. We all saw it. EVERYONE out there knows it! Had you not ran like a coward and tagged out, Despayre would have beaten you. You never would have made it to the finals. And now, what? They put you against me? Poor you, that’s all I have to say. You would have been better off had Christian followed through and booked you against that hairbag Fenris. (Whose hair is fake, btw. It’s a WIG, people!) With him, he would have been an easy fight for you. He would have gone easy on you.”

Me? Not so much.”

“Yes! I told you! I told ALL of you! But did any of you believe me? No. You all thought the Troll would make his professional wrestling debut and fail miserably, and instead what did I do? Success! V for Victory! The unbeaten streak of Tony Thorn is done! Over! Finished! Now the Troll begins his own epic journey and an unbeaten streak that will make J2H’s string of victories look more like what Krystal Wolfe is going through right about now.”

“Talk smack about ME, will you Krissy!? The Troll knows your type, and he’s going to silence you! But this isn’t about you. Nothing is, really. This is about me with my big, debut win!”

“Of course, if you watched Climax Control on the internet broadcast rather than live and in person at the Gold Coast Casino, you probably saw a different result. You probably saw something that looked more like Tony Thorn emerge in what resembled a win on his own part. Well here’s a little secret about Sin City Wrestling that you might not be aware of. And of course, Mark Ward and Christian underwood don’t want you to know the truth but BAM!!! The Troll doesn’t care about what ‘the man’ wants! All the Troll cares about is the TRUTH! And he’s going to make sure each and every single one of you that tries to resist the TRUTH finds it forced down your throat until you acknowledge it, whether you like it or not! And that TRUTH is…!”

Suddenly there is a heavy pounding on the basement ceiling and a shrill call from above the Troll’s domicile…

“A rat! A RAT!!! GABRIEL!! Oh my GAWD! Call the exterminator! Call the Orkin Man! Oh my heart! A rat! A… oh for god’s sake! Never mind! It’s just that damn dog of yours!!”

The Troll runs both hands down his face before he exhales sharply and continues with his web broadcast….

“As I was saying… the TRUTH is that Mark Ward and Christian Underwood use special effects and snippets of old matches and sometimes even stand-ins in video footage, and why? In case a match goes the way they don’t want, they film a quick edit in a studio and piece that together and THAT is the footage you see every week! That is why you saw Tony Thorn beat (snorts) yours truly! I mean, seriously! Do you really think that the so-called ‘White Wolf’ Fenris was really undefeated for almost ten months? I have it on good authority that he was defeated several times during that imaginary streak, but the (air quotes) bosses fixed things on-screen so he actually would actually look like a winner! Why even bother? When he came back from his little staycation in Iceland, he’s been about as exciting as women’s pro golf!”{

“Little bit of information? He and Austin James Mercer are actually really close pals. I’ve personally seen them out drinking after the shows. The whole feud over Mercer hurting Aron?”

He shakes his head with eyes closed in disdain.

“All a put on in a sad attempt to make Fenris appear somewhat appealing to the SCW Universe. But if you want to see REAL appeal, just look at yours truly! One match in, and the higher ups know a good thing when they see it! Because I - the Troll - have been booked for a match at Blaze of Glory IX! One of their biggest events of the year! And if I got a spot (unlike losers like Johanna Krieger, Tempest and London Underground), that just goes to show big things are coming for the Troll! Maybe even a championship match is in my future? All I have to do is go up against that pasty-white prima donna Superstar, Miles ‘Milo’ Kasey.”

“Milo Kasey. The man who is always running off at the mouth about how he can’t get physically cut like Fenris. And do you want to know WHY Miles can’t get the abs of steel like Fenris? Tune in NEXT WEEK and I’ll tell you! THEN Miles says that he has the same man beat when it comes to a ‘sexy ass.’ Seriously? Of all the things to aspire to - THAT’S what you’re proud of, Miles? That your ass is nicer than Fenris’s?”


“That ass, right? Okay, if you say so. If that’s what you worry most about when you should be worrying about ME, Miles! Worrying about me exposing you - pun not intended! Worrying about the Troll beating and humiliating you in front of the world! And THAT - is the…”

More pounding from upstairs and that shrill voice again…!

“OH MY GAWD! GABRIEL! CALL THE POLICE! THERE’S A STRANGE MAN AT THE DOOR WANTING IN AND HE WON’T GO AWAY! HE WANTS THE FAMILY JEWELS! HE WANTS MY BODY! HE WANTS…”

The Troll throws off his headset and shouts upstairs…

“OH FOR GOD’S SAKE MA! ANSWER THE DOOR! IT’S THE DOORDASH GUY!”
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