[We come in on Steve Scanlon doing what Steve Scanlon does best. (I bet you’re wondering what that is, since it’s not submissions wrestling or hardcore brawling… or fashion, or athletics, or… okay, back on topic…) MAKING MONEY.
Specifically, he’s on the set of his first endorsement since joining SCW. As we join him, he’s in a chain restaurant preparing for some kind of ad.
Okay, obviously, the man can eat too. Let’s be fair- it’s an endorsement about something he clearly knows…]
Scanlon (to a director, off camera): So, I'm doing this thing for a Four Way. It'll just take a minute.
Director: No problem. You just do... wait, "Four Way"?
Scanlon: Not like that. Though I get what it sounds like. So, I just read the cue cards?
Director: Yeah. We did a whole thing with a Bacon month- lots of bacon, real cheap- we thought we’d do a follow up. Are you ready, Mr. Scanlon?
Scanlon: Fine.
Seriously, though- "Four way". I get what it sounds like. Can you think of a dumber-sounding name for that thing?
[He sighs, and gets into ‘character’, reading the cards.]
Scanlon: “Hi. My name’s “Big” Steve Scanlon, and if there’s one thing I know from- it’s sausage. Ask anybody- they’ll tell you: ‘Big Steve loooves that sausage’. So come on down! It’s a Total Sausagefe-“ WAIT!
Director: “CUT”! What is it?
Scanlon : “Total Sausagefest”? That’s what it’s called?
Director: Yeah. What’s the problem, Mr "Four Way"?
Scanlon: The PROBLEM?! Look… I’ve got these people here from my Main Job…
[waves at the promo camera.]
Scanlon: Then I’m calling Morty, my agent, and we’ll see about this. “Sausagefest”, my a- eye!
[Steve turns to the camera, and starts promoing. In the background, people are calling a break. Nobody is opting to eat at the restaurant during this break. This should tell you something.]
Scanlon: Right. So. What’ve we got in SCW these days?
Well, once again, it’s the Aristocrats against the World, except this time they put the whole world IN the ring AT THE SAME TIME! All we’ve GOT to do is wait for the other guys to wear themselves down, then pick off whatever’s left.
That is, if we couldn’t just slice through them like a hot knife through butter…
Look… this isn’t Phase Two, like I’ve been saying… but it’s not a bad night for the Aristocrats, either.
There’s four teams in there- that means four guys in the ring at any given time, right? So, there’s my and my foxhole-buddy Hangman against…
[he ticks off one finger]
Scanlon: The Surf Boys- who we’ve already beat like a Salvation Army tambourine… seriously, Hawkins had his foot so far off Dude or Gristly or whoever-the-hell it was’ ass that he could’ve got a proctology degree out of it.
What's the plan for the Serfs? No plan.
There doesn’t NEED to be a plan, there. We barely needed the plan we did have last time.
See, I thought we’d have to go in against them all Patton-like, with the full-frontal assault here, and the pincer maneuver there… truth is, all we had to do was show up and watch the Surf Boys drown in their own lameness.
If they put up any kind of fight- and the other two teams don’t make lunchmeat out of them- we’ve still got all the tricks up our sleeve that we didn’t get to use LAST time. Hell, we might just use ‘em cause we’ve GOT ‘em at this point…
[He ticks off a second finger]
Scanlon and then we’ve got Jordan and Casey Williams, the scariest Williams doubles-team since Venus and Serena, except I think I’d like those tennis chicks’ odds better.
Hey, I’ll deal with Jordan in a second, but let me talk about Casey Williams. Big, bad Casey Williams, the Caboose of Vamoose or whatever the Hell he thinks he is, coming up like the original One-Trick Pony, except the pony’s lame. Sure he’s big, but that just means when we finish him off, we can use what’s left of his hide to make a coat that’ll fit Hawkins juuust fine.
Seriously- some people can’t walk it, some people can’t talk it. Casey Williams… Casey Williams is the rare breed that can’t walk it OR talk it.
See, the best stuff Casey’s got on the mic is some crap he heard in a song once. But when push comes to shove, that... THAT, my friends, is when the tragic happens.
Sure, he comes on like he’s this big burly, brawlin' biker dude out of Cow Hampshire, but he lumbers around the ring like a punch-drunk elephant, he telegraphs his moves like Samuel Morse, and he can’t polish off a 185-pound French éclair like Gaetan LaValle.
For real- Gaetan LaValle! The kid I could use as a pipe-cleaner, the guy so thin he can hide from you by turning sideways! He went the distance with Casey, and beat his ass- in the ring AND on the mic! And Glass Joe’s all courtly and fair and stuff! It was a fair fight with a 300-pound weight advantage, and he lost!
If Casey can’t handle Cirque du So-Lame, how the Fruzen Gladje do you think he’s gonna handle walking into the twin-barrelled shotgun of pain that is The Aristocrats? We’re NOT fair, we’re NOT interested in your life story- we’re just gonna roll ya like we tol’ ya, and get back to something worth doing!
Oh, and I promised I’d talk about Jordan: Yeah, he’ll be there too.
More than he deserves to be honest.
He’s more “hacky” and “on the canvas” than Thomas Kincaid, Painter Of Light, and he’s got that lump of a partner to cheer up and chivvy along, and tell about the rabbit-farm they’re gonna buy someday when this Is all over. He’s more Kindergarten teacher than wrestler, and he’s as good as he should be. Which is to say: Not Very.
[He ticks off a third finger. Yes, its his middle one.]
Scanlon: NOW, we come to someone who at least has an active pulse around here: Peterson and Williams. Oh yeah.
[He makes the “Evil Eye” gesture]
Scanlon: “The Scanlon Curse be upon you.”
Oh yeah, I said it.
Solo, before the Aristocrats were even an idea- I shut down promotions… shut them right the hell down. It's what I was known for.
I drove the talent clear out of the joint, out of the sheer, brown-shorts fear of facing the Streetfightin’, Headlinin’, Specimen of MANHOOD. They call it “The Scanlon Curse”.
And I wasn’t gonna bring it up, on account o’ me liking this little pop-stand of a promotion enough to not WANT to sell it for scrap, but you guys… you two are the exception.
You see, Hangman likes to think he’s the Final Destination of this tag-team, but the fact is, I’ve retired more men than he has. He’s like a big cat- he likes to toy with his prey a little. I just put ‘em OUT.
And you got me mad.
You got me mad when you skated by, got that quick count, and now you call yourselves champions? Hell no, buddy-boys... you’re not the champs, you’re just placeholders until the Aristocrats take what’s rightfully theirs.
And now, you’re getting what’s coming to you.
See, now we know what kinda stuff you two pull, and we're ready for it. Oh yeah. You're gonna see some drama 'n' trauma NOW... only not at first. Our number doesn't come up until after the Also-Rans, the Williams Si- The Williamses and the Surf Boys take their chunks out of you.
Then, THEN, you'll get to see what a well-oiled Murder Machine like the Aristocrats looks like when it's driven by a total maniac.
Anyway. Enough of that. It's a done deal.
[He sighs, and looks aside for a second. Then he looks back.]
Scanlon: Hey. Listen! D’you guys ever watch the Godfather movies?
I was just watching them, again, the other night. You know, for acting tips. See…
[He waves around the ‘set’]
I’m an actor, now. Gotta learn from the best, right? My favorite part’s when the Corleones- this bunch that everyone’s written off- hang back, look harmless, then set up all their biggest rivals at once, and then- pop!pop!pop!- all at the same time, take ‘em all out, and come out as the Top Dogs. Best part . Great bit.
[pause]
Why am I telling you all about that?
[He grins. It’s a Terrible, Grinchy Idea kind of grin…]
Scanlon: No reason. No reason at all.
[On any other promo, this would be ‘time to fade out’. But this one’s special.]
Director: I talked to your agent. You do the ad, or you refund us the money.
[Scanlon brightens, and turns to the other camera… and now, given the choice of doing it or paying, sells that ad like it’s the most awesome thing ever…]
Scanlon: “SAUSAGEFEST!”
[and NOW, we fade out…]
