Journal Entry:
They say that you have to look to the past to succeed in the future or something like that. Well maybe THEY need to back off when it comes to my past.
Spike doesn’t know what I have gone through, the only one that does is Devlin and he isn’t talking or I hope he isn’t. This is something I need to deal with, something that I have to work through. And trust me I am going to have to work hard enough to even share my past with anyone if I am going to be able to return to the happiness I had in the past.
Right now though I have to open my emotions to the fullest. I have to show Spike that he is my life but how can I do that when all I feel is that he just sees me when I am successful. Since I lost the title, since I had to get away, everyone else is in his spotlight rather than me. I know he was worried when I couldn’t be found but once he found me, all he does is pull away instead of pulling me closer…
And that hurts.
*****
Pushing buttons isn’t a good thing…
The sound of nails as they click across the keyboard of the laptop on the kitchen table is overwhelmed by the sounds of voices talking and the laughter of a young girl as she and a not so small puppy roll and wrestle across the floor behind the woman. To her left is Spike Staggs talking to his eldest son, the murmur of wrestling terms not even drawing the attention of Vixen as she reads the screen in front of her.
“Whatcha doing my love?” demands Spike as he looks towards Vixen, a smile playing over his face.
Not ignoring him but still focused more on the screen, Vixen grunts slightly and gives him a look over the laptop screen. “Huh,” says Vixen as she clicks her fingers over the keyboard as she answers something written on the screen. “Just reading these tweets and posts on Reddit.”
“Really?” Spike asks as he moves to stand behind Vixen to read over her shoulder. He can’t see the look of anger pass over her face as she lets her hair hide her face. “Anything interesting?”
“There are quite a few interesting things on here,” Vixen replies, sarcasm tinting her words. “Imagine my surprise to find out you are buying a new car. And getting such expert advice about it too.”
Unsure of where the snarkiness is coming from, Spike plays it off as Vixen teasing him, laying his hands on her shoulders, rubbing lightly. “Yeah, Electra giving me some props on the choices I was making. She was definitely helpful.”
Vixen’s eyes close slightly as she winces at the comment, the hurt on her face hidden. Sighing slightly, Vixen leans back into the caresses of Spike and uses the wireless mouse to scroll down on the topic she is reading before making the twitter feed page the main one on the screen. As she does, she notices a Spike post talking about training with Amy Marshall.
“NXT is getting pretty crowded,” she says softly. “When did we add Amy Marshall?” Turning to her fiancé, Vixen gives him a curious look. “Have you decided that we need more to add to the bombshells in NXT? First it was Odette and we saw what happened with that. Then Misty…well that was obvious since we were teaming but now Electra and from the looks of it Amy. Anything you want me to know Spike?”
Unsure of what she is talking about, Spike shrugs it off. “No my love, there isn’t. I thought we talked about Electra joining. If we didn’t, I am sorry but she is the champ and well a hell of a wrestler, pretty much undefeated for the most part. I thought she was a logical choice to join.”
“I see,” is all that Vixen replies as she turns back to the computer to read more. Suddenly she spies the conversation between JJ Dixon and Spike. Fascinated, she moves away from Spike and gets a closer look. “Wow, JJ really seems to have it bad huh?”
Spike leans over her shoulder with a smirk as he rests his chin on her shoulder. “The man has no clue Vix. Talking about how he should get with you because he is so much better than I am,” chortles Spike. “Like he would even stand a chance.”
“Oh I don’t know,” says Vixen. “Some of this is pretty flattering you know.”
“It’s JJ DIXON for sobbing out loud!” exclaims Spike as Vixen takes note of the comments and the reaction of Spike. She feels his hand curl around her forehead checking for a fever. “You don’t feel sick,” he adds.
Vixen brushes his hand off her face and slams shut the laptop. “Oh so you can be fawned over by Electra and Amy but someone even comment about me and it’s a joke. Thanks Spike, thanks a lot.”
With that Vixen gets to her feet and picking up the computer, she shakes her head and leaves the room before she says anything angrily. Pausing only long enough to drop her computer on the bed and grab a jacket and her keys, Vixen rushes down the stairs only to be stopped by Spike.
“Where are you going?” he asks as his hand reaches towards her cheek, seeking to reassure her but it never reaches its target with Vixen pulling away.
“I need to get out of here,” growls Vixen. “I want to be somewhere that I am the number one priority for someone. Obviously I’m only a second thought on the really important things,” she snipes. “I’m going to train.” And with those final words, she storms off. It was better to choose flight instead of fight because she needed to get ready for the match at Climax Control and if truth be told, didn’t want to fight with Spike.
Not even sparing a glance back at Spike, Vixen pushes her way out of the house and heads toward a battered candy apple red Camaro. Opening the door, Vixen narrows her eyes as she looks at the house and spies Spike standing in the doorway. Getting in the car, she guns the engine and drives away.
*****
“Physician, heal thyself,” says a voice pitched low and soft, “seems most apropos now doesn’t it.”
The look on the face of the woman saying it did nothing to make anyone feel relaxed. In fact, Vixen’s face is devoid of emotion, only a strange half smile playing across her lips as she sits back in bed, a flickering light playing over her features. Beside her, Spike’s slow breathing indicates he is asleep. The soft whir of the camera muffled somewhat in the covers as it records Vixen’s thoughts.
“I’m back or at least that is what everyone is saying,” she says. “Who said I even went anywhere really? I mean yes, Spike,” Vixen’s face softens slightly as she gently caresses along his cheek before she continues. “Spike came looking for me but in reality, it was me that was on that journey to find myself who I thought I had lost when I lost the title.”
Vixen runs her hand through her mussed hair, an angry sigh escaping as she collects her thoughts. “Do you wonder what I found, does anyone have any idea what was waiting for me when I looked for the real Vixen. There was a lifetime of hurt, a lifetime of anger and a raw intention to survive no matter what. I had forgotten that Vixen in my happiness with Spike and Eden and Timmy and my success in Sin City Wrestling. The only other times that I really had success was when I tapped into that Vixen. With it I survived Parand Ara and Necra and Gothika. That was the Vixen I need to go back to.”
Intensity begins to cross her face as she leans closer and picks up the camera to focus it on her only. From the movement behind her, Vixen is leaving the bed and padding across the room to stand in the window showing the lights of the city behind her.
“Maybe it is a good idea that you are a nurse Cynthia,” muses Vixen. “I mean when you step in the ring you will understand that I am not going to be gentle and you will be able to fix yourself when I am done. I only wish that to start my rise to the top, you understand that I have to break you first. Maybe you should just do yourself a favour and let me get this over quickly with minimal damage to you. I don’t really want to hurt you…well not that much anyways.”
“My love, who are you talking to at…four in the morning?” demands a sleepy Spike as he peers at the flashing dull red lights of the bedside alarm.
“It’s no one Spike, go back to sleep,” says Vixen as she hides the camera.
“Then come back to bed,” he offers with a sleepy smile as he lifts the covers and motions to Vixen’s pillow. Vixen lets a small answering smile cross her face before it fades and she leans towards the door and points.
“I’m not too sleepy right now and I am just going to keep you awake. I’m going to go grab something to eat and I’ll be right back. Go back to sleep love.”
Slightly hurt, Spike nods as Vixen moves to distractedly kiss him before making her escape to the kitchen.
