Session One-The trouble with opening up
This was hard.
Much harder than Alicia thought it was going to be. She needed help, she understood that. And as she woke up this morning, watched the clock and readied herself it was what she kept in her mind, replaying over and over. Telling herself that today was the day. Today was the day Alicia Lukas started healing. That she would face her past, face her fears and all the things in the world that would make her anxious. But the seconds ticked down, and as her appointment approached the nerves rose up. And Alicia knew she was going to be silent.
Here she was, sitting in the good doctors office. Dr Whitlow sat in her brown leather chair, her glasses sitting down at the end of her nose as she looked over at Alicia.
She felt judged.
That isn’t how it was supposed to be. This was supposed to be a safe space. A room where Alicia could talk about anything and unburden herself. She shuffled on the coach, her hands clasped together as she looked up at the ceiling. The fan slowly turned, just enough to help circulate air around and keep Alicia cool But it was also unnerving in the silence. Dr Whitlow gave Alicia time and space. But the clocking of the fan, it started to play on Alicia’s mind. She could hear it louder and louder. Her eyes watering before Dr Whitlow broke the silence.
”You could always start at the beginning Violet.” Her name, it sounded so foreign, so wrong. There was a reason she had left it behind all those years ago. A reason she stopped using her fathers name.
But not even that was the beginning
She let out a long sigh, pushing all the air out of her lungs before taking a sharp inhale in and looking sideways to the Doctor. She shook her head and swallowed hard. ”I don’t even know where I should begin Doc. My life has always been fucked up.” She trailed off, her hands stayed clasped together on her lap but they turned and she gripped her own fingers, her knuckles cracking as she squeezed.
Whitlow took up her pen and jotted down a few notes on her notepad before leaning forward with a small smile. ”What was the earliest memory you had of feeling...small.”
”Small?” Alicia repeated it, she wasn’t entirely sure what Dr Whitlow meant.
The Doctor gave a small nod, her voice staying smooth and understanding. ”Yeah, small. Like you didn’t matter, a time when you thought everyone around you only cared for themselves.”
Alicia’s eyebrows raised, she swallowed hard and as she let out her breath is seemed to quiver and waiver passed her lips. ”The first time? I remember being young, I think I was four. Maybe three. My dad gave me a kiss on the head and left….” She trailed off, the memory flashing through. Even at that young age she felt it, her father was leaving and this time he wouldn’t be coming back.She remembered how big he was, all seven feet of him. She remembered her two year old brother playing next to her, and her newborn sister in her swing. Alicia swallowed again and this timer she was swallowing her anger.
”Felt what Violet?”
”Wrong…”
It was the first word that she could think of. The first real emotion and feeling that she could muster from her heart. A moment where she felt like her needs, wants and feelings meant nothing. At just four years old. ”Children can be intuitive. There may have been something in the way he walked, or something he said that just resonated with you. Made you feel that he was never coming back” She bit her bottom lip and shook her head. She couldn’t hold the anger and pain back, her face turned red as she bit down harder on her lip.
She could taste it. The familiar metallic taste. She bit her lip so hard the inside split open. Alicia had a taste of her own blood. A feeling she first felt when Ronnie hit her for the first time. All the memories flooded back again, it was an overload. Alicia sat up, her body shook as Dr Whitlow sat forward.
”Lean into it Violet. Let it go….”
The anger built, her hands balled into fists as she growled tilting her head to the side before letting out a deep breath and shaking her head. ”I can’t…”
She released it, burying the anger and frustration deep down with all the pain that she just felt. She laid back into the couch and calmed herself down. She didn’t want to do it. She didn’t want to feel, to blame anyone or herself. She just wanted to go home. She just wanted to sleep and forget. Dr Whitlow sighed heavily and took her glasses from the end of her nose before pinching the bridge and clearing her throat. ”I can only help you if you’re willing to face your past Violet..” She sounded disappointed. Kind of like Alicia’s mother used to. That crushed Alicia even more. ”We’re out of time...think about what I said...I suppose I’ll see you next week…”
Alicia wanted to protect, she wanted to promise she would try harder, do better, be better. But as she opened her mouth nothing came out. Instead she stood up, pushing to her feet and taking her bag, giving a small nod to the Doctor and moving out of her office closing the door behind her. She just wanted to go home
A few hours later..
”How did it go?”
His voice was calm and soft. Michael meant well. Her cared about her, Alicia knew it, she felt it. She always felt loved with him. But, she couldn’t be completely honest.
”It was fine”
She didn’t even know why she bothered. Not being honest was never going to fly with Michael. He knew her to well. That was how their relationship was. He just got her, the positive of that was Alicia felt loved and safe. Secure and happy when they were together and in their relationship. The negative was...he called her out on her bullshit. ”So what really happened?” He said it in such a matter of fact manner. It was a dry delivery, his arms folding over his chest.
Goddamnit
She let out a sigh and a small nod mouthing “ok” under her breath before looking up at him. ”She told me to start at the beginning, the first time I...look it didn’t go well.” She trailed off again, Michael though reached out grabbing her hand. Alicia swallowed and cleared her throat. ”I got angry, and upset. She told me to let it go and...I couldn’t...I kept it inside.” She shook her head, she knew it was a mistake, she knew that she couldn’t do that if she wanted to get help. If she wanted to feel better.
Michael just listened and waited for a moment before leaning forward, his hand drifting from her hand to her lower back guiding her into a hug. ”You knew this was going to be hard. But you wanted to do it.” She pushed her face into his shirt and closed her eyes taking in his warmth, his scent. She calmed down and felt like home. ”There’s still progress. You made a decision that a few years ago you wouldn’t have. You should be proud of yourself just for that….it takes a strong person to admit they need help. So be that strong person.”
She smiled, he was right. A few years ago she would have laughed at the idea of therapy. Made a joke of it outwardly while screaming and terrified inside. But now, well now she had made that step. A big step. So what was a few more?...
”I will…”
Alicia Lukas Vs The World
”2019.”
She laughed and stepped forward. Her face covered by a black bandana tied around the bottom half of her face like a mask. Her blonde hair flowing down over it as her bright blue eyes stared straight ahead.
”It seems like a lifetime ago doesn’t it?. 2019 was a year where this business was all about me. Not just the Bombshells division, not just this company and not just women's wrestling. The entire goddamn business was revolving around me. And hey, that might be cocky to say, arrogant and maybe even a real bitch thing to bring up. But, it’s also the truth. See I had spent the few years leading up to that on fire too. Honor Wrestling's first incarnation brought me back from Japan and gave me a job and a way for me to get my kids back. I became a champion there before moving on to WWH…”
“That same company Maki tried to dominate, that same company that Mercedes Vargas failed in time and time again. I walked in, I dominated, I became the biggest star that company had. I went back to Honor, I grabbed both titles that company had to offer, the only woman who could and would have that accolade.”
“But, all of that built up to a crescendo where SCW became my greatest work”
“I broke records, I won awards. In fact I damn near swept those awards. Match of the year, feud of the year, woman of the year and overall wrestler of the year with a title reign that still hasn’t been beaten. Man, 2019 was the year for me right? Couldn’t get any better than that huh? Only, it will…”
Her eyes narrow, she reaches up pulling the bandana down to show her ruby red lips and a smirk, oozing with arrogance as she moves from side to side.
”I went down that little memory lane trip for a few reasons, one of them was to remind each and everybody what I’m capable of since all of y’all seem to forget. And the other reason is because it’s rather apt. See, I can always try and pick myself back up, but to pick yourself up, first you need to fall. And I had mine. But this week, some of the best, well “best”, bombshells this company has to offer are going to get in the ring and fight for a chance to face a champion. And the champion in question isn’t Amber Ryan, no, it’s not Royal purple. It’s Myra Rivers…”
“It’d the internet championship.”
“Now, I’m coming off one of my best matches in recent memory getting in the ring and facing Maki, in a match that stole the show, and now I have an opportunity to earn a shot at a championship. And I’m just waiting with my ear to the ground for everyone in Sin city to complain. Because that is what happens in this company. I earn a shot, I win a title, I hold a title and I make it worth something, I lose said title and work my way back up. It’s a goddamn cycle and in between each rotation ninty percent of the women in this company whine and fucking cry like children.”
“Now, you take the blast from the past out of it and the last few matches I’ve had, what’s happened? I beat Mercedes Vargas and the aforementioned Maki.”
“Those are two names that are held in high regard in not just this company but the professional wrestling world. Even though Vargas pisses me off, she’s still a former champion, even though I expected more from Maki she is still a hell of a competitor and even though I won and walked away I still tried to uplift them. I made the comment on twitter that we should be lifting each other up instead of tearing each other down but the truth is that since I walked through the goddamn doors of this company I have been the best and I have been hated for it.”
She scoffs and shakes her head again pacing back and forth.
”And anytime that I have been beaten, any time I have fallen I have been met with relief by others, laughter and joy at my downfall. But that brings me to Myra and the internet title. See, Myra has been an incredible internet champion, holding that championship proudly and facing the best of the best for it. She has made it worth something to the point where six of us are about to get in the ring and fight for a chance to face her. Five of which are former Bombshells champions. And the one odd one out who hasn’t been is a former Internet champion herself. And if you get tossed out on your ass you’re done.”
Alicia whistles and makes a “tossing” motion with her hands before shaking her head.
”But, the place to begin, the logical place, seems to be with the former SCW Internet champion Lucy Seraphina. Especially since she is someone who may not know me. Truth be told, I don’t know much about Lucy. I know she held that title over five years ago, I know she has been absent from SCW and had a few successes elsewhere. And I also know she has a serious personality disorder in not knowing who she wants to be.”
“But, I also feel bad for you Lucy, you are getting in the ring with five women who have climbed higher and been better than you could ever hope to be. And five women who have been in the fires of competition in Sin city wrestling while you’ve been off doing who-the-fuck-cares.”
“So, let me introduce myself to you, cause while you might know Keira, Sam and Roxi, well, you may not know me. You should, but I also know that some people in the wrestling world have their finger far from the pulse and have it squarely shoved right up their ass…”
“So, Lucy, my name is Alicia Lukas and I’m the bitch who has beaten everyone else in the match and has actually held the Bombshells title….three times...and for the longest single reign. All caught up random Goth girl number 14?. Cool...moving on…”
She shakes her head and sighs.
”Roxi Johnson a former two time internet champion herself and Keira Fisher-Johnson. Two of the best professional wrestlers this company has ever seen while also being the type of people that makes my fucking skin crawl. Every wednesday we watch Roxi cuck Keira publically. Every single week we where someone talk about how Keira is forever in Roxi’s shadow despite the fact Keira beat me for the Bombshells title one on one. Something that Roxi failed to do. Now, while I have no doubt Roxi will bring everything she has into the match as well as Keira I have to wonder if their dysfunctional bullshit will rear it’s ugly head again.”
“The same dysfunctional bullshit that led Keira to take a huge steaming dumb on the goddamn Bombshells title.”
“Yeah I said it...and I’ll fuckin say it again..”
“Keira, you beat me. One on one. You got in the ring and you realised your dream and you took the SCW bombshells title from me. I applauded you. I respected you and I sung your fucking praises to the rooftops and as a show of respect I stepped back from taking any rematch against you. Only to watch in disappointment and depression as you walked down to that ring and lost the title to Christina fucking Zdunich of all people. You had a chance to defend that title and go on a long run and instead...you tripped and fell..”
“I guess being a shitty champion is sexually transmitted…”
Alicia spits venom and paces back and forth obviously sick and tired of all the perceived slights.
”And I realise how that sounded Seleana I’m sorry. Cause truth is honey I do like you. You know I do. I hate your wife with the kind of passion usually reserved for wars but you are alright. You are someone who I can respect and admire for your heart and integrity. And now here you are getting ready to fight for another shot at a championship. And, if you do get the shot, go on to win it. You would have held all three titles.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised if you did Sel…”
“Now, Sam Marlowe has that Sam opportunity to. A former bombshells and roulette champion Sam you’re one of the most decorated women in this company and the one title that seems to have eluded you is that internet strap. Here you are ready to go Sam, and I just, I’m sorry but I can’t bring mhyself to care about you anymore. I mean Lucy is weird, and new and someone I have never faced before. Roxi is someone who as far as in ring ability goes I respect but I personally don’t like..at all..”
“Keira pissed me off...and I respect Seleana…”
“But you Sam? You simply, exist. You haven’t been a factor in this company in so long. You haven’t been bombshells champion in five years, roulette champion in two and you were a runner up in the 2017 Blast from the past. You haven’t been relevant in almost the entire time I have been here Sam….and that..well it makes me sad. Here you are, so close to winning all three of these titles and having a shot at Myra...only to be in a position to fail…”
“Because you all have to get passed me to do it…..and that title, is the one championship Wolfslair has never held...so just when you think I didn’t need any more motivation, from the opportunity to win it at all, to beat Myra Rivers and prove I still have it...well there’s that….and now, you all have to try and stop me.”
