Vindication
I have said it before.
I’ll say it again.
Repeat it, like a mantra. I live for this. I live for this. I live for this. But each time I run through it, each time I say it, or think it, I feel bad. My heart sinks. My body shuts down. But it’s not doubt. It’s not fear.
It’s anger.
Anger at myself. Anger at my own feelings. Guilt. The world tells me that I should be a mother first. A wife second. Then a wrestler. Last. I should care about this last. My life’s work. And that comment, that guilt, that bullshit has weighed me down and made me feel like a second class citizen.
That isn't me, that isn’t what I do.
I have risen above that, pushed harder than anyone. ANYONE, through the face of self doubt, guilt, anger and physical and emotional abuse. Through daddy issues and an unsupportive mother. I pushed through it all and came out the otherside to be successful. And I’m not going to apologize for that.
I don’t want to feel guilt, anger, hatred. I don’t want to get it under my skin.
I don’t want to hate what I love.
I don’t want to walk from this and say “well, it’s time to be a mother”...
I love my kids…
I love my husband…
But…
I live for this…
He met my heart
Washington D.C
3 Years Ago
Their laughter was amazing and infectious. Like the sound of a chorus of angels descending from the heavens to open the pearly gates and take all the righteous to paradise. At Least that is what the book made it seem like. I had never put much stock in such things after the life I lived.
But growing up in the south, in an old money family of Georgia, I was expected to believe in the divine. In the good pure love of God. But my ex was a good Christian man. He went to church, he gave large amounts to the collection plate all the while tightening his grip around my throat.
Though now I find myself believing in a higher power than myself. Call it karma, call it determination. In the end I'm standing in my home, a lovely house in the suburbs of upper New York found for me by Lara Chambers. A woman who is like my surrogate mother. A woman who has shown me love and compassion who I owe so much too.
I'm happy. Despite the dark clouds over my head when it comes to the line or naysayers and arrogant wannabe’s o have a wonderful life now. A man who loves me and wants what is best for me. My support system and business partner. Michael Reynolds.
He smiles at me even now as I stand against a door frame sipping my coffee. Rory and Ryan, my sweet boys kept laughing and playing moving around Michael as he defends himself from their playful attacks. Rory lands in the couch as Ryan takes Michaels back.
Michael pulls himself up carrying the younger boy as I giggled and put down my cup I had never seen my boys so happy. Michael kept himself at a distance as to not intrude but close enough that they enjoyed their time with him.
But now I had to ask what the future holds for us. This felt like family and happ beds. This felt right and comfortable. Michael and I agreed we didn't want to move to fast. No talks of marriage or the future. We have said we love one another, we feel that connection.
But marriage is something we both have left out. Seeing him with them, seeing his natural look as a father. It warmed my heart. It made me smile and know that it was all going to be alright and that he was always going to be there for them and me. He would never hurt them, he would always care and that is all I ever wanted….
And needed
I'd seen Michael with my boys. I'd felt Michael with me. I knew his heart and soul. I knew his tenderness and sweet nature. His handsome smile and the sparkle in his eye as he spent time with us. The warmth of his hands as they would pull me against him. I heard his heartbeat, it was like music. But that was behind closed doors in our personal life.
But when it comes to business? He changed. He became focused as a laser beam. The playful smile turned into an arrogant one. He was in his element. The forging of deals and making money. The side of this business I had always failed at.
He was great at it. He was a master. And he would do it all out of loyalty and love. This wasn't about money or fame. He wasn't about growing himself or just his name. He felt strongly and fought harder because he understood that this was a true partnership. Sure I was the one in the lights, the one who won the titles. But he has been the driving force to help extend the brand I created for myself.
The brand I had let others damage.
I am not blind to the fact people dislike me. In some cases hate me. Their anger and jealousy misplaced and in some cases skewed due to others. Michael didn't care about any of that. He has helped me grow and be a better person. The business side though. That was different.
He has made me a better person in our lives. Made me mature into a young woman worthy of the standing I had earned. A fact others couldn't gloat about. If I was angry or frustrated preparing to snap back at those who would drag my name through the mud he would simply take my phone then my hands and remind me that all the public squabbling meant nothing.
What really mattered was what I have done in that ring. What I have achieved through my athletic ability. And he was right. But the part of this I never understood or was good at he had taken over. He handled investments, contracts, royalties, talent bookings and appearances. He had become my middle man.
He was already successful.
Already financially secure.
He had helped me save up and secure a future for my kids. And now as I sit here staring at him as he paced across the room I saw his version of fighting. His verbal assault as he beat down a lawyer representing a royalty firm. They had tried to withhold a cheque, Michael had none of it. His demeanour changed. His voice lowered and he made sure we got what was owed.
My hero. My leader. My other half. He knows me and my heart but also knew I would accept his help and grow as a person. I'd never been this happy. Never been so complete. Not with Chris or Travis. Kaden or Cass. Michael was what I needed, not just what I wanted.
I kept staring, kept smiling even as he growled down the phone. He hung it up and took a deep breath before turning back towards me. Business Michael melted away and he simply smiled and ran a hand through his wavy brown hair. His hands slid around my hips and pulled me forward, he whispered sweet nothings in my ear and told me the news. Truth be told all I wanted was him….
That's what made me rich.
Queen for a day, fool for a lifetime
”Well, ain’t this interesting?. A match with four of the most prolific women in Sin City Wrestling. A golden carrot dangling right there for the winning team. Yes, that’s right, Winning team. Not a singular person. I’ll get to that. But first off. I’m going to address the whole Bobbie Dahl situation. See, Bobbie is now behind me, just like she quite frankly always should of been. Now, that might seem arrogant of me, something I have been accused of. By everyone. Ever. And unlike Bobbie who seemed to get angry whenever she was called out for being jealous, or Cristina for being fake, or Roxi for being two faced...I own it.”
“I am arrogant. I am cocky. I am a loudmouth. And lets be honest here, I should be. All of you people crying about the bad bad things I say and how arrogant I am need to look back at what I have done in my career. From training at a young age and busting my ass in Japan to coming back to the US and revolutionising the professional wrestling world for women, to just my goddamn dominance in Sin City Wrestling.”
“This is what I do, this is what I am good at. And it’s not on me to “tone down” my arrogance and my attitude. It is on every single one of you to shut me up.”
“It was the same with Fenris, with Ben Jordan hell even Cristina when she has been her arrogant personality. If you can flaunt it, if you can prove it then it should be on everyone else to stop it. I held the Sin city wrestling bombshell title for over three hundred days. Three hundred, over two reigns. That isn’t anything to turn your nose up at, ever. I got hurt and taken out by Bobbie Dahl and it gave the entire Bombshells division a chance to shine. That’s what you all wanted right?. You all wanted Alicia Lukas out of the way so you could all have a chance to get into the spotlight and be diamonds.”
“How’d that work out for ya huh?”
Alicia raises an eyebrow and outstretches her arms. For the first time we notice her shirt, a brand new black, pink and red wolfslair shirt with the women of the gym on it. Herself, Johanna Krieger, Charlie Jones and Kallie Rezick. She smiles and runs a hand through her long blond hair, her arrogance shining through.
”Look at how it worked out for Bobbie. And hey, I’m not going to lie here, Bobbie did bring it in our match, she came at me and gave me everything and she came so close. SO DAMN CLOSE to beating me. But so close, doesn’t mean a damn thing. You either win ot you don’t and Bobbie lost. Bobbie had her moment to prove to the world everything she said was true and in the end, she failed. But it wasn’t the first time she failed. She had a chance to dethrone Roxi, to become the champion. It was right there at her fingertips, and it all slipped away.”
“Bobbie had a chance to shine like a diamond, Bobbie had a chance to take the spotlight I was shoved from. And in the end, she was found to be not good enough. Just like when she got in the ring with me. And just to remind you people, since I came back, I have lost a match to Roxi because of Bobbie, I have beaten the former Roulette champion, while she was the champion and I beast the current Bombshells champion Evie Jordan right before she won the title. And unlike Bea Barnhart who is all over twitter begging for a title shot because she beat Violet Holt, I’m trying to EARN it….”
“But, that is since I came back. And I’m still not quite in that spotlight. See, that giant shining light that I stood in and by proxy helped the rest of you get a piece of is still vacant. It’s still just a light with a goddamn nshadow in it. A shadow I cast because none of you.; NOT ONE OF YOU had the guts to take the world by the balls and be who you needed to be. And that is pathetic…”
“Some came closer than others. Like Evie Jordan, and my partner Andrea Hernandez.…”
Alicia slowly paces back and forth, her eyebrow raising as she takes a long,drawn out breath.
”See, Andrea came in and was able to beat Cristina for the title. She was able to do what many said she was destined to do. And I applauded her for it. See, it was rather interesting to me, hearing all the talk of Andrea when she exploded onto the Sin City Wrestling landscape.She was the next big thing, the shiny new toy. Hell we heard it from fans, other wrestlers, commentators and management. Not since Alicia Lukas had they seen someone come in as hot.”
“And I took notice Andrea.”
“I could see the talent, I could see the drive. I could see the attitude. You had the chance to go far and you still do. You have it in you to win back the title and maybe have a better run. I mean, many people would point out that I too lost my championship soon after winning it. But, the difference between us Andrea?. You were beaten by a better woman. I was screwed by an angry fake bitch who wanted to hand a title to her wife.”
“You had a chance to end the cycle that had started with Roxi. You had a chance to be a longer reigning champion and bring prestige back to a championship that had fallen from favor. But, you didn’t. Now, I’ll be completely honest here and agree that you are a talent, and deep down I know, I will do my part in this match and you’ll do yours. I trust you, I have faith in you and I hope you realise that I want to win, I am a competitor and I will have your back..from bell to bell…”
She took in a sharp inhaling breath and let it out slowly.
”But then there’s our opponents. Two legends in SCW. Two women who have climbed to the mountaintop. One of which, well, she booked the match. And the other? The woman who took the SCW bombshells title from me. Now, there’s no hiding that Roxi Johnson and myself have a strained relationship, she doesn't like my attitude, I don’t like hers. But the thing is, we don’t have to. There is nothing, nothing in this business that says you have to like everyone, or that you have to like someone to respect their in ring ability. And trust me, I do. I do respect what Roxi can do, I do respect how good she can be when she steps inside a ring, whether it’s four sides or six sides.”
“You don’t win world titles by accident. You don’t earn your way up to championship matches by dumb luck. And Roxi has done it. She’s earned shots, she’s earned titles, she’s earned respect.”
“But, the question many people are asking always pops up. Is Roxi Johnson past her wrestling prime?. And wrestling prime isn’t age. It’s how you can feel and recover, how you relate to the business. Now, if someone asked me if you still had it in you, I’d say yes. But I can also see why people might question it Roxi. You accepted an offer from me to come back to SCW, to have a title match against me. Before that we had never had a problem, we had positive interaction, in person, on social media. No issues. I wanted to test myself against you and I was honored when you accepted my challenge. Until you opened your mouth.”
“The respect evaporated. You suddenly had an issue with the things I had said, the things I had done. Things like, keeping the title at the level Dani Weston had set and indeed pushing it further. Expecting more from people like Kate, Christina and women challenging for the title like Slaena and Brit Williams. And of course, showing respect to the women who build SCW like you and Amy Marshall. That Roxi is what you took issue with and then after I beat you?....”
“Shit…”
Alicia scoffs and throws her arms in the air.
”I beat you in the middle of that goddamn ring, I gave you a title shot, I respected you and I did nothing but remind the world of how good you were. And, I got zero respect. I didn’t get anything. You call yourself a hero, you want to put forward this wonderful vision of you and Keira that you’re a loving couple who should be respected But neither of you want to earn it. Keira has come in and talked a big game while failing at every turn while you...well...you are a million times worse…”
“You looked at a younger, dominant champion and I was holding the title hostage, that I was making the division boring and stagnant. The entire division wanted that title even more than normal, the entire wrestling world was taking notice of the SCVW bombshells and the champion who was running through the division, it caused challengers to come up and come after me, it caused legends to return and all you did...ALL YOU DID...was shit on it…”
“You can make your excuses, you can call me out for things I’ve done, but atleast I didn’t win a title off a dominant champion, talk mad shit, lose that title and then beg your way into a rematch…”
“You are an incredible athlete Roxi, with an amazing mind for the business and a heart that few people can match. But as a human being...you’re a bitch…”
She snarled, her eyes darted from side to side and she tried to keep her composure.
”But, BUT, you’re still better than your tag team partner. See while Roxi is a bitch she doesn’t hide her feelings about people. She changed her mind about me based on a few things sure, but she has stayed consistent in her comments about me and what she does and a doesn’t like. Much like I have with her. But Christina Rose, she’s a different story. Christina flip flops who she does and doesn’t like weekly, daily, hourly. She changed her opinions on a whim and everyone, EVERYONE just scratches their head wondering if she’s acting crazy, or is crazy.”
“We have name changes, persona changes, time travel, confusion and lies.”
“And this match, this whole card, is one booked by this incredibly mentally unstable woman. Now, you did win Queen for a day Christina, you did. And I could stand here and revisit your names and history in complete detail but then I’d need the guidebook to go with it so instead I’ll point out a few other things. Three short weeks ago, before the queen for a day match, you were going on about how you were going to book me in a bombshells title when you won, and you did. And that match never happened. And trust me, I didn’t care, I didn’t want the title match, I didn’t need it handed to me like you seem to think EVERYTHING should be for you…”
“But, every few weeks you would pop up, trying to get my attention so we could be ”friends” kissing my ass publicly only to be talking shit everywhere else in hopes I wouldn’t notice. And you wonder why I have never trusted you, liked you or respected you Christina?.I mean, most of what I said about Roxi should be applicable to you. I should be able to sit here and sing your praises and show you respect...but I can’t bring myself to.”
She shrugs and clears her throat.
”You flip your script to suit you. You respect Roxi now right? You’re happy to be her partner? Yet during the matches where you were fighting over the title it was all completely different. Sure, you respect Andrea for taking the title from you and Roxi in that triple threat match, doesn’t stop you from talking shit now does it?.”
“You’re a hypocrite.”
“And whats worse is you think you’re some amazing starlet worthy of applause, love, respect and adulation when you’re nothing but a fake ass, confused, scared little girl with the entire wrestling world laughing at her. You even showed your stupidity with this card. A fourway for the roulette title and another for the same prize we have but a tag match for us?. Putting yourself on a team with Roxi instead of making it a fourway?. Putting our two world champions in a tag team match against Kate and Teddy to open the show? Not booking any other members of wolfslair?, No Vinnie or Jack Washington? Two of the hottest talents in SCW? The disrespect you have shown them is disgusting. But hey...it’s not you right? It’s never you...I feel bad for Roxi….she has a chance to show she is still as amazing as she thinks she is...but instead...she’s going to have you chained to her leg...dragging her down…”
