It's safe to say I am thoroughly disappointed.
I got nothing from Angel Kash. Not a word. Not a peep. And I was expecting so much. I heard so much about her, so much from people who know her, who are sources of mine, that expected this to be a very exciting and difficult debut match. And yet, nothing. So yeah, I'm here again, and I was hoping to have more info on Angel, or at least get a sense of who she is, and I got nothing from her.
Well, I suppose I will tell you that I'm going to beat her come Sunday, and win my debut match here in SCW. But I think you already knew that. After all I actually managed to show up and promote this match. And I think I did a pretty darn good job of it. But not Angel. Perhaps she couldn't fit it into her schedule. But then again Syd did say she sucked. And I trust Syd. But still I was prepared to do battle with someone like Angel. I was so ready to take her prissy mouth and face and hair and other things and break them. It's what the fine fans of SCW pay to see. They pay to see someone like Angel get her butt kicked.
But apparently, Angel Kash is too busy. Or afraid. Yeah, afraid sound about right.
Or maybe she's having some technical difficulties. Trying to get stuff out but it's just not perfect enough for her. Whatever the reason, I have a big feeling of letting people down in this match. It's probably not going to be as good as advertised. Debut matches usually don't live up to the hype. And as much as I think I can live up to it, Angel has just dropped the ball. The only good thing is I didn't have a month of hype videos leading up to this.
But, you always remember your first, don't you. Hey! you get your mind out of the gutter you filthy people! I was not referring that. Nor was I referring to Angel's first botox injection. I was talking about life. Yeah. Remember your first car. Or bike? Or job? Yeah, that kind of stuff. Also sex. Just so you get it out of your systems. We can all be adults and professional here.
Except Angel, she can't be pro enough to even make jokes.
Point is, The first time is usually memorable. Like my first assignment.
Roxi - I am NOT wearing this.
[ The groans grow loud from the Victory counsel. ]
Captain Freedom - What's wrong with that one?
Roxi - Look at this, horrible. I am not wearing a leotard.
Lady Victory Young lady, You are making this far more difficult then it needs to be.
Roxi - Lady Victory, with all due respect, these outfits are clearly sexist.
Lady Victory There is nothing wrong with a confident woman wearing an outfit like that. It's a sign of independence and strength.
Roxi - Do you not see anything...I don't know...missing from this?
[ She holds it up for Lady Victory to see. ]
Captain Freedom - A cape perhaps?
Well, A cape would be nice, I mean - Wait! No!
Roxi - This leotard has a boob window.
Lady Victory You can always patch that, sew something over it. A crab emblem perhaps?
Roxi - That's another thing, Crab Girl? Do you not know what that implies?
Lady Victory - The way you fight. It's how we came up with that name.
Roxi - Yeah, that's because you haven't seen everybody walking around looking at me and scratching their crotches have you?
Lady Victory - If you would like, you can make you own costume.
Roxi - Good. I also motion for a name change
Captain Freedom - That will take some time. "Crab Girl" is already registered in our database. Removing it means we have to wipe out everything you've done so far.
Roxi - That recon mission?
Lady Victory - sadly yes.
Well, there goes my employee of the month award.
Roxi - Fine, the moment it's clear, I'm changing it. To Lady Bedlam.
Wow. That was on the spot. And it's good. Sometimes I even impress myself.
Captain Freedom - In the mean time, we need to you handle your first real assignment.
Roxi - That, I can do.
Captain Freedom - Good. We're hoping to stop a shipment of drugs in your city. You find out where their going and who's behind it. The guild will take it from there.
Roxi - Can I lead the group? I always wanted to shout Ha-ku Ma-cente! and then lead a group of screaming men into battle.
Captain Freedom - We'll...think about it. In the mean time, here's your communicator. Let the Guild know when you've accomplished your mission.
Roxi - Any leads thus far?
Captain Freedom - Just that there are a lot of cops willing to look the other way on this. It could be far reaching.
Roxi - I'm on it.
Wow. My first real gig. That recon mission was pretty lame, and I didn't even have a costume. Well, at least I blended in well. Or, about as well as a fit, attractive redhead fits in anywhere. Ah well, At least there letting me design my own costume.
Vision - Hey Rox, hope this isn't a bad time and... REALLY?!
There's another shot for the loyal viewers of girlsinyogapants.com
[ Roxi stands with her camera phone, taking cheesecake shots of her own butt. She has on a sports bra and yoga pants.]
Roxi - Vision?
[ She quickly stops, puts down her phone and sits in a chair, facing the computer.]
Vision - Why are you always doing weird things when I show up?
Roxi - I wasn't. I was finishing up my yoga for the day.
Vision - By taking pictures of your butt?
Roxi - If you had a butt this nice, you'd do it too.
Vision - Whatever. Hey, I thought you did the whole Richard Simmons thing?
Roxi - I do. I use yoga to keep limber.
Vision - Why do I get the feeling that's not why you do it.
Roxi - I don't know.
Vision - Is that....a picture of Dhalsim from Street Fighter behind you?
[ She quickly tears it down. ]
Roxi - No.
Vision - Did you think you could shoot fireballs after doing yoga?
Yes.
Roxi - No.
Vision - Are you sure?
Roxi - Yes - look, what did you want Vision?
Vision - I actually came here for a couple of reasons. One, was to see if you had any problems in SCW.
[ She smirks and waves Vision off ]
Roxi - Please. I lived through the L.A. Riots.
Vision - You were 3.
Roxi - Hard times those.
Vision - You lived in Florida.
Roxi - My points still stands.
Vision - Sometimes, I really wonder about you.
Roxi - Aw, that's so sweet. Are you trying to mend our relationship?
Vision - We don't have a relationship.
Roxi - You want to separate already? I understand, but I'm hurt.
[ He facepalms. ]
Vision - Why me?
Roxi - It's just a joke.
Vision - Well, I got nothing else on these people, It'll be up to you to watch and listen and then counter.
Roxi - No sweat.
Vision - Anyway, the other reason I called was to inform you you're buddy is back.
Roxi - My buddy?
Vision - Louie.
Roxi - The louse?
Vision - The very same. He'll give you a lead to your next assignment.
Roxi - Ah Louie. I remember him from my first assignment. Do you think he'll remember me?
Vision - who could forget a face like yours?
[ She makes doe eyes at Vision. ]
Roxi - Why Mr. Vision, was that a compliment?
Vision - Here's where he's held up.
[ With that, Vision disconnects from the computer. ]
Roxi - Good 'ol Louie. I believe it's time we had our second date.
[ She quickly puts on her costume, reads the file sent to her, and opens the window. ]
Roxi - After all, our first one went so well.
[ Flashback. City streets, rainy night.
Louie walks the streets, large trench coat over him. His collar is turned up, and he holds the coat close to him as he walks. The tall, skinny figure is unmistakable. Once a former police officer, he was disgraced as he was caught taking bribes by fellow officers. But at this point, he's still a cop. Exactly the one Roxi is looking for.]
Ah, there you are. OW! OW!
[ She stumbles around on the rooftops where she is waiting. For some reason, she's wearing six inch heeled boots. ]
Walking around in these heels is killing me.
[ The noticeable click-clack of her heels draws attention from Louie who peers up at sky, but doesn't pay it too much attention. No one would be dumb enough to wear high heels on a roof top. ]
Ha. Ha. Ha.
[ She finally gets into position where she has her trap set. ]
Okay, these are coming off.
[ With that, she unzips her boots and tosses them aside.]
Much better.
[ Despite all these things, Roxi's trap works to perfection as Louie is snagged by the ankle and zipped up a 120 feet, upside-down. Roxi smirks as she makes her way over, squatting beside him. She takes a deep breath. ]
Roxi - ¿Dónde están las drogas?
Louie - Wha...what?
Roxi - Oh, I assumed you spoke Spanish.
Louie - N...n....nn...no. I..I..Don't.
Roxi - Let's try that again, shall we?
[ With that, she releases the tension on the cord, and he free-falls. He screams and then, he's stopped, and pulled back up.]
Roxi - ( In a deep, gravely tone) Where were the other dr- *Cough* *Hack* *Cough* *Cough*
How the heck did Christian Bale do that for three hours?
[ Still bewildered at his current situation, Louie says nothing. She clears her throat and starts again. ]
Roxi - Okay, take 3.
[ Again, she drops him. And then pulls him back up. ]
Roxi - Hi. I'm Lady Bedlam. I need to know where a shipment of drugs is going, and why the cops aren't stopping it. I think that you know. Welcome to your interrogation.
Louie - I...I don't know anything.
Roxi - Oh, I think you do.
Louie - I'm just an honest cop, I swear.
Roxi - Really? There's $500 in your pocket, it's got trace amounts of drug residue on it. It's not wise to lie to me.
Louie - Why should I tell you anything?
Roxi - Oh, you don't have to. But I mean, There's an open barrel of...what I think is toxic waste down there. And...judging by wind right now, if I let you do, you'll fall head-first into it.
Louie - You're crazy!
Roxi - Now, maybe, just maybe, you'll end up transforming into a hideously deformed creature of super-human size and strength. Then, you can move to Jersey and fight injustice. But, I doubt it. Most likely you'll burn to death. But, I would love to find out if I'm wrong.
Louie - I can't. They'll kill me.
Roxi - Okay, got your plane ticket to Jersey? Here we go!
Louie - Okay! Okay!
[ She drops him anyway. He screams, but it stopped short of the barrel of waste. She pulls him back up.]
Roxi - That's for lying to me at the start. Now talk.
Louie - Alright, you crazy bitch! There's some kind of cult. I don't know much. I've never seen their leader. They say he's got some kind of power of those people. Operate underground, beneath the 8th street Synagogue. I swear that's all I know.
[ She pulls a switchblade from her belt. And holds it against the cord. ]
Roxi - Are you sure? This rope just might break.
Louie - Yes. yes! I swear please!
I think he's tapped out. I got what I needed.
Roxi - Good boy. Well, I must say, I really enjoyed this date. You sure know how to impress a girl. Call me sometime. Or rather, I guess I'll call you.
Louie - Wait...why...
Roxi - Oh, yeah, I suppose you want down.
Louie - No...why are you barefoot?
[ She scowls under her mask. ]
Roxi - I don't wanna talk about it.
With that, she releases the tension again, and let's him fall, but then stops him short of the ground ,before releasing him.
Really, Jewish criminals? I thought they were the chosen people or whatever? That's just terrible. I mean, all the stereotypes about them being cheap, you'd think they'd just...keep the drugs for themselves. That seems really strange.
[Present day. Roxi swings runs along rooftops using the co-ordinates given to her. Finally she arrives at her destination, "Fat cat casino". She casually surveys the surrounding area, and to the untrained eye, it looks legit. She notices her opening, and sneaks in unnoticed to the lower level, through a vent shaft. ]
Crawling through vents. There's no way this can end well. Hopefully I don't see anything disgusting..
[ She continues to make her way through, before slowly opening an opening in the vent and drops down. Out of site of the 10 guards and Louie present. Quietly, she takes smoke bombs out of her belt and throws them, creating a smoke screen for her attack. Within a few seconds, they'll all down. Once the smoke clears, she's sitting on Louie's desk. ]
Roxi - Hey Lou. Long time no see. I was worried about you. No texts, no e-mails.
Louie - Lady Bedlam?
Roxi - You remembered!
Louie - You stay away from me!
Roxi - Ah Lou, One date are you're dumping me? I though we had something.
Louie - You're crazy!
[ He stands, and tries to run but a quick shot from the bolos on her belt tie him up and drop him. ]
Roxi - I know this may sound strange, but I need some information.
Louie - I don't know nothing! I'm a legit business man!
Roxi - I'm sure. That's why we're in a secret underground lair right now.
[ Suddenly, a guard she must has missed cocks a pistol, jamming it against her head. She throws her hands up. ]
Louie - Heh, not so tough now are you?
Guard - Alright, stand up! Nice and slow.
[ She complies.]
Guard - What should I do with her boss?
[ She turns to face the guard. ]
Louie - Kill her.
Roxi - Whoa, whoa. Okay. There's no need for that. You got me.
Guard - Shut up!
Roxi - Okay, okay, but, before you kill me, can I at least be granted a last request?
Guard - What's that?
Roxi - (flatly) Can I pull the underwear out of my butt? I got a serious wedgie and I want to die happy.
Guard - What?
Roxi - Please?
[ He looks at his boss]
Guard - Make it quick.
Roxi - Thanks.
[ Predictably, she makes her move, slapping the gun out of his hand as she contorted her body. She quickly grabbed his head and slammed it into the desk. knocking him out.]
Roxi - Silly. I'm wearing a thong.
[ She turns back to Louie ]
Roxi - Anyway, Where were we? Ah yes, you were about to whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
[ Later that night. ]
Once again Louie sweet talked his way into my heart, and told me what I needed to know. So, after a successful night, I headed home to watch those promos. A hard day's work paid off. The guild knew everything. And I was getting an education in trash talk. I couldn't believe what was said. I had to talk to someone.
Roxi - Vision, you there?
[ No response. ]
Roxi - Come on, I need to talk to you.
[ Still, no response. ]
Never around when you need him. Ah-ha! I know someone who's always there.
[ With that, she headed out the window again. A few moments later she arrived at her destination. ]
Roxi - Ah Herman. Always there.
[ She plopped herself down next to her favorite gargoyle statue. ]
Roxi - What a day. Wanna hear about it?
[ Herman of course says nothing, because he is a statue. ]
Roxi - I knew you did.
Pretty sad when the three most reliable people in my life are a hardened criminal, A guy on a computer, and a gargoyle.
Roxi - It's hard out there Herman. It really is. I have to deal with a girl who likes to...be a bitch. A stuck up one at that. At that's not even crime-fighting. How do you deal with it? Remain so stoic and steadfast? I mean, pigeon poop has got to be a constant problem, right?
[ She sits, awaiting an answer. ]
Roxi - Yeah, you're right. You're right. Yo usually are. So wise. But yeah, Angel's not around, so this looks like it's going to be a success. I mean, you believe that, right? I'm not going to choke this away am I?
[ Silence. ]
Roxi - I didn't think so either. I mean, -
[ Just then, her wrist communicator goes off. ]
Roxi - It never fails, you get a good story going, and bam, duty calls. You keep smiling Herman. And thanks for listening.
[ She dashes off.]
