The wrestling business is actually a colder place than people might actually think. Everyone sees the outrageous amount of crew, the fans that flock, the wrestlers hanging out and think it's all family and fun and games. Not the case really. The crew go home to their families for most of the week, the fans become faces in the crowd. Don't get me wrong, a couple stand out, but they go home too. The wrestlers, well, we're attention whores. Want proof? Some superstar posts a picture of themselves on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and call that a gift to their fans. No you self centered pricks, that's you being arrogant and showing off your body for the millions of fakes who you wanna hear reply "You're hot" "You're pretty". The fact of the matter is they should be saying "You attention seeking fuck!". It's sadly what we're all about and half the wrestlers in the back would piss on their own mothers for another five minutes in the spotlight. Twitter = attention seeking, Facebook = attention seeking, Instagram = Oh look at my arse, I need your gratification, attention seeking, attention seeking, attention seeking! Tweeting a celeb in hopes they notice you, retweet your arse kissing bullshit, favorite your arse kissing bullshit, reply to your arse kissing bullshit. THAT is a wrestlers life, that's the loneliness we deal with so half the roster becomes that attention seeking whore. They become that cringe worthy "Look at me" person, because most nights out on the road, we are empty, we are these people wanting someone to say "I know you" just so you can smile, do your stupid wrestling pose and feel wanted.
Why do you think we sell our souls to do this job? We don't wanna end up in wheelchairs, or deal with the expected drug or alcohol problem that comes with this, we do this for the fame, to be noticed. Real friends and families in this business get replaced with drug dealers and barman, hotel receptionists and fast food workers. Yeah, that's our life, people don't get too close to others for fear of having their spot light stolen.
It's rare, very rare to find someone, a friend, someone you look to as a brother in the game. Let me stress this, with the attention seekers, egomaniacs and for want of a better word, sluts, in this sport, it's hard to trust. I'm lucky in a way, I found a family, thought I'd found the dream woman on this journey, turns out looks can be deceiving. I have however found two people I can trust, away from the Sins, away from the spotlight. Two men, one, a man who feels like I've known all my life, he's like a big sister to me, yep, I said sister. The other, a man who I've shared rough times with, a man who I have keep on the level and who has kept me on the level since the day we met. One of these two suggested I come here, sit here and let real feelings out. Spill out my heart and fuck the consequences. That's why I'm sitting here right now, I get a chance to be real with no one around, so let's be real.
Carson City has always been one of my favorite spots in the world. I've seen a lot, done a lot, but here, I love.
A secret beach on Lake Tahoe, my preferred location, sparkles brightly in the midday sunshine. A slight bite in the air cools down the midday sun, creeping across my skin. I sit by the shore, looking out on it's wondrous beauty.
<img src=http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/9/97/Secret_Beach_-_Lake_Tahoe_East_Shore.jpg>
Water laps gently against the bright white rocks. A smile crosses my face as I pull the shirt from over my head, placing it to the side of me.
See why I like coming here? Alone. There is no one around to bother me, no one around to sit in my head, no one around to tell me which way to go. Documented that I've had more than a few problems lately, the root of them being Odette Ryder, the happy smiley person to the crowd, but different to me. No doubt she'll see this thing, take offense and try and make me look bad. Odette isn't my only concern. Thatcher Rex, the same Thatcher Rex that doesn't follow me on Twitter, posts pics of my girlfriends arse. You're stepping on toes here Thatcher, seriously getting on my nerves, and Jordan Williams cups a handful of my girlfriends arse! I mean come on, stay out of our business and deal with you own, you dicks! To make it worse, and yes, it get's worse, I get drawn to face my little brother, Despayre, in this poxy tournament I wish was never thought of.
A long sigh exits my lungs
It's like someone up there doesn't wanna see me happy. Just all get what you want out of me and leave me by the side of the road. Time to vent some real feelings.
I step forwards towards the waters edge, looking down, and take a seat. I start to look as colours start to come together before my eyes, forming in the waters. A pale skinned female with long dark hair forms in the water. I speak out loud
"It all started with you. You was the one that stood there with a hammer and started to make cracks in her, in to my life. You see she became obsessed, she forgot everything that was there before you came along. She was fine until your jealousy took over. Couldn't bare to be outshone by someone so much better, your spite became too much. You started this, and if I have to, I'll finish it. The downhill slide was started by you."
The image changes to a dark skinned male, no hair on his head.
"And you, you just carried it on didn't ya? Picked up the baton and ran with it. You're as see through as a window. I know what this is about, this is not just some little team, I know what you want. I know you are, I know what you're like. This is where you stop being who you think you are. This is where you go and get back to your wi.... oh, I get it. Yours falls apart, so must mine? She might be blind to your shit, I am not."
Another image changes to a younger woman, dark flowing hair. I look at the blurred image, my jaw tightening, my breathing getting heavy.
I'm here, alone, venting, no one can hear this, just me.
"You selfish fuck"
I close my eyes.
"This is the woman, that right now, feels like she used me. All was good and fine and then I see that tweet. Valentines day! FUCKING VALENTINES DAY and where the fuck are you gonna be? With that ginger haired bastard, selling your arse out for the sake of the Luxor. Thanks a whole lot. I mean how many faces do you really have? Trying to get all close to me, while on Valentines day, selling away ya life for some stupid auction bullshit. Go for it, make me look like I got the wrong end of the stick but let's face facts shall we? You could have made such great strides to fix things with us on the most romantic day of the year."
I shake my head, my breaking getting heavier, my hands clinching tight together.
"But you chose not to, while all the time trying to kiss up to me. Shit should be clearer to me. You used me, didn't you? I was higher up and you stuck those painted nails in to me, just to get ahead. Date a sin, get more TV time. What that all I was to you? Let me tell the world about things away from wrestling, shall I? Let them judge if you're the bad guy. I have been at your side constantly since we met, I have put you constantly before me, I have been there through your shit times, I still stuck around like a puppy dog when you had more important things to do. I have been nothing but good for you, but do you appreciate it? NO, do you even care? NO. To you, you've got me on a string and ya just like dangling me. How many people do you talk to behind my back? How many do you spread lies to, in hope I will find out and feel guilty?"
I slam the ground with my fist
"It's all games to you. You get shit on in the past, so this must be you way of shitting on mankind. Making me feel small, acting cheap and single for the fame. The fact that you have pushed me to the edge, the fact that I ignored people when they said you're not right, when they said that they don't buy your bullshit. They told me no one should be that peppy. They told me that you stink of lies and ego. When they told me you was gonna see me as a doormat for being there for you, for giving you what you want. It makes me feel sick, it makes me feel sick that I bought this crap."
I close my eyes, breathing heavier and heavier.
"It makes me feel sick that I believed you cared for me, when all you do is care about you. Hey, pose for the picture to get your face out there even more than it is. Ever thought of saying no, you wanted to be with me? The thought never cross your one way traffic mind. For what? Love?"
I grip my head in my hands, squeezing my eyes tightly
"I told you I love you on a couple of occasions, you brushed it away. I should have saw your game than, I should have saw that you were playing me and still are. The sweet act has run it's course and your true colours are pissing out all over the place. There's me willing to put my heart on the line, there's you willing to stop on it to get ahead. You have no commitment at all. Not once in the last couple of months have you shown commitment, just flirt with everything possible, but when I innocently sit with my tag partner and her stable mates, I'M THE BAD ONE? FUCK OFF!"
A thumping appears in my head, my eyes blurring.
"You've been putting it out there like it's going out of fashion, you've been waving it to anyone who wanted to see it, while I've been here all along, nowhere near the top of your priority list unless a camera is close by. You wanna play the victim, cause you lose your best friend, if commitment doesn't change, you'll be losing me as a friend, apparent boyfriend, the guy in SCW you use."
Crashing pain burns through my skull like an hot iron is branding my head.
"I think of you constantly, do you think of me? I doubt it, I mean you could be with me, but you're not. You could be told how special you are every day, make to feel amazing, but you don't. You use me as a convenience, just there when you want me and the sad thing is, it's your loss. When I walk away from you, and God knows my patience is thin with you and your selfish arse right now, I will be the best thing you've ever lost."
I grit my teeth firmly
"I feel like I could give you the world, but it wouldn't be enough for you, like I will never be enough for you. You probably got me right where you want me and I'm an idiot to even be here around you, trying to spend every second with you. It's a waste when you've got me on string like a little puppet"
I look down at the blurry image.
"One week, some kind of sign that I mean something to you, some kind of show of commitment or I take the biggest pair of scissors I can find and cut you the fuck outta my life on every level. One week or you can piss off with the ginger one, or the bald one, or anyone else you want, because I'm sick of being your game on every level."
I brush away the water, not wanting to see what I saw, but another face appears. The face of a young man, long hair with his head shaven on one side.
"This is going to be the hardest thing I've faced in my career. In the ring with you, on one side of the ring, it's a dream team, against is going to hurt a bit. Remember when I won the heavyweight title? We were in the ring together and you stepped out, and I went on to win the thing? Ever wondered what would have happened if you never stepped out of the ring and left? I have, I have thought about it for a long time and you could have been the one who stopped me. It could have been you covering yourself in glory, not me, maybe it should have been you over me. Maybe if I stepped off from it life would have been a little more different my brother, maybe you should be the one with the moniker of first ever SCW Heavyweight champion. This is why I have told you many times you should step up and go for the solo gold. Because you can do this, you can far pass me and who I can be. Someday, you're going to have to do it, step on up and be the man at the top, because that's what people want to see. That's what people want to feel. They want to feel like they've pushed you along the way, that they've watched your journey. This is what you need to do brother"
I breathe deep, trying to relax from my previous outbursts.
"This could be a great chance for you and Karina to really make a name for yourself, book yourself on the supercard. I don't know how you're going to react seeing me in the ring, on the other side, but this must be done."
I run my fingers through my hair
"I know it's hard to understand, but I need to do this, I need to get in the final. I'm looking at the other side of the bracket and I see a chance here, not only for me, but for Roxi. Getting to the final will get Roxi in the ring with either of the most talented wrestlers in SCW. Personal feelings aside for either, they are at the level everyone aims at. This is a great chance for Roxi. We get there, we take this, Roxi gets the credit she deserves. She's dealt with me for a few weeks now, I have nothing but good to say about her, and she deserves it. People can say she's many things, but fighting a good cause is always on her mind. Just for that alone, she deserves to be facing one of those two"
I continue to stare down at the blurred face.
"I guess you could argue Karina deserves the same, but Karina has been there, Roxi needs this. Roxi could be the next big Bombshell and I have to do what I can to make sure she's in that final my brother, I need to make sure Roxi is there"
I sigh deeply
"As for me, what I want buddy, doesn't matter, clearly hasn't for weeks, but I will tell you what I want. I want to put my hands around Jordan Williams throat and choke him."
A weird darker look crosses my face
"I want to choke him beyond reasonable logic, because he's as much to blame for this as she is. He goads her, he is a shark that smells the blood and getting ready to strike, I need to choke him, but Thatcher Rex will be a lovely second option."
A slight smile crosses my face.
"He sits there chatting to who I love, posting pics of her rear for the world to see. Is he too blind to see he's stepping on toes here in things way over his head? It gets to me brother, it gets to me more that she invites this on and doesn't step in and say she's with someone. I guess in her mind, she's not. I guess it's more of that game she likes to play. Maybe you was right on Climax Control, maybe telling her some home truths was needed. It won't make a difference but it needed to be said I think."
I look up, looking over Lake Tahoe.
"I don't want to be in the ring with you, you are my partner but Despy, I need this. Roxi and I will step up to the final, up to Blaze Of Glory II where she will take on one of the best, and I will get to wrap my hands around someone's throat and choke the life out of them, and a message in to them. That's something you can believe."
Maybe he was right, maybe I did need to get this off my chest, maybe tonight, I'll sleep easy without waking up with the sense of loss.... maybe this last thought, holds more truth than you know
The scene fades to black as I continue to look out over Lake Tahoe
