AUSTIN JAMES MERCER AND TEMPEST DID NOT EARN THIS CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Narrator: Isn’t it pathetic that two wrestlers who didn’t do a damn thing to earn a shot at the Mixed Tax Team Championship, held by Bill and Bea Barnhart, get a shot handed to them by Alicia Lucas who won her Queen For The Day match at Into The Void X? I could say a hell of a lot more but it is much more fun to have Bill Barnhart lay it out for you.
BILL AND BEA VISIT A STAND-UP COMEDY CLUB TO WATCH THEIR FRIEND PERFORM
The scene shifts to the Laugh Factory in Las Vegas. The venue is packed with people excited to watch people perform their stand-up comedy routines since tonight is Amateur Night which means no professional comedians are allowed to perform. We get a shot of Bill and Bea who have front-row seats as they here to watch their friend, Andrew, from Lawrenceville, Georgia, perform his stand-up comedy routine. The Emcee walks to the mic to introduce the first performer.
Emcee: Thank you for coming to the Laugh Factory for our Amateur Night where only amateur comedians are allowed to perform. After all performers have presented their routines you in the audience will determine the winner by your applause and cheering. Our first performer comes all the way from Lawrenceville, Georgia, please give a warm welcome to Andrew Eide!
The Emcee walks off the stage while Andrew Eide comes out from behind the side curtain and walks to the mic.
Andrew: Before I launch into my stand-up comedy routine I wish to acknowledge two persons in the audience. They are my neighbors in Lawrenceville, Georgia, and I came to Las Vegas to watch them defend their Mixed Tag Team Championship against the pathetic team of Austin James Mercer and Tempest. . .
* audience interrupts Andrew with overwhelming loud laughter *
Andrew: Oh my! I can’t believe the outstanding laughter I got from the audience just from mentioning the names of the opponents for Bill and Bea in their match. I hope I can get half that amount of laughter from the audience with my comedy routine. Before I start my act I present to you Bill and Bea Barnhart! Please stand up and take bow.
Bill and Bea stand up and acknowledge the audience then they return to their seats and Andrew launches into his stand-up comedy routine.
Andrew: Hi! My name is Andrew. Up until I was 10 years old I thought my name was DUMAS. You see, my Dad would call me: HEY, DUMB ASS! COME HERE!!! I just thought he was pronouncing my name wrong!
* laughter from audience *
Andrew: So my name is Andrew and my last name is Eide which is spelled E-I-D-E but it is pronounced like IDE. Most people see the spelling on my last name and they pronounce it as EDIE or EDDIE. So someone will call out EDIE. . EDIE. . .and I start looking around for Steve Lawrence.
* the audience appears confused *
Andrew: Apparently you being such a young audience you don’t remember the husband and wife singing duo of Steve Lawrence and Edie Gorme. Oh well…now I’d like to talk about my friend’s mother and father. For instance my friend’s mother is so fat.
* audience replies with HOW FAT IS SHE? *
Andrew: My friend’s mother is so fat one day she wore a white dress and fifty cars parked in front of her because they thought they were at a drive-in movie!
* audience laughs *
Andrew: On another day my friend’s mother wore a green dress with white stripes on it and people thought she was a football field!
* audience laughs *
Andrew: Okay…Okay! I see the looks from the women in the audience. I don’t want you to think I’m disrespecting women so let me talk about my friend’s father. You see my friend’s father is so old.
* audience replies with HOW OLD IS HE? *
Andrew: My friend’s father is so old when Archeologist found the Hieroglyphs they found his picture painted on the walls!
* audience laughs *
Andrew: He is so old that Methuselah calls him Pops!
* audience laughs *
Andrew: You know in the Bible where it says GOD SAID LET THERE BE LIGHT…AND THERE WAS LIGHT? The next thing heard was my friend’s father yelling out: HEY! TURN OUT THAT LIGHT! I’M SLEEPING HERE! Now that’s old!
* loud laughter from audience *
Andrew: I want to return to my friend’s mother since I forgot to tell you that she is also ugly.
* audience replies with HOW UGLY IS SHE?
Andrew: My friend’s mother is so ugly that they use her as a model for Gargoyles!
* audience laughs *
Andrew: She is so ugly that the Phantom of the Opera walked up to her, took off his mask, and handed it to her saying HERE, TAKE MY MASK, YOU NEED IT MORE THAN I DO!
* audience laughs *
Andrew: My friend’s mother is so ugly that when the Elephant Man saw her he screamed in horror!
* louder laughter from the audience *
Andrew: She came over my house once and scared the fur off my cat!!!
* loud laughter from the audience *
Andrew: Let me change the subject to language okay? My friend tried to teach me a little bit of Spanish the other day. I have to be honest with you that I have enough trouble with English but I listened to my friend anyway. For example my friend told me that AQUI means HERE. AQUI means HERE. Hmmm…I thought A KEY was something you put into a door to unlock the lock!
* audience laughs *
Andrew: Then my friend told me that QUE means WHAT in Spanish. QUE means WHAT. I thought K was the eleventh letter of the alphabet.
* Andrew waits to see see if audience counts the letters of the alphabet to the letter K on their fingers *
Andrew: I see you counting the letters on your fingers. A – B – C – D – E – F – G – H – I – J – K and then looking at each other and saying GEE, K IS THE ELEVENTH LETTER OF THE ALPHABET! I told you so! I wouldn’t lie to you!
* loud laughter from the audience *
Andrew: Finally my friend told me the most confusing word of all. They said PORQUE means BECAUSE. PORQUE means BECAUSE? Oh come on now! EVERYONE knows that PORKY is a cartoon pig!!!
* very loud laughter from the audience *
At the last great response by the audience Andrew closes his stand-up comedy routine.
Andrew: Thank you! Thank you very much! Remember my name is DUMAS. . .I mean Andrew. . .and you’ve been a fantastic audience! Thank you!!!
The Emcee walks up on the stage and Andrew hands the mic to him then exits into the backstage area. Our attention is turned to Bill and Bea Barnhart.
Bill: That was a great stand-up comedy routine from Andrew. Too bad we can’t stay for the entire Amateur Night Competition as we have to get to the studio to finish airing our comments for our match at Climax Control 301.
Bea: Even if Andrew doesn’t win the Amateur Night Competition I’m sure he’ll come out in the top three.
Bea and Bill stand up from their table and leave the Laugh Factory. The scene ends when they exit the venue.
A SHORT TIME LATER IN THE BROADCAST STUDIO
The scene returns and we get a shot of Bill and Bea Barnhart in the temporary broadcast studio which has been set up in Earl Wilson Stadium. Both are casually dressed in matching blue jeans and pink pullover shirts. The two are sitting at a large wooden desk like you would see two news anchors doing when they deliver the news.
AFTER A BREAK FOR LAUGHTER IT IS TIME TO GET SERIOUS
Bill: I’ll start our comments for this presentation. Austin James Mercer eh? The man who proclaims he’s the best in the world and yet you’ve had your ass handed to you so often it has become the normal expectation in your matches. Get upset at my comments if you want as I honestly don’t give a damn what you think or how you feel. Although we’ve had only one match against each other, and that was at Into The Void IX on June 7, 2020, and you got the win, that win by you was a fluke. In our upcoming Mixed Tag Team Championship match I’ll humiliate you to the world when I defeat you and prove your previous win was a joke and shouldn’t have happened. Austin do you want to prove to the world that you are not a one-hit wonder in your previous win? If so then bring it on and prove it to the world by defeating me in our upcoming match. I dare you to try. . .but I damn sure will enjoy watching you lose to me.
THE TORTOISE AND THE HARE
Bill: Hey, Austin, do you remember the story of The Tortoise and the Hare? The Tortoise who was slow and steady ended up winning the race while the Hare was over-confident and foolish. That’s how it is in the sport of wrestling. But before I go into that let me tell you about my best friend in High School at Skyline High School in Oakland, California. His name was Grant Mori, and he was Japanese, and he had endurance beyond what everyone else had. When we ran the one mile race on the school track Grant would go slow and steady while everyone else went quickly to start. They all quickly got tired and had to slow down while Grant kept up his pace. He rarely failed to come in first in his races. In fact in one of the one mile events one of Grant’s shoes came untied so he stopped on the track to tie his shoe. It took grant more than thirty seconds to tie his shoe but he got it tied, stood up, and still ended up winning the race. That’s how me and Bea work. Determined but slow and steady. You make less mistakes when you take your time to do things properly. And, Austin and Tempest, did you see how anxious and foolish Kate and Teddy were to the point where they did high risk moves only to have Bea lay Kate out for the win? If you two want to make high risk maneuvers which have a low percentage for success, then please feel free to do so but I ask you to talk with Teddy and Kate first before you make that decision otherwise you’ll have nobody to blame but yourselves.
ONE LAST COMPARISON
Bill: I’ve never thought about myself in my wrestling career in a certain way until Bea came to me and mentioned how she sees me. I will let her explain it to you and then allow her to present her parody.
Bea: Since the day I met Bill I’ve looked to him like Lois Lane looked up to Superman. Let me read to you the original opening dialogue of the Superman television program.
Bea picks up a sheet of paper and begins reading the original opening dialogue to the Superman television program.
Bea: Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
Look! Up in the sky!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s Superman!
Yes, it’s Superman. Strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Superman who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice and the American Way.
Bea looks up from the paper that she just read from presenting the original opening dialogue to the Superman television program.
Bea: Now I will present the modified version I made to represent Bill as compared to Superman.
Bea picks up the second sheet of paper and begins reading her modified version of the original opening dialogue to the Superman television program.
Bea: Faster than a speeding bullet.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Able to leap tall obstacles in a single bound.
Look! Up in the wrestling ring!
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s Super Bill!
Yes, it’s Super Bill originally from Oakland, California, and now lives in Lawrenceville, Georgia, who came to Sin City Wrestling with powers and abilities far beyond those of normal wrestlers. Super Bill who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands, and who fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice and the American Way.
>Bea puts the second sheet of paper down on the top of the desk then she stares into the camera.
Bea: That’s how I see Bill. That’s how the majority of fans see Bill. After our decisive win over Austin James Mercer and Tempest at Climax Control 301 all the fans will see Bill as their Superman as I do.
Bill: Thanks for the kind words and presenting me in a unique way to the fans and other wrestlers. I see you as my Lois Lane to you seeing me as your Superman. We make a hell of a great wrestling combination and that will be proven beyond a doubt this Sunday. Thanks to the viewers for joining us today. Tune in on Sunday, June 6, 2021, for Climax Control 301, where we destroy the dreams and careers of two pathetic opponents.
Bill and Bea do a HIGH FIVE then they both look toward the camera person and give the CUT sign and the camera person cuts their camera feed and our screen goes black. It takes the Network about 10 seconds to get regularly scheduled programming back on the screen.
