[Alex Rush]

Alex Rush? On an SCW card? Surely not! As your narrator, and no, not the same one used by Speedo Barthart.... guys, can someone put in a Sideshow Bob shuddering gif... or is it pronounced jif? I dunno, do you? Can someone put one on the screen now please?



Thank you come again! No wait, that's Apu.



God damn it, did you guys put in an Apu gif too? Excellllent.... no, don't you dare! I'm never gonna get through this if not!

***CRICKETS CHIRP***

You'd never guess what I've been watching before narrating this, would you? Ahem, anyway, thank you. Right, let's get on with the narration, I'm doing this late and I really must get to bed. Yeah, Alex Rush is on an SCW card, in India no less, how did that happen? It's been a completely low key career for Alex since he lost the SCU Tag titles with his good old rhino friend, yes to you new people, he teamed with an actual rhino, not like the one in Ace Ventura 2, an actual rhino and taught the world many things about the rhino, like rhino's really like sushi. Since losing those tag titles, he didn't really do a lot, well, he did a lot of what he was doing when he got the call from Christian, you'll see what that was in a minute, but in terms of wrestling, the odd match here that was unsuccessful, and the odd match there.... That was equally unsuccessful. He made an appearance or two elsewhere to keep his music in the spotlight, remember, rockstar first, wrestler second, but most of the time, he sat at home in his pants watching sad movies, that's where Christian found him after all those months of no contact.

Westminister, London, England

Alex Rush sat in his underwear, union jack boxer shorts, with tears in his eyes as he watched Lassie on his huge television. His hair was more unkempt then usual, his beard had grown longer and more scruffy then his somewhat neater beard on television. Alex sniffs back a tear.

Alex: I love that little guy, such an inspiration.

Next to him on a side table, a bowl of popcorn sat, and his hand reached in, taking a handful before throwing it up in the air. He opens his mouth, but only one piece falls in, the rest fall all over the place. He glances towards his phone to see a video call incoming and without looking at the name, he picks it up and answer.

Alex: Yellow!?

Christian Underwood's face appears on the phone.

Christian: Alex! Good to see... are you crying?

Alex: Ugh, ummm, no, I got erm, popcorn in my eye, and I think up my nose too, have a look for me guv.

Alex tilts the camera to angle it with a shot up his nose, causing Christian to wince.

Christian: No, it's fine... I guess, I don't know, I don't care. Look, I'm just calling you about a match.

Alex: You wanna borrow a match? I mean, I'm probably nowhere near you or anything but if you tell me where you are, I will send over one of the rhinos with two matches, just in case you drop the other one in a puddle or something. Is it raining where you are? I dunno, but I know those puddles appear everywhere. One time, I was walking down the road in the sunshine, right? And all of a sudden, bam! Fell right down a hole and in to a puddle!

Christian looks confused by this comment.

Christian: Did you fall down the sewer?

Alex looks up with a look of confusion on his face.

Alex: Puddles, sewer, same difference although this puddle made me proper pong a bit. I couldn't stop smelling like a wet dog for days. Everyone said to me a shower would help but they didn't know for sure.

Christian mutters under his breath.

Christian: Why did I even call this....

He clears his throat.

Christian: Look, Alex, SCU closed as you obviously know.

Alex Rush looks around with an innocent look on his face.

Alex: Obviously...

Christian: And as you was a former SCW guy, we'd like to bring you back in for a few shows, starting with next Sunday.

Alex: I will be on the next plane to Vegas bossy man!

Christian: We're not in Vegas, we're in India.

Alex: Well, if you're in Indiana, why do you want me to wrestle in Vegas, where you always have wrestling shows, or California, I like it there, so many boobies, and sometimes Arizona, I don't like it there, dry heat plays havoc with me skinny, winny, win. Makes me go all wrinkled like a prune.

Christian: First off, it's India.

Alex: Like India Jones? Bloke with the cool hat and kinky whip?

Christian: No, India, as in the country, India. We're on tour there and we want you to come on this tour of India to wrestle Godly Ken Davison.

Alex: Wait, you want me to wrestle God, in Indiana? I dunno if I could do that cause God is like bigger then me, he's like bigger then Jesus!

Christian: INDIA! INDIA, FOR GOD'S SAKE ALEX! INDIA!

Alex: Wait, is it for his sake or do I have to wrestle him, am I wrestling him for his sake or just cause?

Christian: Alex, just get to India.

Alex: Maybe later bossy man, I'm just popping out for a curry.

Christian: Curry's come from India. Alex.

Alex: Not the one I'm getting, it's coming from down by the river, nice little place, very red inside, lots of statues of elephants.

Christian: Curry originally comes from India, Alex.

Alex's eyes widen and he wags his finger at the camera.

Alex: Oh, THAT India, where it's like proper busy and dead people swim down the river and such like the day after they die? I think that's weird, I mean why would you die and then decide to just go swimming for a bit? I'd be like balls, I've lost the ability to walk, or talk, or breathe, I don't think I'd take a break from worrying about that to go for a little dip. That's just bonkers.

Christian sighs.

Christian: So are you coming to India or not?

Alex: I will be there with bells on... Not real bells, because that would be so annoying on a flight to Indiana

Christian: India...

Alex: Yeah, that's what I said, India Jones, bells on would be so annoying, imagine being in the old flying tube and you hit turbulence and the plane bounced up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down.

Christian: Do you have a point?

Alex: Yeah, the bells would be ringing all the time and that will be annoying.

Christian: Great, anyway, see you next week.

Alex: Alright, ta-rah for a bit!

Alex hangs up the phone and turns to the side where his two pet rhino's Robert-Edwin and Edwin-Robert turn their heads towards him.

Alex: Looks like we're off to India chaps, I dunno how many seats we're gonna need to get you two and ya big bums on the plane, but we will figure it out.

Alex taps his chin.

Alex: Now this Godly Ken bloke, I'm sure he's great in the ring, I'm sure he can kick a lot of derriere, but I'm gonna train, I'm gonna train hard right now. I'm gonna train for India!

Narrator here again, hello all, let's just say we fast forwarded here for about half an hour or so and we can literally join Alex training for India.... Did you notice he said train for India and not the match? Yep, here's why.

Half an hour later in The Bengal restaurant on the river Thames, Alex rush sits at a table on his own as a waiter stands in front of him.

Alex: Right, me little duck, I am off to India next week and it's time to get in to fighting shape, it's time to be ready for India, so give me the hottest, spiciest Vindaloo the bloke in the big white hat out there can make.

Alex rubs his hands together as he waits, casually drinking a bottle of Cobra beer. It didn't take long before the food arrives in front of him.

Alex: Gonna smash this.

The camera cuts to outside the restaurant with a view of the river, a nice peaceful night in the city, until.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

The screaming voice of Alex can be heard from inside the restaurant before we see him burst through the door.

Alex: Water! Water!

Seeing the river right next to him, Alex quickly leaps over the railing and in to the River Thames! He plants his face in the water, before pulling it out again.

Alex: IT STILL BURNS!!!!

He tries again to extinguish the heat around his face by dipping his face under water again before gripping the bars of the railing and pulling himself up.

Alex: Training never used to be this hard. I shoulda got a kebab.

And with that ladies and gents, it's time to leave, Alex eventually got himself out of the river to face that Vindaloo once more, needless to say, he was back in the river minutes later, sadly this repeated itself many times, until he got distracted by a dog that looked like Lassie, and that is what you call a tie in. He will see you once again in India. Goodnight ladies and gents.