[Andrew]

 THE INTERNET CHAMPIONSHIP IS MINE

Narrator:  Things don’t always go along with the plans made ahead. James Tuscini didn’t win the Six Man Over-The-Top Elimination Battle Royal, at Climax Control 186, for the vacated World Heavyweight Championship. Although he didn’t win James was the fourth wrestler eliminated which means he came up one short of being one of the last two in the match. As it turned out Dmitri and Calvin Harris were the last two and it was Calvin Harris who won the match. But that’s not the end of the story. At Violent Conduct IV Dmitri will face Calvin Harris with the World Heavyweight Championship on the line and who knows what might happen in that match. But enough about Climax Control 186 and Dmitri and Calvin Harris. At Climax Control 187 James Tuscini has been assigned to a Four Wrestler Last Man Standing match with the winner being crowned the Sin City Wrestling Internet Champion taking possession of the vacated Internet Title Belt.
   
We join James Tuscini and his Uncle-Manager Pinky del Ferrando at the Lake Tahoe Outdoor Arena in Stateline, Nevada. There is a broadcast booth set up and James and Pinky are broadcasting their segment from this location. Both James and Pinky are casually dressed in blue jeans, black athletic shoes, and pullover shirts, with Pinky wearing a blue shirt and James wearing a green one. We also notice that the broadcast booth is out in the open, without a canopy over it, to take advantage of the sunny day.

James:  Although I didn’t win the World Heavyweight Championship I lasted longer than boneheads like Eyesnsane, Samuel McPherson, and Steve Ramone. I’m in no way disappointed at my performance in the World Championship match at Climax Control 186. Management placed me in that match because they know I’m World Championship material. After that match was over they decided to take the four wrestlers who were eliminated in that match and place them into a Last Man Standing match at Climax Control 187 with the winner being crowned the Internet Champion since the Title Belt was vacated recently. You will notice the others in the match are Eyesnsane, Steve Ramone, and Ryan Keys. I’m sure you’re wondering why Samuel McPherson isn’t involved in this match since he was one of the four wrestlers who were supposed to be placed in the Internet Championship match. Well his excuse is that “something came up” so he wasn’t able to make this match so Ryan Keys was placed in the match to take his spot. You want to know something? If I was the second wrestler eliminated in the Main Event at Climax Control 186 I probably would be as depressed as McPherson and not want to show my face at Climax Control 187 either. Let me make a public promise here and now. When I win the Internet Championship this Sunday evening I promise that when Samuel McPherson returns from his “vacation” that I will grant him a shot at MY Internet Championship Title Belt. But enough talk about losers like Samuel McPherson. I need to focus on telling Keys, Ramone, and Eyesnsane why they shouldn’t even be in this match and why I’ll be the last man standing and I’ll earn the Internet Title Belt.

Pinky:  Recently we saw Calvin Harris win the World Heavyweight Title Belt. Harris has made the claim that he is the “World Champion nobody wants but SCW needs.” Our take on that comment is James Tuscini is the Internet Champion everyone wants and SCW needs.” That my promise on James winning the Internet Championship to the bank because my promise is good, valid, and cashable, at any bank in the world with maybe the exception of Venezuela.

We see a bird fly over the broadcast booth. The bird flits around above them and then flies off.

Pinky:  It sucks not having a canopy over the broadcast booth. Birds have a tendency to drop cargo while flying. To begin our segment comments today we would like to comment on a trend happening in Sin City Wrestling. We are talking about wrestlers in Sin City Wrestling and it seems to have become a nasty habit.

James:  There’s something happening in Sin City Wrestling that pisses me off to no end. I want to address it so it will stop. People continuously claim that I, James Tuscini, am working a fake Mafia persona and that I’m a wannabe Mafia thug. The air reeks of their foul-smelling lies so it’s time for me to clear the air so that it smells like freshly washed bed sheets. I’ve been in Sin City Wrestling since February 16, 2016. When August 16, 2017, rolls around that will be my 18th month anniversary here. Never once in those 18 months have I ever claimed to be a member of the Mafia. Never once have I claimed that I wanted to be a member of the Mafia. Never once have I been approached by anyone claiming to be from the Mafia who was offering me a position with them. NEVER! What part of NEVER are you idiots not understanding? Where the *bleep* do you *bleep*ing morons come up with this crap? The only person who has claimed they were associated with the Mafia is my Uncle Pinky del Ferrando and at first it was a joke to pull a trick on me. I’ve been ridiculing and teasing Pinky for a long time with his false Mafia claims. I even told him if these people offering him a position really were from the Mafia that he should be careful because he doesn’t know what he’s getting into.  Then recently Pinky really was accepted into the Italian Mafia. So for all you idiots who have claimed, or you are thinking of claiming, that I’m pretending to be a Mafia thug, back the *bleep* off or I’ll come after you and beat you into silence. I’m sick of your *bleep*ing lies!

The bird that flew over the broadcast booth has returned and it makes a few circles and swoops down toward Pinky and James. We make the assumption that maybe the bird has a nest nearby and is trying to indicate where the bird’s territorial boundaries are.

Pinky:  Damn bird is at it again. The things we have to put up with eh James? Idiots in Sin City Wrestling lying about you and a bird dive bombing us while we’re airing a segment. I remind everyone that I really am a member of the Italian Mafia but I’m still in the early stages where they send me on small assignments to see if I can manage them by completing them successfully. Once I’ve proven myself then I can move up. If you continue to lie about us you’ll have to answer to me. I’m one of these people that if you disrespect me you are going to get your ass kicked. However if you disrespect my family members I’ll not only kick your ass I’ll beat you down so hard you’ll wish you were dead!

James:  What would you think if you were to spend a day in a classroom to watch how the students do on examinations and how the teacher does? Say your assignment was to sit and observe for one day. Say the teacher hands out a spelling test with 20 words the students are to spell correctly or 20 math questions the students need to process correctly. Let’s say that you have the normal genius students who get all 20 questions correct. But then let’s say you have the lazy boneheads, you know the type I’m talking about, those like my three opponents at Climax Control 187, who couldn’t spell the word “I” if you held a gun to their head and couldn’t properly do the math equation of one plus one equals two. They spell only two of the 20 words correctly or they only process two of the 20 math questions correctly. Do you think it would be right for the teacher to give an “A” to the students who got 20 out of 20 of the test questions correct? Of course you would say that is right. But would you also feel it would be right for the teacher to give an “A” to the lazy boneheads who only managed to get two of the 20 test questions correct? No! You would stand up and bitch the teacher out. You would want to know why they gave students, who only got 10 percent of the spelling questions correct, an “A” grade when they should have received a “D” at best. With that on your mind you need to stop telling us that stupid, ignorant, no-talent, hack wrestlers should be getting Championship matches when they are not qualified to scrape gum off the sidewalk.

Pinky:  What we have in Sin City Wrestling are wrestlers who are so stupid they have a difficult time putting four words together to form a basic sentence. Others can put a four word sentence together but you have no clue what the *bleep* they are talking about. You have wrestlers who have somewhat good wrestling abilities and they give only 20 percent of what they have in their matches while the others, like James, give 100 percent in every match. If you saw those lazy, stupid, incompetent wrestlers getting title shot after title shot, while those who bust their ass and give 100 percent every match were snubbed, wouldn’t you complain and demand that people earn what they get? Of course you would.
But what do we have for the Internet Championship match this Sunday? We have James Tuscini who gives 100 percent every match. We have Ryan Keys who gives from 60 to 80 percent depending on how he feels that match. We have Steve Ramone who has performed less than 50 percent lately that in all his matches against me and Keys he has more losses than wins. Then we have Eyesnsane who represents the stupid, lazy, boneheads in Sin City Wrestling who rarely give 20 percent in a match but they expect to obtain shots at Title Belts and to receive an “A” grade on a failed examination test. Grades earned? James Tuscini = A, Ryan Keys = B, Steve Ramone = C, Eyesnsane = F. Thank you. School is out for today and you have just been schooled.

James:  I echo what Pinky said previously concerning disrespecting family. If you disrespect me and I’ll kick your ass and shut you up. But if you disrespect Pinky, who is my family, my blood family, my Sicilian Italian blood family, then you step over the line of no return and I’ll not only whup your ass to shut you up but I’ll hurt you severely. You don/t mess with my family and get off without injury.

Pinky:  I think we’ve spent enough of our air time explaining to the Roster why they suck and we don’t. Let’s focus on what we’re about, what we’re capable of achieving, and what we’ll achieve in the near future.

James:  Wait just a bit okay. I want present one more example. How about this one? When we have the Olympics should we do away with awarding a Gold, Silver, and Bronze medal to the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place finishers to the exclusion of all the others who fell short? Should we stop giving medals to the top three performers or should we just give a medal to everyone who participates in the Games? Well, gee, why even have Olympic Games then? Why not just allow everyone to stay home and mail them a medal even though they are not deserving and didn’t physically participate in the Olympics? No, people, the concept is simple. In the sport of Wrestling you earn your way up the ladder of success. You earn your chance to challenge for a Title Belt. You earn a win by defeating your opponents. There are no freebies in the sport of Wrestling. Either you earn what you get or retire from the sport.

Pinky:   No handouts to lazy ass wrestlers! Shit don’t work like that here! If you want a shot at James Tuscini you better earn your way to a wrestling match against him. If James is holding a Title Belt you damn sure better have worked your way up and earned your shot at his Title Belt. This isn’t a Soup Kitchen where you get a free meal. You are gonna earn your way up the ladder of success. If you’re looking for a freebie and you hold your hand out to receive it you better be ready for James and me to slap your hand out of the way and then slap you across your face.

James and Pinky stop their comments to high five each other. Just as they do that the same bird returns and dive bombs them again. Pinky stands up and takes a swipe at the bird and the bird takes a last dive at Pinky trying to hit him in the head. The bird misses the hit and flies off. James and Pinky return to their comments concerning the Internet Championship match at Climax Control 187.

WHAT OTHERS REALLY THINK OF EYESNSANE, STEVE RAMONE, AND RYAN KEYS

James:  Now is the part of our segment where we talk directly to, and about, Eyesnsane, Steve Ramone, and Ryan Keys. I know the three stooges, no offense to the original Three Stooges, don’t want to hear what we have to say but they’re gonna hear it anyway.

Pinky:  We’re starting with you Eyesnsane. Why will we start with you? Well don’t you normally start at the bottom and work your way to the top? I went on a trip with James to the Reno Zoo and we were at the Chimpanzee exhibit. I like watching Chimps because they are close to being as capable as humans but in reality they are below us in mental ability and comprehension. Eyesnsane you haven’t had a win against James Tuscini yet. You are not obtaining a win against James Tuscini at Climax Control 187 either. So there we are interacting with the Chimpanzees and I happened to ask one of the Chimps what he thought of the wrestler Eyesnsane. I’ll ask James to hold up the photo he took of the Chimpanzee’s reaction.

James Tuscini holds up a photo of Eyesnsane and the photo he took of the Chimpanzee’s response to the mention of Eyesnsane’s name and the cameraman gets a shot of it and it appears on our screen.



James:  I apologize for the quality of this photo. The dim lighting in the Elderly Living Facility was such that my cell phone camera wasn’t able to take a great photo and it came out pretty much bland in color. However the concept of what happened when this old woman heard the name of Ryan Keys is the important feature. I asked her why she flipped off Ryan Keys and she told me that she feels Ryan Keys wrestles like an old woman and that since he hasn’t gotten a win over me in four matches why in the hell is he even assigned to this match. When I explained to her that he is a replacement due to Samuel McPherson being unable to perform for this match, she replied that Ryan Keys is nothing more than a sacrifice to the god James Tuscini. I thanked this Grandma for her kind words and thinking of me as a god but I made sure she understood that I’m simply an outstanding wrestler but I’ll continue to work on obtaining god status.

Pinky:  That was the last visit we made on our trips. We’re ready to kick three asses on Sunday night and watch James Tuscini be crowned as the Internet Champion.

James and Pinky lay the photos of Eyesnsane, Steve Ramone, and Ryan Keys, on the table. Immediately the same bird who flew around James and Pinky earlier returns. This time the bird swoops down toward the table and then flips up above the table and lets out a large amount of bird poop. The poop covers the photos of Ramone, Keys, and Eyesnsane. The bird is done and it does a loop in the air, flitters for a moment, and then the bird lets out a cheerful chirp before flying off. James and Pinky throw the photos into the trash can and they cannot help but laugh at the story this image tells.

Pinky:  Har har har! That bird just said the same thing we’ve been saying. That Eyesnsane, Ramone, and Keys, are nothing more than targets for James to hit.

James:  Ha ha ha! Amazing how nature has a way of knowing the full extent of things while humans, especially my three opponents, don’t know the difference between night and day.

”JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK IN THE WATER” – Tagline from Jaws 2

Pinky:  Like the tagline of the 1978 movie Jaws 2, Eyesnsane, Ramone, and Keys, have realized that “just when you thought it was safe to go back into the wrestling ring” they get assigned to wrestle against James Tuscini again.  You know what James? I’m wondering how people like Kris, Jake Sullivan, and Samuel McPherson feel seeing you in this Internet Championship match and they know you are going to win. What are your thoughts?

James: Rage, who now goes by the name Jake Sullivan, is the only one you mentioned who can properly comment on my upcoming reign as Internet Champion. He held the Internet Championship twice. That’s not an easy accomplishment and he knows how demanding it is to be a defending Champion. I’m sure Jake is stewing right now because he sees me in the match, against three weak opponents, and he is probably complaining that if he was in the match I wouldn’t stand a chance. Is that what you’re thinking Jake? Who defeated you by pinfall? ME! So don’t even go there. If you can earn your way back into contention then after I serve up Samuel McPherson’s ass on a silver platter by defeating him and retaining the Internet Championship I’ll gladly give you a shot at my Title Belt. If you want to think that my pinfall win against you was a mistake and a fluke then try me. When I defeat you again by pinfall or submission you will become a believer.

b>Pinky:  Samuel McPherson?

James:  Not sure what came up that caused Samuel McPherson to not be able to show for this Internet Championship match. Deep down inside I feel after being eliminated early in the Six Man Battle Royal for the World Championship he felt deflated and humiliated and he didn’t want to be back public this soon. Whenever Samuel is ready for a shot at my Internet Championship I give Management my authority to assign him to a match. I want McPherson one-on-one so I can prove to him, as I proved to Rage, that I’m not a wrestler you take lightly.

Pinky:  I’m sure Kris is going insane as he knows you are about to become Internet Champion after he disrespected you and told you how worthless you were to be in the Roulette Division. What do you think is going on here?

James:  Nothing more than extreme jealousy and as I’ve always said jealousy is an evil taskmaster. What Kris needs to do is focus on defending the Roulette Championship. If Kris continues to put his focus on me and my Internet Championship reign he takes his focus off his challengers for the Roulette Championship. If he does that he will lose the Roulette Title Belt and fail to pass me up as the 3rd longest-reigning Roulette Champion. To be honest I don’t want to see that happen to Kris. I respect his work in the ring and it would be an honor to congratulate him on taking over my 3rd longest-reigning Roulette Champion spot.

Pinky:  Let me throw you a curve ball James. I want to know what you think Dmitri is thinking since he came up short in the World Heavyweight Championship match and now he sees you with an overwhelming advantage in the Internet Championship match with a 99.9 percent chance of winning the Internet Title Belt.

James:  I hate to address Dmitri on this subject but since you asked me, on live television, I’ll grant you a response. I feel Dmitri is disappointed he lost the World Heavyweight Championship match to Calvin Harris. I feel Dmitri is also happy to know that at Violent Conduct IV he will face Calvin Harris for the World Heavyweight Title Belt. However I also feel Dmitri might be jealous of my accomplishments as there have been several times where I obtained a Title Belt and he didn’t. This Sunday night is going to be one of those times. I’ll earn the Internet Championship and Dmitri will be waiting for Violent Conduct IV for his chance to dethrone Calvin Harris. Jealousy like that can eat up a person and I don’t want to see that happen to Dmitri.

CLOSING COMMENTS

Pinky: We come to the point in today’s presentation where closing comments are in place. I wish to make my closing comments and then I’ll turn the time over to James to dish out his closing comments to Eyesnsane, Steve Ramone, and Ryan Keys. You all make fun of me and call me a fake and wannabe Mafia thug. Guess what? I am a member of the Italian Mafia and they have placed me in a trial status. They’ve sent me on numerous minor errands and I’ve completed all of them properly. There is only one errand left and if I complete it successfully they will transfer me from trial status to full-time member of the Italian Mafia. That errand, mission, contract, hit, whatever you want to call it is that I either complete a hit the Italian Mafia sends me on or I take on and defeat people who physically attack me. I don’t want to do an assignment hit the Italian Mafia sends me on because that means I’m doing something they want me to do and it may not be something I want to do. However if people attack me then I have the right to defend myself. While defending myself against those attacks if I happen to bust some heads, break some arms, and break some legs, then I’ll have completed the assignment and I’ll be moved to full-time Italian Mafia member. So for those associated with Steve Ramone and Eyesnsane if your friends, stable mates, thugs, whatever you call them, try to interfere in the match to screw James out of his win, or if you attack me or James, I’ll go into full defense mode and *bleep* you up. Yes I’ll bust heads, break arms, and break legs, but it will be in self-defense and it will graduate me from part-time Italian Mafia to full-time Italian Mafia member. So if your friends do attack me or James and I defend myself and the Italian Mafia puts me in permanent status then once all your injuries heal I’ll gladly take you out for dinner to thank you for providing my final assignment for graduation to full-time Italian Mafia member. The time is yours now James.

James:  Eyesnsane you are a joke of a wrestler. I realize you recently changed your affiliation with other wrestlers and you think this new association will help your career. Did it help your career in the Six Man Battle Royal for the World Heavyweight Championship at Climax Control 186? Nope! You were the first wrestler eliminated from that match. But do you realize your new associates, once they find out you suck, will kick you out of their organization? Sorry to have to run down the truth to you but you need to retire so you’ll stop humiliating yourself by continuing to wrestle. Go into retirement. Maybe go into color commentary for wrestling matches. Please do us all a favor and do any line of work except wrestling!

Pinky:  Nicely stated. Next victim.

James:  Next victim is Steve Ramone. Ah, Steve, you never seem to disappoint me when it comes to making me laugh. Seriously you should retire from wrestling and go into stand-up comedy because the things you spew forth from your mouth will make the audience laugh so hard they will pass out from exhaustion! You make bold claims that you are better than me and yet you have lost to me more than you have defeated me. Not sure how you figure that losing more matches to me than you’ve won equates into you being better than me. You know I like your wrestling career and I admire your work but recently your performance has been failing and I’m losing my respect for you. Steve if you want to boldly walk into this match claiming that you have defeated me more times than I’ve defeated you then by all means do so. Just because you spew forth lies doesn’t make them true. The fact is, and always will be, that I’ve defeated you more than you’ve defeated me. That scenario will play out again this Sunday when I defeat you again.

Pinky:  Last victim James.

James:  My last victim is Ryan Keys. Poor, weak, deluded, 0-4 record against me, Ryan Keys. You already know you’re not going to win this match Ryan. You already know I’ll win the match and be the next Sin City Wrestling Internet Champion. However where you differ from Steve Ramone and Eyesnsane is that you actually have fairly good wrestling abilities. You also don’t brag and boast how well you’ve done against me because you’re honest like me and you acknowledge that I’m better than you. Of the three wrestlers in the match I feel you will give me the best performance. That doesn’t mean you are going to win. It simply means that you should perform better than Eyesnsane and Steve Ramone. I hope you can rebound from this loss I’m gonna give you this Sunday. I hope going 0-5 against me will not destroy your wrestling career but will be the motivation lesson you need to improve. You have possibilities in the sport of wrestling just not the possibility of defeating me. Don’t let jealousy tear your apart. Be a real man and when you lose again to me please acknowledge that loss, acknowledge my superiority over you, and acknowledge that you have to step up your game.

Pinky:  Well said James!

James:  My final comment for today is a parody of a nursery rhyme. Everyone knows the nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty. Here is my parody of Humpty Dumpty as it refers to my match on Sunday against Eyesnsane, Ryan Keys, and Steve Ramone. The three stooges sat on a wall...the three stooges had a great fall...all the King’s horses and all the King’s men...couldn’t put the three stooges back together again.

Pinky:  Thanks for joining us today. Please make sure you tune in for Climax Control 187 where James will make history by obtaining the Internet Championship. Starting this Sunday you are going to see James begin his quest to become the longest reigning Internet Champion. You need to deal with it because it is fact.

Pinky del Ferrando thanks the cameraman for his time to air their segment. He informs the cameraman they are done with their comments and he can cut his camera feed. The cameraman calls into the Network and they cut the camera feet and launch into a commercial break.