”GET FUCKING SERIOUS, JAMIE!”The crowd claps their hands wildly as Kittie shoots up from her chair, angrily pointing at Jamie. Jamie had apparently spaced out again. He rolls his eyes, shaking his head in a bit of confusion. He sees Kittie approaching and he instinctively shields his face. However, she stops short and just glares wildly at him. Jamie looks around to inspect his surroundings. The beige and wood motif piques his curiosity until he looks over to see a huge blue screen reading “The Maury Povich Show” and his heart sinks instantly. He shrugs his shoulders as the salt and pepper haired, cardigan-wearing talk show host steps between them. He calmly escorts Kittie back to her seat as the crowd lets out a chorus of “Oohs” and “Ahhs”. Maury quickly looks over to Jamie with a concerned expression spread over his face.
Maury: Mister Staggs… are you… drunk?!
Jamie blinks rapidly for a second, still stunned from the realization of where he is. He looks around at the people ridiculing him and he sluggishly shrugs his shoulders. He looks over to Maury in an almost apologetic manner.
Jamie: Uhh… I don’t know. Probably.
Maury: Let me ask you this, Jamie… Do you even remember why you are here today?
Jamie nods his head as if to say “Of course!” As he opens his mouth, he is dumbstruck once again. He looks around for a clue when he spots a name plate below him. It reads “Jamie Staggs – Professional “wrestler” whose ex-wife prays to God that he is not the father of her baby.” Jamie’s eyebrows furl in anger as he crosses his arms over his chest. He looks over to Kittie and sticks his tongue out. She growls once again and hops up from the chair with cat-like reflexes. She springs over toward him with her claws extended as security heads her off.
Jamie: As a matter of fact, Maury, I do know why I am here. I’m here to take one of those paps smear test to make sure I am, or am not, the father of that child…
Jamie points up to the screen that shows the above picture. A smile spreads across his face as he looks at the child. He scratches his chin curiously before looking back to Maury.
Jamie: See, I am not at all confident that the child isn’t mine… As a matter of fact, I would swear that child is the spittin’ image of me.
Maury: That is very odd. Normally we have men on the show who want to swear up and down that the child isn’t theirs. You seem quite confident that this child is, in fact, yours.
Jamie: Just look at him… That’s like a play ripped right out of my baby book. Is there a picture of him lighting farts and kicking infants in the nuts? If so, I would swear someone picked me up in the Delorean in 1984 and brought me to 2012.
The crowd laughs and agrees with Jamie, clapping their hands. Jamie stands up and gets the crowd riled up for no apparent reason while Kittie is tossed into a cage where the door is locked. She bangs about inside of the cage angrily while the crowd seems amazed by Jamie Staggs doing basically nothing. Even Maury hits a bro bump to the chest before taking his seat in his chair.
Maury: Well, Jamie… You are such an awesome wrestler. I think you know all the moves. You are an incredible prankster, the best baby maker around apparently… Is there anything that you can’t do?
Jamie: The list is way short, Maury, I promise you that. The only things that I can think of that I’m not good at is losing and scoring chicks. Have you followed my Twitter lately?
Maury: You are quite the ladies man. We could probably host a special on all the babies out there that are potentially yours.
Jamie: It’s like a Staggs Army out there, Maury.
Maury: Now, let me ask you… Since you are a proud father, a single stud, and the best of the fucking best, is there anything you would like to say to the world?
Jamie stands up as if arising to a challenge. He stands center stage looking at Maury as the audience bites their nails in anticipation. They gasp as he raises a finger and whisper with speculation as Jamie points right at him.
Jamie: Let’s get fuckin’ druuuunk!!!
As Jamie says this, Giani Di Luca and Aleksei Koji come out onto the stage carrying two beer bongs apiece. Giani hands one to Jamie while Aleksei hands one over to Maury who waves his hands modestly. Jamie throws his free hand up into the air rapidly, doing his best to coax him into partying. Maury stands up and gets in Jamie’s face, raising his eyebrow in a show of aggression.
Maury: You know what? I’ve never had anyone offer me beer on television. I, I just don’t know if I should… BUT I’M GOING TO! Hell Yeah Party Horde!
Jamie lets out a hoarse cheer along with Giani and Aleksei. All four men raise the beer bongs into the air and wrap their lips around the bottom. The crowd, now dressed in Party Horde T-Shirts, issues a countdown. They work quickly through 3, 2, and shout out 1! All four of them let go of their grip on the bottom and they raise the bongs high in the air. Jamie finishes his first and the rest finish in rapid succession. Jamie lets out an extremely long and obnoxiously loud belch and the crowd cheers even louder as Maury high fives him. Inside of the cage, Kittie is cheering for Jamie as well, giving him the “look”. He puts a hand up in her direction and then head bangs across the stage. Just then, the rest of the New X-Tremes come out onto stage, bowing down to Jamie. Spike walks up to Jamie with a proud smile and hands him the NWA World Heavyweight Championship. He too bows down to Jamie.
Spike: I’m not WORTHY! I’m not WORTHY!
Jamie nods and humbly helps his big brother up off of his knees. He points everybody off stage as Maury sits down sloppily in his chair. He takes a deep breath as the stage clears out. Jamie nods his head as he makes one last round across the stage to get the crowd behind him. He sits down in his seat and looks over to Maury.
Jamie: That’s how you get shit done on Sweeps Week, scro!
Maury: Just having your general awesomeness on my show is enough, but this party? We should do this every month!
Jamie: Yeah, I’m pretty much the most awesome person in the world Maury.
Maury: That is so true, Jamie… So true. Now, since I have you here right now, why don’t I go ahead and ask you about that little match you have against what’s his name…
Jamie rolls his eyes and nods his head, propping up the NWA World Heavyweight Championship belt on his shoulders. He sighs as the crowd boos.
Jamie: I know, most people don’t know who the hell that guy is because he isn’t a Staggs or a friend of the Staggs family. His name is Nick Jones and somehow he managed to beat my former tag partner, Rage. He probably bored him to death with his nonstop bitching about deserving things and stuff…
Maury: Oh… One of “those”… This guy sounds like a real tool.
Jamie: The biggest there is, Maury! I always see him complaining that things aren’t fair, and he will probably do the same thing, saying it’s not fair that he has to be put against someone of my level of talent. He knows he’s gonna lose that belt to me in like three minutes or something. He needs his posse, but I don’t need anyone to pwn this punk. I’m gonna walk in with this championship of the world, and I’m gonna walk out with two.
Maury: Well., there isn’t enough championships for your awesomeness Jamie. Two titles isn’t enough, but it is a start. You are the better of the Staggs brothers.
Jamie: Please, please Maury… I like to think of myself as a humble guy. I’m not the better Staggs brother. I am the dominant one. I am the handsome one. I am the best one… But I am not the better one. That is why my brother will not be facing Nick Jones for the title, because Nick will get his second chance at the belt where I beat him at the supercard.
Maury: Like he stands a chance…
Jamie: RIGHT?!? He can bring his whole entourage out to the ring and I’ll put the smack down on them all and walk away with his skank of a girlfriend!
Kittie: HEY!
Kittie reaches out from inside of the cage angrily, like a wild beast. Maury and Jamie both look over at her with raised eyebrows. Maury points a thumb back at Kittie, shaking his head in disbelief.
Maury: Why did you marry that? She’s a fucking lunatic!
Jamie: I know, but there’s a reason I put a bun in that oven… She fights like a champ, and she bangs like one too.
Maury: Hmmm… I can see that.
Maury strokes his chin curiously as Kittie bats her eyelashes innocently and modestly shrugging her shoulders. Jamie hits a fight pump with a smile on his face. He turns his attention back to Maury as the audience lets out a resounding “Oooooh!”
Maury: So, after you take out Nick Jones and win the SCW Heavyweight Championship, what are your plans?
Jamie: I thought about taking over the world, but I don’t think they are ready for that. So I’m probably just gonna bang a bunch of chicks and drink beers with my infant son!
Maury: They do say it’s best to bond with the little poop and barf machines, and what better way than to share a beer with an infant. You should start a campaign and jump in for president of 2012.
Jamie raises an eyebrow as the camera closes in on his face. He puts a hand against the side of his mouth as he whispers to the camera.
Jamie: It wouldn’t be the worst campaign move out there this round. Did anyone else watch Clint Eastwood and instantly think of a Porky Pig segment? The-baduh the-baduh that’s all folks… Now get the fuck outta here old man…
Maury: Huh?
Jamie: Oh nothing… Say, what do the results have to say?
Maury holds a finger up into the air and pulls out an envelope. He slowly pulls it open and takes a look at the results. He looks around the audience, then to Jamie for a moment. He looks into the camera in a very dramatic manner. Suddenly, five gorgeous ladies walk from backstage and surround Jamie. A brunette, a blonde, a redhead, a petit Asian beauty, and a voluptuous Latina circle around him, rubbing his shoulders, ruffling his hair, as the redhead sits in his lap. He is momentarily distracted but looks over to Maury as the women continue to feign over him.
Maury: Jamie Staggs…
Jamie: Yeah?
Maury: I was just reading the results…
Jamie: Ohhh, gotcha. Please continue then.
Maury: You are…
Just then, Jamie’s eyes shoot open. He lifts his head from the pillow and brushes his tangled hair out of his face. His eyes search around the room in a sort of panic, realizing he is sleeping in his hotel room in China. He sighs, shaking his head.
Jamie: Damn… It was just a dream? Where are all the ladies? I LOVE YOU WOMENNNNN! Too much? Eh…
{{Fade}}
OOC Note: I apologize for the rushed work. It’s been a week from hell and I didn’t have the right amount of time to dedicate to this. I hope you guys enjoyed it anyway
