"I have always wanted this with Amber... long before anyone could ever realize…
The first time that I faced her last year, I had this feeling in my gut that somehow, someway, we were going to be rivals that would clash regularly. I knew that it would be no surprise at all if someday, we clashed with the SCW Bombshells World Championship on the line. Earlier this year, when the Blast from the Past tournament came about, when I was in that tournament and when Amber was getting set to challenge for the world championship, I knew going into Blaze of Glory that Amber was going to win. I was confident that I was going to do my part as well despite how I ended up in the finals. It felt as if the inevitable match between us was just a formality to happen at this point…
Two days before Blaze of Glory…
“You know the drill when I leave…” I said to my daughter as I saw the waiting cab outside from my living room. “Be good for aunt Adrianna like always, okay?”
“Of course, mommy!” Kimberly said with a smile on her face. She was long used to the fact that I had to leave home for SCW by this point. “You are going to win, right?”
“Of course I am going to win!” I said with a confident smile of my own. Not once did losing that Blast from the Past tournament final cross my mind the moment I felt like I was going to win it. “I’m not going to let you down. I’m not going to let anyone that is cheering for me down. You know how that works. I know that I’ve never disappointed you and that everything I do in my career is for you.”
Kimberly walked up to hug me at this point and like always, I was feeling touched.
“You’re going to win because you’re not like that blue haired girl…” Kimberly said, causing me to laugh.
“What is the blue haired girl like?” I asked her, making an obvious reference to Ruby Steele.
“She’s stupid!” Kimberly said, causing me to laugh. “I don’t like her because she talks too much and she thinks she’s better than she is. She was probably a bully when she was my age. She is also bad at music! I know you’re going to win!”
“Thanks for having so much faith in me, sweetheart…” I told her as we embraced again. I couldn't put off the moment much longer. I knew that the cab outside was going to start being impatient very soon. I stood back up and grabbed my luggage. Walking toward the door, I went to open it. However, Kimberly had one more question in mind.
“Mommy?” she asked with curiosity.
“Yes?”
“When you win, who do you want to face for the title?”
I didn’t know whether to beam with pride at how my daughter had so much faith in me or to beam with pride for the fact that she was so invested in professional wrestling at such a young age. Nonetheless, I took the question in stride.
“Amber? Or Christina?” Kimberly added.
“Amber…” I answered without any hesitation, causing Kimberly to raise her eyebrows in surprise. Her surprise only lasted for a split second before she expressed some confusion on her face.
“But Amber’s the bad guy, mommy…” Kimberly reminded me.
“Amber may be ‘bad’...” I said, taking a hesitant pause because I knew that Amber wasn’t actually a bad person. “...but… you know how I beat her in the tournament?”
Kimberly nodded.
“I didn’t do it the right way. The way I won the match isn’t something that I can be proud of at all. It wasn’t fair. Christina interfered and that takes away from that. So, I really hope Amber wins the title from her not because I like her and not because we’re friends or anything. She and I are never going to be friends. But that match and everything that happened? I have to make it right with her. We have to have another match and it has to be for the world championship. That’s the only way I can ever make that right. All that needs to happen is for her to win the title and for me to win the tournament. It won’t be easy. I know. But I have to prove to myself that I deserve to be in the finals and that I CAN beat her on a big stage. I have to make it right, Kimmy. That’s why I want to face her.”
Kimberly processed my answer for a bit, but she would nod, understanding where I am coming from.
“What Christina did was wrong…” Kimberly reminded me.
“I know, but I’m going to fix it. I’m going now! I love you!”
“I love you too, mommy!”
Kimberly and I said our final goodbyes before I finally opened the door and walked out of my home. I made it to my cab as quick as I could knowing that I was going to Vegas for Blaze of Glory as a woman on a mission. I was already thinking about the moment that I felt was going to be mine: winning the Blast from the Past tournament. I was already thinking about Amber winning the world title and how we were destined to clash.
“I loathe that Christina did what she did…” I thought to myself as the cab pulled out of my neighborhood. “She doesn’t deserve to be a world champion anymore after that and so help me god, if she ends up being the world champion that I end up facing, I am going to get my retribution for the way she completely fucked up my Blast from the Past tournament. I don’t let go of things like that so easily. But that’s fine. I’ll make up for that…”
The Blast from the Past finals and the rewards waiting for me in the event of a victory, and a possibility of having a world championship clash with Amber Ryan, was all that was on my mind at the point as I made the journey to Las Vegas. Of course, it never comes that easy no matter how much I wanted it to. Considering the circumstances, losing the finals of that tournament was an incredibly bitter pill to swallow that drove me to the edge…
Blaze of Glory…
It wasn’t too long following the Blast from the Past tournament finals. I had stayed behind to observe the world championship match that happened a short while later between Christina and Amber. I was fuming angry on the inside and I was doing an incredible job of hiding it. As I was watching CHristina and Amber battle it out, I thought about the tournament every step of the way. I thought about how Mac Bane and I managed to get by round one. I thought about the joy that filled my heart when Mac and I defeated Bill Barnhart and Maki in round two. I was feeling that satisfaction knowing that my journey to my ultimate redemption and my journey to finally maximizing the potential that I had was just two victories away. But when I glanced at the television and saw that Christina was in control of the match at the moment, I felt this incredible rage burning within me as this triggered the memory of when I realized that I had only beaten Amber because of her.
This anger was consuming my soul at a rapid pace. I hadn’t felt such hate toward someone in the wrestling business since my days back at Carnage Wrestling. I thought about how Christina tainted my victory and effectively tainted the journey that I had been on ever since I arrived in the company. I reflected on how winning the tournament was going to make that all go away and the failure of not doing so really began to hit me hard at this point.
“She had no business getting involved…” I thought to myself as I spotted a ring bell that was across the hallway from me. The temptation hit and seeing Christina in the control that she was at that point made that temptation grow quickly.
“How about I pay her back?” I thought to myself. “How about I take that ring bell and cost her the damn world title? My Blast from the Past is now TAINTED because of HER! I know in my heart that I am every bit capable of beating Amber Ryan having done it before and I never NEEDED nor WANTED her help! WHY did she have to get involved? For her fucking EGO? I’ll SHOW HER an ego! I’ll SHATTER her ego!”
I stood up from my chair and I walked toward the ring bell. I didn’t hesitate at all to pick it up whatsoever. I wasn’t thinking clearly at all, as the heartbreak and the disappointment of falling short in the Blast from the Past finals had already begun to cloud my judgment.
“Wouldn’t it be the righteous thing if I did the Sin City Wrestling Bombshells division a favor and not only cost her the world championship as revenge for the way she ruined my tournament experience, but if I also ended her career too? I should! I know her reputation. I know that just about nobody aside from her wife even likes her or wants her around to begin with. Wouldn’t the right thing for this business that I love so much be to finish the job Andrea started?”
Glancing at what was happening in the world title match and seeing that Christina wasn’t going away just fueled my rage.
“...it would be the right thing! She had no business getting involved in my match like that. She had no business doing what she did! Amber’s going to win this damn match if I have anything to say about it. There isn’t a person alive that is going to convince me not to go through with this! What Andrea put her through a few months ago is NOTHING compared to what I’m going to do to her…”
Constantly blinded by my rage, I began to march down the hallway with the ring bell in hand. I made it through the hallway and got close enough to the curtains, but once I actually got to the curtains, I felt this incredible, sudden sensation sweep through my chest, almost as if I was having a panic attack. I felt this weird chill go through my spine and I could feel my conscience experience a sense of conflict and guilt.
“I shouldn’t…” I thought to myself. “...or maybe I should. I’ve got to have mine for the way she ruined that tournament for me. It’s not fair that I had to deal with people saying that I only made it to the finals because SHE interfered. It’s not fair that I have to have that asterisk on my record!”
“It’s not…” I could hear the voice of my late mother say to me in my head. “But is it also fair to the wrestling business to go back to your old ways? Is it fair to what you stand for to throw it all away because of something that wasn’t your fault?”
This created an internal struggle within me. I didn’t know where my mother’s voice was coming from other than the fact that it was stuck in my own mind. But at the same time, I knew that the right thing to do at this point was listen.
“You’re hurt because you didn’t have the outcome you wanted…” my mother reminded me in my own mind. “I understand that it hurts to come so close and yet so far. I understand that you feel so insecure and that you feel like you didn’t belong in the finals because of what Christina did. I understand that losing in the finals is triggering so many emotions in you right now, Myra. But you know that this isn’t the way! You know that there’s a much better way to handle this…”
“What’s this ‘much better way’ that you’re talking about?” I asked.
“You need to let things take their course…” my mother responded. At this point, I didn’t mind that I was frozen in time in my own mind while trying to listen to her. “
“But so many people consider her the blight of the whole division…” I responded back. “...I can’t let her get away from this. She not only ruined my tournament experience, but she also stands in the way of the match that I really want: a world title match with Amber Ryan. You’re telling me I should just let her off scot free?”
“You’re not letting her off scot free! You have to be a bigger person. All of these thoughts and feelings are insecurities screwing with your mind! You’re telling me that you’re willing to make the same mistake that you made back in Carnage Wrestling when Maggie Lockheart beat you for their Ultraviolent title and you let that eat you up inside for weeks until you took that same ringbell, bashed it across her skull and severely altered her career? You’re telling me that after all this time, you’d be willing to do the same thing all over again to someone else? Think this through, Myra. You know that this is wrong. You know that if you go through with this, there is no turning back and you will never, ever be able to make up for this. If you go through with this, you throw it all down the drain: your redemption, your honor, everything that you’ve ever stood for, your credibility… all over what? A loss in the finals? Someone ‘ruining’ your experience? Are you really going to let her have that power? Are you really going to give into the demons all over again?”
My mother’s words really had me shell shocked. My heart knew that she was right even if my emotions and even if my mind was still trying to push me to go through with it.
“Do you really want to stoop down to her level, Myra?” my mother asked me to further push her point. “What’s Kimberly going to think when she sees you do the same thing from before that had her afraid of you and calling you a monster? You’re lucky that she even forgave you and that she was able to move on. But if you do this, you break any bond and any trust that you have in her forever. Do you want to throw what you have with her away just because of something you’ve overcome in your career again and again?”
Thinking about the fact that I nearly lost my daughter’s trust after the way I had snapped back in Carnage and realizing that snapping in this situation and taking out my anger on Christina by ending her career and costing her the world title would permanently result in that, I was finally able to snap out of my own thoughts. My anger disappeared in an instant and my out of body experience that I was going through with the internal conversation with my mother had ended. I had snapped back into reality and tears formed in my eyes.
“I can’t do it…” I realized, as I tossed the ring bell away.
“I can’t do it…” I said to myself out loud. “I can’t screw someone over just because I’m disappointed in myself over something not going my way. I can’t go out and get revenge on someone by doing the exact same thing that they did a few weeks ago. It’s not worth losing my career over. Even more, it’s not worth losing my daughter over. I can’t stoop to Christina’s level. The right thing to do is to just let what happens out there play itself out. The right thing to do, as hard as it’s going to be for me, is to lick my wounds from that loss I had in the finals and move on… even though I feel like this whole thing was a fluke right about now. I’m just so tired of this ‘so close, yet so far’ feeling.”
I signed, as my anger began to give away to sadness. The loss of the Blast from the Past tournament was really beginning to hit a different way now. I wasn’t mad at Christina Rose and at this point, I realized I was treating her as a scapegoat for something that didn’t go my way. I was far more sad and upset about the way the tournament ended. I took one last glance at a nearby monitor and I wound up seeing the very moment that Amber Ryan won the SCW Bombshells World Championship. I was numb, as my sadness increased. I wasn’t sad in any way that Amber had won the title. What I was forlorn over was the missed opportunity that I had on this night…
“So close…” I told myself as I watched the post-match stuff happen. “I was so close to getting the match that I want in this company more than any other. This is going to sting me for a while. If there’s any consolation from this, it’s that I know she’s too damn good right now to lose that title to Ruby…”
I focused on the celebration that was happening in the ring for just a bit longer, though the show was off the air at this point. I heard my phone buzz. I took a quick glance at it and I saw that I had a missed video call from Adrianna with a ‘call me back’ message attached to it. I didn’t think much of it as I saw a still image of Amber Ryan with the world title. Seeing this caused me to sigh once more…
“Someday…” I said to the image as I walked away from the curtains and began to walk back down the hallway. At this point, the doubts and the feeling of failure that I would express in that call to my sister when I called her back a short time later would begin to seep in.
As hard as it was, especially knowing the experience that I had when I almost lost myself and came THIS close to doing something I would’ve regretted for the rest of my life, the process of facing my failure and the insecurities attached to it had to begin.
Thankfully, I would ultimately pull through, largely by making history as the first Bombshell ever with a 300 day championship reign. But having something I really wanted torn away from me and going through a roller coaster of insecurity for falling short in the tournament final is something that, for better or worse, I’m not going to forget anytime soon…
June 17, 2021
"That chance will come! I’ll get my shot at Amber Ryan...” I told my best friend Jazmyn Rain in the backyard of my Miami home while a celebration of my 300 days as Internet Champion and my GCW Hall of Fame induction with friends and family was happening in the background. Jazmyn, who had her right arm in a sling from the shoulder surgery she had a week prior, looked frightful in the face of the story I just told her regarding how I was incredibly tempted to bash a ring bell across the skull of Christina Rose at Blaze of Glory. She cringed a bit remembering some of the torture I put her through in the past.
“In my heart, I know it will! I'll do ANYTHING that needs to be done to make sure it happens, even if that means getting a little retribution for the crap that Christina Rose pulled in that tournament..."
“At least the kind of retribution you can get this week is the RIGHT kind of retribution…” Jazmyn reminded me, regarding the match at hand this week. “...you purge those old feelings that were going through you at the time, in that ring against her, you defeat her, and you’re able to put that behind you. Gosh, that must have been… something else… having your mother strike your conscience at the last possible moment before you went out there and made what would’ve been the worst mistake of your life…”
“I’m not sure what else I can say about that at this point…” I said with a sigh. “But, that doesn’t change the fact that I STILL want that match with Amber to make up for what happened in the tournament because I’m damn sure not going to carry the asterisk on my shoulders much longer. I wanted it to be her and I at Into the Void and for obvious reasons, that didn’t happen. Jaz, can I tell you something that nobody else will hear?”
“Thirty plus years of friendship and you’re asking me that question?” Jazmyn said with an amused laugh. “Of course you can tell me.”
“This is going to sound incredibly arrogant and conceited and I hate that it’s going to, but inside of my heart, I feel like what I’m about to tell you is the truth and nothing but.”
“Then say it!”
“When I think about my journey, when I think about the world championship, when I think about the Bombshells roster and all of the talented women that are on it, I really feel like nobody deserves the next shot more than I do and that’s coming from the heart.”
“Some people might take it as conceited, but it’s true. I can’t think of anyone else that would be more worthy than you at this point. Alicia has had her shot. You just beat Roxi. Christina is just barely coming back. The only OTHER woman that MAY have a claim to fame is Andrea, but she’s still lost in the shadows right now. But, I’ve got to ask you… how far are you willing to go to get that one chance? What are you willing to put on the line for it to happen? What are you willing to do to get your ultimate dream match? How much heart and passion are you willing to give to attain what would no doubt be the biggest match of your entire career?”
“I’m willing to go as far as I possibly can… within reason, and within the honor and integrity of the business… to make sure that the main event of Summer XXXtreme is Amber Ryan and I challenging for the world championship. I am READY to take that final step, Jaz! You and I have talked about this before. I am willing to face ANYTHING to get that ultimate dream match and I know deep down that I’ve got SO MUCH to give to this business for many years to come, more than enough to get that match against Amber; more than enough to beat her and accomplish my goal of my fifth world championship and my 20th title overall.”
That passion and that fire was flowing through my soul at this point and the way I was answering Jazmyn’s questions really had her smiling.
“You’re serious about taking that next step and going for it all…”
“I am. Hell, if it takes me putting my own title on the line and risking my record setting Bombshells Internet title reign, so be it! You want to know how serious I am about this? You want to know what I am willing to put on the line? How about the best title reign I’ve ever had that has meant more to me than ANY other title reign I’ve ever experienced? THAT is how serious I am and if that doesn’t put me in the front of the line for a shot at Amber, I don’t know what the hell will! I’m willing to give anything! I’m willing to DO anything… whatever it takes… to prepare myself for the biggest match of my career!”
“I’d like to test that theory…”
Jazmyn’s words piqued my curiosity as I saw that she had pulled out her cell phone. She was searching for something on it.
“I’m going to have you face up to one of the biggest regrets of your wrestling career so you can learn somethi8ng and really become stronger as you go forward in this ultimate journey…”
“We’re doing this NOW?”
“You said you were willing to do anything to make yourself as ready as possible to take that next step right?”
I nodded, going along with it.
“Watch this…”
Jazmyn tapped her screen and handed me the phone and when I looked at it, I became completely numb when I realized I was looking at the moment where I snapped in Carnage Wrestling and began to beat the hell out of Maggie Lockheart with the ring bell. My jaw dropped in horror when I saw that and I was even shaking.
“Why is she showing me this?” I asked myself as I continued to watch one of my biggest regrets with horror in my eyes. “How is facing up to my past going to prepare me for a possible world title match?”
Time stood still as I let the video play to its end. Guilt and remorse swept me as I hated that I saw that moment all over again.
“Jaz…” I said with a sigh. “Why?”
“You need to know that if you go through with this, with Amber, that you’re going to be risking so much. I was in Carnage when you lost the Ultraviolent title to Maggie, remember?”
I nodded.
“I remember seeing how bad that tore you up inside when that happened and I KNEW at that point that you were going to snap on her if you ever had to face her again. You lost it on Maggie in Carnage, you almost lost it on Christina a few months ago. Losing big matches like the Blast from the Past final triggers these huge insecurities in you that has you going down the wrong path again, even for a moment. If you were to face Amber and lose… well… I shudder to think. Almost nobody in this business reacts well to losing the biggest match of their career. If that were to happen to you…”
“...so you’re having me face something horrible that I did to prevent me from making the same mistake again…”
“Exactly.”
More lamenting from me would follow.
“I know that I ultimately didn’t assault Christina with the ring bell and cost her the world title, and possibly her career, a few months ago. But the fact that I even thought about it… the fact that I did what I did to Maggie… I’ve got to be honest with you Jaz, it doesn’t make me any better than Christina. In fact… maybe… just maybe… I’m just as much of a screw up as she is…”
Realizing this really saddened me.
“Christina has always wanted to redeem herself for her wrongs, only for her to relapse back into the same old behaviors that made her so hated again and again. Look at me. I relapsed once. I almost did it again… on HER no less…
We get insecure and we get discouraged just the same when things don’t go our way… and easily at that. We both have let our pride and our egos get the better of us. Really, the only difference between her and I is that somehow, I have kept it all together in Sin City Wrestling and haven’t relapsed back to my old ways. Still, just coming close enough a few months ago scares me and makes me think that such an event is coming. You’re right, Jaz! What if I end up facing Amber and losing against her? Would my spirit be able to withstand that?”
This fear brought some tears to my eyes, though I was able to hold them back.
“I don’t know if it can…”
“It can… and it would… if it came to that…” Jazmyn told me as she came to me and used her good arm to wrap it around me in a reassuring half-embrace. She led me to the pool where I was seeing my own reflection.
“First off, it’s NOT going to come to that because I know that if you faced Amber for the world title, you’d win! I believe in you that much. But if it did, you’re going to be fine! You’re going to be strong and you want to know why? Because you’re no Christina Rose. You’re better.”
Hearing this from Jazmyn shocked me.
“You know why you’re the better person? Sure, you were tempted to cost her the world title as revenge for how she screwed up the tournament semifinals. But did you do that? No. Just THAT makes you the better person. You could’ve done what Christina did to Amber. You didn’t. You had a relapse when you did what you did to Maggie, but temptation or not, you STILL haven’t done it again and you’re past the point where that’s even a remote possibility. You should no longer burden yourself with that relapse that you had in Carnage when you fucked up someone’s brains with that ringbell. It’s in the past. It’s done. You’ve learned and you’ve grown from it and every single match in Sin City Wrestling that you’ve had, that’s exactly what you’ve shown. You think Christina has shown that? Even if she has, it’s not nearly to the extent that you have. And one more thing…”
“Yeah?”
“You faced Amber last year. You could’ve fought her with anger and bitterness in your heart that you had at one point over Carnage Wrestling and how things ended awfully for you there. You didn’t. You rose above that and made it about your journey and made it about SCW. You won. When Christina faced Amber? She did it with nothing but anger, hatred and bitterness in her heart and it cost her. So don’t you dare tell me that you’re no better than her and that you can’t redeem yourself when you’ve shown time and time again that you ARE better and that you HAVE redeemed yourself!”
“Jaz… thank you so much. I really needed to hear that. Facing something awful that I did… that was tough. But, I’m glad that you tested me that way. I feel like I’m even more ready to take that next step now. That was a nice reminder of how far I’ve come over the years…”
“I believe in you! I always have! You’re going to find a way… just like you always do…”
We exchanged an even tighter embrace as we both walked away from the pool and back into my home. Having finally forgiven myself for the Maggie Lockheart incident in Carnage, and feeling reassured by my best friend that I wasn’t just another Crystal Hilton, my confidence continued to grow. I wasn’t feeling as afraid as I was feeling before regarding putting it all on the line against Amber.
In my heart?
I knew that I was ready… ready to do whatever it took to get to my ultimate goal…
June 18th
The camera was on me and the Bombshells Internet Championship was slung over my shoulder. I was definitely in battle mode. As much as I wanted to think about Amber Ryan and what may possibly lie ahead and as much as I wanted to think about the fact that she was going to be on commentary, I knew that both things had to be as far away from my mind as possible. My focus at this moment in time was Christina. I quickly remembered the way things went with the world championship a few months ago when she lost the title to Amber in the first place. I remembered how she had ruined my semifinals tournament match in the Blast from the Past tournament and while that made me tempted to feel that anger all over again, I was able to put that to the side as I began to express my thoughts.
“The tough tests just keep on coming, and to cut to the chase, I am facing another one in Christina Rose. I know all about her accomplishments so I don’t need to harp on those. I know that she’s just coming back, but I’d be a fool to overlook her. Just facing you this week, Christina, is going to be a tough test in and of itself. But you know what is going to end up being the tougher test for me when it comes to this match? It’s going to be the fact that this Sunday, I am facing a mirror image of someone that I could’ve been had I not changed and evolved from my old ways. For better or worse, Christina, your reputation speaks for itself. In so many ways, we’re similar: we’re both coming from similar wrestling backgrounds, we both came up in this business as virtual prodigies, we’ve both achieved tons of success around the world throughout our careers… and then there’s the other side of the coin where we have both experienced similar falls. Just like me, you have had your fair share of screw ups too. Just like me, you’ve pushed the envelope too damn far at times, causing you to be one of the most reviled and hated women in the Bombshells locker room on a consistent basis over the years. Just like me, you have expressed guilt and remorse and regrets over some of the awful things that you’ve done and just like me, you have been on many a journey to make up for it all somehow. So just from that alone, I already know the kind of person that I am going up against because I’ve been down those similar roads. It’s a scary thought, knowing that I could’ve been you had I never snapped out of my old, dark ways and it’s a scary thought knowing that I still COULD be you if I ever relapsed back to them.
See, that’s the difference between you and I, Christina.
You’ve screwed up again and again and again and you have tried your hand at redemption again and again and again. You’ve relapsed more times than even Mercedes Vargas can count at this point.
Me? I screwed up and lost my way in this business ONCE and I’ve only relapsed ONCE! I’ve only needed ONE attempt at redemption to get it right. And I think I know why that is, Christina and the reason is in the heart. I have learned, and hell, I am still learning, to fight with the purest of hearts for this business. It hasn’t always been perfect, and I know I have my title number goals and everything, but at the end of the day, I do what I do in this business because I love to do it. I don’t focus on records. I don’t focus on being a big star. I focus on being the best damn wrestler and the best damn role model I can be inside of that ring and doing right by the business that I love and doing right by everyone that supports me and everyone that ever helped me reach the dance to begin with. This has been especially true during my career here. I wasn’t focused on records when I won my Bombshells Internet Championship and even when I attained them, I still focused on being the best damn Internet Champion that I could possibly be. I fight with the pure love and the pure passion that I have for this business in my heart, always wanting to do the right thing and always representing Sin City Wrestling and this division the way this division is supposed to be represented. With you? I’m focused on defeating a former world champion and one of the best this division has ever had, despite all of the controversy that has surrounded you over the years. For me, it’s about passing yet another tough test the way I have before against the likes of Roxi, Kate, Alicia and hell even Amber before! That’s why I’ve been as good as I’ve been, Christina, because I focus on the right things. That’s also why I am going to defeat you because while I fight for what’s truly right for this business and for this company and while I put the business and the company that I love ahead of myself…
You on the other hand? You don’t…
Your whole entire career, Christina? It’s all about validation for you. It’s all about wrestling with a chip on your shoulder and while there isn’t inherently wrong with that, you can’t seem to get out of your own way. You never do! More often than not, when it comes to your time here in Sin City Wrestling, you’re always tripping over yourself. You’re always doing something stupid or saying something stupid, showing that no matter how many times you say you have learned your lesson, you just don’t. You fight with pure ego flowing through your veins. I’ve never seen you express any true love that you have for what you do or about this business. It’s always got to be something revolving around YOU! I KNOW that you’re not fighting this match to test yourself against me. I already know, and you don’t even need to say it, that this match for you isn’t primarily about having an honorable match against me and testing yourself against a worthy opponent. I know going into this thing that yo9ur primary focus is going to be YOU and about how YOU can come back from what Maki did to you and how YOU can prove that you deserve a rematch for the world title and how YOU can send a message to Amber Ryan at my expense that this isn’t over! YOU, YOU, YOU, all about you and that’s exactly why despite all of your accomplishments, you have so many people in this company that disrespect you and give you so much shit because they see right through you. There have been times where you’ve truly shown heart, passion and dedication, but that only seems to happen when it’s convenient for you. After you beat Andrea at High Stakes, you showed those three things when you gunned for Keira Fisher and the Bombshells Championship and you DID show those three things when you beat her for the title and became champion again. But after that?
It was back to the same old shit with you and your title defense against Amber proves that. When you fought for the title against Keira and you won it from her, you had nothing but pure intentions. But when you defended it against Amber, it was NOT about being the role model champion that you needed to be. It was NOT about representing SCW or your championship proudly. None of that was in your heart when you defended against her. You know what WAS in your heart was nothing but anger and hatred. I get it, Christina. Amber Ryan is someone that knows how to push the right buttons at the right time very, very well, but you handled that whole situation incredibly poorly. You lost your fucking cool against her and you basically let her mentally defeat you for the title long before tha match even happened. Instead of rising above all of the crap Amber was throwing at you, what the hell did you do instead? You were making threats toward her on social media talking about how you wanted to destroy her and how you wanted to kill her. THAT is the type of representation that this business had at the time/ I’m sorry, that’s very deplorable to be putting those things out there like that. Just that in and of itself proves how stuck in your own way and how stuck in your own self-destructive ego you can be sometimes. Like I said, I completely get that Amber can be harsh as hell. I totally understand it because when I faced her last year at Into the Void, she didn’t mince words. She was brutal toward me. She said some things to me that I didn’t want to hear. She attacked me with truths that I couldn’t dispute and at the time, I was coming off of a loss to Bobbie Dahl at that. With the past that I have, and with the fact that I didn’t even have the confidence at that point in time that I do right now, I could’ve EASILY cracked. Some may say that I SHOULD’VE cracked. I could’ve responded back to Amber with the same vitriol and the same hatred that YOU did when you threatened to kill her on Twitter and when you decided you wanted to screw her out of the Blast from the Past tournament. I didn’t. Sure, Amber’s words hurt, but I endured them, I owned up to my shit, and I beat her.
You on the other hand? You let them push you off the edge and instead of owning up to your mistakes, you continued to compile them on top of each other and you ultimately lost the title to her because by then, Amber Ryan was living so rent free in your head that it was about being better than her far more than being the best wrestler and the best champion that you can be. We’ve faced similar adversities and demons, Christina, there is no denying that, but I know in my heart that throughout our times in SCW, I’ve handled them so much better! I showed how well I could handle it when coming right off that brutal loss in the Blast from the Past tournament, I came back from that and I made the history that I did with this championship when I beat Roxi at Into the Void. You? Last I recall, after Amber defeated you for the title, you were on Climax Control just about ready to retire and giving an emotional speech about it before Maki assaulted you and nearly ended your career. I’ve risen to the occasion against adversity, but for some reason, you’ve always had that tendency to crumble against it about half the time. Now, after begging for a match on social media, you’re ALREADY wanting to jump the line and get yourself your rematch? Did you learn NOTHING from your recent experiences? That’s the perfect example of what I’m talking about right there. You’re clamoring for a rematch against Amber, but you’re not clamoring for Maki. With HER, THERE is a real chance for revenge, but you’re not begging for THAT? That match was supposed to happen at Into the Void and it didn’t and I know some fans were disappointed with that, but hey, it HAS to be about the world title for you, doesn’t it? It HAS to be about YOU being better than everyone else and to have the upper hand on someone else and for me, there was no event that proved this more than the Blast from the Past tournament.
Screw the honor and integrity of that tournament, right, Christina? It had to be about YOU getting one up on Amber. You know, when you did that, that irked the hell out of me. I didn’t need you to get involved in that match. I didn’t need you to beat Amber and advance to the finals. I didn’t WANT YOU to get involved in that match. I would NEVER want ANYONE to screw one of my opponents over. I wanted to win that match fair and square. I wanted to win that tournament and I wanted to do it all the right way. But, you didn’t care for any of that. All you cared about in that moment was being better than Amber and having one up on her even for a moment. That was ALL that fucking mattered to you and when I first heard about what you did, it made me sick! I was DEVASTATED when I found out that I advanced to the finals that way because to me, it felt like my own journey was tainted and ruined. What YOU did, Christina, wasn’t just unfair to Amber and Despayre, it was completely unfair to Mac Bane and I too! Had Mac and I won that tournament, there would’ve been that asterisk. There would’ve been that ‘what if’. We would have had to deal with the detractors saying ‘well, you only won the tournament because Christina screwed Amber’. It would’ve completely tainted our victory had we gone ahead and won the tournament and in the back of my mind, I wouldn’t have been as proud as I could’ve been knowing that the moment that I never experienced in winning the Blast from the Past tournament would’ve been tainted and called into question because of YOU! It’s totally ludicrous that you even did that, Christina… especially when you consider the fact that I had beaten Amber before!
Not that you care, Christina, but you have no idea how that affected me. You have no idea the guilt and the sadness that I felt because of you. You are completely clueless as to how I felt like SHIT because of what you did. You think that didn’t have SOME effect on my confidence going into the finals? Because it sure as hell did… for a while anyway. You think that what you did didn't have some sort of effect on how I go about my business and do the things that I do? Because it DID! Instead of going into that match in the finals hungry, passionate, determined and ready to go, instead, I went into that match with an inkling of doubt, that feeling that ‘maybe I shouldn’t be here’, and more anger than usual… Ruby’s empty words didn’t help with that either mind you. Did you ever, even ONCE, think about how your actions affected other people? No. You didn’t. I don’t know if it’s ignorance, I don’t know if it’s because you really didn’t give a shit because all you gave a shit about at that point was yourself, that’s not my place to judge or anything, but did you ever ONCE come to me and apologize for what you did? Did you ever reach out on social media and acknowledge that what you did when you screwed Amber out of the tournament was completely unfair to me? You didn’t. When you DID reach out to me on social media, you were talking about wanting a match with me, like Blast from the Past never happened.
It bothered me.
It bothered me to the point that when I lost the finals of that tournament, I was THIS close… Christina… THIS fucking close to going out there and screwing you out of the world title just to have SOME form of retribution for what you did. But unlike you, I considered the consequences. I held back because screwing you out of the world title would’ve been extremely unfair to Amber and it would’ve made me no better doing the exact same thing that you did. That restraint separates me from you. You know what else does?
The heart, as I mentioned earlier.
Tempting as it may be, I’m not fighting this match for retribution or to get revenge on you for Blast from the Past and how you made me feel about my tournament experience when you did what you did. That wouldn’t make me much better than you, would it? Instead, what I am fighting this match for is to pass what I know is going to be a tough test against one of the best pure women’s wrestlers this company has ever employed. I’m going to put any needless feelings aside and I’m going to do what I’ve got to do. I know that beating you, the most recent former world champion, would cause some huge implications and really cement my claim as being the one most worthy of challenging Amber, but that’s not my primary focus here. This of course, is about doing what’s right by this business and by continuing to prove that I’m the best wrestler I can possibly be right now. This isn’t about being on top of the world and having all the spotlight, Christina. I don’t need the whole world to revolve around me. I just need to be the purest wrestler that I can be for this company and this business on any given night because THAT is how I’ve been successful in Sin City Wrestling and overcome the toughest competition I’ve ever faced in my career.
THAT is how I’ve been the Internet Champion as long as I have.
THAT is how I am going to defeat you on Sunday.
And most of all?
THAT is how I’m going to become a World Champion one more time…
With that passion and determination, I shut off the camera… fully prepared for the next chapter of the journey to come...
