“... and you might say “no, you will never do that, that’s not you, not who I know, not who I thought you were”
and I will say
“watch me”
for I never did this to fit in
or stand out
but to live.”
― Charlotte Eriksson
Undisclosed Fairgrounds
Somewhere In The Midwest
03.04.2006
1:57am
“Shhhhhh…”
Josephine McDermit turned noisily to the girls following, her movements blissfully exaggerated bordering on comical, her dark tresses- a day or two beyond unwashed- tumbled around her rosy cheeks and green eyes that caught the limited light as though in flames.
“You guys are gonna wake everyone”
Her noisy trialing hiss caused Amber paused instinctively,cause after all, this whole stupid venture had been against her wishes from the start. Granted it hadn’t stopped her in indulging in a couple of adult beverages, the promise of homebrew moonshine from some local boys had been pivotal but the result was lacklustre and while potent, wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. Months from 18, Amber was the oldest of the devious trio by only a few months, Josie had been around a few months but already seemed to have quite the influence over the youngest- Cassidy- in a way that Amber wasn’t sure she liked.
Under the guise of spending some time ‘in town’ the girls had managed to convince Grizz and Josie’s step-father, a ride jockey known to most as ‘Gears’ to allow them to leave unsupervised. Being the oldest and arguably slightly more responsible, Amber had been put in charge- although in this moment creeping back through trailers and trucks bordering an open camp space, knowingly intoxicated and smelling the rancid stench radiate of the girls, she sorely wished that it hadn’t been the case.
… “Come on Red, it's just a little bit of fun.” …
Josie had needled her, she’d met a couple cute local boys who were still young enough to consider carnies ‘exotic’- but not so much they were inclined to call them ‘gypsy trash’ as was becoming more and more common. They’d told her they were planning a bonfire just down the road later, perhaps thinking that these ‘carnies’ would somehow give their shitty little together some kind of douchey prestige.
Promises had been made and Cassidy, despite having just celebrated her 15th birthday weeks earlier, had bought in the moment it was mentioned.
… “Yeah Amber, we can go and be real people for a little while”...
That had been her latest misconception, the idea that they weren’t ‘normal’ or ‘real’ as if those things had ever mattered to a teenager outside of their emo phase. Amber had been reluctant to say the least, the whole idea stank to the high heavens of trouble- promises from boys stealing their parents booze stash to impress strangers didn’t resonate as heavily with her as it had with the others.
Eventually though, she’d relented as she always did.
… “Fine, but we go for a couple hours max. Just a couple drinks and then we leave… got it?”...
Somehow, it seemed like the redhead was the only one who got it.
Too many hours had passed, and too many drinks consumed. Finally Amber had put her foot down when Josie had disappeared for more than 15 minutes with two of the boys into the trees, dragging a drunken Cassidy by the scruff of the neck Amber had called Josie out on her bullshit. Not that it seemed to sink in, the boys were still sober enough to move on but Josie… Well, it just didn’t quite sink in.
Smart girl, but so very dumb and so very drunk.
With the edges of her peripheral blurring slightly, Amber squinted as Cassidy tripped over her own feet taking a rough tumble into the hard ground. Josie didn’t seem to notice though, her own delirium leading her further ahead as she hummed to herself far less quietly than she realized.
That was the issue with alcohol, Amber mused whilst trying to maintain her own balance, it exaggerated the perception of ability and in turn boosting confidence in a way that left the recipient flat on their face far more often than steady on their feet.
A trailer light flickered on, casting a jaundiced glow across the tents scattered haphazardly throughout the open space. Amber, slightly preoccupied with getting Cassidy upright, didn’t notice Josie scurry off towards her step-fathers trailer on the far side ducking down the side and into the shadows.
Out of sight, out of mind never seemed to ring so true as Cassidy garbled something incoherent. Eyes glazed, the lights were on but nobody seemed to be home- at least until she doubled over abruptly, launching the contents of her stomach into a grassy patch near their feet. For Amber, and the faint throbbing headache she could feel coming on, the dilemma quickly became either being a good friend and trying to avoid splash damage.
“God fucking damn it, what the hell are you…”
Grizz slowed to a halt upon approach, perhaps partially because he’d neglected to put shoes on before leaving his trailer and feared not being able to see the edge of the growing acrid puddle of bile and poorly brewed moonshine and partially because two people he hadn’t expected to see where tangled in a mess of limbs and gargling, retching noises.
His hulking frame blocked most of the light from his trailer, illuminating his silhouette in the dark as he loomed- Amber wanted to explain, to reason but her words were lost long before they ever reached her lips.
“I just cannot even begin to- no, you know what… Cassidy.”
At the mention of her name, if only out of instinct rather than actual presence of mind, Cassidy lifted her head and tried to give her father a bleary-eyed smile as though he hadn’t just witnessed the cascade of foul muck escaping her over-worked system. Amber couldn’t forget that smile, blonde curls falling in her face and an innocent albeit empty gaze that softened everything it touched. Amber knew she hadn’t intended it, but it was effective nonetheless.
“... Go to bed, I’ll deal with you in the morning.”
Amber doubted that the 15 year old had comprehended any of that, no doubt the hangover would be far worse than anything her father could come up with, at least on the spot. Straightening up slight, the redhead had hoped that perhaps a better posture might indicate some semblance of responsibility, that she was in sound enough mind to get the girls back in one-
“There were three of you. Where’s Josie…”
His statement confirmed Amber’s suspicion, his tone indicative of curiosity rather than expectancy of a perceived correct answer. She didn’t dare make eye contact but felt compelled to do so anyway, Grizz;s expression softened into parental disappointment and exasperation rather than outright rage- a good a sign as any for-
“Well?”
Amber hadn’t realized that 30 seconds had passed while she contemplated, time moved differently when intoxicated. Hell, even the concept of it didn’t quite seem real, like a construct designed to-
Fuck. Say something.
“I- uh”
A female, lithe silhouette not dissimilar from her own shifted slightly in the shadows. This was all her fucking stupid idea, her convincing Cassidy to take her side knowing the younger girl would agree to anything that sounded remotely more interesting than hanging around here another night.
All her goddamn fault they were in this situation and all cause she wanted to play ‘damsel’ for boys who could barely keep it alive long enough to catch a sight of some accidental, albeit tasteful side boob.
“She… She got back before us.”
Those words tasted like bile, bitter and viscose on the back of her tongue. Swallowing hard, the shadow disappeared finally up the trailer steps and inside before Grizz even considered looking in that direction. Amber tried not to stare but it was difficult not to feel jaded, to hope that maybe he’d call her bluff and catch her in a lie… Instead he laid a heavy hand on her shoulder, if it were covered in any more hair she might have suspected it belonged to his namesake, and a small part of her found the idea preferable if only because she might not understand the bears lecture on disappointment.
“I trusted you. These girls trusted you, you were supposed to keep them safe… Yeah sure, you all got back no worries, but what if they didn’t. Think about that for a minute, what if something happened- would you be able to forgive yourself?
I know I wouldn’t be able to. You’re like a daughter to me, Bambi, but sometimes... I wonder if you believe it.”
Everything that hadn’t already sunk inside Amber, dropped to the floor. Grizz hadn’t raised his voice, he hadn’t cussed or carried on, hadn’t woken everyone else and created a spectacle as much as she was sure he was tempted. A faint squeeze, almost to the point Amber wondered if she imagined it, and then his hand was gone- a weight literally lifted from her shoulder only leaving her with a greater one tucked between her ribs.
“I do it's just---”
Words failing, Amber realized the futility of reasoning, of arguing, of speaking as her syllables trailed into a faded nothing in particular. He didn’t want to be reasoned with, argued with… Noise was just that and it changed nothing.
… “You were supposed to keep them safe” …
Digging her hands into her cargo pant pockets- her fingertips found a small, silver pendant. At one point it might have been an angel, however it was missing a wing, snapped away after being jostled a little too hard, and it's face had been worn into an inspecific nothingness from years of skin acids and desperate prayers. With fingers entwined with the chain, Amber traced her thumb over the angel's features like she had done so many times before…
“Get some sleep Bambi, tomorrow is another day.”
Another cut in the invisible thousand that had already been delivered, Cassidy and Grizz had tottered off back to his trailer as Amber tried to block the sound of further retching in the near distance. Mustering the words as best she could, Amber tried to call out after the pair although the sound came out weak and squeaky.
“Grizz…”
… “You’re like a daughter to me, Bambi, but sometimes... I wonder if you believe it” ...
Pausing, his arm rested softly against the back of his daughter.
“... I’m sorry.”
Silence. Nothing until the door of the trailer closed softly in their wake…
Only for another to squeak open, perhaps if she weren’t so hyped on a weird combination of an alcohol crash and surging adrenaline, she might have missed the sound of another trailer door opening. Josie, solemn and yet content mouthed two words to Amber in the flickering lights that remained…
… “Thank you” …
******
“It was never meant to be this way.
That's not some stupid hyperbole or carny speak trying to get the world riled up enough they they beg and bray for my head, no… When this all started, there was method to the madness.
I tried to tell you this before and instead you shrugged me off cause it doesn’t fit the heroes narrative structure, it's an act out of turn and a chapter well out of place- an epilogue in the middle of your climax.
Maybe you’ll listen this time Hero, or not.
I guess it doesn’t matter nearly as much now, does it?
Let me explain why...
When I walked through these doors Roxi, I came to you straight up with one intention and one intention alone- that we’d finally meet face to face in the ring, parallels finally on a collision course. I told you from the start that you were just like me, walking around in a heroes cape with a photogenic smile waiting for your next paparazzi shot outside a burning building.
Little exaggerated of course, but what isn’t in this little game of ours…
I just wanted to prove to you that being like me, being ugly on the inside wasn’t a death sentence, it wasn’t something terminal that might leave you a mumbling vegetable eating cold soup through a tube. I wanted to prove that heroes… didn’t… really… exist.
Time and time again though, you let me down.
Don’t you get it?!?
It was never meant to go this way… Gnashing at each the others throats like animals and seeking blood like it might be the only thing that could keep us ticking over. No Roxi, it was supposed to be BEAUTIFUL… We had the potential to do so much more, to show the world that the grey area between good and evil was far more dazzling and lucrative than the contrast heavy lens you so proudly sport. We were supposed to show the wrestling world something they hadn’t seen- something you’ve kept locked away from prying eyes and judgemental hearts.
It was supposed to fucking mean something… and you blew it.
You came into Summer XXXTreme trying to wear the white hat, sticking to your moral guns and swearing you wouldn’t ‘stoop’ to my level as though you weren’t already there. Roxi, hell ain’t so bad if you can simply accept that you’re there instead of pretending like you’re just passing through like one of those shitty tourists seeking out disaster zones.
You came into a match with me clenching your morals tighter than you clenched your fist and if you think I wasn’t sorely disappointed, well you don’t know me nearly as well as you think you do.
Most people would be ecstatic to accept a win like that- worthwhile payday, semi main event on a stacked card, high profile and higher stakes… Half the people on this roster would have given their left nut to be in my place that night, and that's just the bombshells.
You’d think I was on goddamn cloud nine after that match- and I get back after right, and I sit down and something just gnaws at my guts. Can’t really explain it, but it's ravenous and it's leaving my insides like swiss cheese.
I keep replaying the match over in my head, you know?
Was it something I did, could I have done more… Did I do too much? The answer to which is absolutely not cause we’re having another go around, if I’d been more effective I’d be using this time to write a sweet albeit scathing eulogy before giving your widow the proverbial finger.
… in case you need to explain it to her, yeah… that one.
Over and over like a shitty VCR tape that gets a little grainier, a little worse to watch every view I’m wracking my brains as my insides are being shredded by this feeling I can’t quantify.
So I look at it from a different perspective, that, like everything else in this godforsaken situation…
Maybe I’m not the problem.
Shock and fucking horror right?
What a novel concept. You came into that match with a plan, a strategy, I saw it in your eyes that you had something in mind- and as soon as I hit you square in the mouth that plan seemed to go with the rest of your motivation.
You stopped trying. You gave up as the ghost long before I pummelled you into the floor- did it stop me, why would it? I’ll be the first to admit I get a little tunnel vision when the red stuff starts flowing- I’ve been told I should see a professional but they stopped wanting to see me after they got an accidental nosebleed that one time…
You knew, in your heart of hearts, that you were a lost cause in that moment and you stopped. You literally just ragdolled me like you might to stop a bear attacking you.
See, people call me disrespectful in this situation but the fact that if you go back and watch that match- which I have more than I will openly admit… Your motivation plummets the moment you realize how woefully outmatched you are, how absurdly you underestimated me and how quickly you’re willing to concede when you realize things just aren’t going your way.
You’d think being the hero and all that something miraculous might happen in that moment, you know? A sidekick comes in to save you, maybe a loved one gives you that emotional boost you desperately need to overcome the mean old villain.
Sin City Wrestling isn't a place for miracles. It's not a place for heroes and villains- it's a place where you come out and you fight for everything you’re worth and at Summer XXXtreme you proved not only how much you were worth, but how much you thought I was too.
Tell me Roxi, what changed…
Did you grow a backbone presumably? Did you finally start to click that this doesn’t end when I win, which I’m generally expected to do cause I have a reputation I’m willing to uphold instead of crumbling in the face of adversity. Did you look at your beautiful little family and realize that you were so very nearly willing to leave them high and dry simply because you might get a little more sympathy going out as a martyr instead of an outright coward?
Let me be very clear Roxi, you insulted me on a personal level at Summer XXXTreme because you took everything I had done and said and you wrote it off as propaganda, as though it meant nothing to you. You walked into a match with me so underprepared I’m surprised Gordon Ramsay wasn’t screaming at you the whole time with two pieces of bread in his hands…
There is a very bloody good reason Roxi, just why I am considered one of the most dangerous fighters in this business, man or woman alike. You don’t get to look down your nose at me for the way I’ve conducted my business, nor the places to which I’m willing to lower myself if it means I get to where I want to go…
Perhaps it's up to me to explain it this time Roxi, cause I think this is something you’ll have a real hard time admitting.
What has changed… is nothing.”
******
Mac Bane’s House
Baltimore, MD
14.09.2020
5:57am
To say things hadn’t been going all that smoothly for Amber recently in the world of professional wrestling might have been considered an understatement.
In one company she was undoubtedly on fire, a four match winning streak with the wind firmly at her back and sights set on a rematch that played especially into her wheelhouse- while in the other it had become quite the opposite, not having won since the end of June including losing the Carnage World title to a man not looking entirely dissimilar to a used condom whilst managing to be devoid of literally all it's charm.
It was quite the stark comparison, certainly not lost on the redhead perched on the front steps of a house in the suburbs- one just like her mother would have wanted for her, one that would have been at the cost of wrestling… of a real life… of happiness.
Pulling her hoodie in a little closer, the morning chill still snuck between her layers and danced across her skin. She’d slipped out from between the sheets leaving the larger form of Mac Bane still contentedly asleep- he needed it, deserved it far more than she did.
His recent successes in Carnage were what was expected of her, dominant and impressive. Setting the bar higher and higher as she slowly slipped further away. Sin City was calling on the horizon though, somehow the shine hadn’t quite rubbed off on her there yet- still a little bit of glitter left before the ugly metal beneath was exposed and people lost interest cause the new toy didn’t look nearly as pretty compared to the others anymore.
Maybe if she could just get the title before then, she might---
Slow the fuck down turbo. Amber was getting way too ahead of herself, that tunnel vision sneaking up on her once more- Roxi came first, she always did cause she had to… Even if she didn’t deserve the place in the forefront of her mind like she had done previously.
Now there was a toy losing it's shine… Amber shook her head subconsciously as she fumbled in her pocket for the cigarette packet- she’d promised she’d quit but always kept a pack handy for when the world got a little too sharp at the edges. Releasing the crumpled pack from the confines of her pocket, she fumbled briefly trying to get one- time and wrestling had taken its toll on her joints, her fingers especially were getting bad at times, cold was the worst where they’d ache and seize. Little things taken for granted were becoming fewer and far between…
Fuck, she left her lighter inside.
“You know, I thought you said you quit.”
Lost in her own thoughts she hadn’t heard Mac Bane approach the door, for a man well over 6 foot and pushing 300lbs he always managed to amaze her with his light-footedness. Usually she’d pick him from a mile away, his distinct cadence and footfall was almost as rhythmic as the thunder of her pulse but it seemed like it was her mind that was lost somewhere in the distance this time.
“Yeah, two days ago. Now I don’t.”
He chuckled softly crossing the wooden porch, coffee mugs tightly gripped in hands that should have been two big to hold them. Steaming gently, Amber gratefully accepted one and allowed the faintly bitter scent to drag her back to reality- she always joked that she took her coffee like her insides… Black and bitter. No sugar cause she was sweet enough as it were and no cream cause it felt like cheating. Truth was far less interesting though, she didn’t take cream cause she was lactose intolerant and no sugar cause it was always faster to order in diners and saved on small talk cause the waitresses thought she was a psycho.
Still, they’d both chuckled when she first said it almost 7 months earlier, it was the first time he’d stayed with her in Atlantic City…
Seemed peculiar somehow- he was fire like a raging Texas inferno, passionate and protective. A true gentleman who knew how to take a punch before throwing one that would end a fight. Amber however, she quietly mused as the coffee swirled poignantly, was more like ice… Brittle and deathly cold to the touch, could be shattered into a million pieces and only become more lethal. Standoffish and transparent, a human hall of mirrors only for those with the wherewith all not to stare too deep.
Mac produced a lighter, her lighter, as if instinctively aware of her plight. Somehow he had answers before she could ever utter questions- how she’d gotten a man like this in her life was astounding, people like her didn’t deserve this kind of love and decency. People like her absolutely didn’t deserve people like him and eventually, she knew sadly, he’d come to realize that. For the moment though, she was quietly grateful and even just sitting in silence seemed to spark something inside her that had long since smouldered into ash.
“Whatever it is, you know I’ve got you.”
“Hmmmm?”
“That far away look in your eyes, I’d recognize it anywhere.”
It was as though she were glass, even cracked and distorted he somehow managed to see straight on through her.
“Am I wrong?”
It was a loaded question to say the least, especially one not bordered with context. Mac paused thoughtfully though, pulling out a cigarette from her packet with a sly smile before the *snick* of the lighter broke their comfortable silence.
“Depends I suppose. If you believe enough in something then it could be argued that no, it can’t be… Some people believe so heavily against religion they burn churches, some hate lab testing on animals so they destroy laboratories. Some people believe they love another person so much they can’t do any wrong despite the fact they’re distinctly aware they’ll likely die at their hand.
Isolated to the act, yes it's morally wrong… speak to those involved though, and they’ll tell you they are absolutely correct and are simply acting in a way to prove their thinking to others.”
Mac takes a short draw form the cigarette before allowing it to slowly billow out into the morning air.
“Darling, no one ever believes they are the villain in their own story…”
******
“Tell me I’m wrong Roxi.
Please, I’m begging you to show me something that isn’t gonna leave me dry-retching out of disappointment. You’re telling everyone that things are gonna be different this time, that you changed and that means something very bad for me…
Do me a favour Roxi, and I mean honestly if you ever do one then make it this.
Stop lying.
This whole optimistic charade of hope and sunshine rainbows has fallen down around you, save that nonsense for Candy cause at least she’s the only one still a little foolish enough to actually believe any of it. Besides, she’s gotta have something going for her right?
Seriously though, it's gotta stop.
All this false hope and ‘determination’ that you promise you’ll do better, that you’re a whole different Roxi with a whole different frame of mind is just… it's honestly bullshit. I looked you squarely in the eye at Climax Control and you’re just the same as you ever were- brilliantly determined to be a do-gooder but entirely incapable of recognizing when the schtick isn’t working.
Is it to ease the minds of the people who care about you, trying to reassure them that you absolutely aren’t knowingly walking into a meat grinder all over again cause you think it proves something about being ethical and decent.
For the record, it only proves that your blood bleeds as red as anyone else's. You aren’t special, only delusional. Sooner you learn that, the far less heartache you’ll cause with your surprisingly timely passing.
Do you think that those watching will think better of you cause you found your mean streak between the couch cushions? Oh sure, we brawled a bit and exchanged some fisticuffs- yeah that was fun, but what does that actually prove… That between Summer XXXtreme and now you remembered that you know how to throw a punch, that you’re this edgy rebel defying the rules cause I did it first and that totally makes you better than me still.
That you’re anymore of a letdown than you were before?
I’m disappointed already and we haven’t even squared up.
All I want from you is an admission- and you’re willing to do absolutely anything to avoid that. Heaven forbid that you might be doing the right thing by simply acknowledging that maybe you’re wrong, heaven fucking forbid that it might be beneficial to anyone around you to accept that you’re as ugly on the inside as I am.
See, now I imagine you’re getting a little ticked off with all this… Maybe you’re fighting with your precious wife cause despite being a bit of a dunce, she sees what you aren’t willing to. You’ll tell her and anyone who’ll listen that you’re absolutely nothing like me- despite the fact you proved recently you have the capacity to stoop even just a little.
There's a little grey in that black, white and red Roxi. Ain’t no shame in that.
Maybe you’ll tell those who try to reason with you that I’m a sociopath and a monster, and while I’m partially inclined to agree- it's still not a very nice thing to say to someone, who already has the intention of putting their fist through the back of your head so they can gouge your eyes out in reverse.
I can admit my faults darling, I can stand here without a second thought and tell you I’ve done some absolutely heinous things, abhorrent things just to get to the stage of my career that I have.
To survive as long as I have…
That's the strange thing about the human race.
If they think you’ve gained something from it, acting violently and ruthlessly is seen as a detriment… But for purposes of survival, we’re willing to accept absolutely revolting truths about ourselves, we’re willing to let slide things that would otherwise have us ostracized in seconds.
You got into this industry cause it was cool, cause you’re good at it… I got into it as a way of survival- I’ve bled on far more dirty canvases, fallen through things not designed to impact the human body, been beaten to death more times than I’m sure your sweet little boy has had hot dinners so that I could get to the same place… To earn a living… To survive as more than just some carny trash.
I won’t deny it though- I've gone out of my way to torment and manipulate you in ways you have yet to even fathom- you're looking over your shoulder, around every corner and every dark space inside and out of your head expecting to see me wearing a stupid fucking smile on my face.
I’m every bit of the monster you make me out to be cause that's what I’ve had to be, cause if I wasn’t I’d not be standing here telling you all the ways you continually disappoint me and everyone who doesn’t buy into your puppet show.
Sociopath though- that might be a bit much, a little hyperbole never goes astray but it implies that I don't have empathy, that I lack feelings… I do have feelings you know, I wish you'd understand that as you consistently hurt them.
Granted, most of them are a casual disdain and otherwise total indifference… I like to think they still qualify.
There are people on this roster who would tell you a far different story- turns out some people around here don't actually hate me, they don't think I crawled out of the depths of hell solely to wreck havoc… After all, I have far more lucrative intentions than that obviously.
Which reminds me, hey Evie, that's a real nice title you got there…Be a shame if---
That's right, we don’t threaten friends for titles. Somehow I just keep forgetting that not everyone around here shares your warped perception of reality Roxi.
Funny really, that the ideal, the woman who is supposed to be holding us all to a higher standard, the quintessential role model in this bloodthirsty, deviant landscape is the one who outright thinks that I’m the biggest piece of shit walking these halls when there are plenty of other girls who should be wiped off the face of the Earth cause they get offended by ice-cream of all things.
And Jessie Salco cause bitch has issues man…
Oh dear, I'm getting distracted. That happens more often than not, perhaps that's the problem with juggling so many chainsaws- you tend to start losing track of which ones are safely in the air and which ones are slicing through your arm.
Never mind, tis but a flesh wound right…
It's funny when you look at it from the corners of your eye- that we’re so determined to hold others to a standard that which mirrors our own and yet time after time you fail to live up to the archetype you promised. God, it's like receiving a Christmas present and every indication suggests that something you really, really want lies inside that wrapping- but then you open it and it's a Lady Bedlam action figurine with the sale price tag still labelling it at $2.50.
How very bland.
Speaking of- nice to see that Evie and Alicia are having their 17th match in as many weeks…
Must be that title shots are really hard to come---
Oh wait.
You’ve got one too... don’t you?
Strange, I seem to be the only person without one having just gone begging or without one in my back pocket. Is there a blackmail syndicate I’m missing out on here cause I’m gonna be real fucked off if you girls are holding out on me…
Or maybe some juicy dirt on Mr Underwood that I’m woefully oblivious to that are keeping these substandard dollar store rip offs of actual wrestlers in title pictures they have no place occupying.
Oh, and if you have an issue… you absolutely know where to find me.
I’m the one tearing to the heart of the matter straight through your chest.
Hell, might as well just put a bed on standby if you’re gonna come calling cause I’ve heard there might be a little bit of a wait otherwise following the Johnson family tragedy---
Oops.
How very careless of me.”
******
Murphy and Murphy CPA
Las Vegas, NV
17.09.2020
3:26pm
People for a long time always romanticised the struggle of finding someone.
For love, for friendship, for honour and vengeance- somewhere along the way the journey had become far more important than the proverbial destination. Often portrayed as treacherous and deceptive in it's difficulty, the greater masses came to expect some multi-step complex network of betrayals and revelations.
Heroes sought out their demons with brows bathed in sweat, their muscles no doubt glistening in a surprisingly flattering light despite the fact it was probably dimly lit and poorly ventilated otherwise. Squaring up, maybe they’d kiss their long, lost love or banish their greatest rival to the depths of whatever hell they’d created…
Thankful for the half-decent air conditioning in the waiting room, Amber smugly contemplated the fantastical nature of finding people- and how it woefully mistranslated into reality. A far more banal and destitute truth, there were no car chases and rooftop fist fights, no rain soaked kisses in the moonlight, no slow motion hugs in front of explosions.
Just time… Too much time.
Most people were easy to find- with the prevalence of social media, the ever-expanding and exponential nature of the internet and generally the desperate human need to be seen and acknowledged… Anyone could be found within a space of time simply because they wanted to be- and besides, breadcrumbs the size of boulders weren’t that hard to track.
Josephine McDermit became Josephine Murphy about 14 months and 27 days prior apparently, an average sized wedding somewhere a little less… Vegas. Photos told most of the story, a honeymoon somewhere tropical cause cliches absolutely never went out of style before the ‘happily ever after’ opened an accounting place at the back end of a half vacant strip mall.
Flicking through a business magazine- Amber pretended to be vaguely interested in stock market investment suggestions as the small print articles page after page morphed into incomprehensible squiggles and stylized formal grammar. Behind the desk, the click-clack of fake nails on a keyboard punctuated the faint mechanical whirring in the background- Amber resisted the urge to check her phone for the time knowing that it would simply serve to frustrate rather than appease.
Josie knew it was her, she had to, why else would she keep her wai---
“Amber?”
If the redhead could ignore the silk blouse tucked into business pants combination, she would have sworn that Josie hadn’t changed at all. Thick dark tresses fell around her face in soft, no doubt deliberate waves, and startling green eyes framed behind wire rimmed glasses still glimmered like polished emeralds set in porcelain.
Sure she’d aged, hell they all had, a few errant lines missed by a needle here and the first signs of grey tucked behind her ear there, but otherwise standing a couple inches shorter than Amber and with fuller womanly curves, Josephine Murphy was exactly the same girl she remembered.
“I… It’s been a long time.”
“If now's not a good time I can-”
“No… No, now is fine. It's just, well, you aren’t exactly someone I expected to show up I guess.”
“You make it sound like it's a bad thing.”
A nervous chuckle escaped Josie as she gestured vaguely for Amber to follow, the receptionist eyeing the redhead warily as she flashed a politest smile she might manage.
Generic yet professional, the room reminded Amber of the type of doctors office that only ever doled out bad news, but gave you a lollipop for the trauma.
Associates degree from Florida, Bachelors from Mississippi State- somehow their frames almost overshadowed their achievement while every surface seemed unreasonably clean for the beginning of a Nevada autumn. Josie, perhaps sensing Amber’s tense demeanor perched gently on the edge of an overtly organized desk.
“I’m presuming you didn’t come here cause you wanted to reminisce.”
Straight to the heart of the matter, yeah, the redhead could appreciate that. Amber said nothing immediately though allowing the silence between them to linger for a few extra seconds.
“Accounting, huh? Since when did you get into numbers…”
It didn’t feel right to ask outright, to question the relationship Josie cultivated with Cassidy and how that might have evolved after Amber moved on. At one point they might have been friends, but more than a decade has passed and now feeling like polite acquaintances felt like a bit of a stretch.
Sensing the tense air, Amber watched Josie shrug in the glass reflection.
“Yeah, got out not long after you did actually. Had a few close calls with a couple rides that should have been left to rust, you know what those folk are like though, don’t wanna let go of anything that might make them a few more dollars…”
Josie let out a contemplative sigh, the memories obviously unpleasant but not so much that she wasn’t willing to speak honestly.
“One of the coaster sections had a few screws loose- told Dad that it needed to be stopped for an hour or two so we could get in and check it over… Typical fucking ride jockey though, thought we could get an extra few runs out of it before we had to close it down.
Whole thing is rattling, more than usual, and maybe it's luck or someone was looking out for me that day… It's like it was in slow motion Amber, this piece of track not far from my head dislodges and swings down like a goddamn pendulum before the other screws gave way and it lands less than two feet from me.”
She chuckled almost pensively as though unsure whether the reaction was appropriate, but committed to it regardless as Amber paced quietly.
“You ever have your life flash before your eyes… You think this highlight reel is gonna go on for what feels like days, but it doesn't… seconds maybe and it's over. Put things in perspective for me, made me realize that there was more to life and I needed to live it.”
Amber paused, allowing the words to sink in.
“So… you went into accounting of all things?”
“Doesn’t seem like much, but it fulfils me. Isn’t that what we all want at the end of the day?”
Amber fucking hated rhetorics despite her frequent use of them and philosophic debates on the nature of man left left her tasting bile at the back of her tongue. Want was a relative term- want was for material, temporary things. Upgrades and overhauls. Want didn’t fulfil, it didn’t satiate the desires. It fuelled them until they overwhelmed, outgrew and most importantly… until they consumed.
“All this education got you all soft at the edges.”
“... or maybe you’re the still the same hard-ass pessimist I remember.”
“Not pessimist. Realist- give me at least that.”
“Cynic, but I’ll give you a smile.”
“Keep the smile. Look, speaking of old times…”
“Here we go”
“You haven’t been in touch with Cassidy recently, have you?”
Few people in the world could hide concern, so visceral and raw in nature it had a way of corrupting the human system in a matter of seconds. Josie’s posture stiffened, the coy smirk replaced with something a little more befitting of her profession.
“Why, is she in trouble… God, what the hell has she done this time?”
Typical fucking Cassidy. Amber silently mused, trying to gauge Josie’s reaction for more than just her initial knee-jerk response as she softened her expression to try and ease the sudden temperature drop in the room. Josie’s lip twitched although whether it was simply out of the uncomfortable nature the conversation had taken or simple bodily reaction was beyond Amber’s recognition.
“Fuck knows, but I’ll be sure to ask her if I track her down. Just thought you might have some idea cause I know you guys were close---”
If she’d taken a mouthful of water, Jose might have comically spit it across the room instead a sputtered guffaw would have to suffice as Amber held back her own amusement.
“Close… Maybe for a bit while you were still around, she liked me cause I was willing to go do stupid shit that you weren’t, at least for a time. Once you left though…”
Amber closed the space, trying to disguise her curiosity with a false concern as Josie trailed off. She’d cultivated the look over the years to the point it was passable to anyone who wasn’t looking for the indignant insincerity that came so naturally to the redhead.
Josie swallowed her breath hard, as though it left a bitter taste on the back of her tongue she couldn’t quite ignore.
“... She went off the rails a bit, like you were the only thing keeping her in line. Guess she left a bit… I dunno, betrayed. For the first month or two she was convinced you were coming back- after that though I guess the realization kicked her like a mule and she got all ‘fuck the world’ I suppose.
Drinking, smoking, boys… 17 and bulletproof, teenage rebellion turned up to 11, you know?”
“Yeah… I can imagine.”
“Not long after that, I got out. Gotta admit, seeing her go off kilter helped put things into perspective and made me realize I needed to do something else. I could have stayed, sure. Would probably have ended up in a ditch somewhere…”
Sensing perhaps things getting a little too sombre, Josie brushed herself off and flashed a thousand dollar smile- no doubt charged by the hour whilst gesturing Amber vaguely towards the door.
“I’m sure Cassidy is fine though, you just let me know if you find her… Yeah?”
“Yeah, sure. Absolutely, I’ll be in touch…”
Amber knew Josie had no intention of taking her call, the past was a stark reminder of a world she no longer wanted to associate with while her future laid between four beige walls dotted with certificates no one would read and insincere small talk that would never be appreciated. With a polite wave, Amber stepped back out into the waiting area as her hand found her phone within seconds of the door closing a little louder than necessary behind her.
“Hey darl, yeah… I found Josie.”
Sensing the walls having ears, or at the very least the receptionist having a very big mouth, Amber stepped out into the dry desert air. Dragging her sunglasses onto her face clumsily, she scanned the area trying to get the taste of dust and disappointment off her tongue.
“About as much luck as I expected. Was about as happy to see me as if I were the reaper and I was leaving bone dust on the carpet- still I have a funny feeling it's probably going to be a similar case with most of them- still worth a shot I suppose.”
Mac Bane's voice on the other end was always a pleasant sound, reassuring even in the face of perceived failure.
“There is someone though, if they are where I think I might find them, that I’d love for you to meet…”
******
“Funny, isn’t it?
How we’re so willing to place people on a pedestal who’d do little more than kick dirt on your casket. I’ve had so much expectation for you Roxi, i might be the only person in your life who thinks you have the capability of being better.
Everyone else just ‘loves you for who you are’ cause they’re intimately aware that you actually trying makes them quickly and mournfully insignificant in comparison…Its why you surround yourself with people you don’t need to try to be better than, minimal effort and you blow them out of the fucking water while still being in the range of being emotionally relatable.
If it weren’t so sick I might kiss you myself.
Except I won’t cause I have no doubt your wife might spit chicken bones in my general direction cause I’m far more terrified she might try to seduce me than punch me in the face.
Lets be honest with ourselves though- you just wanna be universally adored, you’d rather be Time’s Person Of The Year for throwing yourself off a fucking building than winning the richest prize in an industry you’ve dedicated your life to cause it might mean actually showing you can be selfish.
I’m so constantly underwhelmed by you Roxi, it's no wonder I’m so pissed off all the time.
I mean I come in here and I continually deliver on the highest level- win, lose or draw and fulfilled every fucking promise that's fallen out of my big mouth since day dot. Meanwhile, you coast by on good will and notoriety- slipping into contendership matches like your wife slides into thot DM’s.
What you need to comprehend and fast is that altruism isn’t designed to weight bear and for only so long with the general public accept heroes as more than cosplayers with slightly less ambiguous morals.
You set the bar so high and now you’re doing everything you can not to have to prove you can still clear it- it's okay though, I’m here to remind you that not measuring up is perfectly natural.
Even the greatest pillars of virtuosity show cracks eventually, you can only take the weight of the world before your knees start to buckle. Perhaps I thought we had more time, that you were more but you proved something important to me at Summer XXXTreme…
You’d rather die in the middle of that ring than show there's anything underneath that flimsy goody two-shoes facade- I was excited to tear away the layers, I can’t even begin to explain it...
Going in it was like Christmas, getting a puppy and true love's first kiss rolled into a surging adrenaline rush in my veins- and you took that from me.
People stick needles in their arms for the same god damn rush I got from that opportunity and instead you left me chasing the next hit, dragging things out cause you can’t get pity if you don’t have a sob story.
You were supposed to be better, and before my eyes Roxi… You crumbled. You fell away the moment I touched you… and I wish I could say that's what pissed me off the most.
What angers me the most Roxi in that all of this- from the first day I met you... to the first time I walked into SCW and told the world that I wanted a match with you… to the fireball I threw into your face… To Summer XXXtreme… To now…
You haven’t changed Roxi.
Violent Conduct will be different right- you’ve got me in a falls count anywhere, we could brawl into the backstage throwing each other over conveniently placed concessions stands and tables of surprisingly uneaten food, into the stands tripping over seats like we totally intended to do that, out into the street where I absolutely wouldn’t push you into oncoming traffic cause I definitely didn’t ask about the minutia of potential manslaughter on Twitter…
It's just, and this kinda bothers me, how can you go around and tell anyone that things will be different this time… when you haven’t bothered to change?”
