WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR?
Narrator: It seems like James Tuscini winning Sin City Wrestling’s Internet Championship has stirred up jealousy in a lot of wrestlers. This jealousy conjures up names such as Kris, Steve Ramone, Samuel McPherson, and others. However we’ve noticed that Calvin Harris did the right thing by congratulating Tuscini on his win. What needs to happen for those wrestlers who are jealous is that they need to stop distracting themselves with their jealousy of James Tuscini and focus on their wrestling matches and their opponents. Oh well that’s their problem. James Tuscini has no problems as he’s a Singles Champion again and nobody can take that away from him especially not jealousy of other wrestlers.
The scene comes into focus at Sam’s Town in Laughlin, Nevada, where Sin City Wrestling is holding Climax Control 189. We see James Tuscini, and his Uncle-Manager Pinky del Ferrando, standing with someone in the backstage area and they look like they are ready to air a segment or something. James is dressed in casual attire of blue jeans, black athletic shoes, and a blue pullover shirt. Pinky is a bit more dressed up wearing a casual black suit with white shirt and red power tie. The person standing with James and Pinky begins his comments.
Currently Unidentified Man: Hi! My name is Ralph and I’m a spokesperson for the Unilever company that makes Klondike Bars. I’m here today with Sin City Wrestling Superstar, and current Sin City Wrestling Internet Champion, James Tuscini along with his Manager Pinky del Ferrando. Do you two know why you’re on camera with me today?
James: To interview me, the Internet Champion, so you can boost your company’s ratings?
Pinky: If you’re here to get us to sponsor your products fuhgeddaboudit! We can’t be bought!
Klondike Bar Spokesperson: No no no! I’m not here for that reason! I’m here to conduct a spontaneous, on-the-spot, unrehearsed, live on the air, not previously recorded, “WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR?†commercial. Are you two up for a challenge?
James: Well we both love Klondike Bars so, yeah, give us some challenges and let’s see where it goes.
We hear the familiar jingle that goes “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?†Then the spokesperson for Klondike Bars asks them a question to challenge them on what they would be willing to do to obtain a free Klondike Bar.
Klondike Bar Spokesperson Would you let a dirty, stinky, toothless, flea-infested, homeless woman, who hasn’t bathed for a month, sit on your face?
James: That’s an easy one! Both myself and Uncle Pinky would gladly do that for a Klondike Bar. I mean, come on, that’s why they make toothpaste and mouthwash and nothing a hot shower and lots of soap can’t wash off!
The Klondike Bar Spokesperson hands a Klondike Bar to James and one to Pinky for their honest answer and then he moves on to the next challenge question.
Klondike Bar Spokesperson: Would you drink a bottle of soda or beer knowing that someone pissed in it?
Pinky: Can’t you do better than that? When I grew up very poor in the slums of San Francisco we had to drink water that was worse than being tainted with piss. Give us our Klondike Bars!
The Klondike Bar Spokesperson hands another Klondike Bar to Pinky del Ferrando and one to James Tuscini and then me moves on to the third challenge question.
Klondike Bar Spokesperson: Would you go on a dinner date where you knew you were being set up with a woman who, by any means of description, would be classified as a cross between a Water Buffalo and a Warthog?
James: Nothing wrong with dating an ugly woman as they often put out better than the pretty ones.
Pinky: Considering some of the ring rats I’ve ended up with after a few drinks having a woman who is a cross between a Water Buffalo and a Warthog would be a step up! Give us our Klondike Bars!
The Klondike Bar Spokesperson hands one Klondike Bar to James and one to Pinky and then he informs the two he will give them his last question as a challenge to get their response.
Klondike Bar Spokesperson: Here’s your final question and challenge to see if you would be willing to do ANYTHING for a Klondike Bar. Would you deliberately take a dive in a wrestling match to allow an opponent to get the win? Also would you take a dive to allow an opponent to get the win AND obtain the Title Belt you’re holding?
The look on the faces of James Tuscini and Pinky del Ferrando are priceless.
James: Not only NO but HELL NO!!! F*CK NO!!! As much as I love Klondike bars there’s no way I’d take a dive in any match and especially not in a Title defense match even if the wrestler I was facing was a top notch wrestler! You can take your f*cking Klondike Bars and shove them up your ass with that question!
Pinky: How dare you even think of asking a question like that! From this moment forward the two of us will never eat Klondike Bars again!
The Klondike Bar Spokesperson is about to offer comments to defend his question but Pinky del Ferrando gets in his face and the man backs down as Pinky slaps the Klondike Bars out of the man’s hand and then he pushes him backward. The Klondike Bar Spokesperson quickly leaves the area where the segment was being aired leaving James and Pinky standing there. Pinky informs the Network they will continue with their comments concerning the match James has for Climax Control 189 and that the Network will not cut the camera feed for the air time until Pinky tells them they can.
James: I can’t believe anyone would ask me if I would take a dive in any wrestling match! What the hell? Do they think I’m Floyd Mayweather, Manny Pacquiao, or Connor McGregor? Pacquiao and McGregor are doing staged fights with Mayweather and they get paid millions of dollars for taking a dive in the fight. Why should those two care if they get over $10 Million for taking a dive? You’ll never see me take a dive in any fight! NO, NOPE, NO WAY, HELL NO, F*CK NO!!!
Pinky: Then we have Griffin Hawkins making challenges for the Internet Championship within minutes of James earning the Title Belt. I know Griffin has a good wrestling history outside of Sin City Wrestling. Although that is commendable his performance so far in Sin City Wrestling is 1-1 and that’s not what earns you a shot at James Tuscini and his Internet Title Belt. Gee, Griffin, get a few more wins, and this time against tough opponents, before you knock on our door demanding a shot at James and the Internet Championship.
James and Pinky look at each other before returning to focus on the camera to continue their comments for their upcoming match.
WHAT EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW
James: Have you noticed what happened recently? Calvin Harris won the World Heavyweight Championship and the next week I won the Internet Championship. Have you noticed that even though Calvin Harris hasn’t been placed on a card since his win that the fans, other wrestlers, and all the sportscasters, constantly mention the name of Calvin Harris? Same thing happened when I won the Internet Title Belt. The fans constantly mention my name. Other wrestlers mention my name. And sportscasters cannot get enough of mentioning my name. There are many wrestlers in Sin City Wrestling, who have been here for many years, and even though they’ve held Title Belts, or they currently hold Title Belts, you rarely hear their names mentioned. That tells you all you need to know how well known and respected me and Calvin Harris are.
Pinky: Preach it to the congregation James!
James: As I’ve said many times jealousy is an evil taskmaster. There are so many wrestlers who claim they don’t care about Title Belts but all they do is demand shots at Title Belts. They claim they don’t care if the fans support them or not but as soon as the fans start supporting someone else these wrestlers throw a fit and complain about the non-support of the fans. These wrestlers need to know they are defined by the term Hypocrite which means you say one thing then you do something else. I’m not a hypocrite. Calvin Harris isn’t a hypocrite. We both say what we mean and mean what we say.
TIME TO LET MY OPPONENT KNOW WHAT THEY ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE
Pinky: On Sunday, August 20, 2017, at Climax Control 189, James Tuscini will be facing off against Calvin Harris in a Standard Rules Singles match. Neither Calvin’s World Heavyweight Title Belt or James’ Internet Title Belt are on the line. This match is not about Title Belts. It goes deeper than that. This match pits James against Calvin Harris who is the opponent of Dmitri at Violent Conduct IV. This match is to give Harris a major challenge before having to walk into Violent Conduct IV and face Dmitri with the World Heavyweight Championship on the line. I see this match as a chance for James to prove he never backs down from a fight and that he can wear down Calvin Harris before he has to face Dmitri. Well, James, what do you think of this wrestling assignment for Climax Control 189?
James: I have tons of stuff to say. That means the Network is not going to cut the air time until I’m finished with what I have to say. I would like to state that having the privilege of facing off against Calvin Harris is an honor anyone would be proud to have. Maybe there are some of you who don’t like the fact that Calvin Harris is the World Heavyweight Champion. I honestly don’t give a damn what you think or how you feel. I respect Calvin Harris for being in that Six Man Last Man Standing Battle Royal with me a few weeks ago and coming out as the winner. Am I happy that Dmitri ended up runner-up and I was the fourth wrestler eliminated from the match? Not happy about that at all but that’s how it went down and we have to deal with every match as they happen and accept the results. Calvin I salute you for your accomplishment in becoming the current Sin City Wrestling World Heavyweight Champion and I want us to have an awesome match that shows the world we are both great competitors and deserving of the title of Champion.
Pinky: I enjoy making a head-to-head comparison of wrestlers in matches to see if either has an advantage. In this upcoming match we have Calvin Harris coming in at 6 feet 2 inches and 227 pounds. James Tuscini comes into the match at 6 feet 4 inches and 240 pounds. A difference of 2 inches and 13 pounds doesn’t give either an advantage as I see it. James is a Technical-Brawler wrestler which is why he fared well in the Roulette Division as he is able to keep it Technical or fight it out depending on the Rules and Stipulations of the match. Calvin, on the other hand, is an all-around wrestler, who can easily take advantage of a match regardless of which direction the match goes. Do either of them have a clear and distinct advantage? Sorry but I don’t see one. I see this match coming down to which wrestler makes the first mistake that his opponent can take advantage of. Who will be the wrestler to make the first mistake? I dunno. I want it to be Calvin Harris, and of course I don’t want it to be James, but I don’t know how it will turn out and nobody else does either.
James: Everyone needs to know that I’ve had a talk with Dmitri and I told him I don’t want him to be involved in my match with Harris. I told Dmitri that Pinky is allowed at ringside as he is my Manager and his job is to cheer me on, offer encouragement, and to prevent others from interfering in the match. I told Dmitri I don’t want my match tainted by him showing up and interfering in the match. I’m a great wrestler and whether I win or lose this match, as long as the wrestler who wins accomplishes that legally, I don’t mind. I don’t let a loss here and there ruin my wrestling career. On the flip side I don’t let a win here and there inflate my ego to the point where I feel I should never lose. I simply want a fair and honest match, where the winner wins legally, and that myself and Calvin can both be happy with the final decision on the match and shake hands out of respect for the accomplishments of the other.
Pinky del Ferrando is about to make some comments when the representative from the Network tries to inform him there are only a few minutes left so they need to hurry up and finish their comments. Pinky takes offense to this and fires back at the Network representative.
Pinky: Apparently you morons at the Network have worse listening skills than half the wrestlers in Sin City Wrestling! I already told you we’re in control of this air time and I already told you that you will NOT cut the feed for the broadcast until I inform you we are done! I suggest you back off and tell the Executives at the Network if they cut their feed on us they will see me in person and they honestly don’t want me to visit them in their Executive Office Suites! Is that clear?
The Network Representative quickly backs off and calls into the Network to inform them what was just said. They inform their Representative that they heard every word Pinky del Ferrando said and they guarantee they will not cut the feed until Pinky tells them it is okay to do so. The Network Representative informs Pinky of the decision of the Network Executives and Pinky is happy they agreed with him.
Pinky: Now you see how to get things done around here! You have some assholes who want to disrespect James as the Internet Champion in Sin City Wrestling and they think because I’m an old man they can f*ck with me also. You just found out who has the big balls around here and it isn’t the Network or their Executives!
Pinky del Ferrando performs the standard in-your-face Italian smart-ass gesture of grabbing his nut sack with his hand while stating...
Pinky: I got your domination right here!
Pinky releases his grip on his nut sack and he and James continue with their comments and they plan on taking as much time as they want since they own the air time now.
Pinky: Sometimes you have to let the full-blooded Sicilian Italian nature take over to get things accomplished. But enough about having more whup ass in my little finger than most people have in their entire body. Let’s continue talking about your match with Calvin Harris.
James: *Ahem!* So, Calvin, as I was saying, before the Network interrupted us and Pinky verbally kicked their ass, I don’t go into matches with the intention of injuring my opponent. Well, okay, when I wrestle against Kris or Steve Ramone I really do have the intention of injuring them but not because I’m an asshole but because they deserve to get beat down. With you, Harris, I have the ultimate in respect for you and what you accomplished. We are similar in that so many people refused to give us a chance. They said we shouldn’t be receiving a shot at a Title Belt unless we earned it. But you know what Calvin? It isn’t other wrestlers who decide who gets a shot at a Championship. It is Management who looks at the accomplishments of everyone and they make the decision who gets a shot at which Title Belt. I’ll be honest with you. I had a few shots at the World Heavyweight Championship and I came up short. I had several shots at the International Championship too and also came up short. Shit happens and in those cases where I came up short it was my fault. My opponents didn’t cheat me out of a win. I’m not going to do the Steve Ramone Stand-Up Comedy Routine where he stands there and blames everyone but himself for his loss. I accept what happens in the wrestling ring and I use every match, win or lose, to better myself, improve my performance in the ring, and by doing so Management felt I was ready for another shot at the Internet Title Belt. Now here I am, and there you are, as Internet and World Heavyweight Champions. Just a month ago nobody gave either of us a snowball’s chance in Hell of obtaining a Title Belt and now the two of us own Hell. How could the other wrestlers not admire that? Because they are jealous that’s why!
Pinky: We mentioned this before but it bears repeating. Calvin this match you have with James is a Standard Rules Singles match. We want this match to be totally under the rules of this match. We want this match to be an example to everyone that a match conducted fully within the rules and stipulations of the match can be one of the most exciting matches they have ever seen. There’s nothing boring about two highly qualified and experienced wrestlers going at each other and winning legally.
James: However Calvin, and this is a big however, if you go outside the rules of this match, if you cheat, if you have interference, if you in any way violate the rules of our match to try to screw me out of a win then you need to fully expect me to go outside the rules in self-defense. If you want to take it outside of the rules, and if our Referee allows that to continue, then so be it. If you go off the rules and the Referee disqualifies you for doing so then you have to deal with your loss by disqualification and you have to own up to what you did. As for me I don’t plan on losing by getting myself disqualified. I don’t plan on losing because I violated the rules of our match. I plan on coming out as the top dog on the dog pile so that I can brag to the world that, once again, I did what others refused to believe I was capable of doing. So, Calvin, how this match goes is in your hands. You decide your destiny by either adhering to the rules or violating them. All I ask is for whatever choice you make, and that whatever the outcome of our match, that you own up to how your actions affected the outcome.
Pinky: Now we have come to the end of our comments. I know this thrills the Network as we just took up about 30 minutes of their air time that they wanted to use to let some worthless piss ant wrestler air their comments. Instead of complaining that we used up 30 minutes more airtime than we should have been allowed to do you should be thanking us for saving you from having to listing to boring wrestlers state boring things about their boring wrestling abilities. To the Network you now have my permission to cut the feed.
The Network Representative looks relieved that he can finally extricate himself from this hostage situation put on him by Pinky del Ferrando and James Tuscini. He calls into the Network to inform them they can finally cut the feed and they do so and replace it with a commercial break.
