Post-Blaze of Glory
The feeling of that moment when I became a world champion for the first time was so surreal to describe. Everything felt like a still moment in time when I was handed the championship. I kept my composure for the most part while I soaked in the incredible reaction from the fans who had been there for me… some from the day I emerged in SCW… some from day one. I was nothing but smiles and happiness when the cameras were rolling and when I walked through the curtains. But once I had a moment to myself in the locker room?
The emotion all came out.
I was clutching that Bombshells World Championship in the locker room with nothing but tears of joy streaming down my face. I took a quick glance at my phone for a short time and saw so many congratulatory text messages from Chelsea, from my parents, my brother, and everyone that had ever been behind me. I hadn’t even gotten to reading them yet. All I cared about in the moment was what was happening right now.
“It was worth it…” I told myself through the tears of joy. “...every ounce of pain… every ounce of shame… every ounce of adversity…”
I quickly reflected on all of it, from my father being so hard on me during training deliberately trying to get me to quit, to my Indy struggles and being unnoticed for so long by mainstream companies. From being abused by my own mentor and dealing with the horrors of UWA, to struggling in GCW initially while becoming a singles wrestler and leaving the company to join OCW. From being a complete opposite of what OCW’s culture entailed and dealing with the heartbreaking ladder match loss in that world title match that I had, to the humiliating loss to Alicia Lukas in SCW and the frustrations from the Blast from the Past tournament.
Every single one of those moments… as of now?
I wasn’t ashamed of them anymore.
“...it all made me what I am now…” I reflected, knowing that I had nothing to ever be ashamed of or embarrassed of again, no matter how cruel or how harsh the moments I went through seemed to be at the time.
“After 112 years… someone in the family is finally a world champion in America…” I said this with an exasperated disbelief. “...and it’s me. Of all the people in my family it could’ve been… it’s me! As hard as it is to believe for some… I know I deserve this. My dream has finally come true… and there’s no way in hell I am letting go of this night anytime soon!”
For the rest of the night, it was just me and this moment. I wouldn’t respond to any communication from others until the next morning. That night, everything in my career had just flashed before my very eyes. Once it sunk in, once I came to terms with the reality of it, the joy was like nothing I had ever experienced.
Yet, there was no grand celebration. There was no parade down the main street of downtown Sedona, Arizona. There was no need for anything of that nature because that’s not what my family’s values in this business were ever founded on. Everyone around me knew that, which is why Climax Control last week was the only instance of any sort of celebration regarding Blaze of Glory.
That night though… I knew the celebrations and the good feelings were over…
April 26, 2020
Chelsea LeClair and I were hanging out in my hotel room just moments before I was to go to bed at this point. The world championship was sitting in front of the lamp while my lifelong friend and I were talking about Blaze of Glory.
“I cried too…” Chelsea had told me. “...it was incredible to see you finally slay your demons. It really was.”
“Everything about it was unbelievable…” I told Chelsea. “I completed an odyssey not just of my own, but of the family lineage that dates back 112 years. Being in that ring with someone I idolized, beating someone that I’ve had increasing disdain for…”
“Yeah… I don’t like Crystal ‘Women of 10000 Identities’ Hilton either…” Chelsea said, pursing her lips afterward. This caused me to chuckle a bit but before I got to finish my thought, my cell phone rang. I saw it was SCW’s offices so I signaled to Chelsea to wait for me while I answered the phone.
“Hello?” I said as I answered the phone. “I’m fine. Of course I’m ready for that first defense. Evie Jordan isn’t going to be easy, but hey, I know that at Into the Void, I’ll be determined as ever to successfully defend against her.”
There was a bit of a pause when I heard some rather… interesting news… news that brought me some very mixed feelings.
“Regardless… that doesn’t change my determination” I told the person on the other line. “Thank you… you have a good night yourself.”
The call had ended and Chelsea’s curiosity was piqued.
“So much for Evie Jordan…” I said. “They’ve got me defending the title next week.”
“What?” Chelsea said. “Well then. It’s Roxi, right? Has to be Roxi! It’d make sense. She was impressive tonight in a massively huge victory, dampening Alicia’s return and all.”
“It’s not Roxi…” I said. “It’s Christina.”
“UGH!!!!!!!!! WHY?” Chelsea said, sounding extremely upset about it. “WHY the hell do they keep giving HER so many fucking chances? What the FUCK makes her so special? I’m sorry, no disrespect, but beating Keira Fisher doesn’t vault her to the front of the line for a title shot. SERIOUSLY? That fraud has more lives than a cat. Why doesn’t she just fuck off already?”
“I’m not going to worry about it…” I said with poise and confidence. “I’ve proven I can beat her, but I’m not going to look past her. What I’m going to focus on is ending this thing between her and I once and for all. They want to give her this shot? Fine! Bring it on. But ultimately? I know in my heart of hearts that I’m going to beat her again and finish this my way.”
Chelsea sighed, and honestly, I could sympathize with her annoyance. But at this moment, all I could do was be a professional about it.
“The honeymoon’s over, Chels…” I said. “The journey doesn’t end just because I won the world title. The hard work is only beginning.”
Chelsea nods with understanding.
“Be strong, okay? I’m going to let you get some rest… because I know that in the morning, you’re going to be in work mode.”
Chelsea and I exchanged a hug.
“Thank you!”
Chelsea left and I grabbed the championship, clutching it as I held it close to the vest. I closed my eyes and reflected on Blaze of Glory some more… as well as my entire life’s journey.
“I can only imagine…” I thought to myself. “...considering everything I know about my family… how would those that have moved on from this life would feel if they were alive today. Also… how did this happen? How is it that I went from bottom of the barrel to being on top of the world? Three years ago, I was written off as absolutely nothing. Now? I’m a world champion! The haters can NEVER take that away from me… even if… GOD FORBID… Christina was to take this title from me next week…”
I kept my eyes closed, reflecting some more… not realizing that shortly after the thought had crossed my mind, that I had fallen into a deep sleep…
My eyes suddenly burst open by the raucous cheering of a wrestling audience and I wasn’t in my bed anymore. I was sitting down and there was a wrestling match in front of me. Everything looked extremely dated. I looked around and there weren’t any video cameras. There wasn’t an announce table. The lights were dim and I wasn’t sitting on a plastic seat or a metal bleacher. I was sitting on concrete steps inside of a small stadium. I was confused by my surroundings as the match went on in the ring.
“GIANCARLO! GIANCARLO!” was the chant in the audience.
“Where am I?” I asked myself. I tugged at the sleeve of a fan next to me. He looked at me sort of funny.
“Excuse me?” I asked the fan. “What’s going on?”
“No hablo inglés” he said.
“Where am I?” I asked him in Spanish. He seemed to laugh at this, as if I was crazy.
“Cuidad de Mexico” he said, before he asked me in Spanish if I was on drugs. Back in the ring, I watched the end of the match. I saw a familiar face that caused my eyes to widen in shock.
“What…” I thought to myself. “...is that… my great-great grandfather?”
I was watching the patriarch of my family piledrive his opponent and ultimately get the three count while the entire crowd rose to their feet.
“The winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion…” the ring announcer said in Spanish… “GIANCARLO HERNANDEZ!!!!”
I saw my great-great grandfather get handed his newly won title before he left the ring. I bolted from my seat and found the nearest hallway that I could find. This bizarre trip to dreamland that was taking me back to about 1911 was something else already, but when I got out of the crowd and into the concourse, I found myself in a hallway that consisted of four doors. The dream I was having had shifted and the location I was in didn’t look like 1911 anymore.
“Okay, what the hell is going on?” I asked myself as I looked around at the four doors.
“Congratulations, Andrea…” I heard a male voice say to me in English. I turned to see Giancarlo Hernandez, my great-great grandfather… the patriarch of what would become the Hernandez wrestling dynasty down in Mexico. He had a world championship of his own.
“I didn’t know you spoke English…” I said… which drew a laugh from him.
“Is that the only thing you’re surprised by?” he asked me, even if his English had a very definitive accent.
“I’m surprised you’d even congratulate me considering the sexism that runs in my family.”
My great-great grandfather sighs and shakes his head, almost ashamed of what I just mentioned.
“My son never knew how to treat a woman…” he lamented. “Then his son was the same way… then his son… your father… the same. You’re very fortunate that you had such a strong woman for a mother. Did anyone ever tell you that you’re the first person in our family to be ANY type of world champion since… well…”
“You?” I asked him. “It’s incredible but I don’t understand. Why was there such a long gap between world championships when it came to our family? Why was it that for generations, my father, his father, and so forth… they went by EVERYTHING you did and EVERYTHING that you pioneered… and yet, none of them were ever world champions?”
“The difference between you and them? You stuck to the principles of what our family is REALLY supposed to be about. Everyone between you and I… they never fully understood what it was like to be a Hernandez… to be a wrestler… to be a champion. Every answer you seek is through each of these doors. You’re going to learn what our family is really about… and why you became the champion you became. Walk through those doors and experience a moment that built you into a champion…”
“What is this? A greatest hits collection? I look forward to reliving some of my greatest moments…”
“Have fun…” my great-great grandfather had said. “...but expect the unexpected…”
I smiled as I walked through the first door, expecting something truly glorious…
October 2017
When I walked into a door, I stumbled and fell on the floor into a locker room and I heard laughter surrounding me. I stood up and I saw some very familiar faces from my past… faces that I didn’t like. I remember the pixie looking short girl that had beaten me in a match just the night before, I remember the bikini model that was being given the keys to the kingdom, I remembered the stuck up rich girl that didn’t think any of me… all three of them were laughing at me.
“Hey Andrea…” the stuck up rich girl told me with mocking laughter. “...we found you a ride.”
The three women laughed at me as I looked to see a crate that said “Ship Back to Mexico”. Right away, I knew that this wasn’t a happy memory at all.
“It’s good to know that I’m running your ass out of UWA, Andrea…” the pixie looking short girl said with a laugh.
“Give her a break, Grace…” the bikini model wrestler told her. “...she’s finally realizing that she just isn’t cut out for this business. I guess you really were a fake all along Andrea. All of this trash talk and you QUIT UWA?”
I was really confused by what was going on as the critics in front of me continued with their bullying.
“You’ll NEVER be a draw, Andrea…” the rich girl told me. “NEVER! You’re always going to be a fourth rate, low-tier, useless waste of a career while Payton here is going to be the future of wrestling for a LONG time to come. You’ll NEVER be her… hell… you’ll never be ANYTHING! All you’re going to be to us? Is a QUITTER!”
“What’s the matter? Can’t handle it anymore?” the bikini model known as Payton asked me. “Figures.”
“You’re a coward and you always were a coward, Andrea…” Grace told me. “All the shit you talked and not only did I beat your ass… you’re running away! COWARD! You’re the worst wrestler the UWA cruiserweight division has ever seen.”
Tears began to fill my eyes as I didn’t know how to respond. I was reliving the day I had quit UWA every step of the way.
“Oh look Christy, she’s going to cry now” Payton told the rich girl.
“”I guess she just realized we’re right, she’s wrong and she’ll never amount to anything” Christy said.
I was already shuddering inside when all three women were chanting “QUITTER! QUITTER! QUITTER!” at me. I was reliving that guilt, that shame, that embarrassment all over again. Quitting UWA was already hard enough… but leaving the company feeling like I was a total failure didn’t help.
“I… I… I… well…” I was trying to stand up to them, but it was no use. “...I’m gonna… pr… pr…”
“Pr… pr… pr… are you gonna get that sentence out sometime this week?” Grace mocked with a laugh.
“I HATE YOU ALL!!!!” I screamed at the trio. They all laughed at me, with Grace in particular singing “IT’S SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO YESTERDAY” in a mocking tone. Embarrassed, and feeling like both a quitter and a failure, with tears streaming down my face, I burst through the door, leaving UWA behind and finding myself back in the hallway with Giancarlo.
“What the hell was that?” I asked him. “I thought you said that I was going to experience a moment in my career that built me into a champion.”
“I did…” my great-great grandfather had said.
“Quitting UWA was one of the most embarrassing moments of my whole career… hell, everything I went through there was. I know that I wouldn’t have become a champion without going through that adversity, but what gives? How is reliving being called a quitter and a failure give me any answers?”
“It’s a lesson in bravery…” Giancarlo said.
“How, when those bitches were calling me a coward, making me feel like I was doing the wrong thing by quitting UWA. How does quitting UWA make ME brave? My father gave me so much hell for it and said that I disgraced the family by leaving.”
“See, this is exactly why you ‘get it’ and everyone between us never fully did. Sometimes in life, you have to know when you’re not a fit for something and you have to know when to move on for your own benefit. Everyone between us? They were in the same situation you were in. You know what they did? They stuck around in some terrible situations… and their careers never met their potential because of it. Sometimes, you have to be brave enough to leave something behind to focus on, or move onto, something better. You did the same thing when you went from GCW to OCW, right?”
I nodded in agreement.
“...and you did the same thing when you went from OCW to SCW also. What you did… when you left that place… was keep yourself to GCW… to focus on being better as a singles wrestler there. You were brave enough to defy the expectations people had of you because deep down in your heart, you knew you deserved better and you were brave enough to take a leap of faith because of it. Over time, that bravery only grew with your confidence. You’ve refused to run away… even during your worst of times. When you won at Blaze of Glory… you weren’t afraid of having the potential reputation of being ‘that wrestler that never won the big one’, did you?”
“I wasn’t. I was facing incredibly long odds, but I wasn’t afraid of any of them. I faced my fears… every company along the way. GCW: I overcame my fear of being overshadowed and forgotten about. OCW: I overcame my fear of moving on to new things and taking on something unlike myself. SCW: I was brave enough to tackle some of the best competition in the world when I could have easily gone to a lesser company and taken the easier road to a world championship. Even the old, unconfident, younger self who endured so much hell… she was brave enough to keep going even through the worst of times.”
“That’s one of the things that our family’s legacy is built on…” Giancarlo told me. “Go ahead. Step through another door.”
I took a deep breath, clearly not knowing what was going to happen especially since I was expecting a moment of glory only to get one of my less happier moments. I went into the door across from the one that I had already entered and when I entered it… I immediately felt an incredible rush of anger.
December 2018
“I’VE HAD IT!” I screamed with massive anger as I watched the main event of OCW’s Death March event. There was a garbage can full of weapons that was very tempting to just pick up and start using. Clarissa Vega, another one of my best friends, is taken aback by my sudden burst of anger.
“Andrea…” Clarissa told me. “I understand what happened to you earlier tonight… when Team Mack blindsided your entire team and eliminated you all in short order was completely embarrassing…”
“You don’t understand SHIT!” I screamed at my former manager. “It’s not just THIS… okay? It’s every bit of fucking disrespect that OCW has shown me since the day I got here about four months ago. Mack O’Connor fucking robbed me of the Paradigm Championship with his cheating bullshit a couple of months ago, remember? I should be in that match… not his fucking bullshit! And this so called ‘TEAM’ that I was on? Team OGDA… not Team ANDREA as it should have been… Team OGDA… what a JOKE! OGDA doesn’t have what it takes to be a leader… or to be a wrestler worth a crap and they choose HIM over ME? He’s a JOKE! He’s only Craze Champion because he caught the old champion on an off night.”
“Andrea… I’m going to need you to calm down…” Clarissa told me, clearly showing concern for me.
“I see how things are in OCW.” I told her. “It’s not about wrestling for dignity, honor and respect. It’s about who’s the most underhanded and who fits in with this horrible macho culture the most. I’m going to take these weapons that are right in front of me and I’m going to fucking ruin that stupid main event out there! I guess if I HAVE to be an underhanded cheat and have to do whatever it takes to fit in around here… then I WILL!”
“This is not a good idea…”
“While I’m at it, maybe I should wear more revealing outfits and have a flirty attitude… all while showing off my ass and hey… let’s add sleeping with half the locker room to get ahead on top of that also!”
Clarissa’s eyes widen in shock.
“Why would you even THINK about doing that?”
“Because it’s as clear as fucking day that what I was brought up on in this business and who I am as a person isn’t fucking good enough to amount to ANYTHING in OCW and it never will be!” I told her. “Maybe all of the sexist bastards that are here are right. Maybe I should just start stripping and be a bikini model to sell tickets for this place and to get greater ‘props’ from management…”
“That’s not who you are, Andrea…” Clarissa reminded me. “Think this through. I don’t want to lose you. If you sell out now, you’re going to regret it for years to come. PLEASE don’t stoop to their level. If you go out there and ruin the main event… you’re going to be no different and no better than them. Trust who you are. Don’t let anyone or anything tell you to be anything different.”
Clarissa had some tears of her own in her eyes and seeing her get heartbroken over the way I was acting and how I was tempted to give up, quit, and sell myself down the river just for better treatment from the company woke me up and caused me to snap out of my anger. I sighed with regret and kicked over the can of weapons, having decided that I wasn’t going to be just like the OCW mainstays.
“You’re right…” I said with a sullen sigh. “I’m NOT going to be just like them. I REFUSE to be just like them. I need to keep trusting myself. I know that culture wise, I may not fit in with their crap. But I also know, based on what I’ve overcome so far, that I’m too good a wrestler to succumb to this and that sooner or later I am going to show them that I can overcome their culture to be the best that I can possibly be in this company! I either overcome their culture and defy their expectations… or I fall short trying… either way? It’s a win-win situation for me!”
“Good! Never forget that” Clarissa said. “Now, let’s get out of here and see if there’s a 24/7 diner nearby…”
Clarissa and I walked through the door and next thing I know, I’m back in the “Hallway of Truth” with my great-great grandfather.
“Well…” I told him when I came through the door. “That WAS interesting. Almost losing myself like that was definitely not one of my proudest moments…”
“But it DID build you into a world champion” Giancarlo reminded me.
“You’re right. I used to hate everything about OCW, but I realize I wouldn’t have won my world title without going through the ringer that I did. I didn’t sell out… and ultimately… in the end? I came out the winner. It was shortly after that really frustrating experience that I started to go on a massive tear there. I stuck to my guns and suddenly, I’m Craze Champion… suddenly, I’m beating Hall of Fame members left and right… suddenly, I’m right on the verge of breaking through into main event status… and I did it all by being ME. I could’ve sold out… I could’ve become the same bikini model wrestler that I despised just to get noticed by OCW more, I could’ve become just like 90 percent of their locker room…”
“But you didn’t…” my great-great grandfather said. “...everyone between us in our family… even your father… they all did something to sell out. They lost faith in their abilities. You don’t know some of the things that have been done by members of our family to try and get ahead… only to fail…”
“My idiot brother committed armed robbery to try and buy his way into the mainstream…” I told Giancarlo. “My father told me a story about how he had to backstab his own brother to get a head booker’s job in the company he wrestled for at the time. My grandfather packed up everything and sold out Mexico for the United States…”
“Yes… it was very upsetting when he did that… but you on the other hand? You never took on another persona. You never became something that you weren’t. You trusted yourself, every step of the way. That’s why you’re going to be a generational champion in the years to come. Staying true to yourself is how you became the champion that you are. Had you sold out down in OCW, you’d never be a world champion.”
“I absolutely agree with that. It’s a shame that you and I are the only ones in our family that ever got that when it came to professional wrestling. I’m honestly a bit sad that my family’s history had seemingly cratered for decades… at least before I came along. God, why did so many people in this family have to be a bunch of assholes?”
“Maybe the next door will show you…”
“Right…” I said with a smirk on my face as I walked to the door that was next to door #1. I confidently grabbed the doorknob and opened the door, walking through it.
November 2019
When I walked through the door, I found myself in the living room of my parents’ home. I was definitely sore and in some pain, but that was the least of my worries. I was incredibly glum and saddened, even embarrassed. I dropped off everything I brought by the couch and inside, I felt like I had just eaten a whole bunch of crow.
“You came back from Tucson real quick…” I heard the voice of my mother say as she walks over to sit down on the couch with me.
“Yeah… because I wasn’t just humiliated and embarrassed in my own home state…” I told her.
“Aw… sweetheart…” my mother sighed with sympathy. “There’s no shame in losing to someone that’s on top of their game.”
I winced with disgust. Even if it was true that Alicia Lukas was on top of the world, tapping out to her in my own home state was one of the most bitter pills I’ve had to swallow in a while.
“I’m so sorry…” I told my mother.
“No, you don’t have to apologize for that match”, my mother said in response.
“I’m not apologizing for the match” I told my mother. “I’m apologizing for the way I acted.”
“What do you mean?” my mother responded in confusion.
“Dad hasn’t told you about how I bolted out of here while saying I didn’t want anyone in the family to go down to Tucson to support me?” My mother’s eyes widened as she suddenly remembered this.
“I was such a jerk…” I admitted to my mother. “I dismissed our family. I dismissed the history that we have. I had told my father that I wasn’t going to do things the family way anymore because I didn’t need to do things by that nature and all that led to was me being humiliated yesterday. I made a mistake. You should’ve all came after all. There I was, riding high… feeling confident… acting like I had things all figured out because I had beaten a hall of fame member, a hotshot rookie with potential and a challenger to the Roulette Championship… and then I got a really bad kick in the ass…”
“Doesn’t feel good when you’re on the other side, does it?” my mother asked me. “For your own good, I am going to be up front and honest with you. You had that coming. Not to mention the fact that you haven’t been a gracious loser about it at all.”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you congratulate Alicia after she won?”
I shook my head.
“No, all I said was ‘just a delay of the inevitable’.”
“I raised you better than that, sweetheart” my mother reminded me. “I’m not saying that to shame you, but you’ve never really been the kind of person that treats unfavorable situations the greatest. I’m not talking about how you’ve been treated throughout your career, I’m talking about when things don’t go your way. You don’t need to be so stubborn and arrogant, Andrea.”
“That’s what I was? Stubborn and arrogant?”
“You might want to think back to how you were acting prior to yesterday and some of the things you were saying and you’ll understand exactly what I mean.”
My mother walked out of the living room at this point and I was left to my own devices. As most folks know… this stubbornness and arrogance wasn’t something that just faded away overnight. It took a few more pitfalls and learning experiences for me to finally get it. I walked through the front door, but I wasn’t finding myself in the Hallway of Truth just yet…
April 12, 2020
“What are you doing here, Andrea?” a surprised Chelsea LeClair told me. “I thought you’d be at the arena by now preparing for your match.”
“I… well… there’s something I need to say…”
“Do tell,” Chelsea said in response.
“I’ve had a roller coaster ride here in SCW…” I told her. “I think that goes without saying. When I had my first loss there… I reacted very poorly to it. When I lost in the chamber and finished 4th… I reacted poorly to it. I should have treated both matches as a privilege and I should have been humble about it. Instead of seeing the opportunity, I just dismissed it because things weren’t going my way. Instead of being grateful for the Blast from the Past opportunity, I was blaming Bill Barnhart and acting as if there was nothing wrong with me… that everything was his fault when I should have been more open minded. I’ve reacted pretty poorly to Christina’s opportunity and subsequent title win over Roxi too…”
“Yeah… I think all of that goes without saying…” Chelsea said.
“I’ve even treated you like a sidekick… like you’re beneath me. And… that’s not the way a friendship is supposed to work.” I paused and sighed. “I’m worried Chels… that if it doesn’t happen tonight…”
“That it never will?”
“No… that I may lose myself. That my stubborn pride will consume me. Yet, I know in my heart that if I DON’T win tonight… while it stings… it’s going to be okay. Because as a wrestler? I know who I am and I know my time is coming. I wrestle with the best women’s roster in the world, one of only twenty five or so that get to have that privilege. I’ve let success get to my head before… and I promise you that if I lose tonight… I won’t let it happen again. I’ll even congratulate the winner, grow, and just accept what happens. I’m going to start being better about things from now on… I promise.”
“So… this means no more complaining about things that don’t go your way and you’re done acting as if you know everything?”
“On all counts, that’s exactly what this means” I said with a smile and a laugh. “I wasn’t even supposed to get my foot in the door… yet… I’m on the best women’s roster in the world, wrestling in main events and competing for world titles? I’m a lucky woman. I really am living a dream right now… world championship or not. I’m never losing that perspective again… and I’m going to be as humble as I can be about the fact that I’m privileged and lucky to even be doing anything of what I am doing right now.”
“Good luck girl!” Chelsea said to me as we exchanged a hug. “Go and get that world championship!”
I walked to the door, grabbing the doorknob and turning it.
“Oh and Andi…” Chelsea said to me, causing me to turn back and look at her. “I think this time is going to be the time.”
“What makes you say that?” I asked.
“Because you get it…” Chelsea said with a smile. “Finally!”
I rolled my eyes and chuckled in a playful manner.
“Thank you!” I told her as I grabbed the doorknob, pulled the door open and walked right through it… finding my great-great grandfather again inside of the “Hallway of Truth”.
“Does it all make sense now?” he asked me.
“I was struggling to win that coveted world championship that I had been wanting to have because I was getting in my own way…” I told him. “That’s not to take credit away from the opponents that had beaten me. In fact, they get all the credit in the world for taking advantage of a situation that was in their own favor. Every time I tried to get to the next level and failed… it was because I put so much pride on the line. I had the wrong perspective. I was always aiming to prove someone wrong or to be better than someone or to get revenge… and I was just being stupid. Go figure… the one time I go into a world title match where I didn’t deny my past and decided to own it and every shortcoming that I ever had to go through in my career… I actually go out and win a world championship. I humbled myself…”
“This is something that many in our family always failed to do…” my great-great grandfather said. “It did take your father a long time to ever come around on the idea of you, or any woman in the family, being a professional wrestler. It almost ended a family legacy because of it. Everyone between us wanted to do things their way instead of doing it the way I did it: being brave, staying true to yourself, and being humble that you have the opportunity in front of you. Being a professional wrestler is a privilege… not a birthright. To a greater extent… so is being a world champion. Don’t forget that. Stay humble. Stay true to yourself. Stay brave. You’ll realize in due time what your true destiny in this business really is… and I promise you… it’s going to be a great destiny.”
Giancarlo walked to the one door that I hadn’t walked through yet and I realized that was his door to walk through. The door opened and out walked a woman that looked familiar to me… that… in fact, looked just like me.
“WOW! I forgot how young I was when I became a world champion for the first time….”
“What? Oh… you’re…”
“I’m you… in 2030. Oh the stories you get to tell once you get there… the stories you get to live in your wrestling career… this first world title is just the beginning!”
“The beginning of what? Can you tell me one of those stories?”
“Fine! I’ll tell you! One of the best stories you’ll ever live through happens in 2024 when…”
This conversation would be interrupted by this sudden bright flash of light and the sound of the alarm on my cell phone ringing very loudly. My eyes are blinded by the flashing light and when I open them again, I’m lying on the bed of my hotel…
April 27, 2020
I’m a bit blindsided by everything that I had just dreamt for a brief moment before I quickly grab my phone and disable the alarm. I put my phone down and sit up on my bed, soaking in every moment of the dream that I had just awakened from. I looked at the title that was innocently sitting by me on the bed and I picked it up and placed it on my lap.
“Whoa… what a trip…” I said. I was astonished by the fact that I got to meet the very patriarch of my family during that dream but it was the lessons that I took out of it that really hit home the closest. “I’m not just talking about that dream either…”
I looked at the championship on my lap and saw my reflection on it and I could only smile with pride as I reflected on every step of the way that I took on this journey to even be a world champion in the first place.
“It really has been some kind of ride…” I said. “Even though things were pretty damn scary at various points in my career… when it seemed like I was going to be a flameout… when it seemed like I was going to prove all of the critics right… I was brave enough to keep going against all odds. Even when it was tempting to sell myself down the river and take the easy way out, I kept going on the road less traveled and stayed true to who I am. And lastly, I embraced my past. I accepted it for what it is and put my ego aside. Instead of dismissing it, I embraced it… and it brought this to me. I already know that with everything I learned from that dream… that’s how I’m going to stay a champion and be a top contender here for many years to come…”
Later that morning…
I met Chelsea inside of a gym that was in the hotel, my first title defense against Christina Rose beginning to loom in my mind.
“I had a feeling you’d show up here…” Chelsea told me.
“Yeah…” I responded.
“The journey never ends… you said it yourself…”
“Exactly…” I said with a smile. “Let’s get to work…”
I began the morning workout at that point, preparing myself as hard as I could for the title defense to come… the next obstacle in the road. At this point, I was more determined than before to meet Evie Jordan at Into the Void and to put Christina Rose behind me… at least for the foreseeable future. I know as the week went along that my journey was really only just beginning…
May 1, 2020
I sat inside of a studio, with the background being of a luxurious living room that would probably represent what a mansion would look like if it was actually real and not just a background for effect when it comes to shooting the promo that I’m about to film in the hotel room. I walked into the shot and I was wearing quite the exaggerated glitz and glamour: the fur coat, the sunglasses, the sparking black dress, the matching sparkling heels, the expertly done year. I looked like a mega star that Hollywood would enjoy even if I wasn’t FEELING like a mega star… considering that I was dressed like this to make a point more than anything. I sat on a throne and gave an arrogant (albeit a fake arrogant) scoff, pretending as if I was the queen of the world, just to stretch the parody a little bit more.
“So, I guess this is what the champion life is like, right? I get to have the fancy clothes, the glitz and glamour, the big mansions, the big celebrations, the arrogant attitude, and I get to act like I’m the shit because I’m on top of the world right? Oh and by the way, I should point out that this video presentation is sponsored by “We Don’t Exist”... because sponsorships and getting money on the side from Corporate America will NEVER be me. Yeah, I AM making a point here. That point is that when a wrestler becomes a world champion for the first time, they let this get to their heads. They act as if what brought them to the dance doesn’t matter anymore and that they could do whatever they want. They act that just because they’re the world champion that the rules don’t apply to them and that they can half ass, they can get fat off of their success, they can fuck off, that they can act as if they’re untouchable. They act as if the world should be waiting on them hand and foot, am I right, Christy? Yeah, this has SO much to do with you. You know you’ve had this attitude before and that’s the point for this exaggerated get up as I once again have to face you… this time with the World Championship on the line. Let me ask you this… are you surprised that I’ve kept to myself? Are you shocked that I haven’t come out and complained about what’s going on this week?
I’m keeping it real here… I’m NOT thrilled that yet AGAIN you’re being handed a world title opportunity. The powers that be feel that beating Keira Fisher makes you worthy of having a rematch and I’m not going to knock that. Even if it’s something that I DON’T agree with… I mean… Roxi’s win last week was more impressive for my money, it’s something that as a world champion, I am going to respect because I’ve never been the type of person that runs away from a challenge no matter WHO it is. Do I need to remind you again that I’m NOT you? I think all the times that you’ve ever stated that I remind you of you when you were my age and coming up in this business are starting to be more of an insult than anything and no, this title that I have doesn’t have anything to do with that… it’s the fact that… well… I’m NOT you! When you were younger, you were known for taking the coward’s way out. As a wrestling fan at the time, I could never forget that. You sold out. You decided at some point in your young career at that time that you were going to be more of a BRAND and less of a WRESTLER. You decided to wear the masks. You decided to play the part of something you’re not. You were the one that sold her soul down the river for all the fortune and fame that you can handle.
Not me…
The scary thing is? I could have been another Crystal Hilton. There have been MANY times since I’ve been here, when I could have said “fuck it” and done everything EXACTLY how you did. I could have said “fuck it all” after my Alicia Lukas experiences… I didn’t. I could’ve said “fuck it all… I’m going to destroy the world and be the bad guy” after Blast from the Past. I didn’t. I could have denied every single thing about my past and brushed it off as irrelevant, I could have chosen to ran away from it… I didn’t. I admit that it took me until three weeks ago to finally embrace it and run WITH IT instead of AWAY from it and that I was focused on overcoming it more than I was embracing it… but I NEVER ran away from it… because… once more with feeling Christina… I’M… NOT…. YOU! THE biggest reason why I beat you at Blaze of Glory and became a world champion at YOUR expense is because I did the one thing that I refused to do for months and that you still refuse to do today and that’s embrace my past and every part of me, good or bad, every part of my career… good or bad… while YOU continued to run away from it.”
I paused and chucked away the sunglasses, maintaining my anger and determination.
“I saw what you said on the show last week… your entire ‘woe is me’ promo… which… I’m sorry, I found it both pathetic and disingenuous. Yeah, you admitted some of your own faults trying to act like you’re the star of your own little woe is me soap opera and all of that shit. I mean… I have to give credit where credit is due… FINALLY you admit your entire facade. What you admitted… you know… about feeling like being a four time world champion and a hall of fame member isn’t enough… that says all there is to know about you, Christina. The fact that you are never, ever satisfied with anything means that you do NOT have the ability to look within your heart and accept yourself and that is your biggest weakness of all and I know this weakness because for so long, I had that very same weakness. You do what you do because inside, for some reason, you hate yourself. You don’t accept the real you for who you are because you’re afraid of that person. You chose to lock her away for years and become “Crystal Hilton” after all. You were the one that instead of choosing to rely on your prodigious talents that your father passed down to you, you decided to PLAY THE ROLE right? Crystal Zdunich? Christina Rose? Christina Lopez? Crystal Hilton? Crystal Millar? HOW many different names have you wrestled under in your career? Somehow, to this DAY, you fail to realize that for ALL of the success that you have had in your career with X amount of world championships in X amount of wrestling companies… for all the corporate success that you’ve had in your career, it’s NEVER enough… because… Christina… for ALL of that success… you have failed at ONE thing… and as long as you continue to fail at this one thing… you’ll NEVER be happy in this business.
That one thing?
REALIZING YOUR IDENTITY!
You spend ALL this time wondering who really IS the real you. Is it Rose? Hilton? Millar? WHO IS IT?
You’re so scatterbrained in this career long identity crisis when the truth is… every “identity” you’ve ever worn in your career? It’s YOU! ALL of it is YOU! Good, bad, in the middle, good girl, bad girl, humble wrestler with a family background, the “brand”, the fighting champion, the rookie that once doubted herself… it’s ALL YOU! For better or worse… every “identity” you’ve ever had is an extension of you and it’s taken you HOW long to realize it? You talk about ME trying to overcome my past and you paint it out as such a BAD THING… when you’ve speak HOW LONG trying to do the same damn thing? You have had a career that MANY WOMEN in this business WISH they could have and it’s NEVER good enough for you? I’ve heard of ungrateful before, but Christina… you’ve got to be the most ungrateful bitch I’ve ever met in this business… period! I get it, we all have our personal demons and despite how I feel about you, I wish you nothing but the best in terms of figuring out these demons of yours.
But SERIOUSLY?
Everything you’ve done and during your pathetic “woe is me” speech you’re CRYING about how the words of other people ranging from Alicia to Roxi got to you so much and how you were dead set on proving them wrong and how you’re a terrible mother and a terrible wife and a terrible friend and all this and all that and this whole thing about feeling sorry for yourself and it ANGERS me… not because I dislike you… even if I am disliking you more and more with every word that comes out of your mouth if we’re being brutally honest… but because… let’s REALLY be brutally honest here… you only felt the way that you felt in that moment when you did that “woe is me” speech because you lost the world championship and EVERY bombshell in the division, whether they want to admit it or not, knows that. Had you WON at Blaze of Glory, you would’ve celebrated it, you would have had your own little speech, you may have even promoted your brand just because, and then you would have kept up your little fake shit by offering to defend the title against me because you’d still want to force this “friendship” thing that is probably never going to happen… because I know you… my dad knows you… he knows your family. I know you’d be a bad influence on me…
I pause for a bit, standing up from the chair and removing the fur coat, tossing it aside and sitting it back down.
“... and I’m done debating whether you’re for real or not and just going to accept the fact that you’re as phony as a three dollar bill because guess what, Christina… I’m NOT Roxi… you’re not going to catch me on a bad night like you did with her. You only feel sorry for yourself because you lost the title… not because you’ve been a bad mother, friend, and so on because if you were REALLY sorry, you would have worked on everything you’ve said that you need to work on a LONG time ago. To me, the person that you are really came out when you spoke to me in the build up to Blaze of Glory.
I mean… really with that two faced hypocrisy? Getting on my case for talking about the past and not embracing it and talking about how it builds us into who we are… which, you’re NOT WRONG, it doesn’t… yet, you’ve ran away from your past for HOW long now? You’ve been dealing with this identity crisis for HOW long now? The biggest difference between you and I is that I’ve accepted my past: good, bad, in the middle, glorious or not, embarrassing or not… and yeah, maybe it took some time, but I did it. At least I can look in the mirror and say that I’m REAL, Christina. Can YOU say that? At least I can look back at the time I suffered a devastating championship match loss in UWA or the time where my own mentor abused me constantly and I can at least smile and say “Hey… I overcame this and I became a world champion”. You on the other hand? It’s “I’ve done SO much… more than most Bombshells would ever dream of… but I’m NEVER happy and I’m ALWAYS haunted by my past”. See the difference there?
I didn’t embrace my past because I lost a world championship. I embraced it because it was the right thing to do for myself. I didn’t need a world championship to embrace my past. That young girl that was struggling in her early singles career? I own that. That wrestler that couldn’t even wrestle her way out of a god damn cruiserweight division? I OWN THAT! That wrestler that submitted to Alicia Lukas? I own that! I embraced my past… on my own… without needing the motivation of a world championship to do so and that embracing of the past would’ve STILL held true even if I HADN’T won the world title that night. I have the attitude of going into every single match… high stakes or not… good situation or not… something I agree with or don’t agree with… every single match… of being the best WRESTLER I can be no matter WHAT the circumstances.
You?
You said it yourself prior to Blaze of Glory.
Your “BRAND” is what means the entire world to you.
It’s about being the best BRAND for you… having your name up in lights… having the red carpet treatment, having the spotlight on you… and you further proved that with your braggadocious attitude about how you’ve been at the “forefront of every era”. I don’t NEED to be ANY of that to be a world champion and I PROVED it!
I need to be a WRESTLER… not a “BRAND”... a “WRESTLER!”
I’ve never done this for the red carpet treatment. I don’t do this for the spotlight. Again, this is about being the best wrestler I could be… and hey, it JUST so happens to involve the world championship right now! What I do in that ring is more than enough promotion for me. Sorry Christina… I’m not some mentally fucked up camera whore that has to have her name up in lights while feeling sorry for herself every time she loses a world title… I’m not a two-faced fake bitch that has sold myself out in the past… every match I’ve ever fought in that ring, every time I’ve ever shown on any wrestling promotion’s television production… it’s ALWAYS been me… better or worse… I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve. I’m not on some redemption path because I’ve got nothing to redeem myself for… because again Christina…
I’M! NOT! YOU!
And I’m not going to fall into the same trap you did because I remember every ounce of what got me here! The only changes I need to make about what I do is doing whatever it takes to improve upon my core values and to make my strengths and everything that got me to this point BETTER than it was before!
This title reign, no matter what happens on Sunday, will be part of that.
I don’t need any fucking lights or any cameras, Christina…
I only need the action… and this Sunday?
That action?
Is improving what got me to this point, putting you behind me… and leaving you…
IN THE VOID!
With that same anger, determination and passion that won me the world championship, I stood up and shoved the throne down, further driving my point home that I don’t need to be a “brand” or to be “famous” to be anything. At this point, I walked out of the shot, satisfied in the fact that I had made my message very clear!
