March 1st 2015
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Off-Camera
It was raining. The clouds overhead were thick and dark, making the day seem much later than four in the afternoon. He hadn't brought an umbrella with him. If it was going to rain on his niece, then it could rain on him too. He hadn't brought flowers today. Quietly, he had sat and watched his brother and his former love talking over twitter about making this visit. He didn't say a word about having been sitting in his car, already in the parking lot, when Jason arrived with Elena and Kirsten. He had waited hours, feeling himself torn between going in to be with his family and his anger at never wanting to see them again. When they left he had stepped out of the car. He hadn't even made it around to the front of the vehicle before he saw Talia pull in. She was the last person he wanted to see here. That pull towards Emily intensified. It was an internal instinct towards protecting her, when he had failed to do so two years ago. Rehab had prevented him from ever being in her life, but, even in death, there was a need to protect her from the woman that abandoned her. Instead, he remember what his brother had told her last night. It was Talia's decision to discard Emily. Jason wasn't going to put himself in between them now. Kris had to do the same thing. Keeping Talia from going in would make him no better than she was. Instead of interfering, he got back into the car and waited. It seemed like days went by. He was swimming through the last two years. From learning about his niece, to Reese, to Ava and then almost dying. It wasn't an easy road. Granted, it was mostly his fault. Talia stepped out of the of the cemetery what seemed like an hour after, it couldn't have been much shorter than that in actuality. As she pulls out he steps out of his car again, crossing the parking lot and entering the lobby. There was a fence surrounding the cemetery, it was a way of keeping track of every visitor by making them sign in, and be approved.
Kris was undoubtedly on the list of people allowed to visit. The security of the place made him laugh on the inside. He was thankful for the rain outside, allowing him to keep his jacket on, covering the tracks on his arms that had gotten him into a lot of trouble every time that he had dealt with these people. Jason’s insistence of having his daughter buried in a Catholic cemetery was maddening. Kris had always hated that about him. After signing in, they point him in the right direction, directing him towards a hill on the right of the cemetery. When he gets to the headstone he notices the empty spots surrounding her. Clearly Jason had put some thought into being with his daughter in the afterlife. However, there wasn’t just one spot reserved, there were several. Kris started counting, not with numbers but with names as he looked around. There was one for him. One for Talia. Jason’s spot was on the opposite side of the headstone from Talia’s, and then there were two more next to him. Kris hoped that they weren’t for their parents. Being stuck in here with them was sickening and almost enough to make him hope that whenever he kicked it, his body wouldn’t be recovered.
He sits down in front of her headstone, and brings his knees up to his chest when he does. He takes a minute to admire the flowers that her parents had brought to honor their daughter. It brings a smile to his face. As dysfunctional as they were, they were much better parents than his own had been. He could see the love that they felt for her. He sighs heavily, finding his words.
Hey baby girl. I know that I wasn’t really around at all when you were with us. That was my fault. See, I have never been really good about being there when others need me to. I give your mommy a lot of shit about the fact that she wasn’t there for you, but I don’t really mean it. I take my own feelings out on her. At least she got to hold you just after you were born. Sure, she ran after that first day, but she got to do something that I never did. I guess that is why I came today. It’s your birthday, and I am sorry that you don’t get to spend it with us, but I am so much more sorry that I wasn’t there for you when you needed someone more than your daddy. He blames himself, you know. It breaks his heart that he couldn’t take care of you by yourself. I just want you to know that it wasn’t his fault. He would still give anything for you to be here. He would trade places with you if he could. In all honesty, I would trade places with you right now if it would mean the opportunity for him to hold you and just look in your eyes again, even for just a minute. He tries so hard to take care of everyone, and I have always taken advantage of that. It should be me in the ground in this cemetery, not you. I have had more than my fair share of chances, and you didn’t even get one Emily.
He stops, choked up. He quickly brushed a tear from his eyes, but it is in vain. He knows that there are more coming. Even more than that, he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to stop them once they did. A ball was forming in his throat, making it hard to talk, but he came to say what he needed to say, and he wasn’t about to start holding back now.
It isn’t fair that I get to be here and you don’t. I am a fuck up Emily. I haven’t done anything good with my life. I bounce from person to person, woman to woman, ruining everyone’s life that I touch. My own life? I don’t live it. Instead, I bury it under drugs and excuses. I lie to everyone and tell that I have am staying clean, and I even bribe people to make sure that I have the paperwork to prove it. When that doesn’t make the pain go away, I hide. I disappear without telling anyone and I live on the street. Emily, I have done things, so many things, to people that don’t deserve it, just so I can get another fix, or a leg up on someone in order to break them down. Most of the time, I make excuses that growing up the way that I did turned me into the person that I am now. The thing is, your daddy grew up in the same house. He went through everything that I did, and he was still able to hold himself, and everyone else together. He was able to take care of all of us. He was able to bring a beautiful angel like yourself into this world, if only for a little while. He is the most amazing person that I have ever had the privilege of knowing, and I do nothing but hurt him.
He shakes his head, looking away. It was honesty that he hadn’t been able to even tell himself before now. She deserved to know the man that she would have been forced into loving had she lived to see him get out of rehab. She deserved to know that he would have been nothing but a drain on her. He had said things to her father in her name that weren’t fair to her father, or to her. He had that one last thing to apologize for before he would do her the biggest favor he ever could, leaving before he could do her any harm.
I bet your daddy told you when he came that he has a new family. See, things with your mommy didn’t work out. I would be lying if I said that the blame for that doesn’t land mostly on one of the two of them. I am not here to talk badly about them. Your daddy is happy now. He found an amazing woman that I know you would love dearly if you would have had the chance to meet her. You have brothers and sisters now that are amazing people in their own ways. You would learn so much from each of them. They would have protected you against this world unconditionally. That is more than I can say for your daddy’s side of the family. He adopted a girl named Gabby. She is your sister now and I was really angry that he did. I told him that he was replacing you. That loving her was taking away from how much he loved you. That making her his daughter somehow meant that you didn’t matter to him anymore. That isn’t true at all Emily. It isn't even a little true. The truth is, I felt like he is replacing me. He has a new family that won't take advantage of him, or hurt him, or lie to him. He has people around him that will support and love him like he deserves. In all honesty, it probably feels almost like he has you back in his arms. He is happy and I said those things about you because I feel like he is happy in spite of me, not because of me in any way.
His heart was breaking. He sits forward and brushes the engraving of her birthday on the stone. She didn't even live to see the first one, and here he is, wishing she was alive instead of him in her second.
I wish that then he thought of me he felt the same thing as when he thinks of you. He still lights up when people mention your name. I see his ears perk up and his attention drawn away every time he hears it, even if just by random passersby talking to someone he doesn't know. He thinks about you all the time. Even though you aren't here you are loved so much. You will always be loved. You won't ever be far away from his thoughts, or your mother's, or mine.
His phone vibrates in his pocket and he looks at the message sadly. Slowly, he gets to his feet and places his hand on the top of the stone.
I am sorry that I wasn't there to help take care of you when you needed it the most. I am sorry I never got to look into those beautiful green eyes in person. I am sorry that I am not a better person, a better uncle. I hope that if I ever see you again, that you can forgive me. That is what I want most in my life. I wish I could have held you.
He brushes tears from his face, and swallows hard. He frowns, forcing back more tears from falling.
Happy birthday Emily Quinn....
He steps away, again brushing at his face. The trail back down to the lobby of the front office was hard, but by the time he had reached it he had managed to force off the tears. He nodded to the woman manning the front counter, who signed him out as he walked through the front door to the parking lot. He approaches the car as Clarissa pulls in and steps around to the passenger side, opening it. He sits down next to her and looks her over.
Kris Halich: You didn’t have to come.
Clarissa looks over at him, and puts her hand on his shoulder.
Clarissa Ashford: I wanted to come.
He smiles and lowers his eyes to his lap.
Kris Halich: I am glad that you did.
She smiles and looks at him, moving her hand up and running it through his hair.
Clarissa Ashford: Are you okay?
He shrugs.
Kris Halich: I don’t know anymore.
Clarissa Ashford: You…
She looks up, trying to get him to meet her eyes, to no avail.
Clarissa Ashford: … you didn’t let her down, you know?
He shakes his head.
Kris Halich: I wasn’t there for her either though.
Clarissa Ashford: It wasn’t your fault. You were going through something.
He keeps shaking his head, and blows her words off without really considering them.
Kris Halich: I am always going through something. People are always cleaning up after me. I don’t give anything back to them.
Clarissa Ashford: Stop thinking so low of yourself, Kris.
She sighs, aggravated.
Clarissa Ashford: I hate that you do that all the time.
He laughs.
Kris Halich: It’s the truth Clarissa. Jason went through all the same things I did and it never broke him I have no excuse for how it broke me.
She starts to drive.
Clarissa Ashford: I just think that you’re way too hard on yourself.
He thinks about reaching over to take her hand but doesn’t. They blur the friendship line a lot and he didn’t know how comfortable she was about that.
Kris Halich: You are always there for me. I am not sure that I deserve that with all the things that I have done.
Clarissa Ashford: Why?
She looks over at him and sighs.
Clarissa Ashford: Why don’t you deserve it? Do you not remember everything that you have done for me?
Kris Halich: I care a lot about you. You deserve to have someone there for you. You’re an amazing woman Clarissa. You make me feel like a better person than I really am.
Clarissa Ashford: And you know I care a lot about you too. I am glad that I do, and you do the same thing for me. I get scared and worried about you when you go off on your own and torment yourself like this. I don’t want to lose you.
He smiles, not sure if she can see it with her focus on the road.
Kris Halich: You aren’t going to be losing me.
Clarissa Ashford:Then promise me.
She doesn’t take her eyes from the road, continuing to drive.
Clarissa Ashford: … promise me that I won’t lose you.
He nods.
Kris Halich: You won’t. I am always going to be around when you need me to be.
The pull up to a red light and turns to face him for the first time since she started driving.
Clarissa Ashford: I am glad to hear that, but what if I want you around all the time?
Her eyes search his face for an inaudible answer even before he finds the words. His smile fades just a little, but it is still there. He knew that this was a conversation that they would have to have eventually. They had crossed that line too many times for this not to come up.
Kris Halich: I would still be here of course. I am not going anywhere…
The light turns green, and she turns back to the road, continuing to drive.
Clarissa Ashford: I don’t want you too. It’s just… it’s to the point where I am starting to have feelings that I shouldn’t be having for just my best friend. It makes the thought of losing you even that much more scary.
Kris Halich: I know how you feel. I love you Clarissa. You know that, right? You’re one of the most important people in my life. Saying that you are just my manager and my best friend doesn’t really start to cover that.
She gets wide-eyed and an equally wide smile crosses her lips.
Clarissa Ashford: I just wanted to stop avoiding the obvious here. I love you too Kris. I honestly don’t know what or where I would be without you in my life.
He shakes his head.
Kris Halich: I don’t even want to know where I would be without you.
Clarissa Ashford: I can’t even stomach thinking about it.
She drops her hand from the steering wheel, to her lap, driving now with just one hand as the rain starts to clear. He looks at her hand for a long time, his heart beating faster now. He finally finds the will to reach out and interlock his fingers with hers, looking up at her as he does to make sure that doing so was ok. She turns to him and looks in his eyes with a smile, before turning back to the road.
Clarissa Ashford: You make me happy. You always have, even back when I was a mess and you went out of your way to make sure that I was kept out of harm’s way. I should have said something a long time ago. I just didn’t know if it would drive you away if I did.
He rubs the back of her hand with his thumb, turning back to the road himself. It was a long ride back. The way that he felt at the cemetery was in the back of his mind now. They had stopped short of talking about a relationship. In all honesty, if they had he wasn’t sure that it would have ended up with a happy ending. He was bad at those. That was something that she had experienced first hand at the end of his engagement with Ava.
Kris Halich: Like I said, I am not going anywhere. Plus, even when I do go somewhere, you are right there with me. Whether it is Pride, SCW, or anywhere else… you’re always there. I am lucky that you are.
The rest of the ride is pretty quiet. They both seem to have gotten a lot off of their chest. Kris’ mind wanders all over the place though. She wouldn’t feel the same way if she knew him better. If she knew even the smallest of percentages of the person that he was, he would not be in this car. That was a secret that he was going to have to keep between himself and his visits with his niece. It was one of the reasons that turning their friendship into something more, at least now, was something that he wasn’t ready to do. He couldn’t be totally honest with her, and that didn’t work with Ava. He wasn’t ready to be done hiding that part of himself, at least where Clarissa was involved. He was terrified to think about the repercussions of that.
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On-Camera
March 6th, 2015
Roulette
Here I am again, walking into a Pay Per View match in SCW, and again, just like last time, I have a shot at the Roulette Championship. Of course, there has been a lot of time between then and now. Equinox was the champion then. He was literally the best of the best of Roulette Champions. Nobody could top the guy. I had the opportunity, with a duo of others, to try and take that championship away from him. I came up short though. Normally people in front of a camera will come up for an excuse to explain away a loss. They will tell you that the champion was the better man… on that night. They will say that everyone has an off night. They will say that the referee was biased. That maybe the crowd was too loud. Maybe someone distracted them. Maybe the lighting in the arena was too bright. Everyone makes excuses. I am going to break that trend here and now and say that Equinox beat me because he was better than I was. I came within reach of winning, but he came out on top because he was better. He was better that night. He was better than I was leading up to the match. He was better than I would have been able to be after I left. No excuses. No bullshit.
He stops, walks around in the center of the ring. He had clearly waited to issue his statement so close to the pay per view so that he could pick the perfect venue for it. It was here, in the middle of the SCW ring, 48 hours before he would be standing in it when the bell rang for his opportunity at greatest. This was the perfect place. This was the perfect time. Two weeks of waiting for him to talk was over.
I have been paying a little bit of attention to Alex Kaelin. The time that SCW gave me off leading into this match made sure that I have had enough time to pay attention. I watched him defend his title a few weeks ago. I watched him impress. I sat and listened to every word he has had to say, and I have come up with one single conclusion. He is not Equinox. He is not better than I am. He is the basic, run of the mill, cocky asshole. Every one of his promos shows him ramble on about how he is the best. Every single one of him has him say that he is the greatest Roulette Champion that there has ever been, or ever will be. This guy rehashes the same statement in every video. Even worse, when he has more than one opponent in front of him, he rehashes the same statement to each person that he addresses individually. He has one bag of tricks, and he goes to it way too often. I bet later tonight you will see him release a promo, and he will say the same things about me that he has said to everyone leading up to every match he has ever had. For that reason alone, I will not be watching it. If any of you were smart, you wouldn’t either. Save your ten minutes. Once you have seen him talk once, you have seen him talk a dozen times. Just cut and paste my name into any promo he has cut before and you have the one he is going to drop today.
Kris strolls around the ring, looking out at the empty seats. Two short days from now they would be filled with people probably booing him, and waiting for him to fail so that his every word right now would be proven wrong. That didn’t bother him. He had told them all that they were entitled to their opinion. Before every match he encouraged them to voice their opinion, good or bad. Their noise alone was enough to drive him.
I am not saying that I am the greatest talent that has ever been on this roster. My saying so would be a joke that nobody would laugh at, but everyone would know. If I tried to put myself even in the top fifty of people that came through this place, that would still be untrue. I have never won a championship, not only in this company, but across every company I have ever been a part of. I have never been able to string together three wins in a row. That is what I am looking to do when I come into this ring 48 hours from now though. I am going to come in, I am going to give you hell, and like it or not, I am willing to put money on the fact that I will be walking out having done those two things. I will have a title to call my own. I will have what can be considered as a winning streak. Maybe, just maybe, I come a step closer to being someone that the roster might learn the name of. If not, who cares? I am still new. I have plenty of time to work my way up to whatever is the glass ceiling for me. I can’t run down your ability. This will be a fight. What I can run down, what I have run down, is your personality. You are cocky in a way that is laughable. What you radiate is not confidence, it is ignorance. If a guy like me, one that is unproven and unreliable, can walk in and make a big enough impression to get a shot at your belt after just two wins, what does that say about what they think of you? Go ahead. Issue your little promo. Say the same things you say about everyone, but when you are done think about the fact that if what you say is true, that the powers that be must think the exact same about you. They wouldn’t put me in a match that they didn’t think I didn’t have a shot at winning. They wouldn’t put me in a match where I would get obliterated. They put me against you because they think us to be comparable. If I were you, I would be offended.
Kris turns back to the camera, coming close to the ropes and resting his arms over the top. He raises his right foot and rests it on the bottom rope. He stares up at the camera for a moment, possibly letting his words sink in, possibly just organizing his thoughts. He chews on the inside of his mouth and shakes his head.
I am not the best trained individual. I am not the hardest hitting individual. What I do have, is speed, and I intend to use it. What I do have, is an ability to take a beating, and just keep getting up until you knock me unconscious. I am not saying that you will have to knock me out to win, I am not that cocky. I am realistic. You might be better trained. You might be more experienced, but you will be hard pressed to find someone that can take as much punishment as I can and just keep rolling his shoulder off the mat instead of getting beaten. If I were you, I would attack first, and throw your best shots early. That is going to be your best chance. You need some advice as to how to beat me? Don’t try and outrun me. Ground me. Beat me senseless. That way you might win. Why I am telling you this? I don’t want to hear any excuses. I just gave you the keys to the door. It is up to you to walk through it. If you don’t, I am walking out a champion. If you don’t it is nobody’s fault but your own. I will see you in two days Alex. I hope you see me coming.
