Beating Necra Octavian Kane was definitely the outlet that I said it was going to be. I got a very good chunk of anger that I had been holding back for five years out of me though I knew that there was probably some repressed anger that was more than likely still inside of me. I felt that satisfaction for a moment, but the next day? I knew that it wasn’t going to be all THAT helpful as far as my current situation goes. For the time being though, anger stepped aside and it was replaced with that very familiar June swoon feeling.

As had been the case every Father’s Day since he passed, I was visiting my father’s grave. The last five years definitely came before me in a flash as I longingly looked at the gravestone in front of me, fighting that horrible wishing that he was still here somehow and that the day he died was nothing but a nightmare that I had yet to wake up from. I could long or wish for things to have gone a different direction, but I let out a sigh with a very harsh reality…

“It never gets easier…”

I sighed again as I continued to talk to my father the best way that I could at this point.

“I know it’s been five years, but it still feels like it happened yesterday. The truth is, when you passed away, it was like an entire world got ripped away from me. I regret what your passing ended up doing to me. I regret that I let that pain and the toxic words of toxic people that I was dealing with at the time turn me into something I’m not. I know that I have since redeemed myself a hell of a lot and truly made you proud, but even I have to admit that winning the title in SCW the second time wasn’t as fulfilling as I was hoping it would be. Maybe I went numb after High Stakes? Maybe it didn’t mean as much as it would’ve had I won at that event instead of winning it when I did when I was alone and no family around me? Don’t get me wrong, I felt happy but not as happy as I thought. Maybe it’s because you weren’t there to celebrate it with me…”

Luckily, I was long past the point of crying over his death. I had long accepted the fact that he was dead. But five years later, I wasn’t as sure if I had accepted the fact that he could no longer be here.

“I’ve had to navigate all of this without you and there are times where I’m flying high and it’s so easy and there are other times where it feels like I can’t do it and I suffocate under all the pressure. Full disclosure? Trying the hardest that I can to keep my head up and to stay bright and above all the toxicity in a locker room full of poison like I do in SCW is probably the hardest thing I could ever do…

At this point, winning a world championship is a cakewalk in comparison….”

I paused, reflecting on the mistakes that caused me to succumb to the same exact pressure I was feeling five years ago. I knew in my heart that at the time, I had no sense of self-worth or any knowledge whatsoever of who I was or who I was meant to become. All June 2020 was for me personally was by far the worst month of my whole wrestling career.

“I am trying… VERY hard, Dad… but coming out of that last world title match that I was in… then going into the match I just had where I had a piece of shit of an opponent that treated me like I was fucking nobody… then combine that with all the shade and the harangues that I hear from opponents and even people that I’m not even wrestling against constantly. For months, I stood strong against it, but now, it’s like… what am I doing, honestly? How do I keep fighting when I know that the warped perception about me is never going to change? Aside from when I was in that rut that I was in all those years ago, all I’ve ever been is myself and it just doesn’t resonate with ANYONE at all. There’s a reason why I barely hang around the locker room or even bother promoting a fucking thing SCW related on social media anymore…”

I had to stop myself knowing that the frustration from everything that I just described was starting to get to me at this point. I took a few deep breaths and even imagined my father telling me that everything was going to be okay, to breathe, to bring everything back to what is supposed to matter and to flush everything else down the trash chute. I knew that this is what he would say to me. But I couldn’t help it anymore. I knew I was exhausted from being exposed to ‘the poison’ that I was talking about.

Winning another world championship or even succeeding in SCW became the least of my worries at this point. I had no confidence issues that I was still going to be a success story at the end of the day.

But knowing, swallowing and accepting the reality that no matter what I did, I was always going to have slander, hatred, lies, and the like thrown at me every single opposing promo became the REAL difficult part and there was a majority piece inside of my soul that just wanted to stop and not even deal with it anymore, as I was about to confess to my father.

“I’m tired, Daddy…” I said with a sigh. “...I’ll always be the punching bag of those toxic women…”

“Do you think he’d want you to be tired?” I heard one of my brothers say behind me.

“He’d want you to keep fighting, no matter what.” I heard the other say. I turned and saw Eddie and Roddy coming up from behind in the rare instance where it was just the three of us. They each put a hand on my shoulder and I didn’t even bother asking if they heard everything I said because I assumed, rightfully, that they did.

“I know you’ve been hurting lately, Andrea…” Eddie began. “...and that’s okay. You don’t have to hide it from us anymore. I know that whole series with Kayla Richards really brought you down and you tried to be strong through it.”

“It’s obvious with how distant you’ve been from that place that it really brought you down… that those words, that sudden about face, the worthless comparisons to Crystal and all of that nonsense when you didn’t do a damn thing to Kayla at all… it’s weighed you down…”

“It has, Roddy. Are you happy that I’ve admitted it? Are you happy that I’m hurting knowing that nothing I do in that company fucking matters to these people? I’m at the point where I don’t even know what the fuck anyone wants from me anymore. All I do is be the best that I can be, in the ring and out of the ring. I am real. I don’t hide shit. I don’t sugar coat shit. I express myself the way I am and it seems like all it does is give every vapid bitch in there an EXCUSE to slander me and make up all this fucking untrue shit. I’m struggling guys, honestly. There’s a part of me that just wants to… I don’t know…”

“Look, if it comes down to it, you can always walk away again…” Eddie reminded me.

“Don’t suggest that, bro. You know she wants to make things right.”

“I’ll never make it right…” I admitted. “Not with anyone in that room. No matter what I do, what I say, I’ll always be marginalized, scrutinized and treated unfairly just because… I don’t know. I wish things were better. I wish I didn’t have this struggle right now.”

“You just need to buy into your truth a little harder, Andrea…” Roddy advised.

“But HOW do I do that? How can I be the light that snuffs out the darkness surrounding me, you know? Dad never got the chance to teach me that. I understand that the key is believing in myself, my truth and everything that I’m about better, stronger and like you said harder. But where I’m struggling with is HOW? Dad died five years ago and it was the most heartbreaking thing that I’ve ever had to deal with and now it feels like I’m back in the same spot that I was then.”

My brothers looked at each other and I could tell that they were trying very hard to find a way to help me through this.

“For starters, quit being so distant from us…” Eddie added. “You know we’re always here to help you even if Dad is no longer with us.”

“Exactly…” Roddy added. “Whatever you need to help you get back on your feet, don’t be afraid to reach ou to either of us or both of us. You don’t have to struggle through this anymore and you sure as hell don’t have to deal with the crap that you deal with. You’re better and stronger than that. You were still doing some great things even though you lived through the horrible darkness that you did before you left that place and then you came back and you regained that world title. It takes someone very special to pull through all of that.

“You’re exactly it, Andrea. You just have to see your own strength for yourself and for real.”

“We’re here for you, no matter what…”

“Always…”

“I love you guys…”

We started to exchange hugs at that point and I knew my father would be incredibly happy with all of us right now.

“It’s fucking hard right now and it’s not getting any easier, but I can pull through this. I’ve done it once before when it was so much harder than it is right now and I can, and I will, do this again. You two have my promise that I’m never going to stop fighting and that I’ll never relapse back to what I was before. That match I just had a week ago was an outlet and a one time deal, nothing more.”

“That’s the spirit, Andrea…” Eddie assured me.

“You keep fighting and you keep on finding and believing in your truth…” Roddy reemphasized. “Just like Dad would…”

I glanced at the grave in front of us.

“...exactly like he would….”

Suddenly, this Father’s Day didn’t seem so gloomy even though I had a long way to go to fully pull through this.

A few hours later…

Chelsea LeClair was always someone that would give it to me straight which is why she’s been more or less my best friend for the last twenty or so years. When my brothers left and she came by to check on me, she was about to give it to me straight after I told her about the conversation that I had with both of them.

“I understand, Andrea…” she said with a sigh. “It’ll never fully stop being a struggle to deal with all of that toxicity and you have every right to step away from it and want to be as far away from it as possible. I mean, the shit Necra said about you going into your last match there, are you fucking kidding me?”

I rolled my eyes with annoyance.

“And everyone else seems to just want to twist your words into things like ‘arrogance’, ‘fake’, blah fucking blah. Honestly, Andrea, there isn’t an original fucking thought in that locker room. Hell, let me tell it to you REALLY fucking straight…”

“Yeah?”

“You’re too good of a person for that locker room. Hell, you’re too good of a person for SCW period.”

I narrowed my eyes with confusion.

“Chels, if that ever comes out of my mouth on social media or when the camera is on, you know that’s going to start a wave of shit just like 2020 again.”

“One, WHO FUCKING GIVES A FUCK about what anyone else thinks? I’m dead serious. I didn’t mean that as a professional wrestler and I didn’t mean that in the context of wins, championships and so forth. I meant as a human being. You and I both know, even though you really don’t want to say it, that SCW has a locker room full of awful people, full of venomous ego, full of vapid pieces of shit that don’t have an original thought, full of people that have nothing else to say about you because they’re so fucking unmotivated to better themselves in any way, full of people that just want to bring you down to their level because the company is either all they have in the business or the only company they’d be willing to work for because they’re fucking SCARED to be exposed wrestling for another company… and you’re going to let a bunch of THAT GARBAGE make you feel the way you do? Honestly, as your best friend ever, that’s fucking stupid and you need to stop fucking doing that.”

I knew right away that Chelsea was right and I didn’t even bother fighting back on this.

“Where am I wrong, Andrea? Every place has poison in its locker room. The other place that you wrestle for that you are FAR happier in and FAR more passionate about has it too, but as far as the business goes, it’s no worse than in SCW. Tell me where I’m wrong.”

“You’re not…”

“You’re fucking nuts for even wanting to be there, I’ll tell you that right now.”

“Unfinished business, Chelsea. It was never going to end the way it did when I left and it sure as hell isn’t going to end with the Kayla Richards nonsense. You’re right in everything you said. I just get so caught up in my own emotions that I forget that so often.”

“You just have to be grounded a little more and just keep focusing on within. I understand it’s a hard habit to break. I was there seeing you or hearing about you getting bullied and berated and torn down all the damn time at school or at home with Roddy back when he was a fucking prick to you. But you have at least four… about to be five by the end of this month in the other company… reasons why none of that shit matters…”

“Did you take that one out of my Dad’s playbook?” I asked her.

“Would your dad tell you anything different than what I just said? Be better, be stronger, stay above the shit, Andrea. You can express your truth and you can pick at the flaws of your opponents and their successes and failures until the cows come home, but for the sake of your father’s spirit, don’t let the assholes win. Don’t relapse back to what you were, alright?”

“Chelsea, if I ever do, you have every right to cripple me to the point of having to retire because I’d rather have THAT then ever relapsing back to that shit…”

I let out an angry sigh as I was largely determined to avoid relapsing back to that horrible phase of my career.

“I’m not letting the poison win again…”

With that, I turned away from my father’s grave and finally left the cemetery with Chelsea not so far behind…

June 27, 2025

When the camera was on, I was starting to feel a little bit better coming down from all the emotions on Father’s Day a couple of weeks prior. I was nowhere near as angry as I was going into my match against Necra, but I definitely still felt jaded considering that I had to come around on the truth that I was never going to change my perception in the ‘toxic’ locker room in SCW no matter what I said or did. Nonetheless, I spoke my mind and spoke my truth as always with the pride in my heart knowing that nobody knew my truth better than me.

“My last match was a purge. I had to get that anger out. Let’s just say it was a cheat meal of sorts as I ran rampant against a Hall of Fame member in Necra Octavian Kane and promptly shut her the fuck up. But, I have to be real. Aside from the fact that I beat someone that is in the Hall of Fame, I can’t say that win satisfies me very much. Maybe it’s because I know I have done better and that I can do better but really, I know that I’ve been too unfocused. I know I’ve been pushing too hard at the wrong things and worrying too much about perception and what other people have thought about me in the past or what someone says about me directly the week that I am facing them or whether or not someone has shaded me in a subtweet or in their own promo even when I’m not facing them. I’ve been pushing back on the hope that it would get better if not go away completely. I’ve even tried to give ‘being the light in the darkness’ a shot in trying to set a new example to change the culture in this locker room. I will be the first to admit that I was a fool for even trying that. After my match against Necra, I paid my father a visit, took in so much support and encouraging words from my friends and family, and tried the best that I could to put the pieces together just like I always do. I had to swallow the fact that the culture of this locker room is never going to change.

So why even TRY to change it at this point?

It’s still going to be the most ego-infested poison of a locker room I will ever wrestle in throughout my entire career. My way of fighting it isn’t to try to change the culture, it’s to make damn fucking sure that the culture doesn’t change me…

Again…

Necra was a purge, a statement and a release. There’s still a long way to go for things to get to where I desire them to be, but I will never be denied again and I meant it when I said it before and I will always mean when I say it. Not one person in this locker room, not one moment, not one ounce of adversity is going to change me again and you can interpret that however the fuck you want, but regardless of what happens, regardless of what lie is said about me, regardless of what happens any given match, at least I know walking out of that locker room and carrying on with the next day with my head held high and not allowing that shit to break me again is ALL I need to do to be above it all.

So as far as THIS match goes? I’m not entirely sure what to make of it really. On one hand, you got a new girl… a very impressive new girl with some favorable connections I should say… and on the other hand, you’ve got someone that has always been an identity crisis and always will be. I know it’s not the most exciting thing in the world to say, or the most “scandalous” thing in the world to say, but I’m going to go in there, I’m going to do what I have to do to win and then I just let it all roll off my back and move forward. I’m on a journey where I’m fighting through the darkness that I caved into years ago and this match will be the next step in the process for that and that’s the purpose that this match has for me.

Now, Amelia…

Got that win over Joanne Canelli.

I’m not so surprised by that.

Hell, I’m not even surprised that she finds herself in a match with me considering that, for better or worse, SCW does have a history of hot shotting newbies up the ladder like nobody’s business. Here’s where I can tell Amelia that she’s in over her head because she’s new and that Joanne really wasn’t that impressive or whatever cliche I can pull out of my ass. But no, I’m not going to do that. See, Amelia is someone that won’t sugar coat shit and she’s going to tell you exactly how she feels. She’s not going to pull any punches. I already know going in that whatever she says about me is probably going to be the same shit I always hear or maybe there will be a spin on it that is slightly different, but still. She’s the kind of person I am constantly fighting against in this company because you’ve got a roster full of women that feel like they have to tear each other down and make up lies about people and interpret this to force their lies and interpret that to twist their narrative even though it makes no fucking sense. Yeah, I already know that. I can tell that Amelia is in that same line of thinking… maybe to a smaller extent than the others, who the hell knows. Her associations alone tell you that. But I’m going to tell her straight up that what worked with Joanne isn’t going to work with me.

I’ve been where you are, Amelia. Hell, I’ve even experienced that hot shotting. When I had my first match here back in 2019, it wasn’t against anyone special at all but then my second match in… BOOM, I’m suddenly facing Mercedes Vargas and then five matches in, I’m facing then-world champion Alicia Lukas right off of High Stakes. Not even nine months in, I’m already a world champion. Matter of fact, I experienced it again when I came back. Not even ten matches in…. BOOM, I’m in the Bombshells main event of High Stakes for the first time in my long run here. I’ve been able to navigate the waters that you can only experience by doing, not by watching. You might be a quick riser in this division. I can see that in you after just one match. Clearly, with you being in this sort of match, the company itself might be seeing that in you. But the question that this match may answer in the long run is that when you get that hot shot up the ladder and you’re suddenly finding yourself in a situation where you have to step the fuck up more than you could ever imagine before, are you actually going to make that leap and prove all the hype correct or are you going to be like so many others that have crumbled and collapsed and then are never heard from again? Yeah, I haven’t been perfect. I’ve had my stumbles and falls. I’ve had two very unsatisfying world title reigns that ended quicker than I wanted them to end and overall, I haven’t broken the ceiling that I wanted to here, I will own that shit to kingdom come.

But at the same time, I’ve STILL made something out of nothing many times. I’m STILL that woman that when she was at rock bottom, went 16 months without losing a match and still captured an Internet Championship. I’m that woman that, while she was still finding her feet again in this company… and to be honest, I still am… managed to beat Kayla Richards for the world title. Yeah, like I said, that reign didn’t go how I wanted it to go, but at the same time? I’ve DONE all that while I’m dealing with the shit that I’ve been dealing with. I stand to reason that aside from maybe Crystal Hilton and Mercedes Vargas, no woman in recent memory of this company has been scrutinized, criticized, and slandered more than I have been throughout the entire time that I’ve been here and even though yes, it HAS brought me down more times than I can count, I STILL pull through all of that toxic poison I’m surrounded by. That’s what gives me the biggest edge over someone like you.

You’re impressive, yes.

You have a bright future here if you want it, sure.

But let’s see what happens when the wolves come out for you eventually just like they have from me in this company going all the way back to my second match here…

One of those wolves happen to be the OTHER opponent…”

I rolled my eyes obviously feeling annoyed about the fact that Kate Steele had become a cockroach of the Bombshells division at this point.

“...more like a Pomeranian if we’re being honest. Lord, Kate Steele is back. Quick poll, is there anyone in this company that even WANTED Kate Steele back? Look Kate, I’m going to keep it very simple with you because you’re not complex to figure out at all. You never have been. You never will be. I know you have a history of just going whichever way the wind blows and even in recent times, that’s exactly what you’ve done. I mean, I’ve lost count. That’s how many comebacks that you’ve made in recent years under how many different names or monikers or identities or what have you? I mean, last I remember, you were DIAMOND Steele and you were on this Gemstones kick with Ruby and all those bitches  and you were all about the rock band and you were all about… well… truth be told, I don’t even know what you were really all about because you’ve changed personas faster than one can blink really and now you’re coming back as…

‘The Phoenix….”

You’ve GOT to be fucking kidding me…

I am NOT going to go the route of ‘you ripped me off, I used it first’ because truth be told, that’s not an original moniker. People used it in this business long before I did and people are going to continue to use it long after we’re both done, but are you fucking serious, Kate? Do you have an original bone in your body at all? Are you even CAPABLE of changing? Are you even CAPABLE of learning anything for any sort of personal growth at all? NO! Absolutely not. Matter of fact, calling yourself a phoenix is HIGHLY inaccurate because calling yourself a phoenix is insinuating that you’ve ever had ashes to rise from to begin with and it insinuates that you even had a high in this company to even be burned to ashes at all and last I checked Kate… you’ve never been a world champion in SCW and the last time that you were even CLOSE to ANY sort of high at all was… when, exactly? You can change your name, change your moniker and change your lock all you want to Kate, but you will NEVER be anything more, to me anyway, as the woman that just can’t get the fuck out of her own way and goes in endless cycles with nothing original to ever bring forth to the table. You’re always going to be the woman that has been here the longest and yet, has never won the big one in this company because of always getting in her own way. You’re the type of person that has always talked shit about someone one week and then the next, you’re kissing their ass or sometimes, it’s even the other way around.

Once a mental mess, always a mental mess! Now, this is where I COULD bring up things that took place between us years ago or how you were one of the people years ago that were rooting for me to fail and how you were one of the most toxic people that I dealt with back then, but what good does that do me? For one, I got it out of my system last year on the cruise ship when I beat you in a triple threat match and secondly, you’re not even worth getting worked up about anymore. I was dumb and naive enough to let someone like you bother me with the garbage they were saying about me a long time ago but now? You mean absolutely nothing to me. You’ve done nothing over the last however long it’s been to even warrant any sort of emotion from me. You’re someone that a year from now is going to have either a different moniker or a different name if not both because… well… let’s be straight up… you’re a miserable, self-loathing cunt that has never pulled her head out of her own ass to see the truth and never will. So, when I beat you on Sunday, you better have your next moniker lined up. If I could make a suggestion, maybe it should be… hmmm…. “The Straitjacket Queen”?

Because really… it’s getting to a point where the only place with more than two sides you should be in is that padded room with how often you change everything about you to try to be relevant, then fail, then change again to try to be relevant and… fuck it, you’re not worth another second.

I wasted no time shutting off the camera at this point.

3-30-2025

It was a week after the chamber and as I sat on a bench swing in my backyard, I wasn’t over it. I was still rather heartbroken by the outcome of it. I wasn’t the SCW Bombshells World Champion anymore and just like the first reign, I couldn’t even make it past one supercard with it. That really sucked worst of all and I was just at a loss being alone with my thoughts.

“What the hell could I have done better?” I asked myself in my mind. “I can’t help but feeling that this is completely unfair. I win the championship again after all these years and then I get thrown into a situation like that? Why does this keep happening to me? Why is every chapter of my second run playing out exactly like my first? That’s the worst part of all of it and I can’t seem to shake it. I’m tired of it and I just want things to be different for a change….”

I paused my thoughts and there was no question in my mind that my frustration and sullenness was completely overwhelming me. I wasn’t thinking straight. I was sifting through the chamber trying to figure out something. I was trying to find any part of that match, any piece of the puzzle, something that I missed, something that I did wrong. However, my frustration was growing when I realized that I couldn’t figure out anything.

“Are you doing any better?” I heard Roddy ask me as he came outside to sit next to me. I couldn’t even look at him considering how disappointed and heartbroken I still was and the moment he looked into my eyes, he realized that I was still in a bad way.

“What could I have done different, Roddy?” I asked him, drawing a sign from my oldest brother.

“Andrea, sometimes, you come across a situation where you do everything right, prepare for everything right, have the right mindset and all of that and it still doesn’t go your way.”

“Don’t tell me…”

“You were in a shitty situation with the chamber and the odds that you had to overcome. Considering that situation, the truth that sucks is that you did everything you could possibly do and there was nothing different, nothing better, that you could’ve done.”

My eyes widened a bit being presented with this harsh reality.

“...it just wasn’t meant to be…”

That was my cue for the tears to start falling, but in the midst of all of that sadness, an anger was filling me and that became the dominant emotion of my own mind.

“It’s not fair…” I uttered, catching him off guard. “...it’s not FUCKING fair. Why did there even HAVE to be a chamber at all? Why did it have to be ME in that situation?”

“Look, I’m sorry that you had the worst possible timing and luck with all of that but you need to do what you have to do to get back on your feet, shake it off, go for it again and then you’ll win it back and have another chance to have that satisfying world title reign in SCW that you’ve always wanted. You’re at the peak of your powers right now and only getting better and this isn’t the time to fall apart and lose sight of that. You’re still in that title picture. I understand you hate how hard it can be and everything, but it can only get better…”

“How many times can I hear that and other words of encouragement and stick to that mantra until things actually DO get better? I’m TIRED of all this, Roddy…”

Roddy is confused with where Andrea is coming from.

“What do you mean? What are you tired of?”

“Why is my second run going EXACTLY like my first run? I’m so GOD DAMN SICK OF IT”

“Don’t yell, Andrea.”

“Well maybe I need to this one time because it’s literally all the FUCKING SAME: I start off with an undefeated streak, I face the world champion in Tucson… LOSE that match and LOSE my first shot at a world title, I beat Crystal Hilton, I get another shot, I WIN the championship this time, and in the first supercard defense, I lose it! IT’S ALL THE SAME! Every chapter! Every bit of it! ALL! THE! SAME! WHY does it have to be exactly the same? My entire story in Sin City Wrestling might as well be titled Groundhog’s Day! It’s so frustrating, it’s so annoying! Is having that fulfilling reign and having the story be DIFFERENT too much to ask for? FUCK, Roddy, what do I have to do?”

Roddy sensed that I was losing my cool so he gently places his hands on my shoulders.

“Hey, let’s start off by calming down for a second, alright?”

A few tears of frustration were really falling down my face at this point. It all felt like the same again.

“What’s next? You suddenly die just like Dad did?”

“Okay, that’s a little too dramatic, Andrea. Come on.”

“I finally got his acceptance and then he got his heart attack and I haven’t had your acceptance for very long, so I don’t fucking know!”

“Andrea, you need to listen to me. Calm the fuck down. Don’t blow this up bigger than it actually is. I understand that you want the story to change and that you want it to be different. I get you’re frustrated with everything playing out exactly the same as five years ago. But you can get that title back. You can beat Kayla one on one a second time. You’ve already done it, sis. Just challenge her to a rematch and settle this thing one on one because if you take the chamber, which WASN’T a one on one match, it’s literally one to one. Challenge her and win it back and the cycle is broken.”

“I’m not stupid, Roddy. Challenge her again and LOSE?”

“Why would you lose?” Roddy said, his frustration increasing.

“I lost when I got my rematch five years ago and if everything HAS to play out…”

“ANDREA! STOP!” he yelled.

“No! YOU stop! I’m fucking cursed to relive the same fucking heartbreak and frustration from 2020 all over again.”

“NO YOU’RE NOT! FUCK! You need to get over the stupid ‘groundhog’s day” shit! What the fuck is that going to do for you? You want me to be honest with you? I don’t give a fuck about what happened five years ago! That’s ancient history! You’re stuck in this time warp and letting that get to your head when you KNOW better and when you’ve PROVEN that you’re better than all of that! I am seeing the Andrea that turned her back on the fans and everything Dad stood for all over again! You’re not going to relapse back to that. It’s all just a COINCIDENCE Andrea… a very… weird… fucked up COINCIDENCE! There’s no curse! You want things to be different? Then ACT fucking different! THINK fucking different! I know Evie Jordan put you through a LOT of horrible shit, but Jesus fucking Christ!”

I was starting to slightly hyperventilate, but not to the point where I couldn’t function.

“Let me ask you an honest question. Why do you do this to yourself? You never fully buy into how special you are. Why? Don’t be acting like such a fucking child, Andrea.”

“Oh I’m a child now?” I said, without thinking straight.

“I never said that…”

“Get the fuck out of my house right now.” I snapped.

“Andrea…”

“Get the FUCK OUT, Roddy! I don’t need you to bully me again!”

“I’m not…” Roddy stops himself and throws up his hands in frustration. “Fine. Call me when you want to snap out of this. You’re having a moment and sometimes, a slip and a fall when your mind is going a hundred miles an hour will happen. That’s what’s going on, so I’ll give you your space. But do yourself a favor and please, for once, realize how special you truly are.”

I didn’t say a word through my own tears before Roddy left my backyard and subsequently my house. I sat alone for another or or so lamenting that things felt like they were all the same and that suddenly, it was a doom and gloom all over again. 

Obviously, in the weeks since, I’ve come to regret how I acted in this private moment.

5-9-2025

I’ve since come out of my moment and my slip and found myself at another blast from the past, this time regarding the GCW Hall of Fame. The ceremony for myself and the “Utopia” faction that I was a part of with Myra and Chelsea at the start of my mainstream career 9 years ago is tomorrow, but for the time being, Myra took Chelsea and I to the Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix where we first met and formed the faction to begin with. I was feeling very awkward considering that the last time the Hall of Fame subject was brought up between us, I was acting irrational and lashing out plenty. As the three of us talked in the suite Myra brought us to, that guilt was really swallowing me whole.

“I’m sorry…:” I meekly said to both of them, catching them by surprise.

“Pardon?” Chelsea asked.

“For how I acted during the lunch that we did a while ago…” I said with a sigh. Myra was very understanding.

“GCW wasn’t a good time for you, Andrea…” Myra reminds me.

“You really shouldn’t sweat that…” Chelsea added. “...like Myra said, you struggled plenty in GCW and you suddenly had to leave the moment you FINALLY started finding your feet. I don’t blame you for not being enthusiastic about Utopia, a faction you have negative connotations about in your mind, being what you’re going into our first Hall of Fame for. You haven’t had a thing to do with GCW since we left.”

“Touche…:” I conceded. “So many painful memories and Utopia was never a good time for me. It was my foot in the door for wrestling in front of a worldwide audience and evolving into the wrestler that I’ve become ever since, but I associate it with pain, with abuse, with Myra’s ex treating me like trash and telling me that I’m the 4th banana many different ways, with you getting all the attention and adulation…”

“I hate to bring up the fact that… um…” Chelsea pauses and awkwardly looks at Myra. “...only I was meant to be part of that faction originally…”

My anger just spiked a bit.

“But you know I always had your back and always did in that situation and I was never going to be part of it without you.”

“It didn’t stop Myra from…” I was the one awkwardly pausing and looking at her now. “...I’m not finishing that thought.

Myra suddenly hung her head in guilt.

“It’s okay. Let it all out. Say what you want. I’m not that cruel, ruthless person I was back then and as I was to you.”

“It didn’t stop you from treating me like a redheaded stepchild, Myra…”

Chelsea was biting her lower lip with nervousness.

“When I think of GCW and when I think of Utopia, all I think about is how you were a FUCKING HORRIBLE MENTOR TO ME…”

Myra winces with shame for a split second as I continued my rant.

“...it wasn’t just favoring Chelsea over me. It was you and your ex constantly bullying me backstage, on social media and even in front of the cameras. You constantly ABUSED ME! You ripped off my shirt and whipped me with a belt on live TV in front of everyone! You told me I was never going to amount to anything in this business, Myra! You said I never deserved to amount to anything. And you know what… now that I REALLY think about it… all of the struggles I’ve ever had with Sin City Wrestling, finding myself there, my confidence, how I constantly worry, have a mental breakdown even now, as I did a week after losing the title for the second time, the dark path I was on five years ago for the rest of my first run…”

Tears formed in my eyes as I stared a hole through Myra’s heart.

“It was all because of YOU! Had you NEVER abused me the way you did, I would’ve developed a much better confidence in myself far earlier than I actually did! I would’ve beaten Alicia in Tucson. I would’ve beaten Evie! I would’ve told Crystal Hilton to fuck off the moment I met that garbage bitch! I would’ve never had mental health issues that forced me to leave and even NOW, I still struggle! I feel so STUPID for forgiving you and even allowing you to be a part of my life at ALL!”

“Fucking hell Andrea…” Chelsea says with a shocked gasp while I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore.

“So why the FUCK would I want to be part of a ceremony commemorating something that traumatized me for years and has had a profound affect on my career, even now?”

I wasn’t surprised to see Myra hang her head with tears of her own.

“Andrea, the words ‘I’m sorry’ aren’t enough for a situation like this. If you really don’t want me to be part of your life anymore, I don’t blame you. I should’ve nurtured you so much better and all these years I wish I did, but all I did back in that time was set you up for failure for the future… especially and including SCW. You are right in everything you just said and to see you still struggle from time to time psychologically, to hear about that argument you had with Roddy and how you were in a pit doubting yourself after you lost that title again, it breaks my god damn heart knowing that I took a soul like you, so innocent, and fucking ruined her… I ruined you Andrea… and I don’t think I ever deserved your forgiveness. The fact that you even forgave me at all shows you that you’re a bigger, better person than I am.”

I sighed with relief and I could already sense that I was starting to heal a bit.

“I am very sorry that my actions toward you had that profound effect on your career. You’d probably be in SCW’s Hall of Fame, which I understand would be far more satisfying for you, if it wasn’t for me.”

“I’m not cutting you out of my life… come here…”

Myra and I tearfully hugged it out, resolving any remaining bitter feelings between us from years ago.

“...you’ve more than redeemed yourself to me for all of your help and for being a much better  mentor in recent years.”

“I’m glad you’re finding peace Andrea…” Chelsea said. “But maybe it’s not such a good idea for you to go to the ceremony considering what Utopia and GCW represents for you.”

“Chelsea…” I began as Myra and I broke our embrace. “I’m going. I have to. It’s the only way I can ever face the beginning chapters of my career and finally heal the root of the problem of why I don’t see how special I am…”

“Andrea, I’m here for you and I always will be…” Myra added. She and Chelsea left me alone to my thoughts, and the deep internal healing that just started in me…

Perfect timing…

That’s when my camera crew just happened to walk in. I was asked if I was ready to speak my mind regarding my match on Sunday and I assured them that I was. While I was healing from a piece of my past, I was also bringing up some of the same anger and frustration from the chamber match and the ‘cruel coincidence’ as Roddy put it of both my runs playing out exactly the same. Before long, the fact that I even had to THINK about Crystal Hilton again was pissing me off.

“I’ve been dealing with much frustration lately and I am not going to sugar coat that. I’m still angry about the Chamber, the entire situation I found myself in, the fact that I didn’t do what I wanted to do and that was to get past one supercard cycle with the title to finally put the first reign to rest, among other things. That’s why a few weeks ago, I was on Climax Control saying that it wasn’t going to end like that and there had to be a one on one tiebreaker and in a few weeks, that’s exactly what is going to happen. But, before I get there, I have to deal with Crystal Hilton. AGAIN! GOD, I am so fucking SICK of that woman. Granted, I’m not about to piledrive her through a television like I did that one time even if so many of the Internet wrestling fans are memeing that moment and saying ‘Andrea did nothing wrong’, but STILL! Crystal, I’m not holding back here. You’re a fucking tick on my ass, a piece of dog shit that gets stuck to the bottom of my hundred dollar Jimmy Choos, an acid reflux that can never pass soon enough and all the other metaphors you can think of. I can’t stand you, never could, never will and facing you again when I’m frustrated as all hell with so much anger over the last six weeks or so boiling is probably NOT the best thing for my blood pressure right now, but FUCK IT! The last time we faced off, the rivalry between us died. I guess this Sunday, I’ve got to put the damn coffin in the crypt, huh?”

I rolled my eyes, showing my frustration that I even had to deal with that woman again.

“Let’s talk about the last time, you know… when I beat you. I declared the rivalry over and that I was moving on with my life because I REFUSE to have YOUR NAME be a part of MY story any longer and the first thing you said on social media is how it wasn’t over and how you were going to end it on your terms. Fucking stalker obsession, much, bitch? Here’s the deal, the only person that you are obsessed with more than me is yourself. Isn’t that right, “best Latina in the business”.... Oh my GOD, you actually had the NERVE to say that. Crystal, let me ask you a very serious question. Bitch, how fucking bad is your CTE? Best Latine in the business? Bitch, you’re not even the fourth best Latina in Sin City Wrestling and hell, you’re not even the best Latina in ANY of the companies you wrestle for. Hell, even Bobbie Dahl is a better Latina than you and she’s not even Latina! Are you that fucking atttention starved, Crystal? Have you really fucking lost it? Oh you bet your ass you’ve lost it and not just in the ring. Mentally, you’ve fucking lost it and you’re just fucking embarrassing yourself now. Oh right, you want to pick social media fights acting like you matter and you’re even saying that you deserve all the attention and all this other shit to anyone that is willing to engage with your nonsense. You deserve all the attention for what? When was your last world championship in Sin City Wrestling, Crystal? Hell, when was the last time you even did a damn thing in this company? The Roulette title that was like 2 years ago? Sure, you beat Cassie Wolfe the same night I started my second title reign, but in that elimination chamber match, it was CASSIE that was in it, not you.

Where were you, Crystal? I didn’t see you there. Oh right, Mercedes Vargas… ANOTHER LATINA by the way… beat you to qualify for the match…

But you want to call yourself the best Latina in the business.

Child, PLEASE!

You’re ranting up a storm talking about how bullshit it is for you to face the Barnharts but maybe if you put JUST a little more effort into your fucking craft instead of being a fuckign attention whore on social media picking fights with everyone and talking shit just to talk shit, then MAYBE you wouldn’t be facing the Barnharts and MAYBE you’d actually still have a shred of dignity left but NO, stuck in the same egomaniacal cycle over and over again. How much longer until you decide to be apologetic and talk about being on your 8 millionth redemption run and how you’re going to prove yourself again and how things are going to be better and different only for things to devolve back to the same? I guess if I had to say one good thing about you is that for ONCE you’re showing who you really are and yeah girl, you are toxic as fuck and that’s why I never wanted anything to do with you and that’s why I never wanted to be your friend, never will be your friend and the only reason why I even allowed you into my life at ALL was because I didn’t have the confidence in myself that I do now to just straight up tell you to your face to FUCK OFF!

But you sure as hell won’t do that because from day one, you’ve been so fucking obsessed with me to the point where there are fan theories out there that feel like you want to marry me as a second wife… third wife… I don’t fucking know. Don’t think I haven’t heard the hypocrisy in your words when you were going into your match against Cassie Wolfe. Don’t think that I don’t know about how you were talking that bullshit about how our last match “isn’t the last time she’ll hear from me”. It’s sickening and disgusting, this obsession you have over me and it needs to fucking stop. Seriously. It could get to a point where you suddenly pull a gun on me when your CTE kicks in and you threaten to kill me because I don’t want to be your friend and I am NOT even JOKING about that. I should seriously consider a restraining order on you at this point. Let me quote you on some of the things you said about Cassie Wolfe when you faced her…

Something along the lines of how she dropped the ball and how you don’t see a future in her. HUH… well, who would know more about dropping the ball than the bitch that has dropped the ball pretty much more times than anyone in the history of the Bombshells division, right? And as for her future? Well, the jury is still out on that one. She was in the chamber after all, you know, the same chamber you missed out on by losing to fucking Mercedes Vargas? So, while the jury is still out on her future, I can say with full fledged confidence that at this very moment, in Sin City Wrestling, she definitely has a brighter and better future than you do, Crystal. Also great job on cheapening your own victory considering that you beat someone that in your words, dropped the ball and has no future. So really Crystal, when you consider that and when you consider your abject failure to even build off that win at all, what did that win actually mean in the long run for your career here?

Absolutely nothing!

You’re over there whining and bitching about how people don’t take you seriously anymore and how people think that you can’t hack it anymore yet as usual, you do absolutely nothing to change that perception. Nothing! That’s the Crystal Hilton special 1.0, by the way…. Whining and crying and complaining that people don’t respect her and that people don’t see her the way she wants to be seen yet does nothing to help herself or make her situation better. NOTHING! The last time I wrestled her, I went in there figuring that I was the ONE opponent that she was actually going to step in the ring with and get fired up about considering her never ending five year long obsession with me and what the fuck did I get in the ring that night? Someone that was nowhere close to a rival anymore. Period. That’s why I declared the rivalry dead and that’s why I moved on because I know that clinging on to any sort of rivalry with you wasn’t worth a damn thing anymore. I moved on, Crystal, because the truth of the matter is, I never wanted you involved in my career in the first place. I knew from the start that if I was ever friends with you, then I would turn out to be just like you and that my image and reputation was going to go down the fucking tubes just by being associated with you at all. I’m GLAD, Crystal, that I made that choice because I would’ve never found a way out of my hole. I would’ve never overcome my own demons. I would’ve never been mature enough to accept responsibility for my own actions and to change… and I mean REALLY change and do everything that I needed to do to grow as a person and be so much better than I was before.

You talked about redemption and practiced it for 2 months, went back to the same old shit, then rinse, cycle, repeat, for years and through it all, you ended up staying the same ass shit that you were five years ago… hell before we ever met at all. I only needed ONE redemption moment to get back on my feet, find myself as a person, come back to this company better than I was before and GAIN that respect that you WISH you could have and that at this point in your career considering your career has jumped at least five sharks by now, you will NEVER have and that’s not just THIS company. Hell, the fact that yesterday, you spent so much time screaming and shouting on social media to anyone that would listen in another company that you wrestle in trying to be the big dog in the yard that you’ll never be again talking about ‘best Latina in the business’ instead of actually TRYING to get up for this match that we have on Sunday yet again proves that you have no priorities, you have no passion for this, you’ll never get out of your own way, and the only ring you belong in is GROUP THERAPY working out your undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder that you CLEARLY have with a group of people just as delusional as you are. You’re out there trying to act like J-Lo when you’re not even at Becky G’s level anymore! So come Sunday?

I’ll beat you.

AGAIN!

And maybe after tomorrow, I REALLY should get that restraining order.

How much longer are you going to embarrass your daddy? Seriously?

I rolled my eyes and signaled for the camera to cut at that point.

After Inception…

I was in the locker room within one hour after finally regaining the SCW Bombshells World Championship. I had already gone through all of the sentimental emotions and all of the tears and the reminiscing about the journey and all of the good stuff when I happened to be in a FaceTime chat with my mentor Myra Rivers who of course, was in a hell of a happy mood.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you than I am right now…” Myra said with a smile. I was definitely feeling great knowing that I had such a hell of a validation from her.

“Thank you…” I told her.

“You don’t need to tell me how hard it was to get back there because trust me, I know. I’m not going to wax lyrical about everything that you’ve had to overcome just to get to this point because we’ve beaten that to death really, but nonetheless, it makes me incredibly happy to see you with that championship again.”

“I do wish that you had won it yourself at one point…” I responded, knowing that in spite of what her former detractors, most of whom aren’t even in SCW anymore might say,  she was more than good enough to do so.

“Don’t worry about me…” Myra said, taking it in stride. “I turned out to be more than fine after I left. Worry about you, okay? You know that the last time you were a world champion there, things didn’t go the way you wanted them to and I know you’re hungry to prove that you can be a world champion in SCW and that you’re ready to have the main event spotlight and lead that division the way that I always knew that you could. You very much deserve to have this moment and I’m not going to let you spend one iota of it thinking about anything else other than the situation that’s at hand right now. You’ve got a long road ahead as you know…”

“Right…” I acknowledged, knowing that my history of holding this championship wasn’t all that great. “The first time around, I wasn’t ready to hold this championship. I will own that to kingdom come and everything because when I won it, I was spiraling toward my weakest point. But now that I am at my strongest point yet, things are going to be a hell of a lot different.”

“Don’t forget that you beat one of the most dominant champions too…”

“Of course…” I said as I took a deep breath. “It took two fucking tries, that’s how fucking tough she is. She is a very harsh person. She can be quite mean. I don’t quite understand her methods or why she carries herself the way that she does, but she is a hell of a wrestler and a hell of a champion and I didn’t go through some slouch to win this and I will always acknowledge that.”

I took a pause for a moment as I began to think about Kayla Richards. For all of the similarities that I was noting privately and publicly about her toward certain people thatI had my issues with during my first SCW run, the one thing that I had to give her aside from the obvious is that even though she was a bit harsh toward me in what she was saying and even though I didn’t necessarily like the reason why she wanted a rematch with me, she didn’t bury me through the dirty or verbally eviscerate me the way she had most of her challengers before her.

“That’s why you should go congratulate her on not just her reign, but for the amazing match that you two just had.”

I was thrown off guard because that was the last place that I was expecting Myra to go with this. I was immediately feeling the skepticism. Myra already saw the confused expression on my face and she didn’t seem surprised by it in the slightest.

“I understand that this seems like out of left field for you, Andrea. I get that you don’t like her personality. But for one, you have to remember that your personality the first time you were in SCW wasn’t all that different from her to begin with. But still, it’s kind of a time honored tradition that is fading by the wayside. Let’s face it, we both know that division is cutthroat and that being a sore winner can be a very common thing. She wasn’t a sore winner with you after High Stakes. She thanked you on Twitter, remember?”

“But is she even going to want anything to do with me? You know how she is. I think the last thing that she wants right now is for me to even approach her. She’s definitely smarting over losing this championship to me and the last thing I want to do is to give her a reason to be even more pissed off than she already is.”

“It’ll be fine. Trust me. You seem to be one of the few in that division that she might even have any respect for anyway. If anything, try to make the effort to be a good sport and to congratulate her for the good karma for your title reign than anything else. I don’t see what’s wrong with that. I get it. She’s prickly and everything. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t get along with her or that you can at least respect each other as competitors. The way I see it, you’re both more alike than both of you realize.”

I still wasn’t sure, but there was a part of me that was coming around on it knowing Myra was pretty much right.

“I suppose it wouldn’t hurt…”

“What’s the worse that can happen? That she reject your overture and tell you she’s going to come back and try to win it back from you?”

“That’s what I would expect really.”

“The effort is what matters here. You didn’t take this opportunity to do this with Crystal and Roxi when you won the world title the first time… though knowing how they are, I suppose I can’t fault you for that.”

“I’d rather be friends with Kayla then both of them combined anyway.”

“Then do it! Go congratulate her on her championship reign! You’d be surprised by how far a gesture like that can go in this business.”

“Okay. Sure! Thanks, Myra. What’s the worst that can happen? She deserves her due and I’m going to rise above all the hate she gets and give her that.”

“You’re already starting your title reign the right way, Andrea…” Myra says with a confident reassurance in her voice. “...congratulations again and I know you’re going to have a far better reign this time around with all of the strength that you’ve gained over the years.”

“Thank you Myra, we’ll talk soon.”

The FaceTime call ended and I took a deep breath. I was pretty nervous all in all. Kayla’s prickly personality had me on edge, but I knew it was the right thing to do because I knew she had gotten so much hate during her reign which is something that I could very much relate to during my first run in SCW. With that being said, I left my locker room and went down the hallway. I found the door that led to Kayla Richards’s locker room and knocked on it.

“Kayla?”

I knocked on it again, but I got no answer.

“It’s me… Andrea… can we talk for a second?”

I still wasn’t getting an answer and I was starting to get worried. I knocked once more, but still no answer.

“She left…” a stagehand that was walking by informed me. “...I don’t know if you are aware of this, Andrea but there was a situation with her, Finn, an ex… it’s pretty messy.”

“Oh…” I said with a bit of a sigh, remembering what he was talking about. “Thanks. I forgot about that.”

The stagehand nodded at me and left.

“I guess I’ll just drop her a tweet then…”

I turned and headed back to my locker room, partially disappointed. I was hoping to congratulate her on her reign face to face, but I also understood she had a personal situation going on. I would, eventually, acknowledge her in a tweet and praise her accomplishments but I also knew that despite the respect, that a rivalry between us was probably just beginning…

March 6

“That’s crazy! How can you even trust her?”

Chelsea LeClair decided to swing by my Paradise Valley home for a Netflix binge. We were both sitting on the couch discussing the match to come.

“You don’t think Kayla hates you for taking the championship from her?”

“I don’t think she hates me…” I reasoned. “I do believe that she wants to take the championship back from me, that much is a given. But I don’t think she hates me. Though… I don’t think she likes me either.”

“All the more reason for her to screw you on Sunday…” Chelsea quipped with a sigh and an eye roll.

“Chels…” I began, sighing myself. “Do you honestly think that Kayla Richards… KAYLA FUCKING RICHARDS… would want to screw me over and ultimately cost us the match when you and I both know that the woman has too much pride in her own career and how she carries herself to have a loss on her record to Mercedes Vargas?”

Chelsea was taken aback by this and her eyes widened some. She was thinking of a counterpoint to this, but she took a deep breath knowing that she had nothing to say to that.

“Touche, Andrea…” she said with a playful eyeroll. “But after that final bell rings, watch your back.”

“See, that is where you could have a point. I did try to meet her in the locker room after I beat her and everything, but she wasn’t there. For all the flak that she gets about her attitude and for all the intensity that our matches and our war of words have gone between the two of us, she IS more trustworthy than most people on the roster. I’m not going to go as far as saying that I trust her with my life or anything, but she says what she means, means what she says. I trust her a hell of a lot more than I trust other people in that locker room and don’t forget that I’ve teamed up with people that either don’t like me or people that I don’t like…”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t happen often, Andrea and it’s not like we ever teamed together when our friendship has been on the rocks, you know? Unless there was like a random instance neither of us might remember at the moment. Just understand that I am trying to look out for you.”

“Oh god…”

“What? We’ve known each other forever. Why wouldn’t I do that?”

“I’m not going to have the same speech with you that I had with my mother a few weeks back…” I said with a laugh. “But I understand.”

“I don’t want you to lose your confidence at the worst time and don’t roll your eyes at me like you just did…”

“Sorry…”

“You deserve to be successful and happy and you deserve to have a much stronger, better journey with the title than you had before and that’s all I want for you. Kayla is going to want to trip you up along the way and she will be coming for your throat. It’s not going to happen on Sunday because you’re right, she’d rather win with you than have a loss to Mercedes on her record, but trusting her is still a risky move to begin with. You don’t know what she’s capable of when her back is against the wall or when she feels like she has to prove a point.”

“Chelsea, I’ve teamed up with Crystal multiple times even if most of those times didn’t happen in SCW and that bitch is the most untrustworthy there can be, right?”

“Right…”

“And are you forgetting that the one person that helped me heal the pain of the past and that gave me that final push to find the best version of myself was my brother, right? Not the one that coddled me, protected me and took care of me when I was down in the dumps, but the one that bullied me, made it clear growing up that he never wanted a sister, beat me up in the closet that one time and did everything he could prior to his prison sentence to make me feel like a worthless piece of shit.”

Chelsea kind of winced at how I referenced Roddy. I could tell that she understood where I was going with this but the thought still made her uncomfortable nonetheless.

“Roddy, for me, is the strange bedfellows of all strange bedfellows. As kids, we NEVER got along, but he redeemed himself after he got out of prison by helping me get over so much shit, you know? I didn’t have to trust him after everything that he did to me growing up and after treating me as if he wished I never existed all those years, but I did because in my heart, I felt like it was the right thing for my career and I was proven to be right. So, the fact that I trusted my worst enemy from my childhood and arguably the root of all the pain I was in and all of my self-esteem issues from my last time in SCW with my career to get back to the top of the mountain finally…”

“Everyone else would be child’s play…” Chelsea admitted, fully seeing my point. “Don’t let her ego and her constant starvation for all the glory she can get weigh you down though and have eyes on the back of your head, especially after the match is over, okay?”

“Chelsea, you got my promise on that. I don’t see our opponents getting along at all if their little Twitter bitch fight is anything to go by.”

“Honestly, it doesn’t even matter if they get along or not. As long as you and Kayla get on just fine, which you’re CRAZY to think so by the way, but you do you girl, you should have this.”

“It’s going to be FINE, Chels. We got this. I don’t doubt Kayla for a second, for better or worse. But believe me, once we take care of our business and once we defeat Mercedes and Cassie, there’s no mincing words or holding back. We’ll achieve this common goal, but after that, it’s back to business as usual between us. After all, Kayla’s turning into a fiercer rival of mine in SCW than Crystal ever could’ve been…”

Chelsea seems a bit worried about what I just said.

“I don’t think this thing between you two is anywhere near over…”

I stood up to grab some water.

“Honestly? I wouldn’t be shocked if we ran it back next High Stakes the way things are going…”

With that, I want to the kitchen and really began to think of the possibility that Kayla and I were on a collision course potentially for months to come. I couldn’t think of it for long though…

Not when mutual business needed to be taken care of…

March 7

The camera was on me as I was standing by an inactive trolly on a random hill in San Francisco. With the championship over my shoulder, I was feeling pretty confident in myself even though this coming Sunday, I was definitely in a situation that most people in my shoes wouldn’t find as ideal at all. I was taking into account the burgeoning rivalry with Kayla and all, but I also know that this was something to put to the side which is more than I can say for my opponents. Add on getting caught in an unfortunate crossfire despite the fact that I won against Victoria Lyons and I definitely had plenty on my mind…

“Talk about a unique circumstance in the second match of my second reign as the SCW Bombshells World Champion, right? I mean, the match against Victoria, I won that, but that carried an unfortunate asterisk in all of that. I can sit here and I can mope about that fact and let it get me down, but I’m not going to do that. I said what I meant after the match when I said that there were going to be more opportunities to solidify my reign especially before the chamber and that’s exactly what is happening here. Kayla and I, I think everyone knows the growing story between us.  I know SCW media is going to try to push the whole question of ‘can we get along’ and I have no doubt in my mind that we can and that we will… at least while the match is in progress. After the fact? I can only speculate so much and I’m not going to do that but what I do know is that we can get along WAY better than our opponents can. I mean, you got Cassie whining up a storm on Twitter about the match in and of itself and you’ve got Mercedes Vargas talking about the match as a cruel punishment…”

I sighed and I rolled my eyes.

“Never evolve from those egos, ladies? Am I right? I’m going to start off with Cassie here. Cassie, let me be real with you. I don’t mince words and you might even get a bit heated with what I am about to say. I know that this isn’t the ideal situation for you, but to say that you’d rather team up with your dog than team up with Mercedes? Are you fucking kidding me? Now, I’m not necessarily defending Mercedes here and I get why you don’t like her and why you think she’s an albatross to you because of how long it’s been since she’s held a singles championship or the age old bullshit of ‘she’s hung on for way too long’, but fucking seriously? I’m not Mercedes’s biggest fan, I admit that. I wish she would find a way to evolve and grow because someone her age is still very much capable of doing that and I’ve witnessed it with my mentor after she left this company and has since had the time of her career, but still… you can’t take away what she has accomplished. If you’re spitting on her in the present day, that’s one thing. But the way YOU are treating it, it’s like you’re disrespecting her entire body of work here. Sure, it’s been a minute since she’s won a title here and yes, even I have gone after her for her accolades and how most them were fleeting reigns. I own that shit. But at the end of the day, she has still accomplished more in this business than you have and by no means is it a guarantee that you’re going to have a better career than her in the long run.

Is she the most ideal partner for you? Absolutely not. But you could’ve ended up with SO much worse… like Bea Barnhart… speaking of dogs…

Yes, on paper, you’re behind the eight ball with this match, but carrying the attitude that you have about it, especially with your partner, you’re basically beating yourself before the match even starts and of course, you’re far too young and inexperienced to even come close to realizing that you’re doing this and you’re especially too inexperienced to see HOW you’re doing it. And this thing that you, and SO many other people do with asking ‘when was the last time you were relevant’? God, can people get new material than that? It’s one thing if it’s coming from Kayla who has come out and trashed her god knows how many times by now and everything because at least she’s been relevant and absolutely relevant now but coming from YOU? Someone that is barely starting out in her career and doesn’t have the resume to talk about other people being relevant? Yeah, that’s where you lose me. You could be a big player in the future, but when you’re making rookie mistakes and when you’re approaching things like someone that’s just barely out of wrestling school the way you are with this match, I fear that you’re going to fade away just like Krystal did.

I mean with the attitude you have… so many red flags…

Maybe instead of bitching about how you’re so sick and tired of being unable to ‘get any momentum in SCW to save your life’, bitching about having to team with Mercedes or hell, bitching in general, you should chill the fuck out and see the big picture. People your age don’t see world championship matches very often. Maybe instead of bitching about Mercedes, you should be grateful for this opportunity. I mean, ARE YOU really? I would imagine it might be hard to be considering the way you won your qualifying match…

But I suppose Sunday, we’ll get some answers with you…

Now as far as Mercedes Vargas goes…

Yes, I’ve had my battles in the past with her. Hell, she was my second match here. I admit that at that time, when I faced her for the first time, I didn’t treat her right and I was overly harsh about her even though a fair portion of what I said to her back then was true. I admit that I ran her down pretty fucking badly when I beat her to win the SCW Bombshells Internet Championship which up to this point, is the closest she’s been when it comes to being a champion here again. But for all that I’ve said in the past about Mercedes and for all of the hate she gets around here, especially from my partner this Sunday I should add, I’m going to approach this better. So Mercedes, to start off with, on behalf of just about everyone in this division, I want to say that most would rather have you in the chamber than Crystal Hilton and you did the division a favor by making sure that she didn’t make it. I will give you SOME credit in that in more recent times, you’ve shown some flashes of brilliance and that you have had your moments and even a couple of nice wins here and there. You’re definitely someone that seems to have found kind of a second wind. But I say ‘kind of’ instead of ‘definitely’ because for all of what you’ve been able to do, that consistency?

It’s still not there.

You have your moments, but you’re still having a hard time putting it all together the way you used to before. Sure, you beat Crystal to get in the chamber, but was it because you were having another flash of brilliance or was it because you just happened to have the luck of the draw as far as opponents are concerned? Imagine if you faced someone that was going to be a little more difficult for you like Victoria for instance. Would you have qualified at that point? Hell, let’s be real here. The win that got you noticed enough to even be in the qualifying position was probably the win that you got at Inception which I guess is good enough for you, but it’s not like Song is lighting the world on fire or anything. That’s you though, Mercedes. You’ll take what you can get and damn it to hell how you get it. For better or worse, that’s always been you, but ultimately, your attitude toward all of this still hasn’t evolved a bit since the first time we faced each other all those years ago. You’re the most experienced of all of us and you’re the only one of the four of us in this match that is actually in the Hall of Fame and as much as i get that this isn’t the ideal situation for you either, as the Hall of Fame member, and as the veteran, you should rise above the bullshit and you should be the one that is setting the example of how to conduct yourself at any sort of adversity and if what I saw on social media when you reacted to this match is any indication?

You fell WELL short of the mark….

‘Cruel punishment…’

Are you fucking for real, Mercedes?

What the fuck kind of attitude is that? You took this match as a ‘punishment’? Why? You shouldn’t be taking this match as a punishment., You should’ve taken this match as an opportunity to silence so many haters that you clearly still have in the locker room if anything but instead, you want to complain about ‘cruel punishment’ and act as if this match for you is a glorified handicap match. When you’re carrying that type of attitude into this match, then you’re only justifying the repetitive opinions of your haters and you’re also showing why you still can’t get the consistency that many would expect out of someone that is an SCW Hall of Fame member and a two time one at that. Someone like you that acts the way you do at any sign of adversity is someone that proves time and again that they not only can’t be a champion, but on attitude alone, they don’t deserve to be a champion. Rather than give your partner a chance to really prove yourself, you’re talking about how you’re going to carry the team showing that you clearly lack faith in anything that Cassie Wolfe might bring to the table. It’s really sad that for your age, an age where many wrestlers show a greater sign of maturity, you’re still acting as if the Mean Girls still exist in Sin City Wrestling. You’re the one woma n in this division that doesn’t seem to know how to grow up and quit acting like a child when things don’t go your way and with how you have ALWAYS carried yourself and with that type of crap that you put out there with how you reacted to this match, I look at you and I see the one Bombshell that I’m glad I never became because really…

Had I stayed on the path that I was on the first time I was here? I fear that I might have slowly become another version of you and that’s absolutely the last thing that I would’ve ever wanted… well, second to last thing. Being another version of Crystal is a fate worse than burning in hell.  But when I left here and after I was able to bring my mental health back together and revive that spirit in me that I always had while I was gone, I changed my attitude toward things. I grew up. I managed to pick up the pieces enough and grow a new perspective strong enough to make me confident enough to come back here and even THEN, I STILL had to CONTINUE to change my attitude and my perspective on things and I was NEVER going to win this championship that I have here if I didn’t.  I STILL had to learn how to get over myself and let the past go, which is something you’ve lacked for so many years especially the former, to win this championship again. That’s what separates people like me from people like you in this business, Mercedes. I’m not going to tell you to hang them up. I’m not going to berate you for hanging on for too long. I mean, I’m sure Kayla may have that covered. But through my own experiences? I have realized that the issue with you, at least in my opinion, isn’t the fact that you’ve hung on for too long…It’s the fact that you’ve stuck to the same old attitude and the same old formula as your age grew in size and you’ve never been able to grow past the stubbornness that seemingly makes you resistant to any sort of change at all.

So maybe the next time you find yourself in a similar situation as this Sunday, you might want to think about letting yourself breathe and allowing yourself to grow up and develop a fresh perspective on your career, this company and how you approach things in professional wrestling. All I know is that come Sunday, even with the rivalry between us, Kayla and I are going to win this match because we both want to win and we’re focused on winning while you two are bickering and whining and either acting as if you have no chance to win because of who your partner is or taking this match as a punishment. How do you both have any hope of winning this thing when you can’t even trust each other for five minutes?

Kayla, all I have to say to you for now is… let’s kick some ass! You know… and I know… even if our reasonings for how it’s going to happen may differ to some degree… that we’ve got this and you know that I’m not going to fuck you over and leave you hanging.

I trust that you won’t do that to me either…

So for this one night?

Let’s put the rivalry aside…

Even though you and I both know after the match is over… it’ll be business as usual…

I wink at the camera, showing that I’m taking that in stride. But afterward, I shut it off and got even more hyper focused on what was to come.

January 5

I was in Miami at Myra Rivers’s wrestling school. We took some time to train together as it had been a while since we had done that. The training was going fine, but during a brief intermission, I was sitting at the side of the ring when I had just learned that I was going to have a rematch against Kayla Richards at Inception. This was followed by the announcement that I was going to be facing Crystal Hilton.

“Talk about a double shot…” I thought to myself and it was at this point that despite the vigor that I had shown after the fact leading into my previous match against Prudence in regards to facing Kayla again, suddenly, that whole match at High Stakes was starting to come back to me. I was beginning to feel it all over again from a psychological standpoint and unlike Thanksgiving not that long after the fact, it was from a negative standpoint. I already knew that the way I reacted in the short term was just a numbness reaction that had suppressed how I really felt.

But now that it’s been a bit of a longer time, that numbness was gone and I couldn’t hide it anymore.

I was feeling really sick to my stomach. I had that empty, garbage feeling all over again. I thought back to the way that the match ended and all the parallels between my first run and this current run that I was on and all of that cruelness that I had previously expressed to Chelsea LeClair about six weeks ago was coming back to haunt me again.

As a professional wrestler, there are few feelings worse than losing a match just because your body didn’t have enough fight in it.

I thought about that, and it stung.

“The only thing worse than that is quitting…” I reasoned with myself.

Then I remembered that the last time I faced Crystal in SCW, that’s exactly what I did.

Thankfully, Myra’s returning presence prevented me from even going down that rabbit hole. Even then, she glanced at me, saw that I was basically white as a ghost, and she knew something was wrong.

“What happened?” Myra asked me. “You’ve been training pretty good in there. You’re not thinking otherwise, are you?”

“No, it’s got nothing to do with that. I just found out I’ve got a rematch at Inception…”

“Great!” Myra said and she was clearly happy for me for that split second before she realized quickly that I wasn’t so thrilled about it. “I thought this was what you wanted right You were talking about being front of the line and going for it all over again…”

“I jumped the gun JUST a little bit on that…” I admitted with a sigh. “Look, I don’t want to talk about that right now. Let’s just get back in there and keep working on what needs to be worked on.”

Myra sighed, but she knew she wasn’t getting anything else out of me.

“Fine…” she said as she went back in the ring. I did as well trying to shut it off from my mind, but when we resumed wrestling against each other, she was completely squashing the hell out of me. She was countering everything I threw at her when I was really coming at her strong, fast and like a house of fire. The more she was beating the hell out of me, the more frustrated I got before I was completely off my game. She had me set up for one of her finishers, but she let out an angry sigh.

“It’s like you’re a completely worse wrestler right now. This isn’t you. We’ve got to talk about it, Andrea. You can’t avoid it. This is clearly bothering you. Why the hell is this bothering you?”

“I can’t say I’m over High Stakes honestly…”

“You better get over it quickly, Andrea.”

“It was the biggest stage of the year, world title match, literally in the best shape of my life, wrestling basically one of the best matches of my career, and it wasn’t enough. You’ve never been in that situation.”

“You remember that title for title match I had with Amber, right?”

I was swallowing that last sentence at this point.

“Touche. Myra, all I can think about is how it doesn’t seem fair that it went the way it did. I hate to think that. But what else could I have done in that match? What more was there left for me to do? I know that I hung onto the past too much and that weighed me down, but something like that isn’t just going to…”

“Sadly, it happens when the other wrestler is better somehow and there’s nothing you can do about it in the moment.”

Myra sat down in the corner and I was right there with her.

“It hurts… to lose on the biggest stage like that… in front of my FAMILY… to lose it like THAT… and I hid it for a while but I was just numb to it because I didn’t want to face that pain. It sucked to lie to Chelsea that I was ‘okay’ when I really wasn’t. Now, I don’t feel like I let anyone down… other than me of course. I puffed out my chest saying ‘front of the line’ to be strong when really, I was faking it. So yeah, finding out just now about Inception and I’m mixed between feeling like it was a pity grant and feeling like maybe I shouldn’t be having this so soon. I mean…”

“Stop it, Andrea…” Myra said with her eyes narrowing with a bitter anger that I’ve become all too familiar with. “I can’t take this from you anymore. This is triggering to me because I’m getting flashbacks right now to the last 12 months of my own SCW run. I’m glad that you’re getting these feelings out of your system but I really need you to get the fuck over yourself, get the fuck over these feelings and quit it with the guilt tripping and self-doubting. This is unacceptable!”

I was taken aback by what she just said.

“I’m not going to let you make the same mistake I did, so you better fucking listen to what I’ve got to say here.”

“The same mistake you made?”

“I mentioned that title for title match. Yeah, that was the most heartbreaking loss I had when I was there. I was devastated just like you are and just like you did, I wanted to be brave and jump right back in there without thinking about it rationally. And yes, I got that rematch against her… but rather than give it a rest for a cycle and try to run it back for High Stakes, I wanted that stupid, instant gratification coming out of a heartbreaker and it ended up being Violent Conduct, with that exploding barbwire thing, a match I CLEARLY had a massive disadvantage in, and I went into that honestly never believing I was going to win. I see the same patterns ith you and I’m not going to allow it. You’re going to beat Kayla. I believe it. Chelsea believes it. Your family believes it. I just need YOU to believe it! You don’t stand a chance if you go in with this attitude and I’m not going to allow you to do that.”

“I understand, Myra. I’m sorry. I just had to get it out because I couldn’t hold it in anymore.”

“I’m GLAD that you did! That’s growth! That’s showing that you can focus on what’s ahead and currently, from what I just learned myself during our intermission, that seems to be an old foe…”

I sighed, knowing Crystal was coming.

“Crazy… after that elimination chamber, she was my next major match. Stupid parallels… but wait, fuck that! FUCK the parallels! Fuck history repeating itself! In fact, FUCK history period!”

Myra smiled knowing that i was coming out of it.

“I know the last time you faced her in SCW… yeah, FUCK that! Don’t you fucking dare make the match about avenging that or settling your past with her. FUCK the redemption story, Andrea. You’ve completed that already! you’re so lucky you’re realizing this considering I didn’t when I was in your shoes during the Amber debacle…”

“It’s not going to be about that. I’m turning the page. I’m over it. I’ll do what I have to do to move forward. What happened with Crystal didn’t define me and neither will High Stakes…”

“Good!” Myra tells em as she stands up and helps me back up. “Now show me that fire, alright?”

I nodded before our session resumed and while I was able to get back on track for the moment, even the strongest piece of my psyche knew that said history with Crystal wasn’t necessarily something I could ignore…

January 8

…considering…

I was in front of the television in my mother’s living room watching back that High Stakes match at the moment. The good news is that I wasn’t watching it back with any bitterness, anger, depression or any other negative emotion.

It was definitely a sign that I was over it.

The bad news is that Roddy, my oldest brother, suddenly came in and unplugged the TV right before the ending of that match against Crystal.

“Excuse you? I was watching that!” I said with anger in my voice.

“You shouldn’t be watching that shit.”

‘“Who the fuck asked you? You were in prison at the time.”

“And HOW is watching back that match against Crystal productive?”

“You remember ‘tape study’ right? I’m seeing either where I went wrong or where she went right. There’s nothing more to it than that.”

“Yeah, because a match from 2020 still FUCKING MATTERS…”

I was getting annoyed with his aggressiveness, but noticeably, I felt this tingling sensation in my spine feeling like we were little kids bickering with each other again.

“You’ve gone way uphill since then, she’s gone the opposite. Simple. Do I need to remind you that you’ve never liked Crystal and that you’ll never be friends with her? That alone should be enough motivation for you if not trying to build momentum for Inception.”

I narrowed my eyes with anger. My father, of course, would get away with saying this. People like Myra and Chelsea, most likely. Eddie, my closest brother? Absolutely. But the brother that rooted against me at one point and beat the shit out of me in the closet and thought I’d never amount to anything at one point? I wasn’t going to take that crap from him.

“This is why you wanted to even talk to me again? So you can suddenly dictate my career and act like the same fucking dick that you were when we were kids? Fuck yourself! You don’t get to just waltz back into my life, put on this fake shitshow that you did, only to show your true colors! I’m not standing for it.”

Roddy was taken aback by my anger.

“Hey… let’s cool the jets. Fucking Christ, Andrea! I’m trying to be helpful. I just don’t think a match that has honestly become so irrelevant…”

“You go through that match yourself and tell me it’s irrelevant…”

“It’s not going to help you. I’m doing the one thing that I’ve never done as a brother and that’s look out for you. This is me trying to prove to you that I can be here for you because the truth is, I saw that match in prison. I saw you say ‘I Quit’ and the moment you said that, I saw the pain and hurt in your eyes and I saw all the abuse I put you through and from that moment forward, I felt horrible about how I treated you and I felt like I was partially responsible for you being at the rock bottom you were when that match happened. That’s why I don’t want you watching that shit. It hurt me to see you like that and I feared after High Stakes I was going to see that again. Thank fuck that’s not the case, but I’m not letting it happened again. You’ve suffered enough, Andrea… especially because of me…”

I suddenly felt some guilt go through me and then I realized that I was the one that was acting in the wrong.

“I’m sorry.”

“When you lost that match to her and I saw that pain in your eyes, I made it a mission that I was going to help you in any way that I could.”

“I don’t know how to feel about this. You mean to tell me that some GOOD actually came out of that match?”

“I’m not the horrible monster I used to be…”

“Forgive me. I’m still not exactly used to you being nice to me. I’m going through plenty as you know and I’m working past High Stakes. I’m so sorry that you had to see that…”

“Don’t be sorry, be better….” Roddy said with a sigh. “...I want to help you somehow. I know what you’re capable of. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I want to see you win that title and beat Kayla. I want you to grow. You’re the one carrying the torch for our family and I want to see that torch passed on to the next generation. I know you don’t know my daughter that well all things considered, but your journey in the ring has made you her favorite aunt, you realize this right?”

I could only chuckle at this for a bit as I sat down on the couch.

“So all three of my nieces see me as that, huh? Let me guess, she wants to be a wrestler too just like Eddie’s girls?”

“Exactly! You’re not only inspiring the 6th generation of our family legacy, you’re also inspiring what might be the second generation of women in our family doing this and that’s something I want to see through so help me, help you.”

It was a hell of a positive feeling hearing what I just heard. I was thrilled about it really. I was already imagining the possibility of all three of my nieces being wrestlers one day and if it’s because I inspired it to happen, then that was something I wanted to see through in my own right. Suddenly, I felt like I had a new purpose for doing what I do: not to overcome the past and seek the redemption, but to keep that torch in the family strong to pass it on to the next generation and keep pushing for the future. I was smiling at this point but I also knew that with my past with Roddy not being so great, that this could also be too good to be true.

“How can you help me? You’ve been out of practice with this for so long.”

“I’ve picked up training once I got out. I mean, I’m probably never going to be hired anywhere, but dad showed me and taught me some things that he never got to show you. I can contribute if you’re able to move past old times and let me. The fact that you didn’t at High Stakes is what cost you and even you know that.”

“You said it just like Dad would’ve…”

I sighed.

“If there’s any way you can, I’m all ears, okay?”

“I’m happy to see you can look past all the pain that I ever put you through and if you master just that in SCW, you’ll be world champion again.”

I got teary eyed in a happy way as we shared an embrace.

“I’m so glad that you’re finally wanting to be my brother!”

“It’s way overdue. I’m here for you for whatever you need. Keep turning that page and you’ll never have to worry about the past hurting you or weighing you down ever again.”

I composed myself and I turned the television on again. The I Quit match with Crystal was still on pause, but I suddenly clicked a “trash can” button to delete it off that television.

That’s when I realized I really knew how to let go…

January 10

The camera was on me as I had plenty to talk about and think about. As I thought back to High Stakes, I knew I’ve had to have a bit of a journey just to get back to the point where I a at and I still had a ways to go. But I knew that beating Crystal Hilton was what was going to keep the fight going and when I spoke my mind, I knew I couldn’t let up.

“Facing Crystal Hilton has never been easy for her even though I have beaten her more often than she has beaten me. We’ve got a very convoluted history with each other that started with my first run here and when she tried to be my friend from the jump even though I personally never wanted that and to rip the band-aid off right away, I still don’t Sorry Crystal, but it’s too hard to ignore the fact that my career has always been better without you in it.  Yes, I know the parallels between my two runs here. In my first run, I had a world title match and I lost and then in the next supercard, who was my opponent? You were. So, I’m coming off of that loss at High Stakes and now I am facing you again. Wait, who was my other loss at that event years ago? You were. Who did I beat to get myself back on track before when it came to the world title? Right, that was you. So… UGH! Yeah, the de ja vu is starting to get really fucking annoying. So, as tempting as it may be for me to say “let’s repeat history all over again” or to say “time to avenge that High Stakes loss and overcome yet another piece of my past”, that’s NOT going to be the case. Yes, the history is there. Yes, the parallels are there, but I’m saying fuck that because like I preached before, it’s time for me to quit focusing on my fucking past here and all the pain and all the heartbreak and all of that shit and it’s time for me to turn the page and look a head to a new purpose and a new future…

That’s the kind of attitude that has been the difference between you and me before and it’s going to be that difference yet again…

That difference in attitude is why it only took me ONE redemption just to turn things around for me here and to regain the respect that I had flushed down the toilet around here before while you’ve had many redemption attempts in your time here and whether it’s because you give up so easily, end up coasting and relying on your reputation or because it’s too fucking easy for you to fall back into old attitudes and old habits all over again, you just can never be consistent and you can never complete that redemption. You’ve had that history of bitching about not being respected enough and you’ve even tries so hard to be my friend even NOW and it’s just the same repetitive pattern over and over and over again. Can you still be as good as you’ve been? I believe that you can. You’re only what? A couple of years removed from a Roulette Championship run here? Yet, for all your stops and starts, comings and goings and everything in between, you STILL can’t get ANY consistency going around here. You’ve reached a point where people are beginning to treat you the same way people used to treat Mercedes vargas and Jessie Salco. People aren’t seeing you as that big name Hall of Fame member like they used to. They see you and they think you’re someone trying too hard to hang on for too long.

What’s this whole thing that you’re doing going to amount to anyway, Crystal? I don’t wish evil on you. I am not openly rooting against you or anything, but up until this point, you’ve been in and out the door and you have struggled to really gain any traction here in so long because i truly, honestly, don’t think you want it in Sin City Wrestling nearly as much as you once did. I compare the Crystal that you are NOW compared to the one that I wrestled four years ago and it’s like night and day. Whether it’s because you’ve got your nose in other companies and focusing so hard on other places or whether you’re coasting here or whatever, that fire just isn’t there anymore. You seem to be far more fixated on your hotel or whatever it si you’re doing then you are about your time here as an SCW Bombshell. If you want to run your own business, you do you. But you can’t just go into this half hearted and if anyone in this company should know that, it’s you. Four years ago, when we were at each other’s throats for so long, you wanted my ass on a platter. You wanted to kill me. Hell, you even wanted to stab me in the eye at one point and you were one of the most fiery competitors there could be on the roster. You even, after you beat me at that one High Stakes a few years back, managed to regain the SCW Bombshells World Championship and everything.

What the hell happened to you, Crystal?

What happened to that wrestler that wanted to get revenge on me so bad?

What happened to the lights, camera, action chick that acted like she owned the spotlight?

Does she even exist anymore? Because your performances recently come nowhere close to what I just described. Your performances recently seem like they are coming from either someone that is just taking up roster space to collect a paycheck or someone that just hangs around and doesn’t care as much about that spotlight nearly as much as she once did. You were telling Young Justice that you’re no stepping stone or anything like that and you really SHOULDN’T be…

But you’ve been wrestling like it for the most part as of late.

You talk about how you don’t want to be made fun of by ‘women that couldn’t lace your boots’ and let me tell you one thing Crystal, when you’re dropping a mundane, Indy scene insult like that ‘lace your boots’ line, then that really shows me that you don’t care nearly as much about this as you once did. But back to the point, you complain about that, yet, with your lackluster performances lately, you INVITE being made fun of. I guess the one aspect of you that really didn’t change from four years ago until now is that you still seem to lack any sense of being able to take responsibility for your own actions or lack thereof?

I’ll be honest with you Crystal…

I hate to say what I am about to say because at heart, I really DON’T want to say it but at the same time, it’s a truth that shouldn’t be ignored.

We’ll never be friends.

We might be on good terms at some point, but we’ll never be friends.

And what’s even harsher?

Here’s what I REALLY don’t want to say by the way…

I’m GLAD we never became friends and I will gladly tell you why I feel that way. Because the truth is, had we ever been friends, your worst habits would’ve rubbed off on me. Had we been friends, I would’ve turned out to be very similar to you and when I first came to this company any years ago, I knew about you, I knew that your reputation wasn’t the greatest and that’s what made me skeptical of you. Yeah, that’s admittedly prejudice of me and that might come off as shallow to some, but how could I ignore that? I’m glad we never became friends because I would’ve picked up some of your behaviors that wouldn’t have been so wonderful.

What you saw out of me four years ago is basically a taste of what I would’ve been for the rest of my career had we ever been friends and THANK FUCK I snapped out of it. In a harsh, roundabout sort of way, I basically saved my career by not being friends with you and it hurts my soul to say that because that’s not the kind of person I am, generally but I’d feel even worse about sugar coating this or even worse, lying. I used to feel this hatred of you all those years ago. I used to feel this bitterness toward you for so long largely because you tried to force your way into my life at one point. I used to be heated about you because I knew if there was one woman around here that I could consider a heated rival, it was absolutely gong to be you…

But times have changed…

I’ve changed…

I’ve become a far better wrestler that I was back then and I’ve proven that with how I was able to come back here, do what I do, win the Belle of the Brawl tournament and go to High Stakes…

You? Well, you personally haven’t changed but in a Sin City Wrestling ring, you’ve gotten progressively worse and the worst part is, you’ve allowed it to happen.

Before? I looked at you and I felt what I felt as I described moments ago.

Now? I look at you and I don’t feel a fucking thing.

The Andrea of old would’ve come in here wanting to avenge that High Stakes loss from 2020 to make it part of her ‘facing and overcoming the past’ campaign that was going on leading up to High Stakes…

But after losing at High Stakes, I realize that I can’t be all about the past and that I have to just come to terms with it all… meaning that it’s not worth being angry at you for the past. It’s not worth being angry at Alicia Lukas, or Evie Jordan or Keira, or Roxi or anyone that I pissed off or that I was pissed off at from the last time I was here. It’s just not. I’m moving above and beyond that now. Maybe in a weird way, losing at High Stakes was probably the best thing that could’ve happened for my wrestling present and future. I can’t say that for sure, Crystal. Yet, despite being above the past, I know deep down that I still have to treat you like I did in 2020 as the serious threat that you were at the time to the world championship because even though you have struggled for the most part since you came back for this 50th go around or whatever number it is for you here in Sin City Wrestling, even though I’ve seen your matches and how you seem unmotivated at times, I KNOW in the back of my mind that if there’s ONE opponent and ONE match that can get you motivated, it’s me!

I’m not stupid to look right past you like that.

I’m the ONE opponent you’ll probably bring out your best for and I don’t know if I should take that as a show of respect for me in this weird, backhanded sort of way or if I should take that as an insult to the company. Actually, you know what?

I’ll take it for what it is, whatever it may be. I’m not going to worry about it. That’s something out of my control. Either way Crystal, this match for me isn’t about proving that I’ve overcome the past. This match for me isn’t about toppling a demon of mine from X amount of years ago. This match for me is to build momentum for Inception AND it’s also to show the world exactly how different our paths have been since four years ago and exactly why I’ve been able to grow and get better and continue to push toward the top of my game with all the passion in my heart while you’ve seemingly lost your heart for this and continue to spin in circles as you have in this company for the last good while now.

It’s a much different ballgame now, Crystal.

And as far as our history is concerned?

This is where I turn the page and move forward instead of being fueled by the past. Ironically? I don’t think any other match or opponent would have served as that bridge for me. I suppose in that sense it is fitting.

Godspeed with the rest of your career here and whatever live brings you…

I take a bit of a sigh knowing I basically said goodbye to one last piece of the past that I had here, yet when I shut off the camera? I was feeling very happy that I took the first step on the bridge that was finally going to get me to leave said past behind.

I was back in Sedona after my huge win over Song and I was in a celebratory mood with my lifelong best friend in Chelsea LeClair as we were having a great dinner at a bar and grill called Sundowner. We weren’t talking much while we were eating, but after we both finished up, Chelsea broke the ice and she did so being in a joyous mood.

“And you were nervous about being involved in the SCW Bombshells World title picture again…” Chelsea said with a jocular wink that lightened the mood for me.

“I was…” I admitted. “But, it was only a matter of time. I had to face the very situation that broke me four years ago to begin with and I am thrilled beyond words that I was able to get beyond Song and get myself into that triple threat with Alicia and Alexandra. It wasn’t easy facing that past because my history with the SCW Bombshells World Championship is not only tragic, but it severely altered the course of my career for a good couple of years after the fact…”

“It’s weird to say this now, but as soon as you did what you did to Crystal, I knew that you were going t spiral yourself out of the company eventually…” Chelsea admits with no hesitation. “But at the same time, I knew the moment that you left that you were going to go back. You’ve always been far too good of a wrestler in SCW to have only one world title reign to your name and I knew that deep down in your heart, you would realize just that. Plus, I know you too well. You have too much pride to leave things as they are especially when you know it should’ve been better.”

I could only smile at this as I drank some of my remaining tea.

“You DO know me well…”

“Like you were really going to leave behind an unfinished ‘legacy’ for lack of a better term all because some fucking piece of shit that was only relevant because of her then-husband to begin with broke your mental health… or more specifically, you allowed her to.”

“Chelsea, you have my word that under no circumstances will I EVER allow someone like Evie Jordan to EVER destroy me like that again.”

Chelsea saw the anger in my face when I brought up those old scars and she smiled knowing the fire within me that she snuffed out was back in full force.

“I’m ecstatic to see this from you right now…” Chelsea said with happiness, but I suddenly felt odd when I saw that happiness become a little worry on her face.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s just me being protective of you but I worry too. I can’t help it. If you were to lose, especially to Alicia, or to Kayla at the end…”

“What are you getting at here?”

“For starters, we know that the history between you and Alicia is nothing good at all, but I worry that for you, Kayla might be another Evie…”

I took a deep breath knowing that Chelsea might have a point. From what we both studied and learned about the champion, we both came to the conclusion that Kayla definitely had her tendencies to be cruel and nasty to others.

“I’m going to get by this triple threat match first before I even worry about Kayla…”

“Oh you’ve got this…” Chelsea said, being far more sure of this than I was.

“It’s not that easy…” I said, annoyed with Chelsea’s optimism. This suddenly caught her off guard.

“Andrea, it’s been four years now. You left SCW and you came back a better wrestler and a much stronger person. How can you say that?”

I thought back to essentially my entire history with Alicia and sighed.

“Alicia has ALWAYS been my road block…” I said with some bitter anger. “Almost every time I have competed for a world championship, she’s either done better than me or gotten the better of me and that’s not history that I can just sweep under the rug. It’s only fitting that she stands in my way again the moment I start to get anywhere close to world title contention for the first time in four years.”

“You’ve beaten her before, Andrea. The last High Stakes match that you wrestled in…”

“For the Internet Championship…” I said with a scoff. “Plus I didn’t pin her, I pinned Keira Fisher that night.”

“Don’t downplay that. That’s still a victory worth remembering…”

“Maybe so, but it’s not going to change the fact that if it wasn’t Evie that was in my way when it came to the world championship, it was Alicia.”

I could feel that anger boiling through my veins at this point and Chelsea was feeling that anger too.

“You’ve never gotten over that history with Alicia have you?”

I shook my head, causing Chelsea to sigh and grab my hands.

“Don’t forget that it was suffering my first loss to her that started that whole spiral to begin with…”

“I get it Andrea. But, you’re going to have to face this in a couple of weeks and let it go. If you want to go to High Stakes and if you want to finally squash that horrible past that mentally destroyed you for years, then you are going to have to get over that history and there is no other way around it. Think about the damage that she caused you and how it was slowly starting that snowball. What you went through with Evie would’ve never happened, or never been as bad as it was, if your experiences with Alicia hadn’t already cracked your confidence…”

That one hit right in the heart and I knew she was right. We left the diner at this point, but now? I really had to face that history and find a way to get over it…

Christmas Eve 2019

Months before I ever met Evie, I was already spiraling. My parents were definitely dispirited by the way i was behaving considering I wasn’t far removed from my first ever SCW Bombshells World Championship match, one that ended in utter failure. I was in the living room with them and they were already trying to talk me through what was breaking me beyond my own understanding.

“Fourth fucking place…” I told my parents. “I didn’t deserve to be in that match at all…”

My mother had a facepalm moment while my father was looking like he was swallowing air.

“I was completely overmatched by the old guard. Roxi, Alicia and Crystal had all the spotlight and Alicia eliminated me so now I’ve been beaten twice by that horrible woman…”

“We’ve had this conversation before Andrea so there’s nothing I can say that is going to change your tune…” my father said, causing me to feel guilt when I saw the shame in his eyes.

“Let me say something…” my mother added.

“You’re not going to be able to encourage her. You’re not the wrestler.”

“Encourage her to do what? Continue to go down this path that she is clearly miserable in? Andrea, I’m going to encourage you to be done with this whole thing…”

“Honey, really?” my father said with anger.

“Get another career, Andrea…”

My mother’s stinging words caused my jaw to drop. I was in total shock that my mother just sat there and encouraged me to give up the dream that I wanted ever since I was a child. My father was ticked off and I could tell how angry he was when he was digging into his own jeans. My mother picked up on this.

“...or at the very least consider moving on from SCW…”

“That’s ridiculous…” my father said.

“Mom, I just signed a few months ago. If I were to leave, especially after this, I’d look like a bitch and everyone would laugh at me and mock me for being a failure that couldn’t hack it and I am not going to put up with that!”

“But is feeling like THIS worth it?”

“It’s not a feeling… it’s the truth. I’m Alicia’s bitch…” I paused to notice my mother cringing at what I just said while I had never seen my father more tempted to smack me across the face in my entire life. “How can I have any confidence in myself when she’s always getting the better of me?”

“It’s only TWICE, Andrea. FUCK!” my father nearly yelled.

“STILL! The whole locker room hates me. Everyone is rooting against me even worse than ever. The hate toward me seems to be only growing and not getting any better and it’s just making me feel like I don’t belong in SCW at all. How can I have confidence when basically everyone in the company wants me to fail so bad?”

“I can’t listen to this anymore…” my mother says with an angry sigh as she stands up. “I did not raise my only daughter to be like this. Andrea, no line of work, in ANY work is even CLOSE to worth going through the horrendous mental health struggle you are going through right now. I can’t bear to see you beating yourself up and allowing other people to dictate your own worth. You are BETTER than this!”

My mother walks out of the room with an angry body language that was really making me wallow in guilt while my father could only sigh and shake his head. I could tell that he was very much exasperated. Considering that he was trying to get through to me previously, following my first loss in SCW and going into the elimination chamber not believing in myself and thinking that I didn’t deserve to be in the match at all, he really was at wits end.

“I guess I was always meant to be some second tier wrestler and never a world champion… always a bridesmaid but never the bride…”

My father was so exasperated with my self-loathing that he didn’t offer any reaction at all, not even an eye roll.

“Andrea, we both know that it’s not true. But we’ve reached a point where you need to see the truth about yourself on your own and that there’s nothing I can do to help you. If you really feel that way, then I won't try to convince you otherwise, but I fear where you'd be if I wasn't here…"

My father then left the room while I was left behind to absorb it all and struggle with myself on a psychological level with my failures against Alicia and my increased locker room hatred really manifesting themselves in a self-destructive way as time progressed.

I felt like my father gave up on me in that moment and that haunted me.

But the scary thing was that his last statement was an unfortunate harbinger of what was to come…

Present Day

“It feels like ‘Dad was right’ is the thing I keep saying…” I told my brother Eddie while we were sitting on that same couch where I had my post-Chamber meltdown.

“You’re in a way better spot now, psychologically…” he reminded me as he briefly wrapped an arm around me. “...things are only starting to get better for you again.”

“As it turns out, I had bungled my entire world title reign before I even started it… MONTHS before I started it. I was wrapped up in my own head about what was going on and how much everyone in the locker room hates me and all these other things that I didn’t need to have in my head to the point where I actually won the championship and I felt like it was little more than a miracle. The way to look at it is…  had I believed in myself a lot more and not let all those negative, horrible feelings get to me the way I did, I would’ve had a far more fulfilling world championship reign.”

“Or… you can look at it like this…” Eddie began to counter. “...you won that championship when you weren’t at your best at that point and you especially won it when you were nowhere CLOSE to being your psychological best.”

“I’ve never seen it like that before. God, what was I thinking back then letting people like Alicia, Crystal and Evie get to me so fucking easily?”

“Easy, Andrea. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You weren’t prepared the first time around for how tough that environment could be, but it toughened you up so much that by the time you went back, you knew what you were in for. You always had it in you to be the SCW Bombshells World Champion but sadly, when you won it, you won it at a time where you weren’t even close to believing in yourself”

“True…” I said with a sigh.

“You’re okay, right? Having to face Alicia again isn’t getting to you at all?”

I shook my head.

“I’m beginning to realize that my biggest mistake with Alicia wasn’t that one ‘delay of the inevitable’ tweet after the match, it was never believing I could beat her BEFORE it even happened.”

We were interrupted by the sudden presence of my mother and Roddy, my formerly estranged brother, coming into the picture with bags packed.

“We’re all set to go to Flagstaff…” Roddy said, catching me by surprise.

“...what?” I said, stuck in shock that Roddy and my mother of all people would even go to Flagstaff at all for my match. “Mom’s never liked my career…”

“It’s not destroying you the way it used to, so I’ve eased up on that…” she explained. “You’re about to have your biggest match since you went back to SCW and not only am I going to be there for you, but we both know very well that this is what your father would’ve wanted.”

“I didn’t know you were all coming…”

“That’s up to you though…” Eddie reminded me. “Just say the word and we’ll go with you… or we won’t. But either way, we’re going to Flagstaff because of my daughter’s birthday. If you don’t want us to attend then…”

“Oh that’s right, the first time Andrea ever wrestled Alicia Lukas, she didn’t want us to go to Tucson at all..” my mother remembered.

Once she brought this up, I felt this pit of guilt in my stomach knowing damn well that in a situation where I was about to start spiraling, them being in Tucson with me on that terrible night five years ago would’ve done me so much good.

“That was a mistake…” I admitted.

“I was in prison getting wind of that match from some inmates that follow SCW and I remember being shocked when I found out that they weren’t there with you…” Roddy added.

“You actually want to go? Even with our past?” I asked Roddy.

“You’re my sister, it’s only right. That is, if you want this…”

I let out a sigh.

“Look, when I shunned you guys and told you to stay here the first time I wrestled Alicia and then ended up having that awful loss that sent me spiraling, it was dumb of me. I know it’s a different Arizona city and you have a third opponent in Alexandra and all, but I’m not making that mistake again. I’ll get you guys tickets…”

“Hell of a choice…” Eddie reassured me.

“You’ve got this and you’re going to be just fine…” my mother reassured me as she and Roddy grabbed their bags and began to head out the door and toward the car.

In that moment, not only was I feeling ‘just fine’, I was feeling great.

Hell, the bright feeling in me was FINALLY believing, for the first time, that I had any match with Alicia Lukas involved in the bag.

Friday

The camera was on me at this point and all I could do was ruminate about what was in front of me on Sunday. I thought back to 2020, when I largely scuffled in the world title picture and it wasn’t breaking me. In fact, it was motivating me. The crazy thing was, as I sat at a bench at the base of the Arizona Snowbowl, that my last world title match to date WAS a triple threat and one that I completely ate shit in at that. It did nothing but fire me up further as I began to speak…

“One win away from High Stakes. It’s easier said than done. It’d be my first world title match here in over four years and the last time I was in one, Evie Jordan basically finished me off and the summer of hell I lived effectively cratered. I remember not wanting anything to do with wrestling after that. I’m not even sure how I kept going as long as I did to be honest but even then? When I look back? I fucked that whole thing up. All I had to do was look past all the bullshit Evie was saying when it was nothing but smoke and mirrors that I was too weak to dismiss as such and maybe things would be different. So to be in a triple threat match for a chance to go to High Stakes for a world title considering that? Fitting. And while I’ve long been done with dealing with Evie, it’s only fitting that one of my opponents is indeed, smoke and mirrors and that’s YOU, Alexandra Calaway

On talent alone? Respectable. But I know why you’re not going to win on Sunday and it’s not just because you lost so much momentum when Julianna was beating your ass last week. It’s because you’re a living delusion of grandeur, someone that cannot and has not shown any capability of being consistent. Your match last week with Julianna is the perfect example of how wishy-washy and honestly full of crap you are. See, when Julianna was posting on Twitter about her title defense, you were right there singing her praises and respecting her but when you turned on the camera last week? WOW! It’s like you never respected her at all. You were saying she was a “fading star”. You and her ‘respected’ one another in that handicap match and then you’re judging her for her actions during that when you seemingly had no issues before? It’s nuts…

It’s like you learned NOTHING from our previous encounter… where you were so focused on what other people thought of you that you grouped me with the likes of Kayla and others that have actually SAID mean things to you and started throwing these mischaracterizations at me the same way that Evie Jordan did four years ago. You got all up in your feelings fresh off of a mixed tag team title match loss and you really threw away that match before we even wrestled it. You haven’t “evolved” as you claimed that you did. No, you’ve stagnated. You CLEARLY never learned how to know your opponent as evidenced by saying that JULIANNA of all people was “complacent”, calling HER a “stepping stone”... yet you’ve gone on the record HATING that people treat you that way all while you are STILL making the god damn mistake I called you out for which is giving too much of a fuck about what other people think of you talking about how you’re fighting for “every single person that has ever doubted you”.

I saw you get up in your feelings THAT bad when Finn Whelan was talking trash about you on Twitter.

You might have a career after wrestling as a politician considering how you were trying SO HARD at portraying Julianna as a fading has been who had nothing left, filling your fucking bullshit with a bunch of lies and yet, all you did was make yourself look REALLY fucking stupid when Julianna went into that ring last Sunday and she beat you straight up… yet you want to stand there and you want to act like you’re this big shot right? You want to stand there and criticize other people for their ego when you have the most delusional, grandiose one in the company. You want to whine and bitch about how other people treat you when you treat others the same way you claim the haters treat you. You fancy yourself as a contender and you talk a big game but without actually THINKING about what you’re saying, you just want to throw whatever the fuck you can create out of thin air at whoever you face and then just fit it based on the situation or the opponent with virtually NO truth to ANYTHING that you’re saying all of which looks inherently worse when that opponent ends up beating you.

It’s no fucking wonder that every time you have had an opportunity like this in SCW, you’ve always fallen short and you are going to fall short again. More than anyone in this division, you define the saying “do as I say, not as I do” and the sad thing is that should you win this match, you’re going to make that world title match all about beating Kayla and shoving her old words up her ass more than it is representing this company and if god forbid you ever win that championship, it’s going to be more about YOU, your supposed legacy and the fact that you silenced your haters more than it’s going to be about SCW and the championship you hold. Someone that thinks and acts like you could NEVER be ready to be a main event player and the damning thing is, as your words toward Julianna among other things prove, is that you never look in the mirror, never make adjustments and come back with the same old cycle thinking that you don’t have to actually GROW to get anywhere and someone like you that lives in their own delusional bubble is someone that I CAN’T and WON’T allow to impede my journey back to the SCW Bombshells World Championship.

I’ve dealt with girls like you ENOUGH for one career, Alexandra, and I am NOT going to let the trans fat version of Evie Jordan go to to the main event of High Stakes! Period!”

I calmed down for a bit before I focused on my other opponent.

“And then there’s Alicia…

Our history has been a burden on my soul for a long time. I know the last time we faced off, it was a triple threat for the Internet title that I won, but I look back at that and it’s a notch on my belt. Nothing more. You weren’t at your best in that match. As a matter of fact, you were fading and I think you knew it too which may have been a reason why you left for a while yourself. But as far as this match goes? I’m not treating you like the wrestler that was fading away at that time. I’m treating you like the wrestler that handed me my first loss in this company and who has always been a roadblock in front of me to the world championship…

My first loss in this company? Down in Tucson in fact? You.

The first time I ever wrestled a world title match in this company? You were the champion in an elimination chamber nearly five years ago. You didn’t win. But you eliminated me from that match.

When I got my rematch for the world title I lost on that horrid cruise ship experience in 2020? It wasn’t one on one against Evie. It was a triple threat that involved… YOU. I got pinned, then YOU got to face Evie again AND you ended up dethroning you.

It has always been YOU, Alicia, that has been in my way. YOU are the ONE opponent, more than anyone on this roster that I knew deep down I would have to beat to get to my goal here. It seems silly to hold onto that all these years, but I suppose it’s only fitting that you are in this match because you are associated with so much heartbreak and frustration that I’ve had here and the fact that we both came back around the same time isn’t something that surprises me at all. I don’t hate you, Alicia. As a matter of fact? I don’t think I dislike you. But for me? It’s personal with you because that snowball effect that sent me on a downward spiral four years ago? You know the one that caused me to decline psychologically and eventually led me to get away from this company for two years? Yeah, it STARTED with you… but it didn’t start BECAUSE of you…

I take the blame for that. I was new to SCW at the time, as you likely remember. But I went into that match in Tucson all those years ago intimidated as fuck by your reputation and I allowed myself to throw myself off of my game that night especially when I shunned my family and didn’t want them to make the trip to see the match. I was the one that took that loss to heart and that allowed it to affect my confidence and that rendered me feeling like I didn’t belong in that chamber. I was the one that decided to take that match between us and act like I didn’t deserve anything and that I didn’t deserve to be a world champion or to even be in that title picture, that I was the worst world champion ever… although that last one was more Evie than you I admit… and that I was just someone that deserved to be shit on and hated. Everything that I just described? That was all me and I acknowledge that I could’ve avoided ALL of that shit if I just went into that FIRST encounter that we had with FAR more confidence than I actually did.

So when you hear this and should you decide to think that this is about avenging that defeat that I had all those years ago, I want you to know that it’s NOT! This isn’t about avenging that. Hell, this isn’t even about getting my just desserts on you. The petty person that I was all those years ago would’ve been all about that, but in the two years that I was gone, I grew up and I got stronger. I don’t want revenge on you for the past. That’s fucking petty nonsense, but I do want to beat you on Sunday if not outright pin you to get to High Stakes not JUST because it would be REALLY fucking fitting if I did that to get a world title shot here, but because it would serve as THE proof that after all these years, I’ve truly grown and learned fro my mistakes the first time around. YOU are my dragon, Alicia. You understand that? You are the one obstacle in this company that I felt I’ve never truly overcome and I am going to come into this match with you with the confidence in myself that I SHOULD’VE had when we had that match in Tucson five years ago and you handed me my first loss. You want this just as bad as I do, I know this.

But with all due respect?

You’re not going to main event another HIgh Stakes…

At least not this year…

Because while you’ve never had any love lost for me?

I know that somewhere in your bitter soul I have earned SOME kind of respect for you and if I haven’t/ i’m going to fucking earn that on Sunday. I’m going to make sure that on Sunday, after all these years, I finally show this company the absolute BEST that I can be and PROVE that I am beyond better than just ONE world title reign that I SOMEHOW even had at all when I wasn’t even close to my psychological best! Time not only heals all wounds, Alicia, it also creates change and growth in most people and I’m sure it has in you like it has in me… and unlike Alexandra honestly…

I know now that I define my future, my destiny and my legacy…

I know now that I was never the worst Bombshells World Champion ever…

I know that the reign that I had was nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of just because it was nowhere close to what I wanted it to be and because I allowed myself to get beat by a vapid, empty shell of a human being that was beneath me the entire time…

Because honestly? Considering the rut I was in? I had no business winning that title at all… yet I DID…

So if I can win that world title while I’m in a rut as I was, Alicia, when I was NOWHERE close to okay, or to my best, then why be ashamed of that world title reign at all?

You won’t have to imagine what it’s like when I am fighting for that title at my very best and when I’ve got it all together as I do right now… because on Sunday? When I beat you and advance to High Stakes to face Kayla?

You and Alexandria both get to experience it for yourselves…”

With all that fire in me at this point, I shut off the camera and I exhale, feeling that self-validation that I had lacked many years ago… and knowing that some of my deepest and longest lasting battle scars when it came to Sin City Wrestling were truly and finally, starting to heal…

Yesterday…

“You were fucking great tonight…”

The reassuring words of my mentor Myra Rivers were definitely a great feeling as we stood in my Memphis hotel room for a bit.

“Thanks, so were you. It’s pretty crazy how much we are still able to gel in the rare instance that we team up together. I don’t think we’ve ever lost as a team when it’s the two of us… or at least not since GCW…”

I smiled as Myra laughed.

“Yeah, I think you’re right about that. You’re firing on all cylinders. You’ve been a world champion in your own right for 10 months. You’re definitely having the time of your career and I feel like you are definitely ready for Sunday.”

Suddenly, my mood was starting to cool a little bit.

“Right. Sunday.”

I took a deep breath as some butterflies started to invade my stomach. Wrestling Song wasn’t something that I was nervous about, but we both knew the situation. I was thinking about the Belle of the Brawl a bit knowing that two wins were going to get me a shot at the SCW Bombshells World Championship at High Stakes and I could feel that familiar tingling sensation running down my spine again. I was beginning to get flashbacks right in front of me of my experience with the SCW Bombshells World Championship and aside from the night that I won it and my first and only defense against Crystal Hilton, it just wasn’t good. That tingling in my spine suddenly extended down to my fingers and my heart completely sank with sadness as my subconscious was reliving that entire Evie Jordan embarrassment all over again. Myra already knew something wasn’t right.

“Andrea, are you okay?”

“Yeah…” I said in a stammering manner that only set of more alarms in Myra’s head.

“You’re not okay. Look, you can beat Song and take the next step to the world title…”

“It’s not that, Myra. It’s… I have to face those demons now, you know, from 2020. I’m facing the very situation that destroyed me four years ago. I hate to admit this Myra, but our tag match tonight was a distraction so that I wouldn’t have to think about Sunday but now that there’s nothing between this moment and having to face that…”

Myra put a hand on my shoulder, understanding how I was feeling but I could tell by the expression on her face that she meant business and was about to tell me something I likely didn’t want to hear.

“This was going to happen eventually, Andrea.”

“I know but…”

I paused, realizing that at this point, I was doing whatever it took to prevent a full on mental meltdown. The memories of being mocked for having a short title reign, of the end of my reign being wildly cheered, all the haters throwing ‘flash in the pan’ at me, the losing to Evie every single time… even now, in the context of having to face all of that again, even though I’m in the middle of a fulfilling world title reign as is, I was still shaky. Myra knew those hurtful memories were triggering me.

“I was a horrible SCW Bombshells World Champion…” I admitted. “Don’t try to tell me otherwise. I didn’t deserve to be in that spot to begin with and now all the haters are going to come out of hiding to attack me and bring me down just like they did in 2020. I couldn’t handle all that pressure back then especially as Evie became even more of a bully with time…”

“You’re a much different and a much stronger person his time…” Myra reminded me.

“I know but…”

“THAT right there…” Myra pauses as she points to my Festivus World Championship on the counter. “...is all the proof that you need. You wouldn’t have held it as long as you have if you weren’t a stronger person and we both know that. You have to snap out of that 2020 thought process when it comes to the world title, Andrea. You deserve to be in the spot that you’re in. You deserve to be where you are as a professional wrestler. Don’t let some nothing bullshit from four years ago tell you otherwise. Other than Diamond Steele, who you beat recently, and Alicia Lukas, who from that time that actually threw some mudslinging your way and said those awful things to you and treated you the way you did are even in the company right now?”

“Nobody else… Evie and Crystal are long gone.”

“Exactly! You weren’t going to just coast along as you were forever. You haven’t even lost a match since your SCW return and while other Bombshells in the last cycle where getting opportunities that I felt you should’ve gotten over them, you managed to keep your mouth shut, not complain about it, and continue to do your thing and if that plus your championship isn’t enough to tell you that 2024 will be different than 2020, I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“I’m sorry Myra… I didn’t mean to relapse to that person. That quick trigger…”

“Face it, Andrea… the way we both know you can.”

Myra and I exchange a hug before she leaves my hotel room. I prepared to get ready for bed for the next while at this point and eventually, I came back to my bed with a few letters I had written to my father, but I wasn’t glancing at them yet. Recently, I had been facing up to my past and now I had to reflect on it again.

“I was always that girl at that time that would overreact to a setback so much to the point where even when I bounced back, I wouldn’t enjoy the glory…”

I suddenly thought back to the time where I was about to challenge for the SCW Bombshells World Championship for the first time…

December 2019

“I really don’t deserve it…” I told my father when we were sitting on his living room couch. My father’s reaction to what I just said was that of bewilderment.

“Andrea, I don’t understand why you would think like that. Of course you deserve it! I understand you’ve got an uphill battle against when it comes to who you are facing in that elimination chamber. I know you’re facing Alicia, Roxi, Crystal and so forth and you already lost to Alicia…”

“DON’T REMIND ME!” I snapped, catching him by surprise. “That’s exactly why I don’t think I deserve to be in that chamber.”

“So you’re just going to manifest your own failure? Is that it? I raised you and trained you better than that.”

“Dad, you don’t get it…”

“Andrea, you won a match to qualify for that chamber and you’re telling me you don’t deserve it.”

“It was Keira Fisher! Has she ever been a world champion in SCW?”

“That doesn’t matter, Andrea! Besides, Seleana Zdunich was not just a world champion that you defeated, she was also one half of this year’s High Stakes main event for the Bombshells! If you beat a former world champion, I’d say you deserve it…”

“She was a world champion for only two weeks, Dad…”

My father lets out that familiar exasperated sigh that I had become so familiar with over the years.

“Plus, I just got there not that long ago… four months ago to be exact…”

“Andrea, I need you to be quiet for a minute.”

“The whole locker room celebrated Alicia beating me…”

“No disrespect, but who gives a fuck?”

I was taken aback by this as my father continued on.

“You have to move beyond all of that. You lost to Alicia. Yeah. So what? Who hasn’t? Did it destroy you? Did it end your career? No. All you’re seeing is the negative and it’s sad I get that you were in places before that would treat you the worst and that it worsened this negative Nancy mindset of yours that you already had, but for fuck’s sake, gain some fucking perspective. You are one of a very few handful of wrestlers that can make an impact in any wrestling company so quickly the way you have in SCW. Instead of focusing on the loss to Alicia and everyone else hating you because you don’t sugar coat things or whatever reason they want to hate you, why can’t you just focus on the fact that you bounced back. You beat Keira. You qualified for the chamber. You beat Seleana, half of the High Stakes main event. You worry so much about the negative, the setbacks and all of that crap that you never see the forest for the trees and that makes me worried as fuck about your future…”

“Okay… Dad? Please don’t start losing faith in me…” I said, obviously fearing that he was about to because of what he just said. A month prior, he was telling me that I had the brightest of futures and now he was telling me that he was worried about my future.

“I’m NOT losing faith in you, but the way you treat things worries me. You need to stop this mindset before you really start hurting yourself. You deserve to be there and you’re going to win…”

“And what? Make everyone resent me even more for winning the world title so fast?”

“Andrea, you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“They hate me, Dad…” I said through tears forming in my own eyes. “...I didn’t do anything wrong other than a few misplaced words to the right people. Do you realize how much pressure it is trying to be successful in a place where everyone is rooting for you to fail?”

“You’ve got this…”

“NO I DON’T!”

My father then firmly placed his hands on my shoulders doing everything he possibly could to calm me down. But even he, I could tell, was starting to crack a bit. He had a worried look on his face that I had never seen before.

“”Andrea, listen to me. Get it together and do it NOW! If you don’t… I don’t even want to think about what might happen to you. You don’t realize that by having the mindset that you do of everyone hating you and wanting you to feel, that you’re setting yourself up for self-destruction and I’m not joking a damn bit.”

“I know better, Dad…” I said, sighing to cut the tension a bit. “...I’m not going to let anyone or everyone control my emotions, how I feel about myself, how much I deserve something… you get the idea.”

My father breathed a sigh of relief at that point.

“Thank god. It’s not worth the meltdown, Andrea. Trust me on that. Now focus and get that world title, alright?”

I nodded as my father left the couch and I was left alone to think about the chamber ahead…

Yesterday…

I was glancing over some letters that I wrote to my father after he passed away and I could feel that familiar emptiness in my heart when I thought back to my attitude and how I ignored my father’s warning. I read a page about how winning the title didn’t bring me the joy that I thought I was going to have and I just closed my eyes and soaked in all the guilt going through me at the time. I realized that from 2020 to 2022, I had felt so hopeless without him. I clothed my eyes and clutched onto those letters, ruminating for a bit and coming to the unfortunate conclusion of that time period…

“Daddy, you were right…” I said.

“You’re damn right I was…” I heard him say and sure enough, when I opened my eyes, there he was sitting next to me on the bed.

“But I want to tell you this. I’m proud of how far you’ve come since you hit rock bottom all of those years ago. I don’t want you to forget that. I’m proud of how far you’ve come in this second run with SCW just like you did the first time. It seems as though history might be repeating itself again here… as if you’ve got a second chance to live this journey the right way…”

“...making up for everything and redeeming that awful time in my career, particularly 2020 around the time that you passed… that’s one of the reasons why I returned to SCW in the first place and I know that winning the world title again is the one true way that I can redeem that.”

“I won’t disagree with that…” my father said. “...but second chances like what you have, don’t come around often and third chances? Next to impossible. Don’t ever put yourself in a situation where you’d need a third chance and the way to accomplish that is not to fall down the same rabbit hole you did the first time.”

“Yeah, I understand. At least when I came back to SCW, I didn’t make a bad first impression this time. I have to say that aside from maybe someone that isn’t on the roster anymore, I’ve been treated so much better. Still, I own up to my mistakes. Back then, I said the wrong things to the wrong people. I admit that, but that doesn’t mean I deserved all the scorn and the hate I got… for that first year anyway. It’s amazing how saying a few things that could’ve been said with more finesse is what triggered all of that hate…”

“You just experienced it again with Raine, you know…” my father reminded me “...you didn’t say anything mean to her necessarily, but she got offended and… yeah let’s not go there.”

“That didn’t bother me so much…” I admitted.

“See? That’s growth. What bothered you four years ago didn’t bother you this time. You can’t control people’s reactions to what you say on a promo. As a matter of fact, I agree with you entirely in hindsight. You didn’t say anything mean… just honest. It’s not your fault that there were a select few women back then that were sensitive, insecure and that couldn’t handle the truth. Now, it’s not okay to hurt people’s feelings on purpose, but still. That’s a them problem, not a you problem.”

“Of course. I didn’t know that lesson back then.”

“You’ve grown beyond that pettiness, princess. Far beyond it. Make it right! Get to that triple threat. Win that Belle of the Brawl. Get to High Stakes. It’s the most fitting time for you to bring things full circle, make things right and finally conquer those demons right in front of you that have always been bugging you… the ones that you know in your heart won’t go away until you win that title back and prove you deserved so much more than what you had back then. Make this happen! I’ve got faith in you, now, more than ever.”

“I’m not going to relapse into that old mindset… I’m not going to let those demons beat me again… I’m NOT going to fall into the same bullshit I fell into years ago…

I closed my eyes again and then opened them in a flash. I looked to my right and my father was gone. I felt a little dazed and confused for a minute, but I let out a sigh realizing the reality of the moment I was in…

“...wow, what a way to doze off…” I said, acknowledging it was all just a dream. “...but he’s right, Myra is right and I KNOW I CAN and I WILL conquer those demons and FINALLY put that awful experience of 2020, especially that summer… behind me…”

I paused, letting out a sigh.

“Thanks Dad…”

My mindset thankfully changed for the better from there and now? I was back to the focus that I needed to be: to beat Song, to win Belle of the Brawl, and to get that redemption I’ve been starving to have for over four years…

The next night…

I had made my trip to Nevada by this point. When the camera came on me, I wasn’t as nervous as I was the night before about what’s to come. I was definitely feeling motivated again. I hated that it took having to go through a triggering soft meltdown the night before to get that push to face the demons again but I knew that it would lead to a greater good.

“Look, I know there’s a whole Halloween thing going on this Sunday, but fun isn’t something I am thinking about right now. Song, I am going to cut right to the chase with you. We have a couple of things in common and the two biggest things? We both came back to this company this year and we want to fucking prove that we are the warriors that we think we are. So, this clash that is going to happen on Sunday is definitely going to be a barnburner for me. While I appreciate the passion that you bring to the table, and while I do feel like your heart is in the right place, I still feel like my passion and my heart will come out stronger in the end. You see Song, this opportunity means everything to me. If you know anything about my story, you will know that I am a former SCW Bombshells World Champion and while that may sound great and everything, the fact of the matter is, I won that world championship four years ago and I didn’t even survive the following supercard cycle. Fifty six days… that’s all I got. And sure, that’s more than a handful of Bombshells and that’s even more successful then some of the legends that have walked into this place regardless of gender…

But Song, you are facing a competitor that doesn’t half ass and who wants to push herself to be better every step of the way. You weren’t there in 2020 when I won that championship and I suffered through the shit that I did. You weren’t there to see me fail so hard. You didn’t see me lose that world title far sooner than I wanted to lose it nor did you see the unreal collapse that happened afterward that made me embrace all the hatred I was getting in the locker room and that doesn’t disqualify you from anything necessarily but at the same time, that past that I was once so ashamed of, that I ran away from when I wasn’t in this company for as long as I was gone, it’s what fuels me now. So I hope you understand where I am coming from when I say that I have to have this. I have made it known on record that the reign that I had four years ago was NOT going to be my only one and now it’s the time to fulfill that promise. I have come back and just like I did the first time around, I have come in like a house of fire and I have taken this company by storm again. I have done what I set out to do. I beat Krystal, Seleana, Diamond and Kallie at the same time, Raine, and Alexandra Calaway who I would be facing again if I were to win this match by the way and I know I’m just getting warmed up here.

I know that the real test is just beginning and that test begins with you and as much respect as I may have for you as a competitor, I am going to make it known right here, right now that when it comes to this World Championship chase, I am NOT going to let ANYONE get in my way. I am NOT going to let ANYONE define who I am as a wrestler and what I am worth as a person or as a potential champion and if I have to go scorched earth, then that’s what I am going to do and it’s that kind of mentality that puts me over the top against someone like you. I’m not saying you have no passion for what you do, but what I am going to say is that you don’t have the strong fire within you as I have in me. I am going to exorcize my demons and it starts with you. I HATE that it starts with you because I don’t hold a thing against you, but that’s how it is going to have to be. I’ve wanted this from the time I came back. In fact, I’ll even say that this is the BIGGEST reason why I did.

But you?

What exactly was your purpose? Your desire? What brought you back around these parts? What was it that drew you to want to compete here again? Because when I hear you say what you say about your opponents, I’m not entirely sure I can interpret any sort of purpose. It’s not that you don’t have one necessarily, but it’s the fact that you’re someone that I feel is struggling to find a direction or a target or a goal. You came back and you seemed like you were in good spirits when you beat Ariana Angelos and everything but since then? It’s been more or less a mixed bag with you. Hell, I think you are in a spot at the moment where you go the way the wind blows. One match, you’re talking about Ariana and you’re coming at her from an honorable angle, wanting to just get back in there and make history and you were giving that ‘fight the good fight’ type of attitude and that seemed to work for you.

But then down the line against Luna, it was something that was a little bit different.

It wasn’t so much about fighting the good fight, was it? No, you came of as someone that wanted to eat Luna for lunch. You went from being above trying to discredit Ariana, even going so far as to acknowledge that people do such a thing, to doing everything in the book to discredit Luna. Now, am I a fan of Luna’s attitude and how she carries herself? She’s not necessarily my cup of tea. I admit that. But at the same time, that doesn’t mean you had to go in there and act as if she doesn’t know what it was like to be a true competitor as you seemed to have insinuated in your promo against her. That doesn’t mean that you had to try and discredit the fact that she has had two belts to her name and neither time she held a title, the reign lasted all that long. Unless I’m mistaken, you don’t have a Sin City Wrestling championship of any sort to your name, right?

So why the fuck are you trying to discredit Luna for having two short reigns when in the end, having two short reigns is still better than having no reigns at all. Shit, that even puts my own reign as Bombshells World Champion that I am nowhere near proud of into perspective, doesn’t it? I hate to bring this up, but you’re standing in front of that camera asking Luna what she’s actually accomplished when she’s accomplished more than you have. Honestly, I was pretty disappointed to see you carry that type of attitude because you had me fooled after your match with Ariana thinking that you weren’t that type of person. Luna winds up beating you and I don’t seem to recall you even mentioning or acknowledging that? I don’t seem to recall you coming out of the woodwork vowing to do whatever it took to be better and to improve along the way along with learning from your mistakes and as passionate as you can be when you are on your game, I just don’t think you’re consistent enough with it.

I don’t think you want to grow as much as I do.

Hell, I’ll even go as far as saying that at the moment when it comes to your journey here in Sin City Wrestling, you don’t even have a true identity yet because you’re still trying to find that. Now, I am not going to knock that or anything, but when you have a situation like this Sunday where a potential World Championship shot is on the line, you can’t be in the process of finding your identity: you’ve already got to have it figured out. You can’t win a world championship and be at your very best as a professional wrestler if you don’t even know who you want to be in this business. It’s a harsh truth, but I’d rather tell a harsh truth than sugar coat it.

I admit that what I just described…

That was me the first time I was here. I came to this company the first time five years ago and a big problem that I had was that I didn’t know what I wanted to be and I didn’t know myself all that well as a professional wrestler even though I THOUGHT I did and that was something that weighed me down and screwed me in the long run. Sure, I won that Bombshells World Championship. But… honestly?

I wasn’t ready for that.”

I took a brief pause to sigh at such an unfortunate fact.

“This isn’t to say that I’m ungrateful for the opportunities that I had, because I was at the time. But I went into every single main event and world title match I was in at that point feeling like I wasn’t ready, but being too stubborn to admit it. I was throwing things against the wall just to see what stuck and on ONE Easter night, something DID stick but the consequence of being on top so fucking soon, before you are even ready, is that there’s nowhere to go but down because you don’t have the belief system within you to push ahead as the champion you can be. Psychologically, I had no structure in place and once I lost that world title, I was broken… and then broken became shattered when my father suddenly passed and then… well… I spiraled for two entire fucking years until I left this company because it was the only way I was ever getting out of that spiral…

Now?

I know who I am. I know my identity. I know what I want to accomplish. I know what I am capable of. If I can win that world championship once, during a time where I was honestly nowhere close to my best as a professional wrestler in hindsight, then I can win it again when I am beginning to progress to the peak of my career. I didn’t come back here until I became stronger and until I discovered who I was and who I wanted to be and because I wasn’t going to let THAT reign be my only one…

…and mark my words…

It fucking won’t be…

And it all starts with YOU! It’s easier said than done, but I know what I have to do. I have to beat you. I have to get to that triple threat against Alexandria and Alicia… speaking of conquering demons by the way… I have to beat them and then go to High Stakes against Kayla where that spotlight is going to be shining the brightest. It’s a gauntlet full of demons to overcome the Hell that destroyed me four years ago and to finally put all of those 2020 ghosts to rest…

But I know that if there is one woman on the roster that is capable of that, it’s me and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. For the first time in four years, a world title related opportunity has come around and starting on Sunday, running away from the world title as I did after that horrible summer of four years ago for so damn long will be a thing of the past.

I’ll show you what the strongest warrior is capable of Song…

I’ll show you why I do what I do…

I show you why I’ll beat you and why ultimately, I’ll win that Belle of the Brawl and then make that redemption and everything else come full circle at High Stakes of all places. It’s a bold thing to say, I realize that. I know that certain people might hear this and they might get annoyed with me, pissed at me, or whatever the fuck they feel. But the old Andrea used to dictate her own worth based on how other people felt about her…

But no more…

Sunday is where I start taking control of my own destiny again.

You’re going to have to fight like hell to stop me…

And as much as it pains me to say this, you’re going to have to get rid of me by putting me in a grave deeper than my own father’s to crush my dreams again…

Now do you understand how bad I want this? Now do you get why I HAVE to win this?

Song, you’re only just witnessing the tip of the fire that is burning within me right now.

Get ready to experience it on Sunday when I advance to that triple threat…

With that, I allow that fire to burn within me and I allow that determination to flow through me as I shut the camera off and get myself in that familiar zone to come through in the clutch just like I have many times before in SCW despite my own self-created adversity…

After Summer XXXtreme

I was overwhelmed with emotion in the hour following the end of the show. Back in my cabin, I held my newly won SCW Bombshells Internet Championship and I was definitely feeling a bunch of joy that was very much equivalent to when I won the world title. I thought back to the rough waters of my world title reign and how tough it was to get through that and even further, I was thinking back to some of my pre-SCW struggles and how Mainstream Wrestling didn’t care about me at all. I thought back to the heartbreaks of those two losses to Kayla and how they could’ve broken me completely but I didn’t allow it to happen. My boyfriend Liam approached me and he saw that there were tears rolling down my face. He wrapped an arm around me and only had one word to say…

“Congratulations…”

“Thank you…” I said with a smile through my tears. “That was one of the toughest matches I’ve fought yet. Tempest was by no means a joke. To be the one that ends her dominance with this championship is one thing, but to do so in the backdrop that I’ve had to be dealing with really just adds to it…”

“I’ve had a front row seat for plenty of it…” he reminds me with a laugh. “I know at first you were stubborn as you still had some of your father’s poison in your conscience, but I knew that with time and the more you began to fight back against his parental tyranny that he brainwashed you with over the years, that this was the eventual outcome.”

“You saw it before I did, I admit…” I said, sighing as I looked back at the championship that I just won. “I wasn’t sure how I was going to take it all in considering that it was by no means a guarantee that I was going to win this, but to bounce back so quickly to win this when it seemed like people were going to start writing me off is a testament to how strong of a champion I’ve always been. It was almost like I was going through High Stakes all over again… just better…”

“Don’t discredit that High Stakes moment though…” my boyfriend reminded me.

“I’m not. But, the truth is? I was far more prepared for a challenge like Tempest and I am far more prepared to be a champion this time around even if this isn’t the world title. I was thrown into the fire out of the woodwork that time. This time? I was thrown back in coming off of that double heartbreak and I thrived. I need to be honest with you about something Liam… and this is something that you are not to tell to ANYONE…”

“Of course…”

“After Into the Void?” I said with a sigh, briefly recalling that heartbreaking second loss to Kayla. “That same night? After it was over? Heck, even when I woke up the next morning. There was a part of me that wanted to leave…”

Liam doesn’t know whether to act surprised or not.

“I had won the world title in six matches, I had my six month reign, my window for that title had closed…” I reflected as the pain of that defeat caused a few more teardrops. “...I was feeling like a joke, like everything that was said about my reign was true and before you mention it, I know you and my mother did everything you could to prevent that mindset and that train of thought, but I couldn’t help it, you know? Not when that’s the habit I’m used to. At least this time I can say that the train of thought wasn’t as long as before…”

I sighed again as I continued.

“I didn’t know what to do with myself nor did I know if there was any further goals left to achieve. I mean, when you’ve won it all and done it all so soon and then you’re knocked off the perch with a closed window, what’s left? You know….”

Liam nods in understanding.

“It was literally the emptiest that I felt in a good while and it hurt because HERE is where I want to make it work the best for my career. Sin City Wrestling is where I WANT to create THE ultimate legacy for my career when it’s all said and done. I don’t want it to be fucking Mainstream Wrestling. I don’t give a fuck if I’m a Hall of Fame member there. I’d rather be remembered for a company that actually does appreciate me a little bit than a company that never did. But as the next day wore on and I realized I wasn’t beating myself up so badly, that’s when I realized everything was going to be fine. I didn’t know how, but I just knew…”

Liam grabs my hand and gives me a kiss on the forehead.

“So everything your mother and I tried to do for you did work out after all…”

I nodded at this.

“Into the Void was my rock bottom and I realized that fighting through the darkness I was drowning in and getting back into the light was better than running away and being yet another flash in the pan that got hot and then dipped when the going got tough. I realized that pieces were still missing, and the puzzle that is me isn’t quite complete yet. But at the same time, I’ve gained so much more perspective especially learning more about my German heritage and all… knowing my mother’s been through it like I have… knowing that had my grandparents never risked their lives, I wouldn’t be here. This title doesn’t solve the puzzle… but knowing that I’m getting there means the world to me and I can’t want to bring this title back to my family…”

I wasn’t crying, even in the slightest. Winning the Bombshells Championship last year absolutely brought a pure joy to my heart, especially considering that I did it for my mother. I knew that I was experiencing that feeling again, even if it was different. Liam wrapped an arm around me and that mental peace that I had lost when Ariana fucked up my first title defense against Courtney Pierce was absolutely back.

“You’ve got a second chance, Julianna…” Liam reminded me. “You and I both know that when you had the world title, for all the good you managed to make out of it in spite of all the obstacles in front of you, that this is your chance to clear that bar that you set when you were shackled with those obstacles. This isn’t a redemption title reign. You don’t have anything to prove to anyone but yourself and you’re going into this new journey having a far clearer head than last time.”

“Well, I’m just going to say that as long as Ariana Angelos isn’t feuding with whoever the hell my first title defense is, I should be alright…” I say with a bit of a laugh. Finally, the mood lightened in the room quite a bit when I got a phone call from my mother. I was absolutely looking forward to this all things considered and I was excited to answer the phone.

“MOM!” I said with an excited shriek in my voice. “I did it AGAIN!”

My mother let out a deep breath which suddenly brought down the joy I just expressed. Something felt wrong.

“Congratulations honey…” she said in a soft tone of voice that confirmed that something was wrong. “...I’m happy for you, you know that. You’ve built your way back up and I’m proud of you.”

“What’s going on?” I asked my mother.

“Julianna…” she said with a sigh. “...it’s your grandfather…”

“....no…” I said, assuming the absolute worst. “NO! No… no…”

“He’s alive…” my mother said. “He’s in the hospital. They had to rush him in for a collapsed lung. Thank god there wasn’t a surgery needed otherwise his prognosis could’ve been so much worse. But, your grandparents definitely won’t be flying back to Germany anytime soon.”

I exhaled, clearly relieved that the worst hadn’t come to pass.

“The cruise is docking very soon…” I told my mother. “I’ll be there as soon as I can get there. Just text me the location details, okay?”

“Of course. Congratulations again. We’ll celebrate soon, all four of us. Love you honey, be safe.”

“I’d love that! Love you too!”

The phone call ended at that point.

“Is everything okay?”

“My grandfather had a scare, but he’s thankfully as fine as he can be at this point.”

“Good. I’m glad…”

Liam tried to push the conversation further, but at this point, the celebratory tone of my title victory had died down quite a bit and all I could think about was getting back to San Diego as soon as I could.

July 30

The hospital is a place I’ve become familiar with for the wrong reasons especially since this particular hospital in San Diego is the same one where my mother got her cancerous kidney removed last year. Perhaps that’s why I was feeling extra nervous, even in the slightest bit, as I walked through the hallway and approached the room that my grandfather was staying in. I didn’t know how to feel, but as I was just outside the door, I could hear a conversation going on and the vibe definitely felt a little more joyful than anything. I walked inside to see both my mother and her parents.

“There she is! Our champion!” my mother exclaimed as I sheepishly walked in and hugged her.

“Was that really you in there?” my grandmother asked me as we exchanged our hug. “It was like watching your mother all over again.”

“You’ve seen me wrestle before…” I reminded my grandmother.

“But not like that…” my grandfather said from his hospital bed. I looked at him and I didn’t waste any time at all being by his bed and we exchanged a hug.

“Not too strong, Julianna…” he reminded me

“Sorry…” I said with a nervous laugh. “Thank you all for your kindness but… right now, I’m worried about you.”

“I’m fine…” my grandfather insisted with as strong of a voice as he can muster. He paused to breathe on an oxygen mask that was provided to him. “...that’s what happens when you get old. Hopefully you won’t have to find out for another 50 years if you ever do at all.”

“I’m glad you’re okay dear, but we weren’t planning on staying here much longer…” my grandmother reminded him. “...but the doctors recommended no flying for sixty days at least…”

“That’s just sixty more days with my favorite granddaughter right?” my grandfather asked me, causing me to laugh for a bit.

“Well, I don’t know if I’m your FAVORITE favorite…” I said with a playful eye roll.

“Julianna, like I said, I am going to be fine…”

“You say that but I feel like… you know, if there’s anything that I can do to help. I know it’s going to difficult for both of you having to stay longer.”

“My father has always been quite the hard rock to crack…” my mother tells me. “...but honestly?”

My mother smiles for a bit as she looks at my grandfather.

“I can tell her, right?”

“Go ahead.”

“When your grandfather woke up, the first thing he did when he saw us was ask if you won…”

“Really?” I asked, feeling touched.

“I know that match meant the world to you, Julianna…” my grandfather said. “...we were all watching the event and we were waiting for your match to come on and then the rest is history and I ended up here. It meant the world to us because we’ve been kept away from you by that wretched father of yours for so long and we’ve always wanted to be close to you.”

“You’ve talked enough dear…” my grandmother told him as he took a breath out of his oxygen mask. “...we felt that we could grow closer to you watching you win and we didn’t get to see it happen live because of the unfortunate circumstances but it felt great to know that we played some kind of role in your victory.”

“Thank you again for that story…” I told my grandparents. “...this reign is going to be dedicated to you both, I promise that.”

“No… don’t do that…” my grandfather said, surprising me.

“I did the same the last time I was a champion in SCW for my mother when she was going through her cancer scare…”

“We’re aware of that…” my grandmother added. “But we don’t want you to worry about us. We’re happy that we can finally be a part of your life for whatever time your grandfather and I have left on this earth, but this isn’t the DiMaria family, Julianna. Schroders focus on doing their own thing. We know that family will always be there to support us, but at the same time we pave our own way and we don’t burden ourselves with the risk of letting our own blood down. I understand your father brainwashed you into pleasing him at every turn and making HIM happy, but we want you to do your thing… for you!”

“I think your grandmother makes an excellent point, honey…” my mother told me. “It was so sweet of you to dedicate your world title win to me and it was amazing that we called it ‘our’ world title and that you were defending that in my honor. It’s so thoughtful of you to want to do the same for your grandparents with your new title. But this time? Focus on what you need to do, for you. Not for us, you!”

“I’m sorry, I just thought… oh who am I kidding? I have nothing to be sorry for. I just felt like hearing your story connected me so strongly. But, thank you for that. I appreciate all of your support and don’t worry, I’m just getting started. I was definitely motivated back on that cruise and no matter what happened in the past or what I was facing in that ring or how bad things got when I wasn’t looking very good, I fought through it and I wouldn’t have done it without both of you so again, thank you for inspiring me and for pushing through to get that win that I really had to have, more than I can put into words really.”

Relief gave way to happiness at this point as my mother came up to me and told me she was definitely the proudest she’s ever been of me in the moment. I stayed behind at the hospital for a couple of more hours to further connect with my grandparents and to just take my mind off of my wrestling career for a moment to appreciate everything that was happening around me at the moment.

Of course…

For all of the happiness, joy and the good vibes that I was experiencing at the moment, I knew that very soon? I had to get back at it and I had to prove that I had learned so much between the two title reigns that I’ve picked up in Sin City Wrestling so far…

August 23

After all of it, I was on my own again and once again, I was traveling around the world with SCW having yet another tour. It was absolutely hard to say goodbye to my family back in San Diego, but I knew that business needed to be had. Once the camera came on me and I was thinking about the task at hand, I started to get angry again. The Julianna that had a soft spot in her heart for her loved ones that cared about her and cherished her just as much in the inverse was about to unleash some hell.

There was just no way I could show mercy to any opponent now… especially someone that was closely connected to one of the biggest pieces of shit I’ve ever met in my wrestling career…

“I had it rough with my SCW Bombshells World Championship reign. I am not going to lie about that. The fact of the matter is, I was put into a situation that most of you wouldn’t have been able to handle as well as I did and that goes for everything that happened after Into the Void. People that have been world champion as recently as I have would’ve taken the opportunity to win this championship that I have now over my shoulder and they would’ve flushed it down the toilet because the title meant nothing to them. I never treated this championship that way. The way I looked at it was that this championship was my bounce back as well as the symbolism of the fact that I wasn’t going to just fade away as a flash in the pan the way other people that have won a world championship have. There was no fucking way in hell I was going to “Ruby Steele” my journey here. Oops, I name dropped my opponent’s other alias! Granted, it’s not even a secret but the fact of the matter is that as the SCW Bombshells Internet Champion, I know in my heart that there is nothing that I can’t accomplish in this company and I especially know that everything that I have done up to this point in my career is no fucking fluke at all. How fitting, I suppose, that my first match as the Internet Champion happens to be against someone that is closely connected to the same piece of shit I beat for the World title back at High Stakes….

And Prudence… you know I am talking about you.

You think you suddenly want to become an Internet Championship contender just because what? You beat Krystal Wolfe at Summer XXXtreme? Yeah, AND? Krystal Wolfe’s decline in the Sin City Wrestling Bombshells division started long before I ever signed on the dotted line in this company and you think that’s supposed to impress me? Really, all you did was just get revenge for her breaking your arm last year and honey, I’ve got to be honest with you, if you’re that fucking pathetic to where you allow someone like THAT to break your arm then maybe you should’ve considered wrestling for another company because there’s no way that even a Hall of Fame Bombshell would’ve ever lived down that embarrassment. Really, you beat Krystal. AND? That doesn’t make you an Internet title contender. Hell, it doesn’t even make you a Roulette title contender. You know what DOES make you a title contender in Sin City Wrestling? Consistency, that’s what. You want to know what makes you a contender? Beating the best that you can beat on any given night and honey, your track record suggests that you have done ANYTHING but that.

‘But I won the Blast from the Past tournament three years ago…’

Yeah, only to be probably the WORST Bombshells Blast from the Past tournament winner… EVER! Or at the very least within the last five years… yes even worse than the moronic coward that won the tournament the year after you did and that’s saying something. You want to come back here and act like you’re a threat to any championship, but tell me how you can be a threat when Krystal breaks your arm and when you took that Blast from the Past tournament victory and completely flushed it down the drain? You did NOTHING with that win! You got your title shot, you got your ass handed to you and then after that… you literally just fell off the map. Once you had your first loss in this company after you won that tournament, you were exposed as a fluke and honey, don’t think I don’t know the circumstances regarding how you won that tournament. I’m well aware that your original partner bailed from that year’s tournament for whatever reason and you were fortunate enough to be paired with the reigning male winner after his team was already bounced from the tournament.

Honey, you don’t even sniff the finals of that fucking tournament if you didn’t have that fortunate partner change. You’ve always been one of those flash in the pan bitches that gets her lucky break and completely wastes it. And now… NOW… you’re leeching off your fucking other half trying so hard to be relevant… not relevant AGAIN because honey, benefiting off of a lucky break in one tournament as far as your partner goes doesn’t make you relevant at all… no, you’ve NEVER been THAT relevant in this company. So yeah, go ahead and leech off of Courtney. That’s your only claim to fame, that’s your only claim to fame these days and even THAT is more of a SHAME than anything. I’m not going to recap the history that I have with Courtney all that much, but you know the story and damn right I was throwing shade left and right because she fucking deserved it for being, in my honest opinion, one of the worst SCW Bombshells World Champion in recent memory. You want to cast your lot with that? Fine! But that hasn’t done much for you. In fact, while we can debate whether she was the worst world champion or not… it’s a PROVEN FACT that she was, BY FAR in recent memory, the WORST holder of THIS very championship…

She didn’t even want this title. She just saw it as a cheap consolation prize. She did nothing but bury this title into the ground, all but saying this is meaningless to her and I may be who I am, but something that I am NOT is an ungrateful bitch that decides to just fuck off and run away when the going gets tough and that’s exactly what your significant other did. When it comes to the two women that I have won a championship from, Prudence, I can say with a confident FACT that Tempest was the SUPERIOR of the two. Now, I know that’s Courtney and not you, but in my book? You and her are literally the same book written twice considering that you both have a flash of brilliance here and a flash of brilliance there, but ultimately, you both have a history of inconsistency. You both just come and go whenever the fuck you feel like it and then poof, you just disappear either because the going gets tough or you lose your passion and decide that this isn’t worth it. Tell me Prudence, how long before you just fuck off and disappear, huh? Can we start taking bets on that? It sickens me that I even have to wrestle you and believe it or not, it’s NOT because of who you’re associated with… at least not primarily. It’s because in my eyes, you don’t deserve to be in contention for this championship because throughout your spotty, inconsistent, bust of a career that you’ve had in this company, you haven’t done a fucking thing to even EARN the chance to be the number one contender. You got all these bitches chomping at the bit and trying to secure their title shot, many of whom have far more passion for this than you do, and yet it’s YOU with the possible chance to get a shot at my title?

FUCK THAT!

I do NOT abide by that!

In MY division, for MY championship, I want challengers that actually fucking want it and Prudence, I donm’t think, at any point in your career, you have ever truly shown that you want “it” and your fall from grace from being a fluke Blast from the Past winner being carried by a guy that was already eliminated and yet was gifted a second chance PROVES that! You have the same fucking lack of passion and desire that Courtney does and yes bitch, I AM throwing shade. I DESERVE my fucking pound of shade after the way that piece of shit tried to undercut me and discredit me along the way only to FLOP harder than her fucking title reign did so DEAL with it instead of sliding into my fucking mentions on Twitter like you did weeks ago asking me why I’m throwing shade, acting as if that delusional bitch has any fucking right to be a victim. If you weren’t so hellbent on revenge on Krystal for breaking your arm, then I bet you would care about Summer XXXtreme so much less than you actually did and I’m even willing to bet that under those circumstances, she probably would’ve beaten you. Hell, do you want this match to actually BE a champion? Or do you want to beat me just because I’ve been throwing shade at someone who deserved it?

Probably the latter because HOLY HELL, every BAD FUCKING THING that happens to either of you means you’re the victim. God knows going into that match against Krystal, you wouldn’t stop fucking crying about how she broke your arm and how the company rightfully fired your ass when you STILL somehow managed to burrow your way back into this company and reducing yourself to being a pest at ringside and screwing Ariana Angelos out of matches. You don’t have the mental strength for this considering what you said going into Summer XXXtreme, when you’re openly whining about how you fell off after Blast from the Past and how you were questioning yourself as to if you really wanted to do this. Trust me, I’ve been there. I came pretty close to that point after Into the Void, I will be bloody honest with you on that. But I stuck around. Sure, things sucked for me immensely after that event and I didn’t know what was going to come next for me but through it all, I got the fuck back up, pushed through and when the cameras were rolling, you didn’t hear me whining about losing to Kayla twice and you damn sure didn’t hear me complain about the opportunity to end Tempest’s reign being a demotion because I NEVER saw it as a demotion. I’d never do that. Meanwhile, you’re over there bitching about how when you’re on a tear, nobody cares and I hear you whine about that prior to Summer XXXtreme and I’m wondering when you were ever on a tear in this company at all.

‘BUT BLAST FROM THE…’

SHUT UP, PRUDENCE!

I’ve already gone into why that doesn’t fucking count.

Even Twisted Sister would’ve won Blast from the Past that year if she had Mark Cross as a partner… so SAVE IT!

Quit acting like a god damn victim every time something doesn’t go your way or you suffer through something that happened to you especially when it was something that was earned in retaliation.

Quit thinking like the world fucking owes you anything just because of ONE fluke tournament win that you have done absolutely nothing with.

Quit thinking that you’re a title contender… though I don’t know… maybe that should be directed more toward the powers that be that decided to give you this chance only because you had “impressive wins” over Harper Mason and Krystal Wolfe. I mean, people talked shit about me and whether or not I deserved to be the SCW Bombshells World Champion or even deserved the shot at all, but at least in my third match here, I actually beat a Hall of Fame member and I had THAT to hang my hat on.

Sunday is going to be your reckoning day, Prudence. If you can’t already tell, I can’t STAND people like you that whine, bitch, moan and play the victim when they barely lift a fucking finger to change a dire situation that they are in that they created themselves. Take some damn responsibility for your actions, grow up and if you really do have the ability to be a champion in this company, step the hell up and prove that. Spoiler alert though…

You’ll have to wait until your next match in Sin City Wrestling to start doing what I suggested with the stepping up and proving that you’re talented enough to be a champion here…

Because you’re NOT going to do it against me…

Not at Violent Conduct because I’m about to make sure you don’t even get your opportunity against me there.

Not on Sunday…

Because I’m not going to allow it, Prudence.

I’ve had to REALLY fight my own battles and grow and learn along the way during my time here and as a result, I KNOW this reign with the Internet title will be BETTER than my world title reign…

Because I KNOW who the fuck I am… as a person… in this business… in this company… and who the fuck I want to grow to be in the future as a wrestler and as a woman…

Do YOU, Prudence?

Doubt it!

You might want to start looking in the mirror and finally realizing YOU’RE the fucking problem after I take your faint hopes and desires to beat me for this championship and send them drowning down the Mekong River…

Sunday?

The one that TRULY has the passion for her craft will HUMBLE the one that has WAY more growing up to do than she could ever realize…”

I took a deep breath, calming down from being so heated. As I shut off the camera, I was feeling quite angry. But I knew Prudence was going to feel the brunt of that anger on Sunday and it was going to feel fucking great to unleash it all on her.

June 10

“That one hurt worse than the last time…”

That was the prevailing thought in my head on the morning after Into the Void. I was far more crushed than I was portraying on social media and that wasn’t a feeling that I could deny. I went to bed the night before feeling completely empty on the inside and falling in and out of sleep. I was groggy as a result and I had so many questions…

Where do I go from here?

What’s next?

How do I come back from this?

Why? (as in why did I lose to Kayla Richards twice)

It turns out that my next therapist appointment with Dr. Montgomery couldn’t have come at a better time though since I was still in Hawaii, this appointment was virtual. I let out a sigh when I explained to him how I was feeling. I swallowed some of my pride when I had to admit a reality that I was facing and one that I had been hoping to avoid.

“It’s the end of the line for me…” I sullenly admitted. “There’s no rematch. There’s no world title picture. I know the wound is so fresh, but it’s just so devastating.”

“You were much more bold on social media last night…” Dr. Montgomery reminds me.

“I was putting on the bravest face that I could, but that doesn’t really how I was feeling. Well, not in the moment anyway. I know I’ll get to that point pretty soon. I didn’t cry myself to sleep last night, so I suppose that’s a small victory…”

That last sentence brought out a smirk on Dr. Montgomery’s face.

“I’d say that’s a massive victory, Julianna.”

I was surprised to hear this.

“You’re going through a healing process right now, as you have for months. You are learning how to trust and love yourself better. I understand that it’s natural for you to feel the way that you are. Let’s go over those questions that you asked when we started our session. Those first two are simple: what’s next and where you go from here is entirely up to you. I know that being a world champion means the world to you and I understand that it’s going to be a long road back. But, I think in the long run, it’s going to be the best thing for you.”

“I don’t know how assuring that is, doctor…” I said with a sigh.

“You were thrown into the fire when it came to that title. Let’s bring some hidden feelings out into the open. DId you honestly feel you were ready for that world title match?”

“No…” I said. “But I won anyway… though my mother and fighting for her had much to do with that.”

“Don’t discredit yourself. You won because of you and what you were always capable of. Mother or not, you would’ve won anyway. Were you ready for the pressure of being world champion?”

I shook my head.

“Was there a constant, nagging feeling in the back of your mind that ‘something was missing’?”

My eyes widened with shock.

“It’s like you read my mind.”

“Not really. As it turns out, ‘learning on the job’ as you put it has the biggest detriment of learning to be your best self. You won that championship when you hadn’t even hit your peak yet, and you still haven’t by the way, so as a result, you defended that championship when you hadn’t learned everything you had yet to learn about the company, the competition, and especially yourself and where you come from.”

“That makes sense…” I admitted. “While I had the championship, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that ‘something was missing’. I was happy when I won and defended the championship of course, but I just felt like a fish out of water at times. I didn’t ask to have a title shot that soon. I merely just went with my best instinct that I had available to me. I recognize that, but it just sucks that it’s all over…”

“It’s not over… it’s just… on a pause so to speak. You don’t feel this way right now of course, but you’re going to realize that this was the best thing for you in the end because now you’ve got to take the longer road back and next time an opportunity comes your way again, it’s going to feel much more rewarding. You’re going to have far more knowledge and perspective at your disposal and you’re going to be a much stronger, better wrestler… which for the rest of that division, that’s going to be quite scary.”

I looked down at the floor, away from the video for a moment, not really feeling what I was hearing but I knew it was the fresh wound from the night before bumming me out.

“Or the alternative would’ve been winning last night and then having to focus on someone’s unjustly, bizarre obsessive hatred of you which wouldn’t have been good for your mental health…”

“That’s one way to look at it. That title turned me into a different person… for better or worse… to the point of slowly losing myself under all that pressure…”

“Now you can focus on yourself… without all of that. You’ve done wonderful in the big picture and you shouldn’t forget that. Talk again next month?”

I nodded.

“Keep your head up, Julianna…”

The feed cuts, ending the session. For about 10 minutes, I was left alone, thinking about so much, not sure what I was going to do, what was ‘missing’ from my puzzle, or how I was going to find that missing piece.

Into the Void left me with far more questions about myself than answers…

Father’s Day

It was about 10 PM on the worst day of the year for me as I walked into the Sevilla Nightclub back home in San Diego. I was familiar with the place and I knew exactly where I was going. I went to the bar where I found my friends Christy and Ally sitting there talking to each other. They happened to glance in my direction to see me.

“Am I seeing a ghost?” Christy joked.

“Where the hell have you been?” Ally asked sarcastically.

“I deserve that…” I said as they gestured for me to sit with them. I complied and I sat between them. Seeing them again for the first time in months put a guilty feeling in my stomach.

“Ladies, I’m sorry…” I said, the remorse seeping in. “...I got so caught up in my world title reign and everything that I basically put our friendship aside.”

I was nervous as my two friends looked at each other and then back at me all while I was feeling nervous with what their reaction was going to be.

“You were distant, Jules…” Christy reminded me. “But we’re not out of the loop with what’s been going on with you considering we’ve been talking to your mother just to see if you were fine.”

“Yeah, I figured that…”

“The truth is, we should be mad at you…” Ally added. “But it’s cool. We get it. This isn’t the first time that you’ve gotten so caught up in the bright lights. I’m sorry about last Sunday…”

“We were rooting for you and before you say it, no, you didn’t let us down. As a matter of fact, we’re happy for you. It’s one thing to hear about how much you’ve grown up but it’s nice to see it too. You may not have the world title, but your mom was telling us that you two have grown closer lately…”

“We have…” I said as I placed down my debit card on the bar. “I’ll take a daiquiri… lightest one you got…”

“That’s so cool that you and your mom have such a growing relationship…” Ally said. “Speaking of relationships…”

“Yeah, you and Liam… holy shit! We’re not shocked at all! We’re just surprised it didn’t happen much sooner.”

“My father would’ve never approved of him…” I said as the bartender brought me my drink and my card, which I put back in my purse. “...but…yeah… I…. I guess it’s not so bad….”

A bitter anger was pouring through me.

“I mean… I only lost to Kayla again, I don’t know what to do with myself in SCW anymore, I feel fucking DEMOTED with the damn Internet title being dangled in front of my face in a fucked up handicap match… and it’s my least favorite fucking holiday of the year….”

“Jules… hey…” Christy was quick to grab my hand to calm me down. “It’s going to be okay. Please, take your mind off of the wrestling right now. I understand that you’re learning how to separate your career from yourself and that it’s a process but you’re going to be alright.”

“Not when I’m being used as a henchwoman with the promise of a lesser title than what I had being dangled in front of me…”

“It’s not worth being upset about Julianna…” Ally assured me. “Think about what you have right now, you know like your mom… and Liam…”

“If it were me, I’d rather have those two things over a world championship. You can win another world championship, but you’re never going to have another mother. I suppose technically you can have another boyfriend…”

“Personally Christy, I don’t think she’ll find anyone better than Liam so I wouldn’t entertain that. Jules, hey… we totally get that you’re in a bad place and we definitely get why. But, we’re here for you. We always have been. We’ve been your ride and dies for how long now? You’ve got great things happening for you in your career despite what just happened in SCW, alright?”

I was starting to at least calm down now.

“Put the wrestling stuff away and don’t even worry about that stupid match…” Christy added. “...or at least don’t worry about it until tomorrow. Tonight? Have a drink with us, have a girls night out like the old days and just don’t think about SCW, okay?”

I took another sip of my drink.

“Okay…” I said with a sigh. “...for tonight? I put all of that away. Right now, the fact that you both forgave me for being so distant is enough for me.”

My best friends praised me for this and we had a quick toast. I felt a little more whole catching up with them again after losing sight of things for a while but I also knew that this was a temporary thing just to get through all the feelings that have been bogging me down.

The healing from Into the Void had officially started…

June 18th

With the tour over, my “weekly dinners” at my mother’s were back on as scheduled. I was quietly sitting on the couch, longingly watching back that second match with Kayla, still trying to sift through the emptiness that was fading, but still there. I was obsessively rewinding and fast-forwarding trying to nitpick any little flaw of my own game I could find and before long, my mother walked toward the outlet and unplugged the television.

“Let it go, honey…” she told me as she came down to sit on the couch with me. “...you’ve gotten just about what you can get out of it.”

All I could do was sigh at this point.

“Remember what we talked about: the outcome isn’t going to define you at all. Now, I get that you’re not such a fan of what’s coming up and I know you’re not the biggest fan of ‘settling’ for another title. But you wouldn’t be settling. It’s a longer road back to where you want to be again than you wanted, but you will get there. You’re in one of those ‘smell the roses’ phases right now. Though, I do admit seeing that result did pain me…”

“I’m sorry mother…” I said, feeling regretful over what I just heard.

“I should be the one apologizing…” my mother confessed. “I didn’t help you enough to win that match and that’s on me.”

“Don’t blame yourself, for god’s sake. I appreciate that you’ve always been responsible but don’t say that. As you once told me, you can do everything in the book and cover every base that you can leading up to any match and it still doesn’t go your way. I hate to say it, but that was one of those matches. Those mental exercises were a great help, I’m not going to lie. It really was eye opening and I’m starting to see the bigger picture a little more clearly.”

“I’m glad that I could help, even if that didn’t go how we wanted.”

“Truth be told, the best part about this… and I’m referring to my entire career in SCW up to this point and not just the world title… is the fact that we’ve gotten closer and I really do appreciate what you’ve been able to do for me for nearly the last year more than I can put into words.”

My mother smiled and I knew how much this meant to her.

“I did everything I could to help you push through so many things. I know that your world title reign, and more so the fact that you were in that picture so fast, put a burden on you. I HIGHLY doubt this is a case for someone that’s accomplished as much as you have, but if you ever need me for anything… oh who am I kidding, I don’t think there’s anything else I can do for you unfortunately.”

My mother began to stand up, but I gently grabbed her by the arm, resulting in her sitting back down.

“Actually, I DO need you!”

My mother’s eyes widened with shock.

“Something is missing. I know I’ve done all these amazing things in SCW, but the truth is, I’m not whole as a wrestler yet. I’m not whole as a person. All I’ve ever been trained on is my father’s way of doing things in the ring and of course, with the abuse he put me through, I’ve wrestled most of my career as a shattered woman. But what you did for me in Hawaii… with how I cleared out the clutter in my mind and all? I felt that. It was different and I feel like that’s what I need more of to be better. I need to know more, mother…

…about you, your wrestling career, your life in Germany, how you were trained, how you wrestled, all of that. I’ve never seen any tapes of your career. I feel like if I know more about you, the culture you grow up in, what you were unable to pass down to me because of my father’s interference, that I can grow, get better, be at the best that I can be. That’s what’s missing, mother. I know it’s been five years, but if you can show me what you know in that ring…”

“You want me to train you? I’ve added five years and lost a kidney since the last time I did any training with anyone…”

“I understand. You don’t have to…”

“But I’ll do it…” my mother said, stunning me. “You’re the only person I would do this for, you know that, right?”

I nodded.

“I agree with everything you said. It’s exactly what you need. I’ve been out of it for years, so I need a little bit to get back into ring shape, alright?”

“I understand…”

My mother and I exchanged a warm embrace at that point.

“Listen, you’re doing amazing…” my mother reassured me. “You’re going to pull through this. You’ve overcome harsher adversities than this and if you can do what you’ve done in SCW without being ‘whole’, then God, I can only imagine how you’re going to be when all the pieces come together.”

We broke our embrace at that point.

“Thank you…” I said to her as she got up and went back into the kitchen.

I wasn’t sure how, but now I knew things were about to become even better than before…

June 21

Downtown Denver. I didn’t try to do anything too fancy in regards to my location as I stayed behind in my hotel. Into the Void has essentially passed at this point, but I still had a prevalent anger in me that was stemming from the situation that I found myself in this Sunday.  There was only one outlet I could let that anger on and I wasn’t feeling bad about the fact that it wasn’t the fault of said outlet…

“I’ll start off by saying this…

This entire situation fucking SUCKS! I’m not talking about Into the Void and being out of the world title picture. I’m not talking about having to take the long road back to get there. I can manage that. I have overcome much worse adversity over my career considering that when I first broke out, I was a joke that everyone loved to laugh at and was never taken seriously. The situation that SUCKS is what is happening on Sunday with having to team up with Alexandra Calaway to face Harper Mason in a handicap match. You’d think with our history, I’d be mad with teaming up with Alexandra, but it’s not that.

Hell, it’s not even the idea of ‘moving down’... and I use that term sarcastically by the way… to the Internet Championship. If there is one woman that can dethrone Tempest for the Internet Championship, it’s me and I see that as a goal well worth chasing. But to be USED as a fucking PAWN in someone else’s fucking game? THAT’S what sucks! I don’t give a shit about Victoria’s little petty grudge that she has going on with Harper. I don’t fucking care that she wants to make her life miserable. This is NOT something I want to be dragged into and I REFUSE to be a henchwoman. I’m better than that! I’ve proven that I am fucking better than that, but unfortunately for you, Harper, the cards were dealt the way that they are and this is one of those matches where attitude determines everything.

And of course with YOU, instead of trying to take on the adversity, you choose to throw a damn tantrum on Twitter, you choose to have a bad attitude about it. You talk about how things suck, or whatnot. I mean, I’d hate to be in your situation, but it’s how you handle it, Harper. Of course, this isn’t the first time you’ve handled a big challenge or a brutal situation against you badly. It wasn’t that long ago when you faced Kayla Richards, am I right? The first mistake was acknowledging that you were the underdog. I personally feel like that’s a stupid idea. The outcome didn’t go the way I wanted to, but when I faced Kayla both times, I never saw myself like that. I know other people saw it like that, but I never fucking did. I never bitched about my situation. You on the other hand? You just like to drown yourself in this mental complex of how everything is so fucking difficult and how you’re the victim one moment and the next you’re acting like this cocky shit that acts like she’s got everything figured out…

CLEARLY, Harper… you don’t…

Not when you’re boasting about facing the likes of Sam Marlowe, Crystal Hilton… and all these other over the hill bitches…

Hell, if you’re not doing that, you’re mentioning the same old shit in your promo…

How you’re a rookie, how you know some form of martial arts, how you were trained by Team Hero, how you were a high school wrestling standout…

So? Tell me the biggest win of your career in SCW so far and I’ll be honest with you… whatever match you mention, I honestly wouldn’t remember it. You’ve got this whole “Slaytanic Avenger” thing going on with you and you act like being a carbon copy diet version of your trainers is going to get you anywhere but trust me, Harper… as someone who originally started as a diet version of my dad when I first started… it won’t fucking work. Neither is going into a big match the way you did with Kayla admitting that beating her would be a miracle and that you have no aspirations to be a world champion right now. I get that you’re young and trying to find your way, but there are two golden rules that you broke there…

One… you NEVER… EVER count yourself out of ANY match. PERIOD! Saying that beating Kayla would’ve been a miracle? Calling it an upset? You fucked yourself before the match started and I swear to god idiots like Ariana do the exact same shit.

Look at my match with Courtney at High Stakes last year. People were calling it an upset before and after the fact. Did I EVER go into that match thinking that I was going to pull a miracle or an upset? FUCK NO! I went into that match BELIEVING that I was going to win and that’s exactly what I did. Even earlier than High Stakes, when I faced Roxi in just my third match in. Shoot, people thought I was about to eat a whole bunch of shit and that I stood no chance because it’s Roxi. I didn’t listen to that shit. I didn’t give in. I exploited her weaknesses, I brought them out to the forefront, I mentally took her out of her fucking game, and I beat her ass and rather than eat shit and accept defeat, she was trying to bully me into a rematch.

You know… like how you’ve been bitching and begging to get a rematch with Bea Barnhart…

Like teacher, like student, right?

I mean I know my father was a fucking asshole, but I’d still rather be trained by him then be trained by someone like that self-absorbed, two-faced hypocrite.

And for the second golden rule… if you’re not in this business to be a world champion, then what the fuck are you doing here?
 
I shouldn’t be surprised. This defeatist attitude of yours makes you feel like you’re incapable of being world champion. Currently? You are… in spades. You’re bitching about Kayla being arrogant, but look in the god damn mirror. Vlog after vlog after vlog of you clearly showing that you don’t even have any goals, don’t even have any real aspirations besides the basic ‘do my best and hope for the best’. Shoot, it’s no wonder Victoria won that Queen of the Day match and not you… especially when there you went again relying on a miracle and not whatever abilities you have in you…

OBVIOUSLY you’re going to come into this match thinking that you’re going to need a miracle too, right?”

At this point, I was pretty annoyed with Harper that I paused and rolled my eyes.

“I came into this company, on a career low. My career’s momentum was at the bottom, honestly. Nothing was going my way. Yet, I won that world championship at High Stakes in just my sixth match. In theory, that’s a miracle right?

HELL NO!

I ALWAYS had it in me! I had it in me to pull off what I did with the World Championship, holding onto it for six months, maintaining an undefeated streak during that entire time. Others may have called it a miracle, but NOT ME… and I’M the only one that fucking matters in that. I could’ve cracked long before I did.

I didn’t.

I could’ve collapsed after Into the Void and decided to pull a Courtney Pierce.

I didn’t.

So what’s going to happen, starting with you… as much as I don’t LIKE the circumstances here… is that I’m EMBRACING the long road back to get to where I was before ESPECIALLY since the truth of the matter is, I pulled off everything that I did with the world championship when I wasn’t even at my absolute BEST as a professional wrestler. Don’t get me wrong, you have to be THAT fucking good just to even pull off what I did, but the fact that I haven’t even peaked as a whole yet? Not even close? That tells me what I need to know. It proves that I’m a strong fucking woman. You don’t have to like me or even respect me but even the biggest fucking hater with a brain can look at what I’ve done in the context I am putting it in right now and admit that I’m strong as fucking hell.

Even KAYLA would admit that now…

So imagine, Harper, if I pulled off what I did when I haven’t even hit peak form yet, just imagine how fucking dominant and scary I am going to be when I DO hit peak form. You know why I bucked the trend for as long as I did, Harper?

Because of my attitude, that’s why: NEVER went into a match feeling defeated, or feeling like I needed to pull a miracle, or that bullshit, underdog ‘upset’ garbage. I manifested my own destiny in this company and the ability to manifest your own destiny, Harper… THAT is THE biggest fucking thing that you lack and that is THE one thing that is going to hold you back from ever accomplishing anything significant in this business. Should you ever hit a point where you discover how to manifest your own destiny instead of having this attitude that… I admit, I once had myself… your path is already set before you because of everyone else’s expectations… then you WILL get through whatever fucking ceiling that you want to break.

I HATE to admit that I empathize with you a little because when I was closer to your age nearly a decade ago, I carried that same, hopeless, “woe is me”, negative attitude.

And I would always question WHY I’d never break through and accomplish what I wanted…

So I GET that feeling… and it SUCKS when it’s your biggest weakness as it once was mine.

I don’t see you overcoming that attitude anytime soon and if you ever do, you’re certainly not going to overcome it by Sunday because it took me YEARS to master the change in mindset I’ve been working on… and I didn’t technically come CLOSE to mastering a different attitude than yours until I signed here.

It’s funny because… you know… I can be like Courtney and see this as a demotion… look at where ATTITUDE got her, Harper and tell me you want to be like her.

You’re on that path the way you act with your constant anger and doom and gloom when the odds seemingly get stacked against you.

But no… it’s a new beginning for me. That’s how I’m looking at it. I’m a prideful bitch and I’ve had to swallow so much shit the last two weeks but I’ll show SCW that I’m only just getting started at the end of the day.

I could’ve been like SO many other Bombshells that have lost a world championship and fallen out of the picture: quit… or be a half-ass, lack of passion, hanger on the way Sam Marlowe has been for years. I could’ve gone ‘what’s the point? I’ll never get back there again’.

But no… I’ve far and long outgrown that mindset because when it comes to challenges, adversity, the long road, pulling yourself up from the gutter and all of that? When it comes to facing long odds and a stacked deck against you?

I’m THANKFULLY not you…

I don’t buckle at adversity, I make it my bitch. I don’t care about the long odds because in my mind? They don’t fucking exist to me. I don’t crumble at a stacked deck… especially since I was thrown into the fire of the World title picture only six matches in… a hypothetical stacked deck situation… and I fucking survived AND thrived in it.

You’ve got a fucking long way to go before you can even call yourself a complete, tried and true professional wrestler. So go ahead and be angry, whine about how your situation sucks.

I could’ve done the same. I could’ve done something REALLY stupid like not show up on Sunday, quit the company in protest, or not even partake in the match at all… but nope… because I’m not YOU!

WHEN you lose on Sunday Harper…

It’s not because of the two on one odds against you.

It’s not primarily because Alexandria and I are fucking better wrestlers than you and we both know it… though that will be A factor…

It’s because, with your little temper tantrum, your defeatist attitude in general, your inane ability to make the smallest pebble look like Mt. Kilimanjaro, the way you’re going into this match openly saying your situation sucks and this is going to be horrible for you or anything close to that as a whole…

You’ve basically manifested your defeat before the bell even rang.

Not like that’s anything new for you considering you’re always trying so hard to pray for miracles and act like almost every win is an “upset”...

See you soon, Tempest…”

I rolled my eyes and shut off the camera. Some anger was still burning through me, but I knew that despite my anger at the situation Victoria Lyons put me in, I had to have the best attitude possible… UNLIKE Harper… and take advantage of the big picture in front of me.

Sunday was going to be the real start of my ‘long road back’...

And whereas someone like Harper would bitch and cry about it if she were in my shoes?

I’m ready to travel that long fucking road…

April 15, 2024

The morning after…

This is the third time I’ve been through this. The previous two times that I lost a world championship, I didn’t handle it well. The night before was filled with numbness that carried over to this day. I kept to myself through the night and through this day so far. It was a long, three hour charter bus back to Phoenix before jumping on a plane and going back to San Diego.

Sadly, for all I’ve learned during my time in SCW, old habits were hard to break.

Like I did the previous two times I lost a world championship, I was scrolling through social media wondering if anyone was celebrating a new champion or celebrating my “downfall”. I was surprised to see that aside from Kayla’s boasting, social media was mostly calm about the night before.

Then came part two of the “old habit…”

Sitting in a space… alone… imagining what my father would say and even wondering if he was laughing at me from hell.

I would be shocked to discover that I couldn’t even give my father the time of day.

Something felt different about this time and as I laid my phone on my lap on the back of the bus, it was hitting me.

“What if this time is different?” I asked myself. “What if nobody is laughing at me or celebrating my failure? That’s the way it always is, right? Where’s my dad to tell me how much of a miserable failure I am?”

I was in self-defense mode, almost expecting it. I felt a buzz from my phone and I was quick to glance at it. It was a message, from Myra Rivers of all people, telling me “you had a hell of a title reign, still one more than I did in SCW.”

I was taken aback by the praise. Myra and I are nowhere near friends and we’ve never worked for the same company. One of her proteges, Chelsea LeClair, was someone I was close to and I was surprised to see she messaged me not feeling sorry for me, but telling me that the best was yet to come. I dug through my messages… and my heart seemed frozen with shock seeing nothing but positivity…

“You have nothing to be ashamed of…” Christy sent me.

“Nobody in SCW will ever pull off what you just did ever again…” Ally reminded me.

“I know it hurts, but I know you are incredibly strong and you will push through this…” Liam reassured me.

“I’ve never been more proud to call you my daughter…” my mother wrote me. “You are not going to beat yourself up over this. You are amazing. You are strong. You will push through this better than ever because that’s what you’re made of. I am not ashamed of you at all and I can’t wait to see what you do in the future knowing you’ve finally beaten those demons your father planted in you…”

That’s the message that did it.

That’s when I knew that things were different this time. Reading the outpouring of love from my mother all the way to people I barely knew like Myra certainly felt like freedom. Going through a few wrestling sites and seeing that I wasn’t being trashed at all for losing the title, or mocked for my reign, or any of the negativity that I was used to warmed my heart so much that I couldn’t help it anymore.

I couldn’t stop crying for at least 20 minutes after that.

I wasn’t crying because I lost the world title, but because for the first time in forever, if not the first time in my life, I finally knew what it was like for people to be there for me in a moment where I was at my most vulnerable.

“It hurts…” I admitted through my own tears, still feeling the sting in my soul of finally having that “1” in the SCW loss column. In this moment, I knew that how things were going to go were going to be determined by my next sentence. I could give up and quit… as I had done the last two times I lost a world title…

Or I could really prove to myself more than anyone that things were going to be different…

“...but I am not defeated…” I said as I wiped away my own tears.

I knew that it was going to take some time for that fire to come back. But as the bus sped on to Phoenix, I knew that I was going to be okay.

And in this vulnerable moment, dwelling in the sting of defeat?

That’s all I needed.

April 17

I was at dinner with my mother, but up until now, we didn’t talk about Blaze of Glory. I didn’t want to talk about it. I felt like it was too soon. In fact, I didn’t pay much attention to the conversations we were having because I was digging through social media still expecting someone to attack me. I was expecting my ex to dance on the grave of my reign. I was expecting Kayla to run up the score, or Seleana to celebrate, or Krystal to go “LOL NEW CHAMPION”, or even Courtney to come out of the woodwork and say “She was always a nobody LOL”.

But none of that was happening.

Two hours in, my mother sat next to me and suddenly snatched my phone away. She’d been down this road with me twice.

She knew exactly why I was into my phone so much.

I just scoffed with surprise at what she just did.

“They’re not going to trash you, honey…” my mother said.

“Surprisingly…”

“It’s not healthy to worry about what people are saying about you. All it’s been is Kayla being a boisterous bitch and Minka trying to pour salt in the wound. Other than that…”

“Mom…” I said with a sigh. “...it still fucking hurts…”

“We’re finally going to talk about it?” my mother said, almost with amusement.

“I wanted it so badly…” I said, as I sullenly looked down on the table. “I wanted to put the icing on the cake of that title reign. I had it, mother. Everything that I could’ve ever wanted was right there. I had the supercard main event I was striving for. All I had to do was win and the puzzle would be complete. I’m not going to lie to you… and I’m NEVER going to say this on camera… that missing piece of the puzzle is haunting me right now.”

My mother moved a little closer to me.

“This one hits different…” I continued. “This was ‘our’ title remember? I can only remember the joy I felt in my heart when I won it for you right when you had your kidney removal and all. I know that it’s because of what my father drilled into me, but I really feel like a piece of shit of a daughter right now… because I lost OUR title…”

My mother wrapped an arm around me at this point.

“Honey, you’re not a ‘piece of shit daughter’, okay? It was bound to happen eventually.”

“Yeah, but to HER of all people? Someone that I met at that TERRIBLE first company I wrestled for? THAT… you know what… that’s not even important…”

“There you go…” my mother reassured me. “See? You can’t allow yourself to be defined by your setbacks or whatever it is you went through. I know you may not believe it just yet, but you have grown so much stronger since you started wrestling in SCW. The best is yet to come for you, sweetheart. This really is the best time for you to take a step back and to find yourself further especially since you’re about to go on a tour. Learn to remember that Julianna the person is not defined by what happens to Julianna the wrestler. You’re starting to get it, and I’m proud of you. Now, go experience the world will you?”

“Sure mother…” I said with a sigh as she gave me my phone back.

I knew in my heart she was right.

But I still had so much hurt and bitterness to sift through as a result of that loss…

April 23

Nine days after the gut punch of the title loss…

I was starting to feel normal again as I was coming out of the gym. By then, I wasn’t obsessing over my phone seeing if anyone else was talking trash about me. That familiar fire was coming back and as I walked toward my car, I heard a sarcastic clap from nearby.

“BRAVO…” I heard coming from the distance as I immediately felt anger pour through me. “...what a fucking CHOKEJOB you pulled 9 days ago…”

Minka Valeria, my ex-girlfriend, was literally the last person I wanted to see. But there she was, right in front of me.

“What a joke of a title reign you just finished up. All of that bravado and all of that begging and whining for a supercard main event and you fucking choke? It just goes to show you that you lost your edge when you decided to dump me. Sorry Jules, but I’m basking in the glow of all of it! I LOVE seeing you fail! It’s KARMA for dumping me! You deserve EVERY ounce of pain you’ve dealt with since you lost that title.”

“Are you done?” I said to her defiantly.

“You are one of the WORST World Champions SCW has ever had. You built up a reign beating joke after joke when the joke all along was you. You finally stepped up and you BLEW IT! You know, maybe if… you just… continued to ignore Kayla, you’d still be champion? I mean… that was SO RICH! You got tired of her talking shit about you so you decided to call her out and….”

Minka was cackling at this point and not since my own father did I want to punch someone so hard.

“...you fell for her stupid little game and it cost you the title! MAN, I bet you feel REALLY STUPID now! I bet you haven’t felt this stupid since…”

“When I dated you?” I said, having had enough of her shit. Minka rolled her eyes with amusement.

“I was the best you ever had, Jules. We could’ve taken over the wrestling world many times over. You and I should’ve been THE power couple of SCW. We both had that contract offer and I was ready to do it until YOU decided to go back to MAINSTREAM instead. Then YOU had to dump me because YOU couldn’t handle a real woman…”

“Sexually harassing and objectifying your girlfriend on Twitter isn’t what a real woman does, Minka.”

“You’re NOTHING without me, Jules! Just admit that.”

NOW I was pissed off.

“This whole SCW thing was a fluke and Kayla exposed you and oh my GOD, the sex I had with my new girlfriend while your title loss was playing in the background…”

“What’s it like being her cuck, Minka?”

“Excuse me?”

“I want you to listen to this part VERY closely! I don’t give two fucks about what you think because what you think is nothing but a bunch of shit! When we were together, you were POISON! My career was in the mud! I didn’t accomplish SHIT being with you and suddenly, I find myself and reach the pinnacle of my game so far AFTER I dumped you? That’s not a coincidence! You never gave a shit about me. I was just your sex toy. Well I’m NOT your sex toy and I am especially not someone you can use and play around with anymore! FUCK that and FUCK you! Now do yourself a favor and get the FUCK out of my face! I’m NOT tolerating bullshit from people like YOU anymore! So get the FUCK away from me!”

Minka wanted to say something else, but ultimately, with the anger on her face, she flipped me off and decided to turn and walk away.

Suddenly, I was feeling a hell of a lot better knowing I was able to push away someone that was reveling in my defeat without so much a thought.

April 25

I was still going through my ‘processing’ phase, but after I told off my ex, I knew that I was going to be alright. I was standing in the water on a bright, beautiful day at Point Loma beach, taking in nature and just keeping myself calm. Nature, at this moment, was my therapy. I could see my reflection in the water clear as day and I was beginning to enjoy the feeling of experiencing something other than shame whenever I saw it.

“I’ve learned so much about myself since the first match that I had in SCW…” I thought to myself. “In a way, I always figured that I was a ‘good wrestler’, but I never would’ve imagined that I would pull off what I did. Others in the company or the business might say differently, but I’m not that same woman that I was prior to coming to SCW that allowed their criticisms of me to get to me so much. Although… it sickens me to admit that Minka was right about one thing…”

Cue a brief moment of bitterness on my part…

“...I fell right into Kayla’s trap when I wanted to silence her…”

Even with this realization, I wasn’t so much burdened by it.

“But sooner or later, we were going to cross paths anyway. I have no regrets getting after it and doing what I had to do to get the supercard main event that I wanted. In fact, I don’t even regret the outcome even though it sucked as much as it did. I know what I am as a professional wrestler now. I’ve gained so many perspectives since I came to the company. I’ve finally learned how to quit being ‘daddy’s victim’ and to be my own woman at last. It’s a hell of a feeling. To overcome the adversity that I did throughout my upbringing, through the abuse my father put me through in training, and the horrible roller coaster that was my pre-SCW career to go 14 matches undefeated, winning the world title at High Stakes and holding the damn thing for 6 months? Even if there were things that could’ve gone better for me, like my first two defenses for instance, I can’t be ashamed of that.

But there’s this burning, nagging feeling in my heart that knows I can do even BETTER than that…

And that’s what I am going to strive to do.

I look at my reflection in the water, and I’m finally realizing how special of a young lady the person looking back at me is…”

I took a sigh and breathed in the sea air for a bit before I came out of the water and onto the sand where Liam, who came with me, was waiting for me. We embraced, but I was definitely feeling some regret.

“Traveling the world is going to be great… but doing so alone? Not so much…”

Liam just laughed at this.

“Don’t worry about that. I will say that what I’ve seen from you since you lost the title, how you’ve pushed through and stayed strong… I’m loving every second of it and I’m seeing what you can truly be capable of and I will be part of your journey any way I can.”

“That’s SO sweet…” I said with a laugh and an eye roll. “You’ll continue to see it, I promise.”

“Do me a favor while you’re on the tour?”

“Yeah?”

“Win that title back….”

“You’re damn right I’m going to win it back….”

The kiss we exchanged might as well have sealed the ‘healing process’ from what would normally be an ultra devastating, confidence shattering loss. But things WERE different now. I’ve become much too strong to be a victim like I was the previous two times I lost a world title.

The way I was able to fight through the pain and the heartbreak showed me that my mother is right…

The best IS yet to come…

May 10, 2024

Here I was in France, largely carrying some anger toward Kayla Richards but with the camera on me, I knew I had to be composed and calm at this point. I remembered the last time I faced Seleana Zdunich and how angry I was that I even had to deal with her and more importantly, defend the SCW Bombshells World Championship against her. I wasn’t ashamed of the mindset I was in then, but at the same time, I knew that I was going to approach things differently. That angry fire that slowly came back to me in recent weeks after Blaze of Glory was back… and it was about to make Seleana its first victim.

“It feels like de ja vu all over again, huh Seleana?

Let’s get the elephant in the room out of the way. I’m not the world champion anymore like I was when I defended the title against you and on that subject? Sure, there may be a couple of things about my title reign that I wish were different or better or whatever, but I have no shame in it. I’m not going to go around carrying regrets because regrets are for LOSERS! The kind of wrestler that I’ve become recently is the one that learns from her mistakes and do whatever she needs to do to be better and to get back the throne that she just lost! You think you’re going to come into this match hoping to catch me off guard because I got Kayla in my sights? Yeah, forget that. Oh wait, but you think you get to catch me in an off night because I’m SO DOWNTRODDEN over losing the title at Blaze of Glory.

Yeah, fuck that too. Enough time has passed between then and now to the point where I’ve licked my wounds, learned what I needed to learn and move forward and I have no regret at all in saying that you’re going to be an EXAMPLE! Your purpose in this match for me is for me to show the world what separates a winner like me from someone like you. You see, Seleana… you probably thought that I would’ve been on this downward spiral over losing the title. I get it. It happens. People that go on the streaks that I was on, once they suffer their first loss in this company, generally go down the drain real fast. Some recover, but others? Not so much.

You SHOULD understand that, right?

I mean… you ARE a former SCW Bombshells World Champion…

For all of like… 14 days…

We both know what it’s like to lose that title… but don’t mistake that for me having empathy for you because I don’t. The fact of the matter is, ever since you lost that championship, you have failed to demonstrate any capability of being able to bounce back and be stronger and better than ever.

‘But Julianna… I won the Roulette Championship and held it for a few months after all that…’ you’ll say… probably in Swedish, hiding behind your language as you always do.

And? You want to use that as an example of resiliency from the heartbreak that you suffered from only being a world champion for 14 days? There’s a reason why that championship is generally considered to be the third tier championship, Seleana. The Roulette Championship is more or less the ‘rookie’ championship, the ‘newcomer’ championship, the title that you win when you’re not good enough to win or contend fo the world or the Internet Championship if you don’t qualify as a newcomer. Now Seleana, when I first got here, I was more than willing to win that title but now that I’ve been on a higher mountain than that I can proudly say that it’s not a title that I need to be winning at this point. Otherwise? I’d be doing what YOU did: run away from the main event picture and stoop low enough to competition that you could actually beat. I mean, who’d you beat for the title? Candy? PLEASE! You went for that title because you did what I’d NEVER do and that’s SURRENDER…

You bent the knee…

You gave up…

You quit chasing the title that you had for fourteen days because you knew that you weren’t good enough to be at that level and you never were. What you have shown in this company ever since that brief moment on top of the world, especially since you lost the Roulette Championship, is further proof of that. You did what a lot of the ‘dominant champions’ did and that’s give up without ever so much saying it. You backed off and decided to stay in a different lane knowing it was safe there… just like Andrea Hernandez did… TWICE… when she lost the world championship and eventually settled for the Internet title… and when she packed her bags and quit after she lost that title and her 18 match winning streak or however long it was.

You did what Krystal Wolfe did after HER Roulette title reign ended and that’s be stuck in a never ending loop of mediocrity and complacency that makes you one of the most historical losers of this division at the moment. You have shown NONE of the resiliency that makes a true world champion that I am about to show when I bounce back and beat you on Sunday because believe me… I’m PISSED… I’m on a fucking mission. I don’t give a fuck about who I have to run through between now and Into the Void, Seleana, and if I put someone on the shelf or end someone’s career, TOO BAD! I’m doing what I need to do in order to make it clear as fucking day that I am NOT going to be another Krystal, another Andrea, another fly by night bitch like Ruby Steele who was carried to a Blast from the Past win and did nothing with it or like Georgie Robertson who got ONE win, which happened to be that stupid Golden Briefcase, and has done virtually nothing ever since.

And I’m STILL bitter about that shit that she pulled when I faced the other two champions in the triple threat not that long ago. It’s been a little too long since my last win for my liking, Seleana. But that’s fine. I’m about to make sure that elusive 14th win happens. I am NOT someone like you: having a moment of glory in the sun and then just giving up and dogging it once that moment in the sun fades away. Ironically, as much as I hate to admit it, I USED to be before I came here. I USED to have a horrible attitude regarding losing a world title…

I lost my first one to a piece of shit that retired and I took it as my whole reign meaning nothing but serving to be someone else’s ‘last moment of glory’... and my career took a hit for a while… I even QUIT the company I was that world champion in…

I lost my second one and everyone in that particular company treated me like I was “over” and “done” and all the fans moved on to the new champion like my contributions meant nothing… and my career was more or less in the dumps until I basically came here.

So trust me, I KNOW what it’s like to be YOU after a World Championship loss: someone that’s a quitter in spirit, someone that settles for less, someone that has no initiative to strive to be better than before and just goes around in circles hoping to catch ONE lucky break…

But NOT ANYMORE…

I am NOT that same old Julianna…

I am especially NOT YOU!

I COULD’VE BEEN, but the fact that I came here and accomplished what I have PROVES that I can overcome even the most heartbreaking of losses and the worst of the adversity one can ever wish or manifest upon me and KNOWING my potential now means I can NEVER look back and even better, NEVER regress to being SOMEONE LIKE YOU all over again! Blaze of Glory is NOT going to define me and it’s NOT going to be the final chapter of the book that is very much still in progress, Seleana! I have the fight that you have lacked for years. It’s fucking shocking that you’re not French considering how EASILY you gave up once your pathetic 14 day title reign ended.

I’m NOT going to fall back on old patterns like I did before.

You’re NOT going to catch lightning in a bottle the way you did with Krystal Wolfe last week. I mean for real… if you think that win is going to light a spark in you then… no…

Absolutely not…

The thing is, Krystal completely dogged it when she wrestled you. I’m sure you heard her promo where all she did was whine and bitch about facing you again after she had beaten you every time you faced each other previously. She had no heart or desire to even wrestle that match against you and that’s literally the only reason why you won last week.  It just goes to show you that the only women you can beat in this division anymore are those that gave up just as hard, if not harder, on themselves as you did. You’re not going to catch me sleeping or catch me dogging it like she did. FUCK NO! I’m not falling for the trap. I’m not going to be on the wrong end of an embarrassing upset. The only way you even stand a CHANCE at beating me when I’m in the mindset that I am in right now is if by some miracle, you pull the old Seleana out of your ass, the one that main evented High Stakes against Alicia Lukas and was a world title contender a long, LONG time ago…

And considering we haven’t seen that Seleana in so long, I don’t have a reason to even FEAR that possibility even if I DO have to treat you like that wrestler because I’m not going to be caught off guard against the likes of you.

Hell, even if you DO pull that Seleana out of your ass, it STILL won’t be good enough to beat me. I’m sure people in the back have been talking over the last few weeks and I’m sure the word around the back is that what happened at Blaze of Glory was ‘the end’ for me…”

I paused and completely scoffed at the idea.

“But like I’ve been saying for weeks, Blaze of Glory wasn’t ‘the end’, it was the beginning. I may have lost the championship, Seleana. But the fact of the matter is, there is a HUGE difference between losing and being defeated and when I beat you again, that’s exactly what I am going to prove. I am the epitome of someone that lost, but is still a champion in the making… someone who isn’t defeated because they refuse to stay down and they refuse to allow adversity to define their legacy in such a negative fashion. YOU, of course, are the epitome of being defeated. You’ve been defeated for years, Seleana. I think I’ve elaborated enough on that by now. If you were to retire on Sunday, you might be remembered as a ‘former world champion’, but we all know that your legacy is being someone else’s wife and a flash in the pan.

But I’m still in the early stages of my legacy here, Seleana…

I’ve got a hell of a long way to go.

I said that Blaze of Glory was the beginning, and that’s exactly what it is. Truth be told, Sin City Wrestling hasn’t even seen the absolute BEST of Julianna DiMaria yet. What I accomplished between my debut and Blaze of Glory was a mere appetizer for what’s to come in the long term. It’s the sign of someone that is one of the best prodigies this division is going to see for a long time… not of someone that is a flash in the pan and goes ‘poof’ once they get exposed or once they get bored. Fitting that it starts with you…

Because even though I’ve taken my shots at Kayla these last two weeks…

Even though I’ve unleashed some anger…

Even though I’ve begun to climb back up the hill….

This division hasn’t seen the growth that I am about to display when I make that example out of you.

When I do that, Seleana?

This entire company, this entire division, is going to begin to see it…

They’re going to recognize real quick that I’m not going away…

My war with Kayla is far from over, Seleana…

And I’m damn sure not sorry that I’m about to make you a casualty of it…

With that vigor burning in me, I shut off the camera and really start to focus on not just the battle that’s ahead of me on Sunday, but the journey over the long term that’s about to begin.

It’s going to take a hell of a lot more than losing the SCW Bombshells World Championship to break me to pieces…