Blaze of Glory…
After the show had ended, I was in my own locker room feeling nothing but disappointment and frustration. Once again, I was experiencing the five words that were the bane of my career, mostly since I came back into this business back in 2015:
“So close, yet so far.”
My entire aura was flooded with sadness. Making it all the way to the Blast from the Past finals only to fall short in the end became yet another cross for me to bear in my career. There wasn’t an ounce of confidence in me. That feeling of failure was the most overpowering feeling in the world that I was experiencing at this time. It didn’t matter to me that Mac Bane and I had gone all the way to the finals. In fact, much of the progress that I had been making since arriving in Sin City Wrestling didn’t matter to me either.
Naturally, as is usually the case with me when I experience that ‘so close, yet so far’ frustration, I was feeling downtrodden and internally beating myself down, wondering if there was anything I could’ve done differently to change the outcome. Adrianna, who I was on a video call with at this point, is trying to get through to me.
“How many more times do I have to deal with this?” I asked my sister while I was in a downtrodden state of mind. “I get so close to getting to where I want to be… and then right when I’m about to get there, someone takes it from me out of nowhere. I’m so tired of it, Adrianna. I know it wasn’t me that got pinned out there, but that doesn’t matter. A loss is still a loss… and you know me: close doesn’t mean anything to me… I failed… that’s the bottom line…”
“We’ve been through this many times before, Myra…” Adrianna reminded me. “I know that it stings, and I know that this is the last thing you wanted to happen. I get that you dealt with someone that really did nothing but try to bring you down and it feels… unfair… that it seems like she got away with it… but you shouldn’t beat yourself down for this…”
Unfortunately for my sister, her words were falling on deaf ears.
“Maybe if I was a better partner…”
“Myra, please don’t…” Adrianna pleaded with me.
“Maybe we weren’t supposed to even be in the finals at all… considering all the crap that happened with the semifinals match. It makes me sick, Adrianna. I was hoping that I would never feel like this again and yet… all I did was fail. This whole tournament is a failure for me…”
“Sis…”
“We didn’t win it…”
“I know but…” Adrianna pauses to let out a sigh. “It means so much to you and I get that, but you can’t flush the whole experience down the drain just because it didn’t end up the way you wanted it to end up in the end. There are 28 other people in this tournament that wish that they even got as far as you did to begin with. It’s ONE setback, Myra. It feels like it’s more personal than it has any right to be because of who actually won the thing and you’re telling me that you’re going to let what some empty, shallow, carbon copy of her own family member bring you down like this? You’re telling me that suddenly, the sky is falling because of this one setback? Are we at the point where suddenly, everything you’ve done in SCW means nothing because of this outcome?”
“No… it’s nothing like that. I’ve always had the highest of expectations for myself. When I set out to accomplish something, I set out to accomplish something and if I don’t get it done, then I feel like it’s all for nothing. It’s always been this way. If I don’t meet my own expectations then…”
I took a pause, still overwhelmed with so much negative emotion going through me. It was not just the heartbreak and frustration of coming so close and yet so far, it was also the combination of bitterness and anger going through me as well considering that somewhere in me, I was feeling as if Ruby Steele truly didn’t deserve it. All of these emotions going through me made it incredibly difficult to concentrate on the conversation.
“...I can’t right now, Adrianna….”
“Why do you do this to yourself all the time?” She asked me point blank.
“Do what?”
“Why do you set such high expectations for yourself and then beat yourself down when you don’t deliver on them? It’s always been this way and… you know… with all of the amazing things that you’ve done in SCW, I would’ve figured that you’d have learned to not fall back into that old habit anymore. Everywhere you’ve been… it’s always been like that… and that leads you to doing something stupid that burns the bridge… and sis, you and I both know that SCW is probably your last bridge.”
“...I don’t know how to answer that…” I admitted. “I just don’t know what to do right now… or how to think… or how to process this… I’m just so disappointed in myself you have no idea. It’s not a good time to talk right now.”
“Take all the time you need to get through this… but don’t let this embitter you. I’m so sorry about this, Myra. I know how much this meant to you. But please don’t beat yourself down. I hate it when you do that. Stay strong.”
“I don’t know if I can…” I admitted.
“Try…” she said, with patience and understanding. “I’ll talk to you later.”
The phone call disconnected at this point. I had a moment to myself now to process everything. I couldn’t get the final pinfall of that tournament out of my head. The sickening feeling of seeing Mark and Ruby celebrate something I passionately wanted was really bringing me down and making me doubt myself.
“What if it’s never meant to be?” I thought to myself. “What if I’m just destined to never be a world champion again?”
This brief moment of feeling sorry for myself didn’t last long. I sighed and shook my head, asking myself the real question.
“Why do I do this to myself? I’ve always been hard on myself every step of the way in my career, even going back to the beginning…”
With that, I began to reflect on this career long habit I’ve had of having my ‘all or nothing’ perfectionist mentality…
May 2006…
“I am extremely proud of you…” Scott Lockley, my trainer, told me, as another woman was in the ring. She and I were both exhausted having gone through a hell of a tryout match. As we were both catching our breath, a talent scout for a global wrestling company was standing by taking notes on what he just witnessed. My tryout match opponent was bewildered, unable to process how I was able to beat her. “You have done nothing but bust your ass for the last four years here and in the Independent scene doing your thing and getting noticed.You KILLED this tryout match! It’s the best match I’ve ever seen you wrestle and to top it off, you WON! This is your chance to finally go global and after what I just saw, I know you’re ready.”
“Right…” I said with a hint of nervousness that my then-21 year old self would have. “All the years of dreaming and working hard have led to this. This is the biggest wrestling experience of my whole life so far. After being rejected five times by other global companies, I really feel like this is going to be it..”
“Are we ready?” The talent scout asked us, briefly interrupting our conversation.
“Yes, we are…” Mr. Lockley told the talent scout. “I just need a couple of more moments and we’ll be good to go.”
“Alright…” the talent scout said. “You definitely taught your student well, I will say that for a fact. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be glad to inform you of my decision on whether we’re moving forward for a contract or not.”
“Listen…” Mr. Lockley told me, focusing his attention back to me. “There’s something that I want you to know.”
My curiosity was piqued as he gently grabbed my hands and looked directly into my eyes.
“You have come a long way in the last four years” he said, obviously trying to give me one last jolt of confidence before this imminent decision. “...and if I can be plainly honest? You’re the best damn student I’ve ever had. I know that the tryouts that you’ve had before haven’t gone your way, but with how far you have come, I am incredibly confident that this is the one. This company loved what they saw… even if the talent scout isn’t admitting it right now”
Hearing this brought a smile to my face and I certainly did begin to feel more confident.
“I can’t be surprised with all the progress that you’ve made. You’ve had it in your blood. Trina was one hell of a wrestler who had everything it took to take the step that you’re about to take. Of course, as you know, that didn’t happen. She decided that you were more important than her career. When you travel to Los Angeles for the big leagues, I want you to remember that, okay?”
“Of course…” I said and nodded. “I’m so nervous. I don’t know what he’s going to say.”
“Let’s get through this together, alright?”
I nodded and both of us approached the talent scout. I couldn’t read his mood, which only increased my nervousness quite a bit as I had no idea what he was about to say.
“Miranda Rivers…” the talent scout prefaced. “I’ve heard many things about you. You’re the daughter of the famous, deep South territorial ladies wrestler Katrina Rivers, you’ve been one of the top Indy prospects for the last couple of years. I had to come down here to Florida to see for myself how good you were and… you blew me away!”
“Thank you…” I said with a smile.
“It’s incredibly rare for someone in your position to actually WIN a tryout match but that’s what you did. You’re only 21 and you’ve shown so much poise and confidence in that ring. Your mother definitely passed on her wrestling genes to you. You’re a phenomenal young talent… borderline prodigal if I do say so myself. You’ve scored some high marks with my company, that’s for sure and believe me, you have an extremely bright future in this business!”
I was already feeling giddy internally.
“This is it…” I thought to myself. “It’s finally going to happen.”
“That future… won’t be with us…”
“...I’m sorry?” I said with an initial shock, right as my heart began to sink. “You’re not going to sign me?”
“We’re not moving forward with a contract at this time.”
“I don’t understand… was I not good enough?”
“You were great, Miranda. You’re a top notch talent in the making. You’re just not what we’re looking for. You are ready, from an in-ring standpoint. But I never got the sense, in watching your tryout match or in interviewing you and evaluating you personally, that you’re ready for television. I don’t see IT in you. Sorry. I’m sure you’ll be a great addition elsewhere. May I advise signing on with someone that has a regional television deal first? You just need to know how to be pretty for the cameras, develop some charisma, maybe even lose 5 pounds… or 10… and you’ll be a STAR, I promise! Come on, Madi. Let’s go. We’ve got to talk to you about losing that tryout match…”
I was completely shell shocked as I watched the talent scout leave with my tryout match opponent. My hopes and dreams became instantly crushed and it didn’t take long for tears to fill my eyes. Getting rejected the first time didn’t break my heart, but the sixth time? My confidence crashed through the floor. I was experiencing the familiar feeling of letting down my mother as the doubts started to flood my mind.
“Myra, I’m so sorry…” Mr. Lockley said with a sympathetic tone. “I thought this was really going to be it this time. Fuck that guy and fuck that company! They’re as shallow and pathetic as it gets when it comes to this business. Those fuckers won’t be around three years from now. Someone will see you for what you’re worth…”
“Maybe my father was right…” I said through my tears. “Maybe I won’t amount to anything…”
“Myra… don’t say that…” he said with a concerned and exasperated sigh.
“That was my best tryout of all six of them! That was the best match I ever wrestled. I gave it EVERYTHING that I had to get that contract and I still didn’t get it. If my very best isn’t good enough, then nothing ever will be!”
I turned and immediately bolted toward the ring, where my stuff was located in the corner.
“Myra…”
“I’m never going to make it in a global wrestling company!” I said with sadness and frustration. “All the progress that I’ve made and all of the work that I’ve put in means NOTHING! I’m always going to be the damn failure that my father always expected me to be. I’m not good enough for this business, Mr. Lockley and I’d really appreciate it if you stopped sugar coating it for me. You’ve been wanting to tell me for years that I don’t have what it takes. Just tell me already.”
I grabbed my stuff from the corner of the ring and looked back toward him, the flood of tears still pouring all over my face.
“Tell me that I’m not good enough! Tell me that I’m never going to make it! Tell me that you only took me in to begin with out of respect for my mother. I always let her down and that’s all I am ever going to do as long as I keep kidding myself into thinking that I could ever amount to anything in this business. All of this hard work I’ve been putting in for four years, all of the work I’ve put in through the Indy scene, every second of dedication I’ve put into my craft… it doesn’t mean anything because I’m just not good enough. Six global companies saying ‘no’ to me should just about confirm that! I’m done! I’m not going to do this anymore! I’m going home… I’m going back to my father’s… and I’ll just take that stupid modeling career he always wanted to force me into! I’m sorry… I’m done. He was right… and he’ll always be right…”
I began to walk away from him, but he grabbed me by the shoulder and gently pulled me back toward him.
“You can leave, be done with all of this and give up on your dream… that’s up to you. But if your mother were here, she’d be extremely disappointed in you. Failure would never disappoint her as long as you gave it your best… but giving up, quitting and surrendering to that piece of shit you call a father? THAT is what disappoints her!”
“...that’s the last thing I ever want to do…”
“If you want to walk out of here and never come back, then do it. But let’s sit down and talk about it before you do anything stupid! I promise you, walking away from this now over this damn setback is the worst mistake you’ll ever make in your life! Let’s sit down and chat…”
I was quite reluctant to do this, but I respected Mr. Lockley too much to not listen to him. He led me to the ring apron and we both sat down at the edge of the ring. He had an arm around me, further solidifying the fathering presence he had always been in my wrestling career.
“That guy was a jerk that knows nothing about wrestling, Myra. You don’t need to listen to him.”
“In a roundabout way, he just told me I’m not pretty enough to be part of his company.”
“Your mother dealt with the same thing. It sure as hell didn’t stop her, so why should you let it stop you? You only prove your father right if you give up now. Don’t give up. Don’t quit. Believe in yourself a hell of a lot more. There are very few people out there that can wrestle as brilliantly as you do at your age and you’re going to be one of the all-time greats in this business. I need you to believe that and be so much kinder to yourself. You should give yourself so much more credit for how far you’ve come. Heck, you’ve even proven me wrong. When you first came to my school, I thought you were just that pretty girl that wasn’t going to take this seriously. Then, you became my best student ever. Think about what your mother would want if she was still here…”
Mr. Lockley’s reassurances helped me snap out of the funk. I took a deep breath and I wiped my eyes dry. It was brutal going through that experience, but in my heart, I knew he was right. I knew that such nonsense and pettiness shouldn’t stop me from pursuing my dream. I knew that I couldn’t let one setback bring me down.
“She’d want me to keep going…” I admitted. “That’s exactly what I am going to do!”
“Good! I’m glad to hear that!” he said as he pulled me into an embrace. “Let me tell you something though. As you go along and rise up the ranks, you’ve got to quit falling apart and beating yourself up every time something goes against you. You’ve got to control that perfectionist attitude of yours and quit pushing yourself too damn hard. I get why you are the way you are. Your father tormented you for years and made you doubt and criticize yourself so much to the point where sometimes, you even hate yourself and feel so damn insecure. The sooner you let go of all the self-hatred that your father instilled in you and see how special you truly are, the better you'll be. Otherwise, you couldn’t even begin to understand the consequences of being so hard on yourself. The more you hate yourself, the more bridges you’re going to burn because how you feel about yourself reflects how you treat other people and I don't want you to become so hated that nobody ever hires you.. Understood?”
“Understood. Thank you for that. I really mean that. You’ve been the best trainer anyone can ever ask for. I’ll do what I can to not be such a perfectionist… and to be kinder to myself...”
Try as I might, over the years, Mr. Lockley’s warning has become prophetic. Many times I burned a bridge in the wrestling business or became such an awful person in wrestling was based on me being so hard on myself whenever setbacks happened. For all this time, I figured my father was the biggest monster of my career considering he was the origin of this attitude. In light of recent events, I’m not as sure of that as I was before…
March 31, 2021
Normally, whenever I’d lose a match, I’d be over it by the next day. But three days after Blaze of Glory, I wasn’t. I was still experiencing some doubts in my mind. I was still wondering what the hell I could’ve done differently to change the outcome. I was still lamenting the fact that another chapter of heartbreak was added to my ‘so close, yet so far’ file. I was on my living room couch, still numb from disappointment. The lights were on, but that was the only thing brightening up the room.
“Why does it ALWAYS have to be this way?” I asked myself in my head.
“Mommy?”
The presence of Kimberly, my seven year old daughter, caught me by surprise. At the very least, it caused me to snap out of the dwelling I had been doing regarding the Blast from the Past tournament.
“Yes, sweetheart?”
“Can we watch another one of your old matches?”
I could see the eagerness in her eyes as she always wanted to know about my career. She had seen a few of them and she enjoyed watching them, but my downtrodden state of mind left me without the desire to take a trip down memory lane, even if it was going to be with my own daughter.
“I’m too tired right now…” I said to her, the eagerness in her eyes turning into disappointment. “...but we can do that tomorrow.”
“Oh…” my daughter said with a disappointed sigh.
“You should be getting ready for bed anyway. You’ve got school in the morning. I’ll see you upstairs in a bit.”
“Okay…” she said with a further sigh. I could tell she was disappointed as she went up the stairs toward her bedroom. There was a part of me that was feeling some guilt because I had just rejected quality time with my own daughter over the Blast from the Past tournament, but I was also worried about having a fit of anger toward her that was going to shatter her feelings. I saw Scott Lockley Jr. come in from the kitchen and it was a bit of a surprise to see the son of my wrestling trainer sit down next to me on the couch.
“You saw that whole thing, didn’t you?” I asked him.
“Yes… very much so. You would think that spending time with your own daughter might want to make you forget about the disappointment you went through the other day. Adrianna told me everything. I can’t say I’m shocked. We’ve known each other how long now?”
“If this is the part where you’re about to pull off the best impression of your dad and begin to tell me that everything’s going to be okay, then I really don’t want to hear it. Adrianna tried giving me the same speech, she probably would be trying to right now if she wasn’t already asleep with the twins. I don’t want reassurances right now, Scotty.”
“Good, because reassurances are the last thing you need right now.”
“You don’t know what the hell is going on in my head. We’ve known each other since high school, but you wouldn’t be able to read my mind and know what I’m thinking.”
“Let’s see… you made it all the way to the Blast from the Past tournament finals which is an amazing accomplishment so many would kill to accomplish no matter how much you try to downplay it. You didn’t win. So now you’re sitting there questioning yourself and wondering if anything you’ve accomplished since you arrived in SCW actually means a damn thing. Am I getting warm?”
My eyes widened a bit, being surprised that he actually nailed that.
“Wait… there’s more. You’re wondering if all the empty nonsense Ruby Steele said about you is actually true. I’d fathom to say that there’s a piece of you that is starting to believe it even though it’s nothing but slander and garbage. You’re thinking to yourself ‘here we go again’ as you experience the feeling of being ‘second best’ and being ‘so close yet so far’ and all of that frustration is making you wonder if you’ll ever be a world champion again or if you’re destined to have your career be an eternal tease and be labelled as someone who never met her full potential.”
“Scotty?”
“Yes?”
“How did you know all that?”
“Is that not the pattern you’ve shown for basically your whole career, especially the last five to six years? You suffer one massive setback and you act like the world’s going to end. This goes way back to when you were training under my father. I remember when a big time wrestling company passed on you and you acted like your career was over. My father, god blessed his soul, helped you get out of the whole time and time again and helped you feel better to keep going, and you’ve been dependent on that type of thing… whether it’s my father, whether it’s Adrianna, whether it’s Jazmyn, whether it’s someone else that cares about you… all they really do is help you feel better. It doesn’t stop you from beating yourself up the next time a big setback like this happens… and you and I both know there will be a next time…”
“Yeah…” I said with a sigh. “The way that tournament ended really sucks for me… it goes without saying.”
“Is this the part where you mention letting down your mother and anyone else you love? That tends to be a pattern too…”
“Actually no, I’ve finally learned how to break that pattern. I don’t feel like I let anyone else down. It’s just… I’m taking it so damn hard because I’ve done nothing but make so much progress in SCW. I thought I was finally breaking through. I thought I was going to be one step closer to the big moment I have wanted for so many years: winning a world championship the right way and knowing that I have reached my fullest potential. But now it feels like that moment… that goal… that dream… is farther away than ever…”
I sighed, soaking in the loss even more before I continued on.
“I went into that match KNOWING I was going to win. It felt like that tournament was mine. It felt like I was finally going to have my moment. In a way, it almost felt like I was destined to win that tournament with the way everything had been going for me in SCW. It feels like it was torn away from me… I felt like I was going to silence Ruby and shut her the hell up for all the garbage she was spewing… and I didn’t. Call it ego, but it makes me sick that someone like that won the tournament. She got what? One pinfall in the entire thing and happened to end up with the reigning men’s tournament winner replacing her original partner? In my heart, I know I’m better than Ruby… and it’s not even close… but she won that tournament, not me. I lost to someone like THAT? All of this talk of silencing and humbling her and I didn’t get it done. It makes me question what I’m capable of losing in the tournament to someone like that. If it was someone like Amber or Roxi, that’s one thing… but HER?”
“It triggered past experiences for you didn’t it? When someone in your heart you feel that you’re superior to… gets a moment that you felt you deserved.”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I am talking about: when UWA treated you like you were someone else’s sidekick, when you were in an elimination chamber match for a world title… and you finished in second and saw a flash in the pan be world champion and not you, when another hotshot flash in the pan took the X-Limits title from you on UWA’s biggest show, when you were one Ultraviolence title defense away from getting a world title shot in Carnage Wrestling… being that damn close… only for Magdalena to pull out the rug from underneath you… all of those ‘so close, yet so far’ moments where you felt like you were going to take that next step and you didn’t…”
Yeah…” I said with a sigh. “That’s all part of it too. Now I’m sitting here wondering if I’ll ever be a world champion again…”
“You will be, don’t sell yourself short.”
“How can I, when I always fall and always fail when I am one win away from taking that step I’ve been starting to take? I was so angry there was a part of me that wanted to snap and attack Ruby so much… and you know it’s not good when I have that anger.”
“You let some of her words get to you, didn’t you?”
I nodded, admitting this.
“It became personal more than it had any right to be.”
“You forgot that you never needed to validate anything to her. You don’t need to validate yourself to anyone, except for the one person you’ve never been able to validate yourself to.”
“My father, right?”
“No, Myra. Yourself. You’ve never given yourself any validation no matter how much you’ve accomplished. You’ve dealt with people that have been a monster to you throughout your entire life and career, but the one that’s been the hardest on you is… you. My father told me that your biggest weakness is how you’re so hard on yourself when things don’t go your way and the biggest reason why you don’t get to where you want to be is the same reason why you’ve snapped and burned your bridges: that one weakness you’ve never addressed.”
“I’ve always been such a perfectionist that’s so damn hard on herself…”
“Isn’t it about time that stopped? Don’t you think, after all these years, it’s time you started to treat yourself better and stop beating yourself up over the biggest setbacks? Do you really want to destroy yourself… again?”
“I don’t… no. I’ve got to break that cycle.I’ve been through a lot of heartbreaking shit over the years. Hell, I remember when I first started in NSWA and I had my first ever one on one title shot. I was defeated and humiliated and I didn’t know if I was cut out for this and yet, weeks later, I had my big breakthrough moment. Eight years ago, I suffered the most devastating loss of my whole career… and yet, I came back two years later and became a better wrestler than ever. God, I really should give myself so much more credit for all the times I’ve been able to bounce back from heartbreak…”
“Very few can do it like you can. You don’t have to be a victim of your own sins and shortcomings anymore… and that’s something I’m going to leave you with.”
Scotty stood up and went upstairs himself, leaving me with so much to think about. My whole Sin City Wrestling journey really came into focus here. At this point, I began to remind myself that even with the defeat in the Blast from the Past finals, I was STILL at the peak of my career and one setback, nor some loudmouth, carbon copy punk mouthed bitch like Ruby Steele, doesn’t change that whatsoever. Once I focused more on everything I had been able to accomplish in my career in spite of my own self, I came to a conclusion that I had needed to come to for so many years…
“As of this moment, I’m going to treat myself better…” I thought to myself. “I’m never going to beat myself down over a setback again. I’m done being a damn perfectionist. I am done pushing myself too damn hard. I’m done having that all or nothing mentality. I’m done being a victim of my own sins and shortcomings. I’m about to start the journey of slaying that monster that always lived in my mind that always pushed me to self-destruct so many damn times… and I know in my heart that once I slay that monster, I’ll finally meet my fullest potential. Blast from the Past wasn’t a setback… it was further validation that I really am at the peak of my career…
April 23, 2021
“I know that when I step into the ring on Sunday, to defend my SCW Bombshells Internet Championship once again, I’ll be stepping into the ring with a self-proclaimed monster in Johanna Krieger…”
As typical, I was my usual, determined self when the cameras came on. Unfortunately for my challenger, I was neither feeling nor expressing any scars from the Blast from the Past disappointment.
“She once said that this division has a monster in their hands in her… and she’s got the wins to back it up. She’s beaten Seleana. She’s even beaten Roxi. She’s beaten Sam. She’s been the Roulette Champion twice. She has every reason to stake her claim as such. But what she doesn’t know? I’ve faced monsters in my career that I’ve overcome time and time again. I won’t go into detail on every single one of them, but there was my father who didn’t think I’d ever be a wrestler or make it in this life. There was that old rival of mine from a decade ago that did nothing but taunt and torment me and who treated me like I was a piece of fucking trash all because she based her entire career on being better than me. There were the idiots that I dealt with in UWA that did nothing but run me down and act like I was some lackey that was willing to play second fiddle to someone else. But those are just the monsters you see. That’s just child’s play compared to the other monsters I’ve had to face: the ones that you don’t see but the ones that you always feel and experience.
I’m talking about monsters known as self-loathing, self-doubt, beating yourself down and allowing yourself to feel like a failure over one setback, feeling like you’re fucking worthless and that none of the good things you’ve done matters because the bad things you’ve done and the shortcomings you’ve experienced feel like they mean a hell of a lot more than the positive things. Time and time again, I’ve slain them and I’ve become a better and stronger wrestler over the years. So what does that make a monster like you, Johanna? I’d be a fool to dismiss you as child’s play compared to the monsters in my own psyche that I’ve slain to be who I am today in this business, so I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to fall into that trap of looking ahead and overlooking you and time and time again when I’ve put this title on the line, I’ve avoided that trap. I could’ve fallen into that trap when I defended that title against Maki… speaking of self-proclaimed monsters… and I didn’t. I could’ve fallen into that trap in the first two rounds of the Blast from the Past tournament against Maki and Amy, I didn’t. I’m not going to look past you just because I have Roxi in my sights, I want you to know that.
You’ve done far too much in this company for me to make such a stupid mistake. As I mentioned a bit ago, you’ve even beaten Roxi and that’s no small feat in and of itself. Yet, I’m not intimidated by you because I know in my heart that I can and that I will beat you. I have never been the type of champion nor the type of wrestler that has ever ran away from a challenge and I’ve never been the type of wrestler that has ever been intimidated by anyone no matter who they are and just that alone, Johanna, puts you at a disadvantage already because part of what you are all about IS that intimidation factor. Well, I hate to break it to you, but intimidation is a non-factor here. It’s not just because I’ve never been the type of woman to be scared to face someone like you, it’s because… well… let’s be honest with each other… you haven’t lit the world on fire lately. You had a nice, long run of smashing your way through everyone that stood in front of you. You had an incredible ride of steamrolling your way through everyone in your path. You had built up a hell of a mystique and aura surrounding yourself and you had it made! You had set yourself up to be the next best thing in this division! On potential alone, you have everything it takes to be the total package. You were the one, after all, to end the long Roulette Championship reign of Seleana Zdunich and from the looks of things, that title was screwed. I, and many others in this division, figured that you had a stranglehold on that title for a damn long time to come. The expectation was a long, dominant reign for you that was going to feature you running roughshod and raising hell over everyone…
And then you lost the belt to Jessie Salco…
It hasn’t been the same for you since, hasn’t it?
Take it how you want it, but that’s not me trying to rub anything in. That’s me trying to make a point. You may have regained the title from Jessie, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’d lost your aura of invincibility at that point. The name Johanna Krieger doesn’t strike the fear that it once did because ever since then, the monster that you have proclaimed yourself to be is anything but. Ever since you lost the title again to Royal Purple, you’ve been chirping about my title. You think I wouldn’t have heard or noticed some of the stuff you’ve been saying about the Internet title division lately? You think I’d just forget that you’ve said what you’ve said about ME? I REALLY hope you didn’t think I wasn’t listening when you tried to sell my reign short acting like the only reason why I’ve been champion as long as I’ve been champion is because, and I’m quoting you by the way, ‘anyone with real talent went after the Roulette or the World title’... never mind the fact that some of the women that have challenged for my title since my reign started have challenged for the Roulette at some point too. You, the woman that had two brief, short reigns with the Roulette title, want to try to put some asterisks on someone else’s title reign?
Yeah, that’s REAL rich, Johanna. Seriously, coming from the woman that lost her title to Jessie Salco once upon a time. You think that gives you the right to subtly criticize someone else’s title reign? Fat chance! You’re running your mouth about this division that I have represented for the last 266 days going into this Sunday, thinking you have every right to talk about how I deserve a ‘real title contender’ as if the Seleanas, the Sams, and the Kates mean NOTHING in your little warped mind, acting like that real title contender is you… but take one deep breath and take a break from your neurosis for one minute and think about the way things have gone for you lately and ask yourself this: are you REALLY someone that people should consider a ‘real title contender’? You weren’t in that gauntlet, were you? I’m not saying that I don’t consider you a real title contender because on potential alone, you definitely are. But do YOU really consider yourself a real title contender considering the monster you haven’t been lately and considering all your recent shortcomings like losing that title to Royal Purple and suffering a loss to someone who was just coming off what seemed like an eternal losing streak? Be honest with yourself for a change.
Ask much of the Bombshells locker room, and they probably wouldn't think so.
The way I see it, when you make comments and statements like that, you’re discrediting everything I’ve ever done with this championship and you’re discrediting every single challenger I’ve ever faced regardless of who they are and that’s not the type of disrespect that I stand for. But you know what, that’s you. You do you on that, Johanna. I really do mean that. You think what you think and you say what you say and that’s fine because I know it’s all a matter of your own opinion anyway. I didn’t think much of it because I figured it was just a one off comment and just a bit of a snipe at me just because you wanted an opportunity. I get that. But then you made the comment that you made going into the match you had against Courtney… talking about how my mouth has written a check that my talent will have trouble checking…
Let me ask you something, Johanna.
Who are YOU to talk about someone else’s mouth writing a check that they won’t be able to cash?
You sure couldn’t cash that check against Courtney, now could you?
You’re over there talking about how women like her, Candy and Violet aren’t good enough to reach that next level and then Courtney beat you so what does that make you then? You’re ambitious, Johanna. I will give you all the credit in the world for that. You certainly want to do big things in this company and I know that for you, ending the longest SCW Bombshells Internet Championship reign would be one huge deal for you. For you, winning this championship would give you the damn validation that you have lacked since you lost the Roulette Championship to Jessie Salco in the first place. It would validate that mouth of yours that you love to run any given match. It would validate that ego of yours and give you every sort of reason to talk shit. You NEED the validation, Johanna because somewhere in your mind, you’re realizing that you haven’t been as dominant as you once were. I know because a few years ago, I prided myself on being that same monster.
A few years ago, all I ever wanted to do was destroy everyone in my path and get to the top and the whole entire time, I felt like if I wasn’t the best and that the company didn’t revolve around me, I would NEVER be able to validate myself. I treated everyone as if they were completely beneath me and that everyone should fear me. I used to be what you are: that egocentric bully that was willing to do and say anything to get ahead, and hell, I was damn successful at it. But eventually, it all came back to haunt me. I’m not saying that is what is happening to you now, but people like you? They eventually DO get humbled. Is that a scary thought for someone that prides herself on ‘humbling people’? You’re not going to be able to humble me because this business and all of the fucked up things I’ve ever done coming back to haunt me has already done that. You talk about humbling people when the one that really needs the humbling is you. Clearly, losing the title to Jessie didn’t do that. You couldn’t give Jessie any sort of credit. Instead, you played the sore loser card and cried about how it was all a fluke. Losing the title to Royal Purple didn’t humble you because ever since then, you’ve been putting down that title, even going as far as calling the Bombshells Roulette title a ‘piece of shit’. I strongly doubt that your loss to Courtney is even going to humble you even ONE iota. You defiantly show the world that you’ve learned nothing from your shortcomings when you carry around that same ego and you think you’re going to walk into this title match on Sunday and beat someone that has made a CAREER of learning from her shortcomings? As far as this match is concerned, the WORST thing that could’ve ever happened to your chances of becoming the Bombshells Internet Champion this Sunday is me losing the Blast from the Past tournament finals. I admit it… winning that? It would’ve made me tempted to look past you and look straight ahead at Amber Ryan. It would’ve had my head in the clouds and had me waxing lyrical about my accomplishments, I own that and I admit to that. But losing in the finals… while it put me for one hell of an emotional loop afterwards, the best thing it could’ve ever done for me is keep me humbled and grounded and it also made sure that I didn’t take my championship for granted because NOW? Instead of going intot his match thinking that I already have earned my keep, I’m going into his match knowing that I STILL have to do that.
I go into this match knowing that I’ve got to EARN that dream match against Roxi.
Had I won that tournament, I would’ve come into this match against you with the mission of shutting you up and validating myself to you after all the shit you’ve said about me, this division, and the title that I hold… but now I come in here knowing that the only person I need to validate myself to is ME! What? You thought I was going to come into this completely downtrodden and beating myself up over Blast from the Past? You thought I was going to come into this psychologically weaker? You thought you might have the chance to pray on a weakened psyche? Sorry, there isn’t a weakened psyche with me coming into this. As I’ve said before, Blast from the Past wasn’t the end, it was just the beginning. It was the beginning for me taking the final steps to becoming SCW Bombshells World Champion and finally reaching my full potential after all the years of blood, sweat and tears that I’ve put into this business. I am not defending my title against you to validate myself to you. No, what I AM going to do is I’m going to make you eat your words. For every word and every action, there’s a consequence. What I AM going to do, Johanna, is make you pay for some of those comments. Maybe the experience will humble you, maybe it won’t. It’s none of my concern at the end of the day. Maybe losing to me is finally going to make you wake up and realize ‘hey, maybe there IS something about me that I need to work on’.
Or… maybe the next time you wrestle a match, not as the SCW Bombshells Internet Champion, you’re going to keep proving that you’re unwilling to learn from your shortcomings.
But ultimately, Johanna?
When it comes right down to it?
I’m STILL going to be the SCW Bombshells Internet Champion.
I’m STILL going to continue my record breaking reign.
I AM going to earn my dream match against Roxi at Into the Void.
You’ve been flapping your gums for a while now wanting this shot. Well, now you’ve got it. Unfortunately for you, Climax Control is going to be yet another instance of Johanna Krieger’s mouth writing a check that’s ultimately going to bounce.
Sunday? I’m retaining my title once again and when I do, I’ll keep on sharing with the world why I got the bright future that I do!
With that confidence and determination, I shut off the camera more than willing and able to move forward and continue my ascension up the Sin City Wrestling ladder knowing that even though it didn’t end the way I wanted it to, I’ve taken so much good from the Blast from the Past tournament that’s going to help me reach the top.
Getting to my dream match with a win this week is going to go a long way to getting to my ultimate goal of reaching my fullest potential!
