Whew. As exhausted as I am after my match against Bella, I’m running on adrenaline and pumped up! I honestly couldn’t have asked for a better first opponent back than Bella, because I know she wanted to prove herself just as much as I did. And she did, regardless of the fact that I won. That woman proved she’s still got it, even less than three months after giving birth. Talk about bouncing back! Mad props to her.
But, onwards and upwards! And I said as much when Pussy Willow found me and Artie backstage after my match. I addressed Alexandra Calaway, again, even though we had that little confrontation in the ring. I just wanted to make myself and my intentions clear, in case she didn’t quite get the message. Hopefully she got it, and maybe she’ll be kind enough to actually speak a few words about it this week, right? If not…eh, I’m not giving up.
It’s just about time to head home and Artie and I are gathering our things. He’s just about done but I’m kinda taking my time when he breaks the short silence between us. “You really did great out there tonight,” he says, leaning against the wall as he waits for me. I smile and take in a deep breath.
“Thanks, honey!” I reply back, but a fleeting shred of self-doubt waves over me. “It wasn’t easy, though. I almost thought Bella had me beat a few times. I really should have-” I stop, quickly realizing the words that are trying to come out of my mouth are not mine, but Piper’s. The anxiety is trying to build again. “No, nevermind. I know I did great out there!”
I feel myself relax, and take in another deep breath. Artie looks at me for a moment, knowing very well what just happened. He’s been so worried about me the past few months. I don’t know what I would do without him, really. “You sure you’re doing okay?” He asks, taking a step forward. I turn around to face him. “I know you said you have your anxiety under control now, but sometimes it seems like you don’t. Especially now with being back in SCW, I want to be completely sure. I want you to be completely sure.”
I close the gap between us, giving him a reassuring smile as I adjust the strap of my duffel bag over my shoulder. “I’m fine, Artie. Really!” I reassure him again. “I told you this wasn’t going to be easy. There are going to be moments where Piper tries to bring me down, but I’ve got a better handle on her now. I needed tonight, one way or another.”
Artie gives me a weird look, and I know why. “It will never be not weird that you gave your anxiety a name.” We’ve had this talk before, and I understand his point, but not everyone understands mine. “When you talk about your anxiety by name, it really makes you seem like you have a split personality in a way. I just don’t want people thinking you’re crazy!”
I nod with a laugh. “Let them think what they want, Artie.” I say, waving the thought off. “I don’t care what they think, and I have the support of my therapist in giving the anxiety a name, so it shouldn’t be a big deal. Besides, it’s fun when I have to tell the bitch to pipe down. You’ve even laughed sometimes!” And it’s true. He has, because sometimes out of the blew I just yell it out and he nearly jumps out of his skin.
“That’s only when you randomly shout it when the room is quiet.” He takes the words out of my mind. “It doesn’t just scare the crap out of me, but Loki too! You’ve seen the look he gives you.”
Ahh, my Loki boy. He does give me some strange looks, but I really love that dog. “Yeah, but he still loves his momma. And his daddy, too, of course.” I give him a quick peck on the cheek.
“Did you remember to take your meds today?” I nearly jump back when he asks this.
I look around, making sure no one had heard him, and thankfully they didn’t. “Shhhh!” I snap at him. “I told you I didn’t want anyone to know I was taking anxiety medication!” I speak in a hushed voice so no one will hear me. He just shakes his head.
“It’s not such a big deal, Bobbie.” He says. He has a point, but it’s still something I am not ready for people to know. “There’s no shame in needing help. You should know that.”
I close my eyes and breathe deep. I do know he is right, but even if he is, some things should still remain private where my health is concerned. And I know that if some people get wind of this bit of information, they’ll try and use it against me. It would be crappy of them to do that, but that’s just how some people are! “I do know that, Artie, but still. When I’m ready for more people to know, I will tell them. And to answer your question, yes. Thank you for looking out for me.”
“What kind of husband would I be if I didn’t look out for you?” He doesn’t even hesitate.
“You are lucky Fenris isn’t around to hear you say that.” I say this because I haven’t told him yet that Artie and I got married a few months ago.
“You know, the longer you wait to tell him, the more angry he will be.” Artie replies, folding his arms in front of him. Again, he has a point. Why does he always have to be right?
“I’m gonna tell him! Don’t worry!” It’s half the truth. I mean, I am going to tell Fenris eventually. I just don’t know how or when. Artie can read right through me and he grins.
“Uh huh.” He says, and I slip past him to open the door. “When? On our one year anniversary?” As intimidated by Fenris as he is, Artie chuckles at his own joke. I look at him with narrowed eyes and realize I’ve got nothing to say against that, because it may very well be exactly then. I don’t want it to be, and I hope it isn’t, but having to tell Fenris we got married and he and Aron weren’t there to be part of it? Well…he’s gonna blow a gasket.
“You know, you could just as easily tell Fenris as I can!” No sooner than I speak the words than does Artie’s face drop. I give him a grin of my own and wink at him. “Yeah, that is what I thought! You’re just as afraid of him as I am! No c’mon. I want to get home and snuggle with our baby Loki.”
I take him by the arm and lead him out of the room. He wants to say something in protest to what I have just said, but this is Artie after all. It doesn’t matter right now anyway. Now that I am back, I have plenty of time to talk about my time off when I am good and ready.
If people don’t like it. Well, I’ve got a big white booty they can kiss!
Well, I did it! I was successful in my return to the ring and defeated Bella Madison, as hard as it was, honestly. And a part of me feels bad because I know she has the same goals in mind for herself as I do now that she is back. She wants to win her first singles gold, too, and I was that first roadblock standing in her way of proving she deserves it and that she can be a great singles champion. But as much as she wants that same thing, I want it just a little bit more. And I’m not so much focused on proving it to everyone else, but proving it to myself…and to Piper- because she’s always there just waiting in the background for any shred of doubt.
And I almost faltered last week, even after I beat Bella. There were times where, even though I was giving my all and fighting as hard as I could, it felt like it wasn’t going to be enough and that Bella’s speed and agility would ultimately get the best of me. That…that was Piper. She was trying like hell to break me down, and even after I was backstage after winning, I could hear the ‘you got lucky’ or ‘you shouldn’t have won that’ stuff in the back of my mind. But I took in a few deep breaths and I fought through it.
Not going to lie, as happy as I was that I won and as much as I know that this was just step one to achieving my ultimate goal, I was looking forward to and expecting this Sunday off from wrestling. It would have given me time to focus on other things and I could have still been at the show to continue to handle business with Alexandra Calaway, but I guess there were other plans, because I was asked if I wanted to take Roxi Johnson’s place in the match against Seleana Zdunich. I didn’t even hesitate to agree, because…the harder and more I work, the greater the reward! A shot at Alexandra Calaway and that Bombshell Roulette Championship is the best reward I can possibly think of. I’ve been knocked down so many times, but I keep getting back up and looking forward.
What about you, Seleana? I’ve gotta say, I’m a little confused about you right now. I let myself get beat by you several months back, and as I was getting ready for this match this week and looking back on your recent matches, my jaw dropped a little bit. What happened to you? What happened to the Seleana that is a former champion? What happened to the Seleana that people were worried about going up against? Where did she go? Because the Seleana that I see right now is a shell of what you once were.
I told myself when I returned this time that I would never let myself get too confident in going up against any opponent, no matter who it was. I should say that includes you, Seleana, but I honestly don’t know if it should, because it’s almost as if you simply don’t care anymore. You’re just…here. So how can I not be confident and absolutely sure of beating someone when I look at how low you have fallen down the ladder? I guess anything can happen, because like I said and like everyone knows, you beat me once earlier this year, so it can surely happen again, but from where I am standing…I can not and will not let that happen.
I’m not going to take it easy on you either. It won’t matter if you don’t put up the same fight that you once did, you are the second step in my journey to correcting all the losses that I shouldn’t have on my record. You’re the next stepping stone on my path to Alexandra Calaway and the Bombshell Roulette Championship. I guess my question for you is, what exactly am I to you?
Win or lose, what is your next step, Sel? You are a former World Bombshell Champion in your own right. Granted, you didn’t hold the title very long, but you won it once before, you damn sure could hold it again if it is what you really wanted. But somehow, I don’t think it is what you want. I don’t even think you want to be around anymore, because you sure as hell aren’t acting like it. You are given chances by the bosses to earn something and to build yourself back up to the start they once saw, but then you just…let them down. You let yourself and your family down.
Like I already asked…what happened to you?
Give me something here, Sel. Show me something so that I don’t have to break my promise to myself that I wouldn’t get over confident in my matches. Prove to me and to everyone else that you still have that start power in you, because no one sees it anymore and the more losses you take, the more of a joke you will become. Trust me, I have been there. All it takes to turn it around is to believe in yourself for a change. If not for yourself, for your daughter. Do you really want her to look at her mother and be disappointed? I’m sorry if that hits a sore spot, but maybe that will smack some sense into you once and for all.
If not…well then maybe I will use this match to do it for you. Maybe I will smack and toss you around, begging for you to wake the hell up and fight, because I don’t want this to be easy, Sel. I don’t want people to say that anyone can beat Seleana so what if I did? Fight, Sel. FIGHT! Give me a run for my money. Wear me down. Put the little thoughts of self-doubt in my mind, because it’s what I need. I’m going to give it my all on Sunday, because I promised myself that I would from here on out. The only question that remains is…
Are you going to do the same?
See you Sunday, Seleana!
