[Alice Knight]

 We open up outside a Brisbane  bar called The Aussie Hole. Written on chalk on a board placed in the window is tonight's performing acts. In bold letters it says HALL AND OATES TRIBUTE BAND. SCW Bombshell Alice Knight's One Woman Show 'The Knight Owl Cometh' and the comedy of Puke-Face Jones. We cut inside where we see SCW Bombshell Alice Knight looking over her scripts as the announcer walk ups to her.

Bar Owner- Okay Alison...

Alice- Um... Alice. Alice Knight.

Bar Owner- Right. You're on after Puke-Face's routine...

Alice- Damn... he's gonna be hard to follow.

Alice peeks through the curtain watching some of Puke Face Jones' act.

Puke Face- Whhhhy is the Smarties candy made full of chocolate....? Because it would be freakin' illegal to use HUMAN shit!!

He makes a loud dry heaving noise. Some can be heard coughing within the silent bar crowd. Alice brings her attention back to the bar owner who is distracted by his smart phone as Alice speaks to him.

Alice- I'm super nervous right now.  Not only am I debuting my premiere one woman show infront of a live crowd. Instead of the stuffed animals and sleeping hobo bums I usually perform it in front of. But I also have my debut SCW Climax Control against two other terrific bombshells. Cadence Carter and Amy-Jayne. And get this, in a ROULETTE match. Talk about nerves... Like what the hell? My first match could be anything from wrestling in mud, to ladders tables and cages to even a bra and panty match... to hell... who can swallow the most hotdogs contest like match!! I don't know. Anything can happen, ya know? I bought some sexy undies just in case. I also plan to eat nothing that morning... just in case I have to stuff a couple of dogs into the mouth hole.

Alice nudges him with a smirk.

Alice- But between you and me. I hope it is a hotdog eating contest. Carter and Jayne wouldn't know what to expect coming from me, a former second place winner at the Annual Albuquerque Dog-Off. I lost to that damn 3 time World Hot Dog eating Champion Inaguchi Kobayashi ... he always beats me. But still, Cadence and Amy don't have the dog eating skills that I grew up with. Sometimes I even get three wieners at once in my mouth. Did you know, that the three wiener method known as triple-dogging was first done in 1956 by Richard Langley from Ottawa, Ontario? The more you know. But the real secret to dogging? I am gifted with an overly lubricated throat. Don't tell my opponents though. I actually sent them an invite to this show tonight. I thought, even though yes we ALL want this number one contender shot at the Bombshell Roulette championship... but if the three of us hung out. Had a few drinks. Told a few scary ghost stories. We'd like totally not go into this match with a grudge to kill each other. Ya know? Hey...

Alice taps the bar owner on the shoulder. He looks at her startled.

Bar Owner- Jeez lady, what? Were you talking to me this entire time? God. You're on in a few minutes. God damnit. Stupid women..

Alice pouts as she goes back to her script.
Cuts to on the stage with PUKE FACE JONES'.

Puke Face- ... they put KFC Chicken in a bucket because then after you're done eating it... you have a place to puke, piss and shit into...

The Bar Owner rushes the stage and shakes Puke Face's hand as the small crowd boos him.

Bar Owner- Okay... ladies and gentlemen, big thanks to Puke Face. He'll be here again tomorrow night! And yes, The Hall and Oates Tribute Band is still to come. But up next, this young lady is a professional wrestler in the Sin City Wrestling company. Who will be doing a show this weekend. But she is here to perform her one woman show 'KNIGHT OWL COMETH', ladies and gentlemen ... Alice Knight.

The small audience in the bar leisurely applaud as Alice rushes out behind the curtain excitedly. She curtsies to the announcer and looks at the smokey view of the crowd.

Alice(big smile)- Hey everyone. I am Alice Knight. Multiple wrestling champion and the newest member of Sin City Wrestling. We're actually currently on a 'Down Under' tour. Pretty neat, huh? This play, this one woman show of mine ... well it is a little AMAZING history about me: Alice Knight. Does anyone know if Cadence Carter and Amy Jayne are here??? Cadence ... Amy? IF YOU'RE HERE JUST WAVE AND SHOUT MY NAME!!!! HELLO??!?!

Drunk Man- Hurry it up, lady!

Alice Knight- Oh okay... well... I give you... THE KNIGHT OWL COMETH!!

The lights dim as Alice leans in to the microphone.

Alice- The year is 1899. I am Alexandra Knight, ready to make my fortune in America. You see, I invented the world's first hand shoes for people who walk on their hands, and one day my future granddaughter will be rich and famous with a big ass mansion with 2 bathrooms and a dishwasher. And she will have sexual intercourse with all the super hot male models and even academy award winning actor Casey Affleck and every other sexy stud celebrity I am currently too early to bang, 'cause movie stars don't exist yet... because it's the year 1899... remember?

Intoxicated Man in Audience- Hey sweetness... lift up your dress...

Sounds of laughter can be heard from his table.

Alice(distracted)- Uh...Now, uh... Now it's, uh...the year 2013! Here I am, training to become a wrestling superstar as I live in my car. Boy, it sure is tough doing all of this wrestling training and trying not to get caught by the police for the act prostitution sex with all these ugly John's...  who help pay for my wrestling training. Even tougher, these insane gas prices? I mean, the cash we put out for gas money is a drag, am I right, ladies and gents?

A chuckle and a loud cough can be heard from the back. Alice also lets out a giggle.

Alice- I know... I know...

Alice slips on a fake mustache.

Alice(talking a poor Mexican accent)- O'la-lay. Moi name is Pedro, and even though I say i love my current girlfriend Alice Knight in 2013... I'm about to cheat on her with Samantha, the not so attractive neighbor across the hall. Tha's a spicey de meatball...

The people in the bar erupt with boos.

Alice- Please. Please. Hold all your boos until the end of the show. I need to focus...

The booing dies down as a door bell sound effect can be heard.

Alice(back in her accent) Why who could that be, mang? I hope it is a young and sensual yet ugly neighbor wanting me to fix her cable again like in those pornographic films I like to watch all the time, because I am the asshole Pedro who said he loved Alice Knight... but lied and sleeps around on her as she trains. And... ah hem...

Alice opens the staged cardboard door.

Alice- Oh, my heavens! I am being abducted by aliens from outer space, just as I was starting to realize that I love my Alice Knight after all! Now I will spend the next many many years thinking why I did not love my sweet Alice Knight more! Which I mostly did not, because I am a stupid ass-head.

(WE GO THROUGH A MONTAGE OF SCENES FROM ALICE'S PLAY.)

ALice(wearing a potato sack)- No, Daddy! Please don't make me wear the potato sack to my high school prom! Angela and the others will laugh at me. And no way Derek Davis will kiss me... (Switching to her father character) Shut up, Alice! Your mom left us, and I always wanted a son. Now start the peeling potatoes out of your prom dress.

-



Alice- Oh my goodness, this Darren Aron-off-sky-dude's movie is having a profound impact on my soul and mind because it is the best movie I have ever seen. My life is changed forever.

-

Alice - I now pronounce you husband and wife. Alice, you may kiss... the waffle maker??? (Alice looks at the crowd with a silly look) WHAAAA!?!?!?

-

ALice- (wearing a card board box on her head) You programmed me to be the perfect robot husband, but I am leaving you for Windows XP, because you also programmed me to be a ass-head piece of crap slut bot. Alice be alone... again.

-

Alice(singing)-  I!!!!! Am!!! just a conjoined twin baby kitten, and both of me are director Michael Maaaaaann!!!!!  Trapped inside the body of a lonely wrestling wo-maaaaaan!!!!!

-

Alice- ... THIS YEAR IS 2017 After all my hard work, I have finally become a former Wrestling World Champion and respected among the fans and wrestlers. Now everyone in the business will respect me. Oh hi... Sin City Wrestling...  and HELLO TO YOU Cadence Carter and Amy-Jayne... (Switching to one of the SCW bombshells doing a bad impression while flexing) Congratulations, Alice. Just so you know, I being Cadence Carter don't respect you because you live in vehicles and sometimes your breath reeks of corn beef. (she spits) Yes, I agree also, being Amy Jayne.... you should kill yourself! Suck it, Alice! (Alice begins crying.)


TITLE CARD- 4 HOURS LATER


Alice- Oh thank you, Ghost of David Bowie and Audrey Hepburn! You have shown me the true meaning of life. And yes, Audrey. I agree. I do look prettier than you. I may not have taken over my grandmother's hand shoe business, but one day I will bang an Affleck, even if its big Ben, whom I do not find attractive. One day soon, Ben Affleck. I'm coming for you. (Turning to the audience) The end.

THE AUDIENCE BOOS.

Alice- WAIT! WAIT!!!... Are those the boos I told you to hold earlier, or did you all hate the show? I should not have said that before. About the booing... (crowd booing continues)... OH! WHAT'S THE USE!!!

Alice rushes off the stage.

We cut to the parking lot of the bar. We see Alice sitting in a small black limo. She is talking inside with the driver, a young woman looking bored listening to Alice rambling on.

Alice- I mean I invited Cadence and Amy to my show. And they no showed. You think they'd do the right thing and be friendly to the new SCW recruit. Me. I mean, yes, I know they want to win the Bombshell Roulette title too. I mean, i do. Unless... unless... they lost the invite in the mail... nah, stupid. It was email. Unless... the lost their phones, computers and tablets... no... that's not it. (Alice thinks) Maybe we should take off our undergarments?  (The limo driver shakes her head 'no')... yeah... stupid idea... stupid... I mean I rented this limo using Christian Underwood's credit card.  I mean i don't know much about Mr. Ward or Mr. Underwood. But for them to set a girl up with a credit card is pretty rad of them. Plus their smokin' hot too. Which is like a bonus. I like when my boss looks like a movie star, you know?

LimoDriver- My boss looks like Danny DeVito in Batman Returns...

Alice(nodding)- We WERE talking about my problems... what am I paying you for...

Limo Driver- I thought your boss, Mr. Underwood was paying for everything?

Alice- Just be quiet. Look, me, him, whatever, WE rented this limo for myself, Cadence and Amy-Jayne. I thought it be one of those fun girl trip movies. Drinking, smoking, dancing with a little twist of murder. Which one of us would die??? Whatever... I guess we'll never find out. But I'd bet on me. (Alice laughs) Do you think I'm acting naive thinking I could befriend these two upon wrestling them in what could be ANY random match? I should really rethink my preparation going into this match at Climax Control with them. I mean seriously whatever your name is. This is a dog eat dog world. And have you ever eaten delicious dog meat? Once you get a taste for it... there's no going back. And i have that hunger. As the cliche line says, 'only the strong survive.' Well... I intend to do just that. Survive. Me, survive, me. Cadence and Amy are going down! Down under!

Alice looks at her phone.

Alice- Oh!!!!!!!!! Oops! Yeah... well turns out I forgot to push the send button for their invite... this makes more sense. I mean who wouldn't want to see a one woman show performed by me!?! Cadence and Amy! You're alright in my book! I still have to win the match and what not but you're forgiven...

A man with a mustache walks up to the limo frightening Alice. The driver, still bored.

Alice- HEY! WATCH IT BUDDY!?!?!? WOAH! This is awesome. This is incredible! It's Halland Oates!!

John Oates Impersonator- Um, right. Would it be a problem for me to use one of your lovely ladies' phone?

Alice- (looks at the limo driver) I think we're getting hit on by Mr. Halland Oates! You wanna tag team this guy?

Alice reaches around her back to undo her bra.

John Oates Impersonator- No. Just need to use your phone... and you know we're a duo, right?

Alice- Sure. Sure. Sure... i'm sure you have a whole band. A drummer, fiddler, tambourine player and all that jazz. You know, if you follow wrestling. And who doesn't in the year 2017... i'm a wrestler myself. Working for Sin City Wrestling. Kind of have this big match for a number one contender shot at the Bombshell Roulette title. I'm alot like you, without the front man that is you, Halland Oates, they'd all be lost. Same with me and wrestling. Without Alice Knight out there hitting the ropes, landing on the mat and beating up bombshells like Carter and Jayne... um... you know what I mean?

John Oates Impersonator-(confused) I am ONE half of Hall and Oates... the tribute band... and nevermind... Um... phone?

Alice (handing him a beer)- Here, have a beer...

John Oates Impersonator- Um... it's already open and half full... and I can't. I'm driving to the hotel.

Alice- No! No! I insist... and half full... i like your positive look on life. Kind of like this match with Cadence and Amy Jayne. I'm one of three halves in the match. And it's three half full... right?

John Oates Impersonator(handing back the half beer)- Look girls. I just came out for a quick smoke break... and i've already wasted enough time... I'm just gonna use the payphone in the bar.



Alice-(points her fingers at him) Right on... check-E-later! And check out Climax Control this week. It's going to be one hell of a show!! Because then you will see Alice Knight win the roulette SCW hot dog eating contest... and then watch Alice Knight throw up an hour later a contest worthy of hotdog buns and wieners...

John Oates Impersonator- Right... good luck...

Alice checks her phone as the limo driver looks on.

Alice-God, i'm glad I didn't have to give him my phone. Data is almost up and I don't need some weird musatchio guy using it all up. And... well... (she looks at the driver)... let's go. Get behind the wheel. If i'm not going to party around Australia... let's least go find a Kangaroo to throws eggs at or something. Oh Cadence and Amy... you ladies are missing out!

The limo driver steps out of the car and walks to the driver seat. They speed off to RICH GIRL by Hall AND Oates playing from within the bar. The scene fades.