11. It felt good in the light
Crush
The light came into my life. A pale skinned golden haired angel with a cute smile and an adorable laugh. Her accent a mishmash of where she had been and what she’d been able to pick up. I’m not even sure why she and I got together. I should have hated her. I should have despised her very existence and presence.
She was after all..related to the vile thing that pulled me into heel and ruined me.
I admit some of it was lust. I had no idea what I was. Straight, Gay, Bisexual, A-sexual. Those words held little meaning to me. All I know is when I saw her, when she took care of me I wanted her. Every single part of me ached for her. Begged for it and needed it. This was also a mistake. A huge one.
I thought I’d be able to be happy again.
I thought I’d be able to forget my past and let it go.
But this relationship, however life affirming was going to do even more damage than the one with the dark angel and his followers. While I would never be physically abused by her my emotional state would break and crack. I’d let her in my walls and she would break everything inside them. Piece by piece. Brick by brick, she got inside my head and she brought it all down and burned it. And then played in the ashes.
I let it happen.
I could of stopped anytime, I could have pushed her away. I could of said no. I could have retreated back into my own personal hell. But the golden haired girl drew me in. And that mistake was one I regret….
Don't tell Me To Face it
Your wasted
The Love we Lost I Found in Someone new
The Invitation she leaves beneath my skin
To Feel that Body Rise and
Swallow me in her Abyss
And Now I've seen all your Ghosts
And Now I Fear I've lost my Soul
6 Years Ago
New York, New York
Her lips touched mine in the softest of ways, her hands drifted up and down my arms, her fingertips feeling like they were delivering a hundred electric shocks. It caused goosebumps all over. Her hand moved through my hair down my back drawing me close. We both laughed and giggled, we both smiled and gave each other soft looks of affection and what we thought was love.
Her bright blue eyes stared into my emerald green ones. We were almost opposites. Her long blonde hair in contrast to my jet black waves. Her pure pale skin looking different to my tattooed olive complexion. We would walk around hand in hand and people would look and stare. From confused looks of older generations, to the perverted smirks of random men to the smiles of happiness from others who understood love they all had their different gazes.
She and I were happy together. For a time.
I would sit at the kitchen table as she made dinner. I watched while she would hum a random song and do the most mundane things like cut up vegetables or made a smoothie. We enjoyed ourselves at home, just us. Until it was time to go to work. And what a time it was. With her by my side I was unstoppable. I won a championship that no one could take off me, I was simply the best of the best at that time.
She showed me love, she showed me compassion. She showed me how to be the best as she stood by my side. But after a while the same old doubts, the same pressures overcame us both. And then as we watched each other drift away we both knew the mistakes we made would form us into things we didn’t want to be.
But she was the harshest lesson, she also would prove to destroy a man who took my heart and could have been the real love of my life….
Present Day
”You know, if you’re going to hide in my house, the least you can do is watch Dawn while I try and get some cleaning done..” Tasmin Richards, with her newly dyed black hair, something that brought her in line with both myself and Amber, folded her arms over her chest. A frown etched on her lips as she shook her head. I tried to hide my annoyance at the comment, not so much looking after my baby niece, shit I’d do that anytime, not that I’d tell Tasmin that. More so at the “hide” comment. How dare she.
I don’t “hide” from anyone.
I raised my eyebrow turning toward her with a groan and a shrug of my shoulders, moving to the other room where Dawn was swinging in her little chair. She was four months old, her fingers kept finding her way to her mouth, the best thing I liked about my niece though, she couldn’t talk. I sat on the couch, a bottle of water on one hand, my phone in the other, Dawn looked up at me and made a cooing noise, I couldn’t help but smile. If I was being honest with myself I was honestly jealous.
Jealous of Tasmin. Jealous of her life. While I had more professional success, high paychecks, championships and positions in high level companies, Tasmin had everything I wanted away from the ring. She had a man who loved her and doted on her. A relationship that was a partnership, she had a family. A child. A home that was completely and utterly her own. And what did I have?
I had my job, the fact that in SCW and in a very short time I had become a two time champion and infamous for my attitude and being difficult. I had that and nothing else. I thought I had my “ride or die” with Finn, but lately I had no idea if that was real or in my head. I just didn’t know what I wanted anymore. Did I want success? To be that cold hearted bitch that locked myself away so I didn’t get distracted?
Or did I want the same happiness my sister had?
My eyes trailed to Dawn, my sister and her husband made her. They made life. And that was a greater accomplishment than anything I have done. I could have that too, I know I could. But to get it I would have to do something I swore I never would. I would have to let myself become, vulnerable. And I wasn;’t sure I could do that. I wasn’t sure if my mind would let that happen and let me open up. My heart sank to the pits of my stomach, I looked over at Tasmin who was wiping down the kitchen bench, i laughed to myself and gently rocked the chair as Dawn looked around taking it all in.
My phone buzzed, the screen lit up, I looked down at the message. It was from him. Part of him cared, I know it did. He couold see through me and knew there was something else beneath what I showed people. But, I wonder…
How would he feel if he knew everything?
Family Ties
”Annnd new..”
A laugh follows the words. Kayla steps forward, the Internet title over her shoulder covering up a brand new black and purple “Dreamkiller” t-shirt. Her long black hair flowing down her back and shoulders as she chuckles again.
”It’s all well and good right? Alls well that ends well? Let me let you all in on a little secret. I should not be a two time SCW internet champion. Yeah, I know, shocking right. I should not be a two time champion because I should never have lost this damn championship to begin with. I wanted to make this title mean something again, I wanted to make it the top prize in SCW, not just the Bombshells division, the entire company. I wanted to elevate this thing up to a level rarely seen, the kind of level where big names from inside and outside SCW come flocking to try and win this championship.”
“And no, it’s not for the good of the championship and company, I get something out of it too. I make this title a prize and then I can go on to bigger and better things. I can go and try to become a triple crown winner and hold the roulette and world titles. Sure, the roulette title concept might annoy me, but if I can hold that I will be a legend…which means I command a bigger contract…”
“You see my thinking here?”
“So, I should not be a two time champion, cause this title should never have gone to someone who looked at it and treated it like a trinket to tick off a list. Every time I hold a championship I want to make sure I do well enough with it that people remember what I did with it. People remember me and my legacy as a professional wrestler grows. So, now that I have that out of the way I need to make something perfectly clear.”
“I don’t give a shit about how you feel about this.”
She pauses and smirks, flashing her bright green eyes and she clears her throat.
”I don’t give a shit if you hate me, I dopn’t give a shit if you love me. I don’t give a shit if you want to blast me behind my back or to my face. Cause the longer you talk about me, the public meltdowns, the promos on SCW television, the whispers behind my back as I walk by the locker room or in twitter DMs as you all cry to Mark and Christian, all of your constant whining and crying about me just feeds my ego.”
“And yes, I have a huge ego. And why shouldn’t I? Have you seen what I have done in SCW? In a very short amount of time I have become a two time internet champion, I have beaten hall of fame names and former world champions. Kayla fucking Richards is no joke and the sooner you all realise that the better we will all be. And that is the biggest issue of all.”
“You have a failure to understand and interpret how good I really am. You all seem to believe I’m all talk, or rather all bark and no bite. Well, why don’t we ask Keira how that went hmm? Or Krystal? OIr Seleana?”
“Ask them all how that went for them, ask them all how I am nothing but a talker.”
“Now, one thing I hope is that I don’t end up hearing the same tired bullshit from Bella Madison. And you know, I don’t think I will. See, I;m about to do something I very rarely do, and that is say something nice about an opponent. I know…shocking.”
Kayla laughs to herself, she adjusts the title on her shoulder and stretches her back before clearing her throat.
”Bella Madison. Is not a complete idiot.”
She swallows, pushing the bile that just rose up from her stomach back down again as she feels what can only be described as personality induced nausea.
”However, I need to make something very clear to everyone, including Bella. I am not a part of Wolfslair. At all. See, there seems to be some kind of miscommunication here, I have been in that gym before but I am in no way a part of their little group of the gym at large. Finn and I are close, yes. But I am not a part of it and there for have no emotional attachment to any of the women who train there that are also a part of the company. Bella, Zoey, Alicia….all of them….they are great wrestlers for sure but as far as people? Well..”
“I’ll step on every single one of them to realize my goals and dreams.”
“So, Bella, while I can agree you are a talented kid and someone who so many people want to see succeed I have to be completely honest with you, even I kind of want you to. You remind me of my younger sister. And I mean that in a purely personality sense. You and her have alot in common, you are both very similar and that gives me this weird feeling when I look at you kid.”
“I want to see Bella Madison become a champion and reach the top of a company. Whether that be here, or at PWS Apex, or somewhere else like PWE or one of the other companies out there, I want to see you be a champion. I want to see you live up to your mother and fathers legacy.”
She smiles and shakes her head before looking at the internet title and scoffing.
”But, just because I look at you and feel, sympathy, or pity, doesn’t mean it’s going to happen Bella. See, I can agree you have talent, I can celebrate that and I can be honest with you and myself and say that you always have a chance to beat me. Not much of a chance but there’s a chance. You can always find work in wrestling, you will always have chances to climb the ladder but you are someone who lacks the killer instinct to be the person you really want to be. And hey, I get it, you disagree.”
“You think of yourself as someone who has a tempter and can use it and who will go the extra mile to win when you need to, but, if you look at your history, your past and what you have done can you REALLY say that? Can you be honest with yourself and look in the mirror? We as a species are creatures of habit Bella, we try so hard to break cycles that we get ourselves caught in and more often than not we fail”
“And you have a cycle of coming so close yet being so far. Always the bridesmaid never the bride, always a contender never a champion. Atleast, not one of any substance.”
“So, I’m going to give you some advice. You talked about your desire to either reach the “brass ring” meaning my title or have a child. It’s a shame Bella, cause the result of wanting both of those will be the same, you laying on your back, with a more talented person on top of you…”