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Climax Control Archives / I HAVE A KING FOR A DAY MATCH AGAINST JACK WASHINGTON
« on: September 15, 2023, 07:59:39 PM »
I HAVE A KING FOR A DAY MATCH AGAINST JACK WASHSINGTON
Narrator: Bill Barnhart has been assigned for a match against Jack Washington in a King For A Day Match at Climax Control 372 in San Diego, California. Austin James Mercer, who earned King For A Day honors, wanted to see two wrestlers, who have a tendency to bend the rules, in a wrestling match to see which one would endure for the win. Although I am sure Mercer would love to see Bill get soundly beat down I don’t see that Bill Barnhart will allow that to happen.
AT THE HOME OF BILL AND BEA BARNHART IN LAWRENCEVILLE, GEORGIA
We get a shot from the camera person of Bill and Bea Barnhart sitting on the couch in their living room at their home in Lawrenceville, Georgia, and their English Bulldog Iris is lying down on the floor. Bea has returned from Los Angeles and this time it will be Bill who travels to wrestle, at Climax Control 372 in San Diego, California, while Bea remains home to take care of their English Bulldog Iris.
Bill: Well, Bea, you didn’t win your match against Julianna DiMaria but you gave it a good shot. She just happened to be one step ahead of you most of the match and that happens sometimes. Shake it off and go into your next match with confidence.
Bea: Thanks for the nice words Bill. Julianna was a bit more than I thought she was and I took the loss. Oh well nobody wins all the time. Except for Iris that is. I traveled to Los Angeles for Climax Control 371 and you stayed home with Iris and this time you travel to San Diego and I remain home with Iris. We have a very spoiled dog.
Iris looks up at Mommy Bea when her name is mentioned. When she sees Mommy Bea smiling at her Iris is content and returns to relaxing on the floor.
Bea: It was nice to spend time with Andrew’s son and Daughter In-Law, Ador and Anna, when they came up from San Diego to Los Angeles to watch me wrestle. Now you get to travel to San Diego, which is where they live, and I understand the Viejas Arena is at the San Diego State University. You are going to love Ador and Anna!
Bill: Ador’s father, our neighbor Andrew, is an amazing person so I know his son and daughter in-law are also amazing. I contacted the arena and I have Ador and Anna booked for two front-row seats so they can enjoy watching me destroy Jack Washington.
Bea: Wish I could be there to serve as your Manager but we made a promise to Iris that I would remain at home with her during this event. Also staying home this week will help me work on the bruises I took at the hands of Julianna DiMaria. I’ll visit our family physician, Doctor Kim, and see if he has some suggestions for easing the bruising and muscle pain. I’m going to the store now so I won’t bother you while you’re presenting comments for the benefit of Jack Washington. Call me when you are done with airing your comments so that I will come home after you are done so I don’t interfere in your presentations.
Bea leaves to go to the store. After she is gone the camera person continues to air comments from Bill Barnhart.
AN UNEXPECTED VISIT FROM ANDEW WHO IS THE NEIGHBOR OF BILL AND BEA AND THE FATHER OF ADOR, AND FATHER IN-LAW OF ANNA IN SAN DIEGO
As Bill is about to continue his comments on his upcoming wrestling match as Climax Control 372 the doorbell rings. Bill looks into the camera and apologizes for the interruption. When Bill opens the door he realizes it is his neighbor, Andrew, who takes care of his English Bulldog Iris while he and Bea are on tour wrestling. Bill invites Andrew to come in and he informs Andrew that they are live on camera at this time so when they go into the living room both of them will be broadcasting.
Bill: I apologize to the viewers for the interruption but I simply cannot turn down a request from our neighbor, Andrew, who is always taking care of Iris for us when we are on tour wrestling. Just bear with us for a short time and then I’ll continue with my comments on my wrestling match against Jack Washington at Climax Control 372. So, Andrew, what can I do for you?
Andrew: You know I mentioned to you that I’m always looking for new material to use in my stand-up comedy routine. I recently came up with a few items and if it is okay with you can I run them by you to see what you think?
Bill: Of course! That’s what friends are for. I ask the camera person to listen to comments from their Network while Andrew is presenting some new material for his stand-up comedy routine. Let me know if the comments from viewers about Andrew’s new material whether the viewers are positive or negative. Go ahead and start the new material and we’ll see what type of response we get.
Andrew stands in front of the camera and he launches into his new stand-up comedy material. Bill has promised to give an honest reaction to each item which may include laughter, grumbling, or no response at all and then they’ll see how Bill’s reaction compares to reactions from viewers.
Andrew: I recently started to think how I could incorporate items that took place in either movies or books and put a twist on them. I also thought about items you hear in passing that can be classified on jokes consisting of a play on words. Here are a few items I came up with that I’m thinking of adding to my stand-up comedy routine if I receive positive feedback today.
I’m sure you know who The Elephant Man was and he was so disfigured that many people who saw him called him an animal. They made a movie about his life and the actor who portrayed The Elephant Man uttered the line I AM NOT AN ANIMAL. So I thought what if we had a re-make of the movie of his life and cast someone else to play the role of The Elephant Man? I came up with the concept that what if they took the Beast, from Beauty and the Beast, and cast him in the role of The Elephant Man. Then when he, as the Elephant Man, got teased by people who called him an animal it might go as follows: PERSON: “You’re an animal.” ELEPHANT MAN PLAYED BY THE BEAST FROM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: “I’M NOT AN ANIMAL.” PERSON: “Uh…Yes you are.”
Andrew doesn’t have to ask Bill what he thought of the material he just presented as Bill is roaring with laughter. Andew continues with the other items he might want to include in his stand-up comedy routine.
Andrew: What do you call a deceitful English major? A cunning linguist.
What did the Cow, who was driving a car, say when the car ahead of her that was driving slowly? MOOve Over.
What did the Cow say to the other Cow who made a stupid comment. You are UDDERLY ridiculous.
What did the Buffalo say to his son when he dropped his son off at school? By-Son.
Andrew has finished his presentation and he informs Bill that was the material he wanted to present and have Bill give feedback if he should include them in his next stand-up comedy routine. Andrew knows Bill was laughing the entire time of his presentation but Andrew still asks Bill for specifics. However when Andrew tries to ask Bill specifics on how each item came across. . .
Bill: Cunning Linguist! Damn! MOOve Over! Ha ha ha! You are UDDERLY ridiculous. A Cow. . .Udderly. . .har har har! By-Son. . .Bison. . .Damn that’s funny stuff!!! Andrew you need to use all that new material in your next stand-up comedy routine. You’re funny and creative!
Andrew: Thanks for the feedback Bill. We don’t need to hear from the Network on what the viewers thought as your reaction convinced me that I need to include these items into my stand-up comedy routine. Thank you for taking a break from presenting comments for your upcoming wrestling match to help me out. I need to get back to my house as I’ve taken up too much of your time and it was during your live broadcasting of your comments on your next wrestling match!
Andrew quickly makes his way to the front door and he exits Bill’s house. When the camera returns to focusing on Bill Barnhart we see he is still thinking about the new comedy material Andrew presented and he laughs some more. Bill finally regains his composure and he sits on the couch and looks into the camera to continue his comments on his upcoming wrestling match as Climax Control 372.
HISTORY BETWEEN BILL BARNHART AND JACK WASHINGTON
Bill: I’m sure the viewers are interested to know my in-ring history against Jack Washington. We had one match against each other on April 17, 2022, at Climax Control 328. I lost the match to Jack Washington, in an Internet Championship match, by submission. At out upcoming match at Climax Control 372 I’ll be the one to walk away with the win. The other item I wanted to bring up is that I come into this match at 6 feet 4 inches and 240 pounds and Jack Washington comes into this match at 6 feet 1 inch and 230 pounds. That puts us even up as 3 inches of height and 10 pounds of weight doesn’t make a major difference in a match with two wrestlers like myself and Washington.
BILL THANKS AUSTIN JAMES MERCER FOR THIS MATCH
Bill: Austin I wish to thank you for my match against Jack Washington by using your King For A Day powers. This gives me the opportunity to prove to everyone that Jack Washington is not a severe challenge for me. When I make easy work of Jack everyone, including you, will sit up and take notice of me. Again, Mercer, thanks for scheduling me for this match.
BILL DISCUSSES SOME OF HIS MOVES AND FINISHERS
Bill: So, Jack, we meet again. This time, however, I’ll walk away with the win. I wanted to let you know some of my favorite moves and holds I enjoy using during wrestling matches. One of them is the Bulldog where I grab an opponent with a headlock then run them across the ring driving their face into the mat. I also enjoy using the Bulldog Slam. I also have fun using a Swinging Neckbreaker and DDT. During matches I enjoy when I execute maneuvers such as a Drop Kick, Belly To Belly Suplex, and a Belly To Back Suplex.
Bill flashes a huge grin into the camera.
Bill: Now, Jack, before you begin laughing yourself silly, thinking that’s all I have in my arsenal, you need to take a few steps back, take a deep breath, and listen intently to what I’m saying. I have three finishing moves that I love executing on opponents. One of them is the Bulldog Choke. When I apply that to opponents they either submit or get choked into unconsciousness. Same with my Sleeper Hold. People think a sleeper hold is a basic maneuver but that is not so. The majority of wrestlers try using a sleeper hold but they are not sufficiently trained on how to apply it to where it cannot be classified as a choke but it quickly cuts off the blood supply to the opponent’s brain and they go unconscious. And, lastly, my favorite finisher is the Hammer Lock Lift. If you want to see where the original Hammer Lock Lift concept came from please go onto YouTube and type in a search for George THE ANIMAL Steele Flying Hammer Lock. He was the master of breaking the arms, or dislocating the shoulders, of opponents. I didn’t get personally trained in my Hammer Lock Lift by George THE ANIMAL Steele but I watched dozens of videos and perfected my own version of it. When an opponent is locked into my Hammer Lock and I lift them off the mat, if they have sense they will immediately submit to prevent injury. If they decide to fight it and not submit then the Hammer Lock Lift I have on them will cause them to suffer a possible shoulder injury or dislocation.
Be snarls into the camera.
Bill: Well, Jack, what is it going to be with you when I lock you into one of my many submission holds? Will you continue to attempt to fight off, or attempt to escape, from my submission holds until you pass out, or will you take the intelligent route and immediate submit and avoid injury? You have two choices. Choose wisely.
BILL DISCUSSES FUNDRAISING EVENTS HE PARTICIPATES IN
Bill: Jack let me inform you of two things I have that you don’t have. I feel these are important items to bring up as they work in my favor. The first is that I possess a Genius IQ of 130 which places me into the top 5 percent of the IQ’s in the world. This allows me to perceive things easier than others do. It allows me to anticipate things easier than others do. It allows me to recognize a low-IQ moron as soon as they open their mouth and start talking. It gives me a huge advantage in our match as I’m a certified Genius and you’re a certified moron.
Bill pauses his comments to point to his head to indicate he has superior brain power compared to nearly everyone else.
Bill: The other thing I do, which I feel is important for people to know, is that at least twice per year we, meaning myself, Bea, and Iris, hold a fundraising event with a competition between myself and Iris. The main recipient of our fundraising event is Childrens Healthcare Of Atlanta as they do fabulous work helping ill children get well and to provide healthcare to families who are not able to pay the high cost of the treatments. Occasionally we donate to other good causes when they arise but the primary recipient is Children’s Healthcare Of Atlanta.
Bill pauses again and this time he looks down at Iris, his English Bulldog, who is relaxing on the living room floor in front of him.
Bill: I’ll list the four common competitions me and Iris face off against each other to help raise money for charity. I’ll explain how each of these competitions work. Although Bea is the commentator for our competitions she does not vote on who wins the competition. The first competition is a Pizza Eating Contest. There is usually a 15 minute time limit on the contest and the winner is either ME or IRIS who can eat the most amount of pizza in 15 minutes. Both of us get served the same size pizza and if we finish the entire pizza before the 15 minutes is up they bring another pizza for us. The winner is determined by the Owner of the pizza restaurant that provides the pizza for our Pizza Eating Contest. I have won the majority of these competitions against Iris.
The second competition is a Lasagna Eating Contest. We have a local restaurant provide the same size pans of Lasagna for me and Iris. They are weighed so that both of us have to consume the exact same amount of Lasagna. We also put a 15 minute limit on this competition and the one of us who consumes the most Lasagna without puking it up is the winner. As with the Pizza Eating Contest I have won more Lasagna Eating Contests than Iris has.
The third competition is a Burping Contest. This contest consists of me and Iris facing off and we have presented to us a large amount of canned and bottled sodas. There is every type of soda you can find in a supermarket. The concept in this contest is to drink as much soda as you can and let out the loudest burp as determined by a device that measures the decibels of the burps. It is not the longest burp, but the loudest burp, that wins the contest. I have to admit that Iris has won more of these Burping Contests than I have.
The last type of competition me and Iris compete in is a Farting Contest. Both of us are masters in the art of producing loud, and smelly, farts. The production of the gas to generate the stinky farts comes from a variety of food and drink items and each event has different variations of foods and drinks so me and Iris never know what to expect. The winner is determined by a vote from the people in attendance so you never know how the votes are going to go. Although I have won the majority of these Farting Contests against Iris I would like to relate to you one event we held in Lawrenceville, Georgia, where Iris was declared the winner. It took place at Georgia Gymnastics Academy on Patterson Road in Lawrenceville. Me and Iris had a hell of a lot of food and drinks to help us product some smelly farts. On this occasion me and Iris were releasing our farts but then Iris spun around and let go a fart that went into the record books as the most devasting and that caused her to win that contest. What happened? Well Iris let go a hell of a stinky fart that set off the smoke detectors and sprinkler system inside Georgia Gymnastics Academy. After dozens of people in attendance passed out someone called for the Police, and Paramedics, and the Fire Department responded due to the smoke alarms and sprinkler system activated, and a Hazmat team showed up to decontaminate Georgia Gymnastics Academy. I give Iris credit for that win but she and I both know I own her in this category.
CLOSING COMMENTS
Bill: Now I have reached the part of my comments where I present closing comments to ensure my opponent, in this case Jack Washington, fully understands what I said and where I stand on our match. You see, Jack, our match is a competition just as the Pizza Eating Competition, Lasagna Eating Competition, Burping Competition, and Farting Competition, that me and Iris participate in.
The similarity between the competitions me and Iris face off in and my match against you on Climax Control 372 is that there will be a clear winner in our competition as there is always a clear winner in the competitions I have against Iris. There will be no pizza or lasagna eating in our contest. There will be no mass quantities of soda consumed to create burps to decide the winner. There will be no endless supply of food and drink items that are known for generating gas for farting. There is no panel of experts from the restaurants that provide food for the competitions of me and Iris involved in our match. The only expert, or official if you desire to call them that, is the Referee who will be assigned to our match. Unless our Referee is an idiot, or a moron, or they are paid off to screw me out of a win, the only outcome of our match is that we both walk into the match as competitors and I walk out of the ring as the winner of our match. If you don’t feel you can deal with that outcome in our match then you can f*** off for all I care! I’ve had enough of interference on behalf of opponents to screw me out of wins and may the Gods be overwhelmingly hard on your sorry ass if you try to purchase interference in our match! With that said Jack. . .please have a great time leading up to our match. . .as you will have no further good times after I destroy you!
Bill informs the camera person that he is finished with his comments. The camera person calls into the Network to ask them what they want them to do. They tell the camera person that the Network will automatically switch to regularly scheduled programming shortly and they want the camera person to keep focused on Bill Barnhart and wait until the Network switches to other programming and then the camera person can cut their camera feed. After a few seconds the camera feed is cut and our screen goes dark.
Narrator: Bill Barnhart has been assigned for a match against Jack Washington in a King For A Day Match at Climax Control 372 in San Diego, California. Austin James Mercer, who earned King For A Day honors, wanted to see two wrestlers, who have a tendency to bend the rules, in a wrestling match to see which one would endure for the win. Although I am sure Mercer would love to see Bill get soundly beat down I don’t see that Bill Barnhart will allow that to happen.
AT THE HOME OF BILL AND BEA BARNHART IN LAWRENCEVILLE, GEORGIA
We get a shot from the camera person of Bill and Bea Barnhart sitting on the couch in their living room at their home in Lawrenceville, Georgia, and their English Bulldog Iris is lying down on the floor. Bea has returned from Los Angeles and this time it will be Bill who travels to wrestle, at Climax Control 372 in San Diego, California, while Bea remains home to take care of their English Bulldog Iris.
Bill: Well, Bea, you didn’t win your match against Julianna DiMaria but you gave it a good shot. She just happened to be one step ahead of you most of the match and that happens sometimes. Shake it off and go into your next match with confidence.
Bea: Thanks for the nice words Bill. Julianna was a bit more than I thought she was and I took the loss. Oh well nobody wins all the time. Except for Iris that is. I traveled to Los Angeles for Climax Control 371 and you stayed home with Iris and this time you travel to San Diego and I remain home with Iris. We have a very spoiled dog.
Iris looks up at Mommy Bea when her name is mentioned. When she sees Mommy Bea smiling at her Iris is content and returns to relaxing on the floor.
Bea: It was nice to spend time with Andrew’s son and Daughter In-Law, Ador and Anna, when they came up from San Diego to Los Angeles to watch me wrestle. Now you get to travel to San Diego, which is where they live, and I understand the Viejas Arena is at the San Diego State University. You are going to love Ador and Anna!
Bill: Ador’s father, our neighbor Andrew, is an amazing person so I know his son and daughter in-law are also amazing. I contacted the arena and I have Ador and Anna booked for two front-row seats so they can enjoy watching me destroy Jack Washington.
Bea: Wish I could be there to serve as your Manager but we made a promise to Iris that I would remain at home with her during this event. Also staying home this week will help me work on the bruises I took at the hands of Julianna DiMaria. I’ll visit our family physician, Doctor Kim, and see if he has some suggestions for easing the bruising and muscle pain. I’m going to the store now so I won’t bother you while you’re presenting comments for the benefit of Jack Washington. Call me when you are done with airing your comments so that I will come home after you are done so I don’t interfere in your presentations.
Bea leaves to go to the store. After she is gone the camera person continues to air comments from Bill Barnhart.
AN UNEXPECTED VISIT FROM ANDEW WHO IS THE NEIGHBOR OF BILL AND BEA AND THE FATHER OF ADOR, AND FATHER IN-LAW OF ANNA IN SAN DIEGO
As Bill is about to continue his comments on his upcoming wrestling match as Climax Control 372 the doorbell rings. Bill looks into the camera and apologizes for the interruption. When Bill opens the door he realizes it is his neighbor, Andrew, who takes care of his English Bulldog Iris while he and Bea are on tour wrestling. Bill invites Andrew to come in and he informs Andrew that they are live on camera at this time so when they go into the living room both of them will be broadcasting.
Bill: I apologize to the viewers for the interruption but I simply cannot turn down a request from our neighbor, Andrew, who is always taking care of Iris for us when we are on tour wrestling. Just bear with us for a short time and then I’ll continue with my comments on my wrestling match against Jack Washington at Climax Control 372. So, Andrew, what can I do for you?
Andrew: You know I mentioned to you that I’m always looking for new material to use in my stand-up comedy routine. I recently came up with a few items and if it is okay with you can I run them by you to see what you think?
Bill: Of course! That’s what friends are for. I ask the camera person to listen to comments from their Network while Andrew is presenting some new material for his stand-up comedy routine. Let me know if the comments from viewers about Andrew’s new material whether the viewers are positive or negative. Go ahead and start the new material and we’ll see what type of response we get.
Andrew stands in front of the camera and he launches into his new stand-up comedy material. Bill has promised to give an honest reaction to each item which may include laughter, grumbling, or no response at all and then they’ll see how Bill’s reaction compares to reactions from viewers.
Andrew: I recently started to think how I could incorporate items that took place in either movies or books and put a twist on them. I also thought about items you hear in passing that can be classified on jokes consisting of a play on words. Here are a few items I came up with that I’m thinking of adding to my stand-up comedy routine if I receive positive feedback today.
I’m sure you know who The Elephant Man was and he was so disfigured that many people who saw him called him an animal. They made a movie about his life and the actor who portrayed The Elephant Man uttered the line I AM NOT AN ANIMAL. So I thought what if we had a re-make of the movie of his life and cast someone else to play the role of The Elephant Man? I came up with the concept that what if they took the Beast, from Beauty and the Beast, and cast him in the role of The Elephant Man. Then when he, as the Elephant Man, got teased by people who called him an animal it might go as follows: PERSON: “You’re an animal.” ELEPHANT MAN PLAYED BY THE BEAST FROM BEAUTY AND THE BEAST: “I’M NOT AN ANIMAL.” PERSON: “Uh…Yes you are.”
Andrew doesn’t have to ask Bill what he thought of the material he just presented as Bill is roaring with laughter. Andew continues with the other items he might want to include in his stand-up comedy routine.
Andrew: What do you call a deceitful English major? A cunning linguist.
What did the Cow, who was driving a car, say when the car ahead of her that was driving slowly? MOOve Over.
What did the Cow say to the other Cow who made a stupid comment. You are UDDERLY ridiculous.
What did the Buffalo say to his son when he dropped his son off at school? By-Son.
Andrew has finished his presentation and he informs Bill that was the material he wanted to present and have Bill give feedback if he should include them in his next stand-up comedy routine. Andrew knows Bill was laughing the entire time of his presentation but Andrew still asks Bill for specifics. However when Andrew tries to ask Bill specifics on how each item came across. . .
Bill: Cunning Linguist! Damn! MOOve Over! Ha ha ha! You are UDDERLY ridiculous. A Cow. . .Udderly. . .har har har! By-Son. . .Bison. . .Damn that’s funny stuff!!! Andrew you need to use all that new material in your next stand-up comedy routine. You’re funny and creative!
Andrew: Thanks for the feedback Bill. We don’t need to hear from the Network on what the viewers thought as your reaction convinced me that I need to include these items into my stand-up comedy routine. Thank you for taking a break from presenting comments for your upcoming wrestling match to help me out. I need to get back to my house as I’ve taken up too much of your time and it was during your live broadcasting of your comments on your next wrestling match!
Andrew quickly makes his way to the front door and he exits Bill’s house. When the camera returns to focusing on Bill Barnhart we see he is still thinking about the new comedy material Andrew presented and he laughs some more. Bill finally regains his composure and he sits on the couch and looks into the camera to continue his comments on his upcoming wrestling match as Climax Control 372.
HISTORY BETWEEN BILL BARNHART AND JACK WASHINGTON
Bill: I’m sure the viewers are interested to know my in-ring history against Jack Washington. We had one match against each other on April 17, 2022, at Climax Control 328. I lost the match to Jack Washington, in an Internet Championship match, by submission. At out upcoming match at Climax Control 372 I’ll be the one to walk away with the win. The other item I wanted to bring up is that I come into this match at 6 feet 4 inches and 240 pounds and Jack Washington comes into this match at 6 feet 1 inch and 230 pounds. That puts us even up as 3 inches of height and 10 pounds of weight doesn’t make a major difference in a match with two wrestlers like myself and Washington.
BILL THANKS AUSTIN JAMES MERCER FOR THIS MATCH
Bill: Austin I wish to thank you for my match against Jack Washington by using your King For A Day powers. This gives me the opportunity to prove to everyone that Jack Washington is not a severe challenge for me. When I make easy work of Jack everyone, including you, will sit up and take notice of me. Again, Mercer, thanks for scheduling me for this match.
BILL DISCUSSES SOME OF HIS MOVES AND FINISHERS
Bill: So, Jack, we meet again. This time, however, I’ll walk away with the win. I wanted to let you know some of my favorite moves and holds I enjoy using during wrestling matches. One of them is the Bulldog where I grab an opponent with a headlock then run them across the ring driving their face into the mat. I also enjoy using the Bulldog Slam. I also have fun using a Swinging Neckbreaker and DDT. During matches I enjoy when I execute maneuvers such as a Drop Kick, Belly To Belly Suplex, and a Belly To Back Suplex.
Bill flashes a huge grin into the camera.
Bill: Now, Jack, before you begin laughing yourself silly, thinking that’s all I have in my arsenal, you need to take a few steps back, take a deep breath, and listen intently to what I’m saying. I have three finishing moves that I love executing on opponents. One of them is the Bulldog Choke. When I apply that to opponents they either submit or get choked into unconsciousness. Same with my Sleeper Hold. People think a sleeper hold is a basic maneuver but that is not so. The majority of wrestlers try using a sleeper hold but they are not sufficiently trained on how to apply it to where it cannot be classified as a choke but it quickly cuts off the blood supply to the opponent’s brain and they go unconscious. And, lastly, my favorite finisher is the Hammer Lock Lift. If you want to see where the original Hammer Lock Lift concept came from please go onto YouTube and type in a search for George THE ANIMAL Steele Flying Hammer Lock. He was the master of breaking the arms, or dislocating the shoulders, of opponents. I didn’t get personally trained in my Hammer Lock Lift by George THE ANIMAL Steele but I watched dozens of videos and perfected my own version of it. When an opponent is locked into my Hammer Lock and I lift them off the mat, if they have sense they will immediately submit to prevent injury. If they decide to fight it and not submit then the Hammer Lock Lift I have on them will cause them to suffer a possible shoulder injury or dislocation.
Be snarls into the camera.
Bill: Well, Jack, what is it going to be with you when I lock you into one of my many submission holds? Will you continue to attempt to fight off, or attempt to escape, from my submission holds until you pass out, or will you take the intelligent route and immediate submit and avoid injury? You have two choices. Choose wisely.
BILL DISCUSSES FUNDRAISING EVENTS HE PARTICIPATES IN
Bill: Jack let me inform you of two things I have that you don’t have. I feel these are important items to bring up as they work in my favor. The first is that I possess a Genius IQ of 130 which places me into the top 5 percent of the IQ’s in the world. This allows me to perceive things easier than others do. It allows me to anticipate things easier than others do. It allows me to recognize a low-IQ moron as soon as they open their mouth and start talking. It gives me a huge advantage in our match as I’m a certified Genius and you’re a certified moron.
Bill pauses his comments to point to his head to indicate he has superior brain power compared to nearly everyone else.
Bill: The other thing I do, which I feel is important for people to know, is that at least twice per year we, meaning myself, Bea, and Iris, hold a fundraising event with a competition between myself and Iris. The main recipient of our fundraising event is Childrens Healthcare Of Atlanta as they do fabulous work helping ill children get well and to provide healthcare to families who are not able to pay the high cost of the treatments. Occasionally we donate to other good causes when they arise but the primary recipient is Children’s Healthcare Of Atlanta.
Bill pauses again and this time he looks down at Iris, his English Bulldog, who is relaxing on the living room floor in front of him.
Bill: I’ll list the four common competitions me and Iris face off against each other to help raise money for charity. I’ll explain how each of these competitions work. Although Bea is the commentator for our competitions she does not vote on who wins the competition. The first competition is a Pizza Eating Contest. There is usually a 15 minute time limit on the contest and the winner is either ME or IRIS who can eat the most amount of pizza in 15 minutes. Both of us get served the same size pizza and if we finish the entire pizza before the 15 minutes is up they bring another pizza for us. The winner is determined by the Owner of the pizza restaurant that provides the pizza for our Pizza Eating Contest. I have won the majority of these competitions against Iris.
The second competition is a Lasagna Eating Contest. We have a local restaurant provide the same size pans of Lasagna for me and Iris. They are weighed so that both of us have to consume the exact same amount of Lasagna. We also put a 15 minute limit on this competition and the one of us who consumes the most Lasagna without puking it up is the winner. As with the Pizza Eating Contest I have won more Lasagna Eating Contests than Iris has.
The third competition is a Burping Contest. This contest consists of me and Iris facing off and we have presented to us a large amount of canned and bottled sodas. There is every type of soda you can find in a supermarket. The concept in this contest is to drink as much soda as you can and let out the loudest burp as determined by a device that measures the decibels of the burps. It is not the longest burp, but the loudest burp, that wins the contest. I have to admit that Iris has won more of these Burping Contests than I have.
The last type of competition me and Iris compete in is a Farting Contest. Both of us are masters in the art of producing loud, and smelly, farts. The production of the gas to generate the stinky farts comes from a variety of food and drink items and each event has different variations of foods and drinks so me and Iris never know what to expect. The winner is determined by a vote from the people in attendance so you never know how the votes are going to go. Although I have won the majority of these Farting Contests against Iris I would like to relate to you one event we held in Lawrenceville, Georgia, where Iris was declared the winner. It took place at Georgia Gymnastics Academy on Patterson Road in Lawrenceville. Me and Iris had a hell of a lot of food and drinks to help us product some smelly farts. On this occasion me and Iris were releasing our farts but then Iris spun around and let go a fart that went into the record books as the most devasting and that caused her to win that contest. What happened? Well Iris let go a hell of a stinky fart that set off the smoke detectors and sprinkler system inside Georgia Gymnastics Academy. After dozens of people in attendance passed out someone called for the Police, and Paramedics, and the Fire Department responded due to the smoke alarms and sprinkler system activated, and a Hazmat team showed up to decontaminate Georgia Gymnastics Academy. I give Iris credit for that win but she and I both know I own her in this category.
CLOSING COMMENTS
Bill: Now I have reached the part of my comments where I present closing comments to ensure my opponent, in this case Jack Washington, fully understands what I said and where I stand on our match. You see, Jack, our match is a competition just as the Pizza Eating Competition, Lasagna Eating Competition, Burping Competition, and Farting Competition, that me and Iris participate in.
The similarity between the competitions me and Iris face off in and my match against you on Climax Control 372 is that there will be a clear winner in our competition as there is always a clear winner in the competitions I have against Iris. There will be no pizza or lasagna eating in our contest. There will be no mass quantities of soda consumed to create burps to decide the winner. There will be no endless supply of food and drink items that are known for generating gas for farting. There is no panel of experts from the restaurants that provide food for the competitions of me and Iris involved in our match. The only expert, or official if you desire to call them that, is the Referee who will be assigned to our match. Unless our Referee is an idiot, or a moron, or they are paid off to screw me out of a win, the only outcome of our match is that we both walk into the match as competitors and I walk out of the ring as the winner of our match. If you don’t feel you can deal with that outcome in our match then you can f*** off for all I care! I’ve had enough of interference on behalf of opponents to screw me out of wins and may the Gods be overwhelmingly hard on your sorry ass if you try to purchase interference in our match! With that said Jack. . .please have a great time leading up to our match. . .as you will have no further good times after I destroy you!
Bill informs the camera person that he is finished with his comments. The camera person calls into the Network to ask them what they want them to do. They tell the camera person that the Network will automatically switch to regularly scheduled programming shortly and they want the camera person to keep focused on Bill Barnhart and wait until the Network switches to other programming and then the camera person can cut their camera feed. After a few seconds the camera feed is cut and our screen goes dark.
