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Climax Control Archives / -Monster-
« on: December 21, 2018, 05:48:11 PM »
“‘You’re off the edge of the map mate...here there be monsters.” - Hector Barbossa
*The scene opens to show a white metal panelled building and immediately we hear screams of pain as the camera pans down to show the rugged, time-tested features of The Iceman Levi Russow standing in a punked out denim jacket, a raggedy Clash t-shirt, ripped jeans, and ratty Chuck Taylors...you’d never know he was a millionaire by the way he dressed. He stands with his hands clasped in front of him as he rolls his neck around giving it a pop before acknowledging the camera as the screams of agony roll on in the background.*
The Iceman Levi Russow: You know...who I am. See that’s no secret, I’ve been in this business for TWENTY. YEARS. If you HAVEN’T heard my name then you’ve just either been oblivious...or you haven’t made it out of the minor leagues yet. See for years I WAS the trend...I WAS the measuring stick that every other Johnny Badass in a Tapout shirt tried to measure up to in this business. From Bangkok, to Berlin, from Tuscany to Tokyo, from New York to LA I was and STILL AM one of the most sought after properties in the world of professional wrestling.
*A HUGE crash thuds as we hear an absolute shriek of bloody murder echo from nearby. Levi smiles and rubs his fingers against his bottom lip.*
The Iceman Levi Russow: Don’t you worry about that...that’s just a little present we’ve got for, what’s his name? Joshua Acquin? Ah-kin? Might as well be Aching by the time you get done meeting a close, personal friend of mine. See osh, if I could be afforded the time to tell you a little story...I was working a territory somewhere around St. Louis where I was doing an autograph signing. Now that’s not much of a story, I grant you that but being in a podunk little suburb signing autographs in a community center isn’t much better of a backdrop. Sign the picture, take the picture if they pay, move on to the next...that whole song and dance. Until about the end of the line comes...and the light in the room just...vanished.
*Levi stretches his hands out in front of him as his eyes grow large.*
The Iceman Levi Russow: I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on until I looked up...and standing in front of me was a mountain. One of THE biggest men I had ever seen in my life standing next to a little pistol of a southern belle. And he was BLUSHING. He was blushing at me and waving like a little kid. And his mama walked him right up to me and slapped that money down and I signed that autograph and he came around dwarfing me lookin’ for a picture. His mama had to damn near stand against the furthest wall to get us into frame, I myself had to stand on a damn chair just to get close enough to his height to put my arm around him! And d’you know what happened when I put my arm around him, Josh?
...he fainted.
The Iceman Levi Russow: Now we didn’t have a forklift or a tow truck handy so we just had to stand there tryin’ to revive him the old fashioned way. Finally the boy came to, the first thing he saw was me, and he started damn near cryin’! And then I heard it...I heard it come from the crowd.
“HEY YOU OLD BITCH, MOVE IT ALREADY! WE WANT OUR TURN!”
The Iceman Levi Russow: ...now they done it. Some poor soul called this monster’s mama a bitch. And suddenly he shot STRAIGHT UP absolutely seething. She kept patting him on the arm tellin’ him “Now Herbert, honey, it’s okay just let it go.” but I heard the monster snarl “Who. Said. That.” and this sizable man who’d obviously had a couple beers steps up and with a CRACK was right back down. BOOM! One shot! And then...almost as if on cue...kid was back to normal. So I get to talkin’ to his mom and she starts tellin’ me what a big fan o’ mine he is and how he lives in her basement but he has this...this TEMPER problem. And whenever someone causes him to lose his temper he snaps into a blackout rage and doesn’t snap back until whatever pissed him off is done-zo. She said because of that...he could never have a regular job.
...who needs a regular job when you just got handed Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket?
“OH GOD MY LEG...PLEASE MERCIFUL HEAVENS NO MORE!”
The Iceman Levi Russow: And so I asks the kid…”I need a new security guard...how’d you like to come join me on the road.” and after he woke up AGAIN...we were off to the races. I never SEEN nothin’ like this kid before! But he still can’t be on his own so I move him in with me an my wife Emma...he instantly takes up with our three kids. Loves ‘em. And so’s I ask him one day, I says “What do you REALLY wanna be doing with your life, kid?” and he says he wants to be a wrestler. Bout this time...both Em and I hang it up in the ring. It’s not that we CAN’T go anymore, it’s that we got kids now, it’s time to be responsible. So I think about it...who better to train him than me!? That’s right Joshy Woshy...I hand trained your opponent...would ya like to meet him?
*Levi crosses his hands in front of him and turns walking to the left as we see an open loading bay door with a ring inside with four men littered on the outside and a behemoth of a man in the middle of the ring holding a slightly smaller man over his head before throwing him over the top rope crashing through the wooden bleachers. As he turns and focuses on the last man...standing? Levi turns and faces the camera again.*
The Iceman Levi Russow: Welcome to Herbert Whipplebottom the IV...otherwise affectionately known as Slappy McGoo. What you’re seein’ right now is mid blackout...what set him off? I told him all those guys said Firefly deserved to be cancelled after one season. D’you know what I’m gonna tell him YOU said?
...I’m gonna tell him you said his daughter looks like a monkey...see how you have fun with that.
*Levi snaps his fingers*
Levi Russow: YO SLAP! MILKSHAKES HERE!
*Almost as if nothing happened at all we see Slappy shake his head, let go of the petrified man in the ring, and come barreling up to Levi who hands him a giant chocolate milkshake.*
Slappy McGoo: AWW CHOCOLATE! HECK YEAH! Thanks boss you’re the BEST!
*Slappy starts chugging too fast and winds up grabbing his head from brain freeze as he turns around and sees the carnage behind him growing a look of fear and concern on his face.*
Slappy McGoo: OH MY! What happened here!? Is everyone alright!?
Levi Russow: Don’t you worry about it Slap...they were bad guys who got what was comin’ to ‘em.
*Levi slowly turns back to the camera with an almost sinister look on his face as Slappy keeps surveying the landscape giving himself brain freeze.*
Levi Russow: ...right, Josh? We’ll see you at Climax Control.
*The camera pans up to the sky as we fade to black.*
*The scene opens to show a white metal panelled building and immediately we hear screams of pain as the camera pans down to show the rugged, time-tested features of The Iceman Levi Russow standing in a punked out denim jacket, a raggedy Clash t-shirt, ripped jeans, and ratty Chuck Taylors...you’d never know he was a millionaire by the way he dressed. He stands with his hands clasped in front of him as he rolls his neck around giving it a pop before acknowledging the camera as the screams of agony roll on in the background.*
The Iceman Levi Russow: You know...who I am. See that’s no secret, I’ve been in this business for TWENTY. YEARS. If you HAVEN’T heard my name then you’ve just either been oblivious...or you haven’t made it out of the minor leagues yet. See for years I WAS the trend...I WAS the measuring stick that every other Johnny Badass in a Tapout shirt tried to measure up to in this business. From Bangkok, to Berlin, from Tuscany to Tokyo, from New York to LA I was and STILL AM one of the most sought after properties in the world of professional wrestling.
*A HUGE crash thuds as we hear an absolute shriek of bloody murder echo from nearby. Levi smiles and rubs his fingers against his bottom lip.*
The Iceman Levi Russow: Don’t you worry about that...that’s just a little present we’ve got for, what’s his name? Joshua Acquin? Ah-kin? Might as well be Aching by the time you get done meeting a close, personal friend of mine. See osh, if I could be afforded the time to tell you a little story...I was working a territory somewhere around St. Louis where I was doing an autograph signing. Now that’s not much of a story, I grant you that but being in a podunk little suburb signing autographs in a community center isn’t much better of a backdrop. Sign the picture, take the picture if they pay, move on to the next...that whole song and dance. Until about the end of the line comes...and the light in the room just...vanished.
*Levi stretches his hands out in front of him as his eyes grow large.*
The Iceman Levi Russow: I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on until I looked up...and standing in front of me was a mountain. One of THE biggest men I had ever seen in my life standing next to a little pistol of a southern belle. And he was BLUSHING. He was blushing at me and waving like a little kid. And his mama walked him right up to me and slapped that money down and I signed that autograph and he came around dwarfing me lookin’ for a picture. His mama had to damn near stand against the furthest wall to get us into frame, I myself had to stand on a damn chair just to get close enough to his height to put my arm around him! And d’you know what happened when I put my arm around him, Josh?
...he fainted.
The Iceman Levi Russow: Now we didn’t have a forklift or a tow truck handy so we just had to stand there tryin’ to revive him the old fashioned way. Finally the boy came to, the first thing he saw was me, and he started damn near cryin’! And then I heard it...I heard it come from the crowd.
“HEY YOU OLD BITCH, MOVE IT ALREADY! WE WANT OUR TURN!”
The Iceman Levi Russow: ...now they done it. Some poor soul called this monster’s mama a bitch. And suddenly he shot STRAIGHT UP absolutely seething. She kept patting him on the arm tellin’ him “Now Herbert, honey, it’s okay just let it go.” but I heard the monster snarl “Who. Said. That.” and this sizable man who’d obviously had a couple beers steps up and with a CRACK was right back down. BOOM! One shot! And then...almost as if on cue...kid was back to normal. So I get to talkin’ to his mom and she starts tellin’ me what a big fan o’ mine he is and how he lives in her basement but he has this...this TEMPER problem. And whenever someone causes him to lose his temper he snaps into a blackout rage and doesn’t snap back until whatever pissed him off is done-zo. She said because of that...he could never have a regular job.
...who needs a regular job when you just got handed Willy Wonka’s Golden Ticket?
“OH GOD MY LEG...PLEASE MERCIFUL HEAVENS NO MORE!”
The Iceman Levi Russow: And so I asks the kid…”I need a new security guard...how’d you like to come join me on the road.” and after he woke up AGAIN...we were off to the races. I never SEEN nothin’ like this kid before! But he still can’t be on his own so I move him in with me an my wife Emma...he instantly takes up with our three kids. Loves ‘em. And so’s I ask him one day, I says “What do you REALLY wanna be doing with your life, kid?” and he says he wants to be a wrestler. Bout this time...both Em and I hang it up in the ring. It’s not that we CAN’T go anymore, it’s that we got kids now, it’s time to be responsible. So I think about it...who better to train him than me!? That’s right Joshy Woshy...I hand trained your opponent...would ya like to meet him?
*Levi crosses his hands in front of him and turns walking to the left as we see an open loading bay door with a ring inside with four men littered on the outside and a behemoth of a man in the middle of the ring holding a slightly smaller man over his head before throwing him over the top rope crashing through the wooden bleachers. As he turns and focuses on the last man...standing? Levi turns and faces the camera again.*
The Iceman Levi Russow: Welcome to Herbert Whipplebottom the IV...otherwise affectionately known as Slappy McGoo. What you’re seein’ right now is mid blackout...what set him off? I told him all those guys said Firefly deserved to be cancelled after one season. D’you know what I’m gonna tell him YOU said?
...I’m gonna tell him you said his daughter looks like a monkey...see how you have fun with that.
*Levi snaps his fingers*
Levi Russow: YO SLAP! MILKSHAKES HERE!
*Almost as if nothing happened at all we see Slappy shake his head, let go of the petrified man in the ring, and come barreling up to Levi who hands him a giant chocolate milkshake.*
Slappy McGoo: AWW CHOCOLATE! HECK YEAH! Thanks boss you’re the BEST!
*Slappy starts chugging too fast and winds up grabbing his head from brain freeze as he turns around and sees the carnage behind him growing a look of fear and concern on his face.*
Slappy McGoo: OH MY! What happened here!? Is everyone alright!?
Levi Russow: Don’t you worry about it Slap...they were bad guys who got what was comin’ to ‘em.
*Levi slowly turns back to the camera with an almost sinister look on his face as Slappy keeps surveying the landscape giving himself brain freeze.*
Levi Russow: ...right, Josh? We’ll see you at Climax Control.
*The camera pans up to the sky as we fade to black.*