[Andrew]

 SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS

Narrator:  Welcome to the School Of Hard Knocks managed by Bill Barnhart.



ON CAMERA

A sign pops up on our television screen showing BILL BARNHART”S SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS. The sign stays up for 30 seconds before the scene switches to a mock up of a classroom that is set up next to the wrestling ring in the GO Gym in Las Vegas, Nevada. Bill looks into the camera and presents his comments.

Bill:  Dustin welcome to the Bill Barnhart School of Hard Knocks. I’m Bill Barnhart and I’ll give you a hard knocks education. You’ll step into the wrestling ring against me and you’ll be schooled in the fine art of wrestling. When our match is over, and I’ve beaten you to a pulp, that’s when you’ll have earned enough hard knocks to receive your Diploma of Graduation from my School of Hard Knocks.

A man walks into the scene and we are wondering who that person is.

Attorney Mel Hewitt:  Hi Mister Barnhart. I’m Attorney Mel Hewitt from Atlanta, Georgia. I’d like to know if you wish to sue those in Sin City Wrestling who have cheated you out of wins in wrestling matches due to violating the rules, cheating, or interference?

Bill:  Before I answer your question will you answer a question for me?

Attorney Mel Hewitt:  Sure.

Bill:  What’s the difference between a Catfish and an Attorney?

Attorney Mel Hewitt:  I don’t know. What’s the difference between a Catfish and an Attorney?

Bill:  One is a bottom dwelling, scum sucking, garbage eater. The other is a fish!

Attorney Hewitt is not amused by that joke.

Attorney Mel Hewitt:  Not funny Mister Barnhart. Do you wish to sue anyone or not?

Bill:  No I don’t want to sue anyone. However since I didn’t contact you to confront me with your services please get the hell away from me or I’ll sue you for violating my personal space!

Attorney Hewitt is speechless as he turns and leaves the facility.

Bill:  My next match, at Climax Control 268, is a Mixed Tag Team match where I’m teamed with my partner and wife Bea going up against the team of Dustin Holt and his loser daughter Violet Amelia Holt. I say loser daughter as she lost to Bea twice and both by submission.

A smile comes on the face of Barnhart.

Bill:  Dustin I know of you and I know you have a long wrestling career. I know you can get the job done against most wrestlers but you can’t get the job done against me. What I would love to see in our match is it come down to Bea and Violet as the legal wrestlers in the ring so Bea can issue a third devastating loss to Violet. However if it happens to come down to me and you as the legal wrestlers in the ring I’ll enjoy defeating you. A win over a Holt is still a win over a Holt. By the time I get done with you it will feel as though someone whacked you over the head with a wooden mallet.

Bill gives a thumbs up into the camera. And then he motions to the camera that his comments are over and the cameraman cuts his feed at the Network cuts to a commercial break.

OFF CAMERA

A shot of the room of Bill and Bea Barnhart at the Saxon Hotel comes on our screen. We see Bill reclining on the couch watching the television show Monty Python’s Flying Circus. Bill is in near uncontrollable laughter as he enjoys the humor of the Monty Python comedy team. Iris is annoyed as she is trying to get beauty sleep and for sure we know as homely as she is she needs all the beauty sleep she can get. Bea is sitting on a chair next to the couch where Bill is located. We see Bill drift off to sleep. As Monty Python’s Argument skit comes on the television it translates into Bill’s dream and…

INSIDE BILL’S DREAM

Bill is dreaming that he is the man in the Monty Python Argument skit who goes to a business to have an argument.

We see Bill Barnhart walk into an office and greet the receptionist.

Bill:  I'd like to have an argument, please.

Receptionist:  Certainly sir. Have you been here before?

Bill:  No, I haven't, this is my first time.

Receptionist:  I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

Bill:  Well, what is the cost?

Receptionist:  Well, It's five dollars for a five minute argument, but only twenty dollars for a course of ten.

Bill:  Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.

Receptionist:  Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.

(Pause)

Receptionist:  Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try the Instructor in room 12.

Bill:  Thank you.

Bill walks down the hall, looks at the room number, opens the door, and walks into the room

Instructor:  WHAT DO YOU WANT???

Bill:  Well, I was told outside that...

Instructor:  Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

Bill:  What?

Instructor:  Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke! You vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous, pervert!!!

Bill:  Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT! I'm not going to just stand…

Instructor:  OH, oh I'm sorry, but this course is Abuse.

Bill:  Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

Instructor:  Ah yes, you want room 12-A, Just along the corridor.

Bill:  Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.

Instructor:  Not at all.

Bill:  Thank You. (under his breath - Stupid git!!)

Bill walks down the corridor to room 12-A and he knocks on the door.

Instructor:  Come in!

Bill:  Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?

Instructor:  I told you once.

Bill:  No you haven't.

Instructor:  Yes I have.

Bill:  When?

Instructor:  Just now.

Bill:  No you didn't.

Instructor:  Yes I did.

Bill:  You didn't.

Instructor:  I did!

Bill:  You didn't!

Instructor:  I'm telling you I did!

Bill:  You did not!!

Instructor:  Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?

Bill:  Oh, just the five minutes.

Instructor:  Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.

Bill: You most certainly did not.

Instructor:  Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.

Bill:  No you did not.

Instructor:  Yes I did.

Bill:  No you didn't.

Instructor:  Yes I did.

Bill:  No you didn't.

Instructor:  Yes I did.

Bill:  No you didn't.

Instructor:  Yes I did.

Bill:  You didn't.

Instructor:  Did.

Bill:  Oh look, this isn't an argument.

Instructor:  Yes it is.

Bill:  No it isn't. It's just contradiction.

Instructor:  No it isn't.

Bill:  It is!

Instructor:  It is not.

Bill:  Look, you just contradicted me.

Instructor:  I did not.

Bill:  Oh you did!!

Instructor:  No, no, no.

Bill:  You did just then.

Instructor:  Nonsense!

Bill:  Oh, this is futile!

Instructor:  No it isn't.

Bill:  I came here for a good argument.

Instructor:  No you didn't. No, you came here for an argument.

Bill:  An argument isn't just contradiction.

Instructor:  It can be.

Bill:  No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

Instructor:  No it isn't.

Bill:  Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.

Instructor:  Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

Bill:  Yes, but that's not just saying “No it isn’t”  

Instructor:  Yes it is!

Bill:  No it isn't! An argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

(short pause)

Instructor:  No it isn't.

Bill:  It is.

Instructor:  Not at all.

Bill:  Now look…

Instructor:  (Rings bell) Good Morning!

Bill:  What?

Instructor:  That's it. Good morning.

Bill:  I was just getting interested.

Instructor:  Sorry, the five minutes is up.

Bill:  That was never five minutes!

Instructor:  I'm afraid it was.

Bill:  It wasn't.

(Pause)

Instructor:  I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.

Bill:  What?

Instructor:  If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

Bill:  Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!

Instructor:  *Hums*

Bill:  Look, this is ridiculous!

Instructor:  I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

Bill:  Man: Oh, all right. (pays money)

Instructor: Thank you.

(short pause)

Bill:  Well?

Instructor:  Well what?

Bill:  That wasn't really five minutes just now.

Instructor:  I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

Bill:  I just paid!

Instructor:  No you didn't.

Bill:  I DID!!!

Instructor:  No you didn't.

Bill:  Look, I don't want to argue about that.

Instructor:  Well, you didn't pay.

Bill:  Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!

Instructor:  No you haven't.

Bill:  Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid!

Instructor:  Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

Bill:  Oh I've had enough of this!!!

Instructor:  No you haven't.

Bill:  Oh shut up!

Bill walks out of the office, down the stairs, and opens a door that has a sign on it that says COMPLAINTS

Bill:  I want to complain!

Complainer:  You want to complain? Look at these shoes! I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through!

Bill:  No, I want to complain about...

Complainer:  If you complain nothing happens! You might as well not bother!

Bill:  Oh!

Complainer:  Oh my back hurts! It's not a very fine day! And I'm sick and tired of this office!

Bill walks out and slams the door shut. He walks down the hallway and opens the door and walks into the room.

Bill:  Hello, I want to... *instructor in room whacks Bill on the head with a wooden mallet* Ooooh!

Instructor:  No, no, no! Hold your head like this, then go Waaah! Try it again!

Instructor hits Bill on the head again with the wooden mallet.

Bill:  Uuuwwhh!!

Instructor:  Better, better, but Waaah! Waaah!!! Put your hand there (instructor points to Bill’s head).

Bill:  No!!!

Instructor:  Now… (instructor swings wooden mallet again whacking Bill very hard on his head).

Bill:  Waaaaah!!!

Instructor:  Good! Good!! That's it!!!

Bill:  Stop hitting me!!!

Instructor:  What?

Bill:  Stop hitting me!!!

Instructor:  Stop hitting you?

Bill:  Yes!!!

Instructor:  Why did you come in here then?

Bill:  I wanted to complain!

Instructor:  Oh no, that's next door! It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here!

Bill:  What a stupid concept!

Bill is startled awake when Bea wakes him up from his sleep. Bill realizes he was dreaming he was in the Monty Python Argument skit.

Bill:  Wow! I dreamed I was in the Monty Python Argument skit. Glad it was just a dream.

ON CAMERA

The scene comes into focus on our screen. We see Bill Barnhart standing in front of the wrestling ring at the GO Gym in Las Vegas, Nevada. When the cameraman gives him the signal Bill launches into his comments for this part of his presentation.

Bill:  The first item I wish to discuss are complaints I’ve received on why I haven’t bragged about defeating Kris Ryans at Climax Control 266. They figured since when that win grabbed the attention of Management and they said that at Into The Void IX I’ll face whoever is the Internet Champion for a shot at the Championship they figured I should be bragging about it. Why am I not bragging about defeating Kris Ryans? Because he’s an accomplished wrestler in Sin City Wrestling and a damn good Champion when he held Championships. He had an off night and that’s not something I need to brag about. The fact that my win over Ryans earned me a shot at the Internet Championship is enough of a reward for me. How do I feel if Austin James Mercer is still Internet Champion when Into The Void IX takes place and I get my shot at the Internet Championship at that event? He defeated Fenris, for the Heavyweight Championship, which is a nearly impossible thing for any wrestler to accomplish. Austin held the Championship for five months then lost it to Senor Vinnie. Mercer then won a six-way Ladder Match to earn the Internet Championship. It would be a pleasure to face off against Austin James Mercer but I’ll gladly face whoever the Internet Champion happens to be when Into The Void IX arrives.

Bill points to the wrestling ring he is standing next to.

Bill:  This is the wrestling ring where me and Bea face off against Violet Amelia Holt and Dustin Holt in a Mixed Tax Team match at Climax Control 268. Bea already has the distinction of defeating Violet twice by submission and she’s looking for a third win over Violet. I appreciate Bea being aggressive and positive but she also knows that in a Mixed Tag Team match the match can change quickly if one of the two wrestlers legally in the ring can tag their partner in. Since the rules of this type of match is men against men and women against women once one of the legal wrestlers tags out the other legal wrestler must also leave the ring and allow their partner into the ring.

Bill walks around the ring to the side where the table is located where the announcers will call the match.

Bill: This is the table where the announcers, Jason Adams and Belinda Simone, will call the action of our match. This wrestling ring is where Justin Decent will announce the win of our team gets over Dustin and Violet. After our victory in this Mixed Tax Team match it will be a pleasure to replay this match over and over again to enjoy our victory numerous times.

Bill walks around the ring and returns to the spot in front of the ring where we first saw him when his presentation started.

Bill:  Dustin I’m gonna enjoy being in the ring with you. I know some of what you have accomplished in the past and I’ll enjoy taking you down and walking away the winner. I know you’re a very protective father to Violet as I’m a protective daddy to my English Bulldog Iris. Just as I don’t want to see Iris suffer I know you don’t want to see Violet suffer. But, Dustin, I have to ask you a very important question. Is your protection mode concerning your daughter more important to you than obeying the rules in our match? When Bea is beating down Violet will your emotions take over causing you to violate the rules and your team will be Disqualified? I’ll gladly take a Disqualification win over you and Violet if that’s the way you two want to play it. Can you control your urges to protect your little girl from the assaults of Bea? Those are damn tough questions, Dustin, so what are your answers? My suggestion is that you focus on the action in the ring but you don’t get physically involved until you are tagged in by Violet or Bea tags me in which brings you into the ring with me. When Bea is in the ring against Violet, regardless of what legally happens, I don’t get involved. However if Violet violates the rules and cheats then you damn sure know I’ll take action to stop it.

The cameraman gets an extreme close-up of Bill’s face and Bill gives a stern look into the camera.

Bill:  Dustin will you and Violet stay involved in the match until they announce us as the winners of the match or will you decide that getting Disqualified is the only way you can get out of the match without too much physical injury placed on you by us? I don’t want our match to be soiled by you two breaking the rules but if that’s where you want to take this match then you have to suffer the consequences. See you two on Sunday, May 10, 2020, at the GO Gym at Climax Control 268. Bye!

The cameraman backs off the extreme close-up on Bill and we watch as Bill waves BYE into the camera. The cameraman places his camera into a slow fade to black and when the screen goes dark the Network returns to regularly scheduled programming for this time slot.