In the bustling streets of Tokyo, Alex Rush can be seen walking through a crowd, standing in front of a train station. Alex is wearing a pair of black leather pants, a see through fish net vest, and oddly, a tall top hat on his head. Around his neck are chains with different symbols on each one and in his hand, a black walking stick with a golden lion on top of it. He wags the stick at the camera as he looks at the cameraman.
Alex: There's some banging things in that station mate. They have this things called like bullets. Not the ones in guns that go bang bang, not those magic ones you see on those late night infomercial's when all the people sit around, and some bloke throws something in a blender, and not even those silver bullets that vibrate like crazy and when a bird puts them in the right place down sarf of the knicker line, it gets them all excited.
Alex winks at the camera.
Alex: I bet a few of you birds at home have one of them in the bedside table thingy and thinking later, ya gonna check the batteries, nothing to be embarrassed about sweetheart, it's all natural, rawr!
Alex pauses for a second, clearly lost his train of thought.
Alex: Yeah right, in there, we have these thing called bullet trains, and they're trains, shaped like bullets, bang bang bullets, magic bullets and the ones that makes the ladies go ooooooooooh. They sound interesting, right?
The camera stays completely still, causing Alex to lift his shoulders next to his cheeks and place his hands out in front of him.
Alex: Well come along Dave the cameraman, play along a bit here. I said it sounds interesting, right?
This time, the camera moves up and down with a nod, causing Alex to smile.
Alex: That wasn't so hard was it fella?
The camera shakes from side to side as if someone was shaking their head. Alex's face turns unimpressed.
Alex: Alright pal, don't milk it. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaanyways, it sounds interesting, dunnit?
The camera bops up and down once more.
Alex: Listen mate, ya don't get any extra doh ray me every time ya move the camera. Back to where we're goin' 'ere or I'ma get bored. It sounds wickedly interesting, but like those meme things say, ain't nobody got time for that! In fact, I got a lot to do today. I found out like yesterday that the little blonde bubble of fun Melody Grace has got me on her team for a game that ya gonna see later this week, and it means, I gotta toughen me arse up.
Alex turns around showing his rear to the camera and looks over his shoulder, his finger on his lip in a model pose. He takes his finger off his lip but stays in that position to talk.
Alex: Me rear looks alright to be fair, but it needs to be toughened up and I didn't have the best of time last time I was in the ring against Ryan Keys.
Alex turns around and waves down the camera.
Alex: Hi Ryan pal.
He gives a quick thumbs up, but scratches the side of his head.
Alex: Where was I? Trains.... sex toys.... bubble of fun.... Hi Ryan... Ah yeah.
Alex snaps his fingers.
Alex: Ryan was a proper tough one and my sumo training did not go as planned with the dreaded nut sack to the mush, 'orrible salty taste, but at Into The Void V, I gotta face a fella who, if you saw his picture on Twitter earlier this week, he's working hard for this match, and his arm is like the size of a babies 'ead or summing, so I thought to meself what I need to do, so I went for a beer and played some boobie bongos. After the boobie bongos, I started thinking of wrestling, and what I have ta do this week. I need to train, but not with fat dudes in thongs, I have to get ready for scary stuff and I have to fight the big guy with the baby 'ead muscles, so I thought who can train me not only to be fearless and gimme a chance to beat Markus Reeves?
Alex puts up a finger.
Alex: NINJAS!
Alex points away from the camera.
Alex: Let's go then.
Alex walks past the camera and the camera spins around to show Alex stopping at a vending machine, looking in at row after row of female underwear, he turns back to the camera and back to the vending machine, looking at a small sign written in English.
Alex: Worn underwear...
He looks back at the camera.
Alex: You Japanese people are a kinky bunch! I like that!
Alex walks away from the camera, leaving the camera to rest on the venting machine. After a few seconds, he comes back, looking at the venting machine with more interest. He waves the stick at it, a thoughtful look on his face before shaking his head and walking away. The camera switches to somewhere else.
A room with hay covering the floor, shaped in a pentagon shape, Alex Rush stands in the middle of it, looking around, as he is dressed in loose fitting black clothes, match pants and shirt. He looks around the room.
Alex: I gotta do this to toughen up a bit, I know that Reeves fella is gonna be tough to beat, I mean the guy was really mean. Not was he was picking up on that sort, she was bit of alright, but when he was chatting afterwards, he was a mean fella. People have heard of me all over the world, I've sold out gaffs everywhere for donkeys, how can this guy not have heard of me. I know, I'll send him a CD after the match, sign it, let him have a little listen, and he might love it.
A noise comes from behind him, causing him to jump around and look.
Alex: Guy likes to play with dolls, that's cool and all that, but men who play with dolls like play with bigger dolls. They're a bit ugly and made of latex, but most fellas would prefer knobbing some plastic rather than walking around with a little cloth doll in their back pocket, people with little cloth dolls are just weirdos when they're old enough to have retired before. But the guy is right about something, I was touched when I was too young to be.
Alex's head drops as he looks sad before it pops right back up again.
Alex: It wasn't a mean man, I was fifteen, she was eighteen and she had the biggest pair of bangers I've seen in me life! Under her shirt, it was like two bald blokes going head to head, it was fantastic! Seen bigger now but these bangers will always gimme a happy memory. For bangers like that, she could smack me on the arse and call me Susie any day!
A cheeky grin appears on his face.
Alex: Fella, trust me, you think you know hell but you've never woke up next to two naked birds, three midgets and a goat and not remember what ya did the night before, that's real hell pal. The night started with me having some grub at me mums and I wake up with a goat running round, try figuring that one out and not thinking it's hell. I get ya got an issue with people who make it in life and wanna try something else, I feel ya man, I mean Paris Hilton made that wicked tape that one night, and coulda had a career in it but had to switch to music, but I'm ok with making it fair. Would ya like to come and have a little sing song at me next gig? I'll let ya on stage if ya promise me one teeny tiney thing?
Alex holds his finger apart by about an inch.
Alex: Promise me you'll stop using lines like own personal hell, feel nothing like pain and suffering, don't get in ya nut cause I won't like what I see, and that ya gonna hurt me. FYI pal, it's been said by every bloke that's been in a ring. After being a fan of wrestling since I knew how sleep, I've heard those lines and they're pretty tired. They're so tired, I don't even 'ave to give 'em a bot bot and a blanky and send them off to the land of nod, they dozed off all by themselves like a big boy.
Alex hears another noise, causing him to jump around.
Alex: Now, why you're lifting weights and dusting off the idiots guide to how to talk about a wrestling match, published in the 70s, I'ma do some real training.
Alex turns around looking for people in the shadows.
Alex: Where are ya, ya ooga booger bastards, I know ya heeeeeeeeeere.
From out of nowhere, four men, dressed head to toe in black jump out around Alex. He looks around, spinning between the four.
Alex: Ain't this where someone plays Kung Fu Fighting?
The four men charge towards Alex and attack. The camera switches towards the floor, where the shadows of a fight is happening.
Alex: Ouch! Me crackers! Not cool mate!
The shadows swing viciously around more, before the camera moves back to the fight to see Alex standing above the four men, each man on the floor. He grins at the camera.
Alex: Well, that was fun. I ain't telling ya how I did that but isn't a little bit of television just magic. Right, real training time.
As Alex says that, ten more people appear, dressed in black around him. Alex tugs on his collar.
Alex: Did I say real? I mean more of that TV magic.
The men scream out and charge at Alex.
Alex: Bollocks!
The scene fades as the men get towards him.
