Last Resort
I was never an unhappy child. In fact quite the opposite. I smiled, I laughed. I played with my brothers, my neighbors, my friends at school. I was social, outgoing. Many would say I was an extrovert.
You know it’s funny, they say a leopard can’t change their spots of a zebra can’t change their stripes, implying that humans can’t change. They will always be the same. But then in the same breath those same people will chastise you for changing. The common phrasing of not understanding a changed point of view.
The world will find a reason to hate you. Either because you refuse to change or because you have changed. In the end someone, somewhere will take issue with it. Someone who has known you for years or minutes. They will make a judgment and they will follow through.
So what do we do?
What do we say?
Looking to the past doesn’t work. Looking to the future is speculatory and will never yield any truth as it is all a lie. A lie of hope, or in looking into the past a lie of convenience.
I allowed myself to be lied to once. I turned a blind eye to the problems of the world and I told myself that I was not part of the problem., That despite what I did I was a force for good. I had a right and privilege to stand above others who I looked at as scum of the earth.
But my secret? My shame? Is that deep down I knew I was no better than any of them. I had a family that I smiled and laughed with, I had a boyfriend I said I loved despite his faults and I turned a blind eye to the truth. That I was allowing them to use me for their own gains and own reasons. I was a part of the problem and in some ways I was the catalyst.
Leaving was not my idea. In fact I didn’t want to. But I needed a new start. I needed a fresh outlook and I found it.
This was my last resort.
Apologies.
Kallie was right.
It’s all Johanna could think to herself as she sat on one of the benches at Wolfslair. For the most part the moments and transgressions of last week had been forgotten and shunted aside. Largely overlooked due to Alexs’ influence and words to everyone else. Even Alicia herself had shrugged it off and made an effort to dissuade everyone’s fear. But, it was still there. The doubt and trepidation, a small look from the side here, a whisper there. Johanna had always been somewhat feared by those in Wolfslair, but this was different. It was constant.
The trust was gone. And broken.
Johanna closed her eyes, she breathed deep, in and out. Slowly but surely she was feeling better about herself and the situation. But she knew she still had something to do. Her hands found one another, her fingers interlacing as she opened her eyes and looked across the gym floor. Alicia was there, moving toward her. Wearing sunglasses, inside, her hands out as she felt for a way over to Johanna. Stepping slowly, bumping into members of wolfslair and ap;ologising. Johanna shook her head as she grabbed Austins shoulders and moved around him to find the end of the mats.
She stepped onto the concrete and closer to Johanna, her hands out as she bent down to touch the bench and turn to plant herself down on it. Alicia let out a deep breath and clung to the seat as if holding on for dear life. Johanna sighed and shook her head, a small smirk coming across her lips as she turned to Alicia. ”Are you done with the whole blind bit yet?” Alicia’s eyebrow narrowed under the glasses as she huffed and put her hand on her hips.
She feined offense and grumbled before looking directly at Alicia from behind the glasses. ”Excuse me, I have no idea what you mean, I am handicapped right now and I will thank you not to make fun.” Johanna slowly shook her head, she knew what Alicia was trying to doi. She was trying to break the ice and change the mood. To remind Johanna of the family nature of the gym.And even though Johannas guard lowered a little, she was still reminded of what happened.
She looked down and leaned forward, putting her elbows on her things as she sighed heavily ”I’m sorry Alicia…”
Alicia smirked and shook her head taking off the sunglasses. ”It’s cool I was just committing to the bit.”
Johanna shook her head and looked back at Alicia with a grin. ”Not for that, for knocking you out” She sighed again, as if holding in each breath and forcing herself to release it. There were a few more awkward moments that flew by, it would have been seconds but felt like an eternity. ”I didn’t mean it..”
”Yes you did.” Alicia scoffed and pushes up to herself moving around in front of Johanna, folding her arms over her chest. Johanna looked up and went to protest, instead Alicia put her hands up and shook her head. ”You meant to do it and it’s fine. You were angry, frustrated and in a weird mindset. It happens when fighting for a world championship…believe me. I know. I understand.” She paused again turning to look at everyone else in the gym. ”One of the few that do.”
She trailed off. Johanna swallowed hard. She was right, not everyone knew what it was like to fight for a world title. To have to get into that kind of competitive mindset. A mindset to not just win the match but to go to length that would break most humans. To be on that kind of edge. ” It doesn’t matter anyway. I failed.”
Johannes voice ended up being a whisper. All the confidence left her body and she closed her eyes. Alicia shook her head. ”Why do we fall?” Johanna looked up. Alicia smiled. ”To get back up again…”
Johanna stood up and moved next to Alicia as they both turned to look at the rest of the gym. Everyone was half watching them, half continuing with their workouts. Even Alex was looking over at them. To make sure there was no brawl about to happen. ”Thank you…” Alicia smiled wide, she gave Johanna a nod as they both just looked out again at everyone. Johanna cleared her throat and leaned over. ”Did you…take that from The dark knight?” Alicia smiled again and gave Johanna a nod.
”Hey..some of us…just want to watch the world burn…”
An old foe
]color=yellow]”Are we defined by our wins…or losses?””[/color]
Johannas bright blue eyes burned as she looked forward with a steely determined look. An answer to her question would never come from any other source but herself. She shook her head and laughed under her breath.
”A believe, it’s a mixture of both. See, some wins, they just don’t matter. Against opponents that don’t have anything more to offer than a filler match to remind everyone what you’re capable of. And some losses, well, sometimes you just don’t care enough to acknowledge them or to learn from them. That’s what most do. Most people look at a loss and simply flitter it away like a passing afterthought. Crystal Zdunich, Jessie Salco, Mercedes Vargas. They can eat loss after loss after loss and the week after come out in front of all of you and simply hide it. If you don’t talk about something or care about it then it losses its power.”
“However, that’s the problem. See, if you take somethings power away you make it not matter. You make it so that any lessons you could learn from it are wasted and growth is stunted. I lost to Amber Ryan. The biggest match of my career, for the biggest prize in the goddamn professional wrestling world and I watched as it slipped through my fingers. Now, I can take so many lessons from that match. I can look at what I did wrong and what I did right. And that gives it power. Denying that is something that can destroy you and your potential.”
“So what are the positives hmmm? What did I do that showed the world who Johanna Krieger is? Well, I matched Amber Ryan verbally and physically. See, so many wondered why I was getting the title opportunity. Some assumed because Amber had beaten all the top contenders and while it is most certainly true that she has show herself to be the best of the best…I am not simply a fill in…”
“I am a two time Roulette champion, a former mixed tag team champion and someone who has beaten some of the biggest names in SCW. I got in that ring and I took the best of the best to her goddamn limits. I made Amber think, for a split second, that she could LOSE the title. Imagine that. For one moment. A woman who has run her way through the Bombshells roster like a hot knife through butter, she came face to face with her own mortality and I put the fear of fuck9ing god into her….”
Johanna goals the last few words, pacing back and forth like a caged animal as she feels the confidence that has given her so many high profile wins surge through her body. A small smirk crossing her black painted lips as she stares ahead.
”But, what are the negatives? You know, those things that so many of you try and shuffle under the rug? Well, I lost for one. I had an opportunity that rarely comes around and despite my best efforts, Amber Ryan is the one who walked out of that match as the champion. I gave her my best and my best was simply not good enough. This time. Do you know how it feels? Giving your absolute best and then knowing it simply did not master? It would break a lesser woman. I suppose I can understand the compulsion from some of you to simply…forget…”
“To ignore, to move on. But I won’t. And I’ll use it as fuel. I will use it to drive me forward and that is very very bad news for my opponent. Seleana Zdunich. She and I could not be more opposite. I am driven by a love for professional wrestling. And she is known for being someone who is constantly preoccupied with her own personal life and it’s drama. Yet somehow, Seleana succeeds despite herself. See, on the same night that I had my greatest failure, Seleana had her greatest success in months…months…”
“A woman who has been just existing on this company. Drifting along without much of an impact.”
“Amber Ryan could have looked at Seleana, realized she was a former world champion and could have defended the title against Seleana but she didn't. She chose me. And Seleana instead got put in a triple threat match where the winner would get a future Internet title match against Andre Hernandez. Congratulations Seleana, you will be the next victim for her. And what's worse is before you even get there, before you even get to step in the ring with Andrea, you have to face me. You have to face someone who has a chip on her shoulder…”
Johanna can’t help but laugh as she shakes her head and continues.
”You need to build momentum. Build a future to try and make sure Andrea takes you seriously and against me, that won’t get you very far. Hell Seleana it won’t even get you very far with thinking that your win over Weston and Barnhart mattered. See, you were the least shit out of a shit sandwich. Dani Weston hasn’t been relevant in years, she comes, she goes, she losses, she doesn’t care and she acts like people will applaud her. And Bae Barnhart? Well, her husband seems to be holding the luck right now cause she’s got none and she doesn’t have the talent to get anywhere else. So congratulations Seleana, you found success without actually finding success, it’s an incredible talent you have.”
“But what will you do Seleana? Crow about your win? Ignore everything else that has happened in the last year? Spout off some happy go lucky bullshit to try and make those people care about you and appreciate you? Cause they don’t. They don't because you try and be a hero to them, you try and be a hero for your wife who gives zero shits about you and your family that you keep letting down.”
“This is a jungle Seleana. A jungle full of fucking predators and you and nothing but prey. And week in and week out you do your best and try your hardest, but while my hardest gets me toi the top and into wars with the top of the company your best gets you…wins over the dregs of SCW…”
“And you think this means you can get in the ring with someone like me?”
“I show respect to people who earn it. I showed respect to Amber Ryan because she has decimated the entire landscape here. But you? I don’t respect you. I’m not going to sit here and hand you a fucking participation trophy while you churn out the same boring bullshit in and out of the ring that you always do while I have pushed myself to be the most dangerous human being in this company. I am not going to respect a woman who refuses to grow and learn and sticks her head in the sand to ignore her own failures.”
“Now…at Climax Control, I will halt your momentum and I will send a message. Johanna Krieger, the Agent of fucking mayhem is not done. I will not go quietly into the night and I will not simply be happy with my “place” as others are…I will climb back to the top and I will do it on your broken body…”
