Well hello, Sin City Wrestling. How are you? My name is Roxi Johnson and I will be debuting for you on the 13th. I lent you an advanced copy of the first issue of my adventures and I know you're eager for more. And guess what, today you get another great issue. These things are selling like hotcakes but I always save one for you guys.
Some of you may already know my name. You may know my face. You may have seen me at the supermarket. We may have even had a conversation once or twice or over twitter, But I am not who you may think I am. You do not know me. So don't act like it. If you don't know me, that's fine, but I will promise that you will not forget it. But the truth is, I have many names, many faces, I may have been standing right next to you, or above you, or anywhere I chose and you may not have seen me. Recognition isn't a big thing with me in my line of work. It's my job. And I'm good at it.
But before we get into that, I would like to take this time to talk about my debut. It's against Angel Kash. Kash with a "K". I already don't like her, simply for that. I get that you want to stand out and make yourself special with some stylizing of your name and such, but that's not cute. Not at all. In fact, it's downright ugly. Look at that name in your head: Angel Kash. That "K" is just awful. It doesn't look right. It doesn't belong there.
Moving on, I know a little about Angel herself, since I have sources. I may not be a mild-mannered reporter or anything, but let's just say people wearing skin-tight spandex have connections. Anyway, It seems that Angel is a person who is wealthy, stuck up, and annoying. So, basically, she's every movie's stereotype rich girl. You have all seen her before. Did you ever see white chicks? Angel was in it. Did you see Pretty Woman? Angel was in that. How about every slasher movie ever made? That stuck up, condescending, rude girl that you secretly fist pump when she gets an axe to the face? That's Angel Kash.
So you can watch Angel sip Wine or Cognac or whatever "look how rich I am" drink she''ll be drinking, and you watch as she slurs her words and tries to make out with a Bed post. Or maybe she'll show you an expensive jewelry collection or make someone bring her something. Like I said, you've seen it all before. Or you can sit back, relax and get into one of my many adventures that you will no doubt leave you on the edge of your seat....
Or they might not. Whatever. I make no promises. Don't judge me.
The point is, it'll be better than watching the rich girl do rich girl stuff.
It's simple. The girl who fights monsters, demons, and all the scum you can shake a stick at, saves the world time and time again, and fights for you, all with a smile on her face and a joke on her mind... Or the girl who turns her nose up at you and says "Daddy I want new apartment" when she has to change a light bulb.
You're choice people.
<HR>
Roxi - (singing)What you want, baby, I got it
What's you need? You know I got it
All I'm askin' is for a little respect when you get home
Hey baby, when you get home, mister
[ She's singing, and working out. Doing her pre-day routine. Every day she starts like this. Sweatin' to the Oldies. ]
Roxi - ain't gonna do you wrong while you're gone
I ain't gonna do you wrong because I don't wanna
All I'm askin' is for a little respect when you get home
Hey baby, when you get home, listen
[ As she's trimming fat...I guess...Vision appears on the computer screen behind her. ]
Vision - Come in - Oh my god.
[ She turns to see him, and quickly turns off the TV. ]
Roxi - Vision?
Vision - Uh...
Roxi - Haven't you ever heard of...knocking?
Vision - I'm on a computer.
Roxi - Well IM me or something then. You can't just pop in whenever you feel like.
Vision - I'm your link back to the guild.
Roxi - That's not an excuse. What if I was naked or something?
Vision - I...Look, I'm sorry...Wait, what were you even doing?
[ She looks at him, puzzled. ]
Roxi - It's called working out.
Vision - With Richard Simmons?
Roxi - I...I like his energy level.
Vision - Right.
Roxi - Don't judge me. His workouts work.
Vision - They do?
Roxi - Uh yeah, look at this butt. Do you think it just happens overnight?
Vision - Can we just...focus here?
Roxi - Are you uncomfortable looking at my butt?
Vision - Yes...err..no..err..moving on.
Roxi - Whatever you say.
Vision - Anyway, did you read through everything?
Roxi - Of course. Still a little silly. And even worse, I can't explode anything.
Vision - What's wrong with you?
Roxi - Well, I'm one of the people fighting people in the dead of night wearing skin-tight outfits. So, I'd say, nothing.
Vision - Have you always been like this?
Roxi - What? A girl? Yes.
Vision - No, I meant...
Roxi - Of course. Don't you remember my initiation?
Captain Freedom - Welcome recruits.
[ Flashback sequence go!
We fade into the fortress of fight. A great hall with 10 ordinary looking people (Roxi among them) stand being lectured by The city's biggest Hero, Captain Freedom. ]
Captain Freedom - You have all made a very commendable choice. To join the Guild of Super Heroes International Task force.
Or, G.S.H.I.T. for short.
Captain Freedom - The training you are about to embark on, will be strenuous. It will test you both physically and mentally. And in the end, you will be better for it, and allowed into the guild. That is...IF you make it.
[ Dramatic pause. ]
Captain Freedom - If you survive. You will help us fight against the greatest known threat to peace on this planet. The Malicious International Lawless Force.
Or, M.I.L.F. Yeah, Milf.
Captain Freedom - Before we begin with the training, We, the Victory Counsel will interview all of you. So step lively.
And just like that, I was on my way. I must admit it was quite intimidating to be standing the presence of people who have saved the earth several times. It was also weird to see so many of them. There's was like a hundred of them.
And they say the Justice League is big.
Anyway, my interview? I obviously nailed it.
[ She stands before the Victory Counsel. Captain Freedom, Commander Lyon, & Lady Victory ]
Captain Freedom - Ah, Ms. Johnson. Mr. Amazing told us about you.
Roxi - He did?
Captain Freedom - Yes. Seems you are eager to help.
At least he remembered me.
Roxi - Well, I had everything under control.
Captain Freedom - Now now, there's no need to explain, he already told us everything.
Roxi - Oh.
Captain Freedom - Now, let's get down the business. Do you have any special powers?
Quick. Make up something fast.
Roxi - I...I...can control...ice.
Captain Freedom - Ice?
Ice?
Roxi - Yes. I can sculpt it in many forms. Just the other day, I made cubes.
[ The members stare at each other for a moment. ]
Captain Freedom - Very funny. I'll take that as a "No."
Roxi - Damn.
Captain Freedom - Don't worry, it doesn't disqualify you from joining. We'll just have to see where exactly you fit.
Roxi - Oh, well....that's...good I guess.
Captain Freedom - Any fighting ability?
Roxi - Jujitsu black belt. Also, extensive knowledge of anatomy and pressure points. Oh, and I was a gymnast, so I'm extremely limber.
Nice. That wasn't sexually awkward or anything.
Captain Freedom - Very...interesting. Very well, you can go through with the training.
Roxi - Whoo-hoo! In your face Mr. Amazing.
[ They look at her as if she's crazy. She struts away, beaming. ]
Hey, Mr. Amazing is an incredibly pretentious name. An "in your face" was completely appropriate for the situation.
[ And we flash through the training sequence. Feel free to imagine it with your favorite '80's song playing. ]
Try "Hungry eyes" by Eric Carmen.
[ The song from "Dirty Dancing"? ]
Yes.
[ That's not a montage song. ]
Yes it is.
[ No, it isn't. "Hearts on Fire" now that's a montage song. ]
Hey, you're just a narrator. You just tell the story.
[ .... Right. Anyway, flash to the final test. ]
That's better.
Captain Freedom - Recruits, you have done well. There is one final test. If you pass, you will be a member of the group. I can only imagine what's running through your minds right now.
God, I wish I had worn a sports bra. These things have been flopping around way too much. surprised I haven't hit myself in the face.
Captain Freedom - You're final test is against Road block.
[ She perks up. ]
Roxi - We're fighting -
Captain Freedom - No, not THAT Road block. He's out offical final trainer. You're job, is to best him in combat.
[ A Large black man pops walks into the center of the arena. There are wrestling mats on the ground. He stands, arms folded bulging muscles on his arms and chest. ]
This isn't going to be easy.
Captain Freedom - You must submit this man. Or strike him 5 times. We have less-than-lethal weapons available. Any strike this isn't blocked counts. Good luck.
[ Flash to Roxi, the final recruit standing. Thus far, no one has even touched Road Block. He has taken down everyone. Roxi nervously steps onto the mat. ]
Alright, just focus. Most people have gone for weapons, let's not do that. It hasn't worked.
[ She stares at him, he smirks. ]
Road Block - Whenever you're ready. I promise I won't make you break a nail.
Roxi - Whew. Big load off my mind.
[ He smirks again. She cautiously maneuvers around and he lunges with his superb speed and palm thrusts her in the chest sending her flying. ]
He's fast. Really fast.
Road Block - What's wrong? Weren't you ready?
Roxi - Actually, that one was free. You looked pretty tired, so I was wondering if you had anything left.
[ He has surprised look on his face. ]
Road Block - Ha! Very funny.
Roxi - I thought so.
[ She stands, dusts herself off and the two circle again. He lunges again, but she times it and throws a kick, which is easily caught and she is again thrown aside. ]
Road Block - Pathetic.
Roxi - Aww, don't be so hard on yourself. I know, any goon could have caught that kick.
[ He looks angry. But then smiles. ]
Road Block - You got a big mouth you know that? Maybe I close it for you permanently.
Roxi - You know, I remember the last time threatened me. His words after that were "not in the face, not in the face!
[ His smile disappears. She stands and he charges, but she is able to duck a wild punch.]
Good, he's angry.
[ He swings again, he drops into a split and grabs his leg and twists out to the side, causing him to lose his balance and fall. She rolls back and stands. The anger on his face is evident. He charges, she throws a punch it's blocked. He grabs her arm and twists it behind her. He wrenches on it, causing her to yell in pain. ]
Road Block - Did that hurt?
Roxi - Actually, while you're back there, could you scratch my back? I've had this major itch and I can't reach it.
[ He grabs her hair and yanks it back, before trying to slam her face into the wall, he stops it with her foot, and throws a wild elbow with her free arm and that catches him. He releases her, stunned. ]
Road Block - You...I'm bleeding.
Roxi - Talk to me about bleeding in about two wee-.
Road Block - Shut up!
[ He rushes her and lifts her up in a chokehold.]
Road Block - I should strangle you!
Roxi - hnnnggulg! Yeah...that's it...give it to me!...don't hold back cause I'm...I'm a girl...Cause you know what?
[ She smiles despite being choked. ]
Roxi - I will LOVE giving it to you.
[ Suddenly, she throws her legs up, and wraps them around his head, she pulls back and he crumbles to the ground, caught in a picture perfect triangle choke. Now able to free herself from the chokehold, she slowly tightens the grip. Suddenly, he taps the mat once, signaling a submission. ]
[ Flashback end, present day.]
Vision - YOU submitted Road Block?
Roxi -Sure did.
Vision - How did you pull that off?
Roxi - I saw that he when he got angry, he got sloppy. So, I made him mad. Also, there's 5 pressure points on your arm. I used most of them to take him down and gain control.
Vision - That's incredible.
Roxi - Yeah. I know.
Vision - Modest much?
Roxi - I am the most modest person ever. I even won an award for it.
Vision - Do you know what modesty means?
Roxi - ....
Vision - Anyway, how'd you get that name?
Roxi - Well...
[ Flash back again. The ceremony for her making it through. ]
Captain Freedom - Many have tried, but you have succeeded. I hearby welcome you to the Guild.
Roxi - Awesome.
Captain Freedom - Now, you'll need a name. An alter-ego. Something to fight crime with.
Roxi - Hmmm...
I need something cool. Something amazing. Something that...stands out.
Captain Freedom - Ah-ha! I've got it.
Roxi - And?
Captain Freedom - That fight, you were methodical, used your brain, and in close quarters, you were outright deadly.
Oooh, that sounds like Snake. Maybe uh...Cobra Woman, or snake-gal...
Captain Freedom - We shall call you...Crab Girl.
What?! Lame!
