A year ago....this wasn’t even on the map. A year ago, I was in a very different place. The idea that I would be in not just one but two wonderful places, living a dream....to me, it was a pipe dream.
A lot of people say things can change quickly and in an instant. In my case, that moment was just a few days following Christmas.
Choices had to be made, I spent from age 12 to that moment doing what was asked or what was expected.
Or at least what I thought was expected of me.
I HATED ME!
I didn’t hate anyone and the one person I needed I hated.
And we know what a strong word hate is.
There are dislikes, like you dislike certain foods, or styles....OH And for those that wear sandals with socks....I REALLY dislike you. BUT for me to hate ME?!?! And why?
All because I let myself get distracted by other people and force feelings out and I got hurt. I should have stuck to my fucking guns....and instead I made an ass out of myself. The why and what happened is irrelevant...but I didn’t know how to deal with it. For the first time in...EVER, I felt completely alone.
I’ve talked about my mother Laura Phoenix being my hero, I’ve talked about my step-father Nick being my inspiration....they both for me have always set a bar so high for me as a standard. But there is one person that I never really touched on....that is my grandfather, Jeffery.
Now see, my Grandfather is one man that has been vilified in my mother’s world a few times. Because then, he thought he knew better for his children. He tried in vain to push them towards something he thought was good for them. Always had good intentions but just went the wrong way about it. ESPECIALLY with me. That is a story for another time, because I don’t want to paint him in the wrong light. Let’s just say when mom found out she was pregnant with me and then the family found out, Civil War was declared in the O’Neil household. Very historically AND Marvel-esque style....minus all the cool toys.
ANYWAYS, when my grandmother passed away a few years ago, my grandfather really had these moments of epiphany. But when I say he is my angel? I mean it. Every moment of it. Because there was one moment that NO ONE knew about until now....
~*~*~*~December 28th, 2018~*~*~*~
I found myself just wandering New York. School was out, family was busy and I was alone in my own thoughts. I owned up to my own stupid brain and now I found myself not sure what to do next. I seriously fucked this one up. Way to go Elizabeth.
I just kept my eyes down, I just kept walking. I was numb and if I got hit by a car, I wouldn’t give a fuck. I deserved it.
But something made me stop....
I looked up...and found myself on a bridge.
“Well...hello Brooklyn” I don’t even recognize that voice.
Yeah, that one. I’ve never been on the Brooklyn Bridge before and I lived in this city since I was 12, curiosity got the better of me. I needed to look over the edge.
I stepped onto the ledge to get a better look down. And then the dark thoughts came.
There is not a fucking soul that would need me. What the fuck have I done to deserve a chance to even keep going.
You know...that whole jazz.
What I don’t see is behind me a car has been following me pretty much the whole way, they stopped, a door opened and as fast they could, they grabbed me by the arm.
“ELIZABETH MARIE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!?!”
I couldn’t stop myself, I struggled against whoever the hell had me. “LET ME GO!”
“STOP IT SWEETHEART! IT’S ME!”
I seem to step up and look up to the face of my Grandfather....his big brown eyes looking like he’s scared out of his mind.
“Grandpa?”
“Yeah, yeah it’s...What the hell do you think you were doing?”
“I- ...I was just looking over the edge.”
“You were doing a lot more than that! Explain yourself!” I could hear it, he was completely frightened out of his mind. I never heard him like this before. “Why would you even think about that? Do you know what it would do to everyone?”
“....I’m...” and I couldn’t stop it, the tears just flowed and I clung to him and I lost it.
I don’t know if he was caught by surprise that his granddaughter even gave a fleeting thought that she didn’t think she was worthy of anything...or that I just completely lost it into his expensive suit in front of God and everyone but he just wrapped me up in a hug and pulled me in so tight that suddenly the numbness was replaced by warmth. “I got you sweetie...”
“I’m so sorry grandpa....I just....”
“I know, your mother called me and told me most of the story....”
“I feel so worthless.”
“Why?”
“Because I took a chance and ended up with nothing but pain. I don’t know what is going to happen next.” I look around and for the first time I realized what I almost did. “I don’t even know how the hell I ended up here! I am a mess, I am so lost right now.”
“Ok ok...calm down. One thing for sure, you got your mother’s gift for the dramatic babble” he just sighs and looks at me “Your grandmother was so much better at this than I was, she’d know exactly the right thing to say. But when I see my beautiful intelligent granddaughter that I stupidly almost lost out on doing something like this, I can’t help but wonder if I could be doing more for you.”
I just shook my head, “Like what? You do so much for me already. I know you are trying to make up for things that happened...”
“It’s more than that. Bella...I spent so much time worrying about the views of others that I lost out on a lot of things with your grandmother. When I had my heartattack...before your mom found out about...well let’s just say I had a lot of eye opening moments. I let my pride get ahead of things that mattered the most. Pride is a hell of a thing, it’s almost a drug. It will drag you into the darkest parts and it will...well it will fuck with everything.”
“Grandpa! YOU SWORE!” I have never heard anything harder than hell or damn or even the occasional son of a bitch!
“Yeah I know...don’t tell your mother or uncle because they will never let me live it down....but you are so use to things falling into place that what happened a few days ago came as a shock. And you knew what you were walking in to. You set yourself up for failure almost on purpose, didn’t you?”
I just shrug, “I thought maybe...I don’t know. I just needed to see and I got my hopes up and got stomped on. Christian called me a damned fool, but I had to see. I guess things got really screwed up. I have no way of fixing them either.”
“Well...maybe not, but time heals wounds. As does getting out of this city.” he smirks at me, “I keep hearing all this talk about you picking up and going to Paris...and yet...you are still here.”
“There’s more to it than just grabbing everything and going. There’s money and a place to live....”
“And you have a rich grandpa and I KNOW Levi has offered to help you too. But little girl...I think it’s time you ran away from home.” and with a smile he wraps his arms around me and leads me back to his car.
“Grandpa....thank you.”
....you too grandma....thank you.
~*~*~*~I Overcame....you can too~*~*~*~
“One year ago....I almost didn’t exist. I almost did something really fucking stupid.”
I’m in Vegas....VEGAS! Yeah I know, been here once already this year....but...
“VEGAS!!!! You just never know where the hell things are going to lead” pointing to my chest “I took a leap of faith instead of a leap off a bridge and where I ended up is here. What I’m saying is you never know what will happen when you give up so easily. You push and you push and you push. Things haven’t always gone my way but I’ll be a mother fucker if I am not extremely happy to prove A LOT of bitches wrong. Amelia Hogan, that’s your problem. You have been playing the pity party on social media and the moment you didn’t come away with a win, you are very much ready to just give up. Well, I’m not. I’m here. I’m here to prove things to myself,”
I take a deep breath and sigh, “I’m also out to fuck with people’s pride. Yours is on my list. And 2020 has quite the outlook, don’t it? I’m one of the most talked about Bombshells since I came to SCW. All I had to do was take a leap of faith. That’s what you need to get. It’s a chance to not commit career suicide and actually fucking fight me! I’m done glad handing people. I can be besties some other time because I can’t be the prideful one anymore. I am done letting people fuck with my pride. I’m done having pride confused with determination. And that’s where I’m going to get you.”
I just shrug, “I know, I know....I’m sounding a little pissed off right now....and I am. I should be on a different path because I let pride get to me.....well....fuck pride. It’s gotten me nothing but problems. NOW, I’m the problem. And I’ll make sure they know what is in store for 2020. I’ll see you out there Amelia....if your pride will let you.”
And with a simple wink the camera fades to black.
