”Jamie, are you ready to be a father?”
”No…”
”You need to grow up...”
”Your face needs to grow up!”
”How do you feel about half of the New X-Tremes leaving?”
……
“WHY SO SERIOUS?!”
Jamie stands in the middle of a crowd of people who are leaving the last Climax Control. They rush by while Jamie is wearing an unusual frown on his face. He needs a drink and he needs it pronto! He reaches over and snags the drink out of one of the fans hands. He guzzles it down as they look at him with disdain. Jamie looks at them confused and then hands the cup back to them as he moves along. The fans ask him random questions, but he doesn’t even register them as he walks blankly through the crowd. He quickly catches up to Spike, who is standing just behind the restricted line, nodding with a smile as he talks with a few fans. He signs an autograph and then shakes the persons hand as he holds an ice pack on the back of his head.
Spike: Thank you. Your support is much appreciated, now more than ever.
Jamie pushes the fan just a bit as he looks at Spike with concern. The fan looks upset and storms off, muttering “Dick…” under their breath. Jamie flings his fist under his right arm, telling them to shove it, in not so many words. Spike has a grimace on his face as he shakes his head at Jamie.
Jamie: Dude, you’ve had a shitty fucking month and it just got worse tonight. Why do you wanna talk to people when they aren’t even supposed to bother you behind these lines?
Spike: Ummm, because people think NXT is dead, and I refuse to let that happen. If it just comes down to you and I, NXT will live. Do you understand me, bro?
Jamie: Don’t say that stupid meathead word! I’m gonna find him and kick his…
Spike: Let him go, Jamie. He’s a loser and always will be. He’s a coward who can only stab me in the back. He’s a nobody to me. Besides, I’ve taken much worse and wrestled a few days later…
Spike reassures his brother with a gentle pat on the shoulder. Jamie doesn’t seem to buy it, but he nods his head anyway. Jamie bites his tongue and walks away. He doesn’t get very far before Vixen accidentally bumps into him. She gently rubs on his shoulder with an apologetic look on her face. Her French-Canadian accent comes out heavier in her own worry.
Vixen: I’m so sorry, Jamie.
Jamie: I bet you are, hussy! Get your hands off of me, because I’m not gonna be the reason you leave my brother. Ep, ep!
Jamie waves his hand at Vixen as she tries to protest. She finally gets tired of playing nice as she smacks his hand away, causing him to squeal a bit.
Vixen: I’m not going to leave your…
Jamie: EP! I’ve seen the way you look at me like a piece of man meat, woman! You shoulda went for the sexier Staggs brother months ago, but you passed it up.
Vixen: Not that it matters because I’m happy with Spike, but you are a married man, Jamie.
As soon as Jamie is about to comment, Odette Ryder comes around the corner from the NXT locker room also and a look of absolute joy is spread across her face. She gives Jamie a hug as Vixen raises an eyebrow at Jamie and walks off toward Spike.
Odette: Jamie! Speaking of Kittie, how is she? How is the baby? Oh I have been thinking of the most amazing things for her baby shower, and…
Jamie: GAHHHHHHHHH!
Jamie growls in aggravation over the constant conversation changes, getting deep and angry as he tries to escape the situation when Jessie Salco smiles widely and comes running up next to Jamie with her brother Jake as well as her sister Katie. She takes a deep breath and then joins along with Jamie.
Jessie: I LOVE that song! GAHHHHHHHHH!
Jamie shakes his fists and runs off abruptly, almost in a comedic way. Jessie looks strangely at Jamie as he takes off down the hallway. She raises an eyebrow toward Odette.
Jessie: What the hell was that all about?
Odette shrugs her shoulders as well as we follow Jamie down the hallway. He bumps into Derek Thorne and he grabs onto his long, slightly greasy hair and pulls at it.
Jamie: NOOOOOOOOOO!
Derek opens his mouth to speak, but instead he just shakes his head, choosing to avoid the headache of trying to understand Jamie when he is worked up. Jamie runs inside of the NXT locker room and leans against the door. He takes a deep breath and tries to relax.
”They’re all gonna laugh at you!”
Jamie: Shup Carrie’s mom!
”What?
Jamie looks around seeing no one around. He shrugs his shoulders as he heads over to the locker area. He notices something curious. There is an Adidas bag sitting inside of the open locker and it smells weird. And by weird, I mean foreign to Jamie. And by foreign, I mean it smells like heavy cologne, instead of B.O. and Doritos. Instantly, Jamie knows who the bag belongs to. He opens it up and carries it over to the trash can. He instantly dumps the bag into the trash can. He fluffs the contents up so that the belongings are covered by trash. He picks the towel up and holds it behind his back. He walks the empty bag over to the other lockers and looks to the pink CLB bag and dumps the contents of it into the bag. It doesn’t seem full enough, so he throws another feminine looking bag’s contents inside of it and then snickers to himself. He slides the towel down the back of his pants and grins as he awkwardly reaches down the front of his pants and reaches deep inside, pulling out one end of the towel. He slides it forward, then pulls backwards.
Jamie: That feels strangely like happiness in my pants. Man, do I itch too…
Jamie continues this for a moment before sliding the scrunched up towel against his backside and he does squats, working up a sweat as he almost becomes giddy.
Jamie: This is so freakin’ sweet, scro… Haha
Jamie quickly stops laughing as the door creaks open. He quickly turns behind him to see Giani Di Luca standing behind him with a newfound cocky grin on his face. He rolls his eyes as he walks inside of the locker room. He brushes past Jamie and walks right over to the mirror to check on his hair. He groans in aggravation, even though it looks near perfect as it is.
Giani: Damn, when I did the Jersey Turnpike to ya bro, I messed up my hair. But I guess that’s what happens when you screw over a bitch, huh? Hahahaha
Giani turns around to see the expression on Jamie’s face. Jamie turns around and hikes up his leg, squeaking out a very loud flatulent accompanied by an immature laugh as Giani just shakes his head from side to side. He turns back around and checks his lips, adding extra chap stick to them, lifting his upper lip up to pick at his pearly white teeth.
Jamie: I thought you were different, man. But you’re not. You’re the same old Jersey Shore, Robbie E rip off you always were. You’re nothing because you expect things to be handed to you.
Giani: When did Tweedle Dumbass grow a brain? Did you visit the Wizard of Oz, coz you need a new one. You’re still sticking around with these losers, being their punch line instead of doin’ for yourself. At least I got the balls to tell Spike to go fuck himself, unlike the rest of ya’s.
Giani utilizes the special NXT locker room area for the privacy as he begins doing squats. He looks at Jamie who is obviously fuming with Giani. His former Party Horde pal just smiles and shakes his head at Jamie’s ignorance.
Jamie: Your face has got the balls, scro…
Giani: Why am I even tryin’ to have a conversation with someone dumber than my kindergarten cousin?
Jamie: What do you know? You’re dumber than a kindergarten kid whose the dumbest in his class.
Giani lets out his signature laugh as he goes to Jumping Jacks to keep himself sweating. Jamie growls and walks over to Giani’s bag. He leans down to let out another ass bomb, this one much louder, and nonchalantly pulls out the towel and slides it into Giani’s bag, leaving it hang out half way. He picks the bag up and shoves it into Giani’s chest and points to the door.
Jamie: I’m done watching people piss all over NXT! Get the FUCK out of here!
Giani sets his bag over on the bench and gets in Jamie’s face, hovering over him.
Giani: Or else what?
Jamie grits his teeth as he stares right up at Giani. He grits his teeth and hisses, blowing saliva in Giani’s face. As Giani wipes it away, he slaps Jamie as hard as he can across the face.
Giani: Fuck outta here, bitch!
Jamie holds onto his cheek and takes a step toward the door. Giani turns around and leans down toward the towel, pulling it out without looking. He wipes away at his face with the towel. After about thirty seconds of patting his face, he pulls the towel away and slowly sniffs at it. He grimaces and then starts to look back at Jamie, but Jamie trips him up, banging his head against the bench. He rolls Giani over it more, letting his head hang off as he leaps onto the bench. He quickly moves a few steps forward before dropping down with a guillotine across his neck. With Giani knocked out Jamie smirks. Why? Tune in next week to find out!
For now, we fast forward the tape about five minutes to spot Jamie walking outside with a trash bag in his hand. He grins sadistically as he closes it tightly behind him. As soon as he does, reporter Pussy Willow is standing by with a microphone in hand. She smiles and nods toward the camera to confirm that it is rolling.
Pussy: Hi, I’m here with Jamie Staggs who will be involved in SCW’s Blast From the Past Tournament, involving Mixed Tag Teams. Jamie, how do you feel about your chances with your partner?
Jamie: Whooowhuhhh?
Pussy looks at Jamie curiously as she smiles. He slings the trash bag over his shoulder as he scratches his head.
Pussy: You are teaming with Seven Deadly Sins’ very own Sin of Lust, Fantasia. And you two are set to take on Danica Jones and “Primetime” Matthew Kennedy.
SEE THERE IS A POINT TO THIS!!! But too bad Jamie doesn’t get it yet. He looks back to the closed locker room door and then back to Ms. Willow. He shrugs his shoulders.
Jamie: My chances with Fantasia are pretty good, I guess. I mean, that’s not my usual thing, but if Shane’s up for it, then I guess I could give it a try… But, what does Kennedy and Danica have to do with anything? Do they like to watch, because I would have to change my mind there…
Pussy: No… You are fighting Kennedy and Danica next week on Climax Control, and your partner will be Fantasia. You are part of the tournament, and…
Jamie: What?! Is SCW on Skinemax now? Are we ripping off the storyline from Premarital Kombat? I don’t know if I’m up for doing that in a wrestling ring…
Pussy smacks her forehead, realizing that she is the intelligent one in the conversation, which is somewhat of a change. She takes a deep breath and tries to explain this over again.
Pussy: You are going to be competing in a mixed tag team wrestling match, with your clothes on, with Fantasia as your partner, to take on “Primetime” Matthew Kennedy and Danica Jones in the opening round of a tournament to honor the first World Champions, George Hackenschmidt and Mildred Burke.
Jamie: Ohhhh, okay! Wait, when do I get to have sex with Fantasia?
Pussy: Never… At least I don’t think. I don’t know. I want to know what you think of this match?
Jamie: I think it rocks. I get a chance to beat the crap out of two of the three traitors to the New Xtremes in one weeks time. I mean, we all knew it was coming with Kennedy, but still. He knew an ass whoopin’ was coming too. He has to make it through this Staggs brother to get to the next one if he wants that title. As for Danica Jones, I think she’s single, so maybe I could trade in the prize and have sex with her? Fantasia is awkward because she is friends with my wife and all…
Pussy: You aren’t having sex with anyone, Jamie! Neither Fantasia or Danica are contractually obligated to do that with you, and you smell like a dirty sock, so I really don’t think they want to do that on their own. And you are married!
Jamie stands there for a moment, gathering the general idea of what she just said despite the usage of big words. He scratches his chin and looks at the camera, his eyebrows raised.
Jamie: Ouch… I guess you are right though. Once you put a ring on that finger, the sex stops all around… That’s why I got so excited about this match. Oh well, at least I still get to kick Kennedy’s ass and take free food and booze from the fans… So my answer to your question is… Forty-two. No more questions.
Pussy: Wait, wha…?
Jamie: NO MORE QUESTIONS I say!
With that, Jamie carries the bag with him as he walks off the screen. Pussy Willow throws her arms up in the air in frustration as she turns toward the cameraman, obviously not realizing he is still rolling.
Pussy: Is he fucking serious? Somebody else needs to start taking care of his interviews, because…
-=:(Fade to BLACK):=-
