CANDY? MORE LIKE A CANDY ASS BARBIE GIRL WANNABE!
The official definition of the term “CANDY ASS” includes the following: A TIMID, COWARDLY, OR DESPICABLE PERSON. SOMEONE WHO IS SCARED OF TAKING CHANCES OF DOING THINGS THAT LOOK, OR ARE, DANGEROUS. There you have it. . .plain. . .simple. . .direct. . .to the point. . .and it fits the wrestler named Candy perfectly.
Narrator: The last time Bea and Candy met in the wrestling ring was at Blaze of Glory VIII on April 12, 2020. A hell of a lot has changed since that match. I turn you over to Bea Barnhart to allow her to explain to you what to expect in her match against Candy.
BACKGROUND WITH CANDY
When the scene shifts we see Bea Barnhart standing in front of the Reno Events Center in Reno, Nevada. It is approaching Noon time and the people walking the streets recognize Bea and shout greetings and wave to her and Bea responds with a smile and waves to her fans. Bea is in casual attire consisting of blue jeans, a black pullover shirt, and black athletic shoes. The camera person assigned to her keeps focused on Bea so we don’t miss anything she says or does and they ensure they’re not in a position where the hundreds of visitors will pass between their camera and Bea.
Bea: Thanks for tagging along with me while I present comments for my upcoming match against Candy on September 25, 2022. Well, Candy, I already know what you’re going to say. You’ll state. . .I mean you’ll try to brag and act tuff. . .by stating you defeated me in the one and only match we’ve had against each other. AHEM! Let me tell the viewers the truth so they won’t have to use bleach to sanitize their brains after listening to your lying bullshit! Our one and only match was on April 12, 2020, at Blaze of Glory VIII. It was a Ladder Match and you won the match to challenge for the Roulette Championship. But before you brag to the world let me inform the viewers that I started my wrestling career on January 5, 2020. I was new to the sport of wrestling and our match was my seventh match in the sport of wrestling. So, Candy, if I were in your shoes I damn sure wouldn’t brag about the one and only match we’ve had against each other since that match took place two years and five months ago. Everyone knows that I’ve improved immensely since our first match while you’ve been declining.
WHAT’S REALLY UP WITH CANDY IN RELATION TO ME?
Bea starts to walk down the sidewalk and the assigned camera person stays focused on her. After a walk down the street Bea stops at the corner to deliver more comments on her upcoming match.
Bea: Well, Candy, while you attempt to brag about a win in our one and only match against each other, which took place two years and five months ago, let me give a graphic description of your failed Bullwinkle Moose side-show act of HEY, ROCKY, WATCH ME PULL A RABBIT OUT OF MY HAT! to which me, serving in the capacity of Rocky The Flying Squirrel to your Bullwinkle Moose, state BUT THAT TRICK NEVER WORKS! Awwwww!!! I’m sorry Candy! Sorry that I’m feeding you too much information too quickly and your pour little pathetic Valley Girl brain is unable to comprehend the information. Listen up, Barbie. . .I mean Candy. . .I’ll give you credit that you were able to hold the Bombshell Roulette Championship. I’ll even give you credit that you managed to hold the Bombshell Roulette Championship from January 5, 2020, to June 7, 2020, which is, for you anyway, a five month accomplishment. But. . .But. . .BUT!!! But what you ask Candy? You lost the friggin' Bombshell Roulette Championship to Violet Amelia Holt? Seriously? You lost the Bombshell Roulette Championship to Violent Amelia Holt? What the *BLEEP* girl?
CHAMPIONSHIPS HELD BY CANDY
Bea: Candy you held the Bombshell Roulette Championship from January 5, 2020 to June 7, 2020. But, DAMN, you got defeated by Violet Amelia Holt who I defeated FOUR times in FOUR matches! Want to know another fact that will make your remaining working brain cells fry? ALL FOUR OF MY WINS OVER VIOLET AMELIA HOLT WERE BY SUBMISSION!!! Oh damn! I just heard snapping and popping noises like something breaking or like the sound of popcorn popping. Ahhhhh. . .Candy. . .that must have been the sound of your last remaining functioning brain cells dying from the truth I’m telling you! Oh well it’s never been said that Valley Girls need more than one or two working brain cells to be able to bat their eyes, make suggestive poses for the attention of men, and eat chocolate.
HOW HIGH CAN YOU FLY?
As Bea crosses the street and starts to walk along the rows of hotels and businesses she hears a helicopter overhead as they have a distinct sound. After the Helo passes along Bea stops and takes a seat on a bench that lines the streets. The camera person remains focused on Bea as she makes additional comments.
Bea: That helicopter that flew by reminded me of Bill’s father and something he told me about helicopters. For those who don’t know, or you forgot, Bill’s father, William Barnhart, served in the United States Navy and retired from Active Duty as a Master Chief Petty Officer. He told me that although he was a Yeoman, which is the Navy term for Administrative Assistant, he had several assignments during his career in the Navy’s Aviation community. Master Chief Barnhart told me he worked with an Officer who was a Helo Pilot in the Navy. He said this Officer told him that the first thing the Instructors in Helo Pilot School taught them was that HELICOPTERS DON’T WANT TO FLY. . .YOU HAVE TO FORCE THEM TO FLY. . . and the instructor explained that while with regular aircraft, like airplanes, you can trim them and take your hands off the yoke and they will fly nicely on their own. The instructor went on to explain that helicopters, if you take your hands off the controls, will go out of control and crash.
Bea makes helicopter noises then she stands up and makes motions like a Helo crashing into the street and exploding. Bea then returns to sitting on the bench.
Bea: HAR HAR HAR!!! Oh, Candy, I’ve got a mental image of you passing out from my comments on helicopters and while you’re passed out and slumped over in your chair you are drooling from hour mouth and brain fluid is draining out of your ears. I’m. . .so. . .sorry. . .NO I’M NOT!!! My gawd! Valley Girls are so stupid that if you put ten of them together and combined their brain processing powers it might equate to the brain processing power of a pile of dog shit!
Bea busts out laughing and it takes her a bit of time to recover and continue with her comments.
Bea: Bill’s father, Master Chief Barnhart, said he once asked a United States Navy Helo pilot how high can a helicopter fly before it loses lift and crashes? He was told that a regular helicopter, not a Military helicopter, can manage to successfully fly to around 10,000 feet before losing lift and crashing. Usually if a plane loses lift you simply place the plane into a nose dive and the majority of the time the engine will re-start you can recover lift and continue to fly, then successfully land, the airplane. But with a Helicopter once you lose lift you are doomed to crash as they are nearly impossible to recover when they have lost lift.
Bea against busts out laughing but this time she manages to recover from her laughing quickly.
Bea: Okay, Candy, I know all this information is total overload for your pathetic little Valley Girl brain. I can honestly state that fact because it is known that when a Valley Girl is handed a cup of coffee and the person serving it to them asks the Valley Girl if they would like sugar and cream in their coffee, that it can take the Valley Girl several minutes to comprehend what she was asked and then hopefully respond properly to the question. So with that mental image out there for all the consider I’m here to tell you, Candy, that you’re exactly like a Helicopter that has lost lift and will crash. I’ll use the example that when you climb the ropes and get to the top ropes in the corner, to possibly attempt some high-flying maneuver, that position places your feet about five feet above the mat. Add into the mix that your head, while you’re standing on the top ropes in the corner, is around ten feet above the mat. That’s already far above where your Valley Girl brain should be due to that height causing your brain to be oxygen deprived! Then you’ll fall off the ropes and face-plant into the mat and I will either pin you, or make you submit, for the win. I’ll pause my comments for now and will resume broadcasting comments once I return to my hotel room.
Bea tells the camera person she’s pausing her comments and she’ll return to her hotel room where the camera person can continue broadcasting from there. The camera person turns off their camera feed and our screen goes dark.
A SHORT TIME LATER IN THE HOTEL ROOM OF BEA BARNHART
The camera person resumes broadcasting and we see Bea sitting on the couch. We don’t see Bill Barnhart around so we assume he is either in the other room our out and about in Reno. We notice that Bea has the television turned on and she is watching the Nickelodeon channel.
CANDY AND HER WRESTLING SHOULD BE PART OF A SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS EPISODE
Bea: Please allow me to show you the opening of a typical SpongeBob Squarepants adventure here on my television. There’s no need for me to show you all the things that take place in Bikini Bottom as I’m sure everyone watching is familiar with the odd things that take place in Bikini Bottom.
SpongeBob Squarepants opening. . .
Are you ready, kids?
Aye, aye, captain!
I can't hear you!
Aye, aye, captain!
Oooooooooohhhh...
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.
SpongeBob SquarePants!
If nautical nonsense, be something you wish.
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Ready?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob SquarePants!
SpongeBob SquarePaaaaaaants!
Ah, ha ha, hahahahahahahahaha!
The opening of the SpongeBob Squarepants cartoon is over and we return to Bea.
Bea: I’m sure some of you are asking why I’m making a comparison between Candy and the SpongeBob Squarepants cartoon. Just sit back and relax. And let me give you a list of the stupid or impossible shit that happens at Bikini Bottom. The residents of Bikini Bottom live under the water in the ocean yet they go to the beach in Bikini Bottom and we watch as waves of water crash against the beach. How can waves of water crash on the beach if they’re underwater? Hmmm. Then they go camping and build a campfire. Uh, okay, how do they have a campfire burning when they’re under water? Hmmm. Mister Krabs is a Crab but his daughter is a Whale? Not sure what perverted sexual adventures went on to get that daughter who is a Whale who belongs to a Crab as her father. One more I wish to mention concerns SpongeBob’s friend Patrick Star. Patrick is a Starfish. His Mother and Father and Grandfather are also Starfish. But then the twist comes into play. Patrick’s sister is a Squid. How in the hell is Patrick’s sister a Squid when everyone else in his family are Starfish? There are dozens more examples I could list but the ones I listed serve my purpose in my discussion about Candy.
Bea turns the television off and returns to focus into the camera.
Bea: Candy I again apologize for presenting items that make your brain want to leap out of your skull and run away and hide but I have to keep you posted on how pathetic you are. It also shows everyone that all the crap you brag about are things that are impossible to happen just like those items I told you about that happen in Bikini Bottom in SpongeBob Squarepants cartoons. Just as Mister Krabs wouldn’t have a Whale for a daughter. . .and people wouldn’t be at Bikini Bottom beach and have waves of waver crash onto the beach since they are already under water. . .and they wouldn’t be able to build a campfire when they go camping as they are underwater. . .and Patrick and his family who are all Starfish wouldn’t have a sister who is a Squid.. . .so you’re not going to execute moves and holds on me to wear me and down and get the win over me because you’re beneath me in every area, especially in the area of wrestling abilities.
Bea flashes a huge grin into the camera.
CLOSING COMMENTS
Bea: Candy? Hmmm. When I heard I was facing you, Candy, a thought came to my mind. Since you’re so pathetic in that you lost to Violent Amelia Holt who I’ve defeated FOUR times in FOUR matches, all by submission, and she’s never defeated me, I figured I would use the play on your name by calling you a Candy Ass. Let me run down the definitions I have for the term Candy Ass as they fit you perfectly. They include. . .A TIMID, COWARDLY, OR DESPICABLE PERSON. SOMEONE WHO IS SCARED OF TAKING CHANCES OF DOING THINGS THAT LOOK, OR ARE, DANGEROUS. Yep! Fits you perfectly Candy!
Bea laughs into the camera.
Bea: Candy I wish to thank you. Thank you for what you’re asking? I’m thanking you for being my next victim. I thank you for proving what I’ve been saying all my life about air-headed Valley Girls. I’m sorry if anything I said or implied has caused you mental stress. Then again we all know Valley Girls can suffer extreme mental stress by just waking up and trying to figure out how to turn their alarm clock off. Let it be known that this match, and my destroying you and me moving up in the rankings, will be an extreme pleasure for me. See you on Sunday, September 25, 2022, at the Reno Events Center. And, Candy, if you make the slightest attempt to blow glitter into my face, which is in violation of the rules, that not only will you lose by Disqualification, but I’ll grab your glitter and shove it down your throat so that you’ll be shitting glitter for a week every time you take a dump! Have a nice day! Har har har!!!
Bea informs the camera person she’s done with her comments. The camera person calls into the Network and they tell them to cut their camera feed and the Network will return to regularly-scheduled programming for this time frame.
