[Ben Jordan]

 The Devil On My Shoulder.

Tuesday Morning - Bar Harbor, Maine.

I really just wanted that little voice in my head to stop, I thought it would stop by now but it hasn't, it didn't. I thought getting Kedron out of the way would mean the end of the darkness in me but that hasn't been the case. It's still there, it's still calling out to me and I don't know why. Is it because the woman known as Rinoa has appeared beside her witch - Rinoa, sounds like something you have for breakfast because they call it healthy on the box, but it can't be a coincidence that one minute, I feet fine and the next I feel consumed by nothing good.

I need to run, literally as I pulled my trainers on while looking at the lake outside my house in Maine, looking around knowing once around the lake is a long run but might just clear my mind just enough to become one person again instead of the split dividing who I was inside these days. Earphones in ear, and water strapped to my hip, off I went, starting that journey around the lake and hopefully to a clear head, but that wasn't to be. I wasn't even a fifth around the glistening water before it felt like the music had stopped and all I could hear was that little voice inside my head.

"Hello Ben."

I tried to ignore it, tell myself it was nothing, but it wouldn't stop.

"So, running is on the agenda today to try and drown me out, is it?"

I told myself I couldn't hear it but there was  nothing else I could hear, no sounds of birds singing, no sound of the water lashing against the shore, just this one voice.

"You know it would be easier to stop playing around and accept this is who you are now. Well actually, who you've always been Ben. I mean this is not just a recent thing, I've always been sitting there with you, always been in the background lurking because well, honestly, you've never been as light as you've come to make out. I don't know why you're fighting it now when you've been pushed towards this for so long, I'm surprised you never became who you are long before now."

I tried not to focus on that voice, just tried to keep listening to my feet on the floor, pushing away loose dirt and moving at a pace that suited me.

"When you look back, people have been putting you at this point for years and you was powerless to stop any of this anyway. You've strategically surrounded yourself with people who have pushed out your true nature of darkness and learning about who your family was, was like topping up the tank of blackness to show who you are. I think on some level, you've always known and that's why you allowed people to treat you like this, why you allowed yourself to be in the company of people somewhere in your heart you knew wasn't good for you, just so you could come to the point you're at today."

I wasn't overly sure what that voice meant, I really didn't but something felt oddly familiar about it all.

"Your entire life Ben, you've tried to keep me from rearing my head, trying to stop yourself from fully becoming me, denying yourself of who you always should have been. You did that by playing Saint Ben, by putting on this act by trying to please others but look at who you tried to please to keep this true form from coming to the surface. Let's start with your best friend from all those years ago. Let's start with Mickey."

Mickey Carroll? What does Mickey have to do with anything.

"You remember when Mickey took a bullet for you and did time at her Majesty's pleasure just to keep you from getting knifed in the showers or becoming a prison bitch? He did that for you Ben, he did that because he knew he could handle it and you couldn't but he did it because the man was well and truly in love with you but never could tell you. It took him for him to allow people to brutally attack you before he was honest. Imagine that Ben, a man you saw as a best friend, could never be honest with you until later on in life. A man who met you by saving you from getting your head kicked in, just couldn't be honest with you and when you found out, the confusion with you wasn't love or your sexuality, it was you pissed off deep inside that you knew you would ride to hell with that man, and yet he couldn't be honest with you and you resented that Ben, you hated that fact."

I wanted to deny the voice's accusations but it did get to me at the time, I couldn't lie about that. Mickey was my brother and of course it stung. It stung that I didn't even know he liked men until that weird thing where he married two of them at once. Mickey should have been honest with me from the get go.

"Ahhhh, you feel it now, don't you? You remember that feeling you tried to bury just to keep me down, but that was just the first. You remember that Christmas, right? The one where you had that ring for a New Zealand redhead?"

I tried to continue to focus on the ground below me, not listening to the voice ripping my past apart to prove a point.

"Ah, the lovely Emma Rose who disappeared without a trace. Sure, she was there as a childhood sweetheart but don't you find it weird she just appeared in the same wrestling company that you were in? She saw you on TV, she worked her way in, cause she was a little gold digger. She found out all about your wealth and there she was and just like the first time, she fucked off without a trace and I bet she hasn't thought about you since. You was gonna ask her to marry you, but she controlled you in every possible way. You lived in a fucking underground house for Lucifer's sake. Who does that? You hated it but you did it for her. While she was jumping on your reputation for preferential treatment, you was letting it happen just to keep the darkness from rising. Yes dear, no dear, do what YOU want dear just so that you could feel that you was being a good person when really, you needed a four letter word beginning with C on your forehead and doormat tattooed on your back. When she left and didn't give a damn about you, you felt that darkness in you even more but you just decided to kill it with booze and you turned to the next one to step up in to that role as friend, Drake Green."

It stung when Emma left, it killed me, maybe it did change me a little knowing she was out there somewhere not thinking of me, doing whatever she wanted and not thinking about the years of my life wasted, but Drake was there for me when she went.

"Drake was not there for you at all, don't think otherwise Ben. Simon Jones was there for you more over a pint and a football match. At least he had a valid excuse to lose contact with you but Drake Green was too busy with his head up his own arse and trying to bang his co stars than worry about you. Sure, he watched you get drunk and he threw down a few words, but did he care? No, you were nowhere near important to him because you were just a normal guy and he had fake titted little blondes to lie to, to get their knickers around their ankles. Having you around never benefited Drake Green. When was the last time he spoke to you? Called you? Made any attempt to get in touch? Hell, the only reason his wife was bothered to tweet you was because she wanted a friend for their unborn child. Seriously, fuck the implications it has on your life, as long as baby Green has a little play mate. Yes you defend them because you're not seeing that they too have added darkness to your life, and you try to be nice to keep some light."

I tried to be nice because they were, are my friends, you'd do anything for your friends.

"Would they do anything for you?"

What I wouldn't have given at that point for the music to kick in against and the voice inside my head to stop.

"I was with you all through that just waiting for you to snap, to be who you was truly meant to be. I sat there when Salco stole your idea like a thief in the night and turned on you, trying to claim things as her own, even though the world watched you say what you said. I thought that was gonna break you and we could go on and be truly who you're meant to be, but no, you went all sunshine and joy to stop yourself from falling from heaven to hell."

Jessie is limited, she needed something.... Did I just really think that?

"Your co-workers actually don't even give a damn about you Ben. You announced a while ago that you got the all clear, that your health problems that forced you in to so many treatments, that made you sick, that made you tired, that NEARLY TOOK YOUR LIFE! You got the all clear from that and how many people said thank god, or congratulations or well done.... Two people Ben, the two people who see you as an asset and not a person, Mark Ward and Christian Underwood, but where was there others? Where was those people who you get drunk or feed at these legendary parties of yours? The same people that fly in on your plane, at your cost to throw free booze down there neck? Your Halloween party was jam packed last year, but where were all those people who bit down amazing food, and swallowed enough alcohol that would empty a small country? Even Salco turned up to get sloshed but none of them could say congratulations Ben on not dying? They were nowhere, but you just thought hey, people showed up instead of seeing that they showed up because they were freeloading."

That was one hell of a night though, seeing people show up in fancy dress and enjoying themselves, but it was getting to me a bit to hear these things, to have to listen to this voice.

"And you're considering throwing another party for these freeloaders who won't even thank you. Yet you don't care cause at least while it looks like they're having fun, you can try and keep me at bay for a little longer."

I am a good person, kept rattling through my head, I don't surround myself with bad people.

"You do surround yourself with bad people, even right now Ben. You thought I was all gone when you went to the ring the other week and started thanking people for being there for you till Fruit Loops and Cornflakes turned up. You thanked Sam Marlowe and deep down even you know she's not all sweetness and light. You guys used to hang out all the time, inseparable even though she knew the situation you'd been hiding from everyone, backstage all the time together, the lot. Since you publicly thanked her, how many times you heard from her? Not many Ben, because it's all gone back to the norm. She probably avoids you backstage now. Still believe you're surrounding yourself with good to keep away the bad when one of the apparent nicest people in the world has a short memory of you looking for her when she went missing? Not as nice are you think."

I tried to keep the pace going but I could feel myself slowly down, I could feel my leg muscles starting to tighten.

"And don't get me started on that heterophobe Jamie Dean."

That did it for me, I had to stop in my tracks at that point.

"Oh, that one hit you, didn't it? Yes, I said heterophobe Ben. You think Jamie Dean is a great person, but really, he's scared of the straight. You think he's looking out for people but realistically, he's just taking us back to thirties segregation. Back then, white people and black people were kept apart, black people had to fight for the right to be equal. Fast forward in to more modern times where gay people had to fight for equality and they got it and then along came Jamie Dean who sits there at the shelter YOU fund and tells straight people it doesn't matter if your homeless but if you don't like waking up to someone of the same sex, you can go and sleep on a park bench because you have to be gay to have a roof over your head. What gives him the right to play God and decide who can feel safe for the night? Fight for gay rights, then piss on the straight as what? Punishment. You pay a lot of this Ben. You give him the tools to allow him to discriminate against people over sexuality, the same things he thought against, and you still think he's a good guy and you're not dark. Reality is you pay for Jamie Dean to rip down the boundaries of equality. Yet you're surrounding yourself with these so called good people to stop me setting in, right?"

That's not how it works, he is helping people.

"He is helping people of the same sexuality as him and forget the rest. If it was the other way around, with a sign that said no gays allowed, he'd be the first to get a banner and protest it, but no straights allowed is ok? Surrounding yourself with people like that is making it so much more easier to show you who you're meant to be. Even your wife is helping me here."

I couldn't help but sigh, deep down, I knew she had to be mentioned, I only surrounded myself with a few people and this voice in my head trying to turn me had already shown me sides I didn't see or want to see in two of the three around me.

"Your Twitter interaction with your own wife seems to have gone to hell lately, something you two were hot on. You've probably got more mentions from others than your own wife. Happy posting pictures of her trips to Paris and whatever but mentioning you ain't a thing anymore. Sad thing is, it's like that at home too, isn't it doormat? How many awkward silences has there been since you started becoming who you should be? Gives that dog more attention than you, and yet she runs to you when she wants something. Kids, sheep.... fucking sheep, what ex spy wants to herd sheep for Lucifer's sake? What the hell Ben? She's looking out for number one here and you try and agree to most things, why? To try and keep some happiness in your life? What's the damn point when the attention you get is so low, makes you wonder who's DM's she's sliding in to, or who she's having those late night conversations with, hell, who she could be on the phone with right now while you're out having a little jog around the lake. You think she is good for you? She's as good as Sam Marlowe and Jamie Dean, the other two you keep in your life. Even letting her have some damn sheep shitting all over the place won't get the darkness, won't get me out of you Ben, because your once beautiful million dollar land will be covered in sheep shit. The property value will go down, but doesn't matter as long as you make Evie happy, cause that would keep me at bay a little longer right? You can focus on the good."

I do focus on the good, or I tried to.

"That's not how it works, because in good, comes bad. Sam Marlowe has better things to do, and you try and be happy for her, but deep down, you liked the older times. Jamie Dean is helping some, but you know in your heart, he's neglecting others, and your wife, well, who knows with that anymore, she'd probably sell you for some sheep if she could, but if you gave them to her, you'd hate the fact of it destroying the reason you moved to this beautiful place. See, with all the good that happens, or could happen, there will always be darkness to it. Everything has led you to darkness. Your past with Mickey Carroll, Emma Rose, Drake Green. Your present with your co-workers, Sam Marlowe, Jamie Dean and Evie Jordan have all added darkness to your life and I have been riding shotgun through out the years to get to this point right now."

My breath started to inhale and exhale faster as I closed my eyes, my hands on my head.

"For some reason, you said yes to me before to step in, but I couldn't get a full grip on you."

Why couldn't it? Was it that this was all lies? An attempt to mess with my head? Could this be that this is not actually real, like it's red mist of everything that happened lately? Could it be my bloodline stopping something truly evil from ever taking over completely?

"But you can change that now Ben. You can stop keeping me hovering around you now I've told you the clearer picture. You can now see what all these people are and that there is gonna be no one in the future that will change that. They all used and use you for their own purposes, but you can change that right now. You can stop trying to find the light, you can stop looking for the good and accept things for what they are and be who you're meant to be. Look at your house down there."

My house was across the lake, directly in front of my as I lifted my head.

"Do you really wanna go back there? To a place where people can find you to use you for their own means? You could run miles from it, you can get what you really wanted, you can get me inside your head permanently, all you need to do is stop looking for that fucking light Ben, stop looking at the good in people and see people for the self serving bastards that they truly are. You give, they take, you think you're a good person just to keep me out. That needs to stop Ben, you need to accept it for what it is. Block out the light because the light don't do anything for you. You can make them all see how much they need you by just not being around them, you can show them they need you more than you need them. All you need is me, all you need is me there showing you the right way, the way these people have made you. They edge the black in to you for a long, long time, I've seen it build up with every passing day, it's time for you to accept it, and me Ben."

I had to shake my head but couldn't help but wonder if life would be much more simple without putting in the effort, without trying to make people happy to keep more light in my life. What if cutting off the world was the best way for me to live? What if the world was out to use me for what it could get? What if it was right about Sam, Jamie and Evie? What if it was right about the people I work with or the people in my past. What if I say to hell with it all, go find someone else to use?

"I know you're coming round to me Ben, we just need to cut the deadweight and be who we always should have been. We should have always been this way, think of all the hassle it would have saved. The countless charity events you couldn't say no to, could have sat around watching football, eating pizza and not giving a toss. You can still do that, all you need to do is say yes."

I won't lie, this conflicted me a lot, could life be easier not being asked to do many things, being asked about having sheep, or to pay money for a leaky roof at the shelter? All I had to say was that one word and that was all I could utter out...

"No..."



The Angel In My Corner.

Wednesday afternoon

The bleeping sounds of Skype can be heard as Ben Jordan sits in front of a laptop, waiting patiently for the call to be answered. Ben picks up a bottle of water and takes a gulp as he waits for someone to answer. The screen lights up with the face of a young boy, about seventeen years old looking at the camera.

"Hello mate." Ben says with a cheery look to the smiling young man. "Cheers for putting a laptop in front of Nan, she wouldn't know head nor arse on how to use it."

"I heard that you cheeky bugger." Ben's grandmothers voice can be heard saying.

Ben can't help but smile as the young boy laughs.

"No problem." The young boy answers back. "When are you coming back home?"

"Soon mate." Ben tells him. "Lot of changes about to happen and hopefully they'll bring me closer to home."

"Wicked." The boy says. "Will put you on with Nan now."

A lot of people in times of trouble run to their parents, I run to my grandmother. There's a special bond between me and my Nan, one that doesn't have to be explained. In times of trouble and turbulence, she was the person I went to. Of course I went to my wife, but when you got something inside you trying to tell you that everyone around you is evil and trying to bring you down, no amount of talk could ever make me believe something like that of my own grandmother. She was a rock, even thousands of miles away.

The young man turns the laptop around to show the smiling face of Ben's grandmother. She waves at the camera.

"Hiya!" She says in a cheery voice.

"Hey Nan." Ben replies with a smile of his own. "Looks bright over there."

"Looks bright, but been pissing down all day." She tells him. "Are you alright?"

"I don't know Nan." Ben admits. "Been a weird few months."

His grandmothers smile fades as she looks at him.

"What's wrong?" She asks. "And where's Evie?"

"Evie's by the lake with the dog, probably watching him play with his turtle friends." Ben replies. "I don't know what's wrong but I'm not feeling myself lately."

"You're not ill again, are you?" She asks with a concerned tone.

"I don't think so." Ben replies with a shrug. "I just think lately, I've been changing and not for the better. Feel like everything I decide to do, I end up backing out, or changing my mind. It's like I can't stick to something and it's driving me mad. It seems like every little thing I do seems to either backfire or go wrong. I'm starting to screw up everything."

"Booze?" His Nan asks in a questioning tone.

"It doesn't help." Ben says with a wink.

"No, I mean are you back on it, that's causing you to be like this?" She asks.

"Being pissed up doesn't help any situation. I screw things up a lot more when I've had a few and it's starting to cost me big time." Ben tells her. "But that's my escape, my escape from the doubt in my head, from feeling low with little places to turn. It's the only thing that seems to numb my mind. Maybe I'm just going crazy or something."

His grandmother shakes her head.

"Stop talking so bloody stupid." She tells him firmly. "You're not going crazy, you're just having a tough time of it. Bigger problems in the world Ben, you thinking you're going potty is all in your mind. You're every bit as well adjusted as the next man."

"You've never met my mate Despayre have ya? Cause if he's the next man..." Ben says trailing off.

"You're probably just tired." His Nan reassures him. "You've been working hard, you've given it your all for work, you're forever doing charity stuff and putting others first, you've had your body battered by drugs to get rid of the illness, you've almost collapsed on television. When was the last time you actually put yourself first and said to hell with others?"

"Probably some time in the nineties." Ben says with a laugh. "It's just not me."

"It needs to be you." His grandmother tells him with a firm wag of her finger. "You need to go on holiday, do something fun with Evie."

"Evie and I have very different ideas on what a holiday should be." Ben tells her. "She's a go on holiday kinda girl that packs things out with all exciting stuff. I prefer to do nothing. Sit and watch my arse grow kinda bloke."

"Well you need to do something before it puts you in an early grave." his grandmother tells him.

"I don't know Nan. I'm just at a bit of a loss right now." Ben tells her. "Like I said, tend to screw up everything, and feel like I've lost my marbles. Went for a run yesterday and it was bizarre, like I couldn't control my own mind."

"You're stressed Ben." His grandmother tells him. "Maybe it's time to cut that stress out, go see more of life while you're still young. Maybe take some time off from work and come home for a bit, or go spend some of that money doing things you really wanna do."

Ben sighs sadly.

"I dunno what I wanna do." Ben tells her. "But I do know that I will be taking a break from work in the near future."

"You are?" She says slightly surprised.

"Yes." Ben tells her. "I spoke to my bosses and explained that I would like to take a leave of absence, step away from it all for a bit, actually really recover from being ill, really let my mind and body heal up, really give myself chance to breath. I don't wanna be Ben Jordan the wrestler for a while, I wanna be Ben Jordan the person for a while. The one that cocks everything up without cameras being around me."

"You don't screw everything up." She tells him with a stern look.

"More than I want to lately." Ben admits. "It's cause I don't feel like I'm in control of anything I say or do. I feel like I'm a passenger in my own body. Like I'm not driving things."

"We all have our days where we seem off." His Nan says. "All have those shitty days but you will get through them. If this country could get through the rubbish it did, you can sit there, move away from everything for a little while and think. Without work, you can do what you want, be who you want. You don't have to even worry about money, you can just be whatever you want and forget the rest. Cut out the bad people, cut out the bad things, probably should cut out the booze too and look towards the good stuff out there."

She smiles at Ben.

"We all deserve to be happy Ben, one way or another." She says with a warm smile.

"I'm happy at times." Ben tells her "But others, I'm moody, and not exactly myself."

"Then be the one that makes you happy." She tells him. "Go watch the football, go take your wife out for dinner, find a long beach and let the dog run on and anything else that would make you happy."

"I think what would make me happy is coming home for a bit." Ben tells her "Back to England so I can be normal again for a little while."

"Well, what are you waiting for?" She asks.

"Working the weekend." Ben tells her. "After my chat with the bosses, I got two more matches, this one and the supercard. Thinking that maybe early next week I might pop my head back around the east end, grow a big beard so no one recognizes me."

"Might work for you but I don't think Evie would look good with a beard." She says with a laugh.

"I would hope not." Ben says with a wide smile. "I dunno if she'll come with me. I don't have a clue to be honest, she's not a rain type person."

"Well you're both welcome here any time." She says with a smile.

"Thanks Nan." Ben says with a slight nod. "Should probably let you go now."

"Alright Ben." She replies with a slight smile. "Keep your chin up and remember that everything happens for a reason. The reason will become clear soon enough. All you gotta do is what you always do and fight on."

Ben can't help but smile at his grandmother.

"You look after yourself Ben." His Nan says to him. "Love you."

"Love you too Nan." Ben says with a nod. "I'll see you next week."

Ben waves at the camera before shutting the laptop lid down. He takes a deep breath and nods.

"Fight on..."



To the fans...

Thursday evening.

The camera shows Ben Jordan holding a camera in his hand, the lens pointed towards his face as he steps to the outside of his house.

"Ladies and Gents, we are streaming live at scwrestling.net." Ben informs the people watching on mobile devices, tablets and computers. "I am Ben Jordan, and it's time to do a quick promo thing against one hell of a tough geezer, someone you might love, or hate, but either way, you can not deny one thing. He's a tough as old boots kinda guy, I'm talking about Travis Levitt."

Ben shuts the door behind him.

"Guy is seriously tough as they come so I ain't expecting an easy ride." Ben tell the watching audience. "He wasn't a champion for no reason but there's something about him that makes him just not get some things over the line. Let's take a butchers at when he shocked everyone and got himself in to a World title match, something I ain't done in donkey's years but he pulled off one hell of a shock and got himself up there only to let himself down at the last hurdle. He could have pulled off the win but just couldn't get across the line. But things wasn't all doom and gloom, he dropped down, picked up that Roulette title. He was made for that belt until he let himself down once again when Griffin Hawkins returned and made claim to it."

Ben turns around, his back to the lake.

"Not only did he lay claim to it, he won it Travis and defended it against you and you still couldn't get it back from him." Ben says with a slight shake of his head. "So I'd be an absolute plonker if I thought that you're on the downward trajectory. I know this is gonna be a match where you fancy your chances at bouncing back and if you've done any research in to who I am, you'll know I ain't been having the best of times lately so it's completely possible that this is where your luck changes. There's no point me sitting there thinking I got it in the bag because I'd be lying to everyone there, including myself. I know Travis that you're a dangerous man, a future World champion, a man who will someday lead this company but I will be putting in as much effort as I can muster to give you one hell of a match."

Ben walks backwards towards the lake.

"You're probably wondering which Ben is gonna turn up here, right?" Ben asks. "Is it gonna be the evil Ben that showed up against Kedron Williams, the one who doesn't see a person in front of him, just that, someone in front of him. Maybe you'll get the fun loving Ben, the Ben that cares more about entertainment than winning. Mate, I wish I could tell you what one is gonna show up but truth is, I dunno."

Ben shrugs his shoulders.

"I really don't know what kinda mood I'm gonna be in when I show up at the arena." He starts. "I don't know what kinda mood I'm gonna be in when I get behind that curtain, I don't know what kinda mood I'll be in when I get in to the ring, but I hope for your sake Travis that you get fun loving Ben. He's alright."

Ben gives a thumbs up with his free hand.

"The other one is a bit of a git to be fair." Ben admits. "I don't like him much myself but he's a win at all costs kinda guy. He doesn't have much regard for anything from what I gather, so I'm hoping for everyone's sake that you get the nice guy Ben, not the git Ben."

Ben takes a seat on the grass with the lake behind him.

"I won't lie though." Ben says "I'm looking forward to the challenge. Up until the last couple of matches, Travis has been a great wrestler, someone you need to beat if you want to move on up in this game. Anyone who says they got a win over Travis Levitt becomes highly regarded and I like the thought of that. I like the thought of being that regarded, although the same can be said for me. Beat Ben Jordan and go on to do big things in wrestling. Now I'm making no secret of the fact this could be one of my last matches but would be nice to go out on a few wins and I plan on trying to make this one of them."

Ben holds up a finger.

"And if these do prove to be my last set of matches in wrestling, then I will be putting on a show." Ben says with a smile. "I will not be one of those guys who know they're on the way out that don't put the effort in, that just goes through the motions, cause that just ain't me. It's not like me to just go through the motions and cheat the fans, they paid to see the best me possible and that's what they're gonna get. They'll be getting the best I have to offer, they'll be getting the Ben Jordan they came to see, they will see me one way or another rip it up with Travis Levitt and with any luck, walk out with me head and hand held high. They will get to see what they want and God willing they will get to see the Ben Jordan they've been watching for years, no filler, just me leaving my heart and what's left of my soul in that ring. Sunday night will be no different."

Ben smiles.

"I'll be giving it everything I got to make sure I beat one of the best wrestlers around." Ben says confidently. "Getting no half measures from this bloke, I can tell you that for sure because I'm coming to put on a show, I'm coming to give the fans a reason to remember who I am and what I offered to this sport."

Ben gets back to his feet.

"Anyway, I won't take up any more of your time." Ben says with a nod. "Make sure you all tune in on Sunday to see me and Travis Levitt steal the show."

Ben winks

"Laters people..."

The camera fades out.