Well, here I go again. I’ve made my triumphant return to SCW for the millionth time, or so it seems. Then again, I wouldn’t exactly call it triumphant. Not yet anyway.
It’s no secret that since I signed my first contract with SCW years ago, I’ve come and gone several times. For the most part, it didn’t matter. In the beginning, I wasn’t taking things very seriously and just wanted to be here to have fun and do something that, honestly, no one ever saw me doing. I mean, you don’t see many girls my size in wrestling. But, I digress. As I said, I’ve been in and out the door more times than I can count, and there is a reason for it. A reason I’ve never really gotten into.
Until now.
Before I really get into it, I want you all to take a moment to imagine something for me. Close your eyes and imagine you’re in an amusement park, standing in line for the most popular roller coaster in the park. You’ve been in line for what seems like hours, and you’ve finally made it to the very end, waiting for the coaster to make its way back to the track in front of you. When it finally does, and the last group of riders makes their exit, you and a group of others are finally allowed to take your seats.
It takes several minutes but once everyone is situated and strapped safely in, the ride operator hits whatever switch or button he needs to, and the coaster begins to pull away and up the very first ascent to a big drop. This particular roller coaster is full of twists, turns, loops and hills and drops to give the riders the most fun thrills imaginable. Sounds exhilarating, right? Maybe so, but the particular roller coaster I imagine, or that I live daily is a roller coaster called anxiety.
That’s right, I have anxiety, and she’s a nasty little bitch.
But, Bobbie, what does anxiety have to do with your SCW career? It has everything to do with it, and why I’ve been gone time and time again. I may not have let it show, but it’s been an everyday battle trying to quiet this bitchy anxiety and keep her at bay so I can have some semblance of a life…a career. But recently, she just got to be too much, and I was so overwhelmed and exhausted I just needed to take a step back and finally face her head one.
Wait…”her” you might ask? Yes, her. Because the anxiety is a part of me, she is NOT me. I am not anxiety. I HAVE anxiety…and her name is Piper. Yeah, yeah…don’t ask me why I named my anxiety right now, because I will get into that later. All you need to know right now is that the bitch exists, as much as I don’t want her to.
The last few months has not been easy, but if I’m being honest, I’m all the better for it. I had time to think and reflect on everything that I was trying to keep hidden from so many people, myself included, but I wouldn’t have returned if I didn’t think I was ready for it. Am I one hundred percent anxiety free now? No, but I have learned how to better control the negative thoughts about all aspects of my life.
Including my confidence when it comes to SCW, because Piper played a big part in my failures within SCW. But I’m back now and ready to really succeed, because I know I am capable of it. I know I am WORTH it, so I am ready to make an impact and be the best Bombshell that not only I can be, but the best bombshell on the entire roster.
It won’t happen overnight, but I will get there. You can absolutely count on it!
Monday October 30th
Las Vegas
Bobbie and Artie’s Home
It’s just before noon and I walk through the front door with Artie’s and my four-legged son, Loki; a three year old full grown Bernese Mountain Dog. We have just gotten back from one of our daily walks and he sits down, waiting for me to remove his leash. I happily oblige him and he does a quick shake, sending a good amount of fur flying everywhere, before heading over to his water bowl and taking a few giant gulps.
“Why must you send an entire dog’s worth of fur flying everywhere every time we get back from our walks, Loki?” I sight, looking around at what I have to sweep and vacuum up on a daily basis. “I love you to death, buddy, but help me out here, okay?!” He takes a brief break from gulping down water and looks up at me with an adorable yet quizzical look.
I’m about to take care of cleaning up what will no doubt be enough fur to make another Loki, but I look at the clock and realize that I am going to be late for my therapy appointment. I have been speaking to a therapist every other week for the last several months as part of my anxiety treatment and I have a lot to talk to her about today. I tell Loki to behave and not get into anything before I head down the hall to the second bedroom where my laptop is set up.
After starting up my laptop and getting the browser opened and loaded, I go to the website where I need to log in for my therapy sessions. One good thing- depending on how you look at it- of the pandemic is that virtual therapy sessions are now more common and acceptable than having to go into an office for face to face sessions. And with my SCW career, it actually helps me out in the long run, in case we are ever on the road.
After a few moments, I see the little dots at the bottom of the screen indicating that my therapist is joining the session. It takes a few seconds but the screen finally loads and she’s looking into her own camera with a smile. “Hello hello, Bobbie. How is everything going today?” It’s her typical greeting as we start our sessions and I wave into the camera, returning the smile.
“Hey hey! Not too bad today. I literally just got back inside from taking Loki for his mid-morning walk.” I reply, adjusting my position in my computer chair. I hear the sound of Loki’s tags clinking on his collar, wondering quietly what is he doing out in the other room.
“You seem to be in good spirits today.” She says, and I nod. She sits back in her chair, waiting for me to start talking before she even has to ask any questions. The truth is, I’m excited to let her know that I’m returning to SCW again. I’m not sure how she will feel about it, considering everything we have discussed over the last few months, but I need this.
“Well,” I begin, taking in a deep breath. She raises her eyebrows for a quick moment, quietly anticipating whatever it is that I am going to tell her. I place both of my palms on the desk on either side of my laptop and just spill the beans. “I signed a new contract with SCW. I’m officially back to competitive wrestling and my first match is this weekend!” I can’t hide my excitement as I clap a few times.
She takes a few moments to process what I have told her, nodding slowly and taking down a few notes. I’m not sure what to expect her to say, and as I wait for her to respond, I can sense Piper trying to creep out of the shadows to bring my excitement down. My therapist(who I don’t call by her name usually) finally responds. “And how are you feeling about that, Bobbie? Do you feel ready? Because I know we have discussed your struggles with SCW in the past.”
I take a deep breath, trying to keep Piper at bay for now and sit back in my chair but keeping my posture up. I know she is trying to be sure that I’m not going to let my anxiety…Piper…spiral out of control again, so I need to put her concerns to rest. “I’m feeling great, honestly.” I answer, truly excited and with no regrets. “I feel like I’ve finally got Piper under control, and if she tries to bring me down, I’ll just do what I have been doing and tell the bitch to pipe down! It won’t be easy, but I’m up for the challenge, and I really want this. I’ve always loved wrestling in SCW and I don’t think I will be ready to call it quits for good until I’ve achieved something to show for it.”
She nods, letting me speak for as long as I need to, but I take a break and give her a chance to say something in return. “So you still think your success in SCW is based on whether or not you win a title?”
“No. That’s not what I’m saying.” I correct her quickly. True, that is how I felt before, because I thought you couldn’t truly be successful if you didn’t become some form of champion, but I know how wrong that thinking can be. Although most people in SCW would argue otherwise. “It’s just a goal I have for myself, but I am not going to let myself get discouraged if it takes a little bit of time to get there. I’ll basically be starting from the bottom again anyway, so I have a lot of work to do, but my success in SCW is based on me being the absolute best that I can be. The absolute best that I know that I am.”
She nods again, once again taking a few notes down. It doesn’t even bother me anymore, because I know she is just doing her job and also trying to help me in my battle with anxiety. “This is all ultimately your decision, and you sound pretty confident which is a big change from the past few months. You just need to make sure that should you start to feel your anxiety growing, you remember your coping techniques.”
So throwing other women around the ring isn’t a good coping technique? Yeah, I better not say that out loud because I know she wouldn’t agree with that or find it as funny as I do. I know what she is referring to, and I know what I have to do. “So tell me about your match this weekend? And what does Artie think?” She quickly adds before I can say anything else. Artie is out running a few errands as he generally tries to be out of the house when he knows I have a counseling session.
“Well, Artie has had his concerns too, like you.” I reply. And it’s true. He’s always been supportive, but the last few months he has been extra protective and watchful of me. “He’s always been my biggest supporter in SCW and tried to get me to see what he saw in me, but because Piper was always in the back of my mind, putting me down and trying to keep my self-esteem and self-confidence as low as possible, I couldn’t exactly see what he saw in me. But now I do, and he’s supporting me as always. Plus, he’s my manager.” I know she doesn’t fully understand everything about SCW so I will try and keep most of the details about that to a minimum.
“As for my match this weekend,” I start, taking in another deeping breath. “I’ll be facing someone else who is just coming back to the active roster. She’s been out longer than I have, because…well…she’s just been out longer than I have.”
I’m hoping she doesn’t notice my hesitation, but unfortunately she does. “Because what? Why has she been out longer than you?” I think she already has an idea, but the whole point of these sessions is for me to talk and work out anything that is bothering me and holding me back.
“She had a baby a few months ago.” I finally say. My therapist slowly nods, but she waits to write anything down on her notepad. I’m not completely ready to get into this subject, because once again I can sense Piper just dying to start spewing out her negativity to bring me down further. And that is not something I need right now if I want to stand a chance against Bella Madison.
“I can see why that might be a bit of a trigger for you, Bobbie.” She replies. If I’m honest, I’ve never been a big fan of the word “trigger,” even though I know why it is used. Especially in this case. Because certain things about Bella Madison’s life are a trigger for Piper to chime in.
“It’s really not a big deal,” I’m kind of lying when I say this, but I want it to be true. “The whole children topic hasn’t been something Artie and I have discussed too much anyway. And as much as I sometimes get baby fever and want Artie and I to try for a baby, I don’t think it’s in the cards for us. Besides, Loki is more than enough work for us.” I laugh, and she lets out a chuckle of her own.
“Something tells me there is more to this subject than you are leading on, but we’ll dive a little deeper into that in your next session.” She might have a point, but again, I can’t get into it too much right now. I have a lot of work to do to prepare for Bella Madison, and if I start to feel sorry for myself for any reason, that is just letting Piper win yet another battle. And I refuse to let that happen.
“I’m more worried about putting on a good match this weekend, honestly.” I say, avoiding anymore talk about babies. “And I’m sure Bella is, too. We’re both going to be a little rusty, probably, but that doesn’t mean I’m underestimating her at all.”
“And what if this Bella woman wins? How will you feel about that?” I know what she is getting at by asking this question, and of course it’s something I have thought about.
“It won’t be a big deal, either.” I say with a shrug of my shoulders. “Do I want to win? Sure. But I’ll dust myself off and keep working at it, because I have to. I can’t let one loss ruin it for me, and I don’t intend to let it either. Piper will definitely try and let it drag me down, but it’s not going to work.” Just as I finish this, her alarm goes off, signaling it is the end of our 45 minute session. It sure does go by pretty fast.
“I hope you keep up this great attitude, because you’ve really come a long way. We’ll talk more about your match, as well as diving into some other things in our next session. Until then, just keep focusing on your coping mechanisms, and I’m sure it will help you achieve the goals you have been setting for yourself.” She says.
We discuss the available appointment times for my next session before she pencils it into her calendar. I process everything she has said and start thinking of a plan in my mind. I have less than a week to prepare for Bella Madison, and after that my ultimate goal. The woman I am determined to face sooner rather than later, because I have unfinished business with her.
Alexandra Calaway…and her Bombshell Roulette Championship.
Here we are. We’re down to the wire and my upcoming match against Bella Madison on Sunday. But before that all goes down, I have a confession to make, and to some it may come as a surprise. Others, not so much because as much as I tried to make it look otherwise, I know I didn’t always do the best at hiding the fact that I haven’t always believed in myself. Sure, outwardly I tried to show off as being carefree and wanting to have fun all the time. I always flirted with all the hunky guys and just pretended I didn’t care about what other people thought, but the truth is…
I did care. I cared more about what people thought because the fact is that my anxiety was the one running the show and making me worry about what other people thought. The entire time I was wrestling in the ring, or being a goofball backstage, Piper was racing through my mind telling me I was an embarrassment, and causing me to question everything about what I was doing in SCW anyway. If I couldn’t win the matches that really mattered, why was I here? Why was I constantly flirting with all the hunky guys if I was already engaged to Artie and that was all that mattered? What was I doing, really? What if Artie got tired of my antics and left me?
So many questions every single day. So many “what ifs”, and I never really had any good answers. Not that I needed them. What I needed was to not second guess myself all the damn time and ignore bitchy Piper more than I listened to her. I know you all probably think I’m crazy for naming my anxiety, but let me try and explain why I did it. It’s not to give the anxiety more power or anything. Quite the opposite. It’s to separate her from myself and show that it’s only a part of me and not who I am.
Besides, a lot of people do it, so I figured why not. So don’t judge me if I randomly shout PIPE DOWN PIPER somewhere, because chances are, the bitch is driving me crazy and it just makes me giggle saying that. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if I had to shout it a few times in the ring on Sunday, because as excited as I am to get back in the ring, I’m also slightly nervous. I just have to tell myself I can do this.
I guess I should get to the point and start addressing Bella directly, shouldn’t I? I mean, I am facing her on Sunday and not myself so she is who I should be focusing on. Welcome back, Bella! Major props to you for getting back to the ring so soon after having the spawn of Malachi. Not many people can bounce back that fast, let alone take care of a child who is half Malachi at home AND being married to Malachi, too! Please don’t take offense to that, because I mean it with all due respect!
I don’t know about you, Bella, but I’m actually looking forward to this match. Either my memory is really horrible, or I think this is the first time we are facing each other? I could be wrong, and hell, I probably am, but if I am, we at least haven’t faced each other in a long time anyway. You’ve done well for yourself during your time in SCW, being a former Mixed Tag Champion and all. I have no doubt in my mind that now that you’re back, you’ll be looking to add more gold to your resume. And I say good for you.
But…so am I, Bella. I don’t know for sure what your short or long term goals are, and I am sure we will all find out either on Sunday or as the weeks go by, but I plan to let my first goal be known on Sunday, and it all starts with this match against you. I know this is usually the part of a promo where people throw insults and anything and everything negative they can think of about their opponent, but I’m not going to do that, because I can’t. As confident as I am in going up against you, I also know that I simply can’t take you lightly. I know the people you run with. I know your family legacy, and I’d be a fool to let myself get too confident because when it all boils down to it, I could fail.
Do I want to? Absolutely not, but I’m not going to lie and guarantee that it won’t happen. You’re looking to bounce back physically after having a baby. Me? I’m looking to bounce back mentally, because I’ve been on my own roller coaster ride the last few months, but I’m more determined than I’ve ever been before. My head is clearer than it has ever been before, and I hope you don’t underestimate me, either, Bella. I know people will be saying you’re at a disadvantage because of the obvious weight difference between us, but what you lack in size, you easily make up for in speed, and that is something I can not ignore.
And who knows? The winner of this match could put our names on the radar for something bigger going forward, even though we’re both just returning to SCW. We may just be returning, but we’re no strangers to SCW so Mark Ward and Christian Underwood aren’t going to ignore that, right? Well, let’s show them that they shouldn’t ignore us anyway. The main event of the night is the Bombshell World Championship match, but let’s show everyone watching that WE can be main event caliber, too! Let’s set the bar high, because I’m ready to not only put the Bombshell roster back on notice, but everyone in SCW if I’m being honest.
Let’s tear the house down, because Bobbie and Bella are back in business and things are looking way way up!
See you on Sunday, Bella. May the best Bombshell win!!
