[Despayre]

 "It was a dark and stormy night..."

"Why is it always a dark and stormy night?"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"These scary stories about monsters, ghosts and booger men. How come they always start off with dark and stormy nights?"

"Would it have the same atmosphere if we kicked it off during a sunny afternoon with rainbows?"

"... Might be a nice change of pace."

"*sighs*"

"Fine, be a traditionalist."

Immediately upon the opening of the scene, there is a terrible flash of lightning, so bright that it seems blinding to the eyes and the very fine hairs along the arms and back of the neck stand on end. The very lightning spoken of slices its path through the dark, dismal clouds that hang overhead, high above the Carpathian Mountains in the nation of Romania. Thunder rumbled hard in the distance, bringing with it the threat of more lightning, and the muggy, stifling atmosphere hits that rain will soon follow, heavy and unyielding.

"See? Tell me that's not how you properly start to tell such a tale."

"Well whaddya know? It really does beat sunshine and rainbows."

"That it does mon ami, that it does."

A small caravan was seen traveling alongside a narrow ridge in the vast stretch of mountainous peaks, with only the gravel and open air coming between the gypsy wagon, decorated with bright colors and silks seen through the window, and the plummeting fall of hundreds of feet to the nothingness so very far below. It maneuvered carefully, albeit expertly, along the pass, venturing between the high peaks of rock on both sides as it approached the coming destination in the distance... a decrepit castle.

A castle that was ancient. Hundreds of years old and seemingly in disarray as if it had gone centuries without use or occupation. Yet, if that were true, then why was this clan of Romani gypsies venturing there in such haste as the night had only too recently fallen? Most other living things in these parts took great care to be inside behind closed doors and the safety of the homestead when the darkness of the night passed the earth with its sinister caress.

Four horses drew the carriage down onto the road that led to the castle grounds, passing blue flame that rose alongside the road in rings, only to vanish into the night. Wolves prowled within the tree line, their eyes glowing like embers as they watched those within the carriage pass through the gate that was little more than ancient blocks of mortar broken away with time. The carriage drove through a crumbling tunnel, none the worse for wear despite the age. It had gone this journey many a time to contact the master of this land.

It slowed to a crawl, and came to a stop at the bottom of the stairs that led to a set of large double doors, and soon three Romani males exited, as did a lone female. They whispered in hushed tones and the female caught her breath as a dark flock of bats erupted from a thick and deep crevice in the castle. The flying rodents flew about the four "guests" and then vaulted into the night sky in search of prey. Only then did they make their way up the crumbling steps and as one grasped the heavy, iron door knocker and bang it against the great oak doors, another pulled a chain for a door bell, only to be greeted with the opening tones of "Westminster Chimes"...

One of the gypsies looked to the next and rolled his eyes. "Been watching that British sitcom again."

But whatever was to be said next was silenced as the doors opened on their own with a loud clatter and they slowly set foot inside. They looked along the shadows on the wall, dancing with the reflecting light of the many torches hung up along the wall. They paused in the middle of the grand foyer, looking in every direction when one of the men turned around to find himself facing...

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Roxi Johnson...aka Commando Corset!

Despayre...aka Skrew Loose!

Angel...Beast Bear!

Cut to break as we shift to the broadcast news studio for Ted E. Bahr Productions, where we can now enjoy the broadcast of the nightly news, courtesy of the two broadcasters who had to be seen to be believed, a typical nerd in a patchwork suit and pencil pouch with pencil holder on the front of his jacket, and an insanely rotund woman of Asian descent.

<Be>Seamon:</Be> Good evening everyone, we hope you're enjoying this irregularly scheduled promo. I am Seamon Weener, along with Connie Chunk.

<Be>Connie:</Be> Hello everyone.

<Be>Seamon:</Be> Big news coming out of Romania this evening. An all crimson alert as vampires have been sighted all across this nation, led by, and this news comes at great cost....

<Be>Connie:</Be> You bribed them again, didn't you?

<Be>Seamon:</Be> Hey if you have a better way of getting a story out of that blood sucker, then I'm all ears.

<Be>Connie:</Be> Dracula?

<Be>Seamon:</Be> No. My boss. Anyway, on the lighter side of the news! Sin City Wrestling has arrived here in Romania, Bucharest to be more precise, and they will be appearing at the Dinamo Polyvalent Hall where seven big matches will take place.

<Be>Connie:</Be> Only one of which matters.

<Be>Seamon:</Be> Now I'm not certain that I can agree with that, Connie. There are several great matches, including a world title main event...

<Be>Connie:</Be> yes but this promo isn't about any of them, is it? This is about one match in particular. Namely the mixed tag team match.

<Be>Seamon:</Be> Yes, indeedy do! A mixed tag team match featuring the reigning Internet Champion for babes, er, Bombshells, Roxi Johnson, teaming with the feature attraction of this promo...

<Be>Connie:</Be> Angel?

<Be>Seamon:</Be> No... but the next best thing! Despayre!

<Be>Connie:</Be> ..... Oh. Well, that's okay too -- I suppose. And they will be opposing the tag team combination of Roxi's top contender, Krissy Flipaswitch...

<Be>Seamon:</Be> I believe that's Filopovich.

<Be>Connie:</Be> Hey I was close.

<Be>Seamon:</Be> And the man that Despayre himself will be opposing, namely Travis Nathaniel Andrews, otherwise known as Mister TNA. Connie, what chances do you think Despayre will have in the ring against Mister TNA?

<Be>Connie:</Be> Well before I can answer that, I have a small question of my own.

<Be>Seamon:</Be> Certainly! What is it?

<Be>Connie:</Be> Who IS this guy!?

The two news journalists turn and stare into the camera for a moment as a cricket could be heard loud and proud in the background. They then continue their witty banter about the upcoming wrestling event and one match in particular.

<Be>Seamon:</Be> An excellent question, Connie! Just who is this Travis Nathaniel Andrews and why does he feel he belongs inside of the ring against a proven tag team specialist and multiple time winner of the World Tag Team Championship, namely Despayre. My first theory, Connie, is that Mister TNA is out to attempt to use this match, and his opponent, as a means to an end. A way to catapult himself into stardom in SCW by besting one of their ... best?

<Be>Connie:</Be> Well that might be his intention but it never turns out the way that these people expect. He wants to become a household name, or SCW name at least, at Despayre's expense, and what do you suppose is going to happen? The exact same thing that happens every time that someone else attempts to do the same.

<Be>Seamon:</Be> Now that's not entirely true. Andrew Watts was victorious against Despayre's team in the third annual Blast From the Past tournament.

<Be>Connie:</Be> But he wasn't victorious against Despayre himself. That match ended between Misty and Despayre's partner at the time, Amanda Cortez. Mister TNA could stand to learn a thing or two from the example his predecessors set.

<Be>Seamon:</Be> Like how to stay out of the ring?

<Be>Connie:</Be> I couldn't have said it better myself.

<Be>Seamon:</Be> Well it stands to reason that will be within his best interests if he wants to avoid from suffering defeat at the hands of Despayre. The former three-time SCW Tag Team Champion of the World has met and bested many of the sport's top names, and while mostly in tag team competition, mixed tag teams are a different matter. As it is only the men versus the men and the ladies against the ladies allowed, it's something like a number of singles matches all rolled into one. Mister TNA against Despayre in a singles match only spells disaster for the Man Who Should Have Been Named Mister SCW.

<Be>Connie:</Be> Yes... well! I think that's enough for the match commentary for now. Stay tuned for our next editorial and just how our experts predict Despayre will defeat Travis Nathaniel Andrews once they set foot inside of the six-sided ring.

"Are you absotively sure this is posilutely necessary?"

"Will you just trust Bear? We have to get inside of the castle if we hope to end the reign of terror of these dastardly vampires. And if it comes to this..."

"Easy for you to say! You're not the one standing up here inn this goofy outfit."

"Hey Angel's fellow guardian stayed up all night sewing that to fit you. The very least you could do is..."

"Alright! Alright! I'm going!" Despayre, aka Screw Loose, grumbled as he climbed the steps, clad not in his ultra cool superhero costume -- but in a Girl Scout uniform. With a small box tucked under her, er, his arms...

"His!"

ALRIGHT! -- His arms! He walked up and grasped the door knocker and gave it a rap three times before he paused to wait. He looked quickly back over his shoulder and gave a thumbs up, and from her hiding spot, Roxi Johnson aka Commando Corset (clad in sexy lingerie of course -- and a mask!), returned the gesture with one of her own. The sound of the doors slowly beginning to open twisted Despayre's head back around and he put on his best and brightest smile -- no small feat considering he was also wearing his long, black hair in two "Pippy Longstocking" style braids and a pair of glasses that magnified his eyes many times over.

Ad there, standing in the door of the grad castle, was none other than their chief target, Dracula himself. The vampire lord looked over this strange bespectacled spectacle before he raised an eyebrow and spoke, "Yes?"

"Girl Scouts!" Skrew Loose called out cheerily. "I want to sell you my cookies!"

A soft snort of subdued laughter emanated from the box in his hands and Despayre gave it a quick shake to silence it, turning his attention back to Dracula who looked at him questioningly.

"Girl Scout Cookies?" Dracula questioned. "Here? In Romania?"

"Yessir!" Skrew Loose smiled. "It's all part of the international Ghoul, er, Girl Scout Exchange program! Now, I have Peanut Butter Patties, Savannah Smiles, Rah-Rah Raisins..."

"Thin Mints?" Dracula inquired hopefully, looking to the box with eager eyes.

"Ah HA!" Skrew Loose held a hand up and smiled widely. "Our most popular item!"

And with that, Despayre popped the lid on the box off, and out leapt Angel aka Beast Bear, but you know he doesn't need a costume. He's Angel! The small plush pal of Despayre's crashed into Dracula with a vortex kick that sent the Lord of Vampires crashing back into the castle and through a wall.

"Woo hoo hoo!" Despayre chirped merrily as he raced into the castle, calling, "C'mon Commando! Let's take these suckers down!"

And Roxi aka Commando Corset, came running into the castle, and it seemed that whenever she did run, it was entirely in slow motion so that all appropriate scantily clad parts moved in just the right way. Only when Dracula emerged from the large hole in his castles' wall with an enraged look of fury on his face did her movements speed up and she took flight and barreled right into him, knocking him through another wall.

"Hey we're not gonna have to pay for repairs, are we!?" Skrew Loose called and Angel used a broken pole to catapult himself up and over his buddy's head and crash into the form of Dracula's unwitting slave, Renfield, who tried to sneak up from behind with a scythe in hand.

"Of course not!" Bear Beast answered. "They're the bad guys. It's alright to destroy anything of the bad guys."

Skrew Loose turned to the emerging Roxi and held his arms out in wonder. "You see? There are so many things that we as non-teddy bears simply don't understand."

"Protect the master!" Came a heralding cry from the castle's door and the heroes turned their heads to spy the gypsy servants of the vampires swarm into the castle, armed to the teeth with various instruments that do badders do'd!

Despayre grabbed a staff and reared to meet one Romani warrior in battle but that battle was cut short as the gypsy sliced the staff into two pieces. Despayre stared at the poles with wide eyes, then went to swing one of the pieces at his attacker but the gypsy met the blow with a martial arts kicked that knocked it from his grasp! Despayre then tried to use the second piece but it too was kicked from his hand!

"Aw nuts to this!" Despayre sighed and he promptly kicked the attacker right in the bojangles, dropping him hard and fast! Despayre then promptly skipped away to rejoin his comrades in battle, whistling a merry tune.

The gypsies pet werewolf snarled up towards Angel who prepared to meet this most slobbering of all beasts when of all things, the teddy bear warrior whipped a big, juicy steak bone from behind his back and waved it at the werewolf to gain its attention! Angel then turned and gave it a toss out the window -- and the howling werewolf dove out after the tasty treat...

Wuh-OH! The werewolf's eyes bugged out and it scrambled to reach the window once again, right before it plummeted down into the castle's moat!

"That works too!"

Roxi was taking on the remaining two gypsies in unarmed combat, handling herself quite successfully! I'd say it was a shame the same could not be said for the bad guys, but they are bad guys and we're not supposed to be rooting for them now are we? One of the Romani males swung at Roxi but his hand struck her perky bosoms and caused the blow to ricochet back and he ended up punching himself right between the eyes. Little birds circled his head and his eyes rolled around and he collapsed to the ground. Roxi then turned to meet the second in combat again but her teammate Angel, aka Bear Beast, grabbed the man by the ankle and slammed him back and forth into the ground, over and over, beating him senseless!

"Hey! That one was mine!" Despayre aka Skrew Loose cried.

"You can have the next one." Angel replied, casually tossing the enemy aside.

"But I wanted that one."

"Perhaps I'll do instead." Dracula said, reemerging again from the fresh hole, his eyes now emblazoned in a blood red hue, a testament of his vampiric fury!

"Sure!" Despayre spun around, eager to fight the good fight. He was a superhero after all! "I'll take you d...Nyah nyah nyah!" He did the Three Stooges reaction, seeing who had spoken. All three of the heroes of B.E.A.R....

"Seriously! What does that stand for!?"

"I'll let you know when I figure it out!"

All three stood ready to defeat this king of all dark things when suddenly a stake plunged itself through Dracula's chest! The eyes of the heroes were wide with surprise as were the Vampire Lord's! He slowly started to sink but a powerful hand held him up and from behind him stood the dreaded Blood Countess with a twisted grin on her face.

She cooed to the heroes, "Oh my dear 'Lord' had no idea what I had truly planned for this evening! Luring you here was just a distraction for the poor fool. What I truly wanted was to bathe in his immortal blood, and it's energies will keep me young and beautiful forever!"

"Beautiful?" Despayre questioned with an arched eyebrow.

"Yes, beautiful!" Bathory screeched. "Now I go to carry out the ceremony! And just to ensure you won't disturb a lady's bath..."

She snapped her fingers and from the shadows, doors, nooks and crannies ... from outside the castle and crawling through the windows came what had to be dozens upon dozens of the undead!

Skrew Loose said, "And not a single one sparkles!"

Together Roxi and Angel shouted, "VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE!"

"Alright! Alright!"

"We must stop her!" Angel called. "If she bathes in Dracula's blood she will be unbeatable!"

"Hey!" Despayre said. "I have an idea!" Corset Commando and Bear Beast turned to stare at him and he huffed, hands on hips, "Oh don't look so surprised!"

"Go!" Angel commanded. "I'll hold these fangs off!"

"All of them!?" Roxi cried.

"Just go!" Angel ordered. "I have a plan!"

"You heard the bear!" Despayre called as he hopped on Roxi's back ala piggy back ride and they blew a path through the converging vampires to chase Bathory up into the castles' upper levels! Meanwhile, the growling, snarling (and slobbering) vampires surrounded the tiny teddy bear by the dozens...

And back to the news studio!

<Be>Seamon:</Be> Oooo! Be amazed! Will Angel be vampire chow? Will Despayre and Roxi be in time to enact the plan of Skrew Loose and defeat Elizabeth Bathory?"

<Be>Connie:</Be> "Will you get it though your head that the author of this promo isn't about to let anything bad happen to the stars?"

<Be>Seamon:</Be> "Well alright! I was just trying to stir the pot o'excitement! Now in addressing the upcoming mixed tag team match, Despayre's tag team partner, the buoyant Roxi Johnson will be tested for the third time against the woman who has taken her to extreme lengths in each and every encounter, Krissy Filopovich... wasthatright?"

<Be>Connie:</Be> "Yes!"

<Be>Seamon:</Be> "Kick ass! And despite the fact that Krissy has emerged as Roxi's biggest threat to date, Despayre has all the confidence that the champion can and will be able to handle herself again inside of the ring. It is Travis Nathaniel Andrews who Despayre himself will have to be concerned about!"

<Be>Connie:</Be> "Do you seriously believe that TNA has anything to make Despayre be concerned with?"

<Be>Seamon:</Be> "Aside from an abnormally large honker of a nose? Not especially, but you know there's an art to these promos. One must address the possibility of what an opponent can accomplish against the star inside of the ring."

<Be>Connie:</Be> "True, but when that opponent happens to be a nose-in-the-air snob like TNA, it by passes promo talk and becomes lip service, and not the dirty kind. The kind where you just say that he has a chance to hurt Despayre for the sole purpose of making him feel good."

<Be>Seamon:</Be> "Yeah and we don't want to make Mister TA feel good now do we? Despayre certainly does not. He admittedly is inside of the ring to have a good time and have fun, most of the time at the expense of his opponents, but in general he's a nice kid."

<Be>Connie:</Be> "Right up until his opponent does something to tick him off, and if anyone can press Despayre's buttons, it'll be this yahoo he's up against in TNA. And unfortunately for Mister Andrews, it'll be an action that equals his personal and professional swan song."

<Be>Seamon:</Be> "Oo! I liked that!"

<Be>Connie:</Be> "Thank you! This goes out to TNA and his supporters, all two of them. Play it smart buddy. If you manage to tag out, stay tagged out! Avid any and all physical contact with Despayre if you want to have any chances at sparking that considerable ego of yours from any bruising. Defeat is at hand. It's a given!"

<Be>Seamon:</Be> "Just stand back and let your partner take it, eh?"

The snarling grew louder as the vampires grew closer towards Angel who readied himself! It all looked lost as the small teddy bear was a fighter through and through, the best in his battalion against the forces of darkness! Still! The numbers were on the sides of the vampires when all of a sudden... an arrow shot through the air and took out two of the vampires at once! They fell in a heap, causing confusion, when something was then hard in the distance, fast approaching. It was the battle cry that caused fear to chill the spines of even the darkest of demons and foulest of the foul! It was...

"If you go down to the woods today
You're sure of a big surprise.
If you go down to the woods today
You'd better go in disguise!"

"For every bear that ever there was
Will gather there for certain,
Because today's the day the
Teddy Bears have their picnic."

The vampires slowly turned their heads as over the horizon outside of the caste's walls emerged an army of their most dreaded of enemies -- teddy bears! Flags of the Teddy Bear Nation waved about in the wind as a lone teddy beat the drum against his fuzzy belly, announcing their arrival. Angel's battalion had come!

Teddy bears of all shapes, colors and sizes fast approached the castle as the vampires within fearfully prepared to face this force that none could face! The teddy bears poured through the castle doors and windows in waves and the war was on!

One little bear in a kimono spun around in the air ala the Matrix with two swords in her hands and cut a path of destruction! Little hearts floated above Angel's head as he watched his 'crush' do what she did best!

Another teddy dressed in Rambo garb opened fire with his F2000 Assault Rifle!

More and more teddy bears swarmed the vampire masses, outnumbering them by ten to one as Angel jumped into the mass, not one to stand by when there was fighting the forces of evil to be do'd!

***

The cast iron cage with bars adored with sharp spikes, held the now deceased Vampire King, Dracula, within it's confines. His flesh was paler than normal as it had been drained down into the porcelain bathtub beneath it, in the center of the otherwise empty room. The sound of the chains holding the cage aloft over the tub creaked with a dismal finality as Elizabeth Bathory stood starkers at the tub's side, staring up at the figure in the cage. A smile crossed her lips as she breathed in the scents of death and decay. She then stepped forward and placed her foot into the crimson within, then climbed in the rest of the way and lied back with a soft and contented sigh.

Until, that is, she discovered suddenly that something was wrong! Smoke started to rise from her skin and her eyes widened.

"No..." She cried and started to climb from the tub but fell back in with a wet, red splash! She struggled but the tub's contents acted as corrosive to her undead skin and she started to  shrivel up, screaming in immortal agony as she was reduced to her true age and finally she was nothing more than skeletal remains -- remains that slowly submerged beneath the contents of the bath tub.

Only then did Roxi drew the curtains away and she and Despayre stepped out with mutual expressions of amazeballs on their faces.

"Wow." Roxi exclaimed. "What did you switch the blood with?"

"V8!" Despayre declared, then looked to Roxi knowingly. "The spicy kind!" He tapped his forehead and Roxi simply turned to look into the bathtub and she nodded.



"Thanks for spending the time with him." Synn said as he opened the door to his hotel room and allowed Roxi Johnson and Keira Fisher to set foot out into the hall. "I'm just sorry he couldn't stay awake for the entire vampire movie marathon he promised you."

"Oh it's alright." Roxi smiled, snaking her arm around Keira's waistline. "I'm just curios as to what he'd been dreaming about since he fell asleep."

Synn looked back over his shoulder to the form of the diminutive shape covered in a blanket on the suite's sofa. He turned back to the two ladies and nodded, "You and me both. Sleep well."

"Good night Synn." Roxi said, as did her wife, and they made for their own room as Synn closed the door behind them and headed for the suite's bedroom, not wanting to wake his son and disturb his sleep for the sole purpose of putting him in bed. He seemed comfortable enough where he was after all.

Synn turned off all the lights and calmly went to bed.

Some time later when the night sky seemed at it's darkest, there was a soft rap on the door of the hotel suite.

Despayre stirred beneath his blanket until he kicked it off of his body and stood up sleepily in his sock feet. With Angel in his arms, he stumbled towards the door, so tired his eyes were barely open. He reached the door and unlocked it before he pulled it open with a twist of the handle. he gazed with tired eyes at the statuesque form standing in front of him, shrouded in darkness.

"Good evening." The vampire lord stated. "Permit me to introduce myself. I am..."

SLAM!

Despayre slammed the door in Dracula's face and calmly went back to bed as if nothing else had happened.

"Told you vampires sparkle."