NO JOKING OR JESTING. . .JUST SERIOUS ASS KICKING
Narrator: King For The Day Vinnie has assigned Bill Barnhart and Austin James Mercer to a Royal Court Jester Match. King Vinnie placed the rules of this match that in order to win the match you must totally remove the Jester outfit your opponent is wearing. There’s no doubt in my mind that Bill Barnhart will be the one to rip the Jester outfit off Austin James Mercer for the win. I just hope Bill doesn’t end up taking too much off of Mercer or there may be some censoring in order by the Network.
The scene changes and we are taken to the dressing room area that Bill Barnhart is using during Climax Control 302. The camera gets a shot of Bill and we see he dressed in his Court Jester outfit, complete with a felt hat that has bells on the ends of the rim so it rings when he moves around, and he has a very elaborate Jester Scepter which he is holding in his hand. Bill walks around for a bit before taking a seat on the couch and laying the Jester Scepter next to him. Bill looks into the camera to give his presentation leading up to his Court Jester match against Austin James Mercer.
Bill: Thanks for joining me. As you can see Bea and Iris are not here in the dressing room area with me. Iris isn’t here because I don’t want Management to get upset with me having her in the venue. They did, however, give me permission so that Iris can join me if I have a meet the fans thing going on but only for a short time and only in the backstage area. As for Bea she has a bit of a headache so she decided to stay in our hotel room and relax to help make the headache go away.
Bill pauses his comments to take a bite out of the slice of pepperoni pizza he has on a plate on the coffee table. He then picks up a can of Classic Coke, pops the top, and downs the entire can of Classic Coke. The carbonation, of course, does have an effect.
Bill: Buuuuurrrrrppppp!!!!! Oops! Excuse me! Too much carbonation at one time. Before I jump into comments for my Court Jester match with Austin James Mercer I’d like to get a few things that need to be put out there for public scrutiny out of the way.
Bill again pauses to eat some of his pepperoni pizza but this time he doesn’t drink Classic Coke so that he won’t be likely to burp loudly on television again.
Bill: Well, Austin, things didn’t go as me and Bea thought they would. That’s how things work in the sport of wrestling. Things can change quickly in a match and the wrestlers need to accept how it went. Bea took a hard shot from Tempest on the outside of the ring and that allowed Tempest to pin Bea for the win. The bottom line is we accept the decision in the match and move on to the next match. Austin I’m truly amused because just when you thought you two winning the Mixed Tag Team Championship would get you away from me, so you wouldn’t have to deal with me again for a very long time, Vinnie, serving as King For The Day, assigned you to face me in a Royal Court Jester Match. The rules are simple. Both wrestlers have to wear a Court Jester outfit and the winner is the wrestler who can completely remove the Jester outfit their opponent is wearing. This will be easy for me to accomplish. I also thank King Vinnie for this match because the Mixed Tag Team Championship match was won when Tempest pinned Bea therefore you and I have unfinished business between us that I’ll take care of in our Court Jester match.
Barnhart again pauses and this time he finishes off the pepperoni pizza slice and again he doesn’t take a drink of Classic Coke so he won’t burp on camera again.
A JESTER’S RESPONSIBILITIES
Bill: Austin although in a Kingdom the person serving as Court Jester has responsibilities to tell jokes, perform tricks, and make people laugh, that’s not what I’m in this match for. There will be no joking. There will be no jesting. There will be no tricks performed. I’m coming into this match to quickly rip the Court Jester outfit off of you for the victory. Since the Mixed Tag Team Championship match didn’t turn out the way my team wanted it to I accept the Referee’s decision on the match and move forward. However, Austin, you noticed that when the two of us were in the ring you were powerless against me. I was the Kryptonite to your thoughts that you are Superman. You were unable to pin me or apply an effective submission hold. I had you beat many times in that match but you somehow managed to tag Tempest back into the ring. Also the fact that you two had to resort to taking the match outside the ring numerous times, and our Referee failed to reprimand you two for violating the rules, disappoints me. However, Austin, I’m not like you where I lose a match and then whine, bitch, moan, and cry about the loss. Bea got taken out and Tempest got the pinfall on her and I congratulate you two on defeating us for the Championship. Of course we wanted to hold the Mixed Tag Team Championship longer than a week but stuff happens and we accept that. There will be more Championships coming our way but I’m not going to focus on what may or may not come our way down the line. I’m here to focus on humiliating you when I rip your Jester outfit off for the win. I assure you that you have nowhere to run and nowhere to hide from the beat down I’m going to give you.
Barnhart smiles into the camera before continuing with his comments.
TWO WAYS OF LOOKING AT AUSTIN JAMES MERCER
Bill: I’d like to run a short video showing two ways of looking at things and both of the way of looking at things portray you very well on how people should be looking at you.
The video begins to pay and we see three men walking down the street. The three stop when they see something on the sidewalk that, to us anyway, appears to be a pile of dog shit. Instead of simply walking around the dog shit they stop and start discussing with each other what this item could be, and the ways they can determine what the item is, then we see and hear the following.
First Man: *squats down and picks up the dog shit with his hand* Well this thing sure feels like shit. *the man replaces the dog shit on the sidewalk then he stands up next to the other two men*
Second Man: *squats down and places his face near the dog shit and takes a deep breath through his nose* Well it certainly smell like shit. *the second man stands up and joins the other two men*
Third Man: *squats down and picks up the dog shit, brings his hand to his mouth, and places the dog shit into his mouth. He gags and nearly pukes when he tastes the foul taste of the dog shit* Well this thing really does taste like dog shit. So since it feels like shit, smells like shit, and tastes like shit, it damn sure must be shit. Sure glad we didn’t step in it. *he then stands up and joins the other two men*
The three men take off down the sidewalk satisfied they solved the mystery of what the item was on the sidewalk and even more proud of themselves for not accidentally stepping in the dog shit.
The video ends and we return to a shot of Bill Barnhart.
WHAT IS THE BOTTOM LINE?
Bill: Austin I told you I’d show you a video and explain the references pertaining to you. The first reference is that you’re as worthless as a pile of dog shit on the sidewalk. The second reference is that you’re like those three men. Any intelligent person would have immediately recognized the item on the sidewalk as a pile of dog shit and they would have simply walked around it. But, no, the three idiots in the video had to touch it, smell it, and taste it, to confirm that it was, in fact, dog shit, and only after they defiled themselves did they decide to walk around the dog shit and continue on their way. That’s a perfect depiction of you Austin. You’re about as useless and disgusting as a pile of dog shit. You’re also a non-logical person who cannot think things through intelligently so you have to defile yourself first, like the three men in the video did, before you’re able to understand what is going on.
Bill decides to open another can of Classic Coke and he again downs the entire thing.
Bill: Buuuuurrrrrppppp!!!!! Oh, yeah, that felt good and defeating you Austin will feel even better! So, Austin, what’s the bottom line concerning our match? The simple definition is that I win and you lose but I want to take it further than that. When I quickly, and soundly, defeat you, half your fans will defect from you and come over to support me. When I quickly, and soundly defeat you, Management will send you back to the bottom of the Roster for you to work hard and earn your way back into contention for Championships. And don’t even try to state that you earned a shot at the Mixed Tag Team Championship because you didn’t earn a damn thing! That shot at the Mixed Tag Team Championship was handed to you by the Queen For The Day and both you and Tempest did nothing but complain about being handed that Title shot. In our Royal Court Jester match you can’t rely on Tempest to drag Bea to the outside of the ring, in violation of the rules, and attack her to beat her down for the win over me. No, Austin, there’s none of that crap in our match. It’s just you and me and I’ll absolutely, positively, overwhelmingly, without a doubt, defeat you so soundly that you may even leave the the sport of wrestling and go into retirement to avoid further humiliation. Thanks to those who tuned in to listen to my comments.
When the camera person hears Bill’s closing line he calls into the Network to inform them that his job airing Bill’s comments is finished. The Network cuts the feed and our screen goes dark for a short time before the Network puts up some commercials.
