Rock. Bottom. You know, that place that so many of us have to hit at one point or another before we can truly change our lives for the better. We have to hit rock bottom to open our eyes to the dark road we are headed down. For some, rock bottom ends in irreversible tragedy. But for others, rock bottom is a saving grace. I’m one of those lucky ones I guess.
Three months ago, my eyes were finally opened to the mess that I had made of my life. And I was finally able to see just where I was headed if I didn’t make a change, and soon. I wasn’t expecting taking time off from SCW so soon, nor did I really want to, but when I was stupid enough to let myself get caught drinking backstage...Well, I was given no choice was I? And that was just the start of my downfall, because the stress of being kicked off the Japan tour turned into something worse. Much worse. And I could have easily spent a considerable amount of time in jail, but again I didn’t.
I know I claimed up and down that I hated my twin sister, Riley. I blamed her for our parents constantly overlooking me when we were growing up and, ultimately, blamed her for my a Nobody in everyone’s eyes. The fact is, that wasn’t the case. The truth is, I’ve needed to change for so long, I was blind to what was really going on. Riley was always just trying to help me. She wasn’t trying to sabotage me. No one was.
I was sabotaging myself.
After I beat the hell out of Riley and nearly killed her and she forgave me, I knew what I had to do. I didn’t wait until SCW returned to Las Vegas to talk to Christian Underwood. I didn’t try and fight to keep my job and come back to SCW. No, I did something I never ever saw myself doing.
I checked into rehab.
I had to face the cold hard truth. I had anger issues. I was, of and on, a cutter. And eventually, the cutting wasn’t enough to cope with my problems so I turned to alcohol. I’m not even twenty-one yet and already I’ve had a drinking problem. What a mess, huh?
I wasn’t certain of how my future would pan out. I had no idea how long I would be in rehab or where I would go once I left, but after I talked to Riley, face to face after I attacked her, I knew it was what I really needed.
So I walked through the front doors of the rehab facility, nervous as hell…
And I checked myself in.
Thursday May 19th
Las Vegas, Nevada
Undisclosed Rehab Facility
You can do this, Alexis. Just move your feet and walk inside.
What the hell am I saying? I can’t fucking do this! This is a sign of weakness, and that’s the complete opposite of everything I have ever worked for. No. Doing this is a complete mistake. I need to just turn around and head back to my apartment. I need to meet with Christian Underwood as soon as SCW comes back to Vegas and fight to keep my--
What the fuck am I thinking?! I nearly killed Riley the other night, and I’m a complete disaster. Because of my occasional cutting and worsening drinking problem I’m also a danger to myself so I have to do this. You have to walk inside, Alexis. Get a move on it!
It takes me several minutes of standing outside the building with a bag of clothes in hand. I stare at the doors and the entire outside of the building and just argue with myself for a while before I take in a deep breath. I put one foot in front of the other, and I can feel myself shaking. The nerves have completely consumed my body, and I’m not entirely sure why. I shouldn’t be ashamed of this decision, right? I’m going willingly, which is more than other people can say.
It seems like a never ending walk, but I finally reach the doors. I grab a hold of the handle and open the door before stepping inside. And if I thought the nerves were bad as I was standing outside, they’ve increased ten-fold now. I stand directly in the doorway, my eyes falling on the front receptionist desk. There are a couple of people in the waiting area just to my right, no doubt here to visit someone.
But not me. No, I’m here to check myself in.
The receptionist looks up and spots me at the doorway. I’m standing there, frozen, and looking around completely terrified. She offers me a friendly smile as she greets me from behind the desk.
Receptionist: Are you alright, miss? Is there something I can help you with?
I look around nervously and take a few more steps forward. She keeps her eyes on me the entire time and I adjust the strap of my bag over my shoulder as I approach the desk.
Alexis: If you’re one of the shrinks here, then I hope so. I’m, uh...I need to check myself in. If that makes sense.
She nods at me, remaining friendly and non-judgemental the entire time. I’m a little surprised by this, but she turns her chair around and walks over to a file cabinet, taking out a sheet of paper. She turns back around and grabs a clipboard and a pen, handing them all to me.
Receptionist: Let me start by saying congratulations on taking the first step towards your recovery. Voluntary admission is a rare thing, so we always applaud anyone who is able to make that decision.
Alexis: Uh, thanks. I think.
I set my bag down on the floor and take the clipboard, glancing over the paperwork quickly.
Receptionist: I’ll need you to fill out that form in full with as much detail as possible. Try not to leave anything out, as every bit of information you give us will help come up with a treatment plan or your therapists and doctors here.
I look at the questionnaire part of the form and let out a laugh as one question catches my eye.
Alexis: Last sexual encounter? Are you serious? I’m here for my drinking and anger problems, not a damn pelvic exam or some shit.
She lets out a laugh and shakes her head at me.
Receptionist: This is a rehab facility, sweetheart. Addiction comes in many forms. Substance abuse isn’t the only form.
Alexis: So there’s sex addicts here, too? Shit, this should be interesting.
Receptionist: Sexual activity of any kind is forbidden, so don’t get any ideas.
I let out an awkward laugh and shake my head.
Alexis: I’m not some sex-crazed whore. I wasn’t getting any ideas. I was just...Nevermind.
Receptionist: You can have a seat in the waiting area while you fill out your paperwork. Once your finished, bring it back to me so I can put your information into the computer so one of the therapists can start the admission process.
I nod slowly, still unsure of my decision to do this, but I pick my bag up from the floor and walk over to the waiting area. Just as I take a seat, the two people there are called down the hall to visit their loved ones, leaving me alone, thankfully. It takes me a while, but I eventually fill out the form completely and the most truthful as I can and I walk it back up to the receptionist. She points me back over to the waiting area where I return to the seat I was in before.
I sit in the waiting area for what seems like hours. My left leg fidgets from the nerves and I occasionally bite my nails. Just when I’m tempted to get up and walk out, though, a middle aged woman in a pant suit appears from down the hall. She’s holding a file folder in her hand and glancing down at it.
Therapist: Alexis Edwards?
Well I guess it’s now or never, right? I slap my hands against my knees and grab my bag as I walk over to her.
Alexis: That’s me. Shall we get this show on the road, then?
She looks at me sternly and turns around, motioning her hand to follow her.
Therapist: Right this way, Miss Edwards. We’ll get this show on the road, as you say, shortly. First I need to have an initial consultation with you in my office. An initial ice breaker, if you will.
I let out a laugh and she turns her head to glance at me. I immediately go quiet, almost feeling like I was being quietly scolded by one of my high school teachers. She leads me to her office and I look at the name on the door.
Alexis: Kathleen Lambert. So...should I call you Dr. Lambert then?
Dr. Lambert: For the time being, I think that would be most appropriate. Please, have a seat, Miss Edwards.
I take in a deep breath and walk inside, taking a seat in one of the chairs just in front of her desk. She follows and closes the door behind her then walks around the desk and sits in her chair. She places what I only assume is my file on the desk in front of her, but she focuses all of her attention on me.
Dr. Lambert: So, Miss Edwards. What brings you here?
My jaw drops open slightly, and I’m at a loss for words. Did she seriously just ask me that? I’m half expecting her to finish speaking, but she folds her arms across her chest and waits for me to speak.
Alexis: Seriously? You read the form they had me fill out. You know why I’m here.
She nods slowly and she keeps her eyes locked on me as she responds very calmly.
Dr. Lambert: You’re right. I did read the form, so I know why you wrote that you’re here. But I’d like to hear you say the words. I want to know what brought you here, because speaking is a major factor in your recovery. If you don’t talk, then you’ll only be here longer.
I let out a laugh.
Alexis: Umm, yeah I don’t think so. I’m voluntarily checking myself in. I can voluntarily check myself out anytime I want.
She shakes her head slowly, catching me off guard.
Dr. Lambert: It unfortunately doesn’t work that way, Miss Edwards. You can ask to be released at any time, yes, but as your treating therapist, I have to sign off on your release. So, if I don’t feel you’re ready to go home, then no, you can’t just voluntarily check yourself out whenever you want.
I can feel the rage building inside me. This bitch can’t seriously do that! I’m not some damn prisoner and I’m not going to let her treat me as one, either.
Alexis: Well if that’s the case, then I think I made a huge fucking mistake. I came here to get help, not to be treated like some damn prisoner!
I try and quickly stand up from the chair and hightail it out of the building, but she speaks up again.
Dr. Lambert: Sit down, Miss Edwards.
Alexis: Stop fucking calling me Miss Edwards. My name is Alexis! And why the hell should I sit down? You can’t just keep me here for as long as you want!
Dr. Lambert: Fine. Alexis, would you please sit down? I have no intention of treating you as a prisoner. My job is to help you, but you need to want to help yourself in order for it to work.
Riley’s swollen and bruised face flashes in my mind and I slowly sink back into the chair.
Alexis: I do want help. That’s why I came here! I mean I’m a fucking mess and the other day I almost killed my twin sister. I...I need help.
Dr. Lambert nods slowly and she stares at me with an almost understanding look in her eyes. She should be disgusted after hearing that, but she’s not. I guess I never gave doctors and shrinks enough credit.
Dr. Lambert: And I’d like to help you, Alexis. I’m going to help you as much as I can. You clearly have a lot of underlying anger issues along with your admitted alcohol abuse and self-mutilation so I’m not expecting this to be easy. And neither should you. Change doesn’t happen overnight, Alexis. So I wouldn’t expect that to happen.
I bite my bottom lip nervously, letting every word sink in. I know she’s right, but I don’t think I’ve ever been this terrified in my life.
Alexis: So how long do you think I’m going to be in here then?
Dr. Lambert leans forward, placing her palms on the desk.
Dr. Lambert: Honestly, it all depends on how cooperative you are with your recovery. The easier you make things on the both of us, the quicker you will get out of here. Does that sound reasonable to you, Alexis?
I think for several moments. Several long moments, actually. I take in a deep breath and nod, letting teh reality of the situation truly sink in.
Alexis: Change doesn’t happen overnight...
Dr. Lambert nods with a smile and she closes the folder containing my information. She eventually leads me down to another room where I’m officially admitted to begin my recovery process. The entire time, as my nerves are racing, I make it a point to repeat that sentence over in my head. My new motto as it stands. Because change really doesn’t happen overnight.
But I had just made an important step to changing for the better.
As it turns out, change would happen a lot faster than I thought it would. I guess I was more open to improving my life and making up for the mistakes I was making left after right. I was making bad decision after bad decision, rapidly ruining my life and it almost cost me everything. But the second I made the right decision and checked myself into rehab, it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
But I missed SCW, and being in the six-sided ring the entire time. The rush that I felt every time I stepped into the ring against any opponent was missing from my life, and I couldn’t let it stay absent for long. So I made that one of my goals. I made it a point to keep my return to SCW as something important, because I knew that the way I left SCW wasn’t the way I wanted to be known. I couldn’t let me being kicked off the Japan tour for drinking backstage be the last memory people had of me. I had to make my return, but I had to be different when I did.
And I am. And I’m not going to let Evie Baang ruin all of this for me. I won’t sit here and waste my time talking about her, because I’ll save that for when the time comes. And it will. Trust me, it will.
What I need to do now, though, is focus on the woman standing between me and my successful return to the ring. A woman who I don’t even know because she made her debut during my time away. My opponent this week.
The Ravishing Romanian...Amy-Jayne.
Amy-Jayne, I have to be honest, I don’t even know if you’re watching this right now. I’ve done my research on you, and from what I can tell, you’ve turned into a major disappointment. Welcome to the club, chickie. But at least people had high hopes for you. They were looking forward to seeing what you would bring to SCW. I don’t know if you let that first loss get you down right off the bat or what, but ever since then you’ve just been...a let down.
I get it, Amy-Jayne. I really do. But the difference between you and I? People actually believed in you. They had faith in you and they had high hopes for you! Just a few months ago I would have given anything to be in your shoes and had the respect of so many, but I didn’t. People hated me, for good reason, and no matter how hard I fought, it didn’t change things. And I just started to let everyone down. I let myself down.
I’m back in Sin City Wrestling now, Amy-Jayne. I’m back, and I’m all the better for it. I’ve changed and I need to show people I’ve changed, and that begins with this match against you. Some people might not think this match against you is an important one, but it is to me, Amy-Jayne. Because I’m using this match as a way to send a message not only to Mark Ward, Christian Underwood and all the fans...but also to Evie Baang. You know, the woman who you couldn’t even beat a couple of weeks ago. How ironic that she faces you in her big debut, and I face you in my big return.
It’s not good for you, though, Amy-Jayne. You see, I tried to use my presence at ringside to distract Evie. I tried to help you, Amy-Jayne, but you couldn’t get the job done. But I will when I face Evie. And I’ll get the job done against you, too, because I seem to want it more than you.
After this match, Amy-Jayne, I want you to do us all a favor. Just leave. Don’t be here if you truly don’t want to be, because your roster spot can be given to someone who truly wants it. Someone who will put in the work and the effort to make a name for themselves, because clearly that person isn’t you. And I’m going to prove that to everyone this Sunday.
I’ve been gone three months, Amy-Jayne. It might not be that long, but to me it felt like an eternity, but I promise you that I haven’t forgotten all of my training. I haven’t forgotten what it’s like being in the six-sided ring, wrestling for all of the fans. But you want to know the most important thing right now?
I haven’t forgotten what it feels like to win. And I WILL win on Sunday, Amy-Jayne. I can’t afford not to. It’s nothing personal, Amy-Jayne. You just drew the short stick this week, and you’re going to pay the price.
Alexis Edwards is back...and she’s here to stay.
See you Sunday, Ravishing Romanian.
