When you begin again.
It was a strange feeling, the guilt that had been eating away at him for the last few weeks. Since having that fateful conversation with detective Solomon. It had been eating away inside Austin's brain, like a disease very slowly killing and devouring the cells around it. Every single time he saw Alicia he would be reminded of it, his mind flashing back to the moment that he sat there and stared into Michael Reynolds eyes and told him that he knew what he did and was responsible for. The moment that Austin left and Michael thought he was going to be able to escape and leave his life only to be ended by the very people who he had fallen in debt too
He had no idea what to do. He had no idea where to go with this or what to say. So instead he did everything he could to avoid her, when they would both be at the gym he would go into the weight room and work out until she walked in there, at which time he would go out to the ring and start doing rope work and facing off against some of the other members.
However, that too came with its own problems.
He had seen that Alicia would look sad, feeling as if her friend, someone who had been in her life for the better part of the last six years was for some reason avoiding her. Which he was.But Austin had no idea how to fix this, he had no idea how to bury those feelings deep down so they would not influence anything that he did or said. He had been keeping to himself, he didn't talk to Alex or anyone else at the gym. Only ever saying a few words and grants to get people's attention whenever he needed someone to workout with.That's how it had been for the last few months. Since Austin had lost her.
That excuse was going to run out. And today felt different, he walked into the gym he looked around and the anxiety seemed to break him down.A man who for almost six months had completely ignored any emotion that had come his way. All he had felt was anger,he had avoided sadness and he had avoided anything else that could get in his way. But now with his purpose coming to an end and his life in front of him to refocus onAustin seemed tostart let it all creep in. He missed Tempest, his best friend and someone who he could always go to with these problems, he missed Alex his mentor and someone who would always give him advice and he also missed Alicia woman who had almost been his conscience for the last six years whenever Austin had almost lost himself.
So, he went home.
He walked in the door and sat down, his sister and the kids were not home. The children being dropped off at daycare and Austin's sister going off to work as she also struggled to rebuild her own life after so many setbacks. And in these moments of loneliness, in the deafening silence of a home that was once filled with happiness and laughter Austin could feel and hear the guilt creeping in even louder than before.
Like a voice that didn't have any real depth to it, almost a whisper asking him questions. Why did he do it? Why did he end it the way he did? Why couldn't he just let the police do their job? Could he really live with himself and not tell Alicia what happened? All of these things weighed on him, pushing his shoulders down and causing his head filled with pressure that started to shock and cause pain through every single nerve and down to his fingertips. He took a labored breath in only for it all to stop when a knock broke the silence.
He stayed silent, looking over at the door and waiting.After a few moments there was a voice on the other side of it. It was Alicia. ”Aus? Hey…you there?”
He closed his eyes and shook his head, his right hand moving up as his thumb and forefinger pinched his nose, at the top right near where it would meet his eyebrows. After a few moments, he answered. ”Yeah…hold on..” He got to his feet, moving over and undoing the dead bolt and opening the heavy front door.Alicia tilted her head, her bright blue eyes filled with concern and care. This made Austin's stomach dropped even more as the guilt started to fester.
”You ok? You left really quick…we were all worried…”
She smiled,a sweet smile that had nothing but honest sincere care behind it.Austin stared at her, his gaze lingering a little bit too long and he came to his senses just in time to snap out of it and shake his head. ”I just…I walked in and had a headache, I feel under the weather and I don’t want anyone else to get sick. I’m sure I’ll be fine..” He tried to answer as normally as he could, to try and show honesty.But the small smile that he gave her afterwards betrayed him. Alicia wasn't stupid.
But she shook her head putting her foot just inside the door so it would be impossible for Austin to close it. She leaned on the door frame and crossed her arms over her chest looking up at him. As most people did. ”Look, I get that, for some reason, looking at me and knowing what I lost takes you back to Lisa but….I can’t change that so please stop punishing me by ignoring my existence.” Austin was shocked, his jaw opened and he had no idea what to say. Alicia shook her head and shrugged before stepping back. ”That’s all I wanted to say.”
She turned to leave, Austin shook his head and his hands clasped into fists. Every single part of him was screaming to tell her, every single part of him wanted to be honest. Except for one small part of him that just wanted to let her walk away. But in the end, it landed somewhere in between. ”Wait…” His voice boomed out and he let out a breath as she turned around. ”Why don’t you, come inside and talk. It might do us both good…”
Alicia smiled and gave a nod as she moved back up toward the house, Austin closed the door and Alicia moved around the kitchen before leaning forward against the bench in the center. Austin swallowed hard and ran a hand through his brown hair,he took a deep breath and Alicia couldn't help but chuckle. ”I hope you’ll actually be a conversationalist…” Austin shook his head and laughed as well. Alicia smiled. ”See, you can laugh….”
Austin gave a nod and leaned forward just across from Alicia. ”Yeah, but it’s been hard to. I don’t know how you’ve done it. You bounced back and have shown such strength after Michael's death…meanwhile I have been nothing but weak, I have barely been able to say Lisa's name..” Austin trailed off and let out a sigh.
Alicia just shook her head. ”I’m not strong Aus, I’m broken….I mean…Michael left but….it still hurts. I can’t imagine what you went through though…and…if you need anything…I’ve always cared about you…” Alicia reached forward and grabbed Austin's handhe swallowed hard and he looked up at her. Their eyes met and for a moment time started to slow down to a stop.But Austin pulled his hand back as did Alicia. ”Uh…I better get back…”
”Yeah…let everyone know I’ll be back tomorrow…”
She smiled and stepped back. ”I will….and…thanks for the talk…”
”...You too Lic…”
Same song and dance
He paced back and forth. Anger rising from the pit of his stomach as he tried to keep everything calm and centred. But this was hard,after everything that had happened. Everything that he had been forced into. And all the failures that had mounted up. Austin was enraged. And there was really only one way to get all of this out. He needed to get in the ring and destroy the next person in front of him.
”You know, it isn't easy being a professional wrestler. It isn't easy putting your body on the line week in and week out. Every single time we step out and walk down in front of all those people we are taking our own lives in our hands. One slip, one wrong move, and your entire existence can be ended.Your body can be broken down and you can never have any type of meaningful life again and most of you, well, most of you have no idea what that kind of dedication and bravery is like. That is why I will always respect anyone who has the balls to step into a professional wrestling ring and put their body on the line.”
I don't have to respect anyone as a person, I don't have to agree with their views, I don't have to think they've earned anything but I will always respect someone's bravery for stepping into the ring. I respect Oliver stepping in the ring with me. And despite my best efforts he ended up walking away with the win. I personally don't believe he deserves it. I had my hand raised I had it won. And I'm sure there are a whole bunch of people sitting there ready to run their mouths about how I apparently “cheated” . But, how many times does shit like that get ignored?”
He paused for a moment. Letting that statement sink in. And he was right, how many times on a wrestling show does cheating get ignored and the other person have their hand raised?He was angry and he was frustrated,and he was getting ready to take it out on one person and one person alone. His opponent for this week.
”It is amazing to me how many people will justify the fact that the match got restarted.It seems like I'm a victim now right? A victim of this company and their ability to pick and choose who they want to go ahead and win. Their selective use of the rules. Where are they when Michael Harris cheats and keeps that championship? Where are they when someone else decides that they want to grab onto the ropes or use tights as leverage? This company has a serious problem with discipline and I'm sick of it. Either you bring in some kind of instant replay system and you make damn sure that we're all apparently playing by the rules, or,you let it go when the referee makes a mistake.”
“But the only mistake I have made is not ending each and everyone of you. The truth is, I have been going too easy on this division.I have been trying to teach, trying to raise you up, trying to make sure that this god damn company doesn't end up in a sorry state like it had been for the last few months.We have an opportunity to make sure that this company grows and becomes what it is supposed to be.And for that the glory days of wolfslair need to return. But not in the same way, not the way it used to be. I wanted this new domination to start and end with Miles.But my attempts had tried to drag him up from the position that he found himself in was left wanting. We had a chance to dethrone Michael Harris, one of us had a chance to walk out as the champion and in the end we allowed Harris to keep that championship.`
“But now what? I failed against Harris, I failed against Oliver, and now I find Bill Barnhart standing across the ring from me. Are you kidding?”
“I recognise that my win loss record isn't in the best shape right now, but the fact that I've been lowered to facing him is ridiculous. Am I really that low on the totem pole that I have to get in the ring and soil my hands on that bitch tits piece of shit? My entire family lineages weeps.End now I've let myself down as well as the gym and everyone who I have ever teamed with or helped raise up to a respectable point in their career.”
Austin can't help but growlas his entire body seems to seize with frustration and anger. He takes a deep breath in trying to calm himself down but every single moment brings with it more and more thoughts about having to get in the ring with Bill, when a month ago he was getting a chance at being the top champion in the industry and this company.There are falls from grace and then there is this.
”Just in case it isn't obvious, I don't like you Bill. I've never liked you. I think you are one of those people who is a throwback to a time when professional wrestling sucked, you have done nothing of note in this company and for whatever reason they just keep paying you to turn up. You keep getting opportunities and matches like being involved in the four way for the vacant roulette championship. And you failed. The only time you or your bean head wife end up doing anything is when you are just plain lucky. You have never been able to take a championship and make it mean more than it did when you want it. You have never been able to go on a long run and actually defend it in a way that a championship deserves and elevate it.”
“This is something that you have never been able to do.You just exist in this company.And now here I am being put in a match against you.And why? You seem to think that you are going to be half of the mixed tag team champions again with your wife. Because that ended up going so well for you the last time.Face it Bill, you and your wife are nothing in this company and never will be.But, if I can't beat you, if i can't get in that bring an utterly decimate you, then i honestly don't deserve to be in this company anymore.”
“After everything I have done, and everything that I have gone through, if I can't beat you then I simply have lost whatever it was in the beginning that made me special. And unlike you Bill, I am special. I am a special kind of athlete and a special kind of destructive force that very few people can stand up to or withstand in a professional wrestling ring.”
“I come from a wrestling family with a pedigree that has hundreds of years instilled in it up and down the eastern seaboard. What do you have? What do you have in this company? A few nothing title reigns and hours upon hours of nonsensical stupid promos that you never backup? You never sit there and follow through with any promises that you make, and when you lose instead of looking at yourself and seeing where you could have bettered yourself you just make excuses.You are the worst kind of person.And the fact that you're still in this company makes me weep for it.”
“So maybe, just maybe I need to…exterminate the problem….it wouldn’t be the first time I beat you Bill, but I will do everything in my power to make sure it is the last time I ever have to disgrace myself in facing and beating you..”
