The sound of screeching tires overtake the audio as you see cracks spread across the screen after a loud crash. Blood splatters across the screen and seeps through the cracks to drip down the screen as “Party Hard” by Andrew W.K. begins playing.
<img src=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v674/GXWSpikeStaggs/dau1.png>
The voice of Jamie Staggs comes over the audio above the theme music.
”This week you get a special treat when we show off SCW Bombshell Angelica with a special dance that you will NOT wanna miss, dudes! Also, the official trash talk segment for December to Dismember, but first, you will get to see a sneak peak of the lost Casey Williams promo, but you will swear you saw it! You do NOT wanna miss this edition of Dumbass University!”<marquee>
DISCLAIMER*** The following impersonation is intended for entertainment purposes, and is in no way implied as fact. All SCW personalities used by name are in no way affiliated with the actual character unless otherwise noted in the credits. Now that’s enough of the legal junk. Enjoy!</marquee>
The camera fades into a busy Gold’s Gym, people lift weights in the immediate vision line, however, people are seen running on treadmills in the background. The bright, clean atmosphere is taken over by the stench of hard work and perspiration. A man knocks into two men dead lifting, pushing them aside with a big black duffel bag. Both men glare at the bald character as they come a little closer to the camera. It is Jamie Staggs, wearing a flesh toned rubber cap, hiding his medium length dark brown hair. He drops his duffel bag on the ground in front of him, and pulls a cell phone from out of his gym shorts. Even though it doesn’t ring, he flips it open and speaks in a gruff, angry voice.
”Casey Williams”: Hi Laura, how are you?
”Laura”: I’m fine, how are you Casey?
”Casey Williams”: I’m fine too. Just getting ready to work out because I have to fight this incredibly awesome, incredibly sexy guy whom I may or may not have a man crush on named Jamie Staggs. That guy is a stud. His partner is a big angry sack of flowery smelling perfume and soap with a nozzle attached, otherwise known as a douche.
”Laura”: Oh, I thought you were teamed with Blade Alexander. Somehow I knew that even though I’ve never seen a wrestling program. I guess Jamie Staggs is teamed with Blade?
”Casey Williams”: No, Rage is the douchebag and nozzle, collectively known as a douche. Blade is a plastic sack full of fecal matter that came from the anus of a horse, also known as a bag of horse shit. That is my partner.
”Laura”: Okay.
”Casey Williams”: Okay?
”Laura”: Okay??
”Casey Williams”: Okay. I have to go, because I feel the need to work out all the time, especially now that my partner decided to be a drunk loser. It was good talking to you.
”Laura”: Okay. You take care Casey and good luck with you match.
”Casey Williams”: Thanks. I’m going to need it facing that freakin’ stud, that’s why I need to work out, because I need every muscle in tact to fight his awesomeness. Okay bye.
“Casey” hangs up the phone and begins lifting up two barbells that are obviously made of foam. He exaggerates his struggling with them to a point that it is obvious. He then throws them off to the side and picks up his duffel bag. He walks over to the door, and as he opens it, there is magically a restaurant on the other side that takes less than thirty seconds to get to magically, rather than making it a separate scene. He sits down at a table alone and begins to thumb through the menu while playing with his fork.
”Casey”: See, I’m going to take this fork that reminds me of my old tag team partner that most people never heard of. I’m going to stick it in someone’s forehead, but it certainly won’t be that sexy beast Jamie, because he would sooo kick my ass before I could get that close to him, because he is just so much cooler than I could ever dream of being. If I knew how to be half as cool, then Laura wouldn’t just be in my head, since no one has ever actually seen us together, and I’m probably making it up. But, I really need to pretend that I’m “Big Bad” because everyone needs to know that…
The waitress walks up to “Casey” and pulls out an order tablet and a pen. She smiles awkwardly at him as the bald cap slowly begins to peel away from Jamie’s forehead to a point it is noticeable.
Regina: My name is Regina and I am going to take your order now. But first can I get you a drink?””Casey Williams”: Hmmm. I only ever drink Jack and Coke or water bottles. Do you have either of those?
She pulls a water bottle from behind her back, and then reaches over and puts a glass of dark brown liquid in front of him.
”Casey Williams:” I would like to order now. I will take a steak cooked medium rare with a potato on the side with sour cream, butter, exactly five pieces of cheddar cheese, thirteen bacon crumbles, and seven chives, as well as a Caesar Salad, and a piece of carrot cake for dessert and three more Jakc and Cokes. That will complete my order for the evening, Regina. Thank you for your help.
Regina: You are welcome Casey Williams. I will bring it right out to you.
“Casey” still spins the fork around with an intense look of concentration on his face, refusing to look at the camera.
”Casey Williams”: Where was I? Gym… Laura… food… undeserved sense of accomplishment… Oh that’s right. I’m going to win this match because unicorns will fly out of Blade’s ass. Such a miracle is the only way we will ever beat Jamie, even if it was a handicap match, let alone Jamie having a partner who is pretty decent.
Suddenly, the screen skips movement a bit and the three course meal appears in front of Casey, however he just drinks half of a bottle of water instead of eating.
”Casey Williams:” Blade and I share some things in common. We both think we deserve things that we haven’t earned, and we bitch about things that everyone else has to do, but we are special so we shouldn’t have to. He has a girlfriend, and I have a girlfriend, even if she is just in my head. We are a perfect tag team. We are going to win because I’m working very hard to convince myself that it is true.”
“Casey” drinks down the second half of his water bottle, before taking another one out. He drinks it down, and then removes the cap from another. The screen flashes once more to show the plates of food are instantly gone, and “Casey” has about seven empty water bottles around him.
”Casey Williams”: I have to go now.
“Casey” stands up from the table and grabs his duffel bag and begins walking toward the door. Just then, Tommy “The Terror” Edmond comes crashing through the door, and the two half brothers begin laughing as Tommy swipes Jamie’s bald cap from his head, tossing it to the ground.
”Shit dude! Let’s get outta here before they actually think I’m Casey. That was pretty damn convincing!”The screen cracks and “Party Hard” plays once more as a countdown begins flashing across the screen and Jamie’s voice is heard once more.
”Your Dumbass University ValeDicktorian speech is coming up soon, but first, let’s watch a special Dick’d segment only found on our webcast, special for the hardcore fans!*BEEEEEEEP*As the countdown ends, Jamie Staggs has his hands cupped around the camera lens. He tries his hardest to stifle his obnoxious laughter, but his grin gives off the obvious impression that he is about to trick some poor, innocent person. He is able to control his laughter for just one moment as his widened eyes stare deep into the camera.
”Dude… Okay, so I talked to an old friend, and I convinced them that doing this would get them noticed by the higher ups in SCW for a championship opportunity. Seriously, everyone calls me a dumbass, but the fact that she believes it makes me seriously doubt my own unintelligence… Is that a word? No, well it is now… Oh shit, here she comes. Hahaha…”Jamie lets go of the camera and he turns away trying to act innocent as he looks toward the door of a department store during the busy holiday season. Jamie chokes on his laughter, and his wide Staggs’ smile is hard for him to hide as he watches Angelica walk through the door. Behind Jamie, Metalhead enters the camera’s line of vision and his eyes widen as he watches Angelica’s hips sway. She is wearing a black leather trench coat, and a pair of black stiletto heels, nothing much else is seen as her dark hair cascades down her back, flowing behind her as she walks.
”Bro, that girl is hurtin’ for a squirtin’ like bad!”Angelica pauses as she makes eye contact with Metalhead, flinger her purse over her shoulders and glaring at him.
”Listen up you skeevy sonovabit…””Dude, you are in the presence of a lady! Where the fuck are your manners? Remind me why I surround myself with such degenerates?”Metalhead cocks a curious eye at Jamie and then slaps him hard across the face before running off through the store. Jamie bites his lower lip as he grumbles to himself.
”Ummm, where is this booking manager? I don’t have much time, and I just want to get this over with, A. K. A. away from you.”Jamie sputters out a muffled laugh that comes across as a mist of spit toward Angelica. She gasps and then flings her hands around before wiping her lip clean. Jamie’s smile remains as he continues the conversation.
”Look, I’m doing you a big favor, especially coz your boyfriend embarrassed me on television just a month ago. You should probably treat me like a real person before I change my mind…”Angelica loosens her tight posture to relax a bit. A smile spreads across her glossy lips as she leans in closer to Jamie. She gives him a tight, friendly hug as her hands wander lightly.
”Sorry about that by the way. Um, if it makes you feel better, it was his idea to put you in the Lethal Lottery Tournament because he knew you would win.””No shit? I know we are gonna beat Blade and Casey, coz I hear Rage has a raging boner for beating the hell outta Blade. I haven’t seen anything from any of these assclowns that makes me doubt that we will be the champions. But… speaking of raging boners…”Angelica once again shudders, backing away from Jamie. She sighs out of boredom and looks around the store. Jamie also scans the store, as he looks over to fellow DAU members, Nate and Alex who motion for Jamie that everything is in place. Jamie gets a goofy grin as he continues to choke of his laughter. He walks down the main aisle of the store, and Angelica follows him closely, but not too close. They dodge the busy shoppers as the camera follows as closely as it can. They make it all the way to the end before finding the entrance to the mall. They remain quiet as Jamie fights back laughter harder as they approach the food court. Jamie spots Metalhead, Nate, Alex, and Tommy and they nonchalantly motion over toward a table where a mall Santa is sitting down to eat lunch. He removes the beard as he sighs and takes a bite of his Panda Express meal. Jamie points over at him more boldly.
”There he is, Angie.””Are you sure that is him? I’ve never seen him before, and why is he dressed like Santa? You better not be lying to me or I will rip your nuts off and choke you with them!”Jamie forces a serious look on his face, almost acting hurt by her accusation. He shakes his head and looks down to the ground before sighing and looking back at her curious gaze.
”Honestly, I’m hurt that you would think I would mess you over like that. I mean, we are tight…””No we aren’t, that’s why I have trouble believing you. He’s probably just the mall Santa.””Nah. Ummmm… He’s, like, dressed that way coz he, well, he is promoting December to Dismember. Christmas theme, hello?! And people call me stupid.”Angelica balls up her fists, but she tucks them into her back pockets as Jamie shakes his head in disbelief. Angelica clinches her jaws as she takes two steps toward him before turning back to Jamie.
”Are you sure about this?””Yes! Just go before he decides to leave or something. Go!”Angelica maintains eye contact with Jamie, still seeming to question it. She finally accepts it and slowly approaches the man. She looks back to Jamie once more, almost seeming shy now. Jamie grabs the camera lens and points it directly to Angelica who is seen tapping the man on the shoulder. She smiles as the camera quickly approaches.
”Hi, it’s me. Angelica… I just wanted to let you know that…”Angelica undoes the trenchcoat and lets it drop down to the ground behind her to reveal a red velvet bra, the top lined with white fur, and a single jingle bell on each side, as well as a matching pair of tight shorts that seem closer to lingerie than actual clothing. Her waist is lined with jingle bells as well. She winks and smiles as she finishes her last thought.
”I’ve been a bad, bad girl this year… But, I’ve been soooooo good at it, Santa baby!”Jamie rushes over with a boom box that begins playing Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby” as Angelica straddles a shocked, yet pleasantly surprised mall Santa. He leans back in the chair, completely ignoring his lunch tray. Angelica runs her hands through his salt and pepper colored hair, knocking his hat to the floor as she rubs his face into her stomach. She leans back, knocking the tray of food to the floor as she turns around, bringing his face closer to her well toned, red velvet covered bottom.
The camera turns around to face Jamie and the rest of the group as they point over to Angelica and Santa. Young children stare in a sort of awkward silence at the harsh scene playing out in front of them as their parents rush to cover their innocent eyes. A group of security guards quickly rush over to her and grab her off of the Santa, who protests in a gruff, yet inaudible manner. The angry parents begin shouting protests at the Santa as well as Angelica. Jamie laughs as the mall cops grab onto her arms and drag her toward his group. Once they pass him, Jamie walks up toward them.
”Angelica… I can’t believe you fell for that! You just got DICK’D!””I been such a bad girl this year, Santy Claus, he he!Metalhead giggles like a school girl as he finishes mocking Angelica, who lunges at Metalhead and Jamie, flinging her claws toward them before being subdued once more.
*BEEEEEEEEEP*The camera focuses in on Jamie once more as he walks through an empty parking lot late at night. His eyes are illuminated by the bright, fluorescent street lights. He hugs his hoodie closed as he approaches near the center of the parking lot, shivering a bit in the wind. He turns around in a full circle before continuing around to look into the camera, his cocky half grin in tact.
”So, I’ve devised a little game for you butt ugly assistants on Dumbass University. So, I am going to try to get serious, and give my honest opinions about my opponents, and the potential opponents, and my friends are gonna do whatever they can think of doing to make me lose my cool and freak out on them without actually touching me or causing serious harm. The one to get me to break concentration gets to slap me five times, at any given time or times. If I can get done with my speech, addressing every opponent as well as possible opponents, then I get to slap each of them twice at any given time or times. Touching me causes an automatic penalty of two slaps, one delivered upon touch, and the other at any given time, in addition to possible slaps. That’s right, it’s a slap bet! Thems the rules, now lets bring out the Dumbasses!”In the Northeastern corner of the parking lot, Metalhead walks up, wearing a black hoodie with chains dangling from the shoulders, as well as a pair of cut off jean shorts sporting various patches, pulling a red wagon with a tin trash can and various other things inside of it. He places his hands on his hips as he smirks at the camera. In the Northwestern corner, Nate Starr pulls up a black face mask and simply grins at Jamie as he holds his black trench coat closed. In the Southwestern corner, “Xtreme” Alex Bernhardt pulls up on a motor bike with plastic Super Soakers attached to the handlebars, as well as a bag. He honks his horn a few times as he puts up the patented rocker devil horns symbol with his hands. In the Southeastern corner, Tommy “The Terror” Edmond stomps up to the mark, pulling a large wrapped present on a rolling platform. He pauses, turning his right cheek toward the camera to show off a painted on “LMaO” just below the rim of his black sunglasses. He sticks out his tongue at the camera before turning to face his brother. A countdown begins, and Jamie pulls out a small sheet of paper. He turns around in another full circle, slowly, before a loud buzzer goes off.
“ Fellow Dumbass University Cocks, Today marks the dawn of a new era. As the dumbest of dumbasses, your appointed Vale-Dick-torian, I lead us into this era proudly. I’ve got a lot of shit for stepping back in the ring here in Sin City Wrestling. I went on record in GXW, saying that I would never do it. Everyone thought I was a just a sore loser. How could you not be a bit sore after losing to a guy with a perm and who wears make up? No, wait a minute. Before you give me sh*t about that, I wasn’t the only one. Rage did too.”Alex revs his engine as he speeds off toward the center where Jamie is looking deep into the camera. Alex begins circling Jamie, squirting him with milk from the Super Soaker. Jamie gently wipes at his eye, smirking a bit.
”I just couldn’t face the embarrassment, and that’s not usual for me of all people. It took me a while, but I’m back to it. I am back to doing what I love, and doing it the way I love to do it. Talk a lot of sh*t and kick a lot of ass while making myself out to be an ass. Good times had by all, except my opponents of course. A lot of people wonder if I still have it in me. They ask me how it could be any different now. I couldn’t be a World Champion in GXW, so why would I want to come to a place where the talent is on par?”Metalhead runs up on Jamie with an aerosol can with a horn attached. He squeezes the trigger once it is near Jamie’s ear, causing Jamie to pause for just a moment. He winces, closing one eye as he shakes a bit. Metalhead chuckles as he lets go of the trigger and places his finger just inches from Jamie’s forehead as he continues his speech.
”They would have me second guessing myself if I gave a damn, but that isn’t the case. I go out there to have fun and kick ass, inventing new ways to cause myself and others pain. I get a fuckin’ BRONER from it. No one understands that it is the biggest rush any person can get. Only a Staggs understands the thrill of jumping ten or more feet, not even knowing if you are gonna land your target. Only a Staggs could care less, because we got balls. We don’t care what anyone thinks.”Jamie gets tired of looking at Metalhead’s finger, and is relieved when Tommy nudges Metalhead forward a bit, connecting with Jamie’s forehead. He smirks, and without wasting time, he reaches back and forcefully slaps his hand across Metalhead’s left cheek, causing him to spin half way around.
”THAT’S ONE!”The lot laughs at him as Alex continues to circle around, spraying everyone, but mostly Jamie. Tommy strategically places the large wrapped gift in front of Jamie as he rushes back to Metalhead’s corner. Nate pulls a plush penis from inside of his coat and begins smacking Jamie with it in the face.
”Call me whatever makes you feel better about yourself. Retarded? Probably. Worthless… Meh, I might not be able to argue that too much. A f**k? Yeah, I do, and frequently, SCHWING! A loser? Sometimes. Dumbass? *Shrugs and smiles* It’s part of my moniker. Saying that is like saying the Kittie is a little bit psycho. No sh*t Sherlock Homes…”*Nate stops to whisper*
“It’s Holmes, with an L dude…””What about an ‘L’? I thought he was the dude with the magazine about gardens and other blatantly ‘mo-ish activities. No? Well, one person who makes sh*t talking a sport by itself will probably say those things about me. I’m ready for it. Blade Alexander… A third generation wrestler like myself. We have a lot in common, really. We both have nice taste in skankaliscious slutbags. The easier their panties drop, right? I bet Mercedes’ drop in like a split second, right?”Tommy hauls Metalhead’s bountiful cart over to the center near Jamie, as if to tempt him with the weapons of destruction. He stops upon hearing Jamie’s last statement, stumped.
”Bro, I don’t think that is his girlfriend, just his manager… It might be, it’s kinda unclear.””Wait… She isn’t he girlfriend? She is? Which is it dudes? I don’t care, because they like live together, don’t they? That means he gets it in. OH HE TOTALLY GETS IT IN! A piece like that doesn’t respect herself enough not to give a little something here and there. Believe me, I know! But wait! No seriously, I heard that Mercedes was in line for an Academy Award. The category was Most Convincing Performance when she was screaming ‘OHHHH YEAH BLADE! YOU ARE SO BIG! GIVE IT TO ME BABY!’ You just look at her face all the time, she looks so bored. He’s gotta be paying her like big time family money or else she would find her self a big boy. Better make sure she doesn’t find out what it’s like to be with someone who isn’t hung like a baby, or else she might drop you faster than she drops them panties.”Tommy, after rummaging through the wagon full of goodies, he pulls out a fire extinguisher. He tests it by directly spraying it at Jamie, causing him to sputter, and cough a bit. He keeps his eyes closed to make sure not to get the substance in them.
”And, Blade… One last thing for ya. You want to talk about my sister-in-law being a ‘heifer’? I mean, really? No disrespect to my brother, but, are you f***in’ kiddin’ me, bro? Like, are you even being serious? Or are you just jealous that someone already has dibs on that? I could understand that. Just because she has an ass that makes you afraid to bring her home to momma… An ass that just DOES… NOT… QUIT! An ass that is like heaven… in ASS form! Just that little, tiny bit of extra something that no other bombshell has, including that b*tchaliscious, Academy Award winning bedroom actress, eggs WAYYY too over easy, high dollar hooker of yours… Don’t hate on an ass like that, bro! Do not hate it, respect it. And don’t even get me started on those ‘milfaliscious coconuts’ because I’m not trying to have my brother and my wife trying to kick my ass. You, and every other male superstar, and some female… should walk up to my brother, and congratulate him on that fine piece he hooked. Just sayin…”Alex stops his bike and pulls the water guns from the handle bars, and he walks up to Jamie, spraying him directly in the face. Jamie sputters on it before turning his head to no avail as the milk begins spraying in his ears.
”Now, Casey Williams…”Everyone stops for just a second to laugh at the earlier “promo”. They resume torturing Jamie, trying to get him to break. Tommy sits back from the group a bit, whispering to Metalhead who chuckles.
”I know dude, you can’t even understand him coz he’s always eating or drinking something. Dude either has an eating disorder, or he just wants to make a statement. ‘I’m gonna rip you apart like this steak! I’m gonna chew you up and swallow you like this salami sandwich! I’m gonna squeeze the life out of you like this water bottle! Rawr I’m tall n’ stuff.’ Who is this dude kidding? I mean, he makes me look like a Albert Einstein or some shit. But that dude makes fun of himself, so I don’t really have much else to say about him, honestly. ‘Nightmare’ Sean Williams, on the other hand… His life is like Lifetime movie…”Alex tosses his guns to the ground once they are emptied, and he shoves Jamie, prompting him to stop in mid thought. He hauls back, and delivers a slap to Alex’s face, causing Alex to roar in a sort of primal sense of delight.
”THAT’S ONE! But seriously? Nightmare wants us to feel sorry for him because his uncle pimped him out. That sucks, bro. It really does. But, this isn’t Days of Our Lives, man. This is Sin City Wrestling. In case you missed the memo, it’s a wrestling program, not Skins. Showing us your therapy tapes isn’t gonna win you matches. Fighting will win you matches. Getting your mind focused on your opponents instead of the dude who piddled you… that will win matches. If you are lucky enough to skate passed your opponents, then you will see how that works when you face me and Rage. And pass on the memo to your partner. I Dick’d him a few weeks ago. I hope that he is what Tom Dudely cracks him up to be, so he can carry your team on to face us.”Tommy smiles and pulls a remote control from his pocket. He presses a red button and begins running. Jamie cocks his eyebrow in suspense and suspicion. Without much of a wait, a series of explosions burst through the wrapping paper, and Jamie ducks, running off screaming various curses. The fireworks of red, silver, green, and blue explode from out of a metal Santa statue, in the midst of the falling ashes from the paper. “Party Hard” plays from a speaker as Jamie shoves Tommy. Tommy grins and slaps him hard across the face, causing spit to fly.
”THAT’S ONE BRO!”The song continues as the scene fades out.
**Special Guest Appearance by...<img src=http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v674/GXWSpikeStaggs/Angelica1003111.png>
