COMEDY
Narrator: Most of you know Bill Barnhart is a very serious person but some of you may not know that Bill can be amusing and funny. In a moment I’ll turn you over to Bill Barnhart, who is at Staggs Dungeon, in Las Vegas, Nevada, where he and Bea will be in a tag team match against a team named Sass and Bash. There is a room set up for the wrestlers to entertain those who are also in quarantine and Bill is headlining a standup comedy act for those in attendance.
The scene shifts to the event room in Staggs Dungeon, where Bill will be performing his stand-up comedy routine. The person assigned as Emcee is standing at the mic ready to introduce the next act.
Emcee: I want to thank all the people in the audience for coming to this edition of our Amateur Night for stand-up comedians. We have a total of ten competitors tonight and you’ve already heard from nine of them. The tenth competitor is well known in the sport of wrestling, his name is Bill Barnhart, and he is a wrestler in Sin City Wrestling. Without further delay I introduce to you Bill Barnhart!
The people in attendance cheer as Bill Barnhart approaches the mic. Bill wastes no time as he jumps directly into his comedy routine.
Bill: Hi! My name is Bill Barnhart and I’m a wrestler in Sin City Wrestling and they’re holding Climax Control 273 here in Staggs Dungeon, so I hope you’ll to enjoy watching me wrestle with my tag team partner, and my wife, Bea. Let me jump into my stand-up comedy routine. I love talking about the mother and father of my friend. My friend’s mother is so fat!
There is no reaction from the audience as they are waiting to hear more before deciding if they are to laugh or moan.
Bill: Okay. Not the reaction I expected so let me explain. When I say something like my friend’s mother is so fat you reply with the question HOW FAT IS SHE? Let us do this again. My friend’s mother is so fat!
Audience: HOW FAT IS SHE?
Bill: Their mother is so fat when she flies on an airplane she has to purchase an entire row of seats!
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill: One day she wore a white dress and 50 cars parked in front of her because they thought they were at a drive-in movie!
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill: Another day she wore a green dress with white stripes on it and they thought she was a football field!
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill: One time their mother took up ballet. Instead of wearing a Tutu she had to wear a FourFour!
Audience: *VERY LOUD LAUGHTER*
Bill: Thanks for the great reaction to my jokes. However I I can see by the looks I’m getting from the women in the audience that you think I’m disrespecting women but that’s not the case. In fact let me talk about my friend’s the father. You have to understand that my friend’s father is so old that…
Audience *cuts Bill off in mid-comments to shout out* HOW OLD IS HE?
Bill: My friend’s father is so old when Archeologist found Hieroglyphs they found his picture painted on the walls!
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill: He’s so old Methuselah calls him Pops!
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill: You know in the Bible where it says GOD SAID LET THERE BE LIGHT. . .AND THERE WAS LIGHT? The next thing heard was my friend’s father yelling out: HEY! TURN OUT THAT LIGHT! I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!!
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill: Now let me return to my friend’s mother since I forgot to tell you that in addition to being so fat she’s also so ugly.
Audience: HOW UGLY IS SHE?
Bill: She’s so ugly they use her as a model for Gargoyles!
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill: She’s so ugly the Phantom of the Opera walked up to her, took off his mask, and handed it to her saying HERE, TAKE MY MASK, YOU NEED IT MORE THAN I DO!
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill: She’s so ugly when the Elephant Man saw her he screamed in horror!
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill: She came over my house once and scared the fur off my cat!!!
Audience: *VERY LOUD LAUGHTER*
Bill: I want to change from talking about my friend’s parents and talk to you about learning to speak another language. One time my friend tried to teach me Spanish as he said Spanish is extremely easy to learn. I have to be honest with you that I have enough trouble with English but I listened to my friend anyway. For example my friend told me that AQUI means HERE. AQUI means HERE. Hmmm…I thought A KEY was something you put into a door to unlock the lock!
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill: Then my friend told me that QUE means WHAT. QUE means WHAT. I thought K was the eleventh letter of the alphabet.
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill waits to see if audience counts the letters of the alphabet to the letter K and for sure the people in the audience start counting the letters using their hands.
Bill: I see you counting the letters on your hands…A -- B -- C -- D -- E -- F -- G -- H -- I -- J -- K and then looking at each other and saying GEE. . .K IS THE ELEVENTH LETTER OF THE ALPHABET! Of course it is! I wouldn’t lie to you!
Audience: *LAUGHTER*
Bill: After my friend tried to teach me the meaning of QUE and AQUI they got frustrated and assured me the next Spanish word they would teach me would be the word PORQUE which means BECAUSE. My friend repeated that PORQUE means BECAUSE. I burst out laughing because I wasn’t buying that definition. What I said to them was: OH COME ON! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT PORKY IS A CARTOON PIG!!!
The audience is laughing so hard some of them are snorting, some pass out from lack of oxygen, and others double over from the pain in their side from the hard laughing.
Audience: *VERY LOUD LAUGHTER* *SNORT*
Bill: Thank you! Thank you very much! I’m glad you enjoyed my stand up comedy routine. Remember that myself and Bea are in a Mixed Tag Team match against a team named Sass and Bash consisting of Malachi and Bella Madison.
At the mention of the names Malachi and Bella Madison those in attendance in the room burst out is loud laughter.
Bill: How appropriate that I did a comedy routine and now me and Bea have a match against a joke of a team and at the mention of their names I got more laughter than from my jokes. Again thanks for enjoying my performance.
A SHORT TIME LATER IN THE ROOM OF BILL AND BEA BARNHART AT THE SAXON HOTEL.
Bill Barnhart walks from the kitchen area to the living room area of their hotel room, holding a large bowl of chips and dip, and he takes a seat on the couch. He places the bowl of chips and dip on the coffee table. In a flash Iris his English Bulldog runs into the room and jumps on the couch drooling for some chips and dip.
Bill: Don’t worry Iris. I have chips and dip for you I’ll give them to you when I’m done with my presentation.
Bill stands up and returns to the kitchen to get something and he returns with a six pack of Classic Coke which he places on the coffee table in front of the couch. Iris continues drooling and Bill ignores her and he promised to give her chips and dip after he’s done with his comments.
Bill: This may come as a surprise to most of you but I have very little to say about Malachi and Bella Madison. Why, you are thinking, would Bill Barnhart not have much to say about opponents when he’s usually full of words for everyone? Well if I had quality opponents who I felt would give me a rough time in the match I’d have a lot to say. What the hell can I say about two opponents who suck? What the hell can I say about the other male wrestler in the match who is 6 inches shorter and 65 pounds lighter than I am? YOU TWO SUCK is the best thing I can say about you two at this time. I’m not gonna say I’m disappointed that the King for the Day assigned us to this match. I will, though, state, that when we defeat you it should lead to our Mixed Tag Team getting a shot at the Mixed Tag Team Champions. I would not request or demand that match but I’ll leave it to Management to make that call.
Bill loads a large bowl with chips and dip for Iris. We see the eyes of Iris light up when she sees the food. Bill places a large bath towel on the floor and then he places the bowl on the towel. Iris doesn’t need to wait for Daddy Bill to let her know she can dive into the chips and dip as she jumps off the couch and shoves her face in the bowl. When Iris looks up from the bowl we cannot help but laugh seeing chips and dip spread all over her face.
Bill: Oh Iris! Now you have chips and dip all over your face so I’m gonna have to give you a bath to clean you up.
Iris hears the B word, BATH, and she freaks out. Before running into the bedroom to hide under the bed Iris finishes the chips and dip and then she rubs her face on the towel to get as much of the chips and dip as she can off her face. Satisfied she did what she could Iris flees to the bedroom and hides under the bed.
Bill: The Mixed Tag Team we’re facing at Climax Control 273 call themselves Sass and Bash. More like Beavis and Butthead if you ask me. Heh heh heh! These two ass clowns are pathetic excuses for wrestlers and even more pathetic calling themselves a tag team. Malachi the Moron and Bella the butthead are gonna find out how hellish a match against myself and Bea can be. There’s a hell of a lot of hurt, pain, and suffering, wrestlers can legally put on other wrestlers fully within the rules of a non-Hardcore Rules match. I would tell Malachi and Bella to WATCH AND LEARN but I have to let them know that when we beat you two to where your eyes are swollen and bruised shut it is damn hard to see anything. Har har har! I can’t wait to get you two inside the ring at Climax Control 273.
Bill motions to the cameraman he is done with his comments and the cameraman calls into the Network for instructions on what to do next. He is told to place her camera into a slow fade to black and they will take over once the scene has gone to black. He does as he is instructed and in about 30 seconds the scene fades to black.
