Session Nine: Over the line.
”Last time...you mentioned something interesting. You seemed like you wanted to say something but then pulled away.”
Dr Whitlow had set the mood already, no small talk. No questions about the family, the husband and the children. No questions about the travel back and forth and the career that Alicia seemed to hold in such a high regard and position. This time, as she walked in and sat down in the dimly lit office there was a conversation that turned right to business. She knew what the good doctor was talking about, the comments at the end of the last session, and where it was going.
Alicia cleared her throat and went over to the pictures that Dr Whitlow had out. Of her as a young girl, learning at university to set up her future. ”This was your first moments of real freedom right?” Whitlow gave a small nod, Alicia sighed and shook her head turning back. ”That, right there, is a fallacy.”
There was an uneasy silence in the air, Whitlow sat down in her chair and crossed one leg over the other placing her notepad onto her thigh as Alicia turned away to look back at the wall staring right into the younger doctors eyes in a certain picture. One that seemed to be more candid than the others. She was not posed or ready for it. This was the doctor being pure, a moment of true personality. ”Why do you say that?” She scoffed and shook her head picking up the picture turning it to the doctor.
”The eyes….your eyes.”
She tilted her head back at Alicia, her eyebrows furrowing. Straining to understand her points. ”My eyes? I don’t follow Violet”
She winced hearing her name. She always did. It was a name that brought back so many memories. Ones that were never enjoyable or pleasant. She looked down at the picture again, her thumb moving around the bottom and back up before placing it back on the shelf. ”In that moment, you were just you. No care in the world, nothing holding you back. And that, well, that isn’t something you are born with that sticks around unless you have been nurtured in a free way.” She sighs heavily and goes back to the couch sitting down on the end, leaning forward with her hands clasped together.
”Hmm, I suppose I see what you mean. My parents were supportive, but never controlling. They gave me the freedom and love to choose the profession I wanted, then..” She trails off for a moment looking over at her diplomas with a small smile, back to Alicia who stared right ahead. ”They gave me the tools, emotionally and financially to chase it, tro succeed..”
Alicia gave her a small wink and laughed under her breath before leaning back. ”Those moments of freedom you had, you had prepared for them, you might have gone a little crazy, maybe had a few too many drinks a night or two. Maybe even kissed a boy” She shrugged and squeezed her hands together. ”But, you already had a taste and knew your limits.”
Dr Whitlow cleared her throat, took out her pen and shook her head with a grin. ”And her I thought it was my job to analyse you..”
They both laughed, Alicia put her hands over her head and sighed, it was a deep one, as if she had weight on her shoulders. Ready to let it go. ”I didn’t have that….I didn’t know my limits. I didn’t have that taste of it before hand to know when I should stop.”
”Oh?....so...what happened?”
Alicia leaned forward again and stared at the floor with a heavy heart. ”I overindulged…I went to far”
She hated techno music. In fact she hated it with a passion. Alicia had always been more of a rock and roll girl. Even some country, rap and heavy metal. But never techno. Dance music seemed so, soulless. It was just electronic noise arranged in a way to make beats and pulses. But, the last few weeks she had become a fan. Not that she really knew if it was the music itself, or the alcohol, or the drugs. But whatever it was made her feel open. It made her happy and lifted her above into the clouds.
This is what her life in Japan had become.
She would wake up, she would train, work hard, get ready for the weekend shows, do her best and then it was time to party. She and the other students, ones that she had become close to, they would go out, they would drink, and dance. The time off from training was a blessing, and a curse. She should have been using this time to heal, to let herself reflect on her dreams, her goals and how she was achieving them.
This isn’t what was happening. The music pulsed, the beats dances, the lights flashed and dimmed as she looked around. Her friends, training partners and assorted youth of Tokyo filled the dancefloor. Neon lights made everyone's white clothes glow on the dark, they all wore plastic tubes filed with fluorescent paint.
She danced like no one was watching. Moving her body without a care in the world. Many stopped to watch. There weren’t many girls like her in Tokyo, blond, tanned Americans. She had also shed the skinny little girl image putting on toned muscle in her time, her body becoming strong and athletic. She looked over at Takeshi, a smile on his face as he watched her dance, she smiled and slowly bit her bottom lip moving her hips to the side.
He moved up to Alicia and the girl dancing next to her, sliding a small plastic bag into her hand.
She looked down and smirked, it was a few pills. Colored green with a smiley face imprint. She slipped one between her lips and swallowed, the minutes started to blur as her body moved and felt free. She continued dancing, Takeshi moved around taking Alicia and the other girl by the hips. She smiled as he slowly put a pill against the other girls lips, he pushed Alicia towards her and their lips met as the lights continued to dance.
As she pulled away from the other girl she noticed it. The attention. The entire dancefloor staring, smiling, cheering over the music. Alicia smiled, threw her hands in the air and let out a scream as the next song started. But her scream echoed out and now it was just her….
”Thing is, I didn’t see the damage I was doing.”
Dr Whitlow scribbled a few things down, her glasses sitting on the end of her nose as she looked up. ”Damage?”
Alicia swallowed hard and cleared her throat before pushing up to her feet walking around the office. She shook her head and threw her hands in the air. ”That kind of attention feels great, at first.” She raised her eyebrows and gave a shrug. ”But soon, when you realise that, it’s all they see. That they can’t see passed that and who you really are?...well...that’s just the start of a bad reputation”
A blemish on the record.
”I can’t help but feel I’m being set up to fail.”
Alicia growls, she shakes her head, she does everything she can to keep her anger in check as she paces back and forth in her backyard in New York.
”It’s no secret that Ruby Steel and I have our issues. See, before I get into why I’m being set up and why I’m about to fuck up your precious little plans, let me remind you all what has been going on around here. See, a month and a bit ago, I lost to Keira Fischer Johnson. A match I shouldn’t have lost, a matchy that every single metric says I should have won. And I got so angry about it, so frustrated that I was considering walking away from the sport and profession I love.”
“Think about that for a moment. Let that thought linger in your mind. I was going to walk away, not just from the SCW Bombshells title hunt, not just from Sin City Wrestling. But from professional wrestling. Period.”
“Me. One of the most accomplished, decorated and respected women in this business.”
“I was going to walk away and toss it all and flush it because of a loss to someone who, lets face it, can’t even lace my fucking boots. And, did I get anything from any of you? Did I get a message asking me if I was alright? From anyone? From Christian? From Mark? From any of the other so called talking heads in charge of this place? Nah, nah of course not. You know what I got? I got kicked while I was down. I got Keira, Jessie Salco and Mercedes Vargas talkin shit.”
She can’t help but scoff and roll her eyes. Pacing even more as she seems to lose control of the anger that had been building and building.
”So then, well then I decided to stick around, before I could make the announcement Courtney pops her head in, so I repaid that disrespect with a little justice. Meanwhile, I challenge Jeira. She dips, she says I’ll never face her again cause she’s scared. Jessie Salco runs her mouth, I challenge Jessie to a match where she would actually have to put up or shut the fuck up, and she folds. Fast. The only person in this company who said she wants a piece of me is Ruby Steele and she wants it for revenge, not for any other reason.”
“I returned to the ring against Seleana Zdunich. Someone I have faced, and beaten almost as many times than I successfully defended MY bombshells title, which for those of you keeping score at home, is a lot.”
“So, it seems the stage is set right. I get to roll on into a show and put Ruby Steele down. I get to end her miserable career and send her home to Courtney so they can both nurse broken bones and dreams together. So I could clear out a few other pieces of dead weight from this division that has become overgrown with useless weeds”
“Out of the goodness of my heart I was going to help SCW and make the Bombshells division somewhere to be proud of again. And how am I repaid? Hmm?”
She pauses a moment and raises her eyebrows.
”I am made to be a fucking obstacle for someone elses dreams of glory. I’m being placed in front of Myra Rivers and forced to face her where she is the only one with a clear goal and a reward. I mean, what, I should want to beat her to stop her from getting a title shot when I don’t get it if I win? Are you kidding me? This division is so devoid of talent that here I am, busy trying to get myself a damn right with someone who actually wants it, to get pulled out of that and thrown against Myra as a fucking afterthought…”
“And the worst part is, that any other time, any other place and in any other situation I would be looking forward to this match.”
“See, I know what people say about me, that Alicia hasn’t changed, that she is just showing who she has always been. But, they just don’t want to admit that they changed me. And even though I am angry, even though I am done giving unearned respect I can still recognise talent. Whether I personally like the individual or not. That doesn’t matter. And it’s obvious I have a debt against Myra Rivers.”
“See, Myra has beaten me, one on one.”
Alicia becomes visibly angry as she growls under her breath.
”I would be lying if I said that didn’t bother me. That Myra has the right to say she’s better than me. And trust me, I am keenly aware that she along with Amber Ryan has that right. I’m not blind to your talent Myra. I’m not. It might seem that way if you believe what everyone says about me. I’m smart enough to know how good you are. Take out the fact you beat me, take out the anger I have with that and the frustration. And I’d still be excited about this match if things were different.”
“I’d be facing a woman who broke records, who held that Internet title longer than anyone who racked up defence after defence after defence. Admittedly it wasn’t always against the top competition but you still did it against some real talent. And I applaud that.”
“Shit the only way you were able to have that title taken from you is by getting beaten by Amber Ryan and we all know how good she is.”
“But, this match Myra. It’s insulting. And not because it’s against you. But because of what it represents”
Alicia stops pacing and turns on her heels facing forward.
”Apparently I have fallen so far that I’m being used as a pawn in a stupid little show. You said you wanted to earn your shot at Amber Ryan despite the fact that you, in most peoples minds, are the number one contender. So, to “prove” that you get matched up with me. And some people would believe this is a test for you, that they are putting you through ba trial by fire. But you know what I see Myra?”
“I see Mark and Christian losing faith in me.”
“I see the management of this company thinking that I am such a fucking pushover that you are going to turn up, prattle on 3one of your long winded promos, repeat yourself fifty times on the show, then waltz your way down to the ring and steamroll over me like I was Violet Holt or Bea Barnhart.”
“That is what I see.”
“That is how I feel.”
“Thing is Myra. That isn’t what is about to happen. See, I might not be getting the title shot if I beat you, but, I do, I get to avenge a loss, I get to prove to you, to Amber, to Christian and to Mark that I am still the head of the goddamn food chain. That I am still the best of the best. That I can still go toe to toe with Amber Ryan, and trust me, as much as I would love to beat the hell out of Ruby Steele on a big stage, I would forgo that for another shot at gold and instead smash the shit out of that little twit on a indy show in front of ten people and a disabled assistance dog…”
“So get down to that ring Myra, try and prove you belong in the ring with Amber again. And realise that sometimes, it’s better to shut the fuck up and not look a gift horse in the mouth.”
