April 8th

“This is starting to become concerning…”

Dr. Montgomery’s words spook me a bit as I find myself in his office again.

“You had been holding up quite well for a good while but you’ve been seeing me for therapy sessions more times during your world championship reign than the 12 months leading up to that put together…”

I sigh, feeling a bit ashamed of the fact.

“There’s nothing wrong with that, but it makes me worried about you.”

“I admit, I’ve had a difficult time getting that incident out of my head… when I was blindsided by that nobody who shouldn’t even have the briefcase she does. It’s been difficult to move past the fact that someone like HER outsmarted me, even for a moment.”

Dr. Montgomery shakes his head upon hearing this from me.

“Ever since you’ve won your title, I’ve observed, through your promotional work and through face to face interactions like now, that you have experienced increased agitation, a decrease in patience, constantly worrying about others opinions of you and a relapse back to the tendency to flip a switch whenever the slightest thing doesn’t go your way. You’ve always had these traits and you had them under control, but since winning the title…”

The shame was filling my stomach at this point.

“In my professional opinion, Julianna, maybe it’s best that you don’t have that title anymore…”

My jaw dropped in shock upon hearing this.

“So you’re saying I should just hand Kayla the title and leave?”

“No. I think you would be much happier and healthier without the title than you’ve ever been with it. I feel like having the title is what is causing these triggers in you that ultimately create these concerning behaviors and being rushed into the title picture as you were doesn’t help at all.”

“Doctor, you’re not a wrestler. You’ve never been involved with the sport. It’s not me holding the championship that’s the problem. It’s everyone else trying to drag me down to their level… Kayla with her potshots, Seleana with her gross obsession over me, Courtney and her shit…”

“You understand that with the title that you have, you have a target on your back. With all of the mini-episodes you’ve told me about behind the scenes, I’m shocked that you haven’t flipped out on camera by now in front of that worldwide audience. During your time as champion, you haven’t handled the pressure well.”

“BULLSHIT!” I yelled, unwittingly proving his point. “Like you mentioned, I was thrown into the fire when I won this championship and ever since then, I’ve had to adapt on the fly and learn what it means to be a world champion in this company with minimal preparation and only six matches under my belt at the time and I challenge you, doctor, to find ANYONE in that locker room that would’ve done BETTER than me under the circumstances of which I won this championship! Name someone! Anyone! Oh wait, you CAN’T! And you know what the fucking sad part is? If my father was alive to see all of this, he STILL wouldn’t be proud of me because that perfectionist PRICK would’ve said just about the same thing all those dumbass bitches I work with have said about me and my title reign….”

“I understand where…”

“Wait…”

I cut him off, realizing some sort of epiphany about my father the moment that I mentioned him. I remembered when I first won my title and how I read that letter that he wrote before he died where he accepted me and admitted that he was wrong about me.

“That’s my problem… ALWAYS…”

“What are you referring to, Julianna?”

“My father. That’s the root of my problem. I’m a perfectionist because he drilled that into me and ever since I read that letter of his…”

I was suddenly starting to feel a sense of relief knowing that I had pinned the root of my issues, with my title reign and my time in the business, but also anger in knowing that when I won my title, I made a pretty grave error…

“I’m afraid time is up, doctor…”

Dr. Montgomery tried to get me to stay, but he looked at the time and realized that the session was over. There was only one place that I had to go…

And the root of my imperfections to confront…

April 8th

I was back in San Diego and I was at my father’s grave. My anger was increasing and I held the letter that he wrote me. I was regretting that I ever read it at all and I broke the ice with my father in the grave when I glanced back at the letter and remembered what he said to me.

It was clear to me now that all of the flowery, positive things he said about me in the letter suddenly became my biggest burden.

“Oh dad… even from the grave, you’re a prick…”

I paused before continuing to let out my anger.

“In hindsight? I was better off never reading your letter at all. I’ll tell you why. Because when I read that letter, I felt like I finally gained your acceptance and that I had nothing left to prove to you anymore. But the more I thought about your words and the more I thought about your motives and the fact that I wasn’t allowed to know about your words until after you passed and after I “was ready”, I realize now that your acceptance of me was both shallow and a damn mental trap…

If you REALLY felt the way you did about me as you expressed in what you wrote, why didn’t you have the balls to tell me to my face when you were alive?”

I gripped the letter tightly with my fist.

“All of this is YOUR fault, Dad! When you trained me, you mentally poisoned me. The way you brought me up in this business destroyed any chance I had to learn how to go with the flow and just breathe from the grind every once in a while. Your perfectionist BULLSHIT is why I grew to be the way I am… for the fact that I don’t even know how to have fun anymore and that my work-life balance is absolute shit! Your words, Dad? You know what they’ve done to me? To my reign?”

Reflecting on the ups and downs of my title reign over the last few months definitely left me seething.

“Those words trapped me. They made me let my guard down and think that I had it all figured out. They gave me this ‘satisfaction’ of feeling like I had proven what I needed to prove because I was lulled into a false sense of security that I finally made you proud and as a result, any little thing that has gone wrong with my title reign feels like I’ve let YOU and THESE EMPTY FUCKING LIES you wrote to me completely down. Every little thing that has gone wrong has made me feel like I’m not worthy of that praise you showered on me and in essence?”

I felt sick to my stomach admitting what I was about to confess.

“I subconsciously gave you control over my career and my psyche all over again from the fucking grave. Well… NO MORE! It’s DONE! I will NOT ABIDE YOUR BULLSHIT EVER AGAIN!”

I shredded that letter that he wrote to me and let the pieces fall on his grave.

“From now on, I am going to do whatever it takes to expunge your poison from my heart and mind even if it means leaving wrestling entirely!”

Suddenly, my anger froze and gave way to shock. I felt myself going cold for a minute and a quick glance at my hands revealed that for a second or two, they turned whiter. A doubtful question creeped into my thought…

“Is that what it is really going to take?”

I realized, stunningly, that venting toward my father wasn’t making me feel better after all.

Later…

I wasn’t feeling better when I went to his former wrestling school. Sitting down at the spot where the training ring once stood, depression was flooding my thoughts. I was questioning so much that the numbness I was feeling was unreal. All I could remember were moments where my father would call me names and psychologically abuse me in front of my entire class.

It wasn’t just being called “stupid”, “horrible”, and “disgraceful”...

It was being told that I wasn’t worth my mother giving birth to… that I would never be a success in wrestling… that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him…

All because I wasn’t progressing in my training the way HE wanted me to.

Remembering that made me feel so sad knowing that most of my self-esteem was based on my success in the ring… seemingly…

“Your mother told me you’d be here…” I heard Liam say as he walked up behind me. I was too stunned to really object to his appearance. “You haven’t returned my texts, my calls…”

“I know Liam, I’m sorry. It’s just…”

“Your big match? The embarrassment you went through in the triple threat? Save it. I felt like you were starting to come around only for a bad break or two to go against you making you regress back to what I’ve been trying to get you away from. What you said to me at the baseball game: is that even true at all?”

“Of course.”

“Blowing me off lately doesn’t show that, Julianna.”

“I feel TERRIBLE about blowing you off, I really do. I got in my own head after that triple threat and it’s such a struggle to separate myself from the way my dad brought me up.”

“I get that, but do you truly care more about your career than the people that support you? Especially your mother? She was the one you won that championship for to begin with. When you won that title, that’s what motivated me to seek you out again and reconnect because it’s the first time I’ve seen you do something in professional wrestling for anyone other than yourself. That’s what made me ‘crazy’ about you because I saw someone that is far deeper than what she portrays on screen. I saw it back when we were training too…”

I sighed, wondering what to say, as I remembered how I won at High Stakes and my motivations being so selfless.

“I wanted to live my life without my dad interfering, but…”

I sighed again, definitely feeling a heavy heart.

“Now I realize that I can’t live the life that I want and have my career at the same time…”

Liam’s eyes widen with surprise.

“I’m done, Liam… no matter what happens on Sunday, I’m done.”

“Julianna… you’re not serious…”

I shook my head.

“Dead serious. I feel like everyone around me wants me to be done and I am not talking about my stupid peers. I’m talking about the people that care about me… you, Ally, Christy, my mother…”

“Julianna, that’s not the case at all. Not once has any of us told you to hang it up. If this sport is what you really want to do in your heart, then keep going. We’re just looking out for you and trying to save you from yourself and from getting too deeply obsessed with your career.”

“Leave me alone…” I said with a sullen tone. “...I’ll call you tomorrow, I promise.”

Liam sighs and concedes and once I feel alone, I start to talk to myself.

“To my younger self, I am so sorry that you never got to go to that prom and everything that you went through because of my dad. Would I have grown up to be a happier person if I was never a wrestler at all? God, I REALLY wish I went to that prom that night. I should’ve… even if my father would’ve cut me off. I just think back to my career and what I’ve accomplished and the one TRUE moment of happiness I’ve had was when I won my title for my mom… and other than that, it’s always been about achieving my dad’s impossible standard and I should’ve known better than to think that I’d ever meet that standard with the title that I have…”

“With the title that WE have…” I heard my mother say to me from behind. She approached me and wrapped an arm around me.

“I’m walking away from wrestling, mother…”

“That’s not the solution, honey.”

“How can you say that? It seems like all this sport has done is made me mostly miserable…”

The tears were flowing down my face at this point as I lamented the happiness I likely sacrificed for this business.

“Julianna, if your career was truly all about your father and if wrestling is something that truly brings you no joy at all, you wouldn’t have thought of winning that title at High Stakes for me. But you did… because you ARE passionate about your craft and you showed that you could rise above your father. You proved that wrestling is what you truly want to do with your life because you wrestled with a purpose beyond yourself. Yes, you should’ve chosen the prom. I would’ve trained you myself even if it was in secret because I SAW how bad you wanted it, even then.”

“Knowing what I know now, I would’ve gone to that prom and forged my own path…” I admitted as I was feeling better. “I’ve ALWAYS had a right to carve my own path in life without my dad and the last few years, that’s all I’ve done… despite him at that…”

“You’ve always had passion for wrestling honey. Your father merely skewered it.”

“You mean I don’t have to give up wrestling to be happy?” I asked with a shrill in my voice. My mother shook her head as I had the epiphany I needed and I couldn’t help but slightly squeal with happiness.

“You can have the best of both worlds. You just need to learn how to not base your entire happiness on your career and you are smart and bright enough to do so. YOU determine your own destiny, Julianna: not your father, not your peers, not any of your challengers… nobody but you.”

I couldn’t hold back my happiness anymore as I suddenly embraced my mother, who had no hesitation at all at returning the brief embrace.

“I can take that moment from High Stakes… OUR moment… I can build on it, mother. I WILL build on it. That happiness and joy from that night? That’s the blueprint for what I need to apply to all walks of my life. I’m going to live my life and have my career MY way without either thing being defined by anyone else and I am going to tear down ANYONE or ANYTHING that gets in my way. I’m NOT retiring. I’m NOT giving in. I’m NOT giving up my title without a fight. I’m NOT going to be under my father’s thumb from the grave ANYMORE!”

“You bet your ass you won’t! I’ve been waiting to hear you say that for so long, honey!”

“I’m done soaking in the misery… and I’m sure as hell never coming back here again…”

With that 11th hour epiphany in mind, my mother and I walked out of my father’s old wrestling school… never to return again…

April 12th

Back in Flagstaff, I was really feeling that renewed vigor that was going through me. On top of the epiphany that I was having, I was also feeling some anger from Kayla Richards’s shallow words toward me. With the camera on me, now I knew it was truly time to rise my game to a higher level as the SCW Bombshells World Champion and I knew that now more than ever, I had to show this company exactly what a pure of heart Julianna DiMaria truly looked like and sounded like.

“From day one that I won this championship, hell, even before that, there have been a bunch of shallow bitches that think that they can define me and that they can define my destiny. I’ll get to the shallowest of shallow in Kayla Richards in a moment but that’s nothing new to me. It’s been happening to me my whole career and I realize that as far as the business goes, I’m not the only one that has had to persevere against that but this is also on top of the fact that when I first broke into this business, my father was controlling me in every sense. He thought he could run my life. He thought that he could define what my path in this business should be and yet, all I have ever done since I broke away from the bastard is go on a completely different path than what he approved of. It mirrors my journey here because everyone in SCW wanted me to start from the bottom and work my way up and all of that and I wouldn’t have minded doing that. I didn’t ask to be thrown into the fire as I’ve said many times before.

You know why that wouldn’t have bothered me? Because I knew in my heart from the moment I stepped into this ring against Dawn Warren that I was going to reign as the Bombshells World Champion at some point.

Yet, these same shallow bitches are pissed off at me because I took the unconventional path to success, not the path that any Bombshell would’ve approved of. So Kayla Richards, for weeks and for months you’ve thought that you can define me in any way you can. Your promo that you cut proves this. You think, therefore you say, you say, therefore it is. That’s your logic, right? Unfortunately, based on what you said to me, not only am I disappointed in you personally because I expected so much better from you than to go for low hanging fruit and to say basically the same exact shit I’ve heard for months, but what you said to me is really no different than anything my own father was saying to me during the early part of my career when he had the influence that he did.

Hell, maybe he should’ve been YOUR father based on what you were saying…

I guess in a sense, facing the bitches that I’ve beaten is like facing my own father repeatedly… especially when that bitch is someone as shallow as Courtney. Yet, all I’ve done is win. You want to keep beating the horse of me thanking you, then so be it. You really have never learned that what you say is a reflection of you, not who you are saying it to. What you say is merely an opinion and how you see things, as skewed as it may be. It doesn’t define the other person and it sure as hell doesn’t define me but you literally had the nerve to stand in front of that camera and DEMAND that not only I surrender the championship to you, but that I leave this company for a little bit and then return and start from the bottom?”

I took a pause and I tried so hard to contain my laughter. Unfortunately for Kayla, I just couldn’t. In fact, for a moment there, I was in disbelief that I even heard those words at all and that I was rephrasing them.

“I heard that correctly?”

I scoffed, still being in disbelief of this.

“The BIG BAD herself stoops to THAT level of BULLSHIT? Are you KIDDING ME? Just that by itself, the fact that you even SUGGESTED that I do such a thing, proves to me how pathetic of a person that you really are AND how hypocritical you’ve become. You’ve been going on and on for months about how much of a fighter you are and how much of a champion you want to be and you spew THAT? I’m not even pissed that I heard that. I find it that fucking hilarious that you would stoop that low, that you think THAT low of me but that doesn’t surprise me, Kayla. You always HAVE thought that low of me going back to New Generation Wrestling…

Hey, YOU brought it up first…

The fact that you mentioned that sorry excuse of a company, and I KNOW we both agree on that by the way, tells me WHY I am going to win this match…

Because you’re stuck in the past, Kayla…
‘
You STILL think of me as the same person that I was back then. YES, back in that day, I wasn’t doing so great. I was a joke in this business. I’ve admitted that countless times. That’s not exactly breaking news. You were the world champion of that company for a time, yes and for the roller coaster ride that my career has been, through good times and bad, I’ve ALWAYS been able to adapt, change, evolve and grow better and better with each passing year. You THINK that I am still exactly the same wrestler that I was back then, don’t you?

You THINK I am that same damn “nobody” I was back then. NOW all of your chirping toward me coming into this before I said ‘put up or shut up’ to you makes sense. You never gained any respect for me and it’s pretty fucking obvious that you never will and that’s whatever by the way, so seeing ME with the title makes YOU sick and gets YOU up in your feelings to the point where all you did for months before I called you out and made this match happen was talk a bunch of shit like a little annoying troll, basically BEGGING ME to pay attention to you until I finally gave you the time of day. I wanted to take the high road on this. I wanted to be beyond the past and whatever grudge you have carried toward me for years that you made plainly obvious with your chirping toward me week after week.

I wanted to see if you were either going to REALLY do something to back up your words or do whatever you had to do to earn your way to a match like this…

AND YOU… DID… NEITHER!

Your problems with me are a YOU problem, Kayla…

NGW was six years ago honey, it’s time for you to get over it!”

I rolled my eyes and scoffed, clearly taking humor in the fact that she brought up the past.

“I am a FAR BETTER WRESTLER than I was six years ago, even THROUGH the bumpy ride that I’ve had. I’m not going to mention every single company I’ve been in by name like you did because I don’t need to flex that even if in ONE company I wrestled for, I got that “HOF status” going on and YES, Kayla, I will admit that you’ve probably had less losses than me throughout our careers and that you’ve probably had better stretches of dominance everywhere you’ve been… but even then?

That gives ME the advantage because I have FAR more experience of dealing with adversity and setbacks than YOU do and THAT, Kayla, just MIGHT be one of the factors that pushes me to victory. It’s my ability to OVERCOME, to go through HELL… and you KNOW that in NGW, I went through a LOT of hell as they did EVERYTHING they could to make me a fucking joke in this business… to push through the shit that I’ve been through… that has made me strong enough to persevere as champion even when it looks like I’m about to lose it all…

Ever have a father tell you repeatedly that you weren’t worth your mother giving birth to, Kayla?

Your complete IGNORANCE and your total DESPERATION to paint me as something that I know in my heart I no longer am and have grown far too strong to ever be again shows me how weak inside you really are…

You want to lecture me about whether the words I say will mean anything in the long run? Shove it, Kayla! Because I’m walking into this match KNOWING that YOUR words in the long run toward me about about me WON’T mean SHIT in the long run, even if you do win on Sunday because for all the bullshit you want to preach about how you’re going to take this and that from me, in reality the only two things that you can take away from me are my title and the victory and you want to act like you can control my destiny and that my world is going to crumble over ONE loss and that should you win, everything that I accomplished so far means nothing.

You can take the title from me, Kayla.

But you’re not taking my fucking destiny from me. You’re not going to put me on a downward spiral. Maybe the Julianna of six years ago would’ve downward spiraled over losing a championship, which she did, I admit that. But you don’t define my path other than what can happen in that ring for three fucking seconds. The worst case scenario? I lose on Sunday and I win it back two weeks later… or at Into the Void.. or WHENEVER. I get it, Kayla. Six years ago, I’d treat one loss like the end of the world. But again, that was six years ago. I am not that person anymore. If you want to stay stuck in 2018, then be stuck there. I THOUGHT you were going to come at me BETTER than that for all the shit you were chirping at me for months…

Only for you to go through a ‘what’s what’ of what previous challengers have said about me before…

Calling my win over Courtney an upset? Not much different from the idiot herself calling it a fluke.

Basically insinuating that I won because she didn’t care anymore? Been there. Done that. Next.

Oh, going through the names of the challengers I’ve beaten during my reign? I’m pretty sure Krystal Wolfe did that, or came close to doing so? I mean it’s true that Courtney never had the heart of a champion and her recent walkout proves that, but that’s not MY problem, Kayla. Really, it’s low hanging fruit from you.

Especially coming from someone who’s kicked Ariana’s ass X amount of times and indirectly groups that in with the dominance she loves to boast about all the damn time. But hey, what do I know right?

I expected you to stand out with your words and to say something that made me REALLY think… REALLY question… REALLY challenge me and reflect on my journey and wonder if there was anything that I could’ve done better…

But all I got from you was a whole bunch of NOTHING…

When you take that into account…

When you take into account that you have gone out of your way for months to try to run me down and define me when prior to all of this, I really hadn’t done anything to you nor did I ever mention you in ANY negative way whatsoever DESPITE the history we share from six years ago mind you…

When you take into account that you stooped as low as to suggest I surrender the belt from you and walk away from this company…

When you consider that all you threw at me was low hanging fruit…

What I see in you, Kayla? From my perspective? Someone that is still a damn good, hell perhaps even great wrestler. That opinion from me about you is never going to change. But what I see is someone that has a louder bark than a stronger bite at the end of the day. What I initially saw as someone who wanted this title just as bad as I do… I now see as someone who wants the title to validate her own ego, who doesn’t have the heart for this business as I do, and who lacks the perspective and the knowledge that it takes to be a world champion… compared to me at least.

What I was HOPING would be at least a hard hitting battle between the two most passionate wrestlers on the roster in the first Bombshells Supercard main event in over the year… instead, what you have reduced it to… is this bullshit, mudslinging contest all because what? You want to hang onto the past? Because you dislike me that damn much?

The BIG BAD that should be SO FEARED and that many previous challengers to her Internet title reigns BENT THE KNEE to has really reduced herself to suggesting I forfeit the belt to her? I KNEW you were desperate when you wouldn’t keep my name out of your mouth for months, but that?

It’s a WHOLE new level of PATHETIC coming from someone like you. Don’t tell me that you truly believe you can beat me on Sunday… not when you even THOUGHT of something putridly STUPID like that…

I’ve already handed you this opportunity, Kayla…

And after I’m done with you on Sunday?

You’re not getting any more fucking handouts from me…

With that anger going through me, I shut off the camera at this point. Deep down I know I have every right to break the camera for that ‘surrender to me and leave’ suggestion…

But I also knew that I had to rise above it…

And on Sunday when I beat Kayla and shove her words down her throat?

That’s exactly what I am going to do as I continue to define my destiny… MY way!

March 4

The day after my win over Krystal Wolfe, I was in San Diego’s airport coming back from that match. I was walking through the tarmac just trying to get out of there and to avoid any rabid fans but there was one that recognized me and stopped me.

“Wait, are you Julianna DiMaria?” the young lady asked me.

“Yeah…”

“SCW Bombshells World Champion…” she added.

“You want an autograph or something? Is that it?”

“No, I’m not your biggest fan. I can’t wait to see Kayla Richards kick your ass. Cool meeting you though!”

My eyes narrowed with anger as the young lady walked away from me. I shook my head and had some internal thoughts.

“Everyone is rooting for me to fail and why wouldn’t they? I’m the outsider that came in and took the company by storm harder than any other Bombshell has  in a long time. I love how someone is already writing me off as far as Kayla Richards is concerned…”

I was already thinking about the face to face encounter we had the night before where we had agreed to the contract signing that was to take place the next Sunday.

“...but I’m getting the match that I wanted…” I thought to myself. “When I beat her, all the disrespectful pieces of shit like that bitch that just said that to me are going to quit throwing their shade at me.”

I sighed, shook my head and then continued down the tarmac until I ran into Liam.

“What? Are you here to tell me that Kayla is going to kick my ass too?” I said, acting really snappy toward a recent friendly face that I’ve been spending a bit of time with lately. Liam was taken aback by my snappy attitude.

“Let me guess, a fan?” he asked me.

“Yeah… what are you doing here though?”

“I knew you were landing soon and I wanted to catch up as soon as I could. I have a flight out of here myself to Seattle to take care of some career related stuff for the next week.”

“Right…” I said with a sigh.

“I need to be honest with you, Julianna. I’ve really enjoyed reuniting with you and spending some time with you.”

“Thanks…” I said awkwardly, not being used to compliments from a guy.

“I’ve got plans for Phoenix later this month and I scored some spring training tickets for the Padres. I was wondering if you wanted to go with me.”

This put my head and my heart in a bind. My heart wanted to say yes, but in my head, all I could think about was Kayla Richards and wanting to beat the hell out of her. I looked down on the floor and then back at him.

“I can’t…” I said, the disappointment in his face becoming clear immediately. “Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with you too and Spring Training sounds like fun, but I’ve got to be focused with my career right now. You saw last night how I just scored what’s going to be my toughest title defense yet…”

“Yeah… sure…” Liam responded, clearly still disappointed.

“I hope you understand that it’s not you. I like you. But right now, I can’t have any fun. I’m so pissed off that the company I represent as a world champion continues to short change me. I mean come on, I had to face Krystal Wolfe last night. God, I got no joy in beating that wannabe. It was SUCH an insult and opponents like that aren’t going to silence the idiots I have to deal with. I’ve got to stay on top of my game to humble and silence ANYONE that comes in my way and KAYLA… well, I can’t wait to put my fists in her fucking face for all the cowardly side talk she dropped on  me for weeks…”

“Right, I understand Julianna… being the dominant wrestler that is SCW Bombshells World Champion comes first…” Liam says with a sarcastic hint in his voice. “...because apparently, being a person isn’t that high on your priority list. I need to check in for my flight…”

Liam turns and leaves and I was left taken aback by his answer. I sighed, feeling a little bit bad about the rejection I gave him.

“I can’t let up… not against anyone… not for any reason…”

I sighed, turning back and walking out of the tarmac and the airport.

Sadly, my ‘obsession’ with my career wasn’t just limited to rejecting a date.

March 11

“What the hell do you mean you have to cancel dinner this week?” my mother asks me over the phone as I sit on my living room couch.

“I just found out about my match and it’s against that sorry ass Swede that can’t keep my name out of her mouth and if she beats me, she gets a title shot and I CANNOT HAVE THAT HAPPEN!”

I could hear my mother let out an annoyed sigh.

“You’re canceling dinner because of Selena Seduc… Sedew… how the hell do you pronounce her last name? Honey, seriously. Don’t you think you’re worrying about your world title reign just a little too much now? The longer you’ve been champion the more you’ve been pulling away.”

“Mom, it’s not like that. I just REALLY need to focus, okay? If I lose to that woman… GOD, the embarrassment! I mean, it would prove everyone that ever criticized my reign right and it would really give Kayla a massive advantage over me!”

“Why do you insist on going down this path, honey?”

“”Because I’m sick and fucking tired of the disrespect, that’s why! I’m tired of people criticizing my reign. I’m tired of wrestlers lesser than me throwing shade! Even I’ve got to admit that I’ve had an okay reign, but I’m never happy with it…”

I paused to let out a sigh to showcase my frustrations with my title reign.

“I had to go after Kayla because the fact of the matter is, my SCW Bombshells World title reign isn’t good enough yet… not until I get the supercard main event that I want so damn bad to bring the title back to the prominence it lost under my supercilious, stupid cunt of a predecessor…”

“Oh honey…” I could almost imagine my mother shaking her head on the other end. “...maybe it wasn’t the best idea to throw you right into the main event picture just four matches into your SCW career. You’re becoming too obsessed and you’re becoming too hard on yourself. Your reign is more than good enough right now. It hurts me to say what I’m about to say with you and your wrestling career, but when it comes to that…”

I could almost hear the reluctant pause on the other end.

“...you’re just like your dad…”

“EXCUSE ME?” I said, almost yelling at my own mother.

“You’re both exactly the same! Remember all of those times you wanted to spend time with him but he wasn’t willing or able to do it because he had this very important wrestling thing or because he had to train extra hard for a main event match. You’re doing the exact same thing right now! You can’t even spend time with your own mother just because you’ve got to be ready for your possible supercard main event. Unbelievable! I didn’t raise you like this!”

“I am nothing like him…” I said, with an annoyed anger in my voice.

“Julianna, please take a step back for a little bit and think about what your life outside of your career is like and you tell me if that’s a life that you want to continue living. It’s only a few minutes out of your BUSY SCHEDULE! I better see you at dinner next week…”

“Sure mother…”

I rolled my eyes as I hung up the phone. As much as I tried to ignore it, I couldn’t help but stop to think about my life outside of the ring. I thought about my friends in my life…

…the ones from high school were already long gone from my life.

Christy, Ally and Liam were basically the only ones from wrestling school I still talk to and the latter, I only started having contact with again.

I reflected on a time where I wanted to get married and have children of my own as well as the fact that my last relationship was with a disgusting, sexual deviant named Minka Carter, another wrestler in the business, who was obsessed with seeing me naked and wanting to have sex with me far more than ever having a serious relationship.

“Shit…” I said, coming to the horrible realization that for all of my success in the ring, I hardly ever took the time to take care of myself and be my own person.

“Mother’s right…” I added with a sigh as I reflected on how my father was when it came to my upbringing in the business.

October 23, 2016

Sin City Wrestling happened to be in San Bernardino that night, not TOO far from San Diego and I was beaming being backstage at that night’s Climax Control just a day shy of my 22nd birthday. James Tuscini and Ryan Keys (WHO?) were the main event that night in a “Steve’s Rules” Roulette Championship but for me personally…

“Dad, they told me that I had a great tryout match…” I said to him as he seemed to be less than impressed. Silly, naive me was just way too excited.

“That’s nice, Jules…” he said, further showing how unimpressed he was. “You did pretty good against that local chick and you won as I expected you to, but did you get a contract? Did they tell you anything? Is Sin City Wrestling going to sign you?”

I was a bit frozen with what to say considering I had just come out of a conversation with their officials and I had already known the answer.

“Well…”

“What did they say, Jules? Damn it!”

“To quote them… ‘You had a great tryout match and the fans seemed a bit into you, but right now, we think you could use a little more seasoning in other places and actually break mainstream first before we can look at you again….’

“Unfuckingbelieveable…” my father told me.

“Basically, they said ‘not now, but with time’...”

“Yeah, I know how to interpret that. But why the hell are you so happy when they rejected you just like the other three places you tried out for did the same?”

“They told me that I was very close to being offered a contract so…” I said, still beaming with pride. “...this is the closest I’ve EVER come to making it, Dad! I’m so excited about that!”


“Sit down…” he snapped at me.

“...Dad?”

“Seriously, sit down.” he said, with a more demanding tone.

I complied, having no other choice really. He towered over me and he was making it clear before he ever said a word that he wasn’t happy with me.

“Julianna, you’ve got to make sacrifices to make it in this business…”

“Yeah, I know that.”

“It’s time for you to practice that. Starting right now, until you make it in the big leagues, you are going to sacrifice.”

“...sacrifice what?”

“You are going to have no social life! I don’t care how ‘close’ you came to SCW signing you, but they didn’t sign you so ‘close’ don’t mean shit.”

“But Dad, if they put me up against an actual Bombshell, I could’ve beaten them and gotten a contract and…”

“Nah, stop it! I’m tired of you coming ‘close’ to being signed. Federations aren’t signing you because you’re not good enough yet, pure and simple FACT! The ones that make it in this business go out and make the sacrifices that they need to do to get ahead and go to the next level. They don’t sit there going ‘could’ve’ or ‘should’ve’, they get SHIT DONE! You’re not taking this seriously enough. So, until you get signed? No parties. No friends. No boyfriends. No dates. NOTHING!”

“....daddy, REALLY? You’re going to just take my whole social life away? I’m literally going to have no freedom at all!”

“You’ve got to treat this business like it’s your life, Julianna… starting NOW! That means… no distractions! I’m sure your boyfriend… what’s his face… will understand when you call him right now and dump him.”

“...what?”

“Call him right now and tell him you can’t see him anymore…”

“I turn 22 tomorrow, are you KIDDING?”

“DO IT! No more distractions! No more excuses! Or are you the useless daughter I always thought you were?”

I couldn’t help but cringe as I pulled out my phone and reluctantly called my then-boyfriend at that time to tell him I couldn’t see him anymore.

How humiliating…

March 11, 2024

Once I was done reliving that memory, I was completely haunted by it.

“...is this a healthy way to live?”

This was the question I was asking as I suddenly felt an immense amount of guilt toward how I treated my own mother and Liam recently all because I was putting my wrestling career first, second and third just like my father instilled (some would say brainwashed) into me.

I thought about the way Liam came at me in the airport after I said no to him and the guilt really became overbearing at that point. I felt compelled to call him and that’s exactly what I did because I came to realize that the way I treated him was horrible. He answered the phone after a few rings.

“Yes?” he asked me, giving me the vibe that he wasn’t quite willing to talk to me yet.

“Liam, I wanted to say I’m sorry. My behavior at the airport and how I treated you was unacceptable. I don’t want to be just like my dad and I’ve realized that I’ve been acting like him. You know that my wrestling career means the world to me and I want to be the best that I can be at that, but I shouldn’t be letting it consume my personal life. I really need to step back and quit being so obsessed with SCW, and Kayla Richards and all of that.”

“I appreciate that, Julianna. I got frustrated when you said ‘no’ back at the airport. You’re a great girl, more than you could ever give yourself credit for. But I don’t want to hang out with Julianna the professional wrestler. Underneath all of that rough exterior that you feel like you have to wear all the damn time is a hell of a person that I really want to be around. I support your career, don’t get me wrong. But I want the best for you as a person more than anything. I’m crazy about you and I don’t know why…”

“Do me a favor?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you hold that thought until you elaborate in person? Say… a Padres spring training game out in Phoenix?”

I could hear Liam laugh on the other end.

“Woman, you’re unreal! Sure! We’ll do that. I need to go, but I’ll send you all the information later.”

“Fine… good night!” I said, before I heard him return the farewell and then hang up the phone. I came to a realization not long after he hung up.

“Maybe I should start to focus on taking care of myself better instead of being so obsessed with my SCW title reign…”

As my match with Seleana Zdunich grew closer, I was beginning to weigh any possibilities of how I was going to accomplish that. But soon enough, I was back in ‘game mode’...

March 15, 2024

Finding myself in Stanford, I couldn’t help but be amused at the irony of being in a college town knowing that my opponent was an absolute dunce. I was on the main campus of the university itself and I was watching a replay of “The Game” between Stanford and California football where the band ran out on the field at the end. I could only smirk as I turned off the camera and began to express my thoughts.

“There’s the band running out on the field during that infamous football game over 40 years ago. You want to know why I am playing that clip so randomly, Seleana Zdunich? Because THAT is what it is going to take for you to beat me this Sunday and even then, it’s fair to say that even with the help from the marching band, you probably still wouldn’t be able to beat me. You know, this whole thing between us has been building up for months even though recently it’s all been from your end which is honestly quite sad. I have to ask you this…

Why are you SO obsessed with me?

No really, ever since I name dropped you a couple of times following my SCW Bombshells World Championship win, you’re name dropping me at every god damn turn as if you want to cheat on your fucked up excuse of a wife for me. Oh wait, is that ‘making hen out of feathers’? Don’t fucking talk to me about that Seleana, because this whole obsession that you’ve had with me regarding whatever it is between us has been YOU doing that! I mean, ever since I name dropped you the way I did, you’ve been complaining and whining and bitching about that clearly showing that you got your feelings hurt. I mean seriously, how many times did you name drop me in your recent promos? You’ve had so many chances just to face me without this bullshit Golden Opportunity thing: the Golden Briefcase… which you lost… and a little further back, that stupid four way tournament that Bella Madison won in which going into that match, you cut this HORRIBLE promo toward ME as if you were facing ME and not Bella Madison…

I mean no wonder she ultimately kicked your ass, am I right?

More on that putrid excuse of a promo, Seleana… but I want to address some more recent examples of where you have shamelessly name dropped me. Exhibit A… the golden briefcase match itself…

You’re talking about how you’re sorry that I can’t find a better excuse of my time then to bring up your marriage?

Girl, I’m sorry that you can’t find a better excuse of your time as a WRESTLER than to painfully try to talk shit about me in your promos basically every time you cut one. I’m sorry that I’m in your head so fucking bad. I’m sorry that in that specific promo for the Golden Briefcase match, you couldn’t find a better use of your promo time then to defend such a psychotic excuse of a person going around sucking the ass of former Bombshell Andrea Hernandez whenever she was in this company. And you want to call me “lazy” and “uncreative”, right? When you’re over there spewing nonsense toward me that you clearly copied out of Courtney Pierce’s homework notes… quite badly I should say.

I mean if you’re going to copy off of someone else’s homework, can you at least copy notes of someone that actually BEAT ME? Oh wait, NOBODY in this company has beaten me. You spent like 60 percent of your first golden briefcase promo targeting ME… all because I said some MEAN THINGS about you, your career and your personal life…

But I’m the ‘hen maker’...

I merely scoffed at this and rolled my eyes.

“You did so AFTER I decided I was done talking about you because once you lost to Bella in that tournament, I had no reason to even follow your career… or what’s left of it. God knows you haven’t won on a Supercard in God knows how long. I’m not going to get into how long you haven’t held a championship, but I think you SHOULD begin to understand what I am getting at. You’ve blown TWO recent world championship related opportunities but SOMEHOW you have this match against me to potentially get your own title shot and it’s SO laughable because you haven’t done shit to earn a shot at my title since… fucking hell, I don’t even remember how long ago that was. You want to know why you’re so fucking butthurt about what I used to say about you that you continued to throw shade at me in your pathetic excuses of promos long after I decided that you weren’t even worth talking about anymore?

Because what I said about you is the TRUTH!

You ARE a relic, Seleana!

You haven’t accomplished anything relevant in this company in YEARS!

After your last tour of duty with the SCW Bombshells World Championship many eons ago, you stopped giving a real fuck about your wrestling career because you were too busy being the embarrassing side chick of that lunatic you got married to and whose fault is that, Seleana? That’s not my fault. That’s your fault. Whose fault is it that your career has sunk so low that it can see the bones stuck at the bottom of the infamous La Brea tar pits? That’s your fault! Don’t take your fucking insecurities out on me because you haven’t accomplished a damn thing in this company in god knows how long. Don’t be turning on the camera and being a bitter, stupid little bitch like you tend to be and take digs at people better than you when more often than not, you can’t back it up and you haven’t backed it up in ages. You throw shade at me for months over two weeks worth of me telling the truth about your career, but I’m the hen maker, right?

NOW let’s talk about the ‘hen maker’ promo you had.

You know, the one where you were trying to trash my title reign which by the way was stupid because for one, my title reign was only a few weeks in at the time and far too soon to even give any criticism for and two, what the FUCK do you know about being a world champion in this company, Seleana? Like I said, you wasted 80 percent of that promo against Bella talking about me. You gave away that fucking match before the bell rang because you were so fucking obsessed with me and ti was really hilarious, but also really sad to watch as you self-destructed and unraveled over a bunch of comments that I made about you. You tried to talk about how I ‘fear’ that nobody will target me as champion like that’s supposed to be some kind of insult but I seem to recall that Kayla was going after me for weeks before I finally got her in the ring and confronted her face to face and then how I had my grand celebration to open up 2024 only to be interrupted by someone that wanted a title shot. Yeah, I’d say that comment aged as well as your career has. I mean, let’s be honest with each other Seleana…

The only time you were world champion?

You know… for all of like 14 days or however short it was?

The only reason why Alicia Lukas targeted you was because she wanted that belt back from you, otherwise?

Nobody would’ve targeted you. Hell, other than Bea Barnhart in recent years, who actually HAS targeted you? Who in their right mind has come into this company and said “damn it, I wanna kill Seleana Zdunich…”

NOBODY…

Other than Bea… only because she was obsessed with beating you after she had failed to do so in 5 tries…

And SOMEHOW, you can’t look in the mirror and see that YOU’RE the fucking problem with your career and why it’s in the pits that it is in right now. You had this championship for TWO FUCKING WEEKS, Seleana. TWO FUCKING WEEKS… and you brag and boast about that and you act as if everyone was out to get you when you had ONE four way defense against the former champion who wanted the title back, your wife, and some other bitch whose name escapes me at the moment. SOME CHAMPION you were, Seleana! Oh my god, everyone wanted a piece of you as champion for all of TWO FUCKING WEEKS! And really, the whole theory that you had of why they set up a mini tournament ‘just for someone to pay attention to you’ is FUCKING LAUGHABLE… and bullshit…
‘
And it really reveals not just how poorly educated you are in general, but how you’re willing to stretch the truth and say whatever it is you want to fucking say about me and try so hard to make it true when it never will be… almost as if you’re…

GASP…

Making a hen out of feathers!

Hey idiot, let me ask you a question.

What if Courtney Pierce wasn’t a fucking egomaniacal, sore loser MORON that wanted to rush the title rematch between her and I to the first Climax Control after High Stakes? Yeah, don’t you think that instead of defending my championship against the winner of a stupid tournament like that between four women that didn’t fucking deserve that shot in the first place, that I would’ve defended it against her at the Supercard instead? NO! Because you’re so BUTTHURT and you’re such an insecure little BITCH that instead of putting the blame for your mediocrity on yourself where it needs to be, if you can even call it mediocrity anymore because I think you’ve become the saddest excuse of a Sin City Wrestling Bombshell this side of Chloe Benton… or perennial loser Jessie Salco… you decide to take it out on people that are far superior than what you’ll ever be again!

You don’t THINK…

You’ve never learned HOW to think.

No wonder you’ve fallen so far down the pecking order that the name Seleana Zdunich makes people laugh rather than make people stand up and take notice like they did way back when.

You made this fucking STUPID lie about me and my title reign, copying Courtney’s ‘nobody cares about you’ fucking NONSENSE and you made something out of basically little…

All because I said a few words about you two Climax Controls in a row about your career and where it was at and said that you were a thing of the past…

All because I spoke the truth…

But I’M the problem?

Girl, I’m not the one that’s obsessed. YOU are! Everything that I just dissected proves that! Someone needs to put a damn straightjacket on you and take you away to a mental health facility because if you’re that damn obsessed with me, I’d hate to be around you when you happen to hold anything resembling a gun or a knife.

I’M not the one going out of my way to devote more than half of my promo time to you when I am facing other Bombshells…

YOU ARE…

The ONLY reason why I am even addressing you NOW is because I HAVE TO… because trust me Seleana, I’d rather do better and more productive things with my time than address a psychopathic piece of shit that clearly cannot accept the fact that she’s past it… or at the very least accept responsibility for the state of her own career and how she put it there herself by being just like Mercedes Vargas, just like Jessie Salco, and just like all the other dumbass ‘old school’ Bombshells that used to infect this place with their Golden Girls bullshit or STILL do… looking at YOU Sam Marlowe: by being unable to EVOLVE!

You’re a tired act, Seleana.

You put yourself in this situation because you don’t evolve, you don’t change, you don’t adapt to the changing times of this company. You never have! This division has passed you by and you don’t have the passion to do anything different or to evolve and grow in any way…

THAT’S why this match is bullshit…

THAT’S why you don’t deserve this match…

THAT’S why I’m going to beat you and just cast you aside….

Let THAT hurt…

BITCH!

At this point, with all the rage in me, I shut off the camera and take a breather, knowing that someone like Seleana Zdunich is NOT worth my anger…

February 4th

Earlier, I was in the arena continuing my brash bravado and clapping back at the haters that have constantly been picking at my title reign. But now? Alone in my own hotel room with my things in front of me and with a wrestling podcast airing in the background, I was feeling a heavy weight on my shoulders. There was a feeling of sadness, perhaps dissatisfaction, coming through me. I had just come off of reading a text from my mother asking me when I was going to stop addressing the hate. I wouldn’t even bother responding.

My journal was in front of me and I was musing about what to write about…

Normally, it’s in front of me when I’m being bothered by something. I could hear the podcast in the background beginning to talk about me. But for all of the bravado I was showing on camera, behind the scenes, I was starting to feel weighed down…

“Fraud champion…” says one locker room hater. My last defense being Bea Barnhart helped none with this. Even then, I had enough fight to jab back.

“Have you ever been a world champion, hater?” I asked in my head.

“Nobody cares about you”... says another. I thought back to my celebration that was interrupted a few weeks ago. I sighed, feeling like maybe a name bigger than Alexandra Calaway could’ve interrupted it instead. 

“You care enough about me to say that…” I said in another mental clapback.

“You’re a joke of a champion…” says another.

“Call me when you win this championship…” I would generally say back. But the truth was, I was becoming exhausted by the criticism more than I wanted to admit.

“Everything’s fine…” I told myself in my mind. “...get by Calaway and keep shoving it in their faces. You know the truth. They’re picking at you because you have what they want and they continue to be jealous that you won it faster than they ever could.”

I took a breath before I heard the podcast say “On the line with us is Minka Valeria… Julianna DiMaria’s ex-girlfriend…”

My eyes widened as they exchanged greetings and the host asked my ex who she thought would win.

“Alexandra, obviously…” I heard her say as I narrowed my eyes with anger. “I’ll tell you why I am confident in that pick. Because Julianna has this tendency to wrestle down to her competition. I swear, she basically did that against Bea Barnhart. She did the same thing against Mercedes Vargas. Her first two defenses have asterisks on them and Bella Madison is her best defense? Really? She’s a FRAUD of a champion…”

I let out a very angry sigh, showing how tired I was of hearing that kind of talk. Minka only continued.

“She can’t even be the last match on a Supercard and in SCW, it’s the MEN main eventing again.”

“WHAT?!??!?!?!” I said out loud, almost screaming. To say I was furious was an understatement, but that only lasted for a second. Inside, my heart sank. I thought back to all of the scorn I’d been receiving as the Bombshells World Champion and now knowing I had failed in my mission to return the Bombshells to the main event not only broke my heart… but it really pushed me over the edge…

“...what if they’re right?” I asked myself.

“If Julianna was a worthy champion, and not the fraud that she is, her title defenses would be main eventing those supercards…” I heard my ex say. “But the truth is, she hasn’t defended against anyone worth a damn without help from anyone and the company even sees her as the flop champion that she is…”

“...she’s right…” I said. “THEY’RE right… I’m a flop… a fraud. My last defense epitomizes it. I’ve done nothing but fail as a champion. What if this next defense is it? What if my worst nightmare comes true?”

I was starting to feel the sting of the haters words. I wisely shut the podcast off, but I was already beginning to imagine the absolute worst case scenario…

A scenario where I did, indeed, lose the title to Alexandra Calaway…

February 19th

In this imaginary scenario, I found myself in the locker room after losing my championship to Alexandra. I was cowering in the corner wanting to avoid everyone and I was in tears. I was feeling lost, embarrassed and humiliated. My heart was empty. I felt like all of my efforts, from my first match in against Dawn Warren, was truly for nothing. I could hardly breathe through the shame that I was dealing with, feeling like I had spiraled back to 2018 all over again. I could hear some chatter and laughter in the room next to mine…

“Julianna was a fraud…” I heard one of the Bombshells say.

“She truly was a nobody that got lucky the entire time…” another one said.

“What did she do during her title reign exactly? Scrape by the cupcakes before fucking Alexandra of all people won the belt from her?”

I could hear the entire locker room laughing at me and my pride was just stung. I had no fight in me to try and confront them. I didn’t want to admit it, but I truly felt like the biggest joke in the company.

“I’m not surprised at all. She’s always been a laughingstock if you’ve followed her from the start of her career…” another Bombshell said.

All I could do was bury my face in my hands and cry. My mind was now playing tricks on me. All I could hear was “failure” drill my conscience again and again until a distinctive male voice was drilling that into my skull…

The voice of my father…

When I looked up, I turned white as a ghost seeing him right in front of me…

“You’re dead…” I said through my tears.

“You USELESS, PATHETIC, UNGRATEFUL SACK OF SHIT…” my father yelled at me, causing me to shake a bit remembering that he wrote that letter to me prior to his death. “...what was I thinking writing that letter to you? You got complacent and let it get to your head. What kind of fucking title reign was that?”

I was too distraught to answer.

“SAY SOMETHING YOU IDIOT!” he screamed at me. “I’m not surprised you choked like this. You always do this. You always have. You can’t be successful for shit because you let it get in your head! Forget that fucking letter! You oughta retire from wrestling and just be a stripper or something…”

“How can you say that to your own daughter?”

“I take back all the nice, flowery things I ever wrote in that stupid letter! Figures! A stupid letter for such a stupid fucking person that will never be good enough for anyone, or anything. I mean seriously… you needed help to beat MERCEDES VARGAS? You were in a competitive title defense against BEA FUCKING BARNHART? REALLY?”

“...I can’t face the music, Dad… I’m done… I’m leaving SCW… I’m leaving wrestling… I can’t do this anymore…”

“GOOD! You never deserved to be in the business at all!”

“I’ll never bounce back from losing to Alexandra Calaway…”

“Damn right you won’t… you worthless, switch hitting SKANK…”

I closed my eyes with shame and felt a slap across the face, further pouring salt into the wound that Alexandra completely gashed in my soul. I opened my eyes and saw my younger self from 2018, the same part of myself I dismissed as an anchor before, and even she was laughing at me.

“You know I was a joke in my time…” she said to me. “And now? You’re just as much of a joke…”

My ears were filled with haunting, endless laughs… from my younger self, my father and the locker room. I heard a repeated chant of “failure” from all of them and I was suffocating from all the weight of my shattered pride…

February 5th

Then I snapped out of my own imagination, fearful as hell of such a fate. I caught a tear coming down my face. Internally, I was horrified by what just went through my head. My hand was shaking as I opened up the journal, grabbed a pen and tried to put everything I was feeling on paper no matter how hard it was.

“Finding out the men are main eventing again crushed me…

And it feels that my haters and critics in the Bombshells locker room have been validated.

I don’t want to experience them basking in my failure. But now I’m wondering if they’re already doing that. I have tried to fight off their crap for so long, but I’m not sure how much longer I can hold on before I snap, or do something so dumb that it costs me my title. But do the jealous haters have a point? I mean, my most impressive defense is Bella Madison but considering how far and fast she fell since I beat her, that’s not saying much.

It’s SO UNFAIR that I’m in a “can’t win” scenario for MBV…

I beat Alexandra and they continue with the same old BS that I’m getting tired of and they’re going to try and cheapen it with asterisks like they do with everything I do…

I lose to her and they’re all going to come out of the closet saying ‘I was right!’ and they are going to make fun of me and say that…”

It was when I wrote that last sentence, where something in me snapped. I dropped my pen and I suddenly started to feel a familiar anger flow through my veins.

“What the FUCK am I doing?” I asked myself. “NO, I DON’T DESERVE to be feeling this way over something that is so TRIVIAL to begin with. I can’t help it though. I try so much and I can never feel satisfied with ANY of my success because I know deep down I CAN do better than what I have in my reign so far and I just don’t know HOW to make all the criticism and all the bullshit just GO AWAY already! I know I’ve always had issues with loving myself as a human but this is too far! I need to put a stop to those issues and put the past behind me, but how? Maybe I could use my mom… or my therapist… or Christy and Ally… hell Liam pulled me through last time…”

I picked up my phone and went through my contacts trying to figure out who to call to pull me out of the psychological darkness I found myself in.

“FUCK that! ENOUGH of taking advice from people! I’m going to figure this crap out on my own! I’m not going to run away from my past failures and horrible moments in this business anymore and I’m going to FIGHT BACK! The ONLY way the empty words of those bitches aren’t going to bother me is if I practice self-love and embrace the worst parts of me… because the better I feel about ME, the less THEIR bullshit matters…”

With that, I tore out the page I was writing, crumped it, and threw it in a nearby can.

“Time to treat myself better…”

I picked up the pen and began writing again…

“To my younger self…

Around the summer of 2018…

You just lost your first major supercard match of your career against a coward in a blue mask by submission and you’re humiliated as hell…

The loss I just mentioned, and many that were suffered around this time, is the biggest reason why I fear of being laughed at and mocked by everyone else in the locker room…”

As I was writing to my younger self, I was imagining talking to her as well.

Summer 2018…

Central Park. New York City.

There I was all those years ago, hidden from everyone else, sitting next to a tree, hating my life and my career. A broken cell phone was nearby and my heart was sinking again as I watched my younger self lose it all.

“Now Dad just wants to make it worse after everyone backstage laughed at me for tapping out last night? What is wrong with me? Why am I SO BAD at this?”

I was wincing, looking back at this memory.

“I keep losing to inferior opponents… I even lost to someone that was barely wrestling her first match a couple of months ago. Why am I weak? I’m never going to amount to anything! I’m retiring! I can’t do this anymore! Tapping out in Madison Square Garden and being humiliated by someone I had beaten before is the last straw! I’ll never bounce back from this! I’m done! Retiring! I’m a worthless, rail thin, thin skinned piece of shit… a fucking piece of shit…”

“...stop it…” I said with a quiver in my voice as my younger self looked back at me. “It gets better…”

“How would you know?”

“I’m living the future right now…”

“And I bet when you think of me, you hate me and want to forget that you ever were me, right?”

“Not anymore…” I said as I went to sit down with my younger self, giving her a one-arm embrace along with it. “...without you, there’s no me.”

My younger self looks back at me, surprised at what she just heard.

“It’s the truth. You are, honestly, a brave, strong, wonderful human being no matter what anyone else says and that’s something you have to understand. Those haters laughing at you? Most of them will be done wrestling by the time you get to be me. The stupid company you’re wrestling for? It closes in scandal. You need to persevere like the brilliantly strong young lady that you are and keep fighting back against EVERYONE that stands in your way… even “daddy” who you’re going to prove wrong someday. You are on your way to doing amazingly special things. I know you got pressured into having to be perfect to make other people happy, but you never had to be. In fact, you’re perfect just by being imperfect!”

“I never could’ve seen it like that…” my younger self said.

“You’ve got your flaws and you’re going to have your stumbles. But you’re always going to bounce back, even from the worst rock bottom you could ever imagine. If you think THIS is rock bottom, then you have no idea exactly what kind of darkness you will have to overcome to become me! You are so courageous for facing your fears and your demons and constantly fighting no matter what happens to you. Keep doing that and the world truly becomes yours someday…”

“Thank you so much!” my younger self says as she traps me in a hug, which I return quickly. “I needed that.”

“You’re perfect…” I reassured my younger self. “You’re amazing. You’re brilliant. You’re wonderful. You’re awesome…”

February 5th

Once more, I snapped out of my own imagination as I continued to write some final, positive affirmations to my younger self detailing how incredible, brave and how strong of a fighter she truly was… and obviously still is.

I stopped writing and I finally felt much better having purged my anxieties over the spotlight I’ve been in out of my mind, finally.

“I see the truth about who I really am…” I thought to myself. This is the beginning of my reconciliation with my last…

I closed the journal shut and finally, I could breathe and relax…

February 16th

Now that the camera was on me as I stood in the vicinity of the Mirage resort in Vegas, I was back to being fired up and pretty damn pissed off. It didn’t take much for me to get into battle mode. All I had to do was remember the interrupted celebration and everything about Alexandra that I had analyzed over the last few weeks. That raging fire was burning in my heart, even more now with my personal, internal breakthrough where I decided to reconcile with my younger self.

I was about to show Alexandra what a world champion is…

“Alexandra Calaway…

I admit, I was blind. I had you all wrong. But this isn’t for your benefit, really. I had you wrong for your detriment. You see, I had a LONG, DEEP thought about why you interrupted my celebration and challenged me and I was dumb enough to think that you did it out of SOME kind of respect for me. But, as I thought about what you did and I thought about the idiots in the locker room obsessively name dropping me every promo they do… you know who you are… and it hit me. You’re challenging me for my title because you think I am easy pickings for you.

The fucking NERVE… the fucking DISRESPECT! You’re not challenging me as a compliment, you’re challenging me as an insult. Of course, it’s no secret that you’ve always carried this holier than thou attitude acting like every single win you get was this grand stage event that deserves to be respected and celebrated, but that attitude is NOT going to fly with ME! You are, quite frankly, the personification of the HATERS I deal with in that two faced locker room because even though you haven’t said it, you AGREE with those bitches that want to drag me down with their petty jealousy! Your ACTION of interrupting my celebration and challenging me proves that as a fact! Did you honestly think that I wasn’t going to catch on to your true intentions before our match happened?

Bitch, you don’t know me…

Hell, NOBODY in that locker room knows me…

But people want to chirp in subtweets, nameless, cowardly digs in their promos at me, or their constant obsession with throwing shade at me…

….KAYLA RICHARDS…

…bitch…

…they do this… ACTING like they know me.

You THINK you know me…

You ACT as if I’m that far beneath you! You showed that when you interrupted me. Just because you’ve been around longer than I have in this business and have a higher title count than me doesn’t make you better than me because when it comes to Sin City Wrestling, the proof is in the pudding… I AM better than you! I’ve DESERVED my keep around here! I’M the one that has stepped up against big name opponents. I’M the one with the wins over Courtney and Roxi. I’M the one that went to High Stakes and won this championship! I’M the ONE that BEAT THE ONE that night! You know all the talk the idiots say about me?

“Fraud champion”

“Nobody cares about you”

All of that?

You know to some degree, that honestly should’ve applied to you and your Roulette Championship reign… you know, one of the things that make you feel like you’re entitled to disrespect me and challenge me? People want to bash MY reign while they let THAT reign get off scot free? Nah, fuck that. Let’s talk about that reign.

Let’s talk about how you won the thing from Jessie Salco… of ALL people! WOW! That is SO impressive! You beat the Bombshell who retired with the most losses in the history of this division and who was on her last legs! I’m SO IMPRESSED!”

I paused and let out a scoff.

“Beating Jessie makes you SUCH a queen, right? I mean hell, who HASN’T beaten Jessie Salco that was in this company prior to my arrival? Why should ANYONE be impressed by that? To me, honestly? It looks like you took the lowest hanging fruit among the Bombshells champions. At the time you won your title, the other two singles champions were Kayla and Courtney. If you wanted to REALLY prove something, you challenge one of them… NOT Jessie! But you know who challenged Courtney on the biggest show of the year and won? I DID! You know who would beat Kayla pillar to post like the loud mouthed little, attention starved vapid piece of shit that she is? I would, because I don’t fear her. I don’t fear ANY competition! That’s literally the ONLY reason why I took your challenge because if you REALLY take a deep dive into your run here, you don’t deserve this spot as much as someone like Kayla or Courtney would. Tell me, Alexandra.

Why didn’t you challenge either of them instead?

Hell, you didn’t even have to beat anyone worthwhile to even GET that title shot against Jessie. Who’d you beat? Bea Barnhart and Seleana Zdunich? REALLY? But people want to go around calling ME the “fraud champion”.

FUCK THAT! I’m DONE with that shit! I’ve reached my last straw with the haters because I know I am better than taking their shit and starting with you, I am going to show that I am DONE with that garbage! You turn the camera on literally every single promo that you do, living in this delusion of grandeur and acting like you’re the greatest thing since sliced bread as you meander on about your accomplishments… acting like you’re some kind of goddess from above, when really? You’re like many of the Jane Does around here that act as they’re better than they really are. I mean, in past promos, you’ve talked about being the ‘top dog’ around here…

Yeah… the top dog that padded her Roulette title reign against Georgie Robertson and Laura Phoenix, am I right?

But hey, I guess in your warped head… you think that retaining against the likes of Seleana and Bea makes you a worthy title challenger, right?

That’s without mentioning you have losses… PLURAL… on your record to Bea Barnhart, by the way. Don’t get me wrong, Alexandra. You’re a fine wrestler. I’ll give you that. You’ve got titles to your name all around the world. You’ve made the grade everywhere else you’ve wrestled and you’ve had to overcome a lot of darkness… within yourself, surrounding you, and from other people… to get to where you are today. But that doesn’t mean that you’re better than me and that doesn’t entitle you to my championship! People around here act like I’ve got a silver spoon in my mouth and that I didn’t have to work hard to get to where I am today. That couldn’t be further from the truth…

You think I don’t know a damn thing about darkness, Alexandra? Because I DO… and arguably? I think I know what it’s like to be in that darkness BETTER than you do! You’ve talked about what you’ve been through personally… and I can sympathize. But let me run down the darkness I’ve had to endure…

A father that verbally and emotionally neglected and abused the hell out of me when he had the chance.

My first wrestling company treating me like an absolute joke where more than half of their locker room made a mockery out of me after every match I lost.

Literally losing my mind and allowing myself to be brainwashed by a toxic, abusive ex-boyfriend thinking that I had to act like him just for him to love me.

Being abused and mistreated by the company that I won my first world championship in… TWICE…

And to bring things full circle? Never gaining his full acceptance until he was already in the grave.

I have been the laughingstock of this business before, Alexandra. I have been in woebegone wrestling promotions stuck in the nineties where I was treated as nothing more than a sex object and not taken seriously. Now, I WILL own up to the fact that when I first started out, I brought some of the ridicule and scorn upon myself because I was young, dumb and immature… but FUCK… dealing with all of that? It STILL hurt… but I pushed on, I persevered and hell, prior to coming here, my career wasn’t exactly in the greatest shape. I’ll be the first to admit that. But I came here and I turned things around so that is why, Alexandra…

When you’ve got Courtney calling me a ‘nobody’ prior to our title match…

When you have that fucking moron Keira Fisher calling me a ‘weakling’...

When Kayla the Cunt is so desperate for my attention she’s chirping at me in her promos with her sophomoric bullshit…

I barely feel a thing now…

With what I’ve endured, I’m too fucking strong to be broken down by that now.

THAT is what makes me STRONGER and BETTER than you! That’s what makes me more of a DESERVING CHAMPION than you.

You’re giving yourself sugar comas with all the cupcakes you got to eat during your Roulette Championship reign… aside from Tempest… while I make HISTORY winning this championship that I have now in just my SIXTH match!

YOU have your big matches over your time here… LOSING them more often than not… while I haven’t lost ONE match here! Not yet!

Hell, put your MIRAGE of who you feel you really are aside for a moment and TRULY ask yourself if you’re ready for this or if you’re biting off more than you can chew because while you’ve made the grade in other places, HERE, in Sin City Wrestling? The competition has proven it’s been a notch slightly above your current capabilities. Granted, maybe you CAN make an adjustment and close the gap… but not Sunday… NOT at my expense! Your record… HERE… when it comes to supercards and big matches leaves SO much to be desired…

Remember your Luna grudge and how you had a chance to make a name for yourself last May at Into the Void? How’d that go? Oh wait…

But you won three supercard matches in a row after that… against Bobbie, Jessie, Georgie and Bea… HA… that’ll make you a world champion.

Then you lose the Roulette Championship to Bobbie… the worst title match choker the Bombshells division had! You not only lose the belt to someone you already beat, you also lose it to someone that has never held a title in this company before. But even after THAT, you think you get to move up and challenge me and that you deserve to be the Bombshells World Champion?

I know there was scorn about ME getting a title shot after just five matches… but at least the biggest win I had prior to High Stakes was Roxi whereas your biggest win PERIOD, throughout your whole career, was either Jessie or Tempest. I guess if that passes for having the right to jump the line, then so be it. But really, as INSULTED as I am by you challenging me… now that I realize that you did so because you probably think you can easily win this because of all the TMZ-style garbage about me that spreads around the locker room…

Putting your SCW career in a scope the way I just did with how more often than not, you haven’t met the mark in this company compared to your career everywhere else?

NOW I realize why the men are in the main event of this supercard regardless of how BULLSHIT it is considering neither one of those dickless bastards beat the REAL champion in J2H to begin with…

It’s not because of the slanderous narrative of “JULIANNA IS A FRAUD CHAMPION”...

It’s not because of me…

The Bombshells aren’t main eventing this show because of YOU… because your SCW career so far doesn’t scream ‘main event title contender’. Sure, all you need is ONE win to change that… and I know ALL about that considering High Stakes and how I GOT that one win to prove I am a main event contender. For you, sadly… it’s not going to happen. You, Alexandra, are many things to me right now.

You’re my final straw.

This fucking locker room is done trashing me and disrespecting me when I’m not in front of their face.

I am DONE being weighed down by HORRIBLE, UNDESERVING, RANDOM CHALLENGERS like Bea Barnhart and I am DONE having MY MISSION of the Bombshells main eventing a supercard again be weighed down by the likes of you.

You’re my STATEMENT, Alexandra…

You’re my statement to the room that enough is enough with the games, the petty high school level nonsense about me, challengers like Bella who acted like our match never happened and moved on, the bullshit of people interfering in my title matches to cheapen my reign….

I’m DONE with it!

After I retain against you, this fucking company will put respect on my name, my championship and MY division! When I retain against you, I am NOT taking a fucking backseat to ANYTHING on a supercard again… not the men’s division, not that stupid Blast From the Past tournament final… ANYTHING!

I hate that it had to be you, because even though you disrespected me with interrupting my celebration and treating me like someone you can just walk all over, I at least RESPECT YOU more than the other Bombshells because despite what I think about you and your worthiness of challenging me, you at least came up to me to my FACE and talked your shit… unlike the KAYLAS of the world that are too chickenshit to say anything when I’m around and would rather hide behind their subtweets.

I define who the fuck I am… not the petty, spineless bitches in the back that want to shade me behind their fucking keyboards.

I put the exclamation point on that very fact when I once again retain MY Bombshells World Championship and make you second guess your decision to challenge me.

With all the rage in my soul with what I just vented, I take a deep, angry breath and shut the camera off.

November 26

When I got back to the hotel, I realized that there was a piece of my defense against Mercedes Vargas that was fuzzy to me. But luckily, someone in the truck was nice enough to provide me the tape of the match.

I was feeling a little relief that I had won, of course, because in my book, I had erased the asterisk that came with my title defense against Courtney. I found the video of my match in my cloud storage that the production guy had sent it to.

“My first title defense with no nonsense…” I thought to myself with a smile. I fast forwarded through most of the match considering I had remembered what had happened but when I got to a part that was fuzzy to me, I stopped and played it at normal speed.

And there it was…

The Harper Mason bullshit…

My heart sank harder than the Titanic in that moment…

“No…” I thought to myself, feeling numb and cold. “...not again…”

I wanted to break stuff in my room. I wanted to scream. I wanted to be as angry as I could possibly be but I held myself together to prevent that. Sadly, I not enough to prevent the doubts from seeping in knowing that my father would’ve been disappointed in this too. Then for the first time in my SCW career, I started to have my doubts…

“Am I a fraud?” I asked myself in my head. “That’s TWO title defenses that are questionable now! TWO STAINED by interference! The first one, at least I could say that I would’ve won anyway with High Stakes to back it up. But THIS ONE?”

I was frozen with massive disappointment. Seeing Mercedes tap out didn’t make me happy. My anger was giving away to sadness at this point. I could just hear my father calling me a ‘horrible champion’. I could feel the disappointment from the grave. But when I realized the interference wasn’t even the worst part, that’s when my nerves started to go numb… so numb that I was starting to have a hard time breathing.

“...the worst part is the match shouldn’t have even been that close… but it WAS! I was THAT close to having EVERYTHING be shattered… BY FUCKING MERCEDES VARGAS OF ALL PEOPLE!!!!!!”

My breath felt shorter as I sat in a corner of the room, definitely triggered by that. In my mind, Mercedes is an opponent that I SHOULD’VE been able to put away rather easily but the fact that it was even close AT ALL was playing tricks with my mind. I really wanted to bury my face in shame.

“What kind of champion am I?” I asked myself. “One that needs help to retain? One that wrestles down to opponents that have sometimes resulted in losses to people I should be winning against in spades… and it ALMOST happened tonight? What is WRONG WITH ME? Why was that match even CLOSE? WHY? Why do I ALWAYS have this pattern happen to me? Why is it that when I attain success, I come close to folding like a stack of cards before I do so? This is UNACCEPTABLE… EMBARRASSING! I can’t have this… I can’t deal with this…”

I almost fainted in that moment when I realized my anxiety had been strongly triggered.

“...I need to calm down and understand what it’s going to take to get through this. WHY can’t I handle success well? WHY? There’s only one person I know that would understand…”

I calmed down enough to pull my phone out of my pocket and dial the number that I needed. In my mind, I was hoping they’d pick up. My heart jumped when they did.

“Hello? Dr. Montgomery… hi…” I said to my former therapist. “...I’m… I’m not doing so well… I just had a panic attack… yes over the match I just had… if we can just have a session…”

I breathed a sigh of relief when I was told this would happen. But on a night like this? A night that was more embarrassing for me than it was something to gloat about by far… it was the only thing about this night that I could be positive about.

All I could think about for a while was how I HAD to be better…

Otherwise, my title reign wasn’t going to last much longer…

A week later…

Dr. Montgomery’s office.

Session in progress.

I had already explained to him the gist of my situation with the two title defenses that I’ve had so far and how they have gotten me down along with my frustration with my career long pattern of ‘wrestling down’ to people and suffering upset losses as a result.

I knew Bella was my challenger by this point… and that worried me…

Not because I felt threatened by Bella… but because Bella is the perfect example of the type of wrestler I once suffered upset loses to on a regular basis.

“For starters, Julianna…” Dr. Montgomery explained. “...you went into that defense against Mercedes already down on yourself over what happened with Courtney. That’s not good.”

I nodded, agreeing.

“You have, what I like to call… ‘success anxiety’...”

“What? That’s so… confusing…”

“You remember why we met in the first place, correct?”

“How could I not? My career and my life were in shambles in 2018. For the life of me, I was going in circles and was completely lost…”

“The early part of your career was cruel to you…” Dr. Montgomery reminds me. “You weren’t mentally there. You let the spotlight get to your head. People in wrestling saw you as a joke because you’d lose plenty and you were a walking punchline on social media with all the trolling you used to do… and these upset losses you used to have so much? It made you feel like the perennial stepping stone to other people…”

“You got that right…” I said with a sigh, not wanting to remember that awful part of my career. “I’ve never really been able to enjoy my success since then, honestly. Here I am thinking ‘what if I fuck up against Bella the way I did against Mercedes?’. It’s very possible…”

“Don’t overthink it, Julianna. That’s the ‘success anxiety’ right there. You worry far too much about falling back into what you were that you can never enjoy your success and everything has to be perfect. That’s why something off like these interferences during your defenses happen and you’re having panic attacks over it. You worry too much about suffering an upset loss that you basically numb yourself into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You almost did it against Mercedes…”

“And I CAN’T afford to play with that fire again with Bella…” I admitted. “I don’t get myself. When I’m chasing a title, it’s smooth sailing but every time I’m the one defending, it’s like this TRIGGER hits where I’m worrying so much about failing and the worst part is, I brought it on myself. The first couple of years, I didn’t take this too seriously and I even regret that I was so young and stupid back then. You’re right…”

I paused to sigh, lamenting that I was so stupid and allowed myself to go through so much shit that it was still affecting me in the worst ways… even now. A part of me even wanted to laugh or cry at the fact that I just might be the most insecure, undefeated world champion in wrestling history… or at least that’s how I was feeling in the moment.

“What you just described is exactly why I’m a perfectionist and why those two defenses have gotten to me.”


“Perhaps you should consider letting out what you’ve been holding in for years…” Dr. Montgomery advises. “You should face what you were before and let out some of that anxiety. For your sake, you should also celebrate and be happier with your successes a little more instead of worrying about the fall that hasn’t even happened yet and… in my opinion based on how you’ve been in SCW so far? Won’t even happen for a hell of a long time if you’re able to keep your head straight.”

“Thanks…” I said with a bit of a relieved sigh. At that point, I was wondering what I had to do to face this and overcome my “success anxiety”...

December 13

I was at home in my living room, journal in hand, and I was angry as I was staring across the wall. There was a poster of me from five years ago wearing an “#OFFLINE” t-shirt in reference to a horribly stupid trend I used to do as a rookie when I would “troll and run” from people on Twitter like I was the prototype version of Hayley Halsey.

“To my former self in 2018…I HATE YOU…” I wrote to my younger self as my anger flowed through me. “WHY did you have to be so STUPID? WHY did you take your career for granted? WHY did you always allow yourself to be a FUCKING LAUGHINGSTOCK? WHY WERE YOU SO FUCKING WEAK? You were NEVER going to be good enough to be a world champion because being popular on social media and ‘owning’ people on Twitter with your stupid bullshit while your wrestling skills were being overshadowed and while wrestlers worse than you were always beating you meant more to you than your fucking craft! You never came CLOSE to a world title! You cared more about carrying on your father’s legacy than doing anything worthwhile for yourself. YOU! ARE! PATHETIC! YOU! ARE! NOTHING!

You are… my former self… an insipid, immature, dunce-minded weakling who had no fucking idea what it took to be a champion and being the dead weight you are, you STILL seep through… just like you did in that match against Mercedes. You are WEAKLING TRASH! For five years, all I’ve ever done is rebuilt from your GARBAGE! You are WEAK because you allowed your obsession with making your parents happy break you like you did and you CONSTANTLY suffered STUPID losses to wrestlers that I, on paper, would beat in my sleep!”

My eyes narrowed with disgust as I continued to look at that poster of my younger self. I was so angry I even picked up the SCW Bombshells World Championship and through it right at the poster. It fell face down on the floor and I continued to unleash my anger.

“It’s because of your former existence that I question whether I even deserve to have the title that I do now. I’ve done nothing but succeed in SPITE of you. The best way I can move on from my ‘success anxiety’ is to get rid of you completely and act like the early part of my career never happened….”

I paused for a moment before I wrote more… and even began to say out loud what I was writing…

“I hate you so much… I! HATE! YOU! SO! MUCH!

I could NEVER appreciate you… vapid, trashy, overgrown child… AKA myself at the age of 23 going on 24… being so naive and so moronic and so substandard compared to what I am today…

You’re a distant memory, younger self… you should stay that way.

Because all you are to me now is a reminder of a horrible time in my life I reject and want nothing to do with…”

“JULIANNA?” I heard my mother say as she walked in. Her jaw dropped in shock as she saw the scene. I was startled as she sat down next to me. “What are you doing?”

I said nothing, shoving my journal into her hands. She read it and I saw her face change from concerned to outright sad.

“...this is how you feel about yourself?” she said with the disappointment clearly in her voice.

“Who I used to be…”

“Honey, your younger self is still you…”

“You’ve taken your medicine right? I can take care of myself…”

“Julianna, it’s time for me to take care of you for a change. I appreciate what you’ve done for me during my cancer episode and why is the title on the floor like that?”

My mother sighs as she goes over to grab it. She hands it to me, but I pushed it away.

“I really don’t know if I deserve that right now. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Julianna, five years ago, you were still a growing young lady. You didn’t have the knowledge or the experience back then to be what you are now. Here, take the belt…”

“No…” I said, rejecting it. “After my two defenses… after that second one… MERCEDES of all people… what if I lose it to Bella and I go BACK to what I was five years ago…”

“You have matured far too much as a person to ever fall into that hole again…”

“But those two defenses…”

“Honey, move forward…”

“They make my anxiety worse, mother…”

My mother listens at that point while my eyes started to water.

“It’s really made me doubt myself as a champion honestly. I don’t know if I can handle this with the panic attack I had back in Tempe. #JulesInSix might be a trendy hashtag, but this whole thing with the world title happened so damn fast…”

“Listen honey, we all start from somewhere and that person from 5 years ago was YOUR starting point. I want to remind you that when you won this title, you said it was OUR title and I’m sticking with that. Now, you need to pull yourself together. What happened in those two defenses wasn’t your fault. If you want to overcome this, you need to remind yourself of what made you as strong as you are now. You’re in the spot that you’re in because the company feels you deserve to be there and there’s not a damn person on the roster that can take that away from you. You got thrown into the fire and your first two defenses weren’t how you wanted them to go with the interferences. I get that. But as the saying goes, it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish. I promise you that by the time your reign is over, nobody will even be talking about those two defenses. In fact, Bella didn’t even mention them at all…”

My mother wraps an arm around me, which was enough to prevent a crying fit from me. She even takes the letter I wrote to my younger self, tore it out of my notebook and ripped it to shreds.

“You don’t need that. You need to treat yourself better. You haven’t been that person in years and you never will be again. Don’t be so hard on that person. After all, she had to exist to evolve into the champion you have become…”

I soaked in my mother’s words for a minute before I started to understand.

“That must have been one amazingly strong person if she endured all the abuse she had happen to hear in the early years of her career to evolve into who I am today…”

“See?” my mother says with a smile. “Now you’re getting it. Anything awful that happened before? Forget it. Anything before SCW? Even those two title defenses you just had? Forget all of it. None of that matters, honey. What happened before doesn’t determine whether you beat Bella or not.”

“Thank you…” I said, feeling blessed that I had such a patient and caring mother. “I understand that I need to start treating myself better and giving myself more credit for my successes than beating myself up for my failures…”

My mother was beginning to tell me a story of what happened with her when she was in a similar situation and it helped me feel tons better. The overthinking, anxiety and mental downward spiral had stopped in this moment… and I KNEW deep down this was the turning point that was going to push me toward beating Bella and beginning to overcome my ‘success anxiety’...

December 15

I was in a lobby, camera turned on, pointing toward me, and a grandfather’s clock ticking. The lights were dim and I was a hell of a motivated champion with the realization that I finally knew what I had to do in order to quit being my own worst enemy. Thinking back to Bella’s brief speech coming into this night, I wasn’t worried or even intimidated. I was more amused… and that was what I was going to express to begin my final thoughts..;.

“Oh Cinderbella…

So valiant…

So brave…

Too bad for you it won’t be enough. Thank you for showing me how much of a fragile little flower you truly are on the inside. I mean for god’s sake, woman. I haven’t mentioned your mother in weeks and you still decided that you were going to go off about that. You really took a comment that was honestly a bait comment more than anything and you really jammed it so far up your ass. I knew what I was in for when you opened your speech with that and boy was I ever right. I had a feeling you’d come in trying to express a false bravado and I was waiting for you to slip up and contradict yourself and you DID NOT DISAPPOINT! One minute, you’re talking about how you came in as YOU and how you didn’t need to be Bella Phoenix and you’re hinting that you came in as an independent person from all that but the next minute… what the fuck do you do?

Oh, you’re talking about how this is about independence and breaking free from the shadows that have held you down and how this is about standing on your own…”

I scoff with amusement.

“You know you just gave away why you’re losing right? Because what you just proved to me contradicting yourself in that fashion is that you DON’T know exactly who you want to be just yet! You have a general IDEA of who you want to be, but that idea is little more than a WISH! You WISH to be independent! You WISH to create your own legacy! You WISH to break free from your mother’s legacy so bad and WISH to break free from the shadows that have held you down. Bella, have you ever heard the saying that a wish is a goal without a plan? WHAT exactly is your plan to accomplish what you want to be? Winning my championship? That’s not going to happen. I WANT to admire your guts and your courage and your desire to do all that. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a second generation wrestler and can even relate to what you are saying. Yeah, the weight of a parental legacy is daunting. The shadows that make you insecure? Those are fucking daunting. In a perfect world with all the parallels between us, we might even be best friends and exchange legacy stories or something, but what you are showing me, Cinder-Bella, is that you’re STILL just a damn dreamer. Beating Seleana and Krystal, a has-been and someone that will never be a World Champion in SCW, is NOT going to change that. You know what IS going to change that? Actually KNOWING who you want to be instead of “having an idea”.

I want to tell you a story about me, Cinderbella… and this is real life, not the fairy tale you want to live.

Like you? I had those lingering shadows. My father? His emotional abuse toward me? The fact that he even called me a “switch hitting deviant” in reference to my bisexuality for instance? The insecurities I had in me that were caused by that man… I can go on all day about them. The first couple of years of my mainstream career? The perception people had of me as a joke that wasn’t motivated enough to be anything in this business? Yeah, those weighed down my career for a LONG time. I allowed those shadows to control me and be far less than the best version of myself and as a result, I even put my career in the hole until my mother got kidney cancer the first time and that’s when I woke the fuck up and realized I had to do something with my life and be BETTER!

You know what I did, Bella? I CHANGED! I trained harder… and differently. I approached the business far more seriously than I did before. I refined my game. I reinvented myself. I set out to ERASE the perception I had in this business as a joke and a second gen failure. I didn’t just SAY I was going to do it the way YOU do… I FUCKING DID IT… and I didn’t do it by beating stale cupcakes and brownie batter like you have… I did it facing the best of the fucking BEST of the competition those companies had to offer and focusing on MY improvement…

YOU focus on breaking away from the past…

I focus on doing whatever I have to do to be BETTER every single day even if I sometimes have to face the past in order to do that…

YOU drown yourself in the shadows that you are so desperate to break away from… you’re happy being stuck there because you’re not good enough to have any other motivation other than those lingering shadows.

Me? I face them. I conquer them. I move FORWARD! You are attempting to do the same thing that I did years ago before I came to SCW but the biggest difference between you and I is that while you are a DREAMER, I am a DOER! I was so meticulous in my plan to break from what was holding me down I even wrote out how I was going to do it, what titles I was going to win along the way, how I was going to change myself to be better, and all of that.

And I look at you and aside from maybe being ‘more aggressive’, I still see the same old Bella from her pre-pregnancy run between the ropes. If you REALLY wanted to change… if you REALLY had a plan to be better… you take ACTION…

You don’t continue to hang with Wolfslair and train with them. You go to another fucking wrestling gym and gain another perspective on how to approach your craft. Hell, I’ll even advocate for wrestling in another country or even in another stateside promotion altogether so you can get a variety of experiences that will help you be better, you don’t stay stuck in your comfort zone and just face the same old shit over and over again.

Having a plan to be better isn’t having the same old, boring mindset of ‘it’s about proving that I am a force to be reckoned with’...

Fuck outta here!

That’s a LOSER mindset, Bella… that’s why you’ve never been able to win a singles championship here because you’ve had that mindset for your entire career and that’s yet another crack in this wannabe armor that you have been trying to show when you’re going around acting like you’re a better Bella than you were before. ‘It’s about proving myself’ is what a DREAMER, someone who has NO PLAN to get to where they want to be, does…

And that’s why DREAMERS in this business ultimately DON’T get to where they want to be.

The attitude of a champion isn’t ‘it’s about proving myself’, it’s ‘I KNOW I have proven myself and I’m about to fucking show it when I take the next step toward the goal I want to achieve’.

THAT’S what you are missing, Cinderbella… and compared to me, you’re missing it in spades and that’s without mentioning that saying that it’s about proving yourself as a force to be reckoned with is literally the WORST thing you can say when you’ve been here as long as you have because… well… think about it.

If NOW, you’re saying that it’s about proving yourself, then what about the last four fucking years huh? So does this mean that you HAVEN’T proven yourself at all these last four years? Because at the end of the day, Cinderbella, you don’t become a world champion if you never prove yourself and often those that don’t, don’t even get a chance to and I don’t need to repeat myself on how exactly you got here, do I? When I came in here at first? Yeah, I knew I had to prove myself because I was in a new company. I knew that when I had that shot at High Stakes, I had to earn it because I didn’t exactly win a match to get it. Had I lost to Ariana, she would’ve merely been added. But I NEVER felt like I had to prove myself because I TRUSTED in my abilities from the very beginning. I admit that I’ve had a moment to myself in private here and there, but I’ve always been able to string myself together. I came in with the mindset that when I came to Sin City Wrestling, I was going to be the Bombshells World Champion and sure enough, that’s exactly what I accomplished even though I didn’t think I’d get to this point as fast as I did.

I heard ALL the hype about Courtney Pierce when I walked in here. When I found out I had a shot against her, all I heard was Courtney this, Courtney that but while I heard it, I didn’t LISTEN. No matter what anyone said, especially her, I KNEW I was going to beat her and not once did I ever feel like I needed to prove a damn thing to her. YOU feel like you need to prove yourself to your opponents while I don’t drag myself down doing that. My focus wasn’t proving myself to Courtney, it was ending her dominance, ending her reign and taking that fucking torch from her and at High Stakes, that’s exactly what I fucking did! If there was ONE thing I could change about my career in Sin City Wrestling so far it’s the fucking bullshit interference both of my title defenses up to this point have had but even that? While I admit I was letting it get to me for a while, I got my shit together and I put it behind me.

DOERS are able to put the undesirable moments behind them, even if sometimes, it takes longer to do so.

DREAMERS? They dwell on those undesirable moments, hold onto them, and use them for motivation thinking that it’s going to get them to where it wants to be and then starting the whole fucking cycle all over again when they continue to add undesirable moments. You really are, Cinderbella, in a toxic cycle within yourself that you don’t seem to realize just yet. Perhaps when you FINALLY understand the difference between a wish and a goal, when you realize how to be a doer and not a dreamer, you may be a champion on your own.

But you currently don’t understand any of that…

And that’s why against someone who GETS IT, someone who has been in your shoes before, someone who managed to fight and overcome what you are going through right now and did so in a MUCH BETTER way then you are doing so at the moment, you’re NOT going to win.

You’re NOT going to beat me… unless I beat myself…

And while I admit I ALMOST did that in my last defense, I’ve learned my fucking lesson and I’m NOT going to be weighed down by the disappointment of my two defenses so far. This third defense WILL be the charm for me and as much as I don’t hate you, as much as I actually kind of WANT to see you succeed here because of how we relate on that “second gen thing”, I HAVE to make an example out of you. I WILL further cement the dominance that I have in this company as the SCW Bombshells World Champion and you can take what happens in that ring on Sunday one of two ways…

You can take it as a setback… you can go back to the drawing board… you can whine and cry just like you did after the Bobbie loss while you admit that you questioned yourself after that… and you can wonder what’s next for poor, naive, dreamer Cinderbella…

OR…

You can take this loss that is coming your way as a LESSON… you can take the time to understand first hand why I am the success I have been in my career and why I’ve clicked so fucking quickly in this company… and you can finally stop being a dreamer and start being a DOER…

So what’s this loss going to be for you? A setback? Or a lesson?

The choice is yours after I FINALLY have a no bullshit title defense…”

I was interrupted briefly by the sudden chime of the grandfather clock behind me, signifying it was now the top of the hour.

“It’s not quite midnight yet, Cinderbella…

But this Sunday?

It will be!

Henceforth ends what I hope is a future building lesson for you…”

With that, I scoff and make my way out of the lobby, shutting off the camera along the way.

November 22, 2023

In all honesty, while I was happy that I was able to retain against Courtney Pierce two weeks after I had defeated her for the championship at High Stakes to begin with, I wasn’t happy about Ariana Angelos’s involvement because I knew in my heart that I didn’t need it in order to beat her again. But this coming week, I didn’t have time to dwell on it. Mercedes Vargas was the next defense coming up this Sunday and while I definitely have had my time to prepare and to think about the challenge ahead, in this moment?

I’m doing something nice for my mother…

“I’m sure your mom will appreciate the fact that you made some space for her to stay whenever she likes…” Christy, one of my two best friends says as I have a bit of a smile on my face.

“Yeah! I mean, she’s been through so much lately and the fact that you’ve been there for her so she wouldn’t be lonely. It really is a nice change in you…” Ally adds.

“I still have some stuff to move…” I admit as I go to the last corner of the room that needed to be emptied. My eyes widened a bit when I realized I was looking at a nostalgia trip. There were some pictures of memories from the promotions that I’ve been part of over the years. But, when I saw some photos and memorabilia stemming from my time in New Generation Wrestling and Portland Pro, I rolled my eyes.

“Dumpster please…” I said with a sigh. Ally wasn’t long in bringing a large garbage can but she and Christy were shocked when I took everything from those two companies and dumped it all in the trash.

“Woooow….” Christy said.

“That was literally the worst time of my life…” I reminded my two best friends. “Why would I want to keep anything from those two companies?”

I scoffed as I looked to clear more stuff and I opened a box that was on a dresser. My eyes narrowed with some type of bitter anger.

“Oh…” I said with an angrier sigh as I saw memories from Mainstream Wrestling. I was glancing at pictures of my US championship win, my Pinnacle battle royal win, my world title win, and replicas of both of the aforementioned titles along with a handful of awards I won during my time there. Suddenly, I was swept by an internal sadness as I looked at my left hand and saw my Hall of Fame ring from my induction there last year.

“Jules?” Ally asks with concern. “Is everything okay?”

The one picture in the box that I wouldn’t stop staring at was the moment that the Mainstream World Championship was lost.

“Julianna… you’re looking like a ghost…” Christy adds.

“This should’ve been my wrestling home for the remainder of my career…” I said regarding Mainstream Wrestling. “...but they ruined it for me…”

I stared at that picture further. All of that hurt, all of that anger, all of that embarrassment was coming back to me…

…the moment I lost that world title… which that in and of itself was harsh enough.

“...I was the final chapter in someone else’s retirement story…” I said, with a little more anger in my voice. “...I lost that title to a nostalgia act that got to retire as champion…”

“Oh no…” Ally says, knowing what’s wrong. “Jules, that was nearly two and a half years ago…”

“Don’t ‘two and a half years ago’ me, Ally! Do you realize how much that hurt me? I was doing pretty damn good as the Mainstream World Champion! I was turning back every challenger that was coming my way. But then this retiring piece of trash comes along and gains one last moment at my expense… and my entire reign… everything that I built up… all of my hard work… it meant NOTHING!!!!!!!”

“Jules, you know that…”

“Christy… I STILL feel that way. My entire title reign over there was reduced to being someone else’s glory… and I’ll be DAMNED if I allow that to happen to me AGAIN this Sunday…”

“Mercedes isn’t planning on retiring though…”

“It’s not THAT different!” I said, with anger rising in my voice. “I can’t look at this trash… and trash is where this belongs.”

I was about to dump the box of my Mainstream memories in the trash, but Ally pulled back the can.

“Julianna… NO! You can’t trash that!”

“Mainstream Wrestling was when you really began to make a name for yourself….” Christy reminds me. “I know your first title reign ended horribly and I understand why you feel the way you do, but that doesn’t mean trash it. I don’t blame you for leaving that place when you lost the title…”

“Plus, you forgave them when you went back there…” Ally

I could only laugh at this reminder.

“Yes, that place is where I began to really grow into my own but if it’s so fucking special, when how come come I left? I know the answer as to why I did…”

I paused, soaking in much of the heartbreak that I was still feeling from that place. It was incredibly difficult for me to look back at what was otherwise a strong portion of my career. It was painful to the point of nearly coming to tears remembering all of the amazing times that I had, how jubilant and happy that I was when I became a world champion and how confident I felt the more I defended that title. But the most painful part of all was how it all ended way too soon. What was burning in the back of my brain was how nothing was ever the same after my reign was reduced as a stepping stone to someone else’s big retirement moment… and how I was reduced to just another wrestler on the roster afterward….

“...how come I didn’t stay when I went back?”

Christy and Ally awkwardly looked at each other before they looked back at me.

“...let me tell you of the night I finally decided to call SCW back…”

February 2023

Mainstream Wrestling was holding a luncheon before their show in East Lansing and while the food was great, I was isolated and miserable. I was holding a glass of punch watching everyone else in the company mingle. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach that I wasn’t happy to be there.

“Why did I bother coming back?” I think to myself. “I should be treated like a bigger deal than they treat me. I’m a former world champion. I’m even a Hall of Fame member here, damn it! Yet, they continue to act like I’m just another face on the roster. They continue to insult my intelligence and continue to think that because I’m a Hall of Fame member, that I have nothing left to achieve. They hired all these bimbos in the room to replace me and they moved on acting like nothing I did here matters…”

“Julianna, hello…” a management official says, catching my by surprise. “You’re all alone. Is everything okay?”

“Nothing has been okay here since I lost the World Championship more than a year and a half ago…”

“Oh Jesus, Julianna. You’re still not over that?”

“Sir, kindly hear me out…”

“Okay…”

“I lost the world title to someone that got to retire as champion and it was so humiliating for me that I left because I know I am better than being reduced as a footnote to someone else’s journey. But between that loss and my departure, I wasn’t booked in another match. There was a tournament for the vacant title that you left ME out of… and I thought, hey maybe I could face the tournament winner or something. Nope. You picked someone else even though I had the right to a rematch.”

The official was starting to look very uncomfortable.

“It angered me and I left. Let me remind you sir, that you called ME when it came to the Hall of Fame and coming back here. I didn’t call you because I didn’t need you. YOU… called me! I’m willing to let bygones be bygones so I accept my Hall of Fame ring and what have you done with me? You’ve booked me in singles matches against mainly nobodies. You’ve booked me in clusterfucks. I feel like you brought me back just so I can be the stepping stone to all of these bitches you hired after I left…”

“No no… it’s not like that at all…” Mainstream’s representative says. “I understand why you would feel underappreciated and why you feel like a stepping stone. But I promise you, you’re not. I’ll tell you what, how about I give you something you’ll appreciate.”

“Which is?”

“A shot at the Mainstream Television Championship…”

He suddenly became spooked when I looked at him like I wanted to murder him.

“Come again?” I asked.

“...I want to give you another shot at the TV title…”

“FUCK YOU!” I screamed as I flipped over the dessert table, spilling and breaking everything that was on it and catching the attention of everyone else, who looked completely stunned. “I don’t WANT a shot at the FUCKING TV TITLE…”

“Julianna calm down…”

“DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! The TV title is a FUCKING INSULT! I NEVER got my rematch for the world title and if you want to make it up to me, THAT’S what you fucking give me! Don’t low ball me with this crap about the TV title!”

“You have to earn it, Julianna…” he said, panicked, ticking me off further.

“Stop fucking LYING to me…” I snapped back. “Why won’t you just tell me that you brought me back to be a nostalgia act? Because that’s exactly what you did. I busted my ass for this company the first time I was here and rose up the ladder and all you’ve done is start me off at fucking square one acting like what I accomplished here doesn’t matter! I WAS, and still SHOULD BE, THE top woman in this company but all you give a shit about is turning me into a stepping stone to make women lesser than I am look SO much better than they actually are and I am WAY better than being told to be a stepping stone to bitches that will NEVER measure up to me or the impact that I made here!”

“You’ve got it all wrong…” he says with a nervous laugh.

“Oh do I? Then how come you’re shoving me down the ladder to compete for the TV title… a title that means NOTHING to me? How come you’re throwing me in these random ‘title contendership clusters’ with at least five other wrestlers when I should’ve gotten a rematch for the world title when I walked right back in the door…”

“...you STILL have to earn that…”

“Even though YOU shut me out of a rematch after I lost to the fucking nostalgia act?”

“Well… um…”

“The moment I lost that title, you wanted to move on from me like I was worthless trash and you wanted to focus your company around the good ol’ boys club again. Now that I’m back, you want to treat me like I’m past my prime! For FUCK’s sake, I’m only 28!.”

“Julianna… please! I’m almost begging you at this point. Give things time! Things will get better! You worked your way up the ladder and there’s no doubt that you’ll do it again! Just please give us time…”

“I’ve given you ENOUGH time…” I said as I began to walk away. “I’m DONE!”

“Julianna, PLEASE!”

“No, I’m DONE! FOR GOOD! I am NOT your fucking nostalgia act and I am NOT someone to throw away as a thing of the past! I’m DONE with your fucking games! I’m going to go somewhere else and SHOW YOU what you’re missing out on! GOOD RIDDANCE!”

I burst through the door leading to the parking lot, leaving the luncheon, and Mainstream Wrestling, for good. On a whim, I dialed a Nevada based phone number I saved on my phone.

“Hello?” I said after a deep breath. “Hi! It’s Julianna DiMaria. Can you get Mark or Christian to call me back ASAP? Yeah… I’m a free agent now…”

Little did I know when I placed that bet on myself and left Mainstream for SCW, I would hit the jackpot…

November 22, 2023

“They really did suck your passion dry with the way they were treating you…” Ally admitted.

“They took you for granted…” Christy added. “But we’re so glad you got that passion back and look at you know…”

“I’m not going to let it happen again…” I said with anger in my voice. “I’m not about to lose another world title to another nostalgia act. That experience in Mainstream… it still fuels me, girls. It’s motivating me to continue to show those people what they missed out on even though they are dead and buried. And speaking of dead and buried…”

I picked up the box consisting of my Mainstream Wrestling memories and was about to make another attempt at the trash can…

“JULIANNA” both of my friends exclaimed. “Don’t…”

“I want NOTHING to do with that fucking company EVER again! It means NOTHING to me anymore! Why should I remember something that never appreciated me and was willing to throw me away so fast? They basically told me that all of my hard work and all the dedication I gave to that company was meaningless. It’s all meaningless, girls…”

“That’s not true…” Christy says. “Did it end how you wanted it to? No. But that’s the place where the world truly came to know what Julianna DiMaria is all about.”

“You can’t take that away from them…” Ally says. “It made you stronger and better in the long run… or at least overcoming what they put you through and how they mistreated you did.”

“Yet, the anger… the heartbreak… it’s still in my soul. Like I said earlier, they were supposed to be my home for life…”

“Don’t you think SCW can be that for you?” Christy adds, triggering something in me that finally got me to calm down even a little bit. “They get to be what Mainstream should’ve been. You can retire tomorrow and they’ll never forget what you accomplished in just six short matches there.”

“Yeah, hashtag “Jules in Six” is never going away… and nobody can take it away from you. It’s literally your best career moment that overshadows everything in Mainstream. Period! You PROVED you were always better than them. Take pride in that!”

“Yeah, Ally’s right, Jules. You made the right move to move on. Be better than them still. Trashing them makes you just as bad.”

I let out a soft sigh at this point as I removed my Hall of Fame ring from my hand and tossed it in the box with all the other memories. This spooked them for a moment.

“Girl, don’t throw that ring in the trash…” Ally says.

“I won’t…” I said with a reluctant sigh. “Tape that up and take it downstairs to the storage room, will you? At least there’s SOME value with that which is more than I can say for those other two companies I dumped in the trash”

My best friends were the ones breathing a sigh of relief now. They both nodded at me and took the box out of the room and down the stairs. I went to the corner and sat down on it, briefly reflecting on a part of my journey that I was hating for its ending, yet was able to come to terms with it a little bit even if I wasn’t fully over it yet.

“Mainstream will always be where I won my first and where I started to realize my potential…” I admitted in my thoughts. “But that pathetic, small time company was just a stop along the way that’s being overshadowed by what I’m doing now…”

I could finally smile remembering the great times that are ongoing in SCW.

“Mercedes isn’t going to have one last moment of glory at my expense…”

I held that determination inside of my as that title match drew closer…

November 24, 2023

I had the camera on me as I stayed in my luxurious room in the Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix, not far from Tempe. Mercedes Vargas was firmly on the brain now… but so was the experience in my past with how my first World Championship reign as a professional wrestler ended to a retiring coward. This was fueling my motivation and my anger as I began to express my thoughts…

“Nearly two and a half years ago, long before I came to SCW, I lost my first world championship to an over the hill piece of shit that just wanted one last moment of glory. This Sunday? I’m in that same situation facing someone like that… and YES… Mercedes… I am talking about you. JUST like that person that beat me back in July of 2021, you are NOT deserving of this title shot in front of you. You are NOT deserving to the main event spotlight. But UNLIKE then, I AM going to win this time. I AM going to turn away the nostalgia act and I am NOT about to allow YOU to have one last spark at my expense. That’s not going to happen! I REFUSE to let it happen. I know that when I got my title shot, there was all of this talk about how I didn’t deserve it! I recall people talking about how I was basically the least deserving Bombshell on the roster. But they shouldn’t have been talking about ME, Mercedes! They should’ve been talking about YOU!

After all, 2023 is almost over and you’ve only won FOUR matches… FOUR! I have won nearly DOUBLE the matches during my run of dominance than you have ALL YEAR and I’ve only been here since the damn summer! Add on the fact that literally HALF of your wins are against Samantha Marlowe and Seleana Zdunich, the other two women that I called WASHED a couple of Climax Controls ago, and I am honestly wondering what the fuck you’re still doing on this roster. It can’t be passion because from what I have studied about you, you’re literally the same person now that you were ten years ago with little, if any, hints of evolving as a professional wrestler. It can’t be the fact that you’ve even improved because holy hell, when was the last time you held a singles match in this company? I get it. You were a GRIME World Champion in Sin City Underground, but that’s like winning the EFL Championship across the pond: cool story bro… but all it proves is that you can win in the B league. The last time you were even a champion in SCW at ALL was when you were a Mixed Tag champion being carried by your partner… but SOMEHOW… you’re worthy of a title shot? Are you kidding me?

Even Mercedes and Seleana have been a singles champion in SCW more recently than you have! When it comes to being at the top tier of this division, even YOU would admit that you don’t have what it takes to be there anymore and it’s not just ME saying it. The bitch is, even though you’ve skirted and contradicted yourself on the subject, even YOU have said it yourself not just with your words, but with your actions. What’s the supposed most decorated Bombshell in SCW history doing wasting her time with Harper Mason, huh? Why is someone of your supposed caliber picking on teenagers and beating them with Singapore canes? What’s the matter? You’re afraid that you can’t beat the big fish anymore? Hell, I’d even say you’re afraid you can’t beat anyone other than rookies or the likes of Sam, Sel and Bea. But even with all of that, I’m going to say that the biggest reason why you don’t deserve this shot… and ultimately… why you WILL fall short against me?

Look, it’s not just how strong of a wrestler I am or the fact that I’m at the peak of my powers. It’s not even the fact that you’ve lost so many times this year, primarily. It’s because you don’t have the RESOLVE anymore! Yes, I AM questioning your resolve because one just needs to listen to your words from High Stakes to know that even YOU know you don’t stand a chance against me. No matter WHAT you say? You know… in your SOUL… that you don’t because prior to High Stakes? Yeah, I saw you admit that you weren’t mentally ready for High Stakes as you bitched and moaned about how you hadn’t won at that event in nearly a decade. So if you admitted you’re not mentally ready for that big stage, how can you possibly be ready for me? I saw you complain to Sam about how you’re both being passed over for ‘new flavors of the month’...”

I paused to scoff for a bit before I continued on.

“Reality check Mercedes… it’s not being passed over… it’s being passed BY! The ‘new flavors of the month’, especially me, have passed you by and I wouldn’t be shocked of Harper turns out to be another one that does. Someone that whines about being passed over has no resolve to make their situation better… especially when you’re questioning as to whether it’s even WORTH IT anymore. I mean… GOSH Mercedes, it sounds like going into your High Stakes match you were questioning and doubting yourself so much! Maybe that’s why people like me are passing you by in this company and in this division? You’re over there wondering to yourself if you’ll ever have the Internet Championship… or ANY title… around your waist ever again yet you want to contradict yourself saying that things will turn around you.

Please Mercedes…

Not even YOU believe that…

Not when later in that same promo you admitted you ‘weren’t mentally ready’. How can you believe in a turnaround if you’re not mentally there for it?

But each loss is a ‘learning opportunity’? HOW SO?

You're clearly not learning a fucking thing if you keep losing... and you clearly haven't learned a fucking thing in years considering all the losses you've racked up. You can act all brave and confident if you want, but you clearly showed that this was a front because you're ALREADY doubting yourself as far as being a champion again. If you weren't, you wouldn't be bringing this up at all. So don't come at me with a bunch of false promises and claims that you, yourself, know deep in your heart isn't true and will never come true again.

I mean you know it so damn much that prior to the Queen of the Day match at Violent Conduct, I swear to fucking God, you kept PLEADING and BEGGING for Tempest and Zoey Lukas to be suspended! Hell, your resolve is so weak you couldn’t even maintain your convictions about that match. One day, you’re pleading with the masses that you weren’t looking for an easy way out and the next you’re demanding that Christian suspend your opponents and declare you the winner… which… is an easy way out…

Let me tell you something about having a strong resolve though…

Those with a strong resolve don’t throw stones in glass houses and aren’t the pot calling the kettle black. I mean, going into Violent Conduct, you’re saying Christian has a “soft spot” for Seleana yet I’m wondering if that same “soft spot” applies to you. I mean, it would at least EXPLAIN why you have a title match you clearly haven’t earned or deserved. You’re bagging on Seleana’s win-loss record in 2023 and calling it pathetic… when you’re the one that’s lost more than three times than she’s won this year and once went months without a win. But still… the FUNNIEST thing you said about Seleana? Wasn’t it something along the lines of how she’s getting undeserved opportunities when she should be opening shows against new competition? I mean that’s TRUE, Mercedes, but it SORELY lacks credibility when it’s coming from YOU because OH LOOK… here YOU are getting an undeserved opportunity on Sunday when you should be the first one out of the curtain trading Singapore cane shots with Harper Mason!

But hey, stay in denial Mercedes. Keep saying that SCW needs you more than you need it… which… I think ALL of us can say that’s a fucking joke.

Keep thinking you’re a dynasty… even though you no longer are. I mean, dynasties don’t go YEARS without a championship… and dynasties accomplish more than have a handful of mostly one month long championship reigns like what you have across your career and any semblance of WHATEVER deluded dynasty you once had basically died in my rookie year of being a mainstream wrestler… in 2017. But I suppose I should give you credit to a degree, Mercedes. Because when you’re NOT in denial, and when you’re NOT being delusional, your resolve… brittle as it is, CRACKS… and you actually DO recognize your reality. I mean, how can I take you seriously when you go off on your little speech about how you’re going to win one more World Championship whenever you release your promo when going into your match against Harper Mason, you even admitted that people don’t see you as a threat anymore AND you also admitted that you may not be winning another title anytime soon.

Look, I know you’ve heard the speech about how people overlook you and how nobody believes in you and all of that… and I get it. You’re tired of hearing it because it seems like that’s all you’ve heard for years. But the truth is… I’ve just outlined how you don’t even believe in yourself and maybe THAT’S why you’ve been nothing but stagnant for all these years as Bombshells like me come in, take this place by storm, and pass you by. Maybe that’s why you never TRULY learn from your losses… because all those losses have piled up so badly that not only do you not believe in yourself anymore… but it is that lack of faith in yourself that prevents you from growing with age. Maybe after I defeat you tonight and conquer a couple of demons of my own along the way this Sunday… you may finally begin to wake up and acknowledge how you truly feel about yourself. Whatever insecurities that have leaked out of your mouth and your soul in your recent promos such as High Stakes and your match with Harper, I’m about to take and I am about to amplify them because what I see is a woman that KNOWS she’s cooked, but needs JUST enough of a push to realize that she is and that either she needs to FINALLY grow and evolve… or just admit that she’s overstayed her welcome.

You’ve already lost this match in my book Mercedes… because you don’t think you can win against me. The only reason why you won at High Stakes even though you weren’t mentally ready is because Sam Marlowe has a worse self-esteem issue regarding her career at the moment than you do. You can get away with it against someone like Sam, but against me? The woman that BELIEVED IN HERSELF and KNEW she deserved that world title shot at High Stakes, who MAINTAINED her conviction in herself no matter WHO she faced in that SCW ring along the way, the woman that KNEW she was going to be the ONE that beat “THE ONE”... TWICE… and who KNOWS that she’s the champion that can shake up this division as she has so far? NOPE!

I KNOW going into this title defense that I’m facing a woman that is far more broken about her career and her remaining worth in this business than she will EVER admit and it will be my great pleasure, in my second title defense this Sunday, to be the one that breaks you FOR GOOD… and I’m NOT talking physically, Mercedes… though I am capable of doing that too. I’m talking about psychologically! THAT is where you will be PERMANENTLY broken when I’m done with you. This Sunday? You might as well start calling it the beginning of the Mercedes Vargas Farewell tour… because when I’m done with you? You’re going to go from questioning whether you’ll ever win a title again to REALIZING that you’ll never win a title again… ESPECIALLY the one you’re challenging for on Sunday!

You’re about to find out exactly how weak your resolve has been all along and why someone like you could NEVER… EVER win against someone of my caliber!

I admit that Sunday might not be your swan song exactly…

But maybe, just maybe, when I’m done with you and I break whatever resolve you have left?

I might as well start pushing you to warm the band for that…”

I scoffed once more and maintained my full confidence feeling like Sunday was going to be another notch on my belt in my still-fledgling SCW career…

But most importantly?

I felt like Sunday I was finally about to put some nearly two and a half year demons from before my time in SCW to bed once and for all…

With that thought in mind, I shut off my camera and felt ready to heal from that aforementioned painful experience.

I’ve heard it all…

“You’re nothing”

“You’re nobody”

“You’re not capable of this”

“You’re never going to amount to anything”

“You’re in over your head”

“Someone like you can’t accomplish this”

I’ve heard this from opponents before in the many years I’ve been in this business and yet it doesn’t bother me. How in the world could it bother me when I would hear that day after day, time after time, from the one person that makes all of them look like child’s play?

I can hear him say that to me even now… even though he’s gone… regarding High Stakes.

After all, he did the same thing before I won my first world title…

Ready to be proven wrong again, father?

March 2021

Days prior to my huge MAINSTREAM World Championship match, I was massively angry. I got out of my car when I arrived at my father’s garage and I could already feel myself shaking. I didn’t have to knock on the door because he was right there and as I approached him, he was already smirking.

“I got your voicemail…”

My father laughed.

“You know, the one where you told me I have no chance of winning and how you wish I was never born and all of that nonsense?”

“You don’t Jules… you’re not tough enough, or strong enough. Your opponent is a massive name across the industry for one.”

“So what if they’re dominant? They haven’t beaten me…”

“Yet… and the thing is, you’re a mentally fragile little bitch too! Case in point! You couldn’t handle what I said in my voicemail and you’re coming right at me, face to face. You’ve had how many chances to break the glass ceiling and you’ve always failed?”

I was less sad and more angry at this point, yet I was calm enough to throw logic back in his face.

“So the fuck what? I’m BETTER than I’ve ever been. I may have been ‘mentally fragile’, but YOU made me that way. I didn’t come here to fight over the voicemail. I came here to tell you that I’ve become that much stronger mentally that I don’t give a flying FUCK what you think! You can fluff up my opponent, you can put me down like you always have but you have made me cry for the LAST TIME! You’re going to watch me win my first world title and you’re going to like it because people like you? You don’t get to control me anymore! You don’t get to determine my self-worth…”

“Holy crap, it’s that warped bisexuality of yours coming out of your ass…” my father told me, obviously trying to anger me.

“WOW, I’m bisexual… GET OVER IT! I am who the fuck I am and if you don’t support that, it’s YOUR loss! Attacking me for my sexuality? Really? Is that how pathetic you’ve become?”

My father just scoffs at me.

“You have NO POWER over me anymore and WHEN I win my first world championship…”

“Shut the fuck up, you switch hitting FREAK…”

This angered me to the point where I grabbed him and pinned him against the wall. He was too surprised to react fast enough.

“For ONCE you’re going to listen to ME! WHEN I win my first world championship, that whole narrative I’ve had for my whole career where I can’t break the ceiling and you get to laugh at me? GONE! It’s going to be a beginning of a new phase of my career which YOU miss out on because your toxic poison no longer affects me! Got it? Good!”

I let him go as he took in what I said for a moment

“Keep being delusional, Jules! I clearly did something wrong for God to punish me with a disordered, deviant fuck up of a bisexual daughter…”

“I hope someone shoots you in the fucking head…” I blurted out as I walked away from him. I’m not sure which silence was better: his stunned silence when I said that… or the one he had when I proved him wrong…

If my biggest abuser couldn’t stop me… then there’s no way Courtney, nor anyone else in SCW, will either…

Last Weekend…

I was still panicked and waiting at the hospital for any word about my mother and how her surgery went. Luckily, I wasn’t alone. Through all of my anxiety, Christy and Ally were there for me. They had each given me a hug and encouraged me to pull through this.

“What if something goes wrong?” I asked with worry in my voice. “What if she has an aneurysm? Or goes into shock? What if they discover that the cancer has spread somewhere else? I can’t take this, you guys…”

Ally wraps an arm around her.

“How can I concentrate on one of the biggest matches of my career knowing that a vapid bitch like Courtney is going to do everything in her power to verbally put me down like her words mean a shit? It’s bad enough having to hear someone like her with her bullshit!”

“Julianna, that’s your anxiety over your mother talking…” Christy reminds me. “You normally don’t care about what people say about you.”

“Yeah…” Ally adds. “You’re better than this. Your mom wouldn’t be happy with you right now hearing you talk like that and we all know it…”

I needed to hear this from Ally. I bit the bottom of my lip for a bit and then sighed, knowing that Ally was right on the money. I shook my head and composed myself.

“You’re both right. I’m letting this get to me too much. I’m sorry…”

“Don’t be sorry. You’re just scared for your mom. It’s completely natural. On top of the fact that she’s your mom, she’s also the one that psychologically trained you to be a wrestling champion.”

“But that doesn’t give you an excuse to worry about what Courtney has to say or what she’s going to say…” Ally adds on.

“I get it, but why are you worrying so MUCH about that?” I asked her.

“You’re Julianna DiMaria, damn it…” Christy reminds me. “You’re that ‘don’t give a fuck’ bitch that doesn’t give a fuck about other people’s feelings. You clearly didn’t care about Dawn’s, or Roxi’s or Ariana’s. You took your shots from them and you still didn’t give a fuck. Just because Courtney is the champion doesn’t mean you actually have to give her words any credence!”

“Christy has it dead on! Worrying about your mom is messing with your head. You can’t let what she’s going through do that! You’re just giving Courtney power she doesn’t deserve to have if you decide you want to worry too much about her stupid, uninspired words about you.”

“Besides, you were going through that nonsense with your dad before you won the MAINSTREAM world title, remember? But you didn’t give HIM power and you didn’t give your opponent a window to beat you.”

I was starting to feel that fire coarse through my veins at this point. I was beginning to realize that remembering exactly what got me my first world championship was going to be a huge help to giving me the guidance to winning at High Stakes.

“I separated one thing from the other… but that was my Dad… who I hated. I actually love my mother, you know.”

“I know it’s hard, but don’t let your vulnerability about your mother have your guard down for High Stakes…” Ally adds. “Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Besides, would you have won the two world championships that you have on your resume if you did?”

“I was as cool as a cucumber for the most part…” I admitted. “I remember going into that Mainstream world title match with the opportunity that I earned from that rumble match and not once was I worried about falling short. I wasn’t worried about the critics for a change and I damn sure wasn’t worrying about my father. He had long been kicked out of my head. And I can only remember how amazing it was when I finally overcame him…”

March 2021

“Congratulations honey… I’m so proud of you!”

My mother was with me backstage shortly after I had won the Mainstream World Championship. Being a world champion for the first time ever was simply surreal, but to share this moment with my mother made it that much more special.

“Mom… thank you so much for being the one that always believed in me!”

I was crying and I sure as hell wasn’t hiding it.

“Right now I’m just thinking about all the pain and all the hurt that my dad put me through for years…”

My mother was beginning to tear up.

“...how he would always tell me I would never amount to anything, that I was a disgrace to his family, and most recently… trying to use my sexuality against me.  He treated me like I was worth nothing but now that I have this title… now I know how WRONG he is! I FINALLY shut him up! I’m FINALLY above him! I’m FINALLY able to move on with my life and my career without EVER having to worry about him hurting me again!”

“You’re damn right…” my mother says with tears of joy in her eyes.

“Thank you mom…” I said without hesitation. “...not just for believing in me, but for the tough love you gave me three months ago when I wanted to quit wrestling over one loss to someone I should’ve beaten.”

“You did need it…” she says with a laugh.

“In order for this to be possible I had to grow up and I had to quit being a victim and once I caught on, I realized that all the crap my dad was saying about me and everything all the haters I have in wrestling were saying… it was just noise. The more that I heard that I didn’t have what it took to be a world champion, the easier it was for me to just ignore it all. What you did for me mother… was teach me that a setback isn’t the end of the world. You taught me that failure should be a learning process and not something to make you give up and die…”

“I’m so proud of you for finally getting it…” my mother says with pride in her eyes.

“Mom, I’m gong to promise you right now that I’m NEVER going back to the person that I was. I’m NEVER going to act like the victim again! I’m NEVER going to think that the world is out to get me and that I’m doomed to be the bridesmaid when I have proven to myself that I can always be the bride of every fucking wedding I’m a part of. Your tough love is what built me into a world champion and I’m never, EVER going to forget this.”

“Good! But remember… times aren’t always going to be this great. The unforeseen obstacles never stop. They’ll come back for you, you know this. And when they do? You better stay strong and not allow the moment to get to big for you. Don’t let anyone or anything pull you back into that darkness again…”

“I promise…” I told my mother as we exchange another hug.

Last Weekend

That promise was at the front and center of my conscience and THAT was my big eye opening moment.

“Julianna…” Ally said loudly grabbing my attention. I snapped out of my thoughts and saw the doctor in front of me.

“Ms. DiMaria… the surgery was successful and your mother’s ready to see you. The cancer didn’t spread. We took the kidney out in time.”

“THANK GOD” I said before I basically bolted from the waiting room and walked down the hallway as fast as I could to find my mother lying in her bed. She was awake and alert and I wasted no time walking up to her and hugging her.

“MOM… oh thank god… you’re okay!”

“Didn’t I tell you?” she asks with a laugh.

“I’m so glad that nothing went wrong…”

“Same here… but what about you?” she asked me, confusing me for a bit.

“Mom, this isn’t about me…”

“Focus on YOU right now. You’re what? A week away from Courtney?”

“I had a moment where I was overwhelmed…” I admitted with a sigh. “But I’m okay now. It still sucks that you can’t go to Vegas to watch me beat her…”

“No worries! We can celebrate your win when we get back to San Diego, alright? I don’t give a shit about what Courtney has to say about you. I don’t care if she’s accomplished this or that. For this particular match, it hardly means anything. You can do this, Julianna. You WILL do this. You want that match so damn bad… so much so that there’s no way someone like her is going to beat you.”

My mother grabs my hand and gives me a reassuring smile, even through all the anesthesia that is still in her system.

“Mom, I am NOT going to let such a shallow empty shell of a person beat me…” I said with an angry determination in my voice. “I WANT to be in this moment. She doesn’t… at least not as badly as I do. Seeing you okay… it erased any worries or anxiety I might have had about that match and I don’t give a flying fuck what she thinks because people like her? They’re going through their own pain and they feel the need to deflect it on other people. I know this because I used to do the same thing. This title that I’m about to win… it’s for US…”

“No honey, don’t make it about us. This is about you…”

“Mom…”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. You do your thing the way I know you can.”

“Mom, I’m serious! I get it! Normally, I would be with the whole ‘don’t worry about me’ speech, but NOT this time! I’ve told you so many times that I wouldn’t be where I am as a wrestler if it wasn’t for you and damn it, you gave up your own career for me! You hung up the wrestling boots yourself as soon as I came into this world and you never looked back! You deserved your own flowers because you were MORE than good enough to be the best women’s wrestler in the world in your day! You’ve given me more than enough, mother! I’ve got to give back for once! I WILL give back! I’ll give you those damn flowers you’ve always deserved… that you sacrificed for me! If THAT doesn’t tell you how serious I am about winning that title for both of us, then I don’t know what the hell will!”

My mother definitely seemed touched that I was thinking about her and remembering all the sacrifices that she made for me.

“My little crown jewel really has grown up, hasn’t she?” she asks with a laugh. “Okay. For us! If it means that much to you!”

“It means the WORLD to me…” I admitted as I sat down next to her and just held her hand and did the best that I could to comfort her.

As great as this moment was… the best part was I was experiencing this burning passion in my heart to win at High Stakes… one that I never felt before…

Friday…

In my hotel room, I was reflecting on what Courtney Pierce has had to say about me leading up to this championship match at High Stakes. I wasn’t even feeling angry whatsoever. I let those words marinate in my mind. If I wasn’t angry, was I amused? I sure didn’t feel like anything she said was funny. But I dug deep in my mind a little further and then I discovered the one thing that I was feeling in regards to Courtney…

Disappointment…

And when I turned the camera on, I was ready to let her have it.

“That’s IT, Courtney?

That’s THE ONE that you try so hard to be? THAT’S the SCW Bombshells World Champion that has dominated for months? What in the actual fuck? I came into this with the attitude that I’m a better wrestler than Courtney Pierce because I’m FAR more passionate of a wrestler than she is and because she’s in her own head, completely insecure with herself and feeling the need to put other people down to compensate because even though she’s been the world champion for X amount of months, she’s STILL harping on the dark days of her career. Courtney, after hearing what you had to say? I’m not even mad.

I’m very disappointed.

I thought that even for your obvious lack of passion or any desire to compete against me, you would at least come in with the same fire that you’ve shown before and show that you actually give a shit. Granted, most of your promos are formulaic. It’s always a combination of crying about the past, blaming other people for your problems, crying about a lack of respect, bragging about what you’ve accomplished as champion and tearing down the other person with the same old ‘you don’t deserve it’ rant. Sure enough, that’s exactly what that was because what you proved to me when you said what you did?  You proved BOTH reasons why I know I’m better than you and why I KNOW I will win this Sunday…

ESPECIALLY having any sort of passion for this at all. You see Courtney, one of the first rules about being a champion is KNOWING your opponent and what you proved is that you don’t know the first thing about me. Literally YOUR best argument… the ONE thing that you harped on for why you think you are THAT much better than ne… is that SUPPOSEDLY, nobody cares about me.

Really?”

I scoffed at this, dismissing it entirely.

“THAT’S IT? First off, I don’t give a FUCK if people give a shit about me or not. I didn’t come here to impress people. I didn’t come here to make friends. I came here to do the thing that I am about to do on Sunday and that’s become a world champion in SCW. You base your supposed superiority over me based on an OPINION, not on anything that has actually happened in the ring. Literally the only thing you’ve said about what I’ve actually done IN THE RING is bringing up my victories and saying “not impressive”. That’s it. NO PASSION! NO DEDICATION! NOTHING! And you know what the bitch is about this, Courtney? I SAID that you don’t give a fuck, that you don’t have the passion for this… and not only did you prove me right, you ADMITTED IT! You straight up said that it was hard to get excited for this match… YOU SAID IT!  And you say it’s because I’m new and because because I’ve beaten ‘nobody impressive’. Bitch, are you KIDDING ME? THAT is your excuse? THAT is your reasoning behind the 'nobody' nonsense? Because SUPPOSEDLY only two of my five wins are credible?

Who are YOU to talk about CREDIBILITY, Courtney? Do you need me to go down the list of your defenses again?

Your credible defenses are against whom? Ariana who was so skittish about getting the shot that she was talking about how she didn't deserve it? Devona, who was such a flash in the pan that she probably doesn’t win Blast from the Past if the other Bombshell finalist was someone other than Dawn Warren? You literally just admitted to a lack of passion and care for this title match and THAT right there is exactly why you will lose! You're NOT MOTIVATED! This proves it once and for all! I KNEW it the whole time, but I didn’t actually think you’d ADMIT IT! Now, as far as my wins are concerned I beat who I put in front of me. I control only what happens in the ring once the match is booked. Tt just so happens that my first three matches were against the most recent challengers for the Roulette or Internet titles at the time in Laura and Dawn respectively… and against your predecessor. Sure, small sample size, but at least I can say that in my first three matches, I beat a challenger or a former champion in all THREE divisions and not even YOU can say that. But hey, if what I’ve done in SCW so far is not motivating enough for you, then that's a YOU problem.

That’s not MY fault. I don’t book my own matches or try to the way half of the damn Bombshells locker room does. I simply show up, take care of business by any means necessary against ANYONE they put in front of me. I do the job that I set out to do. Don’t blame ME for YOUR lack of motivation Courtney… the same lack of motivation that is CLEARLY going to cost you in the end.

Besides, who are you to talk about credibility filling up your defense list against the Arianas and the Zoeys of the world? In fact, other than those two, who has stepped up and either demanded a title shot rematch or booked themselves in a fight against you? Where is everyone else chomping at the bit to face you. There's ME... but BESIDES me? WHO is there? WHO ELSE could it have been? And come to think of it, who would even WANT to face a champion that has just admitted that she's not motivated for this. Who the fuck would want to face a champion that can’t even bother showing up for television when she’s not even booked? But let me get back to the question of ‘who else is there?’

Besides me… obviously Team Hero has other things in mind.

The other Bombshells for the most part either don’t deserve to be in this match or are fighting for the other titles.

Legitimately the only other possibility you can even consider for this spot besides me is Kayla Richards considering her reigns of dominance in the Internet title division but that’s it! I’m not saying that to reflect badly on me though. I KNOW I deserve to be here. Say that it’s too soon, but when you beat the FORMER Bombshells World Champion, that is MORE than enough to deserve this and I’m going to tell you the same thing I told my father once: I don’t give a flying FUCK what you think because all you know how to do is say a bunch of empty words that don’t mean a thing… especially when there is no passion behind them.

And they sure don’t when you keep on repeating them… you know… the words like “nobody”... and the whole “in over your head” thing…

The words don’t mean shit when you keep repeating them as you do with how you fluff up your accomplishments every damn promo.

They sure don’t mean a damn thing when you’re talking about how you’re trying to find a spark with me but you can’t…

I’m not worth your time?

YOU problem!

You can’t find a spark with me?

YOU problem! But that’s the thing Courtney… let me ask you something…

WHY do you need ME, or anything about ME, to give you a spark to motivate you about this match? Because if you were every bit as credible of a world champion as you so desperately want to be, you don’t look to ME to find that spark to motivate you… YOU LOOK TO YOURSELF!

YOU build your own fucking spark! YOU provide your own damn motivation! It’s not MY fault that you are completely incapable of doing that for this match because you’ve got your head and your ego shoved so far up your ass and you think you’re THAT superior to me. Literally the only motivation you could even have is “arrive, show up, wrestle, win, leave, repeat”. That’s literally the whole point of THE ONE… just dominate everything and fucking go home, right? What happened to all the “lack of respect” you kept drowning yourself in that you pathetically used to push yourself, huh? Not even THAT is coming out of the playbook? Do you have ANY idea just how badly you are setting yourself up for failure here? You, being the hypocrite that you are, talk about how it’s not your fault when your challengers “choke” against you and basically that it’s their problem not yours, but you want to blame ME for being unmotivated.

Fluff yourself up Courtney, puff out your chest. Brag about this, brag about that. It won’t bother me. I know it’s the cheapest trick in the book to make yourself look scarier than you actually are. I don’t see big, scary dominant champion when it comes to you. I see an unmotivated sack of bullshit taking out her insecurities on me simply because she can and because instead of finding her own damn spark, would rather whine and complain about who she’s facing at High Stakes acting as if it’s the biggest injustice to the Bombshell title ever. That’s right Courtney, keep making yourself the victim and acting like the universe is out to get you, just like you always do.

Continue to trap yourself in your own hubris as you continue to have no idea who the fuck I am. Continue to be ignorant of what I’m about. Continue, in all honesty, to be the anchor of the Bombshells division that replaced the old anchor that held it back for years. Congratulations Courtney, you became ANOTHER Roxi Johnson in terms of holding back the division and stymying any real progress because holy crap, if I could sum up your entire promo? It’s literally two things: “I am the one because of all these people that I’ve beaten and all of this that I accomplished” with a whole bunch of chest puffing and “I am going to beat Julianna because I’ve beaten better people and I’m better than her because nobody cares about her”

Mix in some whining about lack of motivation and BOOM, you TOO can cut a Courtney Pierce promo aspiring 17 year old wrestling school trainee…

You’re really just a diet version of my own father when it’s all said and done because at least when HE tried to run me down and say the same old shit you’ve regurgitated at least HE hated me with a passion and guess what? I’m going to shut YOU up the same way I shut HIM up and it’s going to be just as amazing! But that’s not my main motivation. You think I’m playing about having the heart and the passion for this and wanting this more than you do?

You fight for your damn ego and acting like it’s another day in the damn office for you…

ME? This isn’t just for me! My mother just got her kidney removed after dealing with cancer there for a second time. This match is for HER too! GOD, if only she COULD be at High Stakes but she’ll be there for me in spirit! That woman sacrificed everything for me and winning this championship from you at High Stakes to give back to her for not just giving birth to me and raising me, but for effectively saving my career when it was at rock bottom at one point? THAT’S my motivation! THAT is what is driving me! It’s not just YOUR lack of motivation and passion for this match and for the championship that you hold… it’s MY fire… MY fuel… MY motivation! Hell, I’ll even be honest and say that I want this for my mother more than I want this for me because unlike YOU at least I know how to fight with a damn purpose.

At least I took the time to actually KNOW who you really are. At least I’m NOT some insecure little BITCH that doesn’t know a damn thing about what it’s like to REALLY move the needle in the Bombshells division. You had plenty of time to prove you can be that ‘move the needle’ champion, but sorry not sorry Courtney… ultimately? The only one that was in over her head all along was you…

When I was a world champion where I was a world champion, I changed the game. I obliterated the status quo. I became the measuring stick! I became the champion that EVERYONE and their mothers wanted to dethrone. When I was previously a world champion, I stepped into the ring and I got shit done: no complaints, no excuses, no admitting that I had no motivation for this…

And come Sunday, I’m about to do it all over again! I’m going to make history! I WILL be the SCW Bombshells World Champion at YOUR expense and you’re going to have NOBODY to blame but yourself. You made your own damn bed with your own self-loathing and insecurities, Courtney. You buried yourself in the hole with being passionless about this match and resorting to petty high school level insults and stupid, vapid opinions with virtually no substance.

YOU did that… not me…

But come Sunday?

Not only am I going to put the damn grave on your own burial…

But I’m going to make your title reign EXACTLY like the hotel I am staying in right now…

A MIRAGE!

Not bad for a “nobody”, right?

At this point, I shut off the camera…

No regrets…

No worries…

And the knowledge that I was about to shock the world at large… even if it never was a shocker for me…

Last Sunday

Julianna DiMaria is over the moon at the moment. Moments ago, in her own hometown nonetheless, she found out after Climax Control ended that she was going to be receiving a shot at the SCW Bombshells World Championship at High Stakes. Considering the proximity to San Diego, her mother joined her in Fresno. What was supposed to be just a regular, Sunday night dinner turned out to be something far more celebratory than planned. Currently, both are near done with dinner as Julianna’s mother breaks the ice.

“So, you’re going to talk about it now?” she asks.

“Talk about what?”

Her mother rolls her eyes in an amused manner.

“Oh right, the title shot. Well…” Julianna takes a pause for a brief moment to absorb the absolute shock of it all. “...THIS soon? At fucking High Stakes?”

“Sweetheart, let me be really honest with you…” her mother pauses as she grabs her hands. “...you act the way you do with your confidence and bravado with the camera on, but you really do underestimate yourself sometimes. We both know that you were going to get to a world championship level in your knew job someday.”

“But this soon?” Julianna says with a scoff. “I thought this was going to be a rebuilding thing. I thought this was going to take time. I figured I was going to have a long way to go considering that, when I signed, I was still trying to recover from last year and what I had been going through with NVR and…”

“None of that matters so much, Julianna…” her mother says with confidence. “You’ve always been strong enough to overcome any adversity thrown at you. You always have been ever since you got out of your personal rock bottom a few years back. I know what happened with NVR, being treated like a nostalgia act in Mainstream this year, and hat horribly sexist British company you were working for last year did a number on your confidence, but you’ve pulled through it. I understand being surprised by how fast it happened, but don’t be taking it for granted.”

“When you put it that way, yeah, maybe I do underestimate my own strength at times. BUT… I’ll tell you one thing, at least I can say that I earned it unlike the last bitch that had a title shot on one of their supershows.”

Julianna’s mother sighs and shakes her head with embarrassment.

“I can’t with her. You realize I had to change the channel when she was on, right?”

“...why? I’ve seen worse than her.”

“She reminds me so much of how you were earlier in your career when you had your father’s poison in your head… to a tee. I really don’t want to talk crap about the young lady, but that’s someone who doesn’t know how to be grateful for what she has and who doesn’t know a lick about handling adversity. But you do, Julianna. That’s why you’ve become the wrestler that you are now.”

Julianna is surprised to hear this from her own mother, considering the fact that she rarely gives such glowing compliments.

“I am not surprised that you’re getting a world title shot. I don’t care what anyone else says, but it’s not too soon for you and you have earned it. You’ve always been a fighter that has learned not just to stop giving a damn about what other people say about you, but to roll with the punches. I hated seeing you lack the ability to do this earlier in your career, but what I see is a young lady with her best years still ahead of her and who is about to become a world champion. So, when you go into that title match, don’t lose sight of that perspective. Remember where you came from, where you started, what you’ve overcome… and for god’s sake don’t regress and be that Ariana Angelos woman. You relapsing to that would hurt so much worse than you losing a world title match. I really…”

Mrs. DiMaria suddenly has a sudden pause.

“...I’m sorry Julianna, but I really have to use the bathroom again…”

“...that’s the third time in the last half hours. Mom, is something wrong?”

Her mother doesn’t give her any assurances when she bites her lower lip.

“Just think about what I just told you, okay? I’ll be right back.”

Julilanna’s mother heads to the bathroom while Julianna herself just takes a sip of some iced tea she ordered earlier.

“Maybe she just drank too much water…” Julianna says with a shrug, not thinking anything of the frequent restroom trips. This allows her to focus on her entire wrestling journey and not just the brief one that she’s had in SCW so far.

“It’s easy to remember when I used to be so bad at handling adversity like I was before…”

While she waits for her mother to return, Julianna takes a trip down memory lane.

Fall 2019

Julianna at the moment, just a week or so removed from her 25th birthday, is feeling nothing but shame as she glares at a sign that says “San Diego Psychiatric Clinic”. She happens to be in a therapy room with a psychiatrist that she has known for a while.

“How did this happen?” he asks her. “What in the world caused you to snap so much that your mother had to drag you here for an overnight stay? Were you on any kind of drugs, Julianna?”

“No…”

“Were you drunk?”

“I don’t drink, Dr. Montgomery…”

“So what happened? Talk to me. How does Julianna DiMaria go from a promising young prospect in the world of professional wrestling to being, honestly, a joke in Portland Pro Wrestling. I know you just lost a huge match that you HAD to win. Was it that?”

“It wasn’t losing the match…” Julianna says with sadness in her eyes. “I went home after the match and I went to see my mother. Right when I was about to knock on the door, she and my father were arguing about me. I heard my father tell my mother that I was a failure and that I should retire and become a porn star because I can ‘never break the ceiling’.”

“And that’s what made you break down the window and then attack him?”

“After he told my mother that I should’ve never been born and that knowing I existed made him feel like less of a man…”

Dr. Montgomery shakes his head.

“All this, just from a career that hasn’t been what you wanted.”

“Yeah…” Julianna admits.

“Let me tell you something, Julianna. Your father may be your trigger and I understand that. But ultimately, this all falls on you. Only you are responsible for your own actions. It’s an endless cycle with you: you put all this pressure on yourself to win a big match, you don’t. Then, you handle it horribly and take it out on everyone else. THEN, when your father chimes in and either makes fun of you or degrades you for losing that big match, you snap, you go into a dark place and… you REALLY did it this time. Attacking your father was one thing, but going as far as grabbing a glass shard from the window and threatening to cut yourself?”

Julianna can’t help but let the tears flow at this point.

“You’ve got to break the cycle. You’ve got to get a grip on the fact that it’s not the adversity itself that you face, it’s how you handle it. You’re going to run yourself out of this business within the next year the way you’re going… or WORSE. I am making a medical recommendation that you leave Portland Pro…”

“And let THEM win?” Julianna says stubbornly “...all they ever try to do is screw me…”

“Julianna, quit it with the victim complex. Being there is clearly not right for your mental health. There is far more things in life than winning some big match. Losing one certainly isn’t worth even THINKING about self-harming. You can’t let your father continue to have this hold over you. Losing a match does not prove him right and winning a match doesn’t prove him wrong. You have nothing to prove to him. You have to prove to yourself that you’re capable of reaching your full potential and the only way you’re going to do that is to learn to roll with the punches so much better, you understand that?”

“You make much sense, Dr. Montgomery. I feel so… horrible. I can’t believe I let things spiral that far out of control.”

“You don’t have to allow it to spiral out of control any further. You are the only one that truly defines what your purpose and your legacy is going to be… not your mother, not your father, not Portland Pro or any other wrestling company, not a match, not a wrestler… you! To put it bluntly in a way someone like you will understand: you can make adversity your bitch, or you can be adversity’s bitch. The choice is really up to you at the end of the day.”

Dr. Montgomery gets interrupted by the sudden presence of Mrs. DiMaria who has arrived to take Julianna back home.

“Now, I hope you think about what I’ve been telling you….”

“I will, Dr. Montgomery… I promise…”

Julianna is able to dry her own eyes before she leaves with her mother…

A little bit later…

There’s been some odd silence on the ride back home, but Julianna finally says something when her mother pulls up into the driveway.

“I’m so sorry mom…”

Her mother sighs.

“At this point, an apology can only do so much. What are you going to do differently, Julianna? It’s never gotten to this extreme, but your insecurities with your career are always coming back to bite you.”

“I’m going to leave Portland for starters…”

“Good. And?”

“I’m going to figure out how to be better. I’m a train wreck, mother. I admit this. I need to change. I need to be better than blaming everyone else for my problems. I need to start taking responsibility and I need to start being an adult and that’s exactly what I am going to do. I promise you…”

“I’m not the one you need to make any promises to.”

“Then… I’m going to make a promise to myself that I am going to break the cycle and I’m going to learn how to roll with the punches so I can be a better wrestler, but more importantly, be in a better place as a person.”

“You’re capable of anything you set your mind to, Julianna…” her mother reminds her. “Don’t let go of that…”

Julianna stays alone in the car for a small bit after her mother exits as she starts to think of how she’s turning her career around… which she obviously would in the months to come…

Last Sunday…

“I really have come such a long way from that rock bottom, haven’t I?” Julianna asks herself in her head.

“Sorry about that…” Mrs. DiMaria says as she comes back to the dinner table and sits across from her.

“Mom, are you SURE you’re okay? Don’t tell me something silly like “I had too much water this morning” because even then, three times in a half hour isn’t normal”

Julianna’s mother has a sullen look on her face.

“There’s something that I have to tell you…”

“Now? Mom, this is supposed to be celebrating the big news about High Stakes.”

“You’re on to something not being right. I’ve been having some back pain lately…”

“It’s not related to… wait…”

“I got my kidneys checked out and… the cancer that I had there that was in remission? It’s back…”

“...no….” Julianna says with a shocked gasp. “NO! Mom…”

“I’ve beaten it once, remember? So much good came out of it. With you, it really woke you up and made you learn not to take things for granted anymore. No worries, they caught it early just like they did last time.”

“That’s good!” Julianna says with a little more exuberance. “Thank god! You’re going to kick cancer’s ass… again!”

Mrs. DiMaria can only help but laugh given the grim situation she just unloaded on her.

“One more detail though. There won’t be any chemo this time. Julianna, bear with me on this… they’ve decided that removing the kidney completely is the better decision.”

Julianna’s jaw drops in shock, with her head spinning 100 miles an hour.

“We don’t want to risk cancer coming back for round three, do we?”

“Yeah… I get it… so… when is this happening?”

“A few weeks from now… a week and a half prior to your big title match in fact. I’m sorry to say that I more than likely won’t make that.”

“Don’t be sorry, mother. Take care of yourself first. You know I’d love for you to be there, but if you can’t, you can’t. I can’t help but be devastated for you. I mean, the frequent restroom trips make more sense but… I’m sorry, I feel like I’ve just been punched in the gut…”

“I understand, sweetheart…” she says as she grabs her hand. “But stay strong for me, alright? I know the first time around it weighed heavily on you but I need you to be just as strong with this if not stronger than before. Remember what you learned about rolling with the punches. This is just another one of those things. Don’t let my situation be a distraction for your wrestling goals, alright?”

“Mom, you know I am not going to be able to help it. I’ll be thinking about you plenty. But, I know exactly where the strength in my DNA comes from and she’s the parent that I still have in this world. I know this news is… a shock… but… we still have some happy news to celebrate, right?”

Her mother processes the conversation for a moment before she’s able to crack a smile.

“Of course, Julianna. You having a title shot on that kind of stage is definitely something to be happy and excited about. I don’t want you to be upset or sad about my situation. I want you to stay happy and stay focused with yours, okay? Can you promise me that you’re going to stay strong for me?”

“Of course I can! I’ve done it before when you were in this same situation and I’m going to do it again and if you can’t make it to High Stakes, then I know you’ll be there with me in spirit. If anything, I’ll do what I did last time: be inspired, not downtrodden, and to use that same inspiration to be a better wrestler and a better person!”

“That’s exactly what I wanted to hear sweetheart…”

Julianna exchanges a hug with her mother and the pair continue on with their evening.. Julianna certainly has much emotions to filter through knowing that she’s got a huge match coming up AND she’s got to balance that with the medical scare that she just learned about.

Still…

This is not an adversity that is going to weigh her down…

September 22

Julianna doesn’t know whether to be amused or serious as she finds herself in an abandoned psychiatric clinic in the outskirts of Fresno. No doubt she is reflecting on her rock bottom of her career at this point especially knowing the match that she has coming up. When she turns the camera on, she’s already thinking about Ariana Angelos, though it’s unclear whether she’s angry about how she’s carrying herself or not. Either way, she’s about to speak her mind.

“A wise man once told me that you can make adversity your bitch, or that you can BE adversity’s bitch. Ariana Angelos, I think with YOU, the choice is clear. You are, without a shadow of a doubt, the biggest disgrace to this division and this company as a whole besides the likes of Bea Barnhart and I am NOT speaking hyperbole, I am speaking facts. Let’s give the short version of this whole thing: you had a lucky draw from a random deck of cards for a world title shot against Courtney Pierce, Ruby Steele interfered, you lost. Been there, done that. You can cry ‘screwed’ all you want to, but what have you actually DONE about it besides whine and complain on social media and all over Climax Control? NOTHING!

In fact… ever since the turn of the year when you lost your Roulette Championship, NOTHING is basically what your career has amounted to, hasn’t it? Who in the FUCK are YOU to demand another title shot? For starters, you didn’t even deserve the one against Courtney at ALL! SURE, you can make the argument that it’s too soon for ME to get any sort of title shot, but at least I have wins to back it up… particularly one against Courtney’s predecessor. Hell, let me take it a step further. You didn’t even deserve the title shot you got against Roxi either. What if I told you that the last ONE ON ONE WIN that you had was that number one contender’s match against Zoey Lukas. First off, winning against the store brand Lukas to even BE the number one contender in the first place? Unimpressive… and you didn’t even PIN the woman! You won that match with a COUNTOUT! But SOMEHOW you think you deserve to even BE in the World Championship picture? Bitch, you don’t even deserve to be in the Internet championship picture… of SIN CITY UNDERGROUND… with the way you have wrestled all year. The last time you actually PINNED anyone in a one on one match was Jessie Salco when you defended the Roulette Championship… LAST YEAR! But you want to act like you deserve a world title shot? Hell, you don’t even deserve THIS opportunity. Kayla Richards, who has made you her BITCH for the better part of a year or so, deserves this more than you do and SOMEHOW, your entire situation is everyone else’s fault, right?

Maybe if you… I don’t know… WON matches without relying on countouts or HB Carter in mixed tags you would… I don’t know… MAYBE deserve it? SINCE you lost to Roxi… your singles matches ever since: Aleesha Jones… loss. Keira Fisher… loss. Kayla Richards… los…. again… One is a current champion, one is a former champion, one is a Hall of Famer. FINE, I suppose. But GEORGIE ROBERTSON?!?!?! You couldn’t even beat GEORGIE FUCKING ROBINSON? How the FUCK do YOU deserve to even be in the main event, or even come CLOSE to sniffing that when you couldn’t even beat Georgie fucking Robinson! That do nothing bitch is literally one of the FEW bombshells that a Bea Barnhart is capable of beating, and you can’t even beat HER?

But you deserve a title shot more than anyone else?

No…

Let me give you some reality here you ungrateful little bitch… with how you’ve been losing matches lately, it’s a wonder you even got a contendership match when you beat Zoey. Hell, I’m starting to think it may be a wonder that you are even employed at all. I mean, when your last one on one, non-countout, non-DQ singles win was LAST YEAR, girl… you’d be lucky to be employed as my own personal shoe shiner! But NO… you act like your shit doesn’t stink. You want to overexpose yourself on Climax Control last Sunday acting like you’re the star of the show when not only were you never even a BIG DEAL in SCU when that company existed… you weren’t even the biggest deal at Go Gym and by the way, great fucking job disgracing them with how you’ve been acting lately. You want to talk about being ‘screwed’ and how Violent Conduct should’ve been your moment?

Reality check… whether Ruby Steele interferes or not, you’re still losing that match. It’s not even just because of Courtney being on top of her game right now, it’s the fact that… okay, time for some LOGIC which you’ve been lacking lately. You can’t even beat Georgie Robertson, so on WHAT planet were you going to beat Courtney? Even if you may have been about to hit your finisher, who’s to say that she doesn’t kick out of it anyway? Yeah, I get your perspective though. I’ve BEEN there. I hate to admit it, but I’ve even been YOU… in terms of being screwed and cast aside like a piece of fucking garbage. I GET IT! But at least the way I handle it? I push on. I either screw the person right back or laugh in their face. I am not that bitch that I was earlier in my career where I would have massive mental meltdowns on social media over every single little thing that doesn’t go my way… which.. BANG UP JOB on that by the way. Had I lost at Violent Conduct, I wouldn’t have been THAT bothered it. I would’ve moved on. I had nothing to REALLY lose in that match to begin with. I’m the type of wrestler that has learned to take it in the chin.

You on the other hand… you basically morphed into the Mediterranean version of Krystal Wolfe from earlier this year and the fact that even SHE admits that is an indictment on you because YOU should’ve known better, Ariana! YOU should’ve AVOIDED that example, but you basically ripped her off and did the same thing that she did, probably in a similar way too. You’re so UNORIGINAL that it’s no wonder that most of this locker room doesn’t give a fuck about you. Holy hell, it’s like that disgusting blob demon thing from Buffy the Vampire Slayer that left one body and infected the other with you and Krystal…

Hey, is SIN in there somewhere?

You were already that back of the line bitch, Ariana… but after your behavior last Sunday and on Twitter after the fact, you’ve gone from back of the line bitch to an overall embarrassment not just to this division or this company, but effectively to all of professional wrestling. Oh, you want to talk about how you’re not going to be shuffled to the back of the line after being screwed at Violent Conduct?

Girl, the back of the line is where you were when you got your lucky draw in the first place.

And while you’re at it, learn to accept some responsibility for your own bullshit! That losing streak in one on one matches? That’s not on Mark, that’s not on Christian, that’s not on Courtney, that’s on YOU and you seem to REFUSE to see that because you suddenly think that everyone else is out to get you when in reality, you did this to yourself by being nothing but a constant, perennial loser for the entire year. Hell, you think Courtney would even want to be out to get you? You think you’re GOOD ENOUGH for her to even want to screw you out of the match we’re having this Sunday? If you really think that, then you REALLY need to come back to earth because there’s no WAY Courtney should even BOTHER having an agenda against you. You’re not even close to being a threat to her for her to have an agenda against you.

I’m not necessarily saying that you are wrong for speaking up. But the thing of it is, you don’t even have a leg to stand on when it comes to the Bombshells title in the first place. You never even DID. If you had won most of your matches, put in the damn hard fucking work that it takes to get to the top and actually earned your title shots without fluky countouts or equally fluky card draws, then that’s one thing. But you’ve done NONE of that. You want to act all tough and all bad and you want to think that dissing Jessie’s parents is going to make you edgy and intimidating. Girl, this act that you’re putting on doesn’t make you SHIT… except for an absolute wannabe who can’t accept what her limitations are in this company. This whole shtick of yours? I can’t buy it. I won’t buy it. It’s like you are trying so hard to make us forget that prior to your title shot against Courtney, you were down on your confidence and completely down on your luck because you hadn’t won a match in a while. Don’t think anyone forgets how on social media, when it was announced you were getting that shot, you initially acted as if you didn’t deserve it.

You had ZERO confidence going into that match initially which is why I feel like you lose to Courtney one way or another. But you know, that’s not the only reason. You went from being unconfident going into that match to suddenly wanting to win that match for Team Hero… and then that changed before the match even happened for whatever reason that it did. Honestly, you’re a complete fucking mess in the head, Ariana. But SOMEHOW, SOMEWAY, through ALL of this, you think you’re ENTITLED to a rematch when you don’t have ANY real argument for deserving it?

‘But Ruby…’

NO, that’s not an argument… especially when you never even deserved that title shot in the first place… which by the way, makes your little spiels about how Courtney is a ‘paper champion’ seem all the more ridiculous not only because she HAS retained her title without cheating against other opponents, not only because she WON the title from Roxi without any controversy, but because you literally were the definition of a paper challenger anyway.

But NOW you want to be that big bad bitch that everyone hates and you want to act like you’re so special and you’re so unique well bitch, you’re NOT special, you’re NOT unique, you DON’T deserve a world title shot, you NEVER deserved it in the first place and last Sunday, when you burned your bridge with your friends and when you did the same with the fans, you basically lost their support, which coming into this match, is the one thing that you would’ve had over me to begin with. The fact that you even HAVE this opportunity is a disgrace to the damn title. Seriously! I can’t STAND people like you that think that they’re entitled to everything. Yeah, I may be who I am. I may be a bitch to some people. I may say the things that I do in the way that I do and I may hurt feelings… but at least I OWN who I am! At least I KNOW who I am.

You? You’re just desperate for attention… hell desperate to be in any way relevant, because you can’t buy a one on one non-bullshit win to save your life these days. You snapped because that match against Courtney was your one last chance of having any semblance of meaning in this division for the time being and you’re just desperate to stay in the picture even though you didn’t deserve to be in it at all.

I’ve SEEN this act before… hell, I’ve even BEEN this act before. I USED to act like I’m entitled to everything just like you did and all that did was take me straight to rock bottom. But, I overcame rock bottom. I overcame my insecurities. Throughout your entire career, you clearly haven’t and you can say whatever the hell you want about me, but I get shit done. At least I can overcome any loss, any opponent, any other type of adversity that comes at me.

You on the other hand, are just fine with being a bitter, pathetic, wormy little WANNABE that doesn’t know how to make the best out of the worst situations like I have and that’s why you have done nothing but completely crumble as you have after you lost the Roulette Championship. I wouldn’t even be surprised if you never got over it. This whole ‘bitch act’ of yours is literally your last, desperate attempt to even be anything in this division and I’m going to tell you straight up that you’re only going to drive your career FURTHER into the ground if that is even POSSIBLE at this point. I don’t need Courtney to be on my side and to be honest with you, I’d rather she didn’t. I’d rather she doesn’t fast count me just to screw you and keep you out of the title match because for one, I REALLY don’t want to hear you make any more excuses for your historic ineptitude inside of a Sin CIty Wrestling ring these days and hell, the whole of 2023, but I also DON’T need a fast count, or some other form of bullshit, to beat you straight up. I come into this thing KNOWING that I deserve this title shot more than you do even though you are just my fifth match in the company and KNOWING that you could NEVER be better than me!

Reality’s about to set in for you, Ariana. After I defeat you on Sunday and leave you locked out of the High Stakes main event as you should’ve been in the first place, you’re going to HOPEFULLY come to your senses and realize that hey…

Maybe you’re just not cut out to be a world champion…

Maybe you’re better off being HERE… in this abandoned psych hospital I happen to be talking to you from.

Because lord nows the only thing you need wrapped around you is a straitjacket, not a championship.

Julianna scoffs before she shuts off the camera and remains completely confident about her chances come Sunday night at Climax Control.

August 19, 2023

Julianna still happens to be sitting next to the cenote about twenty minutes after she went off on Roxi Johnson. She takes a few deep breaths before she comes back to her camera and takes it down from the tripod. After she packs the camera and tripod into her large bag, she pulls out the same journal she was using to write that scathing letter to her father in the Amazon. Sitting back near the cenote, she looks in the water, looks at her reflection and has a bit of a sigh as she opens up the journal, grabs the pen and allows herself to cool off from all the fire and anger she unleashed on Roxi.

Unlike the Amazon when she was filled with rage, anger and regret, Julianna is in a calm, almost relaxed sort of mood,e ven if some of that relaxed mood is due to the fact that she’s sifting through some old regrets in her head.

“I bet you feel good about all the anger you unleashed on Roxi Johnson just now, don’t you?” Julianna writes to herself. “You are not wrong. But, you have to remember your own journey here. You started off as a clueless little shit. You won championships out of the gate when you were younger, but you were a hell of a locker room cancer. Being in the environments you were in at the start of your career didn’t help matters. Then you lost yourself and behaved like someone you weren’t… twice. The first time? You hit rock bottom because you didn’t know who you were. Then, you got out of it and you made the same mistake. You lost yourself again. You got out of the gutter hoping to be better and focusing on yourself and your own name and the approach worked because you started to reach your best level yet…

Remember how good it felt when you won your first World Championship in MAINSTREAM Wrestling?”

Julianna takes a deep breath, taking in the nostalgia. She’s reliving how awesome of a feeling it was, particularly knowing that she did it her way and without her father to poison her mind.

“There’s a catch to this…” Julianna writes to herself as a reminder. “...it won you the respect from the fans that you never sought. Suddenly, you were the face of a franchise. You went from looking up to people… to being the one everyone looked up to…”

Julianna reflects on what that experience was like: being the idol that she herself could NEVER imagine she would ever be.

March 12, 2021

Fresh off of her first ever world championship victory just three days prior, the then-MAINSTREAM World Champion is at Collective Con… a comic convention in Jacksonville, Florida. She’s taking pictures with some fans, but her body language is clearly indicating that she is uncomfortable with this. She’s able to crack a smile here and there, but the look on her face is an indication of someone who just doesn’t want to be there.

“Julianna, the autograph table is ready for you now…” one of the promoters tells her.

“Great…” Julianna says with a forced smile. “I can’t wait for that.”

Julianna is able to disguise her lack of enthusiasm as she is escorted over to the autograph table. She takes her seat and waits for a minute before a few fans start to line up in front of her. She grabs her marker and starts signing away. For the most part, she is largely ignoring the compliments that she is receiving from fans regarding her in ring prowess and the congratulations for the world championship she just won. She fills the session mostly with “thank you” and “you’re too kind”

“You’re such a badass Julianna…” a male in his mid-20’s tells her as she signs a poster of herself. “You’ve clearly brought upon a new ear in MAINSTREAM! You’re awesome as hell for that!”

“I’m glad to know that you’re happy because of me…” Julianna says in an almost deadpan ind of way.

“You’re one of a kind…” a Jacksonville socialite tells her. Julianna responds by signing her merchandise and shrugging with a forced smile on her face.

“I know right?” Julianna says with a chuckle.

Up next is parents with their young daughter who is around the age of 8. Some small talk occurs as she signs some stuff, but the little girl says something that really catches her attention.

“I look up to you, Julianna!”

While her parents ‘aw’ at this, Julianna herself is left in a state of shock.

“You’re a good role model for our daughter…” the mother says. Julianna doesn’t respond as she never imagined she’d be on this side of the coin. “...you don’t let anyone else get you down. You go out there, you do you. You fight for what you believe in. That’s a strong influence for our daughter because you’re the kind of woman we want her to grow up to be.”

“Indeed…” the father concurs. “You’re a game changer in this business. You’ve listened to the crowds, right? They’ve getting crazier for you by the week.”

“I bet they do…” Julianna says with another nervous chuckle. “I’m sorry if I seem awkward, but when I wanted to be a wrestler and as my career has gone along, I never thought or imagined that I would be in a position for me to hear that I’m someone else’s idol. Being a world champion is a hell of a responsibility, don’t get me wrong on that. But, it’s a badge I wear with honor and pride and I’m always going to do my best for people like the three of you, alright? Thank you so much for your kind words.”

Julianna even goes as far as exchanging an embrace with each of them, which undoubtedly feels awkward for her. She’s able to go through the rest of the autograph session without incident, but when it’s over and her convention experience ends, she’s left to bathe in the state of shock that she finally gets to acknowledge once she finds herself alone.

“A role model? Me?” Julianna asks herself. “How can this be? How can people look up to me considering who I was at the start of my career? I even lost myself at one point and went completely off the rails, but these people actually LIKE me? I never thought of this. My dad always told me not to worry about this type of thing because it would throw off my focus and make me weak. But… I don’t know. I didn’t know that winning my first world championship was going to make that much of a positive difference in people’s lives.”

Julianna pauses for a bit when she catches a text message on her cell phone from her mother.

“I’m so proud of you honey…” her mother writes in the text message. “You’ve found your own way. You’ve broken away from you-know-who and you’ve found exactly who you are in professional wrestling. I’m seeing, reading and hearing nothing but good things about you and how you’re such a role model to your generation. I know you’re going to make a great world champion! Keep it up!”

Julianna’s eyes glisten for a bit before she comes to her senses. She’s more confused than anything, with some happiness mixed in, as she still doesn’t know what to make of her sudden, newfound popularity with the fans that she had never had at any point in her career between her first day of training and up to this point of her career.  She clears the clutter from her mind eventually, however, and is able to come to a consensus.

“I’ve got to keep doing me and I’ve got to continue to focus on me. I know that people like me more than they used to, but fan support doesn’t win championships. Still… being liked… that does feel kind of cool…”

Julianna packs up her things and then makes her exit from the convention, going on with her life and her maiden world championship run in the wrestling industry business as usual, without much of a change in her attitude as far as her career is concerned.

August 19, 2023

“You did the smart thing in the moment by not getting too caught up in your new popularity…” Julianna writes to herself by the cenote. “You were rolling that whole year. Yeah, the way your Mainstream World title reign ended was sour as hell, but you kept pushing on and you kept doing you. You represented Mainstream and NVR that year as the face of the franchise. You owned that shit. You were willing and able to humble and silence many detractors that wanted to make both companies all about them. You wouldn’t be denied a damn thing from even your most ardent haters. But the weird thing was that no matter how much you wanted to ignore it and even deny it, your popularity with the fans continued to grow. More and more little girls kept believing in you want wanting to be you.”

Julianna pauses her writing briefly when she recalls this growing popularity. She shakes her head as she does, feeling that the more her popularity grew, the more she felt like she was losing control of her career.

“Where did you go wrong?” she asks herself as she resumes her writing. “In fact, what is it that you did that was so wrong? Answer that question…”

Julianna thinks about it for a moment.

“I never was comfortable being popular…” Julianna admits to herself verbally. “I never wanted the support of the fans that once looked up to me. I didn’t do this for them. I didn’t do this to be popular. I stuck with that, and that’s what made me a two time world champion. But then when I won NVR’s wrestler of the year award and…”

Julianna stops talking, her eyes widening when she has her light bulb moment and realizes that she has answered her own question.

“...I did the worst possible thing I could’ve ever done for my career….”

Julianna is definitely feeling that sadness in her heart as she remembers the moment where she effectively abandoned her principles as far as the wrestling business is concerned.

January 2022

“And the 2021 NVR Wrestler of the Year is… JULIANNA DIMARIA!”

Julianna’s eyes widen in shock as she stands up and walks to the podium to accept the award that she never thought she would win. The cheers for her grow louder as she gets closer to the podium and they’re the loudest she’s ever heard them. She gets to the podium and she accepts the award. There are sections of the auditorium giving her a standing ovation. Julianna doesn’t know how to feel and it takes a damn long while before the cheers die down and she’s finally allowed to speak.

“You mean to tell me that the fans voted for this?” she asks sheepishly.

A loud “YES” accompanied by some cheers decorates the walls of the building.

“I can’t believe this is real to be honest. Look, 2021 was a roller coaster in the first half of the year for me. I lost the Women’s title and there was this stupid narrative from some detractors at the commentary table saying that I lost my edge and that I was about to go into a slump without that title but I ended up rising to the occasion, silencing people like him… silencing people like my father… and proving them WRONG! I became the NVR World Champion toward the end of the year AND I finally ‘saved the company’ from a certain someone that wanted to leave this company with the belt and who was basically the biggest ‘evil’ you could imagine. Thank god! I’m so happy that I managed to defeat him for the sake of this company.”

Julianna is oblivious to the ‘mistake’ that she just made.

“And I admit, when I started to hear you all cheer me louder, I didn’t know how to feel about it. I didn’t want to embrace it because it didn’t feel real to me at first. I never sought out to be a fan favorite but now that I see this award in my hands and now that I’m talking to you all about being voted Wrestler of the Year by you people, it warms my heart, I truly mean that. You all se me as your hero. You all see me as the face of the franchise. Some of you out there look up to me and I am now starting to believe that the love that you have for me is TRULY real and the fact that I’ve captured your hearts so much without so much trying, honestly… well… that brings me a joy that I can’t describe in words…”

Tears of joy start to stream down her face as she continues to feel an incredible, warm love from the audience in front of her. She pauses to wipe them away for a bit as she continues her speech.

“I had the nightmare of once looking up to someone that didn’t share the same love for me that I had for him and it hurt me like hell for a long time and I swore off ever having an idol or a role model again. But… this award and the fact that you people voted me for it proves that there’s nothing wrong with being looked up to or even looking up to someone else. So you know what? Going forward, I’m going to be better than the person that I looked up to, that shunned me and took me for granted. I’m going to do the opposite of what he did. I’m not going to shun you. I’m not going to take you people for granted.

If you want me to be your franchise, I’ll be your franchise.

If you want me to be your hero, your idol, your role model, I will be all of those things. The best way to defeat the pain you’ve experienced is to rise above it and that’s what I’m doing now so thank you, ALL OF YOU, for showing me what this business is truly about. Your love won’t go unnoticed. I’ll continue to do whatever I have to do to make NVR better every single match I have out there and I know I won’t be world champion forever, but I want to leave this company in a better place than I found it, that’s for sure. So once more, thank you and honestly, I don’t think I’ve loved all of you more than I do right now!”

The thunderous, near deafening cheers erupt from the audience as Julianna makes her exit from the stage. Among all the voices telling her how awesome she is, she finds her mother as well as two ladies about her own age.

“You’ve grown so much honey…” Mrs. DiMaria says as she and Julianna exchange an embrace. “Look at you being the people’s champion!”

“You’re the measuring stick…” a young redhead, one of the two women near Julianna’s age, tells her.

“Thank you, Ally!” Julianna tells the redhead. “I’m so happy to have a friend like you! We went through so much in my parents’s wrestling school together so this award is for us, really!”

“You’ve rose above all of that to become the absolute best at what you do in NVR…” the other young woman, a brunette, says as Julianna exchanges an embrace with both of her friends.

“Yeah! You’ve truly inspired us all!” Ally adds.

“I’m so glad to have you as a friend…” the brunette adds further.

“Thanks Christy…” Julianna says with a smile and a laugh. “Knowing that I have so many people that care about me, that see me as their idol, their hero… it’s so eye opening and it’s an amazing feeling and I never want to let it go! This ‘burden’... it’s not a burden… it’s a bade of honor… representing so many people that idolize me…”

After a group hug, the four women begin to make their exit from the auditorium hosting the awards ceremony.

August 19, 2023

“You turned your back on yourself…” Julianna continues to write. “When you won that NVR Wrestler of the Year award and you made that acceptance speech, you denied who you truly are. You allowed yourself to become soft, to become weak. You carried a burden that you never wanted. You fit yourself into a role that was never for you… you remember it all, don’t you?”

Julianna’s inner sadness begins to dissipate at this point as she suddenly starts to feel angry again. Though, the anger is not as intense as it was when she wrote the letter to her father back in Brazil a while back.

“You put on a smile and you decided you wanted to be everyone’s hero in Napa Valley Wrestling. You wanted to sign autographs, kiss babies, be front and center at the merchandise stand… after the awards ceremony, you just sold out. You became the false idol that your father was. You became the same false idol that you’ve perfectly outlined Roxi Johnson being when you turned the camera on nearly an hour ago and tore her to shreds. And for what?

Losing the MAINSTREAM World Championship hurt, you can’t lie to yourself about that.

But losing the NVR World Championship…

Do you remember how heartbreaking that was?”

Julianna pauses her writing for a moment as she draws a broken heart underneath the paragraph that she just wrote then drawing an angry face on the heart, perfectly symbolizing the sadness that she felt when she lost her most recent world title to date as well as the anger that came out of that entire experience… anger that her closest friends and family would say she still carried with her to this day.

April 28, 2022

“It’s okay Julianna…” she can hear her mother tell her over the phone in the hallway of the arena. “...you’ve been through this before…”

“This time, it feels so different…” Julianna admits through the tears that are flowing down her face. Her hand shakes so much to the point where she bobbles, but doesn’t completely drop, her phone. Losing her second world championship was more than likely the most devastating loss of her career to date. “Last time, it hurt… but this time. It’s just…”

“Breathe, Julianna…” her worried mother says.

“Mom, I feel like I really let you down and that my dad’s somewhere laughing at me right now!”

There is dead silence on the other end of the line for a minute or two.

“Mom?”

“You didn’t feel that way when you lost the Mainstream World title…”

“Yeah, but… it’s different. I’m supposed to be the franchise, remember? Everyone’s supposed to be looking up to me. I’m supposed to be the role model for so many young girls out there and all I did tonight was let them all down. I let down my fans, my family, my friends. Oh god, Christy and Ally are going to be so disappointed in me. All I can think about is that little girl that met me at a convention in Jacksonville last year that said she looked up to me and that I was her hero. What the hell kind of role model and hero am I when I let them down like I did tonight?”

“Wrestling fans aren’t fickle like that, honey… or at least a good portion of them aren’t. Look, just because you lost a world championship doesn’t mean you are any less of a person in most people’s eyes. And honestly? Those that see you as less of a person? They don’t matter anyway. Maybe this is a good thing in the end…”

“...mom… seriously?” Julianna asks with an exasperated sigh.

“You get to take a step back and not have to worry about carrying such a burden. You said you wanted to make NVR better and leave it in a better place after your reign ended and I certainly think you’ve done that. I’m positive that the fans are going to see it the same way. Okay, maybe there are some that won’t, but you know, screw them.”

Julianna is able to calm herself down enough to at least wipe the tears away.

“You’re right. I think I was a bit too invested in being ‘everyone’s hero’ for a while there. That extra pressure I was putting on myself wasn’t worth it. Look, I’m going to go back to the hotel and just destress. You’re right. My fans are still my fans and they’re not going to abandon me over this.”

“Good! Stay strong, honey. I love you!”

“I love you too!”

The phone call ends and Julianna grabs her stuff and makes her exit. She hears some fans having a conversation behind a production truck.

“So much for Julianna…” she hears a fan say.

“Yeah, I guess she’s no franchise after all…” the other fan says.

“I can’t believe she choked so hard and lost her title. What a fucking loser. How can anyone look up to someone like that? What a letdown?”

Julianna’s eyes widen with shock when she hears this.

“She was just a fad and nothing more.” the first fan says with a laugh. “It’s a new champ in the house and one that’s going to be a better one at that…”

Julianna can hear them laughing endlessly although the farther away they get, the more the laughs fade into the night. If losing her title wasn’t bad enough, being abandoned by the same fans that had been behind her and loved her so much just four months prior when she won her Wrestler of the Year award was the most heartbreaking thing of all for the devastated former champion…

August 19, 2023

“They loved you and couldn’t get enough of you, then you embraced them right back and the moment you slipped up… they abandoned you…” Julianna writes to herself, feeling a little more of that bitter fury that is going through her. “Embracing them was a huge mistake! In a way, those fans were ‘false idols’ too. Huh… you’ve been betrayed both by someone you looked up to and by people that looked up to you. Fucking hell, Christy and Ally suddenly acted like you never existed and blocked your number. But the truth is, embracing being that ‘false idol’ yourself is what anchored your career for a while. It made you lose your edge. It distracted you from your focus. It’s time to be honest with yourself.

You lost who you are because you embraced something you never wanted to be.

Trying to be the hero that made NVR and Mainstream better wasn’t worth it and you know it. Now you’re facing someone that is just about a damn replica of what you were in those companies. So of course, you were right in everything that you just said about her because you’ve lived her lie! Period! Even when you embraced the fans, you were miserable in doing so because you were something that you never wanted to be.”

Julianna smiles, finally, and breathes a sigh of relief when she finally acknowledges a feeling she had carried with her for years.

“That’s your advantage over that bitch…” Julianna writes about her opponent. “You embrace what you really are. She doesn’t. You no longer live a lie. She wants to ride that lie until her career is over. You know that bitch is never honest with herself, she never knows what she wants, she changes viewpoints like the damn weather. She tries so hard to be something that she never could be or will be, just like you once did. The difference is that you were smart enough to ditch the lie and embrace the truth while that piece of shit is so much of a narcissist that she continues to force feed the lie down the throats of all the other Bombshells.

Make an example out of her, champ!”

Julianna closes the journal and when she puts it away in her bag, she happens to see a picture of herself with the family that she met in Jacksonville when she first realized she was becoming popular. She looks at the parents, then the little girl, then she notices the forced happiness she was exuding in the picture.

“That’s not me…” Julianna admits. “It’s NEVER going to be me! I’m NEVER going to lie to myself again… not like SHE does…”

Julianna holds the picture over the water in the cenote before she tears it to bits and pieces. She walks away, feeling relieved that she’s discovered so much truths about herself while remnants of the lie she once lived harmlessly float in the water of the cenote.

August 25, 2023

El Castillo, Chichen Itza

Julianna is in front of her camera at the base steps of the famous pyramid of the archeological site. She’s thinking about some of the words that she said about Roxi Johnson previously, but in no way is she regretting them at all. No matter what anyone else, especially Roxi herself, has to say, Julianna knows deep in her heart that what she had to say about Roxi is very much the truth even if she’s one of the few in Sin City Wrestling that has the guts to admit it. She begins to think about Roxi’s words in comparison. She gives an eye roll at the camera, but her body language indicates she is in no way worried about them, or even bothered by them. As she begins to speak, she lets out a mock yawn.

“Roxi Johnson: the master of talking so damn much and yet saying little if anything at all.”

Julianna shrugs before she continues.

“Look into my eyes and tell me if I’m shook. I’m sure as hell not. To sum up what Roxi had to say about me, I would say it was fifty percent mundane, thirty five percent desperate lies with the knowledge in her brain that she has nothing really to say about me at all, and fifteen percent making shit up out of thin air about me because she has nothing to say about me. Of course, making up lies out of thin air that aren’t even true is a Roxi Johnson trademark because whether she wants to deflect, deny or whatever it is she does when she’s faced with the truth, anyone with a brain knows that she’s so self-absorbed and such a fucking narcissist that she doesn’t have a clue of what is going on around her and she only focuses on what is going on in the world of Roxi and Keira. What she had to say a week ago?

It epitomizes that.

I cannot, and will not, ever, respect someone who has so little respect about her opponents that she doesn’t know the first fucking thing about them. I’m sure she’s going to hear what I have to say and be all ‘well, I’ve heard all of this shit before’ and maybe she has, maybe she hasn’t. But has that idiot ever stopped to think that if MULTIPLE people are saying the same thing about her that maybe SHE’S the problem and not everyone else? I mean, if she wants to GO THERE, she can go there, but it’s not ME that she’s making look bad, it’s herself. But you know what, trying to play weather girl about an opponent’s promo for 80 percent of it is another Roxi Johnson trademark, so much so that it popped up in spades during her shallow, meaningless empty words about me. So, let’s not do that here.

No Roxi, let’s talk about how with what you said, you’ve basically proven me right. Let’s talk about the fact that what you said is the epitome of the fact that you are one of the biggest narcissists in Sin City Wrestling history. Let’s talk about how you have so little respect for this company, for htis business, even, that you treat every event that happens to you like it’s run of the mill. Like, for real. Krystal basically kicked your ass and you showed NO emotion, NO regret, NOTHING! Either you were hiding your pain and your shame, or you truly don’t give a fuck. Someone with the passion for this business like you may claim that you have here and there doesn’t treat a loss under those circumstances like it’s a run of the mill thing. You’re over there acting like it’s no big deal all while you’re talking about her being ‘scared and desperate’...

Which… of course… when you lost to Amber in that triple threat a couple of High Stakes ago, that’s exactly what you were acting, but that’s only another example in the Roxi Johnson Hypocrisy Files.

Never mind the walking contradictions that you made in your promo. ‘I have nothing more to achieve’ you repeated over and over again in your promo while in the beginning, you mention how you have a ‘list of things you want to get done’.

But wait, I thought you had nothing more to achieve? Oh right, it’s just another example of you speaking out of your ass and saying what you have to say in order to make your story sound better. You’re acting like nothing bothers you and that everything else is just another day, you’re trying to talk about how the sun will rise in the morning blah blah fucking blah yet you even took time out of your promo not even talking about ME, but trying to DEFEND something that you said about Courrney Pierce. Roxi, get it through your thick fucking skull. You are not facing Courtney Pierce. You are facing ME! A lesser opponent would treat what you did there as a sign of disrespect, but me? I just laugh at how unfocused you are. I just laugh at how someone who tries SO HARD to act as if nothing people say bother her promo after promo after promo actually wastes air time talking about someone she’s not even wrestling AND taking time out of her promo to complain about what people say about her, even going as far as calling it all ‘silly’. Well, maybe people wouldn’t be talking about you if… oh I don’t know… you weren’t trying to shove your lies down the throats of everyone else?

Don’t want people talking about you? Then do one of two things: either get the fuck out OR don’t pay a lick of attention to what other people say about you, Miss Walking Paradox! I mean, you act as if nothing bothers you, but you’re constantly paying attention to it because it’s all about YOU! If it’s about someone else? You don’t even other paying attention to it but when it’s about YOU, you’re all over it. If that isn’t the definition of narcissism, then I don’t know what is. Or maybe the definition of narcissism is treating me like I’m just the same as someone else or a subset of people thinking that it’s going to be the same old, same old to you… like when you mentioned “oh people like Julianna have walked through the door and disappeared so fast before”.

AND?

What’s your fucking point, Roxi? You don’t HAVE a point! I am NOT whoever the fuck you’re thinking about.  It’s just throwing sand into thin air, honestly. If you’re going to treat me like I am who you are talking about, then that’s literally your loss. But hey, maybe the definition of narcissism is taking things people say, or tweet or whatever and try to make something out of nothing. Oh right, that’s ANOTHER Roxi Johnson trademark because in HER eyes, someone mentioning wanting to be world champion every single week means they are OBSESSED and they DON’T KNOW WHAT WRESTLING IS ALL ABOUT…

Julianna pauses and scoffs.

“Never mind the fact that she was talking about Amber Ryan every week at one point…” she whispers and winks into the camera.

“So wait, in my tweet, where in the world did I say that people need to stop putting you on a pedestal? DId I say that in my tweet? Have I ever mentioned it in my promo? Hell, I don’t even remember EVER using the word ‘pedestal’ ANYWHERE in ANY context, Roxi Johnson related or not. Oh right, that’s the ‘make shit up because I have nothing good to say’ part of the promo, isn’t it? Or is that what the ‘I’ve never put myself above anyone’ comment when they’ve declared SCW ‘my house’ supposed to be? Or maybe that’s what repeating the same old diatribe about ‘oh I don’t need to do this again’, ‘I don’t need to win titles anymore’, ‘I am happy with where I am’, blah blah blah five different times if not more during your entire promo supposed to be? See, that’s what makes ME better than YOU, Roxi because YOU are trying to convince YOURSELF that you don’t need to do this or do that anymore… I mean seriously, you HAVE to be attempting to convince yourself of that because why ELSE would you keep saying it over and over?

ME? I don’t need to convince myself of shit. I am not YOU, Roxi! I know who the fuck I am. I don’t need to pretend to be something and con so many other people into believing in a fucking like the way you do… the way I once did I will admit because unlike you, I am not a two faced hypocrite! I am not YOU because I at least KNOW what my opponents are all about and I speak the truth that even the world champion backs me up on. The best YOU can do is take one tweet so grossly out of context that CNN would want to hire you on the spot for and infer things that I’ve never said, or even felt, like the fact that YOU get under my skin. And where the FUCK do you get such a PATHETIC idea like that? But wait, I MAKE UP MY DETRACTORS… says the person that takes one tweet and creates a bunch of lies out of it. In fact, when I tweeted what I tweeted, I wasn’t referring to a specific detractor, I was taking about detractors and critics in general, but of course you’re such a narcissist with her head shoved up her own ass, you couldn’t even interpret the fucking context correctly. I mean seriously, doesn’t this prove how little of a shit you really give about the business anymore? You truly have become an upgraded version of Mercedes Vargas at this point, except at least Mercedes carries some passion with her similarly grandiose illusions.

Oh and speaking of illusions… where did I say that you weren’t important?

Ah yes, ‘I don’t care what people say about me’ but making up ANOTHER lie in saying that you weren’t important. But I’M the one making up stuff? Girl, do you even LISTEN to yourself? Like who the fuck died, made you a psychologist and gave you the ability to interpret a thousand different lies out of 280 characters? See, that’s the thing, Roxi. I think I know what you’re trying to do. It’s either one of two things: you are really THAT huge of a self-absorbed, narcissistic cunt that you’re too stupid to see reality OR you’re just throwing shit against the wall to try to throw me off. I mean, with how many myths you’ve created in your own promos over time against so many opponents over the years, you can’t talk about me ‘creating myths’. I mean, when you say that nobody has ever made you into a god when you’ve had people like Ariana Angelos and even Courtney herself praise you and speak positive about you in promos and hyping up your accomplishments and all of that, it just MAY be the former with you.

You’re so narcissistic to the point where you’re creating myths like how I don’t want you to be seen as a legend or an icon… and again, I never said that. I never inferred that. You’re SO FOCUSED on lying so damn much about me that you won’t be as focused as you should be come Sunday. You with your egomaniacal narcissism, are walking into this match with me thinking that you’ve got me all figured out when the truth is, you don’t even come CLOSE to hitting the mark. Here, let me recap THE biggest lie for you:

‘The confidence that Julianna appears to be lacking.’ You know, that’s so fucking stupid, I’m not even going to BOTHER addressing it because really, You’re just grasping at straws with that and ironically? When you’re at the point where you’re grasping at straws and trying so hard to force lies about opponents out onto the world, then who REALLY lacks confidence? It’s not ME, Roxi! I think what’s going on is that you’re coming into this match completely intimidated by me because I am not awestruck like most of the fucking roster is about your accomplishments and I’m not buying the damn two faced lie you’ve put on for so many years. I think you saw me tweet what I tweeted about how I wasn’t going to treat you like a god the way so many others do and that unnerved you because it’s blasphemy. It ALWAYS has to be about you. Everyone HAS to worship and admire you and damn those that don’t. I mean, you want to talk about lacking confidence? Someone with confidence doesn’t try to convince themselves of the same shit five times a promo the way you keep trying to convince yourself of “I don’t need titles anymore”. It’s obnoxious! You’re the one that acted like a loss to Krystal was no big deal and when someone is acting like losing is no big deal, they are not confident in themselves to face it and be better.

How the HELL are you going to beat me when you don’t have the confidence in yourself to face up to the flaws that you REFUSE to acknowledge in yourself? At least I know whot he fuck I am and what I’m about. At least I’M not the one hiding behind the Great Wall of Lies. Really, telling yourself ‘I don’t need this’, ‘I don’t need that’, ‘I’m happy with where I am’ is purely a smokescreen, a DEFENSE MECHANISM of FALSE HUMILITY for your declining confidence in yourself. I mean hell, why WOULDN’T you be lacking in confidence? You lost the world title. Krystal beat your ass. You tried so hard to “build up” opponents only for them to be WORSE after they wrestled you and you KNOW that’s a hit on YOUR reputation. You try SO HARD not to show it, but you know that the one with the nerves and the butterflies is you. Someone with the ego that you have, when it starts to slip away from them, they start to lose their nerve and their confidence.

Somewhere in you, you know that your superhero LIE is slipping away. You won’t admit it because you don’t have the confidence in yourself as a person to admit the truth, let alone face it. Now, I’m not wrestling this match to make you face the truth for once. I’m in this match to get the biggest win of my SCW career so far, ;ure and simple FACT! You’re talking about how you won’t hand me the keys to the kingdom… first off, who said it was YOUR kingdom? There’s that narcissism again!  Way to play right into my hands there, FALSE IDOL! Secondly? You can take those keys and you can shove them up your ass. I don’t want your fucking keys. In fact, I’m not here to take the kingdom, I’m here to make my OWN! I’ll make my own damn keys too.  I’m not going to follow YOUR piss poor excuse of a legacy, Roxi. I’m creating my OWN DAMN LEGACY! And you know, the girls in the locker room can hate me for the way I am coming at you, but I don’t give a fuck because at least I can look in the mirror and at least I know who the fuck I am and what my fucking convictions are!

“I don’t need this, I don’t need that” but you want to show that you’re still on top of your game, when generally, you do that by winning championships or winning main events against top tier wrestlers on a consistent basis. So, if you’re not aiming for any of this, WHY are you NEEDING to show people that you’re at the top of your game? SEE, THIS is a PERFECT example of someone that takes whatever position necessary going into any match for her own convenience. You’re inconsistent. You want one thing one minute, but the opposite thing the next. You don’t even know who the hell you want to be. Seriously, think about your fucked up behavioral patterns over the last 2 or 3 years and tell me that I’m lying…

But I know who the hell I am! I KNOW what I’m here for! I STICK to my beliefs! And it’s THAT psychological advantage that I have over you in spades that is going to be THE difference and THE reason why I’M winning on Sunday and YOU’LL be left picking up the pieces…

…as you downplay your imminent loss in your next promo to hide that you are…

NARCISSIST!

Julianna laughs as she shuts off the camera!

July 16, 2023

Julianna managed to come away with a strong victory in her Sin City Wrestling debut against Blast from the Past finalist Dawn Warren. But, those that heard what she had to say before and after the fact know that for her, it was ‘just another day in the office;. Shortly after Climax Control finished airing, Julianna leaves a restaurant in Rome near the Colosseum and she finds herself shocked when there is a small group of fans that are waiting for her. There are some signs written in Italian that are actually supportive of her and knowing the language herself, she’s frozen in surprise when she realizes this small group of fans is actually rooting for her.

“The fans back at the Colosseum hated me but the ones here…” Julianna thinks to herself. “They’re on MY side?”

Julianna listens in on some of the supportive things that the fans are saying in Italian, among them…

“You wrestle just like your dad if not better!”

“We’re so glad you finally got to wrestle here!”

“You did such an amazing job representing Italy!”

“Please come back to us soon!”

Julianna has been around long enough to know that she has her fans that think outside of the conventional wisdom, largely the “Internet fans” that praise her on message boards if they’re not writing fan fictions about being with her. She rolls her eyes and turns, walking down the street and acting as if it’s no big deal. She finds it a bit difficult to get away from the fans without security detail, though they’re not seeking to harm her in any way. She does her very best to ignore all the autograph requests she’s getting from this small, but passionate group of people.

“People can love me, or they can hate me…” she thinks to herself. “But in all honesty? I don’t do what I do for them. I’ve been there, I’ve done that. It’s not for me. If I were to lower myself to the level of people like this, then I lose my edge. Period. In a company like Sin City Wrestling, I can’t afford to lose my edge like that.”

Eventually, the fans realize she’s not going to stop for them and they leave her alone but she’s not quite done getting away from people yet. An older man, about her father’s age, stops her in her tracks and recognizes her even though she may not seem to recognize the man herself right away.

“Julianna…” the man says in English, which catches the attention of the 28-year-old two time world champion. “...long time no see!”

Julianna narrows her eyes with skepticism, especially since the man has a slight resemblance to her own father.

“...I’m sorry. You are?”

“You don’t remember me?” the older man says in his Brooklyn-style accent. “You don’t remember your old Uncle Vito, eh?”

Julianna’s eyes widen as she DOES remember.

“I haven’t seen you since you were about half your size. I think you were what? Maybe 8?”

“...I DO remember…” Julianna doesn’t know what to think about this unexpected reunion with someone on her father’s side of the family. “I would’ve thought you’d been at my father’s funeral or something…”

“I was for a bit… but I missed you then.”

“Can I ask you why you’re here?”

“I just happen to be in town visiting my mother… your grandmother. I heard you were going to be here to wrestle and as it turns out, I was at the Colosseum.”

“So you saw me submit that idiot dog Dawn Warren?” Julianna asks with a scoff.

“I sure as hell did!” Uncle Vito says with a smirk on his face. “It was damn impressive. I’ve seen you wrestle on television a bunch of times, but it was the first time I got to do so in person. I gotta say, in person? Your skill is that much more impressive. Your old man certainly trained you well.”

“My mother trained me too, you know!” Julianna says with some anger in her voice as she folds her arms, clearly showing the displeasure at hearing a compliment about a father that she not only hates so much, but is trying to move on from.

“How’s Elise doing, by the way?”

“My mother’s fine” Julianna says with a sigh, showing some sudden discomfort. “But, hi, good to see you after 20 years. I’m glad you like my work. I mean, you seem to like it a hell of a lot better than my dad ever did.”

“I wouldn’t say that…” Uncle Vito says, largely assurring, but also unaware of the disdain that Julianna has for her father. “You reminded me so much of your dad out there. In fact, if he were still here, he’d be very proud of you.”

Julianna gets angrier and this anger is harder to hide as her uncle noticed her rolling her eyes.

“What’s wrong, Julianna? Did I offend you?”

“Did my father ever talk to you in recent years about our relationship?” Julianna questions, catching her uncle by surprise.

“He would always say that things between you two were always great and that he was happy with how quick and how strong you were moving up the wrestling ranks…” Uncle Vito answers, causing Julianna to laugh.

“And you believed everything that he told you?”

“He was my brother, Julianna. He’d have no reason to lie to me.”

“I hate to break it to you, Vito. He did. So much. I hate my father. In fact, I was hesitant to even come here knowing that I was coming back to his home country.”

“But it worked out in the end, didn’t it?”

“That’s not the point! I HATED my father. I didn’t cry at his funeral at all.”

Vito’s eyes are the one widening in shock now.

“He was your father, Julianna…”

“SINCE WHEN?” Julianna snaps back, further catching him by surprise.

“What do you mean since when? He raised you and took you under his wing to train you to be a wrestler. Well, he and your mother both, but you know what I mean. What happened? Why do you have so much anger toward him?”

“He would run me down and treat me like garbage every time I did something wrong. Look, with all due respect… I DON’T want to recap how he treated me in the early part of my career. I will say that there was plenty of verbal and emotional abuse and I always felt like no matter what I did, I was never going to please him and you suddenly waltzing back into my life, completely ignorant, singing his praises and telling me how all he did was say nice things about me when I know the truth about how he felt about me is REALLY triggering. I don’t even know why you even wanted to find me. It’s not like I wanted to go and seek out any extended family on his side or anything. I came to Rome just to wrestle and I’ve done that. I didn’t come here for unwanted family reunions. I know he was your brother and everything, but to me? He’s always going to be a piece of shit! Sorry… NOT sorry!”

Vito takes a minute or two to process what he just heard. Julianna is even holding back tears remembering that her father never wanted a relationship with her, but that he would tell extended family that everything was okay even though things weren’t. Vito lets out a sigh, which worries Julianna a bit.

“On one hand, you’ve been a very successful wrestler… even more successful than both of your parents…” Vito admits. “And whether you like it or not, much of your wrestling pedigree in the ring does remind me of him. You don’t exactly follow everything he ever did to a tee though…”

“You’re right, I don’t. I DID at first, but doing everything HIS way didn’t get me anywhere. Once I started doing things MY way, that’s when I actually became successful. But WHATEVER, you want to be an enabler of abuse, take his side, and act like my side of the story doesn’t FUCKING MATTER then be my guest. It’s not like I have anything to lose by just NOT being a part of this MESSED UP FAMILY!”

Vito tries to wrap an arm around her.

“Julianna, please…”

“Don’t touch me…”

Julianna gently moves away from her uncle.

“Just take my dad’s side and get it over with so I can be done with this fucking family already.”

“We’re not ALL like him, Julianna…”

“Wait… what?” Julianna says, surprised by what she heard.

‘Did your old man always tell you that you’d never amount to anything?”

Julianna nods.

“Join the club…” Vito says, shocking her.

“Excuse me?”

“I believe you. He would treat me the same way when we were growing up. I always thought it was a big bro, little bro thing but once I realized he was treating Elise the same way, I realized that was just his personality. I kept in touch with him just to stay cordial and to not hold a grudge, you know. But I was HOPING that he wouldn’t extend the way he treats people to you. I’m so sorry, Julianna. I should’ve known better.”

Julianna lets out a sigh, though not of anger, but more of relief.

“I’m so sorry, I thought everyone was the same as him” Julianna says, processing the shock of everything that she just heard.

“But look at it this way…” Vito adds. “...I said that you were just as good as him but honestly, you were even BETTER. I’ve never seen your father… or hell… even your mother with all due respect to her. You’ve got something that neither of them, especially your father, had and that’s a true, burning passion for this business. It’s no wonder that you became the star that they didn’t. I don’t need to know everything that your old man put you through because I believe it. What’s important is that you managed to get through it because you had the passion and the dedication to. I followed the careers of your parents before you were born and they were fine wrestlers. But, they didn’t have the “it” factor that you do.”

Julianna is still feeling conflicted knowing that this unexpected reunion turned out to be so much better than she imagined it ever could.

“I know that this is weird for you right now, Julianna…”

“Yeah, it is. But, I’m touched that my father’s side of the family isn’t full of fuck ups, you know. Look, I will be honest for you. I don’t do this for family, I do this for me…”

“No, I understand that. That’s how it should have always been and how it should always be. I’ve been following your career and I saw how you struggled at the start of it before you suddenly broke out and became the star that you’ve become and that you’re still growing into.”

“Thanks Vito… I mean that. Seriously. It’s not often that I actually get noticed for what I do in professional wrestling. It’s quite an annoyance if we’re being honest.”

“Family’s always going to appreciate you no matter what. Maybe that’s something you should start thinking about a little bit more.”

“My mother didn’t put you up to this did she?” Julianna asks, still expressing skepticism.

“I haven’t talked to her in years, but I’m glad she’s doing well.”

“What about my grandmother?” Julianna asks, suddenly taking an interest.

“As well as she can be for her age….” Vito mentions. “I think you were maybe 10 the last time you saw her.”

“Can I see her?” she asks all of a sudden.

“Right now? Well, it’s late and she’s probably out for the night. But, we’ll surprise her tomorrow morning. How does that sound?”

Julianna actually smiles at this.

“I’d love that. It was nice seeing you again and it’s nice to know that you’re not my father…”

The two embrace for a moment.

“Likewise…”

The two part ways shortly after that and now Julianna suddenly is in much happier mood than she would ever imagine she would be coming back to her father’s home country. Sher’s not the type of person that would admit this out loud, but she knows deep down that with deleting her father’s old voicemails and an unexpected reunion that went just as unexpectedly great, that she’s finally beginning to heal from everything she went through because of him.

Julianna however, happens to be deep in thought as she continues to walk back to her hotel.

“I’m fortunate…” Julianna admits to herself in her thoughts. “...not just from the fact that my father’s family isn’t so bad all in all, but the fact that I at least had ONE parent that wasn’t such a fuck up of a person… ONE parent that actually TRIED to understand me and pushed me not just to be better, but to break away.

…I’ll never forget the way she reached out to me during the rock bottom of my career…”

Christmas 2019

Julianna certainly had a difficult 2019 for the most part as far as her wrestling career is concerned. Then at the age of 25, she finds herself in the living room of her parents’s home. Her father is nowhere in sight as he had gone back to Italy to see his family and that’s exactly how Julianna prefers it. She’s lamenting many things at this point as she just sips some hot chocolate while rolling her eyes at the “Charlie Brown Christmas Special” that is playing on her mother’s television. Julianna clearly has no Christmas spirit this year as her mother walks in and sits down next to her.

“What’s wrong?” her mother asks, immediately knowing that Julianna isn’t right.

“It’s finally over…” Julianna responds.

“What’s over?” her mother asks, before suddenly widens her eyes. “Wait, you didn’t quit wrestling, did you?”

“No. But I left Portland Pro…”

Her mother takes in the surprise announcement that she just heard, smiling and then wrapping an arm around her. Julianna would normally resist in this situation, but considering her sullen mood, she’s not even doing so at this point.

“I’m glad. That place was making you miserable from everything that you were telling me.”

“I really do not want to talk about that place anymore. I just… I don’t know… all I can really say about it is that I just wanted a fresh start. I had my ups and downs while I was over there, but when it came to trying to break through and get to that next level, I just never could. This was definitely the worst year of my career so far…”

“Don’t give them that power, Julianna. You still managed to win a title there.”

“It wasn’t the worst year of my career because of them. It was the worst year of my career because I completely lost my sanity and I lost my identity and I lashed out in the worst way and I was nearly committed to the psych ward at one point…”

“You got better though…” her mother reminds her.

“Yeah, just in time for the holidays right?”

“You know how I asked you a few months ago why you behaved the way you did all year when you lost your mind? Are you ready to answer that question now?”

Julianna doesn’t even know whether to laugh or cry in the moment as she reflects on her 2019. She remembers how all she wanted to do was hurt other people threatening people with the worst kind of ultraviolence you can imagine from wanting to chop people up with chainsaws to threatening to burn people’s homes down. She feels nothing but shame, especially since her loss of self-control was by far the biggest reason fro 2019 being the worst year of her career.

“Yeah, I’m ready. I was lashing out because I wanted to burn down and destroy everything my dad taught me about professional wrestling. I lashed out because I didn’t want to do it his way anymore and I just didn’t know how else to go about it. I know I embarrassed you and worried you and I’m sorry for that. But, it was a culmination of years of abuse just coming out of me and taking it out on everything and anything in sight. I’ve had this business all wrong. But, I admit, it’s frustrating that I can’t reach my fullest potential. I look at everything around me, seeing wrestlers less talented than me win world titles, and I’m wondering when the hell I’m finally going to break through and win one for myself.”

“That’s all understandable…”

“I realize that doing everything my father’s way is no longer the way to go and I’m DONE following his example.”

“GOOD!” Julianna’s mother says with pride in her voice.

“I realize that the example I should’ve been following is yours all along.”

This comment catches her mother’s attention, but Julianna is quick to notice that her mother isn’t exactly welcoming this with open arms.

“My father was all about ego and making everything revolve around him. I mean for fuck’s sake, when I was born, he still kept wrestling instead of, you know, trying to be a dad and everything. But you? You were all about class, you were all about dignity. You were never a selfish person when it came to the business or anything. You gave up your career for me and I’m always going to appreciate that and you were successful back in Germany without ever having to resort to the crap that my father pulled in his career.”

“Right… yeah…”

“Wow Mom, I thought you would’ve been happy to know that I’m going to follow your example now…”

“Julianna… honey… I have a huge piece of advice for you that you need to hear.”

“What’s that?”

“Don’t…”

“Sorry?”

“Don’t follow my example. You followed your father’s and look where that got you. Of course, my example is a far better example, but ask yourself this. How many wrestlers in the business, especially nowadays, try to follow their parents’s example and wind up being flops?”

“A whole ton…” Julianna admits. “I’ve constantly beaten wrestlers like that over my own career.”

“Exactly. You’re struggling because you started trying to fill your father’s shoes. Don’t try to fill mine. In fact, when it comes to your own career, don’t even think or worry about me at all. This isn’t about me or making me proud. This is about you and your career. Do this for YOU. if you want to move past Portland Pro and if you want to prove that you are serious about being a world champion, that’s exactly what you are going to do. You are not me, Julianna. I never, ever expected, or even wanted you to be me. I’m going to tell you straight up, and I’m not saying this to put myself down or anything, but if you try to be me going forward in your career, you’re going to continue to struggle and you’re going to continue to stay stuck in mediocrity. I know I should’ve trained and taught you better myself, but if you take away ONE thing from ANYTHING I’ve ever tried to teachy you, for the sake of your career, it’s THIS.”

“I never thought of it like that…” Julianna admits as she takes a sip of her hot chocolate. In her own mind, however, she is starting to grow a bit confused. “...but… there’s a big problem. I get that you’re saying that I should do this for me and that I should do this my way… but… I don’t even know what ‘my way’ even is…”

Julianna’s mother lets out a sigh, knowing all too well how difficult it is to find oneself in this business. There’s some silence for a second as Julianna’s mother shuts off the television and processes how to proceed with how to help her.

“That’s why second generation wrestlers often fail…” Julianna’s mother adds. “They think that doing this the same way, or a similar way, that their parents do, is what is going to make them successful when it’s really their own identity that does it. The thing is, most second generation wrestlers are so tied up with trying to be their parents that they never find their own identity and as a result, they struggle like hell. I don’t want you to be another one of those second generation failures and that’s why I’m telling you this. Screw your father and hell, screw me too! Find your own way, find out who the hell you are in this business and start being successful the way you and I both know you can be successful, okay?”

Julianna is in a happy state of shock but her eyes are lighting up knowing that her mother effectively freed her from the pressure of ever having to live up to her parents and whatever expectations they once had of her when she first broke into this business.

“I won’t promise you’ll win a world championship…” her mother continues. “But I can promise you you’ll be more successful, and so much happier overall, with your career.”

“How do I start?”

“You start with figuring out who you WANT to be and what you’ll do differently to get to that point. It’s not as hard as you think it is, trust me.”

Julianna nods, understanding what she just heard.

July 16, 2023

“That conversation with my mother changed my entire career for the better and from a wrestling standpoint, giving me that advice was the best thing that she has ever done for me…” Julianna reflects as she gets closer to her hotel. “I look around and I see many Bombshells on the roster with family ties… whether it’s their parents or whether it’s anyone else that they are related to, and plenty of them fail to grasp what this business is all about because they’re stuck on the name of someone else when the only name that they should be worrying about is their own. Dawn Warren? Perfect example. I knew that bitch was beaten when the opening bell rang because all she gave a shit about was making the Warren name better… if it wasn’t her stupid wedding.

BUT… that’s what sets me apart from the back in the Bombshells division.

I am NOT relying on the legacy of a parent.

I am NOT trying to restore prestige to a name that was destroyed by others.

I am NOT giving a FUCK about disappointing someone that is close to me.

I am NOT giving a FUCK about living up to the prestige of a supposed wrestling school that half the Bombshells roster went to.

I’ve been there, and I’ve done that for the most part… and when I compete in my next match? They’re going to continue to learn exactly what I am all about and what I bring to this division…”

Julianna enters the hotel, obviously in a stronger, better mood with how well everything has gone for her in Italy up to this point.

July 28, 2023

The Old Summer Palace in Beijing, once a pride of the city, but in ruins since the 1860’s. Julianna stands near the center of the area with the camera on and she looks around with plenty to think about. Most specifically however, she is thinking about her match with Laura Phoenix. As far as Laura goes, Julianna doesn’t seem impressed by her. She knows that she’s a mother of a former Sin City Wrestling bombshell and she’s also aware of her success… or lack thereof, in the grand scheme of things. She’s feeling just as confident as she was going into her debut match as she begins to speak.

“I suppose visiting a ruined part of the city is fitting, yes? I mean, this is pretty much Dawn Warren after I was through with her. But you know what these ruins behind me also represent? It represents a legacy that one is trying FAR too long to hang onto. Let’s be real here. Beijing was once a destination city with all the history behind it. It was once THE place to be in the Far East. But over time, whether it’s because of all the environmental neglect or whether it’s because other areas of the region like Seoul and Tokyo have clearly passed it by, Beijing is no longer that destination. Beijing is a legacy in decline, one that people just don’t give that much of a damn about and it seems as though, in my book, this decline is going to continue. If that sounds familiar, this should remind you of Laura Phoenix… who… honestly? Just like this city, she’s hanging on to a legacy that is not as bright as it was and just like this city, she’s trying way too hard to stay relevant in the grand scheme of things.

And no Laura, I am not going to make quips or jokes about your age. I know that around this business, there are some wrestlers close to your age that are having the best time of their careers at the moment. But let me ask you this. Ever since you came to Sin City Wrestling, what have you actually… you know… ACCOMPLISHED? You’ve won just as many matches as you have lost, to be fair. You’re hanging in there decently, But when it comes to trying to make a name for yourself and taking that next step? You’re ALWAYS falling short! You couldn’t beat Kayla Richards for the Internet CHampionship at Into the Void… a match that I, by the way, happened to look at and I know that while you gave it your very best effort, you were simply outclassed in the end. You had your chance at Summer XXXtreme to be a champion when you fought for the Roulette Championship in that degrading, stupid spectacle of a pool match and you lost again. But hey, no worries! You got another chance to be the Bombshells Roulette Champion against Jessie Salco a couple of weeks ago and while I was making a serious impression and making a Blast from the Past finalist tap out to continue her downward spiral in this company, you were in the main event against Jessie…

Wait… WHAT?”

Julianna pauses and scoffs, almost as if she can’t believe what she just heard.

“...Jessie Salco and Laura Phoenix main evented a Climax Control? Oh dear lord, has this division accepted mediocrity to THAT degree that THEY are main eventing a show? Regardless of whether that is the case or not, the fact of the matter is, you couldn’t get it done against Jessie and you lost to her. Again. When I first heard of you, I thought of a woman that has made a name for herself over the years. But in light of the fact that you can’t even defeat one of the most washed women on the roster… and I don’t even know HOW she is the Roulette Champion at ALL by the way… maybe it’s about time you reconsider whether Sin City Wrestling is a good career move after all. I mean, you haven’t been TERRIBLE… but you’re just… THERE. I hear you talk leading up to the matches and it’s like you WANT to have that fire of the Phoenix, but you LACK in that fire. You barely had anything to say about the match at Summer XXXtreme. You just went on and on about how Mercedes respects nobody and how Jessie respects you and I look at that and go… “NO WONDER YOU LOST”...

Because as far as I’m concerned? This business isn’t about respect. You hold yourself back worrying about something so trivial and stupid. You think I’m going to walk n here having any sort of respect for you? NOPE! I don’t! I have no respect for someone that should know better being the veteran that she is when it comes to being a student of the game and evolving as she goes but ultimately, doesn’t. You even mentioned that you haven’t held a title in this business since 2016, which of course, was before I even broke the mainstream myself the next year, and shouldn’t that tell you something, Laura? Shouldn’t that tell you that maybe it’s time to change things up and take a different approach instead of doing the same fucking thing that you were doing seven years ago?

Apparently not, because after you lost to Jessie the first time and then happened to face her again two weeks ago, I didn’t see any sort of indicator from you that you actually learned anything from that defeat at Summer XXXtreme… and even if you did? There was clearly no indication at all that you applied anything you learned from that defeat, You took the open challenge from Jessie… but honestly, you should’ve just stood aside and let someone better take it. You went into that match with Jessie STILL lacking that fire… on top of the fact that you insulted half of my heritage doing that Roman Warrior bit in the Colosseum. YAWN! How stereotypical of you? How many people are going to do a promo at the Great Wall of China this week? But hey, it serves to further prove how DATED you are, not to mention that your motivations going into that match were beyond pathetic. No seriously, you were going into that match talking about what? The fact that your challenge to Jessie is something that defines your legacy and forces a path to redemption? And YOU are one to talk about low hanging fruit, right? Because as far as low hanging fruit is concerned, Jessie Salco might as well be among the lowest hanging fruit in the Bombshells division at the moment even WITH the Roulette Championship.

No seriously, think about it.

Beating JESSIE SALCO defines your legacy? THAT is exactly what I am talking about when it comes to a lack of fire, passion and drive because let me tell you something future grandma, and I mean that literally and not as a knock on your age, beating a Hall of Fame member on top of their game like a Roxi Johnson, for as fucking overrated as she is in general, mind you… THAT is a legacy definer. Case in point with the current Bombshells champion who literally did just that by dethroning the bitch. THAT is what you call having a passion and a fire for this and actually reaching for the damn stars.

But YOU?

You reach for fucking JESSIE SALCO? Are you KIDDING ME?

You have to beat HER to have any sort of redemption? Well congratulations, you LOST to her. AGAIN! So how is your legacy defined now? Just another Bombshell on the roster that isn’t standing out or making a name for herself at all? If that match with Jessie defines your legacy, then losing to her completely flushed it down the fucking toilet… as if YOUR DAUGHTER hasn’t done that enough in this company….

Julianna takes a pause, knowing that she’s REALLY about to twist the knife when it comes to Laura Phoenix.

“Yeah… I know ALL about your daughter. And hey, I wish her well with becoming a mother herself and everything, but when it comes to Sin City Wrestling and being unable to break through when it matters the most in this company and when it comes to a general sense of mediocrity, I look at YOUR career so far in this company and I also look at the career that Bella Madison had and the one thing that REALLY sticks out to me is that the mediocrity as far as Sin City Wrestling is concerned TRULY runs in the family. Your daughter was part of this company for HOW long? And how many singles championships did she win? Oh right, that’s a big fat zero. How many singles title matches did she have? If I have my knowledge of SCW history up to par, I’d say that number is at least in the double digits… and she lost every single one of them! Literally her only accomplishment was a Mixed Tag team Championship that she only lasted one supercard cycle with… and it’s representative of your whole family lineage considering that the only thing she ever did when she was in this company… wasn’t even something that she did on her own.

In fact, let me twist the knife JUST a little bit further…

Her lack of success in Sin City Wrestling? It’s the TRUE representation of your legacy… your legacy as someone who CLEARLY didn’t train her well enough and dare I say, it represents the fact that when it comes to the professional wrestling business, you turned out to be a FAILURE of a mother! I want you to think about your daughter’s career and tell me if you feel guilty about her lack of success here. I want you to consider YOUR career in Sin City Wrestling so far and I want you to wonder if you are TRULY setting a good example for her with how “mid” you’ve been so far.  Think about the grandbaby you’re about to have. Are you setting a good example for her? Are you?

NO! Someone like you is someone that SHOULD be doing better, but isn’t because they’re too satisfied with what they’ve done in their career and you think I AM? HELL NO! I’ve got a couple of world championships to my name. I was a champion as recent as this year, and you think I’m fucking happy? NO! You think being a Hall of Fame member of another company makes me happy? NO! You think being a wrestler of the year in another company satisfies me? NO! I came here, to Sin City Wrestling, because unlike YOU, I didn’t get fat and happy and satisfied! I came here to push myself further, to test myself against some of the absolute best and while I would personally consider you a stronger, better competitor than Dawn Warren, the fact of the matter is, you’re really NOT that much better than her! The fact of the matter is that your daughter turned out to be an also-ran in this company because whether she wants to admit it or not, she tried FAR too hard to follow your example…

She tried WAY too hard to live up to YOUR legacy… or whatever the hell is left of it at this point.

And what did that get her?

NOTHING but a tag team championship she only held for two months anyway.

I get it though, because I made the same mistake your daughter did when I first started my career and even though I accomplished this and accomplished that here and there, the fact of the matter is that my career didn’t start going places until I decided I was through trying to live up to the legacy of my parents. MAYBE instead of being selfish and trying to hang onto your legacy so damn bad, you should’ve done what my mother did with me and that’s sit her down and tell her to NOT follow your example…

…especially since… from the looks of things in your SCW career so far… it’s not even a GOOD example!

You should’ve let her experiment on her own and let her try to make a name for herself without trying to live up to what you’ve done in this business. Or I guess Sass and Bash and Wolfslair were attempts at that? Either way, neither deal worked out for her either.

You failed your daughter when it came to preparing her for this business, you failed her when you couldn’t beat Jessie for the Roulette Championship on two occasions and guess what? On Sunday, you’re going to fail her again because I am going to do what I did in my debut and that’s walk into that ring in a famous international landmark against someone that is coming off of a loss in a championship match and I am going to beat them because unlike you, unlike your daughter, unlike Dawn Warren, I don’t hold onto a family name like a crutch. I do what your daughter should’ve done and that’s break away from the family name and subsequently break away from the pack. Thank fucking god that my mother is a far better one than you’ll ever be, especially when it comes to the professional wrestling business and if you happen to hear my words and happen to get pissed off?

GOOD!

Because I don’t want the Laura Phoenix that thinks that beating JESSIE SALCO defines her legacy as if she is completely incapable of striving for anything higher. I don’t want the Laura Phoenix that speaks in platitudes and lives in this delusion that if she works hard enough and she tries SO MUCH that everything will turn out okay in the end. What I want is the Laura Phoenix on top of her game. I want you to show me ANY fire at all that you can give because the fact of the matter is, I DON’T think that what you’ve shown in Sin City Wrestling so far IS truly your best. Honestly. I want to know what all the hype is about and if pushing the right buttons is what is going to get the best aura Phoenix that I can get, then so be it because ultimately, when I DO beat you, I want to know that I got the best out of you and that I’m not beating someone that just might be hanging on for too long.

You TALK about having that fire within you… but either that fire just isn’t strong enough n the end or you don’t have the fire that you think you do.

But me?

I don’t just TALK about having the fire… I BE about it! I AM that fire… the one that’s going to burn you down to the ground! I’m going to be a champion around here before too long, mark my words on that, Laura. I’ll show you what a real fire looks like and after I beat you? Reevaluate things. Hell, reevaluate everything. Because I think more than anything, other than a TRUE fire you can ride to this REDEMPTION you want THAT badly, is a reckoning that you desperately need to light said fire under your ass.

BE BETTER, Laura…

Because settling for Jessie Salco to define your legacy then losing to her twice ain’t it.

Or are you just too scared to aim higher than that?

Well, this Sunday, that’s exactly what you get to do… and I’m about to reveal to the world exactly why you ARE too scared to aim higher…

I’ll show the world why breaking away from a legacy and doing right by you and you alone is the way to go.

Let Sunday be a lesson on how to TRULY build a legacy to be proud of…

Julianna leaves the scene, having no regrets about any of the stinging words that she just said. The camera takes one last shot of the ruins she spoke her mind from before the shot fades to black.