July 10, 2020
Sitting in an empty, private gym back home in Miami was definitely a bit eerie for me. I knew the stakes that were ahead. I wasn’t, by any means, downplaying the challenge that I was going to face on Sunday. I wasn’t ignorant, but at the same time, I wasn’t afraid. I’ve heard the stories. I’ve seen the archives. Alicia Lukas is Alicia Lukas, simple as that. I hadn’t thought about it too much prior to this evening because I was only focused on preparing for this challenge as best as I can… even in the face of people that had made their opinions heard about how the match was going to go…
“Alicia’s going to kill you” said a fan in the lobby of the Saxon hotel a few days ago.
“You’re nothing but a warm up for her before she goes for the world title…” I had heard from a Kate Steele fan yesterday… which, the notion of her having any fans was far more appalling than the sentiment itself…”
“Maybe if you were 10 years younger, you’d actually have a chance…” I could remember a wrestling fan from Baltimore writing to me in an email that is open to the public on my personal website.
“Myra Rivers has had one decorated career…” a wrestling opinionist blogger had written online… “... but she’s facing one of the greats of THIS generation. It’s not the late 2000’s to mid 2010’s anymore… she’s hardly made a dent in Sin City Wrestling and she’s in over her head. That’s without mentioning that she’s turning 36 in about a week. She can’t have much left…”
It was this opinion that was written online by this blogger that had me thinking more than most. Tempting as it may be to cave into the sentiments, a piece inside of my heart wasn’t going to let it happen. I wasn’t going to downplay her abilities or her dominance, but my heart knew that I had already endured the worst moments of my career. In the back of my mind, I just let this sentiment fuel me with motivation because I knew what I was worth. I knew that I wasn’t a warm up match. Many may have thought that way, but I was one of the few that weren’t.
“If I were 10 years younger… she’d be screwed…” I said to myself in defiance. I had remembered all the ‘big bad wolf’ talk that I heard about her when I came into the company. I didn’t feel a nerve tingle. I didn’t feel a pit of fear in my stomach. All I was feeling was ice, cold water flowing through my veins. I didn’t know if it was my career long propensity to be totally zen in a main event situation as I had been for years or my years of experience knowing when someone’s being blown up out of proportion, but there was no fear. There was no doubt. There was only belief and determination within me. I sent an email to that online blogger… Mr. “She’s In Over Her Head”, from my phone… and I even sent him my number.
“I’ve heard it all before…” I said.
Sure enough, I got a text from the blogger within a minute. “You can’t win…” he texted me. “I will…” I texted back.
Within another minute, I was receiving a phone call. It was the blogger. I answered it and heard a sigh at the other end.
“How can you be so DEFIANT? How can you POSSIBLY win? This is Alicia Lukas we’re talking about, you do know that, right?”
“I do. And? Is it written in Nevada state law that ‘thou shall be afraid of Alicia Lukas’? Because all week, people sure have been acting like it…”
“I don’t understand how you can be so defiantly confident…”
“How can I be so defiant? Because I just went through this at Into the Void…” I told him.
With that, I went into flashback mode while I explained to this naive online presence of my Amber Ryan experience. After all… everyone and their mothers had expected me to lose to her as well…
June 7, 2020
On the afternoon of Into the Void, I had a slight hint of anger go through me. Amber Ryan’s words weren’t kind and that itself irked me. I was about to leave my Saxon room for the event when Jason Schneider, my boyfriend, had come in wanting to talk to me before I go.
“You know… I REALLY hope you kick her ass…” he told me.
“Why? Besides the fact that we’re dating…” I inquired.
“I’ve had it up to HERE with all these people giving me shit about you. Everyone I know is placing bets on Amber to beat you. I’ve had to hear everyone be up her ass talking about how she’s so great, how she’s going to just blow you out of the building, how she’s going to make Carnage Wrestling proud by destroying you and avenging them after you had ‘abandoned them’. It makes me sick, Myra. I don’t understand why everyone is up her ass. You dissected her pretty damn well during all the mudslinging and trash talking. She’s really NOT that special and I don’t understand all the mystique and aura about her…”
“You’ve been out of the ring too long, Jay…” I reminded him. “But… I do see your point. So that’s it then? Everyone’s giving you shit and just acting as if she’s going to run me over?”
“You don’t have a lot of people high on you…” Jason reminded me. “You haven’t done anything in Sin City Wrestling… not yet…”
“Right…” I said, not bothered by this sentiment. “...because every wrestler in SCW history ‘does anything’ after two matches.”
“Very few people believe in you, Myra…”
These words didn’t irk me at all.
“You’re telling me this like it matters. I’m winning tonight, I just have this really strong, gut feeling about it. People want to write me off because I’m 35 going on 36? Because I’m one of the lower spotlight signings of the Bombshells division of recent times? Because losing to Bobbie lowered my stock and created doubters among the community?”
I defiantly scoffed at this, making it very clear that the doubt wasn’t getting to me.
“Need I remind you that we’re in Vegas… where my big breakthrough moment 12 years ago happened? Need I remind you that nobody thought I was going to win that ladder match either?”
Jason didn’t respond right away, almost as if he swallowed his pride.
“You believe in me right?” I asked him. “You think I can beat her…”
“Of course!” he said with confidence. “There’s definitely a way to beat her… and I know just the way too…”
“Yeah?” I asked him with a hint of curiosity in my voice.
“Unleash HELL…” Jason said with anger in her voice. “Go in there with the mindset of destroying her and making her life MISERABLE! Don’t forget about all the BULLSHIT Carnage Wrestling put you through. Remember… they NEVER valued you! They’re all on her side! They WANT their world champion to put you in their place just so they could be proven right about you….”
I folded my arms, not exactly digging what I was hearing.
“...they want the way you were treated to be justified! Every ounce of anger in you that you rightfully have from that company… unleash it ALL on her… end her career if it comes down to that… destroy her with that anger… shove her head right up Carnage Wrestling’s ass and stick it right to them… show them what a REAL World Champion looks like! Think about it Myra… the biggest middle finger you can give those bastards is by beating their world champion tonight…”
I awkwardly looked down on the floor for a split second before looking right back at my boyfriend. I felt that temptation again… to go that route… but something in my heart was telling me that this was not the way to go. I sighed, showing him that I didn’t approve of this approach.
“That’s how you’d approach it?” I asked him. “If you were in my situation, having lived through what I lived through in that company… that’s how you’d do it?”
“Hell yeah!” Jason said. “NEVER forgive or forget in this business…”
“If that’s the case, Amber Ryan’s got this won…”
Jason wasn’t amused by what I said.
“Jay… I won’t lie to you. It was tempting to take that approach that you laid out for me… but I won’t do that. If I go into this with ego and bitterness… not only is it the wrong example to set for Kimberly… but I’m handing Amber the fucking match. I’m not going to wrestle for the wrong reasons, Jay. I know that if I took this approach, I’d be betraying every moral and value that was instilled into me when I started doing this…”
“Not like it’d be the first time…” Jason reminded me. “Come on, Myra. Now’s not the time to play Wonder Woman.”
“No Jay… I’m sticking to my beliefs. If I do it the way you suggest I do it… then that proves that I don’t believe in myself. I’m not stupid… I know that talk. I’ve heard it too… you know… how I don’t stand a chance against her. Everyone out there, and everyone in the bombshells locker room, is acting like me beating Amber would be a huge shock. There’s so many high hopes and expectations for her, I understand that. I get that there’s all this massive hype for her because of her name and reputation. I get that she’s a current world champion that just so happens to come from the last company that I wrestled for prior to here. I can’t betray my beliefs and take them for granted again… I’ve made that mistake tons of times. I don’t have much time left in wrestling… and I want to go out the right way: by fighting for what I believe in, win or lose. Yeah, a win tonight from me would be this HUGE shock to everyone… but I don’t care about what everyone else thinks. Their opinions? They don’t matter to me… I learned that lesson 12 years ago…”
“Myra, I really think that…”
“Jay…”
Jason sighed, knowing that he wasn’t going to get through to me.
“...I’m doing this my way. I’m focusing on what really matters when it’s her and I in that ring. I know that I can outwrestle her… and I will… and if I’m the only person in the world that believes that, then so be it because all I need is me! I’m not going to get caught up in the hype… I’m going to ignore it… I’m going to focus on what I can bring to the table… I’m going to show the world why I’ve been better in my 30’s than in my 20’s… I’m going to introduce the world to the ageless wonder I’ve been… and I’m going to have a real win for my daughter to be proud of.
“Fine…” Jason said, still not thrilled by my conviction to do it my own way. “But personally… I’d want to murder the bitch…”
“That want just gives her power over me… and I’m not giving her ANY…”
At this point, I grabbed my things and Jason stepped aside, having nothing else to say. I carried these convictions in my heart all the way to the opening bell… and the rest they say… is history…
July 10, 2020
“I focused on what mattered…” I told the online blogger. “...and I won.”
“I’ll be honest… that match is still a shock to me…”
“It’s a shock to pretty much most of that locker room. They’re in such denial that they’re making excuses for her… trying to blame it on her having an off night, blaming it on her needing to get acclimated to the company… that moron Mercedes Vargas tried to downplay it by saying ‘well, Amber is better, Myra was just better on this night… but Amber is still better’. Lord, the hype up that woman’s ass is unreal. They’re treating Into the Void as if this was Douglas-Tyson…”
“No… Lukas-Rivers is Douglas-Tyson… and you’re no Tyson…”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night…”
“How can you be so… zen… about this? How can all this doubt surrounding you not bring you down?”
“Because I know my own truth…” I told him. “I’ve reached a point in my career where I don’t take my own strength for granted. I’ve reached a point where I’ve learned to appreciate every step of the journey along the way: good or bad. That loss to Bobbie was a learning experience for me. I could’ve fallen back to old habits and fallen apart over that… I could’ve fallen apart over Amber’s words… I didn’t… because I know how strong I am… I know what I am capable of even if most of the company doesn’t just yet…”
June 7, 2020
“I’ll be damned…” I heard my boyfriend say when I walked into the hotel room following the Into the Void broadcast. I didn’t say a word as we exchanged a hug. Once our embrace broke, he shut the door and I sat down on the bed, reflecting after I had put down my bags. My heart was instantly swept up with emotion once I knew I had a private moment. Tears of joy filled my eyes as I reflected on what I knew was the biggest win I’ve had in quite some time. “...you really are an ageless wonder…” Jason would tell me. He walked up to me and noticed the tears of joy in my eyes.
“Are you crying?” he asked with a laugh. “God, no need to be such a girl about it…”
“I’ll punch you in the nuts…” I said with a laugh of my own. “...it’s just… this feeling I have…” I said with a pause. “I know now… that every ounce of my ability in its purest form is more than strong enough to succeed in this company. I just passed one of the toughest tests of my career against all odds… and I’m not talking about Vegas odds… or the ridiculous odds many people said I had… I’m talking about odds like… you know… age… time… my own internal doubts that I still have sometimes… the sins of my past… the failures of my past… I went against all of that tonight… and I WON! I know that I made Kimberly a proud daughter today…”
“And your mother…” Jason reminded me. “...it’s like that old spirit of hers was in you again…”
“I felt it…” I said with a smile as I wiped the tears of joy away.
“Don’t let anyone tell you different either…” I was reminded.
“I sure won’t…”
One week later…
As it turns out? People in and out of SCW WERE trying to tell me different…
“Mercedes Vargas REALLY wants to downplay it?” I said with some anger in my voice back in my Miami living room. “Amber Ryan is still the better wrestler! FUCK ME, right?”
My sister Adrianna was certainly feeling awkward as she held a slip of paper in her hands. She was sitting next to Scotty Lockley… her boyfriend, on the couch perpendicular to mine.
“She’s not alone in that sentiment…” she said, causing me to roll my eyes. “I compiled a bunch of hater comments from the internet and… it’s not nice…”
“Adrianna…” Scotty interjected. “Do you really think it’s productive to be relaying some comments from people that… with all due respect… mean nothing in the big picture?”
“No… it’s fine…” I said. “I want to know what people really think about that match.”
“Remember… I’m quoting this…” Adrianna reminded me while she began to read aloud some of the online comments she wrote down. “I’m SHOCKED that Myra beat Amber… completely, utterly shocked. The way I see it, Amber Ryan underestimated her.”
“Excuses, excuses…” I said.
“Amber should’ve won that match…” Adrianna read. “...she clearly had an off night that Myra took advantage of. No disrespect to Myra, but considering her lack of standing out in anything so far in SCW, I don’t see how she could’ve stepped up and took that match.”
“What a load of shit…” I said with anger in my voice, my resolve cracking even if it was for only a brief moment. In this moment, I felt like what I had fought for meant nothing. The fact that people actually tried to make excuses for Amber Ryan really irked me because I felt like, in this particular moment anyway, that downplaying what I accomplished resulted in my win not mattering.
“They don’t mean anything…” Adrianna reminded me as she tore up the paper. “...you earned that win and there isn’t a damn thing anyone can say to downplay it or to take it away from you.”
“If anything… being so underrated and being under the radar can work better for you in the long run…” Scotty said. “...there are few wrestlers, male or female, that are able to pull off a victory of such massive proportions at your age.”
“You’re both right…” I said, expressing a sigh of relief. “For a second there, I had slipped. A win’s a win… and people can make all the excuses that they want… but there’s no denying that I can still come up clutch when it matters most… and soon enough? When I win a title in SCW? They’ll all recognize it whether they want to or not…”
July 10, 2020
“Well… if you SOMEHOW beat Alicia…” the online blogger told me over the phone “...then you’ll really prove that the win over Amber wasn’t a fluke.”
“I don’t need to prove that to anyone because I already know it wasn’t…” I said, staying poised and calm.
“You don’t think that Kate Steele picked you to challenge for the title because she sees you as an easy defense?”
“Get out of here with that.”
“But how did you do it?” the blogger asked. “How did you beat Amber? How could you possibly beat Alicia?”
“Bravery in the face of adversity…” I told him. “That’s also how I’m going to win title number 19 from Kate Steele in a few weeks… but the honest to god truth is?”
I paused for a second, maintaining the aforementioned bravery in the face of adversity.
“I’m ALWAYS at my best when people think I don’t stand a chance… I showed that against Amber, I showed it 12 years ago when I had my huge breakout moment right here in Las Vegas when I was wrestling for the NSWA, and on Sunday? I’m going to show it again… so go ahead… make your Tyson-Douglas comparisons… because I know in my heart what this match truly means… and how things are going to turn out for me no matter what happens…”
With that, I didn’t allow the blogger to say another word. I hung up the phone having said all that I had wanted and needed to say and then I looked to the side and noticed the camera equipment off to the side. My heart was pumping determination and ice water into my veins. Alicia Lukas was all I was focused on at this point. There was still no fear. There was still no worry. There was still no anxiety. The world outside of myself may be blowing her up like the greatest thing ever, but I was laser focused… not on proving people wrong… but to fight with all of my heart, soul and spirit… to fight with every ounce of what I was capable of… to fight above the pettiness and the ridiculousness of those that didn’t think I could win.
When I set up the camera I wasn’t focused on the hearsay.
I was focused on winning.
I was focused on what I am as a professional wrestler and feeling like every ounce of what makes me the wrestler that I am was good enough and strong enough to beat anyone on any given night…
Even if “anyone” in this case was Alicia Lukas…
With that, I turned on the camera and sat in front of it, ready to express my thoughts on the latest big match that was in front of me.
“There are very few people that believe I can win this week…” I admitted as I began the promo. “In fact, I’m sure there are a lot of people that probably feel like I don’t even deserve the main event match that I have in front of me. We’re going into this match with the assumption that Alicia Lukas is going to just run right over me, get a nice little warm up win going into the world championship match that she has in a few weeks and that this is going to be just another showcase of her abilities and her dominance and everything that she’s capable of. That’s the narrative right? I get it. She’s done what she’s done in this company. She’s one of the most dominant women this company has ever seen. I’ve seen the footage. I’ve heard the stories. I know for a fact that more than half of this division has this great, big fear of her and I completely get that. But… I’m not one of those people. I’m not someone that fears her. I’m not Bobbie Dahl, who was afraid of her the whole time… hence all the blindside bullshit that she put her through. I’m not Evie Jordan… and I know it’s blasphemous to throw some shade Evie’s way and all because she’s the world champion… but when she fought Alicia recently, I could hear that fear in her voice, I can see it in her eyes, I could feel that fear when she was whining and moaning about how losing to Alicia would mean that everything that she had worked so far for would mean nothing.
I’m not treating this match that way, Alicia… because I’ve got nothing to lose.
Let’s face it. Virtually nobody outside of myself and anyone in my inner circle feels that I even stand a chance against you, let alone feels like I can win. And that’s just ONE of the things that makes an opponent like me so dangerous especially considering that… honestly… I heard the same chatter about me to a smaller extent when I was going up against Amber Ryan… and even since then… it’s like the locker room doesn’t want to believe that I actually beat her a few weeks back at Into the Void. It’s like… I had no RIGHT to beat her… I mean… that’s the vibe I’m getting with everyone else making excuses for her and trying to downplay that win as if it’s some big fluke. Are you in that camp, Alicia? Are you going to make excuses for her too? Are you going to look at someone like me and think that I’m just a flea you can flick away just because you’re the big bad, nightmare causing wolf of the division that has beaten just about every top name that you can imagine? Are you going to look right past me and look ahead to Evie and Andrea? Is that how this is going to work?
I know the answer to that.
That’s not how it’s going to work. You’re too smart to look past me. You’re too smart to relegate me to just a mere warm up match. At least… I’d like to think that you are. The truth of the matter is, I DON’T want you to look past me. I DON’T want you to treat me as a warm up match because the LAST thing I want is an EXCUSE for WHEN I win this match on Sunday. Oops… there’s me being blasphemous and defying conventional wisdom again. How DARE I even THINK that I’m going to beat you because apparently, the conventional wisdom in this women’s locker room is that if you’re booked against Alicia Lukas, you’re supposed to cower in fear and accept the ‘inevitable’, right? That’s not me, Alicia. The locker room acts as if I was SUPPOSED to do that with Amber… but I didn’t. Jessie Salco may have done that, but I didn’t. Evie Jordan may have done that with you, but I’m not that kind of woman. Yet, here I am… all these years later… still standing… still believing… still fighting for what’s right in this business… still putting my heart and soul into this regardless of how many times that’s been shattered again and again. Here I am, defying the odds, being the ageless wonder that I’ve been, going into what is going to be one hell of a challenge… STILL knowing that she has everything that it takes to beat anyone on any given night. I KNOW what beating you would do for my stock… but I’m not focusing on that. This isn’t about raising mystock because I know for a fact that I’m damn good enough to allow it to rise on its own.
This isn’t about building up momentum for my Internet title challenge against Kate Steele. I can focus on that all I want to… but I’d just be handing you the match because I’d be focusing on the wrong things. I’m not wrestling with emotions the way many of the other women did when they wrestled against you, I’m wrestling with logic… I’m focused on you and you alone. I’m focused on beating you. What I’m focused on is proving to myself once more that against anyone on any given night, I can rise up to the challenge and overcome the obstacle in front of me and no Alicia… I’m not treating you like a mountain sized obstacle nor am I treating you like some sort of goddess… I’m treating you like I’d treat any other obstacle regardless of who they are, regardless of their reputation. I know how to beat someone like you… you know how?
Because years ago?
I WAS you!
I’ve been there and done that. I’ve had those stretches of my career where I’d be supremely dominant over the competition. I KNOW what it’s like to be the most feared woman in the locker room. I know the feeling of stepping into that ring every single week and feeling like I’m invincible and that I’m untouchable. But you know what I’m also familiar with, Alicia? It’s the one thing you’ve yet to experience: the fall from the top. I’m not talking about losing the world title. I’m talking about when you go into that phase of your career where you’re not as dominant as you once were. I’m talking about that part of your career where someone else walks in and replaces you. I’m talking about the latter stages of your career where you constantly have to prove yourself again and again and again because the older you get, the more you get the doubters piling on you, thinking that because you’re older, that you’re going to fade into the sunset very soon. Someday, Alicia, you’re going to lose that mystique and aura that you carry with you. Some new thing on the block is going to take that all from you. It won’t be me… obviously… I’m too old for that… and that’s not what I’m fighting this match for. But I’ll tell you the one thing that I CAN give you… the loss that will have everyone questioning as to whether you still have what it takes to stay on top.
Think about it. A while back? You caught Evie Jordan and you defeated her just before she fought for the world title at Into the Void. You put a serious dent into her momentum… not enough of one as history has since shown us… but knowing the ego on that bitch, you put a severe dent in it. On Sunday? You’re in the opposite role. You NEED this momentum. You NEED to beat me. You can’t afford to lose to someone that’s fighting for the Internet Championship because if you do… you’re going to have so many people questioning as to whether your dominant phase has come and gone. You’re going to have people wondering if you really deserve to fight for the world championship. All of that weight… all of that pressure… all on your shoulders… I know what it feels like when you have a reputation to live up to… and I know what it’s like to buckle and crack and break under that pressure and I’m that bitch that’s going to tell you straight up that some day… that WILL happen to you… because that’s what happens to every single one of us in this business. I beat you… the questions begin. Those questions never began after you lost the world title… considering it’s Roxi Johnson we’re talking about in that situation. That question wouldn’t be posed if you were to lose to Andrea or Evie… because those are two women in their primes and on top of their games…
But against someone like ME?
You’ll have those questions coming. You’ll have those doubts crawl into your head. “Am I still the big bad wolf?” you’ll be asking yourself after you lose this match.
I’m not the one that is going to shatter the mystique and aura of Alicia Lukas… I know that. But I can definitely create SO many doubts and make it SO much more fragile than what everyone believes it is… even for a moment. I’ve been around long enough to know that those that are dominant… they don’t know how to be vulnerable. Once they become vulnerable, they’re never the same and it takes a LONG time… if EVER… to regain their footing and to come to terms with their loss of “immortality” for lack of a better term. I know this… because that’s what I’ve already experienced.
A loss for me? It’s just another day in the office for you.
A loss TO me? Evie and Andrea are going to be all over that.
I may be turning 36 in a week… but what my win over Amber Ryan showed is that I STILL haven’t lost it. Yeah, maybe I’m NOT the dominant wrestler I was earlier in my career when I had the entire world in the palm of my hands… but I don’t need to be. That’s something that I’ve realized… that’s something that YOU haven’t realized because wrestlers like you that get by on dominance? They feel like they NEED to be! They feel like they NEED to be on top at all times. I’m a far bigger threat to this division… to ANYONE in this division… than so many people realize… and on Sunday? When I “shock the world” again? I’ll further validate that. I’m not showing up on Sunday being happy-go-lucky about being in this main event or facing someone of your caliber. I’m not fighting this match just to fight this match.
I’m fighting this to win.
I’m fighting to further showcase what I’ve got.
I’m fighting this because I believe I can win this… because deep down in my heart of hearts, even though I may be turning 36 in a week, even though I have more time behind me in this business than ahead of me, even though I’m not as strong or as fast as I was when I was your age… that even NOW… in 2020? I’m STILL one of the best women’s wrestlers in the world!
No matter what, Alicia, after Sunday? I’ll still believe that because in my heart, I know that there isn’t a damn woman in this division… not you… not Amber… not Kate… that gets to determine what I am in this business…
I’ve never backed down or given up in the 12 and a half years I’ve been a part of this… and I’m not going to start now.
So do whatever you can to beat the shit out of me… because I know that no matter what you or anyone else has to say, no matter what you do… you can’t kill me… you can’t get rid of me. I’ll keep believing… I’ll keep fighting… and I’ll do so until I win my 5th world championship and I accomplish my goal of hitting 20 titles overall… I’ll keep doing so even past that… I’ll keep believing and fighting until I decide when my story’s done…
Sunday may be the toughest test to date for me in this company… but with nothing to lose?
With my heart and soul still shining bright as ever all these years later?
I KNOW it’s a test I can pass with flying colors…
I maintain my heart and determination as I stand up and shut off the camera. Afterwards, I soak it all in one more time as I reflect on everything that makes me what I am today...
