6. Savior
Feel
I was almost saved you know?. A few years ago. I was almost pulled out of it all. See while having no emotions and being able to just turn off can be useful, it can also feel like your own personal hell. Your relationships crumble, you never feel like you’re enough or that it’s even fair. Part of you doesn’t care but there is always that little spark that wants to do what is right for others. That wants to be a good person.
If you can’t be the person your family and friends deserve then shouldn’t you just walk away and disappear?. If all they do is worry and it impacts their lives then shouldn’t you do them a favor and just go?. There came a time when I thought that was for the best. My sister was gone, my brother was gone and my father was dead. It was my mother, and me. And all I did was make her worry. Tasmin was a teenager and in boarding school in London, she had her own life to worry about and my mother now free of my father’s abuse and bullshit now had a new reason to stay up all night worrying….
Me.
I was out on the town, I was doing whatever, and whoever I wanted. I would come home at 4am smelling of cheap alcohol, a pocketful of money and often some weed or a pill or two. I had no life or direction. I was spiralling and she had no idea how to fix it. Thing is she couldn’t fix it. No one could. Only I could pull that plane out of its nosedive but I didn’t want to.
So one night I left my mother’s home. I left her alone to live her life and no longer worry about me. I left her a note, I packed my bags and went to London. There I could keep half an eye on my baby sister and look for my older brother while being able to continue the lovely self destructive lifestyle that had become my trademark. But Brett was still in my life. No matter how wrong I treated him, no matter how many times I laughed off his romantic work or his sweet words he was there.
If I drank to much he’d hold back my hair. If I felt sick he’d check on me. If I got in a fight he’d get my drunk ass out of the pub. This is what Brett did and it slowly built up. I felt like I was drowning, that the world was water and it was slowly coming over my eyes and body. It was filling my nose and mouth and I couldn’t breathe and as I sank the entire world was going black. I felt it fill my lungs and every single day was like I was choking and gasping just to survive. But then through the darkness he grabbed my hand and pulled me back from the brink.
And this is where you see my true colours. Cause even a savior couldn’t find a place in my heart…
London England
9 Years Ago
Take my hand….
My fingers slowly moved along the plastic cylinder. The liquid inside was almost clear with only a slight yellow tinge. I looked around my bathroom with a sigh. My body was already out of it due to the shots of whisky and the weed. But I needed more. For the first time the alcohol and weed weren’t enough to stop it. They weren’t enough to finish keeping me numb. I needed something else. Something harder….
A guy at the pub said he knew what I needed. He promised to hook me up and the first taste was free. I brought it home, I put the powder on a spoon and heated it up. I marveled as it slowly dissolved into a liquid and I soaked it up through the cotton. And now it sat in front of me, all in this little plastic syringe. And here I was sitting on the floor in my underwear. My hair was a mess, my makeup smeared from crying. But even in this sad, desperate state I had my doubts. The trepidation was always there….
But then it hit, the headache. All I wanted was for the pain to stop for the headaches to go away. It was like pressure, build up in my skull. I wanted to take a drill to my head and let all that pressure out. I wanted it to just go away. Normally my own indifference and the mixture of herb and alcohol did it but not this time. Not anymore. It had been so long since I cried. So long since I let it out that the tears burned my eyes and cheeks.
It felt like Lava….
I needed to do it. I needed anything to stop it. Before I knew it I had the rubber around my arm. I felt the sting of the needle piercing my skin. But this wasn’t like a tattoo sting. This was something else. Something different. I pushed the end, the liquid started to disappear as a small amount of blood flowed back into the needle. But then I could feel it. I felt it work it’s way through my body and as it did I felt the humanity get pushed back. I felt the person I was disappear and for a moment I knew the true freedom and ecstasy of death…
I felt the hands on my chest, I felt his mouth on mine. I heard the anguish in his voice and my eyes opened. There he was. Brett. His long hair flowing down as he panicked. All the peace I felt was gone and now the pain of life flowed through. I could breathe again, I could see the reality and now. Because of him I could feel. And at that moment when I turned and looked into his eyes, the life saving eyes full of love, all I felt was anger. He smiled and breathed out hard as a few tears fell. Brett put his arms around me and sighed but as he pulled away I was only able to manage three little words towards him.
“I hate you….”
Present Day
The Home of Tasmin Richards and Adam Sanders
”That arrogant…fucking….annoying…self righteous….ignorant…blind….MAN”
I paced back and forth, my feet tapping on Tasmins kitchen floor. The black and white checkered floor, something that she found to be funny and quirky, just made me roll my eyes. But I needed something, anything to focus on. Anything that wasn’t my anger. My frustration. My…nevermind. Tasmin looked up at me, sitting on a small chair next to the large round table in the center of the kitchen. Her daughter Dawn cooing in her arms. It was strange…seeing the small child actually helped calm me.
I normally hate children and babies in perticular. But my sisters kids, Ambers and Tasmins, well, I felt a need to care and protect them. It was strange. ”I love it when you come to visit Kay…really…” Her voice oozed with sarcasm, I couldn’t help but laugh, I always found it amusing when Tasmin would show that side of herself. The side that was more like me than she would ever care to admit. ”Seriously Kay, I don’t get why you’re still living there, I get you and Finn are friends but I think you need some space and you don’t need to live there anymore…”
She was right, I didn’t need to. I had enough money to find my own place following what I had done in that cesspool Project Honor, in the first season of PWE and my new home of SCW. Being able to sign a more than livable contract. But that wasn’t the point, that wasn’t why I was there and I think deep down Tasmin knows that. But, she doesn’t know exactly why….”He just….he knows how to get under my skin, he knows how to make me angry and make me want to do irrational things like walk out of the apartment in a huff and travel all the way here to see you…”
”I have never seen anyone get in your head like he does, I don’t get it…” Tasmin blinked a few times, I could see the cogs turning in her head as she started to think about it. Looking me up and down. I needed to change the subject and fast, luckily her son to be husband Adam walked into the kitchen. Thank you for the gift, you wonderful man child.
”Oh Hi Kayla how are yo-”
”I’m fine but is there a reason why you haven’t married my sister yet after choosing to infect her with your biological 18 year commitment.”
”KAYLA!”
I just shrugged, it was a valid question. They had been engaged for a long time, Tasmin got pregnant and now here they were over a month after and still not married. Adam backed away and gave me a nod as Tasmin stood up handing him Dawn, Adam smiled, he was so happy holding her. For a moment and caught myself wanting to smile to, I turned, Adam moved from the room and Tasmin stepped close to me folding her arms over her chest. ”Are you done being in a bad mood? Are you going to go back home?”
I sneered and shook my head. ”Maybe…if he’s stopped being a complete asshole…”
Tasmin narrowed her eyes and looked me up and down, she then stepped back and laughed throwing her hands in the air. ”Oh I see it now…oh this is great…” I tilted my head, my body language changing as Tasmin kept laughing. ”I get it now. This isn’t just about sex with him….you like him.”
”I don’t know what you are talking about…this is just about his di-”
”Ututututut bullshit. This isn’t just about that. You like him, you enjoy spending time with him…..you want to be with him…”
”Nope….” Tasmin stepped forward to talk again. ”Do not!....look, I don’t know what fantasy you have in your head about me and Finn, but this is just about me wanting to be friends with benefits with him to get rid of some steam and for whatever reason he just won’t give it up….so yeah…I’m a little flustered..”
Tasmin nodded slowly, but then something else hit her, something that made the evidence seem irrefutable. ”Wait….if you’re flustered and just want sex…you’d just find someone else…but you haven’t..so that means…”
”No…”
”You’re…being faithful to him without even being with him…awww that’s so cute.”
I swallowed hard, my arms folding over my chest as Tasmin bounced up and down clapping her hands. ”I’m nit..dealing with…whatever this is…I’m going home…”
Queen of the internet
”I get it, you are all probably think I’m going to be annoyed or angry about my…ahem “loss” at the supercard…”
The british bitch Kayla Richards, the black haired heavily tattooed green eyed annoyance that had been inflicting herself on SCW for the last few months took a deep breath, staring forward with an arrogant smirk coming across her face.
”Now, don’t get me wrong, I hate to lose. HATE IT. I am in this business to be the best and you don’t do that by losing. Unless you ask people like Bea Barnhart who can go 7-300 and still have the unbridled ignorance to call herself “the best”. But in this case, I can hold my head high. For a few reasons. One, I still haven’t been pinned, I haven’t submitted, this loss was in a match that was a purely stupid gimmick. And then I realised, that was probably for the best. See the roulette championship, the entire division, it’s not for me. I’m just as likely to be put in a chocolate pudding match than a submission match, or a lingerie pillow fight than a last woman standing match. And truthfully, that kind of world is not something I’m about. So…”
“I’m glad I’m not the roulette champion and Melissa can keep that trashcan of a fucking championship. I’ll be over here competing for championships that aren’t built on the idea that comedy bullshit is just as important as the art of violence that we should all be experts at.”
“And if any of you have a problem with what I just said..well..”
“I don’t really care…sorry..”
“The supercard was an interesting night, mjy first step into the bigger SCW world, the bigger scope of event that this company can put on. And it was eye opening. The amount of fans that came through and saw the show, the buy rates, the fact it happened on a huge cruise ship. I, dare I say, enjoyed myself. And now as I leave for India I have to try and get myself excited again, see I wasn’t really fussed about going on the cruise ship but had my eyes opened, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be….but India?”
“I’m not excited about going to a third world country that is so crowded they have to ride on the outside of fucking trains…also…I’m English, do you have any idea the pure hatred that simply having this accent in that country is going to get me? No I didn’t think so…”
She folds her arms over her chest and snarls, her bag sitting next to her as we realise she’s “Home” in Finn Whelans apartment. Because they live together, in a totally non couple way. I know weird right?
”But, this trip won’t be all bad, I already hve another opportunity dropped in my lap that shows me the SCW management team not only knows what they have in me but they are also not going to make the same mistakes as in the past and not book me. And why wouldn’t you book me? In this business it’s about getting a reaction, whether that makes the mindless drones “pop” or whether you get them to hate you, if you make them feel emotion, you make money, you get opportunities. And if you can win on top of that? Well, you’re unstoppable. So, first night that I will be competing in that country I get an opportunity to earn a shot at the Internet championship…”
“A battle royal, six of us compete with the winner to go on and get the shot. How quaint, how…unoriginal. But it is what it is. You need to figure out the list of succession and who gets what. So, I suppose it’s better than nothing. Although the company is really scraping the bottom of the barrel when it comes to this. I mean, jesus Tempest?”
“She has size, and that’s it.”
“What have nyou done lately huh? You teamed up with Austin James Mercer, a former Internet champion and world champion, he’s shown himself to be a success but you? What have you done Tempest? What have you done to earn your way in this match? Cause lately? Lately you haven’t done a damn thing yet here you are. And I get the feeling this whole thing is geared towards trying to make you a star. A match where you can throw us all around and look like a beacon of domination and strength right?”
Kayla can’t help but chuckle and shake her head.
”I’m not going to be used like that. You might be big, strong and determined to prove you belong here, but that honestly means nothing when you can’t win the “big one” and the only time you have ever been able to win anything of note is teaming with a guy who actually has talent. And even he got sick of dragging your dead weight around. So now here you are, ready to try and win this and finally break through that glass ceiling you keep bumping your giant head on…”
“Too bad Tempest, you aren’t getting through me, but I will admit, you’re atleast a step above others in this match…and you’re not even the only ones here who can be accused of riding on coattails…”
“Hello Seleana, I’m talking to you…”
“The wife of my old friend Crystal Hilton. Wow, you know Sel I don’t think we ever really got introduced, and I find that funny considering I know your wife so well, in fact I know her better than you do. I know her so well that I know if I was so inclined I would never be in a relationship with someone like Crystal because I know what kind of person she is. She’s an arrogant bitch, one who is only ever out for herself who will step over anyone and everyone to get what she wants when she wants it. In fact it’s some of her most redeemable qualities. Ones that you don’t have…”
“See Sel, you’re what we call..the bitch of the relationship. See Crystal is a bitch no question, but you are THE bitch in your little couple dynamic.”
“And you think beating Crystal at the supercard somehow negates everything else she has done to you and this is some kind of massive redemption story for you? You haven’t really stood up for yourself Sel. Crystal has been stepping all over you for years, costing you opportunities, taking them from you, backstabbing you, shit even your small world title reign was because of her and she lets everyone know it. Time and time again she has held you down and now, becauser you beat her in ONE MATCH you think you can move on? You’re still tied to her, you’re stil stuck with her. And because of that you will always be viewed as a joke.”
“You need to take care of that first and finish your buullshit with her before you try and step up to this Sel…there’s some free advice.”
Kayla shrugs and moves around the room, moving her bag to the side as she seems to impatiently be waiting.
”But, it seems as if I’m up to the “dead weight” part of the match, the real dead weight, the woman who has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. See, Tempest has size and an intimidating look, Seleana has actually had success that she earned, the other two? Well I’ll get to them but Bea Barnhart? I already mentioned you once Bea, you should feel honored I have lowered myself to mentioning you this much and talking about you, it’d the most relevant she’s ever been. And I say that with full knowledge she was able to be a mixed tag champion with her idiot husband. But tell me Bea, what nuggets of wisdom will you drop on us today? What offensivelty stupid thing are you going to put into the universe before our match hmmm?”
“What outlandish promises about winning are you going to throw out there that you have very little chance of keeping or even getting close to? See, Bea, I have nbo problem with confidence and arrogance, ever. You should be confident, you should believe you can win and are the best to lace up a pair of boots, what I have a problem with is that you’re so damn boring about it.”
“You’re nothing but a side voice for your husband, nothing but something to stand by his side and repeat his dumb bullshit.”
“In this world where women are gaining more power, and trust me, I’m not one of these “future is female” drones, but in a world where we all have a right to stand up and have our own voices, your voice is just an alternate world version of your fat fuck delusional husband Bea…girl power indeed.”
She rolls her eyes, clearly annoyed with having to mention Bea at all….
”Oh Ariana. It’s so good to see you again. I mean after I already slapped you around. One on one you copuldn’t come close to me, I guess you think you have more of a chance in this battle royal huh? I’ll admit, you do have more of a chance than Bea, but that doesn’t really mean much. It must sting you the only way you were able to get any kind of attention was to go off to SCU and get a title before that place closed it’s doors. Congratulations by the way…”
“It’s always inspiring to see someone get a championship by getting dragged there…”
“It’s just a shame that SCU is shutting down, it seems like a company where you could have actually done something and become a champion many times over.”
“I mean any place where Amy Santino is still relevent is just an easy button…”
“But this match Ariana, it’s for a chance at a title that is being held by someone who would end you one on one. I mean there’s no shame in it, Roxi is a rare breed, a woman in wrestling that even I have toi respect and applaud. But you wouldn’t have a chance against her Ariana. You can’t beat Roxi and you wouldn’t have beaten Masque. So I need to do you a favor, you as a young wrestler are trying everything you can to build your brand. I’m going to save you, save you from making a mistake, save you from fluking your way through this Battle royal and being embarrassed by Roxi Johnson.”
“You’re welcome”
Kayla turns and sits down, crossing her legs one over the other and letting out an exasperated sigh.
”And speaking of saving people. I want to save the fans from having to see Roxi versus Keira match number 700. I mean really, does anyone want to see that? Anyone? Ever? Cause I sure as shit don’t. We don’t need to see the struggle between you to keep going Keira. Especially since we already know who’s won, and it sure as shit ain’t you. Roxi has has world title matches and runs that matter, she has been the best in this company for a long time along with Amber Ryan. Those two put on matches that made me remember why I love wrestling. And we don’t need you to somehow get another title shot and another match against your wife.”
“And we don’t need her gifting the title to you since she had bigger things to worry about. Namely the SCW bom bshells title.”
“You know, that title you’ve been able to hold but then make it look worse?”
“That one?”
“Yeah we all remember Keira. We all remember that you’re a former world champion, we all remember that you have gone to war with the best of them and we all remember your feud with Roxi and we all remember you have an alter ego named Synn and…oh god I needa double shot latte before I fucking fall asleep. We’ve seen it Keira. It’s like a bad re-run of the simpsons. We’ve all seen them and just because it might be new to someone who has never paid attention before or someone who is new to wrestling doesn’t mean we need to see it again. What this company needs is a new look…a new star..a new name to have up on the marquee…”
“With all these fairweather nobodies leaving we don’t need a retread here, and thats what we would get with you. So, it’s time for me to step up, to earn a shot at the internet title and bring it home…to make it matter….to be the best…”
