The infinite sadness
Saying goodbyes, never easy. No matter how many times you do it and no matter how many times you are forced to make tough decisions. The fact that you have to say goodbye to people and know that it is the last time you’ll say it is always a heartbreaker. But what happens when those goodbyes are one-sided? What happens when you don’t get to actually say goodbye and hear the word set in return? That kind of loss is not exclusive to someone like Austin. It is something that we’ve all had to deal with in one point or another in our lives. It is something that we will all have to see and do and feel.
But Austin has had to do it more than most. He never got to say goodbye to his father, he never got to say goodbye to his mother in any meaningful way, as she just stay into space without any type of acknowledgement. And he never got to say goodbye to Lisa. The mother of his children, the woman who he thought he was going to be with for the rest of his life.
And there is no replacement for this. You don’t replace people in and out of your life like you do things and objects. A mother is irreplaceable, a father is irreplaceable, and someone who you have a child with. Someone who you thought you were going to build a life with is definitely irreplaceable. And even though Austin knew that love, even though he had someone in his life, that was going to be there by his side as a partner, She was not a replacement for Lisa. Any more than Lisa would be a replacement for Alicia.
But saying goodbye in a different way, was never going to be easy.
It was cold, the fresh snow on the ground, made a crunching noise as Austin‘s large black leather boots broke the skin of it. Each step taking him closer and closer as his large black overcoat hugged his skin. His growing hair tied back as he looked around and turned down a small row of tombstones. Turning again as he made his way down towards a large tree before turning and hanging a left. He looked down, his voice shaking as he went to say something, but the words just wouldn’t come. His hands stayed in the pocket of his large overcoat.
”You know I was never…religious.” his deep voice boomed. He was more confident than last time. The last time that he stepped foot in this cemetery to talk to Lisa, he was a wreck. A man who had no idea what to do in his career. A man who was lost. But now he seemed more sure of himself. ”I have found myself thinking more and more about my life. About where I’m going and what I’m doing. And, last time I was here, talking to you, I had no idea what I was doing.” He paused, thinking about his next words carefully before choosing them. ”Was it just a coincidence? That last time I was here I was at a crossroads in my life and career? And I was facing the same man? Is it some sort of divine joke?...I don’t know…”
He trailed off, laughing to himself as the irony wasn’t lost on him. The last time he came to talk to Lisa, the last time he was standing in this exact cemetery, and looking at this exact tombstone, was right before facing the same man that he is about to face this week. And things did not go his way. In fact, he felt like he lost a bit of himself that night. But he gained so much more. ”You know how much I hate losing. And it seems like in life and the ring thats what I was doing. Losing. Struggling. But, things have been better since I simply…let go…I lost last time, and the world didn’t end. I felt…free.”
He looked off into the distance before moving, his gays back down to the tombstone. He lowered himself down to one knee and shook his head with a laugh. ”Ironic right? Feeling free through a loss? I guess you did give me guidance…thank you…”
He smiled, not even hearing the footsteps come up behind him. But after a few moments, he was able to feel someone there, his smile becoming wider before hearing her voice. ”A girl could get jealous…talking to your ex and all…” Austin chuckled, turning to find Alicia standing there. A large red and black overcoat staying on top as she hugs, her arms around her own chest with the hood pulled up over the top. She hated winter, she hated everything about it and disliked snow. Austin, however loved this time of year. ”Does it help? Talking to her?”
”A little…it’s more that I’m talking to myself…doing it this way just gives me clarity…”
Alicia smiled warmly. She gave a small knot, as if understanding exactly what he means. Her eyes started to the side, she felt uneasy and shuffled awkwardly. Austin raised an eyebrow and tilted his head. He didn’t want to ask and make her feel even more awkward. But Alicia knew she had to answer. To give a reason. ”You know…he’s buried over there right?” he didn’t. He didn’t know that Michael was buried a few yards away. He swallowed hard and felt anger rise but pushed it back down. For Alicia. ”I haven’t been there since I found everything out….I can’t bring myself to even look at his grave…let alone talk to it…” She shook her head, a look of guilt and sadness coming over her face.
Austin stepped forward, putting an arm around her shoulder and pulling Alicia into a hog. Holding her tight and slowly rubbing her back. It wasn’t her fault, Austin knew it and deepdown, so did Alicia. But there was still a feeling of guilt there. Over what Michael did. Guilt over what happened to Austin and his family as a result of his selfish actions. But Austin didn’t blame her, and no one should. He leaned down and kissed Alicia's forehead. Squeezing her tight and trying to calm her down. ”No one would blame you if you did….he was still your husband…flawed or not…shit Ali..I’m not perfect…”
Alicia chuckled, relaxing. ”Oh I know…”
Austin couldn’t help but laugh and shoot her, a faint her look. Alicia just smiled and shook her head, turning and walking back towards the path. Austin followed, moving towards the entrance, and, reaching out, grabbing Alicia‘s hand, giving it a squeeze.”Thank you for coming with me….I know it was a strange requestbut I needed you here…”
”I know…and honestly…part of me owed it to her…”
Old Enemies
”Deja Vu…”
Austin chuckled, his arms folding over his chest as he let out a deep breath and continued.
”I was sceptical as the world championship was vacated. The idea of a tournament Crown a new champion left a sour taste in my mouth, as I always believe that I’m unless the champion is damned dying. They should be trying to defend that championship and go out on their sword. but as this tournament was unveiled, and as the names were being read off, I realise that this was my chance of redemption. A chance to beat some of the best in this company and stake my claim as the champion that everyone believes I should be. I’m not going to sit here and make excuses. I’ve lost a lot of matches that I should’ve won. I’ve lost championships that I should’ve kept, But all of those losses are on me.”
“The truth is that in this life, when you are faced with these things, the only person that you can blame for your losses and shortcomings is yourself. It’s something that’s so many in this company just don’t understand. When faced with a loss, and when faced with the fact that they have failed, most people don’t look inward and take the blame onto themselves. instead they make excuses. It is always someone else’s fault. Always someone else’s problem, always an outside influence that stopped them from realising their dreams and goals. Or, they ignored completely. Sticking their head in the sand, and not even acknowledging when they have failed.”
“This is the most common approach. It’s one done by 80% of the people in this company and in this business at large. But I have never been one to shy away from my losses. I always talk about them, and I always make sure that everyone else knows about them.”
“My world championship loss to senior Vinny, my Internet championship lost to senior Vinny, the mix, tagteam, championship loss, all of these things I wear on my sleeve as well as all the failed attempts of winning championships. But very quickly losses had become much more frequent than wins. I face people who I am believed to be much better better than and I destroy them, but when I’m face with anyone who is of equal value, I have stumbled and fallen.”
He chuckles to himself, shaking his head with ba large sigh.
”I avenged my loss to Oliver Zahn before. It was a great feeling. I hope Oliver steps back and looks at himself and comes back better. Because whether or not you’d like that kids attitude, he definitely has a massive upside. He has an incredible amount of skill and drive. He has a bright future in professional wrestling and I could see him being a world champion. I could see him getting in the ring and standing to toe with people like myself, and people like Finn and people like my opponent this week. Goth.”
“ Now, as much as I want to celebrate that win, I really can’t. This is a tournament and it just keeps on rolling. But now I have to look forward, always to the next match, always for the next opportunity. And if I’m being honest with myself something seemed off when it came to Oliver almost like he mentally wasn’t there. I’m not making excuses for the kid, I’m just stating a fact. Something I seem to do a lot, I state facts and people get angry about that because they don’t like a mirror being held up to their faces.”
“But what is more important, and it’s something that everyone should do, is hold that same mirror up to themselves. Something that is hard to do. Right Goth?”
“You’d know all about those difficulties wouldn’t you? The difficulty of going through losses and troubles and having to claw your way back. The feeling of being the biggest champion and star in a company before fading into irrelevancy and that led to you leaving for the longest time. Only for you to have a grand return. But, lets have a look down memory lane. 2013 you were a two time SCW champion. Ten years ago you were the biggest star in the company. Beating everyone who stepped up to you. Everyone.”
“Kind of”
“See, we romanticize the past. We look at it with rose tinted glasses. And when I look back at my championship reign, my world title run, I can smile. I can be proud. I beat fucking Fenris for that thing. FENRIS. A mab who so many thought was unbeatable until I showed cracks in his armor. ME. I did that. I then went and had five months of greatness. Five months of putting this fucking company on my back. The truth is…we are not the same…”
Austin can’t help but scoff and shake his head pacing back and forth.
”So I get it. You have this drive, this monster inside. A monster that won’t let you quiet that makes you step forward and do everything in your power to claw back that former glory. And now, well now you’re two steps from that. You beat me and you get to go on to face Finn Whelan for the championship. Two steps Goth, two. And your ego has got to be full and bursting right?” I mean after all. You just beat Alexander Raven, a guy who was one of the favorites, at least in my mind, to win the whole thing.”
“And you beat him. You beat him in front of the whole world Goth. All to earn a match against a man who you have already beaten. In fact you beat me not that long ago. The end of last year. You beat me and went on your merry way. Rodrigo, Carter, Raven. All have fallen to you in the last few months. To put it bluntly, you’re on a roll and you could be the next SCQ world champion…”
“But then again…you might not.”
“You beat me you have to get passed Finn and all that is a big IF Goth. I am not a pushover. I’m not someone who can simply be beaten whenever someone else feels like it. You get into the ring with Austin, James Mercer, and you get in the ring to fight. You know damn well that I will bring everything that I am into this smash, and you might not walk out the winner. However, if you decide you’re gonna listen to your ego and believe that you can beat me as easily and as quickly as you have people like Rodrigo, just because you beat me back in November? That’s gonna be your downfall. You and I are two of the biggest strongest and best in this company. And which ever one of us wins has even more of an uphill battle. But good luck because you are going to need it”
